DC Trip, Relationship, and TTC Plans

I'm still here!  Washington DC was amazing, visiting all the memorials - Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson, FDR, MLK, and more - and the museums.  The American Indian museum was very cool - both the building and the art/artifacts!  The heat wasn't too bad, though we definitely got our "true summer" time in.  Northern California summer is nothing like the heavier, immersive heat of the East Coast.  We stayed in a great little hotel, very near his daughter.  I love hotel evenings and morning, chilling out and watching TV, etc., I'm weird that way.

The connection with his daughter couldn't have gone better.  She's so sweet, smart, and easy to get along with, and we all had some great conversations.  He hasn't had a lot of "normal" time with his daughter since he and his ex-wife's divorce when she was in her teens, so it was fun and special to stay the last night at her place and talk over a couple of beers on the rooftop.  We got to meet her boyfriend - smart and politically up and coming young guy - and spent the day together wandering around Gettysburg and the museum, learning a lot about the Civil War and the significance of that battle.

S and I got along fairly well - only a couple small rough patches - but the process of me working through my doubts about us is sort of hanging over our relationship right now.  I've spend some time reflecting, writing, talking to S, and plan to spend some more time over the next couple of days.  I love him a lot, of course, but I need to release the fears and judgments around whether our chemistry is "good enough" for me.

I'm really taking a look at the comparisons I have been making between him and our connection, and the guys I was with in my 20's and the greater passion and abandon I felt at that time.  I'm realizing that it's not fair to compare the two, and if I can't let that ago and accept all the wonderful things S and I have, including a good (if more controlled) love life, then the long-term future would be miserable for both of us.  And it's not just accepting the wonderful things, but the challenging parts too - recognizing they all make up who he and "we" are, and the more I can be present with everything, the more peace and happiness I can experience.  Please wish me luck, as it's a difficult emotional journey right now.

With regard to ttc, as you might imagine, this cycle ended with disappointment.  It wasn't too surprising, as we were unable to get an IUI in.  I ovulated quite early this month for some reason, perhaps the ongoing effects of last months medicated cycle.  So I just missed seeing the surge on my OPKs.  Oddly, my breasts were sore from ovulation through the entire luteal phase, which is never the case for me.  Any idea what was going on with that?  I did do an HCG shot, post ovulation.

I feel like my body is failing me.  We're taking this month off, during which I'll try to procure some (unopened) leftover Menopur from the great, underground fertility black market.  Then, the idea is to do a medicated cycle the following month, do just an IUI in the "bump" month after that, and if all that doesn't work, go in for fibroid surgery in late October or November.  I can't help but think that this huge object, which is distorting my cervix, might be affecting uterine receptivity (though it appeared outside the uterus on the MRI).  Plus it affects my health and comfort to some degree.