Labor and Love

Ach! Going crazy with the roommate over here. She is a Diva with the space; flouncing into the living room or kitchen at her convenience expecting me to jump up and move. Now, I'm working at my desk and she's in the living room just next door with the TV on. Ach! Thank God she's leaving midday for a couple of days. And thank God for headphones and calming Youtube recordings.

In other news, S had a bump in the road with his surgery recovery. His largest laparoscopic wound (not sure what to call it) got infected and broke open. He had to go back into the hospital for a couple days. It understandably freaked him out as it happened in the middle of the night and he had to call an ambulance to take him in. He's doing okay now so, fingers crossed, recovery will go as planned from here on out.

We have our couples NVC class this evening. There are only two couples in the class, which creates an almost uncomfortable intimacy between all of us in the small meeting room. We are being asked to share a lot of vulnerable feelings and experiences around our relationship communication, which is good and leading to some insights, but I admit I wish there one more couple at least. We learn from other couples sharing, as well. It's an 8-week class, so a few more to go. S and I have talked about how the class is refreshing the NVC concepts and principles in our minds, which positively affects our relationship in subtle ways. Overall, feeling grateful about it.

On the work front, I found a federally-funded career one-stop center (I recommend that those of you job searching check these out!) a short drive away and have decided this will be my "home base" for business work and job search activities when my roommate is home or I need to access their printing resources, etc. Yay! I completed the required equivalency application for the college district in which I'd like to work, and plan to submit another application today.

With my own business, I'm enjoying working with my clients and organically discovering various business systems to make things easier, such as a scheduling system, a note-tracking system, and a client contract template. My clients are generally awesome and fun to work with. And on the heels of last months poorly attended Meetup - one person! - last night I had four women attend and all of them signed up for free half-hour career consultations! Please send good thoughts that a couple of these lead to them becoming new clients.

Thank you so much for your kind wishes about S's surgery; they are really appreciated. We have plans for a lovely and scrumptious Valentine's Day dinner at an amazing restaurant, where we went a couple years ago for S's birthday. So looking forward to it! We decided we needed a romantic and fun night out after all the recent challenges.

 
Hope your Valentine's Day is full of love; be it romantic or with close friends and family.

Filling the Void

Happy Hump Day!  "Hump" makes me think of "The Hump Bar" now, which is an establishment on the show "Army Wives"... yes, I have been spending far too much time watching this show.

I had what I thought was a semi-deep thought about TV watching while talking to a couple friends after my InterPlay theatre group last night.  One friend had just returned from two weeks hiking with her family in Nepal (she was not near the avalanche, thank goodness) and was describing how, during the entire trip, she was surrounded by family and other community, including porters who constantly watched her and anticipated her every need.  After returning to her regular life, she felt unhappy with it and depressed that she was returning to watching a lot of TV for relaxation and down time.  She missed the attention and ongoing connection with others.

I responded with sympathy (as I have shared here, I have TV-watching patterns that I question) and also the thought that a "void" wants to be filled.  When something is missing or goes away, other things will flow in to fill the space.  It makes sense.  So, continuing that thought now, it's not necessarily about trying to stop TV watching but about considering other choices that fill the needs for relaxation and connection.  And when you live alone, the connection options are fairly limited, especially when you are an introvert and worn out from the day.  Even introverts, though, need to be seen and heard - need attention and loving on a regular basis.

My work gives me contact with people, but I am in the "giving" mode when it comes to attention and care.  I provide the counseling for the students, and I enjoy doing it.  AND I need, if not counseling, then opportunities to express myself and receive care.  In my last living situation, my housemate, K, and I had meals together on a regular basis; maybe not every day, but at least every two or three days and sometimes more.  Now, somehow, while seeking a "community" living situation, I have created a very similar similar living situation to my prior one, with even LESS connection!

How did this happen?  I think, in part, because it's hard to find the "right" living situation with others, but also because I do need down time by myself to recharge.  I don't think living in a full or "bustling" household would work for me.  I just want one or maybe two other people to connect with at least once a day for meaningful conversation.

In the past, when I was in a 12-Step program, this need for meaningful connection was met through meetings.  When I am in relationship, this need is met through my partner... at least when the relationship is functioning in a healthy way.  When I attend my dance and theatre groups, this need is sometimes met, but often not fully, as group conversation tends to stay on the surface (these groups definitely meet my need for movement and creative expression, however!)  Going out to eat afterwards brings more opportunities, but that generally only happens once a week at the most.  Talking to my brother feels good in terms of connection, but he is busy with his own family and we only talk every two or three weeks.  I have a couple of friends with whom I can talk on that level, but again, we get together every couple/few weeks.

Sooo, in the interim, day-to-day, there is a void, and I fill it with TV.  So shoot me. :) I'm going to cut myself more slack around that, as well as try and create those reflective spaces around it, in which I can consider other choices - journaling/blogging or talking things through out loud into my video phone (to feel more "heard"); maybe a collage or art project (Christmas is coming up), or maybe, when I can afford it, going to see an NVC counselor that could provide empathy.  Maybe I could look at joining another NVC practice group.

Thanks for listening to my reflection and brainstorming around this topic.  It was helpful!  As I wait to be matched with a "little sister," I think it is good timing to recognize I could use more support myself.  I think when I get more support, then I can provide better support for others...

AND, I will try and have compassion for myself around my (sometimes excessive) TV watching.

SOCAP SOUL and Love

I attended the most amazing conference last weekend at the San Francisco Hub: SOCAP SOUL.

Here's the website description for those interested:

What if your job, your finances, and your  community  were all aligned with what you  value? SOCAP has created a special event, SOCAP: Soul, to help answer  that question.

Social entrepreneurs and investors, faith leaders and activists, cultural creatives, and thought  leaders are all seeking to align what they care about with their jobs, and with the way they spend and invest their money.

We’re coming together as a movement of people who see the intersection of money and meaning as imperative not only to business – but also for our families and neighbors, for ourselves and people around the world.

Be inspired by speakers who have made these decisions. Explore models and find others along the same path. Find a better way forward for this world and yourself.

The two words that keep emerging for me around it are "affirming" and "inspiring."  They had several panels of amazing people and a breakout discussion group of people in various points of transition toward creating more meaningful work for themselves.  I still need to type up my notes and plan next action steps, so more reflections to follow in later posts.  But WOW!

I feel such a mixture of feelings in my life right now, but on a Spiritual level, I am receiving a lot of positive information from various sources around the potential of creating new, more localized / meaningful / sustainable forms of economy and work.  I wish I were further along in the journey, but I guess that's typical!

Brief check-in on the man front.... S and I are talking (I know, collective groan), ha!  But we are not committed or "back together."

He said he was very mad at himself (along with me) about going to the unilateral decision place.  He expressed feeling overwhelmed and scared about me breaking up suddenly again and about whether he can do the work he needs to do on himself while in relationship.

We are working on staying a lot more connected when talking about difficult things by holding each other and breathing in a meditative way at the beginning of our meetings.  It may sound strange, but it has been a surprisingly helpful technique so far.

Perhaps oddly, I went on a date with a guy from Mat.ch on Monday night.  He seemed to like me and kissed me at the end of the night.  On my side, it was an interesting, pleasant time, but the kiss was too much.  It made me realize I'm not emotionally available to date other people right now, even if it makes part of me feel more protected and safe/less vulnerable.

S is away for the week at an NVC workshop at Esalen; a beautiful, blissed-out, hippie retreat center on the California Central Coast.  I have my appointment with a therapist next week, which I'm looking forward to...so perhaps this is a time of trying to work on ourselves and do some talking in a "no idea what the hell we are or what comes next" kind of place.  Yikes.

Strange Days

Strange days, folks, strange days.

It feels like more time has passed than actually has since Christmas.  Still a little freaky that S and I actually broke up.  I did not see that coming (before finding out about the ex living with him for a month, that is).

Never expected to be back on the ridiculous site known as matc.h.c.om.  Ridiculous, yet so enticing for us introverts.  You mean I don't have to go out and actually meet and make small talk with people?  Awesome.  Of course, eventually you do need to meet the person and take things offline.

Which is precisely where I am with the former officer of the law: just prior to meeting.  Honestly, I'm not sure I really should.  We are sooo different, and he's way less open and self-aware at this point.  He says he wants to grow and learn in that area.  On the other hand, he is quite spiritual and analytical: I think I mentioned he was a hostage negotiator and also led a youth mentoring program for quite a while.

So he's got some depth but he's also a pretty well-constructed external shell, as you might imagine he would, thinking of a stereotypical person in law enforcement.  Also, though he's been broken up with his ex-wife for a year, their final papers are just now going through and he's still feeling some pain.

One more facet of our connection: we've had these crazy "energetic exchanges," I guess you would call them, where we're on the phone not talking but feeling as though we are physically connected in a yummy cuddly type way.  It feels really amazing and kinda trips me out. . . We're supposed to get together Sunday, so we'll see.

On other fronts, teaching the little hellions two days a week is okay so far, knock on wood.  My supervisor is interviewing and should hire someone soon.  I'm planning to ask the head of our department if there are any other grants on which I might assist, in addition to this one.  Funding is always uncertain but they have a big variety of grants, and I understand they may need some help.

And then I have my Transition Heart and Soul meeting tomorrow night.  A group called "Green Sangha" will be coming to lead meditation and discuss consciousness / meditation / sustainability / green principles.  Fun stuff!

Saturday, I'm planning to attend the opening of a local Peace and Justice Center here in Oak.land and a Non-Violent Communication Workshop on navigating interpersonal conflict in the afternoon.  I see on Fac.ebook that S is signed up to attend the opening, as well.  It may be our first community "run in," which is a bit scary.

I actually wrote him an email yesterday asking if he would be willing to have a more closure-type relationship talk, now that some time has passed.

Waves of sadness and missing him come and go now, but they're smaller and a lot farther between (I can't say the cop hasn't been a distraction).  Anger still colors my view of our demise.  I'm not sure how I'll feel if I run into him at this event.  Imagining it will be awkward.

We interrupt this relationship. . .

This has been a week from hell.  Starting with a horrible teaching day Tuesday in which everything that could go wrong technically did with regard to a medical video I was showing, and progressing to my boyfriend telling me his ex-wife was coming two weeks earlier and would be living with him for the month she's here.

He explained she would be sleeping upstairs in the loft space.  He swore that it was business only, that even if I ran off with some other man, he wouldn't be with her.  He said he could spend a lot more nights at my house and that we would still go up to Oregon for Christmas at the end of this month, in the middle of her stay.

But I couldn't take it.  The shock, hurt, and fear were too much.

To begin with, I told him there is no way I could deal with that, no way that she could stay with him, and at first he seemed like he was considering other options like her staying with one of his co-workers.

But the next day in emails, I could tell he was trying to placate me.  He wasn't answering direct questions about the situation and her staying with him, him spending time with her, etc.  So I called and asked him directly, and he told me that she was going to stay with him.

I said, "Even knowing all that I've told you about how it makes me feel and knowing what I said about not being able to handle it, you are still making that choice?"

And he mumbled a bit and then said, "Yes."

So I broke up with him.

It's been a few days now.  He picked her up at the airport yesterday and God knows what they are doing right now, but I'm trying not to torture myself with those kind of thoughts.

I've been feeling so confused and hurt about how he could so definitively choose to "honor his commitment" (about finishing things up with her work-wise) and "fulfill his obligation" (to talk things through with her and have closure on their marriage and post-marriage relationship) through her living with him for a month, when he knew that potentially could end our relationship, his current commitment?

And how could he think that it's okay to live with this woman who I've never met and who, the last time he saw her, he was sexual with and talked about "giving it another try" (around this time even), before he changed his mind and decided to be with me?

And finally, how could he present it to me as a done deal instead of talking it through with me and working harder to help me understand and get on the same page with him, which to me shows respect and love?

Trying to understand his perspective, which I hope to more directly hear about tomorrow night when he comes over to talk, I've considered a few things:

1. I have been extremely jealous and emotionally volatile around the subject and he has reason to doubt I could have talked it over with him rationally.
2. He feels a lot of guilt about breaking up with her back in the Spring.  He was married to her for four years I think and has a lot of history with her and agreements I don't know that much about with regard to business/work.
3. He feels deeply (not that I agree) that he owes her this and would be a bad person if he didn't do right by her in this way.  So in this light, he's not choosing her over me but feels he has no other choice in order to keep his self-respect and integrity.
4. I don't know why she had to come out two weeks earlier.  I was too angry to inquire clearly about this but plan to do so tomorrow night.  But if there was a good reason for this, putting her up in a hotel for a month would be thousands of dollars that he can't really afford (nor can she I'm fairly sure) and it's unlikely his co-worker could have boarded her for a month.  
5. Because he feels so clear in his own mind that he is not interested in being with her, he expects me to trust this.  I also wonder if he feels at some level that this is a fair exchange because I live with a man, and my living situation has brought up a lot of insecurity and jealousy in him over time. Even though I'm beyond clear that I have no attraction and have stressed this with him.  I've posted about this before. . .

I think that he rationalized it in his mind and somehow made it fit together as an okay choice.  But the close confidants I've told clearly think this situation is outside the norm and seem to understand and resonate with my outrage.  An ex from not all that long ago?  Living with him for a month?  Really? 

I met with my Non-Violent Communication group leader yesterday, and she gave me a lot of empathic support.  It felt good to release emotion and receive compassion.  I was also able, through this process, to come to some of the above understanding of his perspective, which is also valuable.  I'm not saying I think he made the "right" choice, but I can see more of the feelings and needs driving his actions.

Do I wish that my feelings and our commitment somehow trumped everything else?  Absolutely, but I guess that's not the case here.

One aspect that I need to own is that I have had my own doubts about our long-term compatibility, and I know this has affected our relationship and how I treat him at times.  He was very hurt the other day when I did not respond to a text, even though I did receive it, until several hours later that evening.  Does that show some lack of respect and caring?  Probably so.  And there are other things I've done and said that show uncertainty and less than 100 percent commitment to him in my heart.  So I need to own those things too and recognize they likely play a role here, as well.

So, yeah, a depressing week.

To end on a slightly positive note, I did go buy and decorate a small Christmas tree yesterday - the first time I've done this on my own.  And I went to dance this morning, even though I was feeling very anxious and sad, followed by going out to the awesomely-named "Karma Kitchen" and eating with dance friends afterwards.  When I got home, I colored my hair a lovely red-auburn color.  Now, I'm drinking wine and am going to watch a movie.

I hope tomorrow night brings relief and understanding.

p.s. I would appreciate hearing any feedback or experiences you might have to share related to this.

Before Bed

I'm going to use a NaBloPoMo prompt from last week.  Maybe that's cheating, but please forgive me!

"What do you like to do between coming home and going to bed?"

Since I'm not working full-time, I'm going to translate that into what do I like to do in the evenings during the week.

My typical evening activities might include:

• Making and eating a yummy recipe, while sipping wine.
• Reading blogs, commenting, and writing a blog entry.
• Watching favorite TV shows (Modern Family, Parenthood, Private Practice, The Biggest Loser, Parks and Recreation, The Office, etc.) or a movie.
• If sh/cm is with me: talking about our shared goals and concerns; sometimes playing a game; or working on our computers together.
• Doing yoga and stretching.

The question specified the start point being after I come home.  If not, my evenings include other outside activities, such as Interplay, Non-Violent Communication, and Transition Town Heart and Soul Groups.

When on my own at home in the evenings, though, my activities tend to be fairly introverted and mellow.  I think I have mentioned before on this blog feeling frustrated that I seem to need an external catalyst to jump start into productive "getting things done" mode.  But I also am coming to the point of acceptance of my personality and natural tendencies.

Plus, many times I'm tired by the end of the day!

One thing I've noticed will catalyze me into action in the evenings is having a creative project (such as choreographing a routine or writing something) that has a deadline. . . I'd like more of these projects coming into my life.

What about you?  What do you like to do between coming home and going to bed?

Crash

I kind of crashed out emotionally today.

Had a crying jag in the middle of the afternoon.

Sh/cm and I staying out late for a catch-up dinner with one of my friends from college - and drinking vodka - probably didn't help (bonus invite to visit him in Hong Kong though!)  And then I didn't sleep that well or that long.

In fact, I probably should be in bed right now.

I'm chaperoning a green jobs fieldtrip tomorrow so that should be fun.  Not.  My attitude stinks.

On the phone with sh/cm tonight, I asked him what fun plans we could make for the weekend, so I would have something to look forward to.  We came up with pumpkin carving and a movie, after attending a Non-Violent Communication community cocktail party Saturday evening.

It's something anyway.

Ho Hum

So I definitely don't know if this cycle was successful.  Honestly, I'm thinking, "No."

I know it's early, but I have had no real signs or cramping or whatever.  My boobs are sore, but they seem to be sore every cycle around this time now.

The funny thing is, I haven't been focusing on it that much or feeling amped up about it.

Maybe the trip to Oregon and challenges with sh/cm have stolen my focus up to now.

Today is actually 9 dpo, not yesterday, as initially reported.  But I think Fertility Friend may be off by a day on ovulation.

Tomorrow will bring more activities to steal my attention in the form of an NVC workshop in the late afternoon, and a Transition Town Heart and Soul potluck and meeting at my house in the evening.

I'm also kind of excited to develop a website showcasing my career counseling services.

But the two-week-wait, whereas usually it's doing high kicks on center stage, right now it's just. . . ho hum.

Between Exes

Today, sh/cm and I were stuck between exes.

We started the day with a long conversation about his ex-wife, who is coming for two weeks in January for work.  Before we were together, he promised to help her with an audio aspect of her accent book, creating a recording of an American accent.  I guess.

Then we spent the afternoon at his ex-girlfriend's birthday party - the relationship he had prior to me.  We emerged from both these experiences in a remarkably positive place, though this morning's conversation was especially difficult.

I agreed to "let" him work with her, with the agreement that he will tell her this will be his final project assisting her.  Apparently, helping her in this way was a big part of their relationship, and he wanted to honor this final commitment (in part, out of guilt for abruptly closing the door on romantic possibilities with her in order to commit to me, which I talked about in a post back in June).

For a while in our process around this, I felt like he was choosing his friendship/loyalty to her over his relationship with me.  I wanted him to let go of his attachment to doing it so that we could openly discuss our feelings and needs before making a decision.  In the end, it does seem like this train has travelled too far down the track, and I agreed to go along with it.  But only after he had shared in a vulnerable way how he had developed this pattern of making solo decisions and talked about how he knew he needed and wanted to change this pattern for the benefit of our relationship going forward.

Anyway, after we worked our way through that maze, we went to Farmer's Market then jaunted off to his other ex's house for a lovely party.  It was surprisingly meaningful and enjoyable.  A lot of the folks there were from the local Non-Violent Communication community, and I knew a few of them and liked all the rest.

We participated in a "Giving Circle," in which each of us shared needs with the group, as well as things we wanted to offer to others.  I came away with a Life/Career Coaching Session, massage, and a Sand Tray Therapy Session.  Cool, no?  In return, I'm giving a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator assessment, an empathy session, and help with organizing a studio apartment.

After the party, we raced over to the Art in Nature festival, which was potentially awesome but in the throes of wrapping up.  There, we ran into the guy who caused strife between sh/cm and I a while back when he got the hots for me at my friend K's party and proceeded to talk about these feelings in his men's group, of which sh/cm was a member.  Random.

An overall kickin' day considering we spent much of it bouncing between exes and ghosts from the past.  For dinner, I made delicious Eggplant Almond Enchiladas from the Moosewood Cookbook using tomatoes and eggplants from our garden.  Yummy.

For those of you on the ttc track, I still haven't gotten a positive on the OPK, here now on Cycle Day 12.  

And I wanted to ask:  have any of you taken Femara?  If so, did it raise your basal body temperature, if you temp?  My temperature today was 97.7 and yesterday 97.9, several tenths above what it normally is at this time.  I'm thinking it has to be the Femara. . .

Job Update

In brief:  Did not take the One Stop job.  Was offered the a-lot-higher-then-I've-ever-been-paid, 10-hour-per-week teaching junior high career exploration classes job and accepted.  Knocked out a second interview with the Green Jobs program today and feel happy with my performance.  Will find out the results at the end of next week.  Happy! :-)

p.s. Looking back, my "Taking the Leap" post was confusingly positive about the One Stop job, I realize, yet looking back, I see that I had conflicted feelings about it which did not go away . . .

Also, hosted my Non-Violent Communication group (the half that could make it) at my house tonight and had a fun time meditating/checking in (yes, meditating can be fun! or at least enjoyable), watching NVC videos on you.tube, and playing the NVC card game called "GROK."  My social connection well is full!

Don't Wanna Be Fear's B*tch

In a bit of a tailspin about the job search process right now. . .

On the cusp of this full-time federally-funded case manager job opportunity, and fear is taking me for a ride.  On the one hand, I'm afraid of going through the big FAIL again, hearkening back to my last, similarly funded job: the lack of support, the unexpected new grant tripling my caseload, and the escalating nightmare in which I felt unable to succeed.

And on the other hand, I'm afraid of losing equanimity; spiraling into chaos and exhaustion with a full-time job plus a longer commute.  I don't think the latter fear would be as strong if this job wasn't federally-funded and, as they admitted in the second interview today, 50 - 60% detail-oriented paperwork and reporting tasks.

It turns out this job also has a caseload of 80 - 100 clients.  Granted, they would be adults versus youth and likely much more self-motivated and self-aware, but still I imagine that the career counseling/development process would necessarily be less deep with those kind of numbers.

I have a couple other potential opportunities: as a part-time case manager with a green job training/education organization; and as a part-time career exploration class facilitator for junior high school students (funded through a local community college).

A well-paying part-time job could be a building block to creating multiple income streams, which has been my long-term vision for over 15 years.  I've imagined these income streams including career counseling clients, writing a book/e-book/workbook, teaching a class(es), and co-producing social change theatre/dance projects.

Multiple income streams could potentially create more stability/independence, flexibility, and also more excitement.  I feel like I've lost myself for years at a time in previous jobs, then come out the other side wondering where all the time went.

Maybe because these jobs were not a great fit, but they seemed to suck my lifeforce and leave me with little energy for anything else of substance.  Sounds so dramatic, ha!  Anyway, I'm trying to wrestle with all this and not just react from the fear.

On the relationship front, sh/cm and I are talking a lot and growing closer.  Can't remember if I shared that he came with me to my ecstatic dance group a week ago last Sunday.  So sweet and endearing when someone goes outside their comfort zone for you.

Also really appreciating sharing a non-violent communication familiarity and using this tool on a regular basis.  It makes a big difference when both people are on board, believe me!

When we're together, those waves of strong feeling will wash over me and there's more of a sense that he is "mine."  I changed my Face.book status and received nice comments and lots of "likes."  Silly, but it made me happy.

I think I will write about my distancing pattern in more detail sometime in the near future, because I would like to hear your thoughts and experiences.  It has been such a torment to me over the years.  I told sh/cm that if I could cut off a finger and be rid of it, I would.  Disturbing, but true.

But overall, the way we deal with it together is reassuring, and we seem to keep getting to the other side and feeling closer.

On a lighter note, I'm looking forward to making banana bread tomorrow with a bunch of aging bananas we have in the fridge.

And going running first (in the morning as it's going to be a scorching day) to burn off the banana bread calories, as well as the Taco Be.ll taco salad I devoured this afternoon!

Percolating Emotions

I'm slipping in my NaBloPoMo commitment!  I at least want to log a drive-by post today.  Lots going on emotionally with the sound healing/chocolate man situation.

We talked things through on the phone for a couple of hours last night, which was really good.  We are getting together for lunch on Monday.

He would like to at least be friends and continue to get to know each other right now, and, to that end, we do have a lot in common and really enjoy talking to one another.

But we also have a lot of chemistry.

He's at a Non-Violent Communication weekend training workshop.  My NVC group met yesterday evening and it was helpful to process some aspects of the situation with them.  I got in touch with some anger and hurt, and needs for mutuality and security.  Continuing to percolate. . .

I think our conversation Monday will, at the very least, be interesting!

Pounding Head, Travel Bug, and Communication "Aha!"

Well, it appears Blogger is working again. . .

It's Friday.  For some reason, this week has been absolutely creeeeping by.  Possibly due to the incessant hammering, drilling, and general banging around going on at my house from 7:30 a.m. to 4 p.m.  I can't complain too much about that, though, because it's dramatically increasing my physical safety (a strong foundation in an earthquake is a good thing, an event which is much more likely in my region of California than most of the country)

Or maybe the time drag is related to my physical discomfort.  I don't know if it's Spring allergies or a sinus infection or some other mysterious ailment, but my head has not been a friend to me just lately.  Exacerbated by falling asleep on the couch and giving myself tight/contracted neck and shoulders.  Okay, I'm sounding like I am 90 years old!  Moving on to more interesting topics.

Sound healing/chocolate man (I think I'll go with this nickname versus "Fred") and I have been keeping in touch by email.  I'm so jealous hearing of all his local explorations (National Galleries, Trafalgar Square, Shakespeare, Richmond Park, etc.).

The travel bug hasn't made a habit of biting me much.  Maybe because I traveled more than the average in my early teens, thanks to Japan and European trips gifted to me and my two cousins by our generous travel-savvy grandparents on my Dad's side.

But it's hitting me right now, and I really wish I was in England!  Having a travel partner in sh/cm wouldn't be so bad either. . .

Last night I went to my Non-Violent Communication group, even though I was tempted to stay home and lie on the floor.  I am very much appreciating this group.  One aha! moment last night came around the process of expressing our FEELINGS and NEEDS to another person.

Our facilitator said that Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of NVC, stressed that it's important to then move quickly to the REQUEST  part of the expression, to avoid the danger of that person feeling that you are BLAMING them for causing your feelings; assuming you are saying they are doing something WRONG.

I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me in relationships.  I share my feelings, 'cause I'm a feeling kinda gal, with the intention of feeling closer and more connected to them.  Instead, they become defensive, I feel frustrated and assume they don't care, and we end up further apart.  So this is a big one for me to practice.

I am looking forward to a weekend without the company of drills and jackhammers.  Dance and theatre workshop on Sunday.

And maybe a Skype conversation with sh/cm.

Walking the Line

Oops, forgot to post again!  Hopefully, this forgetfulness will not ride along as a sidecar theme to "Maybe" this month!

In thinking further about whether I'm relying too much on external events to guide my life right now, I have decided it's something to be conscious of, but relatively normal and okay, all things considered.

I know my top priority is creating my own family and how I accomplish that desire IS to a great degree up to God/fate.  There are many paths up the mountain.  Being open to opportunity and possibility is a vital aspect of navigating through the "liminal phase" of transition; the in-between, after the separation and before the reconnection in whatever transition you may be experiencing.  

And maybe part of my questioning myself is related to feeling embarrassed that I became so excited so easily at a couple recent possibilities.  It felt premature in retrospect when they seemed to fizzle out and not manifest into what I had hoped.  But there is nothing embarrassing about being excited and hopeful is there?  

Maybe the trick is being able to walk the line between possibilities / hope / excitement and realism / not putting all your eggs in one basket (an apt phrase considering my blog and thoughts of ttc; eggs also symbolize potential).  Not always easy.

In a current real life application, I'm interested in sound healing/chocolate man (or 'Fred').  I don't know enough yet to be confident, but it's clear he likes me.  In addition to giving several compliments and sharing appreciation for me, he is very thoughtful and goes out of his way to make me comfortable.  The night of the chocolate event, he found me a chair, got up to get me water (twice), and was just generally very attentive to my needs.  

We talked for over two hours on the phone last night.  He is very interested and has studied Non-Violent Communication and plans to complete an intensive workshop in a few weeks to "take it to the next level."  This is my realm, and I love that he wants to learn and improve his communication and relationship skills.  Very different perspective from R!  

He is leaving Monday on a trip to England, back in two weeks, so our "getting to know each other" process will be in suspended animation for a bit.  Maybe that's okay. :)