I received an exciting letter in the mail on Friday saying I had been assigned a social worker and I should hear from them to set up a meeting within 5 days!
The letter also had criminal background paperwork for my housemate to complete and instructions for her about the live-scan process, i.e. pay online and then the form will be sent to take to a live-scan finger printing location. She was great about it and immediately completed it and mailed it in.
Adding to the sense of reality this letter brought with it, I saw my friend (and Oakland ex housemate) and his wife and baby yesterday. She is so cute and fun! She's learning to stand, grab on, and pull berself forward, and I had fun dancing around with her, but it was even fun just watching her discover carpet. They have wood floors and she was really curious to touch and feel the shag rug in the living room. I was imaging myself doing these things as a mother.
Another aspect of the visit was seeing how exhausted they were and the effort and time it takes to go anywhere. It was funny because we hung out at my house for a while and drank tea, then I suggested we head out for a walk and bite to eat downtown. I had been home much of the day on Thanksgiving and that day and was ready to get out of the house. They looked less than enthused and said they'd be happy just to stay there at the house. lol. I did eventually convince them to rally.
I hope the pieces keep falling into place. Looking forward to December happenings, then traveling to Oregon at the end of the month for Christmas.
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
2/04/2014
Surgery and Post-Op Report
Farewell, fibroid!!!
The surgery went very well and took a bit less time than anticipated. I have been recovering for the last few days and appreciating the pain medication. The first couple of days were the worst in terms of pain and not being able to move around and get up and down very well. Basically, any movement that engages your abdominal muscles hurts.
S was a Godsend the day of the surgery and stayed with me until the next morning when he left for an activist retreat. He came back that evening for dinner and the following day for the Super Bowl and was really supportive and there for me.
But then, yesterday, that support felt like it was abruptly cut off when he didn't communicate all day. I wrote him a report before I went to bed, and he briefly responded and suggested we talk in the morning. I imagine he was feeling fear around the physical and emotional closeness of the time we were spending together, though he says that's not the case.
Ironically, the way we were together over those couple of days was what I had wanted, or imagined I wanted, the last few months we were together. Being able to just "be" with each other and relax, hang out in casual way. Maybe we didn't do the most exciting activities - pretty much eating and watching TV and movies - but we talked some in-between, legs intertwined and holding hands. It felt comfortable and reassuring.
Clearly, I got a little too attached because when he went AWOL yesterday, it hurt my feelings. Now, as I regain my strength, I'm trying to let him go with love and not be angry that he couldn't offer that closeness in the context of relationship. I could not have gotten through this surgery without him, but we are not together anymore, and it's time to move on.
To take it a bit further, perhaps the difficulty we are experiencing now is a gift in that I can clearly see that he still does not have the ability to communicate and take ownership of what's going on with him, and he still has anger issues right there under the surface, as well. This is not the kind of relationship I want. And, I still feel grateful for the support he provided at this vulnerable time.
My friends were also supportive and brought food for me Saturday and yesterday. The lentil soup my friend (and current "buddy" in my leadership program) brought yesterday was sooo tasty and healthy, and I ate the leftovers today for lunch. When you feel sore, tired, and dizzy, cooking is not the best choice of activity. Two other friends are bring food tomorrow and Thursday. I could likely prepare something by that time, but I very much appreciate the extra care and time to take it easy.
Zoey was a trooper throughout it all. She could sense that I wasn't able to physically care for her in the same way and adjusted her reactions to my signals. Less jumping around and more independence; going outside in the yard by herself, etc. She was a good girl.
In the big picture, I am glad to be rid of the fibroid - and the second small one she took out too - and look forward to the positive differences I will feel, once healed.
The surgery went very well and took a bit less time than anticipated. I have been recovering for the last few days and appreciating the pain medication. The first couple of days were the worst in terms of pain and not being able to move around and get up and down very well. Basically, any movement that engages your abdominal muscles hurts.
S was a Godsend the day of the surgery and stayed with me until the next morning when he left for an activist retreat. He came back that evening for dinner and the following day for the Super Bowl and was really supportive and there for me.
But then, yesterday, that support felt like it was abruptly cut off when he didn't communicate all day. I wrote him a report before I went to bed, and he briefly responded and suggested we talk in the morning. I imagine he was feeling fear around the physical and emotional closeness of the time we were spending together, though he says that's not the case.
Ironically, the way we were together over those couple of days was what I had wanted, or imagined I wanted, the last few months we were together. Being able to just "be" with each other and relax, hang out in casual way. Maybe we didn't do the most exciting activities - pretty much eating and watching TV and movies - but we talked some in-between, legs intertwined and holding hands. It felt comfortable and reassuring.
Clearly, I got a little too attached because when he went AWOL yesterday, it hurt my feelings. Now, as I regain my strength, I'm trying to let him go with love and not be angry that he couldn't offer that closeness in the context of relationship. I could not have gotten through this surgery without him, but we are not together anymore, and it's time to move on.
To take it a bit further, perhaps the difficulty we are experiencing now is a gift in that I can clearly see that he still does not have the ability to communicate and take ownership of what's going on with him, and he still has anger issues right there under the surface, as well. This is not the kind of relationship I want. And, I still feel grateful for the support he provided at this vulnerable time.
My friends were also supportive and brought food for me Saturday and yesterday. The lentil soup my friend (and current "buddy" in my leadership program) brought yesterday was sooo tasty and healthy, and I ate the leftovers today for lunch. When you feel sore, tired, and dizzy, cooking is not the best choice of activity. Two other friends are bring food tomorrow and Thursday. I could likely prepare something by that time, but I very much appreciate the extra care and time to take it easy.
Zoey was a trooper throughout it all. She could sense that I wasn't able to physically care for her in the same way and adjusted her reactions to my signals. Less jumping around and more independence; going outside in the yard by herself, etc. She was a good girl.
In the big picture, I am glad to be rid of the fibroid - and the second small one she took out too - and look forward to the positive differences I will feel, once healed.
8/22/2012
A Blessing
* Welcome ICLWers! Thank you for visiting my blog. I don't have a journey summary, though I'm thinking I should create one now. But the first post (and second) should tell you some background if you're interested. I'm about to start my second injectable IUI cycle in a few days and am excited!
Today's Post:
As I've mentioned in prior posts, my mom passed away when I was four-years-old. I connected with her best friend from childhood, P, quite a few years ago when I was living in San Luis Obis.po. When I moved up here to the Bay Ar.ea, about two-and-a-half years ago, I lived in her guest house for the first few months until I found my own place. She is close to my heart and has become a bit of a mother figure in my life, gradually, over the years.
So, it touched me when she told me the other day - while we were having a snack and coffee after a work meeting I had down in her neck of the woods - that she thought it was a good thing that I was putting this effort in to becoming a mother. That she supported me because it was something I really wanted, and she didn't want me to have regrets.
This means the world. It's as close as I will come to hearing my Mom say that she supports me and gives her blessing.
Today's Post:
As I've mentioned in prior posts, my mom passed away when I was four-years-old. I connected with her best friend from childhood, P, quite a few years ago when I was living in San Luis Obis.po. When I moved up here to the Bay Ar.ea, about two-and-a-half years ago, I lived in her guest house for the first few months until I found my own place. She is close to my heart and has become a bit of a mother figure in my life, gradually, over the years.
So, it touched me when she told me the other day - while we were having a snack and coffee after a work meeting I had down in her neck of the woods - that she thought it was a good thing that I was putting this effort in to becoming a mother. That she supported me because it was something I really wanted, and she didn't want me to have regrets.
This means the world. It's as close as I will come to hearing my Mom say that she supports me and gives her blessing.
7/31/2012
Test Results and Developing My Inner Director
I started my cycle on the bus trip back from San Luis Obis.po. Woo hoo! Not. But actually I'm glad to get things going. Even though I'm not cycling this month, I'm getting tests done and beginning to gear up for my appointment on the 15th. It feels like the action is picking up. I think my tests came out pretty good. What do you think (see below)? Anyone know why she wanted LH tested at the beginning of the cycle?
I've heard different opinions about whether having a lower FSH matters when you've had a higher one. One school of thought says you're overall picture is only as good as your worst FSH result, or something like that. Whereas, I've also read about a lower FSH result (relative to other results you've received) indicating that your reproductive system is functioning better or something, and it seems like I read about doctors looking for a relatively lower FSH to go forward with an IVF cycle. Am I hallucinating? In any case, I'm glad my FSH hasn't gone up (my highest FSH was around 10).
On another note, I've been feeling out of sorts and mentally disorganized since I got back. Maybe in part because of the somewhat disturbing experience I mentioned in the last post, but also I think that even though the trip was quick, it was intense and I saw several old friends in a short time. I hadn't been back to SLO since moving to the Bay A.rea about two and a quarter years ago, though I'd seen my friend M, who got married, a couple of times since then (some of you might remember when S and I met her and the lech at the Mont.erey Aquar.ium last year). The time with friends felt warm and connected, and we reminisced about old times. But I have to remember that the reality of living there day-to-day was not nearly as connected. I lived alone and spent most days working and coming home to an empty house.
I actually think it's a good thing that I've been shaken out of my routine groove. It's kind of spurring me to think about changes I'd like to make, such as limiting my TV watching to a couple shows a day (I've been watching three or four). Not that there is anything wrong with TV watching; I just feel like maybe I'm using it as a safety blanket and it could be holding me back a bit.
| Component | Your result | Standard range | Units |
|---|---|---|---|
| FSH | 8.0 | mIU/mL |
| Component | Your result | Standard range | Units |
|---|---|---|---|
| Estradiol | 56 | pg/mL |
| Component | Your result | Standard range | Units |
|---|---|---|---|
| LH | 2.8 | mIU/mL |
11/05/2011
Jellyfish are Creepy: Trip to the Monterey Bay Aquarium
Did you know that Jelly Fish have no brain to speak of? Yet they move around like other living creatures or animals, seeming to navigate through space with purpose. It's creepy. Apparently the cells just react to certain stimuli and also in accordance to the cells around them, like a domino effect. Weird.
The trip overall was a good one. We also saw amazing sea horses. I'm sure you all know the males carry the young for a nice change of pace. The way they dance and use their tails to wrap around and hold onto things is pretty nifty.
My friend seems very happy to be reunited and going strong with her now fiance, and they got along well with sh/cm.
We all went out to a decadent dinner afterwards, which began with this delightful watermelon/tomato drink (it sounds gross but it was surprisingly delicious) and ending with lavender creme brulee (yum!).
In the car on the way down and back, sh/cm and I talked energetically about collaborating on a climate change workshop with similar information content to the one he did this week, but instead of non-violent communication exercises in-between the four sections to help people process, I would facilitate embodied movement exercises or creative activities. Each "between" section would be about 10 minutes or so.
We will offer these educational workshops free initially to community members and non-profit folks, adapting the material to make it most relevant to the concerns and potential action steps of each particular audience. Once we have the curriculum smoothed out, the thought is that we will offer the workshop to local non-profit organizations for a sliding-scale fee and also give "train the trainer" workshops, so that other's can give these types of workshops, as well.
Our energy around this project is exactly the type of energy I've been longing for related to collaboration, and I'm feeling both excited and hopeful.
Still no two-week-wait signs to speak of. My bbt has been bouncing around high, low, high, low, medium, so I'm not sure what that means. I'm supposedly on 7 days post-ovulation.
11/04/2011
Weekend Connections
This is going to have to be a quick one before I fall asleep right here on the couch. . .
Thanks for supportive comments recently about tension around sh/cm and exes. We had a good talk tonight and truly felt deeper empathy for the first time around situations that had triggered/upset one another.
Tomorrow morning, he is attending an annual fundraiser brunch with me for my Interplay Theatre organization, during which I may get up and do a little impromptu theatre.
Then, we are going to meet my friend M and her boyfriend, with whom she recently reunited, and check out the Monterey Bay Aquarium, then have dinner. M's the one we met at the Gilroy Garlic Festival a couple of months ago, and she shocked me when she said she and the boyfriend had broken up. Now it looks like they're heading for marriage, which should have been the case all along.
Having no two-week-wait signs whatsoever, unfortunately. I can't believe it's November already. The psychic said I might get a positive pregnancy test in December so that could be next cycle. . .
Thanks for supportive comments recently about tension around sh/cm and exes. We had a good talk tonight and truly felt deeper empathy for the first time around situations that had triggered/upset one another.
Tomorrow morning, he is attending an annual fundraiser brunch with me for my Interplay Theatre organization, during which I may get up and do a little impromptu theatre.
Then, we are going to meet my friend M and her boyfriend, with whom she recently reunited, and check out the Monterey Bay Aquarium, then have dinner. M's the one we met at the Gilroy Garlic Festival a couple of months ago, and she shocked me when she said she and the boyfriend had broken up. Now it looks like they're heading for marriage, which should have been the case all along.
Having no two-week-wait signs whatsoever, unfortunately. I can't believe it's November already. The psychic said I might get a positive pregnancy test in December so that could be next cycle. . .
11/02/2011
Seriously?
Nothing much going on here, except some tension with sh/cm. Our jealousy with one another's exes knows no bounds.
I think I'm going to ask your opinion on this difference in viewpoint we have, because it keeps coming up for us: do you think interactions with an ex-girlfriend and those with a guy I dated are in the same ballpark?
Additional information: the guy I dated a few times is currently my housemate and we have a mutual support-type relationship in which we share with one another our feelings about dating/relationships and our desires to have a child (his marriage broke up because she didn't end up wanting to have a child and he's one of those men who really wants to be a father). I have zero feelings of attraction for him and we had some flirtation when we first moved in together (I was feeling sexual and he happened to be there so I flirted with him) but haven't had any energy like that for over a year.
Sh/cm has been meeting with the ex-girlfriend weekly the whole time we've been dating because they are both part of an activist group that she co-leads. He's had emotional "triggers" come up around his relationship with her at the time of Burning Man and at her birthday, which last year apparently was the beginning of the end of their relationship.
As I write all this, it sounds so juvenile! But seriously, can you compare an ex-girlfriend relationship (who you were in love with and intimate with over several months and had trouble getting over) with a platonic housemate who you had a few dates with a year-and-a-half ago (with whom you are now friends)?
p.s. Nothing stirring on the two-week-wait front. I'm eating pineapple.
I think I'm going to ask your opinion on this difference in viewpoint we have, because it keeps coming up for us: do you think interactions with an ex-girlfriend and those with a guy I dated are in the same ballpark?
Additional information: the guy I dated a few times is currently my housemate and we have a mutual support-type relationship in which we share with one another our feelings about dating/relationships and our desires to have a child (his marriage broke up because she didn't end up wanting to have a child and he's one of those men who really wants to be a father). I have zero feelings of attraction for him and we had some flirtation when we first moved in together (I was feeling sexual and he happened to be there so I flirted with him) but haven't had any energy like that for over a year.
Sh/cm has been meeting with the ex-girlfriend weekly the whole time we've been dating because they are both part of an activist group that she co-leads. He's had emotional "triggers" come up around his relationship with her at the time of Burning Man and at her birthday, which last year apparently was the beginning of the end of their relationship.
As I write all this, it sounds so juvenile! But seriously, can you compare an ex-girlfriend relationship (who you were in love with and intimate with over several months and had trouble getting over) with a platonic housemate who you had a few dates with a year-and-a-half ago (with whom you are now friends)?
p.s. Nothing stirring on the two-week-wait front. I'm eating pineapple.
10/20/2011
Crash
I kind of crashed out emotionally today.
Had a crying jag in the middle of the afternoon.
Sh/cm and I staying out late for a catch-up dinner with one of my friends from college - and drinking vodka - probably didn't help (bonus invite to visit him in Hong Kong though!) And then I didn't sleep that well or that long.
In fact, I probably should be in bed right now.
I'm chaperoning a green jobs fieldtrip tomorrow so that should be fun. Not. My attitude stinks.
On the phone with sh/cm tonight, I asked him what fun plans we could make for the weekend, so I would have something to look forward to. We came up with pumpkin carving and a movie, after attending a Non-Violent Communication community cocktail party Saturday evening.
It's something anyway.
Had a crying jag in the middle of the afternoon.
Sh/cm and I staying out late for a catch-up dinner with one of my friends from college - and drinking vodka - probably didn't help (bonus invite to visit him in Hong Kong though!) And then I didn't sleep that well or that long.
In fact, I probably should be in bed right now.
I'm chaperoning a green jobs fieldtrip tomorrow so that should be fun. Not. My attitude stinks.
On the phone with sh/cm tonight, I asked him what fun plans we could make for the weekend, so I would have something to look forward to. We came up with pumpkin carving and a movie, after attending a Non-Violent Communication community cocktail party Saturday evening.
It's something anyway.
10/11/2011
Thank God it's (almost) Wednesday
Weathered another exhausting day with the middle school malcontents. The Kaiser medical career video was above their heads; some classes more than others. Sixth period was just a pain in my you know what and took every ounce of energy I had left after the trip and feeling under the weather.
Managed to make it to Interplay and a birthday party for our Interplay leader afterwards. These are "good people": when I lay down on the floor to stretch when my head/neck was hurting, two peeps commented I could lay in a space over near the group, and the host brought me a neck massager!
Off to bed now. Will try for a longer post tomorrow. . .
Managed to make it to Interplay and a birthday party for our Interplay leader afterwards. These are "good people": when I lay down on the floor to stretch when my head/neck was hurting, two peeps commented I could lay in a space over near the group, and the host brought me a neck massager!
Off to bed now. Will try for a longer post tomorrow. . .
9/17/2011
Implantation Dip?
I hope this chart comes through. These represent the last two months of my cycle, plus the incomplete current month, as the legend indicates. The ice blue line is my current chart: do you notice anything different? My temperature dropped off precipitously this morning a couple of days earlier and a couple of tenths lower than it has in previous charts, which has me thinking "implantation dip."
I'm trying not to get too excited though, since last night was a weird night. My bedtime was a couple hours later, after returning from dinner and a play in the city with sh/cm and friends - I love the way that sounds! I clearly don't do it that often. lol
Anyway, the play - which was a feminist interpretation of the Ramayana, a sacred Hindu text, and cast my Non-Violent Communication friend K in the lead - and after-play discussion went longer than expected, and then sh/cm and I got into a long talk about recent communication with his daughter (who had been painfully estranged from him) and our individual and collective goals. I didn't get to bed until after 1:30. I took my temperature at around 6:50 am - which is when I normally take it, but after only about five hours of sleep - and it read 97.7.
When I took it again a little after 9 am, it read about 98. Would you count the first one if you were me?
If I count the first one, it really seems to be an implantation dip. Time will tell. If my temperature shoots back up tomorrow, then that would say a lot.
My only other sign so far has been sore breasts. Really sore. Unusually and surprisingly sore.
So, I am holding hope, but trying to hold it lightly. . .
8/03/2011
Cycle Update, with Garlic on the Side
Thanks you to those who commented about your supplements: it sounds like I am on the same page with many of you, and I also learned a couple of things!
So, this cycle looks to be a bust. I haven't had any twinges or implantation spotting or really any other signs to speak of. I've been tired but have also been going to bed late.
I do wonder about the effects of the supplements, though, and perhaps my body taking time to get used to them. Curious if any of you noticed any reactions or differences in your cycle after starting supplements?
A couple specific new effects I've noticed: first, this is a weird one, but my face, especially around my mouth/lips, has felt little surges of tingling; and second, my basal temperature kept climbing after ovulation to 98.2 and hung out for three days, whereas it has recently been rising to only 97.9 and staying there. A couple of days ago, it did come back down and settle at 97.9.
I've also had a few deep feeling twinges/pain in my breasts, but that is likely just PMS stuff.
Feeling absolutely nothing from the uterus area.
My cycle is due to end Thursday or Friday, so I guess I'll know for sure then.
On a happy, hopeful note, I started acupuncture today, and I love my acupuncturist! I kept falling asleep on the table and felt a couple of energy surges that really made it seem that something was happening. My plan is to go weekly; mostly for community "chair" sessions, but do one private session with needles in abdomen around ovulation.
Did I mention sh/cm is paying for this? Loving. Him.
Speaking of sh/cm, we went to the Gilroy Garlic Festival over the weekend, and he met one of my closest friends from San Luis Obispo for the first time.
She shocked me by showing up without her boyfriend of several years, saying they had just broken up the previous weekend. I was so sad for her because everything she has said about him, as well as the way that they were when they were together, indicated he was the "one" for her. It's a complicated situation, and she hopes they will eventually end up back together, as do I.
But sh/cm really shone in this circumstance; rolling with the surprise of it being three versus four of us (definitely changes the dynamic) and being very supportive and giving a "guy's perspective" when she shared some thoughts and feelings with both of us at the end of the day (she and I also talked about it privately earlier when sh/cm was out getting drinks/food).
We took some pictures together, which turned out really well. We danced and looked at arts and crafts. We walked around, basking in the sun and the general diverse, "good vibe" friendliness of the place.
When my friend sent me the pictures, I thought, "Wow, is that us? We really look like a couple!" hehe
We have also had a couple different areas, one for him and one for me, where we've gotten emotionally "triggered" lately. But I think I will share about that in another post. . .
So, this cycle looks to be a bust. I haven't had any twinges or implantation spotting or really any other signs to speak of. I've been tired but have also been going to bed late.
I do wonder about the effects of the supplements, though, and perhaps my body taking time to get used to them. Curious if any of you noticed any reactions or differences in your cycle after starting supplements?
A couple specific new effects I've noticed: first, this is a weird one, but my face, especially around my mouth/lips, has felt little surges of tingling; and second, my basal temperature kept climbing after ovulation to 98.2 and hung out for three days, whereas it has recently been rising to only 97.9 and staying there. A couple of days ago, it did come back down and settle at 97.9.
I've also had a few deep feeling twinges/pain in my breasts, but that is likely just PMS stuff.
Feeling absolutely nothing from the uterus area.
My cycle is due to end Thursday or Friday, so I guess I'll know for sure then.
On a happy, hopeful note, I started acupuncture today, and I love my acupuncturist! I kept falling asleep on the table and felt a couple of energy surges that really made it seem that something was happening. My plan is to go weekly; mostly for community "chair" sessions, but do one private session with needles in abdomen around ovulation.
Did I mention sh/cm is paying for this? Loving. Him.
Speaking of sh/cm, we went to the Gilroy Garlic Festival over the weekend, and he met one of my closest friends from San Luis Obispo for the first time.
She shocked me by showing up without her boyfriend of several years, saying they had just broken up the previous weekend. I was so sad for her because everything she has said about him, as well as the way that they were when they were together, indicated he was the "one" for her. It's a complicated situation, and she hopes they will eventually end up back together, as do I.
But sh/cm really shone in this circumstance; rolling with the surprise of it being three versus four of us (definitely changes the dynamic) and being very supportive and giving a "guy's perspective" when she shared some thoughts and feelings with both of us at the end of the day (she and I also talked about it privately earlier when sh/cm was out getting drinks/food).
We took some pictures together, which turned out really well. We danced and looked at arts and crafts. We walked around, basking in the sun and the general diverse, "good vibe" friendliness of the place.
When my friend sent me the pictures, I thought, "Wow, is that us? We really look like a couple!" hehe
We have also had a couple different areas, one for him and one for me, where we've gotten emotionally "triggered" lately. But I think I will share about that in another post. . .
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)