Happy New Year!

Thank you sooo much to those of you that commented when I was feeling sad and vulnerable. I really appreciate it, and it very much helped!

I rarely have much time to post now because of Little Miss, but I wanted to share a few memorable happenings from the holidays:

RC's oldest son from Texas came to visit with his wife and four (!) kids, ages 4-years up to 12-years AND, at the last minute, his youngest son came down from Portland and stayed two nights on our floor. The family stayed in an airbnb but hung out at our quite small townhouse for a good portion of the time. That was interesting, especially considering the 4-year-old is very energetic! But we loved seeing his sons and grandkids (my grandkids, too? eek!) meet and interact with Ellie. I am so happy these relatives are in her/our lives. I feel she is a little more secure in life with more folks who love her. :)

We went to my Dad's and fiance's house for Christmas eve and had a delicious prime rib and crab dinner. I breastfed her at the table again and am getting comfortable with doing that whenever needed - with family, at restaurants, in the car. lol

Christmas morning, after an impromptu visit from RC's family (we had plans to spend time with them in the afternoon), we went to my sister's house. I was so proud of Ellie and how she was able to hang out in her car seat for a good amount of time. I fed her once (my family takes a long time to open gifts!) and was still able to participate and watch my nieces and nephew and the rest of the family open their gifts, which I'd been a little worried about. It was a great morning, and my family liked their gifts and gave some special gifts to Ellie, too, which was fun. Christmas afternoon and evening we spent with RC's family and made a delicious standing rib roast for dinner.

I will say it was challenging to be in the role of both hosting out-of-town guests and participating in local family gatherings. It would have been great to combine both, but we couldn’t host that huge group here, and it would have been a big stretch for my sister to do it, also. In any case, she didn’t offer, and I didn’t think I should ask. I did feel it out indirectly, and it was clear that would be a no go. So we tried to both spend as much time with his family as possible AND participate in local family activities, which was hectic at times. We did it though, and overall, Ellianna’s first Christmas was wonderful.

New Year’s was nothing special in and of itself, but we are doing some reflecting and goal setting that I think will be meaningful. I, and I think RC, are doing the 101 goals in 1001 days that Risa posted about recently on her blog. One goal is to find a fairly close part time job in Eugene, hopefully within the next few months. On reflection, working from home with the baby is just totally unrealistic for me, unless we were able to afford in-home care. In the meanwhile, and likely concurrently, I will continue to attend my business networking group and be open to new career counseling clients.

On New Year's Eve, we reflected back to when we became engaged last year. Then, we spent New Year's Day at a beautiful light house and beach location on the Oregon coast and have some wonderful memories. I can’t believe so much has happened in a year!

Lastly, I’ll share that embryo donation has been at the forefront of my mind lately. I have struggled with wanting to try again with our remaining embryos, but we don’t feel it’s  realistic for us right now, unless something changed. So, we are now considering embryo donation, as well. It’s interesting to look at profiles now from a totally different angle, after looking at various profiles from an infertility lens.

 I’ll leave you with a couple pictures of Ellie and family taken over the holidays. Happy New Year!

Another Round of Fertility Procedures (eek!)

This post will be about wrapping up a loose end, than talk about fertility procedures and upcoming appointments...

So, first of all, something has been on my mind for a long time and I want to put it out there, even though I feel nervous and awkward about it. I feel I owe it to my supporters.

A couple of years ago, when I was really excited about a donor embryo program (which happens to be under the umbrella of the same organization where RC and I are currently getting treatments), I launched a fundraising campaign to raise money to make up the difference between the loan for which I qualified and the cost of the program. Despite the generosity of many online friends, and although I raised a respectable amount, I was not able to raise the amount needed to move forward. And then time passed, and through no action on my part, I no longer qualified for the secured loan. Then, I decided to pursue adoption again. Then, I got a job in another county. Then, I moved. Then I met RC, etc. Life kept rolling on, and I didn't have the presence of mind to stop and acknowledge that I never moved forward with the donor embryo program for which I had raised money.

Sooo, I want to acknowledge that now, and once again thank all the kind, generous people who donated to my campaign and supported me in my dream. I appreciate you so much. Those monies were used up in initial testing procedures, the efforts towards adoption and qualifying for my home study, buying items for the nursery, and in the moving transition. But I did not cross the finish line and they did not go towards the bulk of the program cost. Now that RC and I are moving forward again with fertility procedures, I feel that all the support people gave me along the way have brought me to this point, and I'm extremely grateful. I also feel I should offer to give donations back if anyone is uncomfortable with the money not being used directly for the program I was pursuing at that time.

Will you please write me individually if you feel this way, and I will make an effort to return your donation?  Thank you, and thank you very much to everyone for the support you've given me on this very long journey.

With regard to the donor egg IVF program RC and I are currently pursuing, we have the first round of treatments coming up next week! He is having a sperm extraction procedure - I can't spell the name of it at this moment - which is making him feel pretty nervous. From what the doctor told us, we are confident we will end up with more than enough healthy sperm to move forward with the donor egg IVF at the end of August or beginning of September.

When we go in next week for his procedure, I will also get another saline sonogram, since too much time has passed since my last one. Since I had polyps removed in February, I'm hopeful my uterus will look good, fingers crossed. Then, at the beginning of August, our chosen donor will start her medication protocol in preparation for extracting eggs for both us and another couple who is sharing the donation with us. I will also start a medication protocol (mainly estrogen and progesterone I think?) at some point. So that's the plan so far.

I have had some interesting concerns and questions come up around using a donor egg that I didn't necessarily expect. In part, I think it's different using a donor egg and my partner's sperm versus a donor embryo, which to me felt like adoption, but having more control and early connection. In this case, RC WILL have a genetic connection to the child and I will not, which feels unfair in a way. I'm feeling some sadness again about not having the chance to look for my own features in my child and compare similarities with RC.

But then I think about being pregnant and holding MY baby, my child, and the excitement far outweighs the sadness or concern. We were fortunate to be able to choose the donor from their database... our first two choices were not available, but our third choice was, and now I feel like it was the right choice for us. She has a childhood picture in her profile that looks a little like me as a child, she's short and muscular like me, she has short grandmothers like me, she's introverted, smart, kind, and plans to study neuropsychiatry. She has English and Irish heritage, like me, and Scottish like RC, but also has a little Greek and Cherokee, which I've been wrapping my mind around. I'm at the point now where I think that's pretty cool and look forward to exploring that with the child down the road.

I'll probably write more on this later but want to get this post published for now. This is getting really real, and it's giving me butterflies even as I type this!

Anticipating Fall Changes

Summer definitely feels on the downward side, on its way out. I know the weather will be nice for a while longer, happily, but my school year - and returning to a 40-hour work week - is ramping up.

This is my last week working just a few hours at the college. Next week I am scheduled for three days there, and the following week I return to four, while continuing to fit in my 15 hours at the nonprofit. That week well actually entail longer days because of new student orientation and two days of staff retreat. So I'm a little nervous about the increased stress and energy demand, but overall I'm excited and ready for the return to a bigger paycheck!

A last minute twist in this semester schedule is that I was offered a one-unit career assessment class as part of a move towards more dual enrollment college classes at high schools. I have mixed feelings about it… the pros are that it increases my experience and value at my new college, as well as builds my resume in terms of teaching a new class. Plus, it's in my area of passion and expertise, and takes a few hours away from the high school to college program, which I appreciate.

On the con side, it's a half hour away and involves teaching high school students. I think they'll be relatively well-behaved students, in comparison to other schools where I've worked, but I still prefer college. It will also involve considerable time on the front end to prepare lesson plans, a syllabus, etc., as is always required for a new class. Since it's only one unit, though, it will only be an hour and a half of teaching, one day a week for eight weeks, and I'm sure it will fly by. Overall, it's a positive, and I'm glad for the opportunity.

I can't help but think about how my schedule will need to change if I'm placed with a child in the near future. My home study is complete - though they're late in getting my certificate. A small issue, but I can't wait to hold that official piece of paper in my hand! I have a meeting scheduled with my new placement social worker, B, in August, then she will start bringing my family book to county meetings, looking to match me with a child.

Everything is feeling more real to me now, and I notice a variety of feelings…First and foremost I'm feeling  excited and hopeful, and I also notice feeling some curiosity and anxiety about the dramatic changes that will unfold in my life. My trip to Tahoe and caring for my nieces and nephew, as well as, don't laugh, but watching Outdaughtered on TLC and other parenting shows, I'm anticipating the demands of parenting an infant or toddler more acutely.

I'm thinking this is a good thing, psychologically preparing me. At least I hope so! But in the end, as a friend told me, I can't really know how it will be until it happens. I do know that my work schedule will necessarily change, at least for a while. I will probably have to let go of the nonprofit work and will try to cluster my work hours into three or four days. A question for the parents out there, what were you most surprised by once your child arrived?  What changes did you have to make that you didn't anticipate?

Next Step Considerations

After getting a white crib -  with all the pieces this time - and a nice, solid white changing table with drawers off of Next Door (I love that website!), I've pretty much got the nursery together now! I need to find a small, not too pricey glider and pick up some small clothes hangers.

In the rest of the house, I still need to get safety latches on a couple of the drawers and cupboards in the kitchen. I did get a safety mechanism for the front door knob and mats for the front door, kitchen, and bathroom. My bathroom is ridiculously small, y'all. It's sort of fitting because I'm definitely not a 'spend a lot of time in the bathroom' kind of a person. I do all my getting ready in my bedroom.  But I wonder how that will be with a kid… I guess I can make adjustments or add storage items later.

After the drama with the agency I'm working with, as well as word-of-mouth warnings I've been reading from friends and online, I admit I'm feeling some worry about whether I'll actually get placed with an infant within a few months. I'm thinking about whether I can get comfortable with the idea that I may need to foster a child or two before I connect with my forever child. There is so much potential loss associated with that idea, but also the opportunity to be a loving and stable influence on other children going through a traumatic time.

Once my homestudy is complete, I plan to consider all my options – both new options and those I've considered before. Summer seems like a good time to do that. My thought is that all I can do is keep taking the next step and making the best decisions I can.

Final social worker visit is a week from tomorrow – wish me luck!

End of NaBlaPoMo and My Word for 2017 (and 2016)

Final November prompt for NaBloPoMo: "Have you chosen a word of the year for yourself for 2017? What is it? If not, what words would you consider?" When I first read this, I thought this year for some reason so started writing about that. So first I will share my word(s) for 2016:

First, a stream of consciousness word jumble to brainstorm:

 S, colon cancer, NVC, not again, car wreck, totaled, insurance, new used car, EOL pod, financial coaching, business growth, ups and downs, reunion, rekindled hope, fundraising, donor embryo, niece, pen pal, Oregon, ceramics, housemate search, new housemate, relief, new job, belonging, appreciation, laughter, Halloween, unicorn, too.many.interviews, rejection, questioning, lessons learned, business plan?, Thanksgiving from planet meh, love my dog, foster adoption training, home study, new connections, refocus on BNI, ready for December holidays, trip home, avalanches of abundance.

Narrowing to three: ups and downs; rekindled hope; and too.many.interviews.

Narrowing to one: REKINDLED HOPE. These words relate to becoming a mom and they are core to my purpose and the fire that fuels my drive forward in life.

And finally, the true prompt, my word for 2017... what do I want to welcome into my life in the new year: FAMILY. My own family - that's it. Inherent in that word is home, stability, and love. Yes!

Thanks for reading along with my 29 posts this month. I feel good about this accomplishment! And look forward to staying in touch with several new bloggers. Happy (in 5 minutes on the West Coast) December!

A Welcome Letter - and timely visitors

I received an exciting letter in the mail on Friday saying I had been assigned a social worker and I should hear from them to set up a meeting within 5 days!

The letter also had criminal background paperwork for my housemate to complete and instructions for her about the live-scan process, i.e. pay online and then the form will be sent to take to a live-scan finger printing location. She was great about it and immediately completed it and mailed it in.

Adding to the sense of reality this letter brought with it, I saw my friend (and Oakland ex housemate) and his wife and baby yesterday. She is so cute and fun! She's learning to stand, grab on, and pull berself forward, and I had fun dancing around with her, but it was even fun just watching her discover carpet. They have wood floors and she was really curious to touch and feel the shag rug in the living room. I was imaging myself doing these things as a mother.

Another aspect of the visit was seeing how exhausted they were and the effort and time it takes to go anywhere. It was funny because we hung out at my house for a while and drank tea, then I suggested we head out for a walk and bite to eat downtown. I had been home much of the day on Thanksgiving and that day and was ready to get out of the house. They looked less than enthused and said they'd be happy just to stay there at the house. lol. I did eventually convince them to rally.

I hope the pieces keep falling into place. Looking forward to December happenings, then traveling to Oregon at the end of the month for Christmas.

Local SMC Adoption Meeting

Lesson learned in tonight's meeting with other SMCs pursuing adoption: talking in detail about goals and plans to strangers makes them seem very real! It's exciting, and I also felt some nerves.

Four of us made it to this inaugural gathering, and I have few other insights to share:

• SMCs are very diverse and come to be an SMC - adopter in diverse ways. For example, some folks were married, then divorced because he decided he didn't want kids (and don't want to try getting pregnant on their own or feel it's too late), some women were never married and never tried biologically, some tried really hard through all means available to become pregnant and then opened up to adoption.

• Everyone brought up worries about the issue of the "dedicated room" requirement in the context of the Bay Area housing market, which somehow felt so validating. Each of us are planning for and managing this requirement in different ways. Some were glad to hear that my county adoption agency is a bit more lenient than some and, for one thing, does not require a built-in closet. *The county and many agencies require a dedicated bedroom in the home for the child, either from birth or when they turn 2 years.

• No way around it, this is an emotional process. One poor woman was clearly stressed and pent-up when she arrived, and it was a little annoying until she started talking and I realized it was because she was holding back tremendous sadness and grief over her divorce and not having a child with her ex. She and I related with regard to both of our exes holding us back from pursuing motherhood and when the relationships ended, both feeling compelled to move forward quickly.

• We took a moment to recognize two huge positives: one, that single women would not have been accepted or often even allowed to try having a child on their own or adopting on their own a generation or two ago; and two, we are super fortunate living in the Bay Area in terms of normalizing alternative choices and paths and a very progressive overall culture.

Hopefully we will stay in touch and meet again. There is an East Bay SMC Thinkers/Tryers group we might all check out, as well, though I like the idea of having an adoption sub-group, as it has unique considerations and steps.

Holding Up a Mirror

Another amazingly supportive post, this one from Laura at Our Surly Life. Reading it, I felt moved and really "seen," as well as a strong sense of belonging.

She also held up a mirror that I don't really think about that often - which is that I am the only one of my circle of mostly SMC bloggers to not yet have become a mom. I think part the explanation for that is that my blog is not just about ttc or becoming a mom, but also about relationship, career, self development, and just plain "life," and those are things we all share. But it's true that I have been "left behind" in that arena.

But honestly I haven't dwelt on it and have genuinely enjoyed hearing about their children and family developments. Sometimes the thought would cross my mind that I was learning from all their experiences and this would benefit me when I had a child.

In any case, I highly value this community of smart, courageous, and talented women and I'm grateful to be part of it! Thank you for your generous and compassionate post, Laura!

p.s. I went to doctor today my physical/check-up and also gave blood for a series of required tests for the program. :) Feels good to take steps forward. The bad news is that I gained more weight than I thought, and I need to lose 10 pounds to qualify for the refund. Argh

Significant Developments

This will be a very significant and eventful post for me. It may seem sudden, but what I've realized is that this suddenness is connected to the fact that I was waiting and feeling "on hold" for the last 7-8 months. Waiting for S and my relationship to progress. Waiting for him to come around and become clear on wanting to be a parent. Waiting for the worst of his treatments to be over and for him to be in a place where this could be a priority. And not only was I putting my dreams of motherhood on hold, but also my hopes for a deeper commitment.

After 3 years in relationship and 5 years since we first became romantically involved, I felt we knew each other well enough to move forward. At the beginning of this year, S asked me for patience around that. So I waited. Along the way, I felt him opening up and, if not yet embracing, becoming willing to accept becoming a parent with me. We had several talks, as I've mentioned on this blog; one in which we talked about whether we might go the donor embryo route or the donor egg route. I was surprised to hear he felt drawn to the donor egg route, if I was open to it.

All this to say, when we had our second big conversation about becoming parents last weekend, I anticipated us continuing to discuss options and process his concerns/fears about his age and about finances, but ultimately to get on the same page to work together towards a common goal or goals. What I was not expecting was for him to begin the conversation saying that he had come to a decision that he did not want to become a father again due to those concerns. That he had made up his mind. I later learned he had come to this decision over a month ago (!), which helps explain some of the dynamic and fighting between us during this time.

You might recall he has a history of making unilateral decisions and keeping secrets, then blindsiding me once he feels clear and has judged the time to be "right" to tell me. It has never gone well. When we had those processing conversations back when we ended our relationship the last time and when we got together again last August, we discussed that pattern and I asked him to be honest; to not keep secrets. I believe secrets are toxic.

In any case, last weekend when he said he was clear he did not want to be a father again, I was completely blindsided and went into shock and abandonment grief. It felt like a betrayal and that he was saying he did not want to be with me. Knowing how much this means to me and then to say he absolutely doesn't want it felt like he was breaking up. We parted ways pretty quickly after that without talking about it in more depth. We have exchanged a couple of emails and have plans to talk Friday or Saturday. I'm not sure if there is any way through for us. I am open to talking about but I can't imagine having a child and being with him but he not participating in caring for the child. And I don't intend to give up my dream.

So... fueled by the many months of waiting and re-committed to my dream - and also encouraged by several special online women friends who have been supportive through my many years of trying to have a child - I took some big steps this week, which include...

• Updating my application for the California Conceptions donor embryo program, a program I had researched and considered three years or so ago.
• Starting a fundrazr campaign to hopefully raise half the cost of the program - $6,000. 

My business has grown and it's likely I'll have counseling hours at a college again starting in May/June. I will know more about this next week and take further actions at that point. I'm also meeting with my bank to explore financing options. But both because I think I would likely only qualify for a few thousand and because I don't want to start a family too much in debt as a likely single mom, I am asking for support to cover some of the expense of the California Conceptions program.

I realize some of you reading this may not agree with this method of covering expenses, and I respect that...I ask that you also respect my decision. I have considered this carefully, and I feel in alignment with crowd funding as a partial support. In part, because I have supported others campaigns to help them achieve their sacred dreams, and I do feel this dream of mine is sacred. I've felt called to be a mom for over 10 years and spent time reflecting and researching and even taking steps back and not pursued it for some time while I looked at my motivations and healed from past hurts. I am a spiritual person and believe that God has guided me to become a mom; I feel it is part of my purpose and part of who I am.

Which leads me to a request. If you feel drawn to support my campaign, will you consider making a contribution and/or sharing my campaign with your circle of friends? I would be deeply grateful. If you don't feel comfortable with either of those actions, wishing me well is enough and also means a great deal. If you're still reading, thank you for hearing me. I will write updates on this blog as things progress.

With Gratitude,
Kristina

Happy Easter! and family/work updates

I'm not sure if this post will be cohesive, but wanting to share some happenings, so here goes...

It's Easter weekend, and I'm feeling a little sad not to be spending it with a little one. I told S that I wanted to spend this Easter with a child - my nieces and nephew or his grandchild - but it's not working out unfortunately. His daughter and son-in-law did make the move out here. She has a job already, and he has been interviewing and is close to landing one. They sent their one-year-old to her grandma's house in another state during the transition, which I don't think that I could do, but it sounds like she's happy and thriving. The grandma has been a caregiver for her since birth, so that does make it easier. She should be arriving in a week or so - can't wait! - but we're missing Easter with her.

Instead, I'm meeting S to watch the UO bball game (go Ducks!) this afternoon out at a sports bar somewhere, then going to dance tomorrow morning for the first time in over seven months - my knee is doing great with daily use and working out but I'm planning to take it easy - and meeting S afterwards for Easter brunch. Looking forward to our plans, but I'd still rather be with my brother's kids right now dying eggs!

S and I have been doing pretty well. We hit a bump in the road a week or two ago around his jealousy rearing it's head again and my frustrated attempt to set a boundary which then triggered him, but have moved through it in part thanks to the NVC couple's group we've been attending. We still plan to see our counselor to work through it further but are feeling close now. He's in his last round of chemo treatments and doing well so far, but we still have a few months to get through. As a reward for getting through it all, we plan to travel to Ireland in September! His step-son is getting married near Dublin. Woo hoo! It will be my first time traveling there, though I do have some roots in my ancestors, the Dunlavy's.

We have also had further conversations about becoming parents and made headway. We talked about different options, and I think he's coming around to donor embryo or foster adoption, but it's another thing we plan to discuss with our counselor. He's understandably worried about finances and the long-term responsibility piece. He makes a very good salary at this current job and honestly I'm not sure where it all goes and why he can't save more than he does. I know he has some credit card debt, but as I'm writing this I wonder if he's paying alimony to his ex-wife. We have had some money conversations but haven't gotten that far, yet.

My business continues to build slowly in fits and starts. I have a couple more career consultations this week so wish me luck. I'm also still waiting to hear back about two college counselor applications I submitted. My ideal is still to land a part-time counseling gig and continue building my business. There is a chance that I could be re-hired and given hours at my previous college for summer/fall, so I'm keeping an eye on that, as well. My marketing/client attraction program just formally ended with the final intensive last weekend, but I'm assisting at the next event in April and plan to stay connected, hopefully doing their speaker and leverage programs in the near future. I would definitely love to publish an e-book and get some videos or a home study program online! I officially joined my BNI local networking/referral group last week and am super excited about the potential there to get a steady stream of new clients. We are meeting for a second time next week.

Still waiting to see what happens with my housemate/living situation, but she couldn't pay rent on time this month, and I'm wondering if she might be on her way out. Considering that factor plus negative responses from the college district nearest S, it looks like it might be a good thing for S to eventually move in here. More shall be revealed soon, hopefully, on that front. Guess that's all the news for now...Hope you have a very Happy Easter weekend!

A New/Old Idea

Happy Friday!  The corner has definitely been turned heading into the holiday season...

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving - both the gathering I now have planned with a few friends to eat, play board games, and watch a movie - and having extra time off.  I think I'm going to get a Christmas tree this year, so I'll probably put it up that weekend after Thanksgiving to allow three weeks of enjoyment before I head off to Oregon.  And eggnog coffee is already bringing holiday joy to my mornings. :)

Regarding my last post and "the void" that was left by not focusing on fertility and ttc (and not being in a relationship - and that I'm now noticing more since I'm settled after finding a place and moving): I talked to my new Ecology of Leadership (EOL) phone buddy, and she suggested putting it out to the larger EOL group.  I did this and heard back from two or three people who said they were available for phone calls and would like to get together.  I have a lunch date for next week.  This is all good but has helped me realize that the "void" is definitely more about day-to-day connection, not as much having events planned on the calendar.  Phone calls may help if I can get in the habit of reaching out.  Pursuing a creative project may also bring meaning and focus.  But I think the core of it really gets back to my longing for family.  Along these lines, C asked me about another possibility I haven't focused on in a while...

Guess I need to backtrack first and say that BBBS rejected me.  I was surprised but noticed that I felt some relief.  The woman said policy prevents her from telling me the exact reason, but that I have a lot to offer a child and she hopes I find another avenue to connect with one.  So, it didn't seem to have anything to do with my character but might have had to do with what I shared in the interview about trying to have a child for quite a while and that I wanted ideally to have a positive connection with a child who was able to "attach" (I have worked with youth who have attachment disorders).  She may have felt I had too high of expectations for the experience, and they really emphasize having little to no expectations.  In any case, I have come to think it is for the best, and the relief I felt was about the recognition that I don't think a big sister relationship would likely fulfill much of my desire to be mother.  I was "settling" for that choice, which isn't a good place to be coming from.

Back to the other possibility C asked about... She brought up foster parenting and adoption.  I actually completed a foster parent adoption training when I lived in San Luis Obispo, but then my organization closed doors and I didn't feel I could move forward while unemployed.  I'm still not earning what I feel I should be ideally, but I'm stable and employed.  When she asked about it, I felt excitement and energy to investigate what would be required in this county, so I plan to do that in the coming weeks.  Even if I don't move forward right now, it will be good to have the information.  One obstacle could be that I live in a two-bedroom house.  J is never home but the other room is still "his" room.  Maybe that would limit me to fostering younger children, which is what I would like anyway.  Much to learn.  What do you think of this plan at this point?  Am I being overly optimistic that I might qualify?

It's raining here today, so I am going to have a cozy day working on another full-time counseling application, grading papers, and refining my agenda for Tuesday's class - only one class to plan for this week - yay!  And I have a couple Netflix movies to watch later.  Hope you are keeping warm and cozy, too.

Epiphanies

This Ecology of Leadership program is turning out to be as much, if not more, about inner growth as it is about our projects in the outer world.  I want to share my accomplishments so far, but especially want to share a very recent and significantly healing epiphany I had last week related to my reproductive past and future.

Working within the structure of the monthly weekend intensives - I had my fourth one last weekend - our monthly "buddy" pairings, and our regional program "Pods" that meet a couple times a month, I've had many accomplishments, including:

• Clarity and planning around my goal of forming a Social Change Theatre Troupe
• Integrating new routines of "Sit Spots" - sitting out in nature for 15 minutes, five days a week - and regular journaling into my life.  I've journaled before but had slacked on it for a while.
• Having surgery and relying on community, including EOL friends, to support me.
• Lots and lots and lots of self reflection and visioning, focusing on six chosen areas of my life, including drawing complex and evocative "mind maps" of my visions in these areas.
• Supporting a couple dozen other people - of diverse ages, genders, and cultures - in the process, and opening up to let them support me.
• From an ecological perspective, focusing on healing blocks in the "roots" of my inner life and unconscious, so that the "canopy" of what I show and achieve the world can be full and thriving.  Various processes around this over the weekend intensives and individual work in between.

To the last point, I had a huge shift, or epiphany, in this last week!

As background: Going into last weekend in Bolinas (the place where we meet is gorgeous and very special - used to be the site of Native American ceremonies and includes gardens, meadows, hills, beautiful trees and forest areas, and a short walk to cliffs and beaches of the ocean), I had experienced a revelation around my theatre project.  Reflecting on my vision and needs coming up around it, as well as just how long I had held this deep longing to be part of a troupe, I realized that most of my vision was directly carried over from a theatre troupe I auditioned for and desperately wanted to join a couple of decades ago.  Even though I knew they were specifically looking for men of color, I took it personally when I was not accepted and was devastated.  I just knew they would see my passion and abilities and welcome me into the group.  It was not to be.

In any case, I think I was looking for control around something I had not a lot of control over, and I took up this longing for a troupe and carried it with me.  I have done many theatre projects and collaborations in the non-profit, community, and activist sectors but haven't managed to form an ongoing troupe, which felt like a failure.  What I realized is that I am already getting a lot of the needs met that I hoped to meet through the troupe "right now" through my InterPlay and dance groups!  These include creative expression and collaboration within a "sacred space" or space of exploration and acceptance.  And community is coming in other ways, too, through EOL and InterPlay, so the main desire I have and that might be met through the troupe is regular creative contribution; producing educational/outreach performances and self/community development workshops that make a positive difference for individuals and the community.  I've never had this level of clarity AND I have a partner in this endeavor who is totally on the same page, my friend K.  I didn't mean to get that detailed about the theatre project but it IS a big deal for me. :) So back to the weekend....

I came with that insight, expecting a lot of focus on our projects, but instead we dove into women's and men's experiences and issues.  We divided into two groups by gender and talked about our feelings and experiences around men and being a woman in this culture.  Not a small topic.  Lot's of very deep sharing, crying, bonding, supporting.

During this experience, I shared about my abortion two decades ago when I was involved with an ex who was unavailable.  I shared about that on this blog before and reconnecting with this guy three years ago or so.  So, I knew that was a deeply wounding experience for me, and I tried to work through residual pain in various ways over the years - writing letters to my unborn child, crying, getting angry, talking to the guy about it and how it affected me, etc.

But there was more there.  The emotions were combined with a cognitive aspect, as well.  I realized through talking about it in the healing container of the women's circle and in three emotional conversations since - in the larger group, with my housemate, and with my "buddy" - that not feeling like I had choice in that situation contributed to the energy I brought to trying to have a child on my own.

* As a caveat, I absolutely know that having a child as Single Mother by Choice is a wonderful and valid choice, so it's not about the validity of that, it's a very personal realization that I brought energy and compulsion to it based on the lack of choice I felt I had back then around the abortion.

At the time, I wasn't able to hold a space for myself to reflect and consider all options, and he, who was several years older, was not able to hold that space for me or himself either.  He was driven by his own fear and desire for self-preservation and immediately shifted into convincing me that an abortion was the only valid choice.  And I, unfortunately, was addicted to him and his love and approval of me and couldn't say no, hold on here, I need to think about this, maybe see a counselor.

That's not entirely true... For a short time when I first found out, I do remember considering and telling him that I could go live with my birth mother's family in Oregon (I was pretty sure my immediate family would disapprove and likely reject me), but he argued against that.  I couldn't imagine myself, a recent college graduate at 22/23 years old, raising the child on my own and couldn't imagine losing him either.  I have thought so many times that I wish I could go back and make another choice, but that's coming from where I am now.  Now, I am able to hold space for myself.  Now, I am able to raise a child on my own.

So, I feel compassion for myself back then, and I am even finding compassion for him in his immaturity and fear, which, unfortunately, he never really outgrew.  I also feel angry that he couldn't help me - couldn't open up to my needs as well as his own.  But mainly, I just feel incredibly sad that we were both so limited in our capacities.

So the epiphany is that, cognitively and emotionally, I've been letting that experience, in part, drive my decision making around having a child.  I actually don't regret trying, though I might not have tried quite as often or in as many ways.  I don't regret trying these past couple of years with S, though I think it made us stay together longer than we otherwise would have.  If I don't have a biological child, the possibility of which is growing increasingly dim, I might have really regretted not trying.  But I brought a belief that I needed to control this situation; I needed to have a child to heal my past experience, in part to forgive myself for my past and not being able to hold that space to reflect and clearly choose what was right for me.  To take that choice back.  But by bringing these emotions and beliefs along with me, I realize now that I was actually limiting my choices and continuing to be controlled to some degree by that experience.  Does that make sense?

Which brings me to now.  Going forward, I want to let go of this pain and regret, and anger and grief.  I want to forgive myself, and, yes, forgive him, to the best of my ability.  I want to relax and trust myself to hold space for reflection and clear choice.  At this time, I am not on solid ground to pursue having a child on my own.  My finances are not at the level I would like, and my living situation is uncertain as of May or June when my housemate moves in with his fiance.  Plus, I am still immersed in EOL and would like to focus for now on community and relationship.

To end this long and intense post - thank you if you read the whole thing! - I want to share how this epiphany and healing has rolled out in the past few days.  So I had a date on Friday, and a short time into this date (which lacked chemistry to begin with), the guy starts yammering on about having kids and how women around 40 get fixated on that, and then asking when I decided I was not going in that direction of having kids, etc.  OMG, I felt revolted.  I couldn't have felt more clear that we were in completely different developmental stages of our lives.  He was 51 years old, but I know there are guys that age out there, like my housemate and like S, who are interested and open to having a child or another child.  Other things this guy said showed how insular and closed minded he was, like when he goes out in nature he can't wait to get back home.  I could not get out of there fast enough.  I went home and changed my profile to be MUCH MORE CLEAR that I am interested in having a family in some way and that I would like to meet someone who is similarly open.

I will also say that the door is open to pursuing becoming an SMC again in the future, when life circumstances change.

So this epiphany, rather than closing me off to having a family, seems to have empowered me and brought more confidence, clarity, and choice about how and when, and in what circumstance, I move forward.  Feeling so grateful for this healing process and it's impact on my life.  Would love to hear your comments, thoughts, and experiences...

Happy Birthday to Me, and Happy Holidays!

I had a great birthday, though I can't say I'm excited about turning another year older!  The day started with brunch at an English pub.  S and I met a friend I know from my dance group.  She had actually organized the brunch, cancelled when not many people could come that day, then went ahead with it when she found out we would be coming, which was totally cool.  Her husband was originally going to join us but could only stop by for a minute.  We had a good time, though, and then another interesting couple dropped by for breakfast and a chat.

At the end of brunch time, my friend and I broke away for a half hour to talk.  We had been trying to connect for the prior week, as she wanted to discuss motherhood issues coming up for her around a family member becoming pregnant.  She reads this blog and knows my feelings and efforts in this area, so wanted to connect with me about it.  Her husband doesn't want kids, but understandably she hoped this might soften over time.  I feel for her and hope that something in the situation might shift as what she wants draws into clearer focus.  We discussed how, while it's not foolproof, sometimes it seems that one person's position can change when the other person becomes really clear about their own needs or desires.  Or maybe something will shift in her own feelings.

Anyway, I really enjoyed the morning of good food, good company, and meaningful conversation.  We headed off from there to watch "The Hobbit" movie.  I enjoyed it!  I guess it's described as "cartoon" violence, and this violence doesn't tend to bother me in the same way.  The science fiction, other-worldly aspect is fun... and I love Gollum!  He's such an interesting character from a psychological perspective - so broken and delusional.  We all have Gollum within us!  ha  

Finally after heading back to my place for some Zoey care, S and I went to a very nice dinner in our favorite neighborhood.  The same restaurant we chose for his birthday a year and a half ago!

* As a side note, this is one example of many "do-overs" we're experiencing, which feel quite healing.  Opportunities to experience something similar but from a radically different (and happier, healthier) place.  My whole birthday and hopefully the rest of the month including Christmas are actually "do-overs" in that sense, as we broke up at the beginning of December, casting a pall on the entire month last year (as many of you might remember).

But back to dinner... we actually had a lot of deep conversation over wine and delicious food, including talking about our possible paths to parenthood:  we both still feel a desire for a biological child, could also imagine adopting, and can even consider the possibility of living child-free, though this is not either of our preferences.  It's amazing to me I am able to even try that last one on, but I have done so, as I think I've shared here, entirely separate from him.

We ended with a yummy tart with ice cream and chocolate cake dessert split.  He gave me presents of chocolates, a book, and a trip to wine country, but I swear, going out to dinner makes me as happy as anything.  Eating out more often is definitely one of the perks of dating someone, in my book.  I'm laughing at myself!  Ah well.

I need to wrap this up and head to bed.  I did want to share that we've had two counseling appointments, and this is going remarkably well.  So far, we are able to maintain closeness and not become adversarial, which I was a bit worried about.  Also, we are getting to the heart of some of the issues that affect us, including his responsiveness to intense sadness or other strong emotions I may feel, and my grief and anger (yes I still have some anger) about the shock and pain of our break-ups.

And lastly, it took me longer than anticipated, but I did eventually rev up into the Christmas spirit.  My little tree is decorated (see below), gifts bought and sent, cookies made.  Really looking forward to going to a couple of friend and family events on Christmas and having S with me.  Glad to not be leaving the Zoester either.  I miss her when I don't see her for two or three hours; whole days are brutal!  Here are a couple fairly recent pics of my sweetie pie.  :)

Longish Check-In

Saturday check-in...  It's a foggy day in Oakland.  I'm trying to get some work done with these monthly reports I have to submit on my international students.  This month, there are a series of questions that must be answered by the student, school, and parents, so it's more of a pain.  The website just cut out for "maintenance," so I thought I'd blog for a while instead!

*Interesting side note:  I attended my first parent-teacher conferences yesterday as these kids "guardian" here in the States.  It was fun being in that role and discussing the kids and their school performance with the teachers; brainstorming ways to help them succeed.  This role may be the only one I ever take on in terms of parent-teacher conferences (guardian versus ever being the parent).  I'm trying thoughts like this on regularly lately...

Zoey's snoring away in her crate but will be up soon and wanting to play again.  I'm looking for some new, interesting and interactive dog toys - any of you dog moms out there have ideas for me?  I got her the Kong toy, which is great, but more interactive with herself.  It's perfect when I need a little time to check email or do something while she entertains herself.  We play fetch and rope tug.  And the training is fun - now she knows how to sit and then go down on her belly when I say, "Down," which is great.  Training is going to continue to be a fun thing between us, I think.  But even with all these things, our choices seem limited sometimes with play activities.

I think I shared about the Greater Bay Area Transition Conference we had on October 6th, didn't I?  I'm pretty proud that our committee planned and executed it successfully, and we had over 100 people when we thought we might just get 50 or 60.  I want to dig my teeth (uh oh, I've been hanging out with Zoey too much! :) into the next project to keep Transition growing in the Bay Area.  Our local neighborhood in Oakland needs to have a next Initiative meeting, also, to work on local neighborhood carbon and energy use reduction and community building stuff.  It's gratifying, and yes "meaningful," to see tangible positive impacts of my efforts.

Last but not least, this week, I spoke with my ex, S, in an effort to continue finding closure and a manageable comfort level in community circles.  Well, we got so "comfortable," we ended up kissing!  What the h-e-double-hockey-sticks!  

A big part of the reason things ended up there was that the conversation was quite open and caring, and I felt like he was able to be more honest - and hear more of my honesty - than he ever has before.  He's doing some "work" on himself, which he feels is dissipating his tendency to compartmentalize things (such as the impending visit from his ex, knowledge of which he withheld from me for several months).

Speaking of withholding, however, I also found out from him that, when she was here at Christmas, they made plans for him to visit her earlier this month (though they were not romantically involved while she was here).  The purpose being to both wrap up work stuff but also see each other, perhaps evading the ultimate "good-bye."  It's so strange: Who plans trips that far in advance!

Anyway, when we started considering getting back together in March, I think that would have been good information to reveal, right?  So basically he did the same old withholding crap he'd done before, and this apparently contributed to his decision to break up with me at that time as he didn't want to go through all the trauma of the first time he'd withheld information like that.  He also said, and truthfully I think this is more of the reason, that he had made a previous judgment that we would not work out together that he then couldn't let go of.  As mentioned, he feels the growth he's done since that time makes him less likely and less able to compartmentalize and withhold like that.    

I'll share more later, but don't want to go on and on right now.  Basically, I'm trying to figure out what I want and also what he can do to make amends for these choices he made previously, as he says he's willing to do what it takes to help me to forgive him.... so that we can reconnect as friends, which I think is all I want.  But things get confusing!

Crisis of Meaning

Sorry for not posting or commenting very regularly right now... I think it's a combination of my life shifting to a much faster track with a puppy on board (pictures and video to follow below), as well as taking a step back to sit with - and I'm aware of how dramatic this sounds - a "crisis of meaning."

Since at this point, it's looking like I may never become a biological mother, what will take it's place with regard to my life's purpose and direction?

Off and on for the last several years, I have focused on trying to conceive in various ways: known donor, co-par.enting, IUIs, natural way within a relationship, and medicated IUIs.  And when I wasn't trying to conceive, in the back of my mind, I knew I would return to trying at some point.  I don't have that confidence now.

I don't know why out of six IUI attempts, non-medicated and medicated, and at least 8 months of trying naturally, I haven't become pregnant.   Other than, for whatever reason, I just can't.  Either my eggs are too old (most likely I guess), or my uterus is unfriendly for some reason as yet undetected.

Yes, if I had $15,000 right now, I would try IVF.  But that is currently out of my affordability range.  I may still try to get a loan, but I think that would likely allow a couple more medicated IUIs versus IVF.  Maybe, just maybe, international IVF.

I wish someone could tell me with certainty whether I have enough good eggs in there to warrant trying more in this way.  In any case, I'm not feeling super motivated to try and make that happen right now.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of getting my hopes up every try, just to get no results at all.   I'm tired of trying to scrape together the financing piece and living with the stress of not having as much money or financial cushion as I need.

And.  There's one other new consideration.  Some of you may laugh, but having a puppy has given me a taste of single motherhood.  And it IS hard.  At least for me.

I read some SMC blogs, and these women are rocking single motherhood and don't seem to be all that stressed.  I am definitely getting in more of a groove with Zoey, but damn, she requires a LOT of care and constant supervision, not to mention always thinking of her with every plan I make.

She needs to be let out for bathroom breaks and exercise and food.  I can't just go out for a few hours in the evening or drive off to work for the day.  Care has got to be arranged, or I need to schedule myself accordingly.  She needs vet care and baths.  I am even obsessed with the health of her poop!  lol

I'm not complaining.  I think getting Zoey was the perfect decision for me right now, and I get so much joy and love from playing and cuddling with her.  We're having fun learning new tricks, like sit, down, leave it, settle, etc.  And she is giving my life purpose and direction, that's for sure (though not equal to the meaning of motherhood of course).

But it makes me imagine taking that care to the next level for a baby and doing it all alone.  It's a little overwhelming to think about.  I do think it's "training" me in a way, and I would be better prepared going into caring for a baby.  But boy does it sound more manageable with a partner or substantial help.

So, there's that.  I don't have a settled clarity yet, but it's all rambling around in my psyche and spirit right now.  We'll see where the pieces land...

With that, I leave you with some pics and a video of my little girl, Zoey (the video I took on my iPhone is not uploading - any advice?):

Here's Zoey chilling out on a hot day in her luxury swimming pool. :)

Zoey had a sun toy from the vets that she thrashed around, chased and chewed.  The sun has now "passed on" in torn-up glory, and she has an orange bear made of similar material.  We'll see how long Mr. Bear lasts... this could get expensive.

A Blessing

* Welcome ICLWers!  Thank you for visiting my blog.  I don't have a journey summary, though I'm thinking I should create one now.  But the first post (and second) should tell you some background if you're interested.  I'm about to start my second injectable IUI cycle in a few days and am excited!

Today's Post:
As I've mentioned in prior posts, my mom passed away when I was four-years-old.  I connected with her best friend from childhood, P, quite a few years ago when I was living in San Luis Obis.po.  When I moved up here to the Bay Ar.ea, about two-and-a-half years ago, I lived in her guest house for the first few months until I found my own place.  She is close to my heart and has become a bit of a mother figure in my life, gradually, over the years.

So, it touched me when she told me the other day - while we were having a snack and coffee after a work meeting I had down in her neck of the woods - that she thought it was a good thing that I was putting this effort in to becoming a mother.  That she supported me because it was something I really wanted, and she didn't want me to have regrets.

This means the world.  It's as close as I will come to hearing my Mom say that she supports me and gives her blessing.

School Endings and Cycle Beginnings

I wrote this on Thursday evening but didn't finish the post:

I was reading a blog post while driving in slow, stop-and-go traffic today and gently tapped the car in front of me.  Whoops!  Lesson learned!  No damage to either car, thank goodness.

I'm done with the school year, yay!!!  Finished up our fourth and final school today.  The kids gave presentations based on their career research paper.  Or many of them did anyway.  I was pleased overall with the level of participation.  In only one class did I have to really work to cajole them to get up and speak.  So much so that I was doing cartwheels.  Actual cartwheels.  I convinced two additional people to get up and speak with that reward.  Not sure why it was so exciting.  I guess you don't see a teacher do cartwheels in the classroom everyday. :-)

It's now Saturday.....

...and I'm so loving sitting in the sun on the deck right now.  Feeling very happy.  Just got off a super-fun Sk.ype call with a guy, T, who lives in the U.K.  OMG, he's so cute.  And not just in terms of looks, but his whole personality.  We talked about all kinds of things, from international travel, to spirituality, to what makes up chemistry between people, to living in community, to alternative economies.  It was awesome!  And we both said that we found it unusually easy to talk to one another.  We made arrangement to check in tomorrow and maybe talk before I go to bed, which would be 7 a.m. his time.  He told me about the "Ringing Cedars" book series.  Have any of you read this series?  I want to get a hold of it.

Grateful to be done teaching and also to find out that I will have work through the college counseling office through the summer.  At least enough to get by.  I also applied for two other part-time jobs: SAT (and other) tutoring for Com.pass, which sounds like a good company, and International Student Coordinator with a local, private high school.  I'm not sure how the hours work out for the latter one, as the ad said I would be paid $700 per student but detailed many different stages of working with them and their families.  I hope I land one of these!

Regarding this cycle, I think I'll probably go ahead.  Once again, dating is making me question my choices (what if it works out with him?  what if we want a child together?), but I think I'll still take the leap.  Many "signs" seems to be encouraging me, including all the donated medication I've received, and the support that has recently surfaced from a couple of women I know.  One woman from my dance community actually wants to be a co-parent.  I haven't quite wrapped my head around that, yet, but she also said she would love to be a "special aunt," so that's great.  Another woman who collaborated with me on my recent Transition workshop asked me today whether I had "aunts" lined up, and also if I was interested in intentional community.  She's a super cool lady, and I would love to have her in my and my child's life! 

Finally, I had a fundraising idea to host a "Fun and Games Fertility Night," where I would facilitate theatre games (people could also watch), and we could also play board games, snack, and talk.  I would ask a donation range.  I put the idea out to some of my women friends.  The one response was awesome, and I'm waiting to hear from the others.  I could potentially raise a few hundred to a thousand dollars, which would definitely help. 

After my injection refresher last week, I feel confident and ready to go on that front!  My cycle is due to start in the next couple of days...

Purple Rain

Dramatic scene calls for a dramatic song.

I went out on what I thought was a fun, romantic *second date with sound healing/chocolate man.  We met at his house after my Interplay theatre group, then walked to a local sushi restaurant. . .
*Only second date, though we knew each other briefly before from a grassroots community group and have been talking on the phone, then emailing during his trip.

Where he proceeded to tell me:

First, that he had thought about what I said about wanting a child and that he had already done that and was not interested in doing it again but admired and respected my desire to do so blah blah blah; and

Second, that in the course of his two-week trip to England (during which I was 'wishing I were there' and missing him if you recall, grrr), he had spent time with his ex-wife and they had decided to give it another go.  Apparently, she is coming out here for a couple of months in November.

Yes, it does seem odd now that I think about it that this is not for another six months.

Needless to say, I felt taken off guard, then angry and sad, all of which I expressed.  And to his credit he heard.  We do seem to have great communication.  sigh.

When I asked why he didn't give me a clue this was happening during the trip, and in fact gave signs then and all the way up to dinner that things were moving forward with us, he said that the reality of the situation hadn't hit him emotionally and also he wanted to talk to me about it in person.  Hmm.

I told him I would  have much preferred to know and then discuss it further in person, rather than go along for two weeks thinking everything was fine.  He did say he was sorry.

Then oddly we proceeded to have a generally enjoyable night, continuing to talk about things and also express our feelings for each other, which seem mutually bigger than they should be considering the short time we've spent together.

I should mention that in the course of the conversation I suggested the kid thing might be an excuse or way to feel better about the other thing (he said he really wanted a family in his 40's then felt he was too old now he's 50), and he said he did think we likely could have come to an agreement on that.

And we laughed a lot throughout the evening.  I really like his sense of humor.  sigh.

When we parted ways at my car, we hugged and then he kissed me.  I kissed him back, which maybe wasn't a good idea.  He told me he was having regrets.

In the light of day, my response to that is, "Well that's lovely, call me when your regrets have turned into clear actions showing you are available and want to date me, K?"

So, yeah, I'm in a Purple Rain kinda mood. . . mainly just disappointed.

Not There Yet

Almost the end of the weekend, another Mother's Day come and gone.

I generally haven't felt much depth of love and gratitude on this day.  My Step Mom married my dad a year and a half after my birth Mom died and, though I call her Mom, for whatever reason we have never had a close-knit mother/daughter bond.

I always get her a card and gift (and remember many times where she did things for which I'm grateful or taught me valuable skills etc.), but if I am honest, I send her these things out of obligation versus an organic feeling of deep appreciation and love.

I went to my dance group today and then out to a Himalayan/Indian lunch with my dance peeps.  It was a fun day but generally just another Sunday.

I did have a moment mid-dance where I felt a wave of sadness and sat out on the edge of the floor for a while just being with my feelings.  My dance scene is great like that: you can bring whatever you are feeling and be with it in the space without fear of judgment.

Anyway, I think it was because I had been thinking about my Mom and Grandma, and reading a bunch of blogs this morning that were poignant and moving to me (thank you to those of you who recognized and expressed my and others' experience so beautifully), and I just had some emotion stirred up.

But it passed fairly quickly, and then I rejoined the dance.

Maybe someday this day will be full of deep authentic appreciation and love, but I'm not there yet.

Car Drama and Maybe Baby

Another turn of the wheel and life looks different again.  

I don't think I mentioned that my car disappeared on Saturday.  I parked it in front of my house Friday night, as usual.  The next morning, I must have looked hilarious milling about where the car should be and looking around with a puzzled expression.  

I initially assumed it had been stolen but soon found out otherwise from the Oak.land Pol.ice Dep.artment. . . So I will make an admission at this point:  when I don't see any solution to a situation, sometimes I just throw it off the radar screen, which I did with this situation.  

But only after discovering that, in order to retrieve my TOWED car, I needed to pay my remaining DMV registration balance (I had paid the registration fee but it was late so they tacked on additional fees I was in the process of paying off), pay a police release fee, AND pay the towing yard for towing and storage fees.  Most of which was impossible on the weekend. 

So today as I emerged from my fog of denial, I found out that the towing and storage fees currently stand at $350 and they will add $60 for each additional day of "storage."   Ack!  I told my housemate, then just decided to go to my dog walking gig, as my mind churned about possible solutions but was finding none.  

Then, miracle of all miracles, my housemate offered to help me.  He admitted it was selfish in part because he knew if this situation was not resolved, then rent would get behind and it would affect him too.  But regardless, he is completely awesome and I am incredibly grateful right now.  

He drove me to all three places and paid the fees, and my car is now sitting out front again with a shiny new registration sticker on the back plate.  Thank you, K!!!  I will pay back most of the money he loaned me at the end of the week, but he saved me several hundred dollars in additional fees and more.

And having my car back meant that I could keep my meeting with a new potential co-parent in San Francisco.  This new possibility came up recently.  I will write more about it later, but suffice it to say, I love what I know about these guys so far!  

They are a gay couple, absolutely adorable, who have been together for 10 plus years.  The oldest one is my age, the other one a few years younger, and they are both educated, bright, and athletic.  I totally feel on the same wavelength with the older one I met with today, who would be the donor.  He made me laugh a lot and the whole conversation was relatively comfortable, even when the topics were more difficult (such as finances, custody arrangements, etc.).  

I am taking this a step at a time and promise to share more in the coming weeks, if and when things progress.  

So MAYBE I met the father of my child today!  

Or MAYBE not. . . but it's exciting to consider!