My spring semester at the college ended yesterday. Our program graduation on Thursday went well, and the speeches the graduates made were extraordinary and moving. After some stress around budget changes, we were given the same continuing hours for fall, and it feels great to have that continuity. Additionally, I was given a few hours a week during the last half of June and all of July before we have a full week of retreat and orientation when fall semester ramps up at the beginning of August. With these hours, the court disbursement I finally received last week, the non-profit work, and my career counseling business, it looks like it may be a little tight this summer but OK.
In this present moment, I'm looking around my house and recognizing there is a lot of cleaning to be done. I feel jealous when I hear people being struck with spring or summer cleaning fever. I must have a strong immune system when it comes to that illness. haha I do get motivated by outside catalysts, and yesterday I scheduled a big one – my final social worker visit on June 15th. I intend to make a list today of all the actions I need to take and what I need to get in place before she comes.
I had a scare last week when my social worker sent a lengthy email about additional policy changes which shift their demographic to a higher number of older and special needs children. I understood this was always the case, but I guess they are expanding relative searches for infants, among other things. She then asked me to expand my per age and or special-needs parameters. I wrote back that I was not comfortable with that and reminded her of previous in-depth conversations we had last year about it. She wrote back that in that case they would be unable to work with me. What? I was freaked out, needless to say, after jumping through inumerable hoops and literally being on the threshold of completing the homestudy. I wasn't sure she knew I've been communicating the past two months with their agency coordinator and completing all the replacement forms based on my move. So I sent those to both her and her supervisor and also left a voicemail with the supervisor Friday late afternoon.
And in my worried state, I also started doing some research with the county I live in now to see which parts of the homestudy might transfer. I will say I really liked the two women I spoke with in this county, but they needed to do further research about it...and regardless, I would need to redo the intensive interviewing process. I was clear I wanted to complete the homestudy with my current agency, since I'm so close, then consider options about how to move forward. Once completed, the homestudy can travel with me to other counties, etc.
So, long story short, I finally heard back from the supervisor on Wednesday, and she said there was a miscommunication and she did not mean they wouldn't work with me. She just wanted to stress the policy changes and likely longer timeline for placement with an infant. I said I understood but still wanted to complete the homestudy, which she was fine with, thank God. I think my social worker may have expressed things more strongly than she was supposed to. In any case, I'm super relieved!
No big plans this weekend, but I'm looking forward to attending the new church I found tomorrow and hiking with a friend on Monday. I hope you have a fun and relaxing holiday weekend!
Showing posts with label finances. Show all posts
Showing posts with label finances. Show all posts
5/27/2017
3/05/2017
Spoke too soon
Well, I might have spoken too soon about that pulling the Winnebago back from the cliff thing. I really thought that once I started this new position – I was okay. Now, I'm not so sure. Instead of depositing my rent check the normal way, my landlord decided to drive up to my credit union branch. I was short a little bit and depending on overdraft protection for checks, which of course didn't kick in when he went to the branch. Getting a flat tire the week before last didn't help things. When I took the car in, they said two additional tires needed replacement as well. With the brutal commute I have, I just couldn't take the risk. My landlord is freaking out and wanting total payment immediately.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel on April 10, when I receive my first full paycheck from the new job. I'm talking with a potential new roommate this afternoon… I said in the ad it would just be for a few months. I also hope to get legal advice on Monday. I reached out to my landlord to talk, once to explain the bank situation and once to ask to sit down with him and see if we might find something that works, but he's not responded. I am getting a small paycheck from the new job on March 10 and my nonprofit payment the 15th. I'm looking at other options to pay two months rent… If I do get a new roommate and she gives one month deposit that would go a long way.
Considering all possibilities, if I do have to move, I found out the majority of my homestudy paper work would still be valid, she would just need to do a walk-through at the new place and ensure child safety measures in place. My new home also needs to be within one hour of their office, and the three places I'm considering – Petaluma, Larkspur, and San Rafael - are all within 50 miles. I really don't want an eviction on my record, however, and if I'm focused on paying my landlord with that first check, I won't have enough for a full deposit.
There are just some significant unknowns at this point… I'll check in again after my conversation with the potential tenant this afternoon and after I talk to the legal counsel on Monday. I feel foolish for buying that rug now. Although, realistically, $100 would not have made a bit of difference in this scenario.
As a sidenote, I have been having some difficulty picturing myself raising a child at this house. It's older, kind of drafty, I don't like the bathroom, and the two bedrooms are separated by the bathroom so not super close to hear a kid. I think the child would be in my bedroom for at least the first few months to a year, but then the kids room almost seems extraneous. It seems like we would be hanging out in the front room where the TV is and there's room to play and lots of light. I am really excited about decorating a space for a child, but the room that's here just doesn't seem like a great fit or location in the house. Maybe it would be different once I got curtains up, the rug laid out, decorations up etc. The over an hour commute each way to work is also not child friendly.
Please send good thoughts that this situation unfolds in the best manner for all involved.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel on April 10, when I receive my first full paycheck from the new job. I'm talking with a potential new roommate this afternoon… I said in the ad it would just be for a few months. I also hope to get legal advice on Monday. I reached out to my landlord to talk, once to explain the bank situation and once to ask to sit down with him and see if we might find something that works, but he's not responded. I am getting a small paycheck from the new job on March 10 and my nonprofit payment the 15th. I'm looking at other options to pay two months rent… If I do get a new roommate and she gives one month deposit that would go a long way.
Considering all possibilities, if I do have to move, I found out the majority of my homestudy paper work would still be valid, she would just need to do a walk-through at the new place and ensure child safety measures in place. My new home also needs to be within one hour of their office, and the three places I'm considering – Petaluma, Larkspur, and San Rafael - are all within 50 miles. I really don't want an eviction on my record, however, and if I'm focused on paying my landlord with that first check, I won't have enough for a full deposit.
There are just some significant unknowns at this point… I'll check in again after my conversation with the potential tenant this afternoon and after I talk to the legal counsel on Monday. I feel foolish for buying that rug now. Although, realistically, $100 would not have made a bit of difference in this scenario.
As a sidenote, I have been having some difficulty picturing myself raising a child at this house. It's older, kind of drafty, I don't like the bathroom, and the two bedrooms are separated by the bathroom so not super close to hear a kid. I think the child would be in my bedroom for at least the first few months to a year, but then the kids room almost seems extraneous. It seems like we would be hanging out in the front room where the TV is and there's room to play and lots of light. I am really excited about decorating a space for a child, but the room that's here just doesn't seem like a great fit or location in the house. Maybe it would be different once I got curtains up, the rug laid out, decorations up etc. The over an hour commute each way to work is also not child friendly.
Please send good thoughts that this situation unfolds in the best manner for all involved.
11/20/2016
Hoping, Hoping, Hoping
I'm borrowing last year's prompt for today: "What do you hope happens by the end of this year?"
First of all, I can't believe it's almost the end of November! I think you know you're getting older when time starts going faster. On the other hand, I think time generally goes faster heading into fall because there seem to be a lot of events, and people are trying to cram goals and activities in before the holidays arrive, especially Christmas season, which pretty much starts in a couple of weeks. Ach! If I want to make some of my gifts, I better get on it! But I digress...
By the end of this year, I hope to have my home in good shape to accept an adoption placement, and I hope to have my online profile created, which is a collaborative effort between me and whoever my social worker may be. I don't know if this is realistic, but that's what I hope. I cleaned my bedroom closet today, got rid of a couple of boxes, and did several loads of laundry, which seemed like a step in the right direction.
I would have thought I might have heard from the agency and have scheduled the social worker interview by now. I sent an email inquiry week before last and received this response:
Basically, "Be patient and quite bothering us!"
The other change I hope happens by the end of the year, is to have joined or be close to joining a business referral networking group, likely a BNI chapter, be receiving the higher amount per check from the non-profit for additional hours, and possibly have applied for a secured loan - all amounting to an increase in financial stability. I know I will start my new schedule the week of December 1st and have reached out to local BNI groups expressing interest and visited one last week. I'm not sure if I should apply for the secured loan now or in a month or two when I have increased monthly income.
The wild card is possibly landing a higher paying part-time job, which has it's pros and cons but would definitely help financially. I have applied and continue to apply for these, though it grows wearisome.
So those are my hopes for the next six weeks. May the wind be at my back, and at yours!
First of all, I can't believe it's almost the end of November! I think you know you're getting older when time starts going faster. On the other hand, I think time generally goes faster heading into fall because there seem to be a lot of events, and people are trying to cram goals and activities in before the holidays arrive, especially Christmas season, which pretty much starts in a couple of weeks. Ach! If I want to make some of my gifts, I better get on it! But I digress...
By the end of this year, I hope to have my home in good shape to accept an adoption placement, and I hope to have my online profile created, which is a collaborative effort between me and whoever my social worker may be. I don't know if this is realistic, but that's what I hope. I cleaned my bedroom closet today, got rid of a couple of boxes, and did several loads of laundry, which seemed like a step in the right direction.
I would have thought I might have heard from the agency and have scheduled the social worker interview by now. I sent an email inquiry week before last and received this response:
"Thank
you for the check in. At this point your file is being reviewed by the
program supervisor, who will assign you to a social worker. I do not
have a timeline on when you will be assigned to a social worker and
start the interviews. We will update you once you have a social worker
assigned! In the meantime, please keep working on any remaining
paperwork and/or start preparing your house for the walk through."
Basically, "Be patient and quite bothering us!"
The other change I hope happens by the end of the year, is to have joined or be close to joining a business referral networking group, likely a BNI chapter, be receiving the higher amount per check from the non-profit for additional hours, and possibly have applied for a secured loan - all amounting to an increase in financial stability. I know I will start my new schedule the week of December 1st and have reached out to local BNI groups expressing interest and visited one last week. I'm not sure if I should apply for the secured loan now or in a month or two when I have increased monthly income.
The wild card is possibly landing a higher paying part-time job, which has it's pros and cons but would definitely help financially. I have applied and continue to apply for these, though it grows wearisome.
So those are my hopes for the next six weeks. May the wind be at my back, and at yours!
11/17/2016
Thanksgiving and Money
I don't have plans for Thanksgiving. This makes me feel really Lame, with a capital L. I do have some plans for the holiday weekend. My friend and former housemate, K, will be in the East Bay (he lives in Sacramento) with his wife and new baby, and we plan to get together Friday afternoon. I may connect with another single friend, and my housemate may be around. We'll see. Us single ladies can have an awkward time around these holidays, as I've lamented before. It's like you have a feeling about what you "should" be doing but there's no one to do it with; basically, no family to do it for. Especially us single lady introverts who don't have armies of friends jockeying to have us over. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. If I really felt strongly, I would have made more of an effort to find a place to go or created an "orphans gathering" myself, but I didn't feel like doing that kind of marketing and outreach. I'm doing plenty of marketing and outreach right now for my business!
This Saturday, S invited me to go to dinner and a choral performance to watch one of his co-workers sing in his choral group. We went together last year and had a good time. We had an interesting conversation a couple of days ago, continuing to discuss whether we can be "just friends" and what that would look like, considering he's dating another one of his exes already. I mentioned before that I feel okay about that, mainly because I'm so very clear about us not being right for each other in the long term. But I don't want to be sketchy and enable his less than forthright activities, i.e. seeing who he wants to see, knowing she wouldn't like it but not telling her. I asked him if he felt okay doing this in the context of his relationship, and he said yes. He piqued my interest by saying he wanted to "explain one probably puzzling aspect of our time together." No idea to what he is referring, but I'm curious. This may be the last time we see each other, at least for a while, but I admit to looking forward to it for the fun and conversation.
I want to end by sharing a crazy thing that happened to me today, something that felt like God or fate smiling down on me in a most unexpected and abundant way. So, I'm not proud to admit I overdrew my account and then had some mistakes cause an accumulation of several fees. These included two Am@zon charges for services I didn't order, S forgetting to switch a credit card at the gym, and then a couple auto payments coming through with bad timing. In any case, I called to plead my case about the mistakes a couple of days ago and was treated rudely. It drives me crazy when customer service folks don't treat you like a human being and genuinely listen, but instead robotically recite policies at you, repeating them as if you were a child. In any case, I got really frustrated and posted a negative comment on the bank's FB page. Well, within minutes, I got a comment and a voicemail from someone at the bank asking to talk with me about my concerns. Today, we talked and I felt like I was strolling down the yellow brick road. It was surreal. She was super understanding, listened and empathized, and, in the end reversed ALL the fees I had received, including several from earlier in the year. It was like getting a new client, but I didn't have to do any work. Feeling lots of amazement and gratitude for that one.
11/07/2016
I will settle in right here, thanks
I'm continuing to find myself in that place where I'm enjoying my work overall, both at the non-profit and in my business, but the finances are not measuring up. I am usually very resilient after applying for jobs and not getting them, especially when I land an interview, which is a positive affirmation. But I guess I've had just one too many of these experiences in the last two or three months, and I'm feeling vulnerable and reticent to continue applying for these kinds of positions (college counseling). I'd like to just rest for a bit, settle in, and work hard at the two jobs I do have - in my business, especially. Alas, my monthly expenses are currently exceeding my income by an unsustainable level.
I was thinking about what might make this situation work. If I were able to raise my average monthly business income by $500, which would involve maintaining a client load of 12 and bringing on 2-3 new clients each month, this would go a long way. I think my current outreach through meetup and periodic workshops, plus joining a local networking/referral group again (that is already off the ground, this time!) would support this model. I did learn the hard way, as I shared on this blog, that finding clients with whom I work well and am aligned in terms of style and values is crucial. The last thing I want to spend energy on is arguing about business policies or protecting myself from verbal berating.
Also, I think a key aspect of a sustainable business plan is extending the shortest time I will work with people (two months is never enough time, unless the person just wants support applying for jobs, and that's not really my target niche) and, in the new year, prioritizing creating videos and other content offerings of value to add another income stream and/or increase the value of my counseling packages.
Sorry for this dry post, but it's really helpful to write these thoughts out. I'd appreciate any feedback from business-savvy folks or if anyone has ideas. Feel free to take a look at my website... Oh, and happy voting tomorrow, those in the U.S.! Praying hard over here (and studying my voter guide and online resources - though I'm well decided on my Hillary vote).
I was thinking about what might make this situation work. If I were able to raise my average monthly business income by $500, which would involve maintaining a client load of 12 and bringing on 2-3 new clients each month, this would go a long way. I think my current outreach through meetup and periodic workshops, plus joining a local networking/referral group again (that is already off the ground, this time!) would support this model. I did learn the hard way, as I shared on this blog, that finding clients with whom I work well and am aligned in terms of style and values is crucial. The last thing I want to spend energy on is arguing about business policies or protecting myself from verbal berating.
Also, I think a key aspect of a sustainable business plan is extending the shortest time I will work with people (two months is never enough time, unless the person just wants support applying for jobs, and that's not really my target niche) and, in the new year, prioritizing creating videos and other content offerings of value to add another income stream and/or increase the value of my counseling packages.
Sorry for this dry post, but it's really helpful to write these thoughts out. I'd appreciate any feedback from business-savvy folks or if anyone has ideas. Feel free to take a look at my website... Oh, and happy voting tomorrow, those in the U.S.! Praying hard over here (and studying my voter guide and online resources - though I'm well decided on my Hillary vote).
10/08/2016
Clear Sign!
I asked, and I received! Two new clients said "yes" to working with me yesterday. My part-time job did not officially give me more weekly hours, but they added a project to my job description and said they would pay for the hours I spend on this project, so that will be a little additional revenue, as well.
Considering these developments, I feel I am receiving affirmation to move forward right now on the adoption front. Yay! I filled out the initial paperwork and just need to have my housemate witness a signature, then I can send it all in, along with a check for a Livesc@n background check. Then I get the background check and schedule the more in-depth caseworker interview.
Part of the paperwork was indicating what I was open to in terms of a placement. I've already talked about the age situation, so I checked "under 3." There were two areas that I feel a little uncertain about, however... I wonder if I should be more open about ethnicity and also special needs.
Regarding ethnicity, it's interesting how unexpected thoughts and feelings come up. As I was filling out the form, I thought for the first time about sharing *some* heritage with my child. Since we are not sharing biology - added to the fact that I am really into ancestry and have spent time researching, reflecting, and envisioning trips based on my ancestry - I had a thought that it would be really wonderful to share some ancestry. I am a total *mutt* with Welsh, English, German, Dutch, Swedish, Irish, and French ancestry, so that wouldn't be too hard, but would include some European heritage. So I checked Caucasion and "Other" meaning mixed race, but I wonder if that's too limiting. I have also thought about the child and their feelings in terms of seeing themselves reflected in our family. I think I would work hard to make sure they have knowledge of and a connection with their heritage, but is that enough?
Regarding special needs, as a single mom and knowing myself, I don't think I am able to handle a serious disability. Considering my mental health background, I think I have tools and knowledge to love and support a kid who (sadly) has some abuse and neglect in their history.
The one I feel a little uncertain about is alcohol and drugs. I know many of the kids (most?) in the foster care system have parents who abused or were addicted to alcohol or drugs. My fear is that they might have the pain and challenges in their life that my cousin, who was adopted, has had. His mother drank throughout her pregnancies, and he has suffered the consequences. His lack of ability to regulate behavior and see the effects of his actions has led him to have three kids with three different mothers, struggle with addiction himself, and end up incarcerated. So you can see why I might be a bit fearful.
I think that the caseworkers will help me explore these concerns and come to a decision I feel good about. At least I hope so. Today, I am feeling excitement and momentum on this path, and I am grateful!
Lastly, as much for my own clarity as my desire to share it with you (i.e. feel free to skip :), I want to lay out what unknowns are still out there that may have an impact on my journey to become a mom:
Considering these developments, I feel I am receiving affirmation to move forward right now on the adoption front. Yay! I filled out the initial paperwork and just need to have my housemate witness a signature, then I can send it all in, along with a check for a Livesc@n background check. Then I get the background check and schedule the more in-depth caseworker interview.
Part of the paperwork was indicating what I was open to in terms of a placement. I've already talked about the age situation, so I checked "under 3." There were two areas that I feel a little uncertain about, however... I wonder if I should be more open about ethnicity and also special needs.
Regarding ethnicity, it's interesting how unexpected thoughts and feelings come up. As I was filling out the form, I thought for the first time about sharing *some* heritage with my child. Since we are not sharing biology - added to the fact that I am really into ancestry and have spent time researching, reflecting, and envisioning trips based on my ancestry - I had a thought that it would be really wonderful to share some ancestry. I am a total *mutt* with Welsh, English, German, Dutch, Swedish, Irish, and French ancestry, so that wouldn't be too hard, but would include some European heritage. So I checked Caucasion and "Other" meaning mixed race, but I wonder if that's too limiting. I have also thought about the child and their feelings in terms of seeing themselves reflected in our family. I think I would work hard to make sure they have knowledge of and a connection with their heritage, but is that enough?
Regarding special needs, as a single mom and knowing myself, I don't think I am able to handle a serious disability. Considering my mental health background, I think I have tools and knowledge to love and support a kid who (sadly) has some abuse and neglect in their history.
The one I feel a little uncertain about is alcohol and drugs. I know many of the kids (most?) in the foster care system have parents who abused or were addicted to alcohol or drugs. My fear is that they might have the pain and challenges in their life that my cousin, who was adopted, has had. His mother drank throughout her pregnancies, and he has suffered the consequences. His lack of ability to regulate behavior and see the effects of his actions has led him to have three kids with three different mothers, struggle with addiction himself, and end up incarcerated. So you can see why I might be a bit fearful.
I think that the caseworkers will help me explore these concerns and come to a decision I feel good about. At least I hope so. Today, I am feeling excitement and momentum on this path, and I am grateful!
Lastly, as much for my own clarity as my desire to share it with you (i.e. feel free to skip :), I want to lay out what unknowns are still out there that may have an impact on my journey to become a mom:
- Job applications still out there, with recently passed application deadlines. These include Napa Vall. College and Diablo Vall. College, the latter being my top choice due to a 10 minute commute. Please send good thoughts that I will get an interview and be hired, even if the job doesn't start until the end of the year. I'm secretly hoping that one of these - though advertised as full-time - might somehow convert to part-time. But I'm torn because the security would also be good and college jobs usually only require 32-35 hours per week, which I could fit into four days. Oh, I did hear back a "No" from Oregon, which was not a surprise. Most. awkward. interview. ever.
- Small Windfall. I haven't mentioned this but based on my time working in Seattle many years ago, I signed on to a lawsuit that was already won, based on employers not providing benefits they should have. The letter said I would receive *at least* close to 2K, which would help financially as these pieces fall into place. The deadline to submit a claim is just passing, so I hope to hear something soon.
- Getting a better-paying job would be the green light to move forward on CA Conceptions, which is still my first choice, though I'm feeling excited about adoption. I could apply for credit right now, but after my conversation with my bank, I'm not at all confident I would get even close to what I need. Salary plays a huge role, and my consistent self-employment salary has not been documented long enough to show on a tax form, which is what the bank uses for self-employment.
8/25/2016
Impatiently Waiting
Argh, this week is going sooo slowly. I am still waiting to hear back on both interviews, OSU and the Memorial Trust. My outreach calls did not lead to new clients as of yet, and my next Meetup group (which usually results in booking several consultations) is September 6th.
I have two client appointments later this afternoon, so that will be engaging and help the time go by. I "should" apply for an open counseling job in Napa, but it feels like the location is a long way away. I just looked up drive time, and it is only 32 minutes; 7 minutes more than when I worked at my other college. Okay, that is really not so bad, I will apply for this position by the weekend. I believe the Napa position starts shortly after hire - the application deadline is September 20th - but the DVC (college close to me) posting says it starts Spring semester 2017, which is definitely not ideal.
Part of my impatience is wanting to move forward with CA Conceptions. I mentioned the CC FB page, which is so encouraging, but it is also lighting a fire under me hearing all the pregnancy announcements and wanting to be one of them. I am trying to trust God, trust "right timing," but it is hard right now, as I am ready to be taking the next steps. Thinking of having a transfer before my December birthday, though, is still super exciting.
The other source of my impatience is definitely finances. I am scraping by on this much lower non-profit income. I still love the staff and feel good going in to work and helping brain-injured folks connect with programs and resources, but getting my paychecks is super disheartening. Please send good thoughts for me signing new clients who would benefit from my career transition support.
Tick. tock. tick. tock. Argh!
I have two client appointments later this afternoon, so that will be engaging and help the time go by. I "should" apply for an open counseling job in Napa, but it feels like the location is a long way away. I just looked up drive time, and it is only 32 minutes; 7 minutes more than when I worked at my other college. Okay, that is really not so bad, I will apply for this position by the weekend. I believe the Napa position starts shortly after hire - the application deadline is September 20th - but the DVC (college close to me) posting says it starts Spring semester 2017, which is definitely not ideal.
Part of my impatience is wanting to move forward with CA Conceptions. I mentioned the CC FB page, which is so encouraging, but it is also lighting a fire under me hearing all the pregnancy announcements and wanting to be one of them. I am trying to trust God, trust "right timing," but it is hard right now, as I am ready to be taking the next steps. Thinking of having a transfer before my December birthday, though, is still super exciting.
The other source of my impatience is definitely finances. I am scraping by on this much lower non-profit income. I still love the staff and feel good going in to work and helping brain-injured folks connect with programs and resources, but getting my paychecks is super disheartening. Please send good thoughts for me signing new clients who would benefit from my career transition support.
Tick. tock. tick. tock. Argh!
12/07/2015
Finances, Fellowship, and Festivity
First of all, I'm happy to report that I am getting some traction with my business! I had my first month of bringing in over $1000 (around $1500) and sold my first 6-session career counseling package. I admit I did the happy dance on that one. If you're willing, please send positive thoughts to keep the flow going.
Then yesterday, S offered to contribute his marketing expertise to help me generate more leads through social media, blog posts, and newsletters. He wants to create a business providing these services to clients, so I am his guinea pig. It's a definite win-win!
In other financial news - hope this isn't too boring - I spoke with my financial advisor friend yesterday, and she is setting me up to manage my money on Quicken, which also has reporting features to help with planning and decision making around how many clients I need to maintain and bring in per month for relative financial stability. This is all new and I'm so grateful for the support.
I still plan to apply to any open part-time counseling positions I find, as well. In fact, I have a lead for the college in Napa where my friend and former colleague works, which I will apply for today.
On the relationship front, S and I did some shopping over the weekend, and he bought me an early birthday present of a fancy, sequined dress and matching sparkly shoes for two upcoming parties: his work Christmas party next week and the NYE party at my family's athletic club in Oregon. We also bought him a very nice lavender dress shirt to wear. I'm excited to attend his work party, as work is an area he has compartmentalized during all of our previous time together. I have never met his co-workers or attended any work functions and am looking forward to seeing that side of him.
We also had a counseling appointment over a week ago, shortly after Thanksgiving. It went okay, though we didn't yet create agreements for how we will handle communication when one or both of us are triggered and tension starts to escalate. I made sure to request that be forefront on the agenda for our next meeting. We did, however, have a vulnerable exchange in which I said I didn't want our relationship to be threatened by these type of conflicts. I want our commitment to be stronger than that, and a bit later (I felt very vulnerable in the meanwhile!), he said he wanted that, too.
Then, last night, after a little bickering where I felt criticized and unwanted, he reassured me that he wants me, that despite things he might prefer were different, he loves me and specifically wants "me." I'm not sure if this is coming across very clearly, but it was a significant moment. He has hesitated in reassuring me during these moments in the past.
Oh, and we bought and decorated a little Christmas tree last Thursday. It's so cute and festive and is bringing good cheer during this darker, colder month of December. S is coming over tonight, so we will have the chance to enjoy it more together. :)
Then yesterday, S offered to contribute his marketing expertise to help me generate more leads through social media, blog posts, and newsletters. He wants to create a business providing these services to clients, so I am his guinea pig. It's a definite win-win!
In other financial news - hope this isn't too boring - I spoke with my financial advisor friend yesterday, and she is setting me up to manage my money on Quicken, which also has reporting features to help with planning and decision making around how many clients I need to maintain and bring in per month for relative financial stability. This is all new and I'm so grateful for the support.
I still plan to apply to any open part-time counseling positions I find, as well. In fact, I have a lead for the college in Napa where my friend and former colleague works, which I will apply for today.
On the relationship front, S and I did some shopping over the weekend, and he bought me an early birthday present of a fancy, sequined dress and matching sparkly shoes for two upcoming parties: his work Christmas party next week and the NYE party at my family's athletic club in Oregon. We also bought him a very nice lavender dress shirt to wear. I'm excited to attend his work party, as work is an area he has compartmentalized during all of our previous time together. I have never met his co-workers or attended any work functions and am looking forward to seeing that side of him.
We also had a counseling appointment over a week ago, shortly after Thanksgiving. It went okay, though we didn't yet create agreements for how we will handle communication when one or both of us are triggered and tension starts to escalate. I made sure to request that be forefront on the agenda for our next meeting. We did, however, have a vulnerable exchange in which I said I didn't want our relationship to be threatened by these type of conflicts. I want our commitment to be stronger than that, and a bit later (I felt very vulnerable in the meanwhile!), he said he wanted that, too.
Then, last night, after a little bickering where I felt criticized and unwanted, he reassured me that he wants me, that despite things he might prefer were different, he loves me and specifically wants "me." I'm not sure if this is coming across very clearly, but it was a significant moment. He has hesitated in reassuring me during these moments in the past.
Oh, and we bought and decorated a little Christmas tree last Thursday. It's so cute and festive and is bringing good cheer during this darker, colder month of December. S is coming over tonight, so we will have the chance to enjoy it more together. :)
5/11/2015
Good Stuff, Bad Stuff
I'll start with the good... I had another fun date with C last night. I actually was a little wound up and frustrated with him for not communicating with me the day before. Which really wasn't fair because we had communication, mainly texting, every day this week except for that day, and he apologized the next morning saying he had started a message to me but got distracted by friends dropping by.
Part of my reaction was because I had messaged him and tried calling so I felt vulnerable, and also, because we had been communicating every day, I expected a response. Plus, when we went out a couple times a few months ago, he had just dropped off the radar sometimes and I think not hearing from him triggered that memory. So yeah, I was kind of irritable on the phone. But when we got together before our dancing date, it was nice to see him, and we worked out our tension pretty quickly. He is so. fun. to. dance. with. He's playful and has good natural ability and cute and expressive moves, he goes along with what I initiate, and we just have a really fun time.
After we got all hot and sweaty dancing, we headed out to get a drink at this interesting place he knew about not far away. I guess it started as an art gallery and had all these funky costume type pieces and sculptures, animal heads on the wall (fake I hoped!) and somewhat odd paintings. They are known for the fresh fruit and juices they put in their drinks so we had Greyhounds with delicious grapefruit juice and big slices of grapefruit on the side. We had a lot of good conversation about everything, including what's going on in our lives now, as well as our pasts.
Also, we somehow ended up talking about fertility and how there is a slight chance I could become pregnant with IVF but there are other options like donor egg. He actually tried to help a lesbian friend become pregnant but it didn't work, so he's pretty open-minded. I'm definitely continuing my adoption path, which I've shared about with him, but it strange how natural it felt to just chat for a while about all that stuff last night. I also told him about my 12-step stuff in Seattle related to relationships, and we talked about what makes a good relationship and how to keep it healthy, including using ideas from Gottman, a famous relationship expert. After all that, he drove me back to my car and dropped me off before first making out with me again. ha Pretty full night!
Okay, on to the bad news... well, I guess it's good and bad. Good because I discovered it and it may be able to be repaired. Bad because it happened in the first place and has dramatically affected my credit report. Basically, several accounts were fraudulently opened in my name, including a C@pital One card, a department store card, a cell phone account, and another credit card. Then these accounts were basically defaulted on. So, of course this freaked me out this morning!
I have another appointment with the credit counseling agency next Thursday, and she will advise me how to best file disputes with the credit reporting companies. Then, they have to respond within 10 days and I'm not sure where things go from there. If any of you have had this happen or know friends who have, I would love to hear your story. This issue is a big one for me right now, as I will be trying to rent a home in the near future and landlords usually run credit reports. So, hopefully I can make progress on resolving this asap!
That's it for now... just continuing to take it a day at a time!
Part of my reaction was because I had messaged him and tried calling so I felt vulnerable, and also, because we had been communicating every day, I expected a response. Plus, when we went out a couple times a few months ago, he had just dropped off the radar sometimes and I think not hearing from him triggered that memory. So yeah, I was kind of irritable on the phone. But when we got together before our dancing date, it was nice to see him, and we worked out our tension pretty quickly. He is so. fun. to. dance. with. He's playful and has good natural ability and cute and expressive moves, he goes along with what I initiate, and we just have a really fun time.
After we got all hot and sweaty dancing, we headed out to get a drink at this interesting place he knew about not far away. I guess it started as an art gallery and had all these funky costume type pieces and sculptures, animal heads on the wall (fake I hoped!) and somewhat odd paintings. They are known for the fresh fruit and juices they put in their drinks so we had Greyhounds with delicious grapefruit juice and big slices of grapefruit on the side. We had a lot of good conversation about everything, including what's going on in our lives now, as well as our pasts.
Also, we somehow ended up talking about fertility and how there is a slight chance I could become pregnant with IVF but there are other options like donor egg. He actually tried to help a lesbian friend become pregnant but it didn't work, so he's pretty open-minded. I'm definitely continuing my adoption path, which I've shared about with him, but it strange how natural it felt to just chat for a while about all that stuff last night. I also told him about my 12-step stuff in Seattle related to relationships, and we talked about what makes a good relationship and how to keep it healthy, including using ideas from Gottman, a famous relationship expert. After all that, he drove me back to my car and dropped me off before first making out with me again. ha Pretty full night!
Okay, on to the bad news... well, I guess it's good and bad. Good because I discovered it and it may be able to be repaired. Bad because it happened in the first place and has dramatically affected my credit report. Basically, several accounts were fraudulently opened in my name, including a C@pital One card, a department store card, a cell phone account, and another credit card. Then these accounts were basically defaulted on. So, of course this freaked me out this morning!
I have another appointment with the credit counseling agency next Thursday, and she will advise me how to best file disputes with the credit reporting companies. Then, they have to respond within 10 days and I'm not sure where things go from there. If any of you have had this happen or know friends who have, I would love to hear your story. This issue is a big one for me right now, as I will be trying to rent a home in the near future and landlords usually run credit reports. So, hopefully I can make progress on resolving this asap!
That's it for now... just continuing to take it a day at a time!
5/10/2014
Mega-Stressful Week
Happy May, Everyone!
I just got through a mega-stressful week with my counseling interview Wednesday. I was so stressed and nervous and had to acknowledge it in the interview when my hand was shaking when I took a drink of water. The content included normal interview-type questions, plus a role play, plus a 10-minute teaching demonstration. I practiced the teaching demonstration a lot - it was on one of my favorite subjects, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator personality assessment - and think that I did quite well on that part. I felt I rocked the questions, too... but the role play? Not so much. I just plain didn't understand the setup and that I was supposed to look up information and make a sample Education Plan ahead of time. So, in the interview, I was deprived of a catalog and obviously didn't have access to a computer to look up information, which is completely unnatural and not a fair representation of my abilities. I'm kicking myself because I know NOW what I should have done and wish I could go back. Oh well. I did as well as I could without knowing the specific class information.
I think regardless of what happens, it was a good idea that I applied and interviewed because: 1. They know I care about the job and have ambition; and 2. I got some good practice should I choose to apply again. Also, through working with the counselors this semester in students services (as CTE counselors, we worked in a separate building across campus from student services), the interview process, and then today working as a team on the annual Super Saturday registration event on our campus, I feel a sense of belonging and like I am getting to know people better and feel more comfortable around them. That makes work more fun!
The week was also stressful because it was the last week of normal class for the course I'm teaching, and I crammed almost 30 student presentations into two days. It was intense, but also kinda fun. Oh, and I was skating on financial fumes because so many bills came through last month. Thank God, it was the last EOL payment!
In positive financial news, I think I mentioned I'm going to get quite a few hours this summer, and I'll also be teaching three Counseling orientation classes, which are either taught over two shorter days or one long day. It will be nice to make more money, aided by the fact I do not have to pay my almost $400/mo healthcare payment over the summer months, as it's divided over the rest of the year when they know people are working. Many people don't work in the summer and the campus will be more quiet. I'm looking forward to the more mellow atmosphere. I'm nervous to teach the orientations, which I've not taught before, but I sat in on another colleagues class which helped. And it's only one or two days - 6 hours - so how bad could it be? I have a PowerPoint I can fall back on if need be and I can do some fun interactive activities, as well. Okay, thanks for listening as I talked myself into it! :-)
After my class is over, at the end of this month over Memorial Day weekend, I'm going to drive up to Oregon again with Zoey. As usual, I can't wait to see my nieces and nephew, who I can tell from pictures have grown a LOT. My littlest niece has reddish/strawberry blonde hair and is such a little cutie. And my older niece and nephew are playing sports and looked darling participating in a recent Easter egg hunt. My mom is soldiering through her chemo appointments. Twice now she's had to go in the hospital when her temperature spiked. I guess on chemo it's easy to get sick and much more dangerous if you do. She was in for at least a week this last time but is now home. She and my dad actually went to stay at a special hotel and go wine tasting for their 40th anniversary this weekend.
I kind of miss my EOL program, but my local "pod" got together this last Monday at one of the women's house and caught up with each other, made some art/creative scenes (like visualizing what you want), and ate dinner. It was nice. There are more events on the horizon, including a reunion get-together on June 7th up in Sonoma and a book group that starting up.
I'm still working with my last-assigned "buddy," K, exchanging mini-coaching sessions every two weeks. So that helps keep my feet in the water. I'm trying to motivate to eat and drink more consciously and up the health factor another degree. I would like to drink kombucha instead of Diet Coke, but I will say that it's a hell of a lot more expensive! He's also supporting me in envisioning the relationship I want to have with my Dad, as well as with my birth Mom. Even though she passed away when I was young, I love the idea of creating space to connect with her and feel gratitude for all she gave me and the special relationship we shared - I think it would be really valuable for me to be able to tap into that on a regular basis. He is a very sweet and loving guy, and I think I am supporting him, as well, through helping him with a work transition, his relationship with his pregnant fiance, and sharing coaching/career counseling tools.
I have a f#*kload of student papers to grade before Tuesday. Wish me luck! I do have a nice brunch scheduled for tomorrow with a friend. Hope you all are having a fun weekend.
I just got through a mega-stressful week with my counseling interview Wednesday. I was so stressed and nervous and had to acknowledge it in the interview when my hand was shaking when I took a drink of water. The content included normal interview-type questions, plus a role play, plus a 10-minute teaching demonstration. I practiced the teaching demonstration a lot - it was on one of my favorite subjects, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator personality assessment - and think that I did quite well on that part. I felt I rocked the questions, too... but the role play? Not so much. I just plain didn't understand the setup and that I was supposed to look up information and make a sample Education Plan ahead of time. So, in the interview, I was deprived of a catalog and obviously didn't have access to a computer to look up information, which is completely unnatural and not a fair representation of my abilities. I'm kicking myself because I know NOW what I should have done and wish I could go back. Oh well. I did as well as I could without knowing the specific class information.
I think regardless of what happens, it was a good idea that I applied and interviewed because: 1. They know I care about the job and have ambition; and 2. I got some good practice should I choose to apply again. Also, through working with the counselors this semester in students services (as CTE counselors, we worked in a separate building across campus from student services), the interview process, and then today working as a team on the annual Super Saturday registration event on our campus, I feel a sense of belonging and like I am getting to know people better and feel more comfortable around them. That makes work more fun!
The week was also stressful because it was the last week of normal class for the course I'm teaching, and I crammed almost 30 student presentations into two days. It was intense, but also kinda fun. Oh, and I was skating on financial fumes because so many bills came through last month. Thank God, it was the last EOL payment!
In positive financial news, I think I mentioned I'm going to get quite a few hours this summer, and I'll also be teaching three Counseling orientation classes, which are either taught over two shorter days or one long day. It will be nice to make more money, aided by the fact I do not have to pay my almost $400/mo healthcare payment over the summer months, as it's divided over the rest of the year when they know people are working. Many people don't work in the summer and the campus will be more quiet. I'm looking forward to the more mellow atmosphere. I'm nervous to teach the orientations, which I've not taught before, but I sat in on another colleagues class which helped. And it's only one or two days - 6 hours - so how bad could it be? I have a PowerPoint I can fall back on if need be and I can do some fun interactive activities, as well. Okay, thanks for listening as I talked myself into it! :-)
After my class is over, at the end of this month over Memorial Day weekend, I'm going to drive up to Oregon again with Zoey. As usual, I can't wait to see my nieces and nephew, who I can tell from pictures have grown a LOT. My littlest niece has reddish/strawberry blonde hair and is such a little cutie. And my older niece and nephew are playing sports and looked darling participating in a recent Easter egg hunt. My mom is soldiering through her chemo appointments. Twice now she's had to go in the hospital when her temperature spiked. I guess on chemo it's easy to get sick and much more dangerous if you do. She was in for at least a week this last time but is now home. She and my dad actually went to stay at a special hotel and go wine tasting for their 40th anniversary this weekend.
I kind of miss my EOL program, but my local "pod" got together this last Monday at one of the women's house and caught up with each other, made some art/creative scenes (like visualizing what you want), and ate dinner. It was nice. There are more events on the horizon, including a reunion get-together on June 7th up in Sonoma and a book group that starting up.
I'm still working with my last-assigned "buddy," K, exchanging mini-coaching sessions every two weeks. So that helps keep my feet in the water. I'm trying to motivate to eat and drink more consciously and up the health factor another degree. I would like to drink kombucha instead of Diet Coke, but I will say that it's a hell of a lot more expensive! He's also supporting me in envisioning the relationship I want to have with my Dad, as well as with my birth Mom. Even though she passed away when I was young, I love the idea of creating space to connect with her and feel gratitude for all she gave me and the special relationship we shared - I think it would be really valuable for me to be able to tap into that on a regular basis. He is a very sweet and loving guy, and I think I am supporting him, as well, through helping him with a work transition, his relationship with his pregnant fiance, and sharing coaching/career counseling tools.
I have a f#*kload of student papers to grade before Tuesday. Wish me luck! I do have a nice brunch scheduled for tomorrow with a friend. Hope you all are having a fun weekend.
10/11/2012
Crisis of Meaning
Sorry for not posting or commenting very regularly right now... I think it's a combination of my life shifting to a much faster track with a puppy on board (pictures and video to follow below), as well as taking a step back to sit with - and I'm aware of how dramatic this sounds - a "crisis of meaning."
Since at this point, it's looking like I may never become a biological mother, what will take it's place with regard to my life's purpose and direction?
Off and on for the last several years, I have focused on trying to conceive in various ways: known donor, co-par.enting, IUIs, natural way within a relationship, and medicated IUIs. And when I wasn't trying to conceive, in the back of my mind, I knew I would return to trying at some point. I don't have that confidence now.
I don't know why out of six IUI attempts, non-medicated and medicated, and at least 8 months of trying naturally, I haven't become pregnant. Other than, for whatever reason, I just can't. Either my eggs are too old (most likely I guess), or my uterus is unfriendly for some reason as yet undetected.
Yes, if I had $15,000 right now, I would try IVF. But that is currently out of my affordability range. I may still try to get a loan, but I think that would likely allow a couple more medicated IUIs versus IVF. Maybe, just maybe, international IVF.
I wish someone could tell me with certainty whether I have enough good eggs in there to warrant trying more in this way. In any case, I'm not feeling super motivated to try and make that happen right now.
I'm tired. I'm tired of getting my hopes up every try, just to get no results at all. I'm tired of trying to scrape together the financing piece and living with the stress of not having as much money or financial cushion as I need.
And. There's one other new consideration. Some of you may laugh, but having a puppy has given me a taste of single motherhood. And it IS hard. At least for me.
I read some SMC blogs, and these women are rocking single motherhood and don't seem to be all that stressed. I am definitely getting in more of a groove with Zoey, but damn, she requires a LOT of care and constant supervision, not to mention always thinking of her with every plan I make.
She needs to be let out for bathroom breaks and exercise and food. I can't just go out for a few hours in the evening or drive off to work for the day. Care has got to be arranged, or I need to schedule myself accordingly. She needs vet care and baths. I am even obsessed with the health of her poop! lol
I'm not complaining. I think getting Zoey was the perfect decision for me right now, and I get so much joy and love from playing and cuddling with her. We're having fun learning new tricks, like sit, down, leave it, settle, etc. And she is giving my life purpose and direction, that's for sure (though not equal to the meaning of motherhood of course).
But it makes me imagine taking that care to the next level for a baby and doing it all alone. It's a little overwhelming to think about. I do think it's "training" me in a way, and I would be better prepared going into caring for a baby. But boy does it sound more manageable with a partner or substantial help.
So, there's that. I don't have a settled clarity yet, but it's all rambling around in my psyche and spirit right now. We'll see where the pieces land...
With that, I leave you with some pics and a video of my little girl, Zoey (the video I took on my iPhone is not uploading - any advice?):
Zoey had a sun toy from the vets that she thrashed around, chased and chewed. The sun has now "passed on" in torn-up glory, and she has an orange bear made of similar material. We'll see how long Mr. Bear lasts... this could get expensive.
Since at this point, it's looking like I may never become a biological mother, what will take it's place with regard to my life's purpose and direction?
Off and on for the last several years, I have focused on trying to conceive in various ways: known donor, co-par.enting, IUIs, natural way within a relationship, and medicated IUIs. And when I wasn't trying to conceive, in the back of my mind, I knew I would return to trying at some point. I don't have that confidence now.
I don't know why out of six IUI attempts, non-medicated and medicated, and at least 8 months of trying naturally, I haven't become pregnant. Other than, for whatever reason, I just can't. Either my eggs are too old (most likely I guess), or my uterus is unfriendly for some reason as yet undetected.
Yes, if I had $15,000 right now, I would try IVF. But that is currently out of my affordability range. I may still try to get a loan, but I think that would likely allow a couple more medicated IUIs versus IVF. Maybe, just maybe, international IVF.
I wish someone could tell me with certainty whether I have enough good eggs in there to warrant trying more in this way. In any case, I'm not feeling super motivated to try and make that happen right now.
I'm tired. I'm tired of getting my hopes up every try, just to get no results at all. I'm tired of trying to scrape together the financing piece and living with the stress of not having as much money or financial cushion as I need.
And. There's one other new consideration. Some of you may laugh, but having a puppy has given me a taste of single motherhood. And it IS hard. At least for me.
I read some SMC blogs, and these women are rocking single motherhood and don't seem to be all that stressed. I am definitely getting in more of a groove with Zoey, but damn, she requires a LOT of care and constant supervision, not to mention always thinking of her with every plan I make.
She needs to be let out for bathroom breaks and exercise and food. I can't just go out for a few hours in the evening or drive off to work for the day. Care has got to be arranged, or I need to schedule myself accordingly. She needs vet care and baths. I am even obsessed with the health of her poop! lol
I'm not complaining. I think getting Zoey was the perfect decision for me right now, and I get so much joy and love from playing and cuddling with her. We're having fun learning new tricks, like sit, down, leave it, settle, etc. And she is giving my life purpose and direction, that's for sure (though not equal to the meaning of motherhood of course).
But it makes me imagine taking that care to the next level for a baby and doing it all alone. It's a little overwhelming to think about. I do think it's "training" me in a way, and I would be better prepared going into caring for a baby. But boy does it sound more manageable with a partner or substantial help.
So, there's that. I don't have a settled clarity yet, but it's all rambling around in my psyche and spirit right now. We'll see where the pieces land...
With that, I leave you with some pics and a video of my little girl, Zoey (the video I took on my iPhone is not uploading - any advice?):
Here's Zoey chilling out on a hot day in her luxury swimming pool. :)
Zoey had a sun toy from the vets that she thrashed around, chased and chewed. The sun has now "passed on" in torn-up glory, and she has an orange bear made of similar material. We'll see how long Mr. Bear lasts... this could get expensive.
7/19/2012
Please help me decide!
I know, I know, it's my decision and no one can make it for me. But I really need your opinions!
As I mentioned before, I currently have an appointment with a new doctor at Kai.ser Fremont on August 15th. They told me I may be able to get in earlier if there were a cancellation, but that hasn't happened. I do have some blood tests I'm doing on Day 2 of my next cycle, so as to not delay things further.
But I'm feeling uncertain about waiting out another whole month. The waiting this month was already challenging, though I have to admit that my body feels a lot better without all the hormonal jacking up!
One weird sidenote: I think my ovulation was totally delayed this cycle. It normally falls on Day 15 at the latest, but today is Day 21, and it's the first day above coverline. The last two days were slightly raised (like from 97.6 to 97.73) so that it looks like a stairstep pattern. We'll see when the next cycle actually starts, since the luteal phase is not supposed to vary much.
Regardless, the big question I have for you is: Should I try this coming cycle?
Reasons to try: One, I have all the medications needed in my hot little hands, thanks in part to an awesomely generous donation from Kara - if you're reading, thank you, Kara!!! Two, I am feeling excited about trying and this seems like a good sign. Three, every month counts at this point, right? And, even though I would have the same protocol, I did get three mature eggs, which is not bad.
Reasons not to try: One, my savings is still somewhat depleted and it would be a stretch financially. Once my teaching starts back up and my income starts coming in from the new job in a few weeks, I will be in a better place. Two, I'm irritated with this doctor, which is why I'm switching to the new one. Nothing will change in my protocol, and he'll still be Dr. Jaded Jim.
So, what do you think?
As I mentioned before, I currently have an appointment with a new doctor at Kai.ser Fremont on August 15th. They told me I may be able to get in earlier if there were a cancellation, but that hasn't happened. I do have some blood tests I'm doing on Day 2 of my next cycle, so as to not delay things further.
But I'm feeling uncertain about waiting out another whole month. The waiting this month was already challenging, though I have to admit that my body feels a lot better without all the hormonal jacking up!
One weird sidenote: I think my ovulation was totally delayed this cycle. It normally falls on Day 15 at the latest, but today is Day 21, and it's the first day above coverline. The last two days were slightly raised (like from 97.6 to 97.73) so that it looks like a stairstep pattern. We'll see when the next cycle actually starts, since the luteal phase is not supposed to vary much.
Regardless, the big question I have for you is: Should I try this coming cycle?
Reasons to try: One, I have all the medications needed in my hot little hands, thanks in part to an awesomely generous donation from Kara - if you're reading, thank you, Kara!!! Two, I am feeling excited about trying and this seems like a good sign. Three, every month counts at this point, right? And, even though I would have the same protocol, I did get three mature eggs, which is not bad.
Reasons not to try: One, my savings is still somewhat depleted and it would be a stretch financially. Once my teaching starts back up and my income starts coming in from the new job in a few weeks, I will be in a better place. Two, I'm irritated with this doctor, which is why I'm switching to the new one. Nothing will change in my protocol, and he'll still be Dr. Jaded Jim.
So, what do you think?
7/07/2012
I'm back
Sorry for disappearing!
I was pretty down about the cycle not working for a while. And the conversation with the doctor sure didn't help, in which he quoted statistics I've heard a million times. The "worst case" statistics from the "42 and older" category. At first he said even chances with IVF are low, but then seemed to remember I had responded fairly well to the stim drugs, and by the end of the conversation was pushing IVF like a used car salesman. He thinks I should go to the free orientation sessions at local clinics and said there is no benefit to going to Kai.ser (they don't do IVF at his location in SF but offer it at the Fremont location) because everything is out of pocket. I'm not sure I believe that, since it seems like some of the testing and medication would be partially covered, but maybe I could get those through Kai.ser anyway? I don't even know why I'm debating it, since I can't afford it right now. I thought about looking at the funding options again, but I'm not optimistic.
So, as of now, I'm still looking forward to connecting with another Kai.ser doctor in Fremont in mid-August and likely doing another injectable cycle before then or at that time. As my friend reminded me: at least one out of twenty eggs is still good, so there's still a chance! A positive viewpoint!
My absence was also due to taking a trip to Lake Ta.hoe for a few days over the Fourth of July with the whole family. It was really nice. I hadn't been there in a long time. We went out on the boat a few times, had a few drinks, laid out on the dock, ate good food, that sort of thing. A rough life... ha! AND I got to play a lot with my niece and nephew. My niece and I had some really lovely drawing/project sessions - so fun to draw in parallel and consult one another on design choices, comment on what I liked about her drawing, etc. Totally the way I imagine playing with my kid one day. All three of us also played a lot of matchbox car games, where we enacted different imaginary scenarios and the cars were often humanized. Pretty interesting. They got very attached to their assigned cars, too, let me tell you! My nephew actually carried around a ziploc bag full of cars and would take one out or put one back, then ask you to, "Close it." Very cute. Instead of a security blanket, he had a security "bag of cars"!
It's nice to be back now. I had a date and also have a story to tell about an odd, yet in the end positive, exchange with a good friend of my brother, who lives in SF (we have plans to go on a hike next weekend), but I'll share more in the next couple days. I'm going to chill out tonight and go to bed early. I've been following along with blog posts but not commenting much, as I did not have internet reception at the lake (just iPh.one). But I'll get back into commenting now. I'm continuing to wish good things for people.
I was pretty down about the cycle not working for a while. And the conversation with the doctor sure didn't help, in which he quoted statistics I've heard a million times. The "worst case" statistics from the "42 and older" category. At first he said even chances with IVF are low, but then seemed to remember I had responded fairly well to the stim drugs, and by the end of the conversation was pushing IVF like a used car salesman. He thinks I should go to the free orientation sessions at local clinics and said there is no benefit to going to Kai.ser (they don't do IVF at his location in SF but offer it at the Fremont location) because everything is out of pocket. I'm not sure I believe that, since it seems like some of the testing and medication would be partially covered, but maybe I could get those through Kai.ser anyway? I don't even know why I'm debating it, since I can't afford it right now. I thought about looking at the funding options again, but I'm not optimistic.
So, as of now, I'm still looking forward to connecting with another Kai.ser doctor in Fremont in mid-August and likely doing another injectable cycle before then or at that time. As my friend reminded me: at least one out of twenty eggs is still good, so there's still a chance! A positive viewpoint!
My absence was also due to taking a trip to Lake Ta.hoe for a few days over the Fourth of July with the whole family. It was really nice. I hadn't been there in a long time. We went out on the boat a few times, had a few drinks, laid out on the dock, ate good food, that sort of thing. A rough life... ha! AND I got to play a lot with my niece and nephew. My niece and I had some really lovely drawing/project sessions - so fun to draw in parallel and consult one another on design choices, comment on what I liked about her drawing, etc. Totally the way I imagine playing with my kid one day. All three of us also played a lot of matchbox car games, where we enacted different imaginary scenarios and the cars were often humanized. Pretty interesting. They got very attached to their assigned cars, too, let me tell you! My nephew actually carried around a ziploc bag full of cars and would take one out or put one back, then ask you to, "Close it." Very cute. Instead of a security blanket, he had a security "bag of cars"!
It's nice to be back now. I had a date and also have a story to tell about an odd, yet in the end positive, exchange with a good friend of my brother, who lives in SF (we have plans to go on a hike next weekend), but I'll share more in the next couple days. I'm going to chill out tonight and go to bed early. I've been following along with blog posts but not commenting much, as I did not have internet reception at the lake (just iPh.one). But I'll get back into commenting now. I'm continuing to wish good things for people.
6/25/2012
11 dpo
I have a new sign to report: headache. Blech. I've had a sinus-type headache over the weekend and heading into today. I thought maybe the one on Saturday was related to my over-indulgence of cheese at the game night Friday. But it continued on beyond the cheese explanation.
I've also been having vivid dreams and woke up a couple times in the early morning the last couple of mornings before, luckily, falling back to sleep. I remember that happening to me in another cycle last year, when I was trying with S. Last night, I dreamed I was caring for a cute little girl baby and my family was around. I was very focused on her, though there were family dynamics going on. In another, less pleasant dream, someone was caring for a dog and had left him on the changing table. When I went over to check on him, I saw he had pooped and had it all over him. As I tried to hold him still to clean it off, I had the thought that this was what it would be like sometimes with a baby. :)
Boobs have gotten more sore again, but not nipple pain, just sore. All likely attributable to the progesterone supplements, I know.
I thought about testing today but don't feel like facing that horrible white space again (seen in previous cycles last year). It's 11 dpo... three more days before I can get a blood test if things hold out. When it's this close, I'm tempted to wait. So far, my bbt temperatures are holding strong, but no real triphasic pattern as of yet. Somehow, when I attached my chart to this post, it keeps updating each day, as I add new temperatures. So, you can follow the trends there. lol
The fundraiser game night was a wonderful night, full of yummy food, great conversation, meaningful visioning activity and fun games, and even ending with a sort of blessing ritual. I felt much love and care, and everyone seemed to get along great (there were women I knew from different circles, such as Interplay, Nonviolent Communication, and Transition Towns) and enjoy themselves.
But. I did not accomplish the initial primary goal of the evening: to raise funds to offset some ttc debt. Contributions did come in, but were significantly less than I'd imagined. I think there might be a few reasons for this, including: I wasn't as clear or articulate as I would have liked in asking for the donations, people just don't feel they have a lot to give right now, and, finally, it was a Friday night and only half the women invited were able to come.
In any case, I've decided to let that go and chalk it up to an experiment. An experiment that did reap many blessings in the form of fun, connection, and bonding with and between some of my good women friends. Here are a couple of pictures from the night. The first couple are us doing the "now" and "ideal" visioning activity (these are my visions, but each person had a turn), and the last is of the poem we created at the end of the night, each choosing one word.
I've also been having vivid dreams and woke up a couple times in the early morning the last couple of mornings before, luckily, falling back to sleep. I remember that happening to me in another cycle last year, when I was trying with S. Last night, I dreamed I was caring for a cute little girl baby and my family was around. I was very focused on her, though there were family dynamics going on. In another, less pleasant dream, someone was caring for a dog and had left him on the changing table. When I went over to check on him, I saw he had pooped and had it all over him. As I tried to hold him still to clean it off, I had the thought that this was what it would be like sometimes with a baby. :)
Boobs have gotten more sore again, but not nipple pain, just sore. All likely attributable to the progesterone supplements, I know.
I thought about testing today but don't feel like facing that horrible white space again (seen in previous cycles last year). It's 11 dpo... three more days before I can get a blood test if things hold out. When it's this close, I'm tempted to wait. So far, my bbt temperatures are holding strong, but no real triphasic pattern as of yet. Somehow, when I attached my chart to this post, it keeps updating each day, as I add new temperatures. So, you can follow the trends there. lol
The fundraiser game night was a wonderful night, full of yummy food, great conversation, meaningful visioning activity and fun games, and even ending with a sort of blessing ritual. I felt much love and care, and everyone seemed to get along great (there were women I knew from different circles, such as Interplay, Nonviolent Communication, and Transition Towns) and enjoy themselves.
But. I did not accomplish the initial primary goal of the evening: to raise funds to offset some ttc debt. Contributions did come in, but were significantly less than I'd imagined. I think there might be a few reasons for this, including: I wasn't as clear or articulate as I would have liked in asking for the donations, people just don't feel they have a lot to give right now, and, finally, it was a Friday night and only half the women invited were able to come.
In any case, I've decided to let that go and chalk it up to an experiment. An experiment that did reap many blessings in the form of fun, connection, and bonding with and between some of my good women friends. Here are a couple of pictures from the night. The first couple are us doing the "now" and "ideal" visioning activity (these are my visions, but each person had a turn), and the last is of the poem we created at the end of the night, each choosing one word.
6/02/2012
School Endings and Cycle Beginnings
I wrote this on Thursday evening but didn't finish the post:
I was reading a blog post while driving in slow, stop-and-go traffic today and gently tapped the car in front of me. Whoops! Lesson learned! No damage to either car, thank goodness.
I'm done with the school year, yay!!! Finished up our fourth and final school today. The kids gave presentations based on their career research paper. Or many of them did anyway. I was pleased overall with the level of participation. In only one class did I have to really work to cajole them to get up and speak. So much so that I was doing cartwheels. Actual cartwheels. I convinced two additional people to get up and speak with that reward. Not sure why it was so exciting. I guess you don't see a teacher do cartwheels in the classroom everyday. :-)
It's now Saturday.....
...and I'm so loving sitting in the sun on the deck right now. Feeling very happy. Just got off a super-fun Sk.ype call with a guy, T, who lives in the U.K. OMG, he's so cute. And not just in terms of looks, but his whole personality. We talked about all kinds of things, from international travel, to spirituality, to what makes up chemistry between people, to living in community, to alternative economies. It was awesome! And we both said that we found it unusually easy to talk to one another. We made arrangement to check in tomorrow and maybe talk before I go to bed, which would be 7 a.m. his time. He told me about the "Ringing Cedars" book series. Have any of you read this series? I want to get a hold of it.
Grateful to be done teaching and also to find out that I will have work through the college counseling office through the summer. At least enough to get by. I also applied for two other part-time jobs: SAT (and other) tutoring for Com.pass, which sounds like a good company, and International Student Coordinator with a local, private high school. I'm not sure how the hours work out for the latter one, as the ad said I would be paid $700 per student but detailed many different stages of working with them and their families. I hope I land one of these!
Regarding this cycle, I think I'll probably go ahead. Once again, dating is making me question my choices (what if it works out with him? what if we want a child together?), but I think I'll still take the leap. Many "signs" seems to be encouraging me, including all the donated medication I've received, and the support that has recently surfaced from a couple of women I know. One woman from my dance community actually wants to be a co-parent. I haven't quite wrapped my head around that, yet, but she also said she would love to be a "special aunt," so that's great. Another woman who collaborated with me on my recent Transition workshop asked me today whether I had "aunts" lined up, and also if I was interested in intentional community. She's a super cool lady, and I would love to have her in my and my child's life!
Finally, I had a fundraising idea to host a "Fun and Games Fertility Night," where I would facilitate theatre games (people could also watch), and we could also play board games, snack, and talk. I would ask a donation range. I put the idea out to some of my women friends. The one response was awesome, and I'm waiting to hear from the others. I could potentially raise a few hundred to a thousand dollars, which would definitely help.
After my injection refresher last week, I feel confident and ready to go on that front! My cycle is due to start in the next couple of days...
I was reading a blog post while driving in slow, stop-and-go traffic today and gently tapped the car in front of me. Whoops! Lesson learned! No damage to either car, thank goodness.
I'm done with the school year, yay!!! Finished up our fourth and final school today. The kids gave presentations based on their career research paper. Or many of them did anyway. I was pleased overall with the level of participation. In only one class did I have to really work to cajole them to get up and speak. So much so that I was doing cartwheels. Actual cartwheels. I convinced two additional people to get up and speak with that reward. Not sure why it was so exciting. I guess you don't see a teacher do cartwheels in the classroom everyday. :-)
It's now Saturday.....
...and I'm so loving sitting in the sun on the deck right now. Feeling very happy. Just got off a super-fun Sk.ype call with a guy, T, who lives in the U.K. OMG, he's so cute. And not just in terms of looks, but his whole personality. We talked about all kinds of things, from international travel, to spirituality, to what makes up chemistry between people, to living in community, to alternative economies. It was awesome! And we both said that we found it unusually easy to talk to one another. We made arrangement to check in tomorrow and maybe talk before I go to bed, which would be 7 a.m. his time. He told me about the "Ringing Cedars" book series. Have any of you read this series? I want to get a hold of it.
Grateful to be done teaching and also to find out that I will have work through the college counseling office through the summer. At least enough to get by. I also applied for two other part-time jobs: SAT (and other) tutoring for Com.pass, which sounds like a good company, and International Student Coordinator with a local, private high school. I'm not sure how the hours work out for the latter one, as the ad said I would be paid $700 per student but detailed many different stages of working with them and their families. I hope I land one of these!
Regarding this cycle, I think I'll probably go ahead. Once again, dating is making me question my choices (what if it works out with him? what if we want a child together?), but I think I'll still take the leap. Many "signs" seems to be encouraging me, including all the donated medication I've received, and the support that has recently surfaced from a couple of women I know. One woman from my dance community actually wants to be a co-parent. I haven't quite wrapped my head around that, yet, but she also said she would love to be a "special aunt," so that's great. Another woman who collaborated with me on my recent Transition workshop asked me today whether I had "aunts" lined up, and also if I was interested in intentional community. She's a super cool lady, and I would love to have her in my and my child's life!
Finally, I had a fundraising idea to host a "Fun and Games Fertility Night," where I would facilitate theatre games (people could also watch), and we could also play board games, snack, and talk. I would ask a donation range. I put the idea out to some of my women friends. The one response was awesome, and I'm waiting to hear from the others. I could potentially raise a few hundred to a thousand dollars, which would definitely help.
After my injection refresher last week, I feel confident and ready to go on that front! My cycle is due to start in the next couple of days...
5/14/2012
No Regrets
So, I guess my actions sometimes show pretty clearly that I'm a risk taker. One of the bloggers I read wrote a post recently about how frustrated she felt that a young woman was planning to become an SMC when she was in serious debt. My debt is not bad (except for my student loan), but I'm not on as strong of financial footing as I would like to be when trying to conceive.
I'm working on that. Just submitted another resume today and sent my resume to a couple of people I respect for feedback. As mentioned, I'd like an up-to-half-time job with some benefits to add to my current job; then I would be in an exceptional place financially. Right now, I'm getting by but it's not enough to save much, which I need to do if I'm going to be a mom. And I want more choices. Choices mainly, at this point, about ttc, but also other life and personal/professional development choices.
I haven't heard back yet as to how many hours I can expect to be working this summer through my college. Possibly less than I've been working, which is concerning. It's ironic because I want to provide "sustainable" career counseling that includes helping people to create multiple revenue streams, so they are not overly dependent on one employer. I've watched so many people (including myself) get the rug pulled out from under them when they lose a job, and it seems to me that employers can wield far to much power over people when they are their sole source of income.
But I haven't managed to create that for myself, so how can I counsel others in how to create it? Perhaps as I succeed in gaining my own footing, it will lay the foundation to help my clients follow the same path.
Which leads me to my current ttc efforts... I'm thinking about going forward with one injectable cycle next month. I've been scouring some different sites for leftover donated or discount medication and have procured a decent amount.
I've been waiting more than two years to move to this step and have experienced major set-backs. I would wait for a few months and focus on employment - maybe I should do this? - but I'm scared to let go again when I'm on the verge of this next step.
I promised myself I will try a few last times this year, and I want to honor that promise. And I do know, I have a deep belief, that I have the resources and the ability to respond to what is needed in the moment. I will do what it takes to provide a good environment for my child.
Ideally, yes, a partner or co-parent will manifest in rapid fashion. This is definitely what I would prefer. But relationships end. Co-parenting is extremely complicated. I'm on a short timeline here, people.
So my way forward is definitely not set in stone. But there is a voice inside me saying, just do it, just make that leap and trust that what is meant to be will be. Don't have regrets. Don't let the opportunity pass you by.
As they say in 12-step programs, more shall be revealed.
1/25/2012
Update: Jobs and Cops
So glad I'm not working right now. And yet. . . I'm ready and wanting to find another income stream, especially considering my supervisor will be hiring another teacher soon and my hours will go back down.
Any ideas for me in terms of job search strategies or possible employers? I think I've shared a lot about my work background but to revisit: I have a Masters in Psychology and lots of experience with career counseling, interactive theatre (especially using it for self and career development and community building), as well as communication and curriculum development. Work environments have more recently included Non-Profits, Private Non-Profits, and community colleges, but in the past, businesses as well.
Ideally, I would find something part-time, since I'm already working 15-20 well-paid hours through my current grant. I really wish I could find paid work for the Transition Town movement. Maybe I should at least ask Transition U.S. if I could submit my resume, though I know they are a pretty lean organization.
I found a few possibilities on job sites and am applying for them today. And there may be some extra hours I could get from other grants at the community college where I work. My supervisor gave the green light to talk to the head of our department about it. Wish me luck!
In the oh-so-fun dating arena, the situation with the COP has had a couple more ups and downs.
On the second and most recent date on Monday, we walked around a local reservoir. The chemistry was definitely still there, but I think our ongoing drama has created reticence in both of us. It was a beautiful walk. We stopped and walked out onto a secluded dock at one point and made out a little. :-)
Continuing on, he talked a lot about the stress he was under in his job, the traumatic domestic and violent situations he's dealt with, how humor was such a huge coping mechanism, but he knows what he went through has affected him and created a lot of repressed emotion (my wording). He said if he ever got counseling, he would need to talk to someone who had been a cop and could understand his reality.
This may sound callous, but I was empathizing and really with him up to a point, but then I wanted him to ask about me and give me some air time. He basically talked most of the time and was very absorbed in his own feelings. At the end he asked me what was going on. I said I knew I couldn't really understand what he'd been through, but I needed to say that I did think it would be good if talked to someone - that he would have access to more of himself - and he agreed.
I also said I was needing to know he was interested in me and requested that he ask me a question (yes, I am that direct sometimes). Well, he got all defensive. We got past it and ended up being kind of romantic at the end, but my heart wasn't totally in it. I'm just really wanting more consciousness in my relationships now, and the ability to communicate and hear one another at deeper levels. Anyway, we have decided to take a break for a few days and check back in this weekend.
In this break, he is supposedly deciding if he wants to work on himself and try and be more open to communicating and hearing feelings. So far, when I express vulnerable feelings, it makes him uncomfortable and he deflects with jokes or defensiveness.
Believe me, I know that I have issues, and I certainly don't expect him or anyone I date not to have them, as well. But more self-awareness = more ability to take responsibility for our own actions and reactions; to acknowledge when we have treated the other person unfairly from a place of being "triggered" into some old pattern.
In addition to the date described above, and as I shared about in the previous post, he has really put me through the wringer with his unconscious communication. It's been intolerable. I told him I don't have the emotional fortitude to withstand it. Basically, he communicates a bare minimum through texts and leaves me hanging for periods of time. He rarely initiates phone calls and doesn't follow through on making plans to meet. He'll seem interested in getting together, and then something "comes up," like needing to help his roommate, and he says he can't. But in our conversations, he's often intensely romantic and plaintively says he misses me and wishes I was there with him. When I've confronted him on his crazy-making behavior, he's admitted to feeling a lot of fear because I can "get inside his head." I'm sure his recent divorce also plays a role.
We've met two times, and it's like we've had an entire relationship, complete with several break-ups. Too much drama! I knew it was not conscious or healthy enough for me pretty early in, but the energy and chemistry we had was really seductive. I haven't had that strong of connection with anyone for a long, long time. And he made me laugh, and who can resist a man who makes you laugh?
But the drama has dampened all that. If he decides he really wanted to work on himself, then I will consider trying, but otherwise, I'm done.
Any ideas for me in terms of job search strategies or possible employers? I think I've shared a lot about my work background but to revisit: I have a Masters in Psychology and lots of experience with career counseling, interactive theatre (especially using it for self and career development and community building), as well as communication and curriculum development. Work environments have more recently included Non-Profits, Private Non-Profits, and community colleges, but in the past, businesses as well.
Ideally, I would find something part-time, since I'm already working 15-20 well-paid hours through my current grant. I really wish I could find paid work for the Transition Town movement. Maybe I should at least ask Transition U.S. if I could submit my resume, though I know they are a pretty lean organization.
I found a few possibilities on job sites and am applying for them today. And there may be some extra hours I could get from other grants at the community college where I work. My supervisor gave the green light to talk to the head of our department about it. Wish me luck!
In the oh-so-fun dating arena, the situation with the COP has had a couple more ups and downs.
On the second and most recent date on Monday, we walked around a local reservoir. The chemistry was definitely still there, but I think our ongoing drama has created reticence in both of us. It was a beautiful walk. We stopped and walked out onto a secluded dock at one point and made out a little. :-)
Continuing on, he talked a lot about the stress he was under in his job, the traumatic domestic and violent situations he's dealt with, how humor was such a huge coping mechanism, but he knows what he went through has affected him and created a lot of repressed emotion (my wording). He said if he ever got counseling, he would need to talk to someone who had been a cop and could understand his reality.
This may sound callous, but I was empathizing and really with him up to a point, but then I wanted him to ask about me and give me some air time. He basically talked most of the time and was very absorbed in his own feelings. At the end he asked me what was going on. I said I knew I couldn't really understand what he'd been through, but I needed to say that I did think it would be good if talked to someone - that he would have access to more of himself - and he agreed.
I also said I was needing to know he was interested in me and requested that he ask me a question (yes, I am that direct sometimes). Well, he got all defensive. We got past it and ended up being kind of romantic at the end, but my heart wasn't totally in it. I'm just really wanting more consciousness in my relationships now, and the ability to communicate and hear one another at deeper levels. Anyway, we have decided to take a break for a few days and check back in this weekend.
In this break, he is supposedly deciding if he wants to work on himself and try and be more open to communicating and hearing feelings. So far, when I express vulnerable feelings, it makes him uncomfortable and he deflects with jokes or defensiveness.
Believe me, I know that I have issues, and I certainly don't expect him or anyone I date not to have them, as well. But more self-awareness = more ability to take responsibility for our own actions and reactions; to acknowledge when we have treated the other person unfairly from a place of being "triggered" into some old pattern.
In addition to the date described above, and as I shared about in the previous post, he has really put me through the wringer with his unconscious communication. It's been intolerable. I told him I don't have the emotional fortitude to withstand it. Basically, he communicates a bare minimum through texts and leaves me hanging for periods of time. He rarely initiates phone calls and doesn't follow through on making plans to meet. He'll seem interested in getting together, and then something "comes up," like needing to help his roommate, and he says he can't. But in our conversations, he's often intensely romantic and plaintively says he misses me and wishes I was there with him. When I've confronted him on his crazy-making behavior, he's admitted to feeling a lot of fear because I can "get inside his head." I'm sure his recent divorce also plays a role.
We've met two times, and it's like we've had an entire relationship, complete with several break-ups. Too much drama! I knew it was not conscious or healthy enough for me pretty early in, but the energy and chemistry we had was really seductive. I haven't had that strong of connection with anyone for a long, long time. And he made me laugh, and who can resist a man who makes you laugh?
But the drama has dampened all that. If he decides he really wanted to work on himself, then I will consider trying, but otherwise, I'm done.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)