And so I face the final curtain...

Participated in my dance group this morning.  Experienced a wave of sadness in the middle.  May be connected to mixed emotions around S emailing me a couple of days ago saying, in a polite manner, that he thought he should separate me from his insurance and, if he didn't hear from me by the end of the month, he would do so at that time.

This is very reasonable.  I knew it was coming.  But I sometimes forgot.  In any case, I asked for another month, so probably have until the end of September... possibly October.  It brings things into sharper relief.  I have a sense that the time of me actively trying on my own may be coming to an end, barring unforeseen circumstances.  

Time is not my friend.  I would love to do one IVF, and if there were any frozen embryos, this would be such a blessing.  I've looked at a few international IVF programs.  Do you know they are about a third or less the cost of the procedure here in the U.S.?  There are travel costs of course but, wow.  

That would entail getting a loan, however, which I'm not sure I can or should do.  Assuming, as the odds would suggest, that doesn't happen, then the doors could close.  I'm feeling more ready for that.  

I don't think I will choose to try donor embryo for reasons I don't want to go into right now, though I understand the beauty and gift of it for many people.  Adoption may be my next path... But before then, this coming end of August/beginning of September injectable cycle may be my "hail mary," with the unlikely possibility of one more cycle immediately following.  

So, yes, I guess I can see where the sadness might be coming from.  Also, though, an interesting sense of calm and some acceptance.

Please help me decide!

I know, I know, it's my decision and no one can make it for me.  But I really need your opinions!

As I mentioned before, I currently have an appointment with a new doctor at Kai.ser Fremont on August 15th.  They told me I may be able to get in earlier if there were a cancellation, but that hasn't happened.  I do have some blood tests I'm doing on Day 2 of my next cycle, so as to not delay things further. 

But I'm feeling uncertain about waiting out another whole month.  The waiting this month was already challenging, though I have to admit that my body feels a lot better without all the hormonal jacking up!

One weird sidenote:  I think my ovulation was totally delayed this cycle.  It normally falls on Day 15 at the latest, but today is Day 21, and it's the first day above coverline.  The last two days were slightly raised (like from 97.6 to 97.73) so that it looks like a stairstep pattern.  We'll see when the next cycle actually starts, since the luteal phase is not supposed to vary much. 

Regardless, the big question I have for you is:  Should I try this coming cycle?

Reasons to try:  One, I have all the medications needed in my hot little hands, thanks in part to an awesomely generous donation from Kara - if you're reading, thank you, Kara!!!  Two, I am feeling excited about trying and this seems like a good sign.  Three, every month counts at this point, right?  And, even though I would have the same protocol, I did get three mature eggs, which is not bad.

Reasons not to try:  One, my savings is still somewhat depleted and it would be a stretch financially.  Once my teaching starts back up and my income starts coming in from the new job in a few weeks, I will be in a better place.  Two, I'm irritated with this doctor, which is why I'm switching to the new one.  Nothing will change in my protocol, and he'll still be Dr. Jaded Jim.

So, what do you think?

Weekend, 3 DPO

My weekend was a good one.  I attended the performance of an Inter.play theatre troupe, called Wing It, Friday night.  The title of the show was, "God, Sex, and Power," so you know there were some juicy stories.  One of the troupe members recently moved back to Africa after getting married and shared a story about homophobia and prejudice in his community, and how he wants to work to change that.  And one piece in which people were sharing about their questions and relationship with God really resonated.  Trying to make meaning and believe that there is a plan for me...

Yesterday, I attended an SMC brunch and met a bunch of interesting, cool women, many with babies in tow.  You should have heard the savvy language we were rocking in that room.  We could have been doctors!  The women responded positively when they heard the number of eggs I had, though a couple of them did go to donor eggs at younger ages than mine.  They encouraged me to just "keep trying," which is easier said than done financially, but it did bolster me to try again a time or two if needed (knock on wood).

I'm particularly excited about a conversation I had with a couple women who live near me and are about to begin trying.  We talked about child care options like nanny care and cooperative child care and also good neighborhoods for school districts and raising kids.  At the end, we said we would get together again soon and continue the conversation.

Another highlight was holding a little red-haired guy, about six months old, who was so mellow and sweet.  Is there any better smell than baby? (assuming their diaper has been changed recently. hehe)  I would love it if my baby had red hair, though this mom was a bit concerned he might get picked on.  I would never have thought of that possibility.

On the IUI front, I've been taking vaginal progesterone two times a day since Friday evening.  I'm definitely noticing some effects.  My breasts are quite sore, and I've had a bit of abdominal cramping.  At first, of course, I thought, "ooh, maybe it's implantation!"  But first of all, it's too early, and second, I read online that progesterone can cause this symptom, as well.  I've been more hungry I would say, too, and a little more crabby.  Nothing too bad, yet. 

I'm going to try and include my chart.  To me it looks like I may have just ovulated on Thursday before the IUI, but I'm not sure I can trust the temps, with medication and all things considered.  I still feel hopeful about the timing.  Any thoughts?

No Regrets

So, I guess my actions sometimes show pretty clearly that I'm a risk taker.  One of the bloggers I read wrote a post recently about how frustrated she felt that a young woman was planning to become an SMC when she was in serious debt.  My debt is not bad (except for my student loan), but I'm not on as strong of financial footing as I would like to be when trying to conceive.

I'm working on that.  Just submitted another resume today and sent my resume to a couple of people I respect for feedback.  As mentioned, I'd like an up-to-half-time job with some benefits to add to my current job; then I would be in an exceptional place financially. Right now, I'm getting by but it's not enough to save much, which I need to do if I'm going to be a mom.  And I want more choices.  Choices mainly, at this point, about ttc, but also other life and personal/professional development choices.

I haven't heard back yet as to how many hours I can expect to be working this summer through my college.  Possibly less than I've been working, which is concerning.  It's ironic because I want to provide "sustainable" career counseling that includes helping people to create multiple revenue streams, so they are not overly dependent on one employer.  I've watched so many people (including myself) get the rug pulled out from under them when they lose a job, and it seems to me that employers can wield far to much power over people when they are their sole source of income.  

But I haven't managed to create that for myself, so how can I counsel others in how to create it?  Perhaps as I succeed in gaining my own footing, it will lay the foundation to help my clients follow the same path.  

Which leads me to my current ttc efforts... I'm thinking about going forward with one injectable cycle next month.  I've been scouring some different sites for leftover donated or discount medication and have procured a decent amount.  

I've been waiting more than two years to move to this step and have experienced major set-backs.  I would wait for a few months and focus on employment - maybe I should do this? - but I'm scared to let go again when I'm on the verge of this next step.  

I promised myself I will try a few last times this year, and I want to honor that promise.  And I do know, I have a deep belief, that I have the resources and the ability to respond to what is needed in the moment.  I will do what it takes to provide a good environment for my child.

Ideally, yes, a partner or co-parent will manifest in rapid fashion.  This is definitely what I would prefer.  But relationships end.  Co-parenting is extremely complicated.  I'm on a short timeline here, people.  

So my way forward is definitely not set in stone.  But there is a voice inside me saying, just do it, just make that leap and trust that what is meant to be will be.  Don't have regrets.  Don't let the opportunity pass you by.  

As they say in 12-step programs, more shall be revealed.

Cycling Decision

I'm feeling the pressure to decide whether I'm going to cycle with injectables for this coming cycle, starting in six or seven days.  I'm talking to the doctor tomorrow.  The reasons I want to go forward with it now include:

• I feel like I've been building up to it.  I've had my tests, have a general plan, and have been taking the supplements at least the minimum amount of time they recommend.

• I have wanted to go to this next level of injectables for a couple of years now, but have been thwarted by one reason or another.  I feel like I should do at least one cycle now, when I can.  

• I haven't been talking about this, but I may have to switch to a lesser insurance at some point.  I'm not sure when that will be and want to take advantage of the better coverage while I can.

• I'm dating and, with the one guy I went out with last weekend, I see potential.  I know if I get close to him, it will get harder to go forward and continue to try.  This may be the worst reason ever.  But I just want to push forward and get this higher level effort completed.  If I get pregnant, I will be okay with whatever happens on the dating/relationship front.  If I don't get pregnant, at least I know I made a solid try, which may take a little pressure off for a month or two if I want to see where things go.  * This goes back to my previous post.  In an ideal world, as many of you advised, I would not give up my ttc efforts.  I would continue to date and ttc in parallel.  But in reality, I just don't know whether that is possible for very long, except in very special circumstances.  At a certain point, something has to change.  I know this guy wants to have a kid or kids.  Why would he go along with this plan, considering my age and that I want only one biological child? (or, note to Universe, I would welcome twins too).  And I would want him to fulfill his dreams of fatherhood, as well.

• Co-parenting.  I've put quite a bit of time and effort into researching and meeting with potential co-parents over the last month or so  - added on to months of time investigating this altogether over the past two or three years.  Part of me wants to strike while the iron's hot on this front.  This reason may be worse than the previous one!

Okay, so the good news is that, through writing this post, I see how I'm letting fear pressure me and push me forward.  I don't want that.  I want to stay grounded, take things a step at a time.  Okay.  So, the next steps are seeing what the doctor recommends and getting more clear on protocol and expenses for an injectable cycle.  Spend time with the co-parent who is coming into town next week and see if it strengthens my desire to move forward with him.  Right now, honestly, I am distracted by the new guy I went out with last weekend.  We have another date tomorrow night...

And, finally, just stay present to how I'm feeling as things unfold.  Be true to my desire to ttc (with injectables) soon.  And pay attention to what path forward feels most right.  Trust, trust, trust the process.  Easier said than done, but I'm going to try.

Reproduction vs. Romance in Another Context

Yesterday, I accidentally went on two dates.

In this post, I'm going to describe the dates... then consider whether dating is simpatico with pursuing co-parenting.

The first one, a breakfast date, I completely forgot.  He emailed as I was still in my pajamas and thinking about going for a run.  I waffled for a minute, but then hurriedly threw on my running clothes in case I wanted to go afterwards, brushed my teeth, washed my face, put on a touch of mascara, and ran out the door.  Not my prettiest look.  I did warn him.

Anyway, once I arrived at the cool little breakfast place near Lake Merr.itt, we started talking and gradually warmed up into a fairly good rapport.  He has beautiful eyes and a very nice smile.  I was feeling a bit self-conscious but it helped once we warmed up and started laughing a lot.

After breakfast, we walked down to the nearby Farmer's Mar.ket and cruised around talking.  Two highlights: he loves Ore.gon and his father lives there; and he initiated touching our hands together at the end under the pretense of showing me an exercise he did in a workshop.  We agreed to meet again this week.

Oh, and one caveat:  He said in his profile he wants to meet women 28 to 35 (he's my age), I imagine because he also says he wants kids.  I flirted first with a comment on one of his pictures, then he initiated communicating.

The second date I actually had in my calendar.  We met, oddly, at another restaurant near Lake Merr.itt for  their afternoon happy hour out on the deck.  When I saw the guy, my first thought was, "He does NOT look like his pictures!"  I went back and looked at the pictures again afterwards and see the resemblance, but they definitely place him in a super positive light.

So I'm thinking, "No," right off the bat, but we can still have a pleasant drink and chat.

We ended up having two drinks, as it was such a perfect summer-like day to be hanging out in the sun, and he was easy to talk with.  At the end, I found myself considering going on a second date, but, in retrospect, I think it was the wine talking!

Quite an unusually full day...

Later, I found myself imagining how these guys, especially the first guy, would feel if I told them about my co-parenting plans.  They clearly stated in their profile that they want kids.  And if, by God's grace, I become pregnant, I only want one biological child.  *As I write this, I see it's similar to dating when trying to become an SMC in other ways, as well.

Also, considering the idea through their eyes, this clearly complicates the family constellation and would affect our lives as a couple.  It may just be too unusual and complicated for them to understand, let alone accept.

I'm not sure how or when I will communicate with someone I'm dating about my co-parenting plans.  I think I'm in the camp that I will tell them when it organically comes up and feels important to share.  Because I don't want to live life from a place of trying to control all the "what ifs."  Who knows what may or may not happen in any of these scenarios?

I do feel strongly that I want to try a few times this year, as my window is closing (if not already closed).  I want to give one more whole-hearted try, adding injectables to the mix.  It doesn't feel good to think about putting these plans on hold.

How would you handle things if you were me?

Moving forward?

I went to the Kai.ser RE doc yesterday.  It started out in frustration, as he gave me the "your old and your chances are low" speech.  :-(  Yeah, after several years of trying, and researching, and reading other people's journeys, I'm well aware of that doc. 

He did the antral follicle account and it hadn't changed in almost two years, so I guess that's positive.  The number wasn't great though: about 9 follicles. 

I expected him to strongly recommend IVF, but he didn't.  He did say it had the highest chances, but that the chances were so low for me at this point that I may not want to make that level of financial investment.  I think it was around 15-20%.  I'm counting myself in the 40-42-year-old range because my tests are generally good, I've lived a healthy lifestyle, and I'm still in the first half of my 43rd year.  He said he didn't think I would qualify for shared-risk programs. 

In any case, I can't move forward financially with IVF on my own.  So in discussion, he thought the best option for me would be a flare protocol medicated IUI.  I found this information online:

"GnRH agonists (lupron®) have been the standard for ovarian stimulation in IVF for the past 10 years. However, traditional "long" protocols where the agonist is administered for 10 days or longer, followed by gonadotropin stimulation, may be a poor choice for the poor responder. This initial pretreatment with agonist may remove endogenous gonadotropins from the system and "suppress" the response of the ovary so that adequate stimulation is impossible. Problems with this long protocol led to the so-called flare protocol whereby the agonist is started on the menstrual cycle concurrent with the use of gonadotropins. Unfortunately, standard doses of agonist result in elevated levels of androgens, LH, and progesterone, in the follicular phase, before ovulation. These effects are detrimental to oocyte quality and endometrial receptivity. A modification of the flare protocol by pretreating patients with birth control pills and lowering the doses of agonist to "microdoses" has eliminated the negative effects of the flare and resulted in a better recruitment of oocytes and indeed significant improvements in pregnancy rates." 

The Resolve link for this article written by a well-known doctor in Colorado, School.craft, is here:
http://www.resolve.org/diagnosis-management/infertility-diagnosis/poor-responder.html

This is talking about IVF, but I guess it's similar for medicated IUIs?  I want to bring up the modification part to my doctor but am hoping he's aware.

So assuming that where we're headed, he wants me to take these next steps:

1. Start taking DHEA again, dose of 25, three times a day.
2. Get my thyroid tested again on my new dose in about a week (giving it a month to alter levels). *He feels my levels were really wacked out (5.7 or something) when I was tested in December, which was not the message I got from my doctor at the time.  I remember feeling really lethargic in the fall and this explains a lot.  My levels were better when taken a few weeks ago (3.8) but still significantly higher than they want.
3. Figure out the sperm source.
4. Take another one-time injectables class.

I am taking these additional steps:

1. Returning to heightened fertility diet consciousness.
2. Taking baby aspirin.
3. Taking Vitex.
4. Going back to taking a prenatal vitamin.
5. Maybe taking iron. *I tend to be low on iron and I understand this is important to fertility.  Anyone know about this link or have a good source of information?

Ahem.  Going back a bit to number three in the doctor's list of steps....  Yeah, that tricky sperm source thing.  Perhaps I sound emotionally disconnected around this right now.  Maybe I am.  But I feel strongly that I want to make one more big push for a biological child.  At least as big as I can manage all things considered. 

Using S as the source would be the easiest, since he is listed as my partner.  I was partially honest with the doctor by telling him that we have been fighting and things are uncertain.  S may consider giving a last "donation."  But this would not be emotionally healthy for me at this time, and I don't want to parent with someone I don't trust. 

Next option is donor sperm.  Less chances of success, more expensive, but, still, I'm grateful to have that choice.  The doctor is on board with that too. 

The third choice is a co-par.ent.  I don't know if I've talked much about my adventures in that realm on this blog.  A year and a half or so ago, I explored co-parent.ing with a couple of people from the co-paren.ting website.  I really like the idea of parenting with someone else and sharing the responsibilities on all levels: emotional, financial, logistical, etc.  It's a more doable option for me, all things considered.  So there are three people I've connected with this week:

1. A 42-year-old man, I think Chinese, who works for a well-known local university, has his  PhD, and seems like a nice, balanced person.  He is gay and after a 12-year partnership broke up, he decided having a child was his highest priority.  I'm meeting with him on Friday.
2. A psychotherapist (around 50 I think), partnered but his partner (female) does not want a child but looking forward to being an aunt.  He's quite short at 5'4' but I don't think I care about that.  He seems very intelligent and thoughtful but perhaps somewhat controlling - like he wants things to be exactly even.  One of my previous co-par.ent candidates was like that and it didn't work for me at all.  We are in the process of setting up a meeting.
3. A 60-year-old on the East Coast; has a female partner, lives in intentional community.  I know, he's probably too old (sperm health, parenting longevity) but we share values/worldview and I could totally see it working.  Except he lives on the East Coast... This really doesn't make sense, does it?

The tricky thing with a co-par.ent is that I would need to convince the doctor that they are my partner if we do IUI.  Otherwise, we could possibly do a home insem.ination but I've never done that and am scared of the logistics etc.

So if I can move forward cycle after this coming one, likely starting the second week of May, then that is what I plan to do.  There are factors yet to be determined, but I'll keep moving forward if at all possible.

* Brief request for donations:  I have some donated medicine, but if anyone has extra gonado.tropin (folli.stim) or ago.nist (lu.pron) medication, I would really appreciate it. 

Time Waits for No Woman

I am in a "liminal space."  The space between.  Having left one shore but not yet reached the other.

And sometimes I am fine with that and revel in the rich abundance of time and space: to think, to explore, to research and ruminate.  But other times, especially when my mind turns to conception, I just feel s-t-u-c-k.  And I begin to hear the ticking. . .


As I have talked about, I am currently work-challenged, without proper employ, job searching, financially disadvantaged, etc.  Unemployment offers me enough to live on, barely, until something (such as my brother's wedding in March) arises calling for greater resources.  Then I enter a stressed state of pulling from here, cutting from there, and trying to perform small miracles.

My groomswoman - yes I am proud to say I will be my brother's "groomswoman" - dress was about $200, the plane ticket is about $200, plus shoes/accessories and inevitable travel expenses. . .all money that I really don't have but am hoping to magically create as we go along.  

Which bring me to trying to conceive.  I have not been talking about that topic much yet on this blog because I am frustratingly stuck in that arena, due to said financial limitations.

And if I think about it too much, I start to get really tense because the clock does not stop for periods of unemployment.  So my strategy has been to let go, put it in the back of my mind, trust that my path will become clear in time and I am not losing my chance.

But what if I'm wrong?  I turned 42 in December and even though I feel younger, statistics show my eggs may not be on the same wavelength.  If you have any ideas, personal stories, reassurances, or prodding, I would welcome hearing any and all responses.