Long Overdue Update

I apologize for the dearth of updates.  The last cycle did not work.  It ended - or the next cycle started, depending on how you look at it - very oddly.  I had two days of very dark spotting, one day more of increased dark spotting - almost a light flow - then into a very heavy period.  I'm not sure if something started to happen and didn't take?  Or maybe it was related to the Chinese herbs I had begun that month?  In any case, it was very strange and like nothing I had experienced before.

That was 13 days ago.  My OPKs this cycle tried to confuse me with several light lines, sometimes a bit darker, but always significantly less than the test line.  Finally, I saw a dark line on Thursday morning and went in for the IUI yesterday.  This is cause for celebration!  I finally got an IUI in on a "bump cycle," following a medicated cycle.  There was a lot of psychological weight around that for me, for whatever reason, and it helps me feel like we made our best effort to conceive with my own eggs.  Other things I'm doing right now to give a best effort:

• Added Fish Oil and Wheatgrass to my load o' daily supplements (currently: DHEA, COQ10, vitamin D3, L-Arginine, prenatal, baby aspirin).

• Seeing a "real" acupuncturist every week or so, which includes electro-stimulation, heat lamps, and lots of needles.

• As mentioned above, I have also added Chinese herbs under the care of my acupuncturist.

• Listening to hypnotherapy fertility meditation at night, as I go to sleep.  Just started this one.  Thanks Honesty for the tip!

I will try and do better with posting updates over the next couple of weeks.  S and I head off to the big Transition/Permaculture conference next weekend, so I'm gearing up for that and preparing to lead the Saturday opening circle.  S will be moderating a political panel.  We had a rough time this week but, after some open talking and a counseling session (for him) today, we are in a good place.  Having some adult time today was wonderful - and helped with the ttc efforts, as well!

Happy Beginning of Fall to Everyone!

Seeking Simplicity

Oh Lord, why can't things be more simple?

I have been testing twice a day since Saturday, still no positive on the OPKs (doing two types - no smiley face and no darker second line).  My body, on the other hand, seems to be telling me I ovulated yesterday morning.   My breasts have been sore for the last few days - they never normally get sore before my ovulation, but I understand this can happen.  I had a headache all day yesterday.  On an odd side note, I had a double dose of my normal sexy feelings on Friday/Saturday.  Lastly, my temperature went up a couple of tenths yesterday and a fraction of a tenth again today.  It seems like my hormones are still a bit revved up from the medicated cycle last month, but there seem to be indicators pointing to ovulating yesterday, don't you agree?

We were trying to avoid a lot of monitoring this cycle, but I concede the picture is much less clear without it.  I just wanted a simple positive OPK-do the trigger shot-go in for an IUI the next day cycle.  Is that too much to ask?  Yes, apparently it is.

We leave for our trip tomorrow mid-day.  If I don't get a positive OPK this evening, then we will forgo the IUI and hope for the best.  If I get a positive, then I'll do the trigger shot and we'll go for the IUI right before driving to the airport - which would be a bit crazy but worth it to bypass by difficult cervix and give things more of a chance.  S and I have been covering the bases with BDing, so if they can fight their way through...

On a more positive note, the talk with the NVC support person went well.  She suggested I might choose to celebrate the intense relationship I had with R in my early 20's, in which I was able to feel such excitement and abandon (which may lead to some letting go).  Considering how poorly things went in our second try a few years ago, these feelings are clearly more specific to that past relationship and who I/we were then, versus any lasting reality.

I can also continue to ask myself whether I can be present in my relationship with S and fully experience love with him, allowing all of who he is, including faults, and all our relationship brings to my life.  Am I able to open to that kind of love right now, in this moment?  Maybe not, but I hope that I am.

On his part, he had a realization that he was subconsciously testing me in certain ways, and he thinks that our honest conversation last night may well help tone down the fighting we can fall into.

Another Positive Sign - Updated

Another positive sign: I have a tri-phasic chart, according to Fertility Friend!  Do you guys think it looks like I ovulated when I thought I did?  It was a mini-rise, but from what I understand, any sustained rise is ovulatory.  I don't really have any big symptoms right now, though.  The headache has gone away and no breast soreness today, either.  I decided I don't want to POAS until after tomorrow, if I know that I am late.

* Added chart as a picture - forgot I needed to do that.  I'm having some crampy feelings so not as up at the moment.  This is such a roller coaster.

Wine Tasting and Long-Due Relief

 

S and I ventured up north to Sonoma for a wine tasting getaway this weekend, using our Sonoma Pass.port for discounts.  We left late Saturday morning and got home Sunday evening, hitting various wineries on both days.  We'd had the trip planned for months, but because S started a new job and is trying to complete other freelance work, he tried to postpone it a week.  I have to admit, I was not the understanding girlfriend, as I'd really been looking forward to it!  He agreed it was right that we go since we'd had it planned, which was cool, and we ended up having a fabulous time.

I guess I should backtrack at this point and explain how the ex conflict resolved itself.... Yes, we came to an agreement finally!  I think I shared that in our final counseling session a couple of weeks ago, he agreed to respond to my email proposal that he talk to the ex every three or four months.

Now, I knew this wasn't going to be an acceptable offer... maybe that makes me an inexperienced negotiator.  I was thinking that you propose what you ideally want even if it's off the chart of what you think they'll accept, and then they make a counter offer and maybe you go back and forth a couple of times.

Anyway, I think my initial offer was probably a bit too extreme, and he said later he felt like I was basically proposing he cut off all communication.  So, after our session, he avoided responding for a few days, then came back with an email that said some reassuring and affirming things about his feelings and commitment to me, as well as offers of transparency (telling me about any contact) and talking to me before making any commitments (to help with something or whatever).  He suggested, however, that communication frequency stay as is and fade gradually over time.

People, including my brother, advised that I might just accept this, but you know how sometimes you just know you can't tolerate something?  Like you feel it physically - that it's just not right and you emotionally can't handle it?  Well, that's how I felt.  From my perspective, I had forgiven a lot in the past and "put up with" the anxiety around his ongoing connection to her more than I should have had to.  I wanted him to prove that he could and would compromise to help me feel safe.  So when he didn't give anything on the frequency, I balked and pulled back for a few days. 

During this time, I did some serious reflection, including seeing a counselor once on my own to both get some empathy around the situation, but also gain more clarity about my own issues.  I realized that I was trying to deny that he had deep care and concern for his ex-wife because that felt threatening.  Well, as we all know, denying something does not make it untrue.  So, I came to an uneasy acceptance of that, which felt like an important step.

Also, I acknowledged that I have never had a relationship longer than a couple of years, nor ever been married, so my experience and ability to truly understand his situation is limited.  Finally, regarding my own fears, I received more normalization about my sex drive not being perpetually set to "on"; that it's okay and very common to not be in the mood sometimes.  I think because S seems most often in the mood, and because of some previous dysfunctional patterns I had in relationship, I can feel like something is "wrong" if I don't feel raring to go all the time.  This new perspective takes pressure off, and I was later able to talk with him about it in a healthy way.

In any case, when we came back together last Wednesday night to discuss things, I felt pretty self-connected.  Our conversation started rocky and somewhat defensive, but after a while I had an outburst about my frustration around dealing with the situation for so long and wanting a loving relationship and the ability to trust and relax, etc., and why couldn't he give a little, even to two or three weeks (in communication frequency)?  At which point, he finally let go of his stance and said that he could do two or three weeks (along with the other agreements).  What a freakin' relief!  It felt so good to come together, and I knew at that point that we were going to be okay.

So this weekend was a celebration of sorts, I guess, and a culmination of plans we had made a long time ago.  We had great conversations about our activist plans around Key.stone XL, previous relationship history, the source of our wanting to become parents, and more, as well as just having lots of flirtation and relaxed fun.  One of the wineries was beautiful.  We hit it on a sunny day in the early afternoon and were able to take our last wine tasting out onto the property and walk around a bit.  You can't beat that feeling!  *Afterwards, there might have been some making out in the car. :)

We brought Zoey again and she did great, though she continues to not eat as much while we're away.  I give her regular treats to supplement.  We've perfected the art of playing ball in a hotel room!

Oh, and oddly, I think I ovulated on Saturday morning (Day 9 of the cycle starting when I went off BCPs for my surgery).  My temp went up a bit that day and all the way up on Sunday.  I may have missed the window, since we didn't BD until Saturday night, but fingers crossed, maybe it was just on time.  It would be a great story!

MRI Dropout

After my hysteroscopy on Tuesday morning, during which my doctor could not locate the larger fibroid seen on the ultrasound, she ordered an MRI to gather more information about whether it was located in the uterine wall in a place that might impede implantation. 

Said MRI was SUPPOSED to be yesterday, but guess who couldn't hack the lengthy entrapment in a solid metal tube?  That would be Moi. 

As a partial excuse, I may have lasted longer if I had known more about the timeframe and steps involved.  As it was, I thought it was kind of like getting an xray, but you're in this tube thing, taking about as long as the MRIs I see on an episode of "House" or something.  Yeah, clueless. 

Did you know that you have to be in that claustrophobic piece of crap for up to 20 or more minutes?  How do people even do that?  But if I had known that there would be several pinging/buzzing MRI picture-taking sessions, each a few minutes in length, well, I could have at least mentally prepared for it, or likely requested drugs of some sort (or inquired about an "open MRI," which I hear is not really open but at least a bit more spacious). 

As it was, when I was all prepped and slid into the tube, I withstood a couple pinging sessions and started to freak out.  I was thinking to myself, "This thing should be about over now, right?"  So, I called the techs name and asked how much longer.  When he said up to 20 minutes, I really freaked the F out and said, "I need out!"  At which point, to his credit, he had me out of there PDQ.  Kinda traumatic all around, though. 

S was very supportive afterwards and went with me to have drinks and decompress.  I'm frustrated they didn't set me up for better success.  I did mark "claustrophobic" on the form, but it seems he didn't take that seriously? or maybe he didn't see it?  But I'm also really disappointed that we weren't able to get the data needed to decide how to handle this fibroid.  I called and emailed my doctor yesterday afternoon but haven't heard anything back.  I guess I probably won't until Monday. :(

On a tiny note of hope, I did ovulate yesterday, according to temperatures.  S and I decided to try, on the off chance that his guys could survive the - TMI alert - old blood heavy spotting still happening from my hysteroscopy.  During the procedure Tuesday, the doctor did comment that my lining was thick.  It makes me wonder how thick my lining is normally, without being on birth control pills for the first week of my cycle!  I'm sure the chances are miniscule, but it still feels good to take whatever chances we might have.

One other point about the hysteroscopy:  the doctor saw three polyps but said they shouldn't interfere with implantation and that one had a "thick stem" and would be difficult to remove.  She also wanted to see what was going on with the fibroid prior to any treatment.  I was bummed she couldn't just take them out, though.

Good Timing

Knocking on wood over here, but I think the IUI was timed very well.  It feels so good to think the timing might finally have been right, after five prior IUIs that all felt like they were done somewhat late. 

I saw the surge on an OPK Tuesday night, which I think means I was well on my way to surging on my own, if not already there, when I did the HCG trigger shot.  Then, Wednesday morning, my temperature showed a dip, and I did the IUI later that day.  This morning, my temperature rose by two and a half tenths.  So, I'm thinking the sp.erm might have arrived a few hours before the egg.  It could have been a half day prior, though, which might be pushing it on timing with a frozen sample.  What do you think about the timing?

I taught my middle school classes today.  This morning, I felt quite a bit of uncomfortable cramping.  Not unbearable, and I didn't need to take anything, but definitely uncomfortable and somewhat intense at times.  No bleeding though.  Has anyone else experience this?  By afternoon, I was fine.  It maybe have been uterine irritation, or reaction to the sp.erm, or possibly ovulation?  I hope it wasn't ovulation, as that would put it on the late side.  It felt more uterine than ovary-based, so I think it was some kind of irritation/reaction. 

Luckily, I'm not working at the college or middle school tomorrow.  I'll be doing computer work for my other job and catching up on things around the house, but don't have to drive anywhere, thank God.  I've done WAY too much commuting back and forth in rush hour traffic the past three days.  How do people do that every day, like with the long commutes of an hour or more?  Blech.  Grateful to have some home time.

Labor Day Drama and Positive OPKs

Hey, I'm almost to my 200th post!  That's sounds pretty cool.  This is 199, so I'll have a little festive aspect to the next entry. 

Hope everyone is having a nice Labor Day weekend.  I went to dance, as usual, yesterday, then a few of us went over to the nearby park for a picnic.  It was a gorgeous day and fun to kick back in the sunny warmth and just talk and snack. 

Z, who leads the dance had me cracking up with his stories about a camp he use to attend called "plantation farm" or something.  It had another word in it that I can't remember, but a California camp with the word "plantation" in it just doesn't sound right.  And he said he and the other kids used to do all the farm chores, like feeding the pigs and milking the goats, etc.  These were the "camp activities."  Now, doesn't that sound more like "free labor for the owners" camp?  Then, he was saying they used to sing a song with the names "Cocaine Jim" and "Morphine Sue" or something.  What happened to, "The other day I met a bear," and, "The wishy-washy washer woman"?  I've been to camp; I know what "normal" camp is like!  lol  Not sure if the humor is coming across, but it was pretty funny at the time.

Today, I'm planning to attend a potluck and games gathering through the Non-Viol.ent Communication social network group I'm part of.  Guess who's going to be there?  Yep, S (formerly known as Sound Healing Chocolate Man).  He actually emailed me last week, after seeing I was signed up to attend, to tell me he was happy to not sign up if I would feel more comfortable.  I had been thinking about the situation because his name had started to come up among friends.  I knew he had been at recent events where I easily could have been there too but hadn't for one reason or another. 

I will say that my anger over his various acts of betrayal (the most recent being his bail-out a few months ago of our agreement to "try again" for a couple of months), has pretty much dissipated.  I definitely have felt "over him" for quite a while but still felt some anger when he wrote an email back in June suggesting we should be ready to move on and be friends, and that we might write a book together.  The man was cray cray!  I didn't respond.  But more time passed and it now feels somewhat inevitable that we "bury the hatchet," as it were. 

So, I emailed back and we went to dinner Friday night and talked.  It was good.  He said he'd made some headway with his "despair work," as he's now calling it, which he feels played a big role in our relationship and final break up.  Don't worry, I did hold his feet to the fire and say I wanted him to take responsibility for the deception.  There is no excuse for keeping the facts about his ex-girlfriend's visit secret for several months (how does someone even do that?) or for not telling me earlier that he planned to move and that he wanted to end our "trying again" effort.   That was in the works for at least a week or more and, during that time, we had been talking. 

The phrase that has come up for me around the betrayals and their devastating impact on me and our relationship was that, "It didn't have to be that way."  And I truly believe that.  If he would have been honest and upfront about things, I wouldn't have felt so blindsided, and we wouldn't have blown apart as we did more than once.  In any case, things happened the way they did and we are where we are. 

We had some heart connection during the talk, once when I said I felt sad that he had seen me as the enemy.  He reached out and we held hands in that way you do when you're broken up and you're sad about losing the good parts and you wish it could have been different.    We also both agreed that the insecurity we both felt indicated a real issue - that something was not right around that reality.  It shouldn't be that way, you know? 

So, the talking was good, and we plan to have another conversation in the next week.  Believe me, I have no intention to consider getting back together, and I doubt I even want to be friends because friendship requires trust.  But I would like to be able to be congenial at events and meetings.  I think today at the event will be okay, but we'll see.  I know a lot of people there, so that will help.

Regarding my ovulation timing crisis, I did take an OPK this morning, and guess what?  It showed a light line.  So, sure enough, I bet it's going to be dark by tomorrow... which means I should trigger then and inseminate at my Wednesday appointment.  Or at least that's what I'm thinking.  I have a call and email into my doctor's office, so hopefully they'll get back to me first thing tomorrow morning.  Doing my first injection tonight anyway.  Finger crossed!

Potential Crisis of Timing?

I was just calendaring my next monitoring appointment, scheduled for Wednesday, when I realized that it falls on Day 12 of my cycle.  In the recent past, I ovulated as early as Day 10!  My average ovulation day, however, is Day 13...

I don't understand how the monitoring and cycle timing works if you're not suppressing ovulation.  You can't exactly hold the train for other follicles to catch up or that sort of thing.  My protocol includes a trigger shot.  Does ovulation occur predictably at a certain follicle size, so the doctor could tell if I'm about to ovulate on my own?  And isn't it possible that I might "prematurely ovulate" for lack of a better phrase?

Perhaps I'm over-thinking?  It wouldn't be the first time!

I survived this long a** bus trip, and all I got was a drunken harmonica serenade.

Well, I survived two days of bus commuting to work.  The first day was chaotic trying to figure everything out (I took two buses and one rapid transit train to get there), but the timing went as well as it could have at about an hour and 15 minutes to an hour and a half each way (It normally takes me 30-40 minutes in the car).   My "rookie bus rider" credentials, however, were definitely on fine display!  Running here, running there, trying to put my transfer in the dollar bill slot, hitting the side of the bus when it's just driving up five feet to the correct boarding area, etc.  Super cool.

The second day was okay getting there (though I did get on one wrong bus and had to get off, cross the street, and switch) but coming back, what a nightmare!  I think one of the buses didn't come for some reason so there were tons of people waiting at every stop and pretty soon the bus was crammed with people: professional commuters, teens, moms and little kids, elderly folks, drunk possibly homeless men playing the harmonica and singing, "Leave me alooone, why dontcha leave me alooone!" over and over.   Yes, the latter was in fact experienced by me and all the other lucky folks on Bus 57 in Oakland at 5 p.m.  Good stuff! ha!  That "special" commute took me almost two hours! 

I definitely learned a lot.  Bus drivers put up with tons of crap, and they really keep this city running.  A lot of people depend on them to get around, and they mean business in getting where they need to go.  I'm glad to know that I CAN commute to work on public transportation, even if I'd be fine if I never had to do it again.  And boy did it make me appreciate my car and realize how very much I, and most people, rely on cars to get around. 

After that marathon commute, I walked on over to the local auto mechanic to check on my car, which was ready.  The body work isn't done but, in addition to replacing the crushed-in radiator, he stretched out the hood, got new hinges (the whole hood had been shoved back, ruining the old hinges), and got the hood to passably close.  It still has little cracks on the sides but at least it's on there well and latched.  AND, he accepted partial payment, the rest to be paid in two weeks!  Can you believe it?  He's a total neighborhood mechanic, with good local relationships and a very neighborly attitude.  I will not forget this and will totally refer people to him.  What a great guy.

No ttc for me this coming cycle, though.  I'll be waiting until after my appointment on the 15th, then going on from there.  I have no idea when my period is going to start this month.  Ovulation is hard to predict just looking at my bbt chart.  I don't think Fertility Friend is right in saying I ovulated on Cycle Day 22, though.  My bet is on Day 18, which makes this 10 dpo versus 6 dpo.  I had that weird slow temp rise, like the egg was taking it's time releasing or got stuck.  My body had such a huge surge of HCG last month, I can see why it would be confused.  My temps are nice and high now though.

I started taking Myo-inositol and Melatonin, along with the DHEA, COQ10, Vitamin D and Prenatal.  I looked it up and it's part of the famed Denver CCRM recommended protocol, so it has to have some merit, right?  I don't think it will hurt, and maybe it will help.  You know, a lot of these supplements actually have anti-cancer and heart healthy benefits, which it kind of interesting to me.  The more conscious "fertility" (i.e. healthy) diet plus health supplements add up to me living more healthy than I would otherwise.  Maybe I'm just trying to find the silver lining in trying all these years and not succeeding. 

I'm very sad about two blogger friends' pregnancies ending.  I was optimistic about both of them, and it's a shock and just so unfair.  I'm thinking of them a lot.

Weekend, 3 DPO

My weekend was a good one.  I attended the performance of an Inter.play theatre troupe, called Wing It, Friday night.  The title of the show was, "God, Sex, and Power," so you know there were some juicy stories.  One of the troupe members recently moved back to Africa after getting married and shared a story about homophobia and prejudice in his community, and how he wants to work to change that.  And one piece in which people were sharing about their questions and relationship with God really resonated.  Trying to make meaning and believe that there is a plan for me...

Yesterday, I attended an SMC brunch and met a bunch of interesting, cool women, many with babies in tow.  You should have heard the savvy language we were rocking in that room.  We could have been doctors!  The women responded positively when they heard the number of eggs I had, though a couple of them did go to donor eggs at younger ages than mine.  They encouraged me to just "keep trying," which is easier said than done financially, but it did bolster me to try again a time or two if needed (knock on wood).

I'm particularly excited about a conversation I had with a couple women who live near me and are about to begin trying.  We talked about child care options like nanny care and cooperative child care and also good neighborhoods for school districts and raising kids.  At the end, we said we would get together again soon and continue the conversation.

Another highlight was holding a little red-haired guy, about six months old, who was so mellow and sweet.  Is there any better smell than baby? (assuming their diaper has been changed recently. hehe)  I would love it if my baby had red hair, though this mom was a bit concerned he might get picked on.  I would never have thought of that possibility.

On the IUI front, I've been taking vaginal progesterone two times a day since Friday evening.  I'm definitely noticing some effects.  My breasts are quite sore, and I've had a bit of abdominal cramping.  At first, of course, I thought, "ooh, maybe it's implantation!"  But first of all, it's too early, and second, I read online that progesterone can cause this symptom, as well.  I've been more hungry I would say, too, and a little more crabby.  Nothing too bad, yet. 

I'm going to try and include my chart.  To me it looks like I may have just ovulated on Thursday before the IUI, but I'm not sure I can trust the temps, with medication and all things considered.  I still feel hopeful about the timing.  Any thoughts?

Pregnant with Possibilities

I'm so tired right now.  Yesterday, career fair.  Today, science and math conference.  Both for middle school young'uns.  Both actually fun, engaging, purposeful.  But also high octane energy!

Then, tomorrow, I'm co-facilitating the Inner Transition workshop I mentioned.  We have 20 participants!  Woo hoo!  But it feels a bit overwhelming at the moment.  I think maybe some meditation, some TV chilling and a fairly early bedtime are in order this evening.  First, however, I need to write out a few notes about what I will say at certain points tomorrow....

Other exciting happenings and potentialities:

• At the conference today, one of the other counselors recommended to our Dean that I be switched to working with the high schools (involving college matriculation process and teaching some career and CTE - Career Tech.nical Education - classes).  I could have kissed her!  So very, very cool that she did this!  The Dean apparently said, "What about N (my boss)?" and the counselor said, "She can submit a posting for the job."  And the Dean said, "Oh, okay," or something relatively positive like that.  

• Anyway, this counselor recommending me is a big deal because she is well-loved there and has a close relationship with the Dean.  Please think good thoughts!  Though I've come to love my little pre-teensters, teaching 40 of them in this set curriculum, with all the behavior management involved, is not playing to my strengths.  I can do it for a while longer but would so like to shift to older youth, who are more ready to be thinking seriously about their lives and careers.

• On the ttc front, my two test results both came back negative, which I guess is a good thing.  They were:  Lup.us Coagulant and Cardio.lipin Antibody (Cardio.lipin AB, serum).  Anybody know much about these tests?  I guess they have to do with immunological and clotting issues.

• I can't believe I might be doing another donor IUI soon.  But that seems to be where my path is leading at the moment.  And, though I don't prefer it, I will go forward with it if possible, at the same time I continue to explore other avenues.  Speaking of which, nothing much happening on the co-parent front.  The L.A. guy is still coming Memorial Day, and there is one decent-seeming guy (graduate degree, attractive, sounds sane) in Sacramento who wants to meet, so we'll see.

• Meanwhile, I have a huge crush on a Latino gentleman in my theatre class who is studying to become a Jesuit priest.  What?  Yep, that's right.  Ridiculous, people, my love life is currently ridiculous.

p.s. I'm about to ovulate and I really wish I could do something about it!

Post-Holiday Gratitude

Well, my updating intentions flew out the window!  Sorry for my unkept promises; I'll try to do a three-in-one post.

Spending time with sh/cm's family was remarkably comfortable and easy.  Though different than me (she's a pediatrician) and profusely talkative, sh/cm's brother's wife, L, and I get along great.  She's very family-focused, and we talk a lot about her boys, their family trips (they've been all over the world - and to most of the National Parks in the greater U.S.), my relationship with sh/cm and her relationship with her husband, D, and various social issues and ideas.  She's a few years older than me but so are a lot of my friends.  

Sh/cm's dad was not the easiest person with which to connect, but he was very kind and welcoming to me. He and his wife, sh/cm's step-mother, have a traditional relationship, and there's definitely a "head of the household" mantle he carries around with him.  One example of the traditional gender-role culture in their house occurred after Thanksgiving dinner and involved me and L in the kitchen scrubbing and drying dishes, while the step-mom bustled around cleaning the rest of the kitchen, and the menfolk sat at the dining room table relaxing and reading the paper.  Grrr.  Sh/cm heard about that one later, for sure!

Anyway, overall it was a nice trip.  Other highlights included:  seeing sh/cm connect with his half-sister's  three boys, especially the oldest one (watching/listening to them play the game of Life was sweet, and I loved seeing sh/cm's patience and care); traditional Thanksgiving dinner of turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, sweet potatoes, green beans with bacon, cranberry jelly, rolls, and pecan pie with ice cream - OMG; a gorgeous forest hike above a local Sacramento river with kids, parents, and an elder all looking out for one another and conversing amicably; finishing the weekend playing laser tag with sh/cm, his father, brother, and several nephews (I was a fun target as I could not help screaming as I ran away).

The other side of the our time near Sacramento involved sh/cm and my stay in a historic downtown Placerville hotel Wednesday and Thursday nights.  We had some amazing talks throughout the weekend about our family histories, the future of civilization, family dynamics and issues (processing our visits with his family worked much better than when we were in Eugene with my family for some reason), AND we managed to fulfill our efforts at trying to conceive in what seems to be perfect timing and flow.   

I forgot my bbt thermometer, of course, so I don't know for sure when I ovulated, but the OPK was negative Wednesday morning and positive Thursday - and I'm pretty sure I felt the famed Mittelschmerz twinges on Wednesday later in the day and on Thursday.  When I got him Friday night, I took my temperature and it indicated there had been a rise that morning/day, and this morning was clearly in the higher post-ovulation range.  I'm glad we had separate accommodations those evenings!  

TMI alert:  I stayed with my hips raised for a while each time, as well, which I don't always do, and we also practiced the "have an orgasm afterwards to draw the sperm up into the uterus" technique on our last night.  I'm feeling quite optimistic about our efforts.

We got back into town around 8:30 p.m. last night.  I'm spending the day by myself at my house (currently sitting in the sun at the kitchen table drinking a pineapple/orange/banana smoothie) and he at his, then we will be reuniting for a date night tonight.  Feeling post-holiday gratitude for my relationship with sh/cm.

Thanksgiving in Sacramento

Zucchini bread's made, laundry's done.  Staying up too late watching the Dancing with the Stars Finale.

Sh/cm and I are leaving tomorrow afternoon for his father and step mother's house in Sacramento.  I've never met his Dad so am looking forward to that and to seeing how sh/cm and he are together.  His brother and family from San Diego, as well as his half-brother and half-sister and her kids, will be there too.

Apparently his half-sister just broke up with a man she'd only recently moved in with, and it's been hard on her kids (3 boys!).  Sh/cm has talked about wanting us to possibly spend time with the kids and play a role in their lives, but I'm not clear whether his sister wants that or not.  We'll see how things go.

Looks like a holiday ovulation schedule. so that should be interesting.

We have a hotel room for Wednesday and Thursday night (sh/cm usually sleeps on the couch but that didn't sound fun for the both of us), which will be nice.

I'll update tomorrow from over the hills and through the woods. . .

TTC Check-In

Just a short ttc (trying to conceive) post tonight, then off to bed.  

No ovulation in sight after testing today and yesterday.  Historically, this is very early in my cycle to test, but I had that one cycle with ovulation on Day 10 recently so I'm playing it safe.  

I didn't take Femara again this cycle and haven't heard back from the doctor's office as to whether they received my records/labs yet.  I will follow up tomorrow and either schedule some lab tests or make an appointment.  

All things considered, I guess we are trying harder than last month in that I'm tracking ovulation more closely (and thus we're timing our tries more accurately).  

But it still feel like a mellow, "in limbo"-type month.  

The Cute and the Weird

Posting the final post of October 2011.  I'm still deciding whether to join NaBloPoMo for November, the biggest month.  I haven't seemed to get much increased traffic from participating, but maybe I'm not as active as I would need to be to really reap the benefits?

Part of the challenge is that there doesn't seem to be a "good fit" category for my non-Niche blog.  It would probably best fit in a "trying to conceive" category right now.  Either that, or a dating/relationship category, but neither of those seem to exist.  Just "Family" and "General" and "Niche," but Niches seems to Nichey for my blog.  lol

Anyway, on to this final October post.

So I ended up giving some candy out tonight, though I hadn't planned on it, because my housemate got back earlier than I expected and sort of encouraged me (encouraged me and then left to go out to dinner, but it still worked).  And also I ended up being home during the prime hours and happened to find a bag of Hershey's kisses and some other candy and pencils left over from teaching to add to the mix.

We don't get many trick-or-treaters anyway, so my measly loot lasted until a little after 8 p.m., at which time I turned off the porch light and blew out the pumpkin.

The smaller kids who came early on were the cutest: little princesses and animal babies with shy, barely heard, "trick or treat"s.  Because they hadn't yet learned procedure, some of them said it in tandem with knocking, which was too cute.

In other (ttc) news - sorry for TMI and I won't be offended if you stop reading here - I saw some tannish color on the tissue earlier this evening.  It's only 2-3 dpo so it can't possibly be implantation bleeding, right?  Has anyone else experienced this?  I've never had this happen so early in my cycle.  So I'm somewhat befuddled, but trying to just forget about it and chalk it up to hormones or stress or something.

I teach tomorrow so will be going to bed at the semi-ridiculously early hour of 10 or 10:30 p.m. tonight.  I hope the little devils are kind to me again this week!  At least I have an hour and a half lunch this cycle, so I have a Vietnamese lunch with my Teaching Assistant to look forward to, in between periods of cramming in a career interest assessment that should really take twice as long as the timeframe we are given.

Ups and Downs

Brief ttc report:  several tenth temperature rise this morning, so it looks likely that ovulation occurred yesterday.  I saw a light line on the OPK (you know, the one I wasn't going to use?) on Friday and an even lighter one yesterday morning, so the LH "surge" likely happened late in the day Friday.  I only tested in the morning, though, so I'm not sure.

Bad news report:  my car was towed from the BART parking lot yesterday afternoon because of an event held there.  There were definitely no signs there as warning, and from talking with other people during the ordeal of getting our cars out of the towing lot to the tune of $400 (extortion!), there were no signs until an hour or two prior to when they started towing.  This sounds illegal to me!

Anyway, one of the unlucky folks in our predicament gathered all our names and says she will be filing some sort of legal action.  I'm definitely going to follow up as this is beyond unjust.  If sh/cm hadn't been there to help me, I would not have had the resources to bail my poor car out of the pokey and would then have continued to be charged a fee each day until I could do so!

Halloween Weekend

I'm writing this post from the couch, where I can periodically look up and through the French doors to where my candle-lit pumpkin sits grinning at me slyly from the back deck.

Weekend plans include:

• Eat dinner with sh/cm's brother and his brother's wife (and his step-brother), in town for their two boys' water polo tournament (done).
• Make yummy breakfast tomorrow morning, including blueberry pancakes and eggs with kale from the garden.
• Go running and color my hair.
• Sunday morning Farmer's Market and dance/workout, followed by, later that afternoon, a movie on the Keystone XL Pipeline situation (big action in DC on November 6th!).  
• Then, finally, a pumpkin carving party at a friend's house that evening.

Looks like my LH surge is barely beginning this morning, so my plans may need to incorporate a bit of "trying" in that arena, as well!

Ovulation: Check!

Temperature rise this morning to 97.9.  Negative OPK later last night, so the surge was definitely night before last into yesterday morning.

Sh/cm and I covered the fertile days, and I feel optimistic about this cycle for a few reasons: the longer follicular phase is a positive, clocking in at 13 days; it was my first month taking Femara again; and it's been almost three months since I started taking DHEA and COQ10, which they say take three months to work their magic on egg quality.

I will be distracted for the first part of this two-week-wait with our trip to Oregon, beginning Friday morning.  Our ritual visit to the pizza parlor fell by the wayside last cycle, so I'm excited to pick that up again next week when we return.  lol

Curious who else out there might be navigating the luteal phase, between ovulation and the end of your cycle, or, God-willing, a positive pregnancy test?  How are you feeling?  What are your survival plans?

The line! The line!

Please excuse the cheesy 80's reference to Fantasy Island!  

But I am excited to report that there was an official, strong second-line sighting on the OPK (ovulation predictor kit) this evening, so I'm right back on track with follicular phase length.  

Sh/cm and I, ahem, baby danced, or whatever the kids are calling it these days, this morning, so the "window of peak fertility" as they say is off to a good start. :)

p.s. I'm chagrined to admit that I paid $5 for one of those conception prediction websites: 

ttcbabylov​eprediction​s.com

And she predicted I would conceive this coming December or January, or give birth in December or January of next year, and that she sees a girl.  I did it mainly for fun, but I'm posting this for tracking purposes, just in case . . .

Between Exes

Today, sh/cm and I were stuck between exes.

We started the day with a long conversation about his ex-wife, who is coming for two weeks in January for work.  Before we were together, he promised to help her with an audio aspect of her accent book, creating a recording of an American accent.  I guess.

Then we spent the afternoon at his ex-girlfriend's birthday party - the relationship he had prior to me.  We emerged from both these experiences in a remarkably positive place, though this morning's conversation was especially difficult.

I agreed to "let" him work with her, with the agreement that he will tell her this will be his final project assisting her.  Apparently, helping her in this way was a big part of their relationship, and he wanted to honor this final commitment (in part, out of guilt for abruptly closing the door on romantic possibilities with her in order to commit to me, which I talked about in a post back in June).

For a while in our process around this, I felt like he was choosing his friendship/loyalty to her over his relationship with me.  I wanted him to let go of his attachment to doing it so that we could openly discuss our feelings and needs before making a decision.  In the end, it does seem like this train has travelled too far down the track, and I agreed to go along with it.  But only after he had shared in a vulnerable way how he had developed this pattern of making solo decisions and talked about how he knew he needed and wanted to change this pattern for the benefit of our relationship going forward.

Anyway, after we worked our way through that maze, we went to Farmer's Market then jaunted off to his other ex's house for a lovely party.  It was surprisingly meaningful and enjoyable.  A lot of the folks there were from the local Non-Violent Communication community, and I knew a few of them and liked all the rest.

We participated in a "Giving Circle," in which each of us shared needs with the group, as well as things we wanted to offer to others.  I came away with a Life/Career Coaching Session, massage, and a Sand Tray Therapy Session.  Cool, no?  In return, I'm giving a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator assessment, an empathy session, and help with organizing a studio apartment.

After the party, we raced over to the Art in Nature festival, which was potentially awesome but in the throes of wrapping up.  There, we ran into the guy who caused strife between sh/cm and I a while back when he got the hots for me at my friend K's party and proceeded to talk about these feelings in his men's group, of which sh/cm was a member.  Random.

An overall kickin' day considering we spent much of it bouncing between exes and ghosts from the past.  For dinner, I made delicious Eggplant Almond Enchiladas from the Moosewood Cookbook using tomatoes and eggplants from our garden.  Yummy.

For those of you on the ttc track, I still haven't gotten a positive on the OPK, here now on Cycle Day 12.  

And I wanted to ask:  have any of you taken Femara?  If so, did it raise your basal body temperature, if you temp?  My temperature today was 97.7 and yesterday 97.9, several tenths above what it normally is at this time.  I'm thinking it has to be the Femara. . .