Mega-Stressful Week

Happy May, Everyone!

I just got through a mega-stressful week with my counseling interview Wednesday.  I was so stressed and nervous and had to acknowledge it in the interview when my hand was shaking when I took a drink of water.  The content included normal interview-type questions, plus a role play, plus a 10-minute teaching demonstration.  I practiced the teaching demonstration a lot - it was on one of my favorite subjects, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator personality assessment - and think that I did quite well on that part.  I felt I rocked the questions, too... but the role play?  Not so much.  I just plain didn't understand the setup and that I was supposed to look up information and make a sample Education Plan ahead of time.  So, in the interview, I was deprived of a catalog and obviously didn't have access to a computer to look up information, which is completely unnatural and not a fair representation of my abilities.  I'm kicking myself because I know NOW what I should have done and wish I could go back.  Oh well.  I did as well as I could without knowing the specific class information.

I think regardless of what happens, it was a good idea that I applied and interviewed because: 1. They know I care about the job and have ambition; and 2. I got some good practice should I choose to apply again.  Also, through working with the counselors this semester in students services (as CTE counselors, we worked in a separate building across campus from student services), the interview process, and then today working as a team on the annual Super Saturday registration event on our campus, I feel a sense of belonging and like I am getting to know people better and feel more comfortable around them.  That makes work more fun!

The week was also stressful because it was the last week of normal class for the course I'm teaching, and I crammed almost 30 student presentations into two days.  It was intense, but also kinda fun.  Oh, and I was skating on financial fumes because so many bills came through last month.  Thank God, it was the last EOL payment!

In positive financial news, I think I mentioned I'm going to get quite a few hours this summer, and I'll also be teaching three Counseling orientation classes, which are either taught over two shorter days or one long day.  It will be nice to make more money, aided by the fact I do not have to pay my almost $400/mo healthcare payment over the summer months, as it's divided over the rest of the year when they know people are working.  Many people don't work in the summer and the campus will be more quiet.  I'm looking forward to the more mellow atmosphere.  I'm nervous to teach the orientations, which I've not taught before, but I sat in on another colleagues class which helped.  And it's only one or two days - 6 hours - so how bad could it be?  I have a PowerPoint I can fall back on if need be and I can do some fun interactive activities, as well.  Okay, thanks for listening as I talked myself into it!  :-)

After my class is over, at the end of this month over Memorial Day weekend, I'm going to drive up to Oregon again with Zoey.  As usual, I can't wait to see my nieces and nephew, who I can tell from pictures have grown a LOT.  My littlest niece has reddish/strawberry blonde hair and is such a little cutie.  And my older niece and nephew are playing sports and looked darling participating in a recent Easter egg hunt.  My mom is soldiering through her chemo appointments.  Twice now she's had to go in the hospital when her temperature spiked.  I guess on chemo it's easy to get sick and much more dangerous if you do.  She was in for at least a week this last time but is now home.  She and my dad actually went to stay at a special hotel and go wine tasting for their 40th anniversary this weekend.

I kind of miss my EOL program, but my local "pod" got together this last Monday at one of the women's house and caught up with each other, made some art/creative scenes (like visualizing what you want), and ate dinner.  It was nice.  There are more events on the horizon, including a reunion get-together on June 7th up in Sonoma and a book group that starting up.

I'm still working with my last-assigned "buddy," K, exchanging mini-coaching sessions every two weeks.  So that helps keep my feet in the water.  I'm trying to motivate to eat and drink more consciously and up the health factor another degree.  I would like to drink kombucha instead of Diet Coke, but I will say that it's a hell of a lot more expensive!  He's also supporting me in envisioning the relationship I want to have with my Dad, as well as with my birth Mom.  Even though she passed away when I was young, I love the idea of creating space to connect with her and feel gratitude for all she gave me and the special relationship we shared - I think it would be really valuable for me to be able to tap into that on a regular basis.  He is a very sweet and loving guy, and I think I am supporting him, as well, through helping him with a work transition, his relationship with his pregnant fiance, and sharing coaching/career counseling tools.

I have a f#*kload of student papers to grade before Tuesday.  Wish me luck!  I do have a nice brunch scheduled for tomorrow with a friend.  Hope you all are having a fun weekend.

Happy Easter! And updates...

This is going to be a bit all over the place.  I haven't posted in a while and want to give updates on a few things.

I finished my Leadership program!  Yay!!! Six months did seem to go by quickly.  Such a blessing to go right into that program from my breakup with S.  I made some major shifts in awareness of patterns in my life and am working on changing those patterns, including not abandoning myself and staying aware of my needs when I'm working and in social situations.  And not "crashing into unconsciousness" when get home and overeating.  I'm exchanging career counseling for health coaching with one of my cohorts in the program, K (he's so sweet and very attractive - and young and engaged with a baby on the way :), which is exactly what I need and such great serendipity.

Also, I had my first Social Change Theatre Troupe meeting yesterday!  There were four of us and we did several theatre activities together and THREE of us led them!  This is so amazing to me because I've always longed to be part of a group in which others could lead, and it didn't always fall to me as it has in the past.  Woohoo!  The downside is that two of these folks are limited in their time commitment... but they still want to be involved and I'm going to continue reaching out to others and plan on meeting monthly to start with.

In other good news, I will have lots of work this summer!  Part of me wishes I could just take the summer off (I do have a couple trips planned), but I need to keep the money coming in and am grateful that we can actually work more hours than normal in the summer.  Maybe this will allow me to actually build a more solid reserve.  My financial aid is clamoring to begin payments, but I'm hoping I can defer a bit longer and will find out about that tomorrow.  I didn't get called in for an interview with one of the jobs I applied for - I didn't really expect it since I applied last minute and I know a lot of people were going for the job.  I'm still waiting to hear about the full-time job at the college where I work now but the situation is similar with lots of more experienced folks also having applied.  A co-worker told me of a few more open positions yesterday so I plan to check them out.

On a related note, I find it really interesting that most people I've talked to say that the most important thing in single parenting is having flexibility and TIME, not money.  Did I already talk about that here?  Not that I'm pursuing that track right now, but thinking of the future... And also, flexibility and time is just a general indicator of happiness.  I'd like to continue to build my career counseling clients (I have two right now) and continue my activism work.  That said, part of me is a bit torn about starting a full-time counseling gig... but I'm ready for a greater abundance of cash flow and life choices and am open to how that might happen.  Do any of you have advice based on your own experiences?

As far as I know, I will still need to move in July... my theatre friends who were here yesterday mentioned a place opening up in their building so I am going to follow up on that.  It would be so wonderful to live near close friends, and I have other friends in that neighborhood, as well.

Happy Easter to Everyone!!!  Hope you get some treats today.  I'm going dancing and then was invited last minute to a friend's house for dinner.  There will be a few little kiddos there, so that will be fun.  No hot dates lately, but an attractive Latino man expressed interest in me yesterday online. :)

EOL and Dating

My fifth out of six EOL leadership weekends was the best one yet in terms of the experience of being there and how I feel coming out of it.  One remarkable thing that happened was that I asked one of the men for feedback on when I shared the vulnerable experience with the whole group the prior weekend.  I had felt very raw coming out of that and realized that I needed to receive reflection and reassurance that what I shared would be honored and held with care.  I received all that and more, including his perception that all the men in the circle were tuned in to what I was saying and trying to hold space for me, and that what I shared mirrored a thread of what they had shared in the men's circle.  It was a truly wonderful and generous conversation and met all my needs for reassurance and care.  I feel so grateful.

Another significant insight was that I often feel the need to be "on" in my life and am scanning everyone looking for a connection.  This is exhausting, as is working to have everyone - including all my students - like me.  Not everyone will like me!  And I don't need to connect with everyone as I move through my day or walk across campus.  No wonder I come home from work and need to crash!  So my intention is to, as corny as it may sound, befriend myself and let myself off the hook to some degree.  I want to be my authentic self, and that includes being "on" at times and tuned in to my students, being playful, as well as being more quiet and inward at times - taking opportunities to be alone and "recharge" my energy.

On a lighter note, we also crawled, skipped, galloped and ran all around the property in our pod groups acting like various species of animals exploring nature.  It was silly and playful and there was lots of laughter.  At one point, we crashed in the grass of the meadow and exclaimed that being an animal was exhausting!  For the rest of the time, we just made animal sounds from a reclining position, including those of fish and sharks.  I am definitely feeling comfortable and a sense of trust with the "village" now that is really wonderful.

In ongoing dating adventures, I let the last guy I went on a date with know that I didn't feel there was quite enough attraction there to continue seeing each other romantically.  Not surprisingly, he wasn't interested in the friends track.  I have also been emailing with a couple other guys, both of whom seem more attractive and interesting to me.  I will likely talk to one of them on the phone today or tomorrow afternoon.  He suggested we talk on the phone after I asked him a couple questions about something he wrote in his profile about "8-hour parties," attending Burning Man, and being bohemian, as well as having a more regular Joe side.  I happen to know he works in strategic planning/public policy and is not a total flake, but I'm not sure what he means when he says these things... he recently went to a wedding in LA and said his group of friends hung out by the pool talking and did some dancing, so it didn't sound too crazy.  You just never know here in the Bay Area. :) I'll let you know what I find out and whether we end up meeting this Sunday.  He also surfs, which I find trés sexy...

The second guy is very cute, has a Ph.D. focusing in part on psychology, describes himself as athletic... and, comes with his own issue of possible concern: He says he has food/other allergies and gets migraines on a regular basis which somewhat limit his activities.  Kudos to him for being up front about it, but it's a little worrisome to know from the start that your partner is limited in the activities they can participate in with you.  He said in his profile that he would encourage his girlfriend to go do things with friends, but companionship in life - including in social and cultural activities - are a big part of the fun of relationship for me.  So, I also look forward to learning more about this topic when he and I meet next Wednesday.

Other than that, just generally enjoying Spring Break this week and the gorgeous weather we're having!  Hope you all are having a good week, too.

Epiphanies

This Ecology of Leadership program is turning out to be as much, if not more, about inner growth as it is about our projects in the outer world.  I want to share my accomplishments so far, but especially want to share a very recent and significantly healing epiphany I had last week related to my reproductive past and future.

Working within the structure of the monthly weekend intensives - I had my fourth one last weekend - our monthly "buddy" pairings, and our regional program "Pods" that meet a couple times a month, I've had many accomplishments, including:

• Clarity and planning around my goal of forming a Social Change Theatre Troupe
• Integrating new routines of "Sit Spots" - sitting out in nature for 15 minutes, five days a week - and regular journaling into my life.  I've journaled before but had slacked on it for a while.
• Having surgery and relying on community, including EOL friends, to support me.
• Lots and lots and lots of self reflection and visioning, focusing on six chosen areas of my life, including drawing complex and evocative "mind maps" of my visions in these areas.
• Supporting a couple dozen other people - of diverse ages, genders, and cultures - in the process, and opening up to let them support me.
• From an ecological perspective, focusing on healing blocks in the "roots" of my inner life and unconscious, so that the "canopy" of what I show and achieve the world can be full and thriving.  Various processes around this over the weekend intensives and individual work in between.

To the last point, I had a huge shift, or epiphany, in this last week!

As background: Going into last weekend in Bolinas (the place where we meet is gorgeous and very special - used to be the site of Native American ceremonies and includes gardens, meadows, hills, beautiful trees and forest areas, and a short walk to cliffs and beaches of the ocean), I had experienced a revelation around my theatre project.  Reflecting on my vision and needs coming up around it, as well as just how long I had held this deep longing to be part of a troupe, I realized that most of my vision was directly carried over from a theatre troupe I auditioned for and desperately wanted to join a couple of decades ago.  Even though I knew they were specifically looking for men of color, I took it personally when I was not accepted and was devastated.  I just knew they would see my passion and abilities and welcome me into the group.  It was not to be.

In any case, I think I was looking for control around something I had not a lot of control over, and I took up this longing for a troupe and carried it with me.  I have done many theatre projects and collaborations in the non-profit, community, and activist sectors but haven't managed to form an ongoing troupe, which felt like a failure.  What I realized is that I am already getting a lot of the needs met that I hoped to meet through the troupe "right now" through my InterPlay and dance groups!  These include creative expression and collaboration within a "sacred space" or space of exploration and acceptance.  And community is coming in other ways, too, through EOL and InterPlay, so the main desire I have and that might be met through the troupe is regular creative contribution; producing educational/outreach performances and self/community development workshops that make a positive difference for individuals and the community.  I've never had this level of clarity AND I have a partner in this endeavor who is totally on the same page, my friend K.  I didn't mean to get that detailed about the theatre project but it IS a big deal for me. :) So back to the weekend....

I came with that insight, expecting a lot of focus on our projects, but instead we dove into women's and men's experiences and issues.  We divided into two groups by gender and talked about our feelings and experiences around men and being a woman in this culture.  Not a small topic.  Lot's of very deep sharing, crying, bonding, supporting.

During this experience, I shared about my abortion two decades ago when I was involved with an ex who was unavailable.  I shared about that on this blog before and reconnecting with this guy three years ago or so.  So, I knew that was a deeply wounding experience for me, and I tried to work through residual pain in various ways over the years - writing letters to my unborn child, crying, getting angry, talking to the guy about it and how it affected me, etc.

But there was more there.  The emotions were combined with a cognitive aspect, as well.  I realized through talking about it in the healing container of the women's circle and in three emotional conversations since - in the larger group, with my housemate, and with my "buddy" - that not feeling like I had choice in that situation contributed to the energy I brought to trying to have a child on my own.

* As a caveat, I absolutely know that having a child as Single Mother by Choice is a wonderful and valid choice, so it's not about the validity of that, it's a very personal realization that I brought energy and compulsion to it based on the lack of choice I felt I had back then around the abortion.

At the time, I wasn't able to hold a space for myself to reflect and consider all options, and he, who was several years older, was not able to hold that space for me or himself either.  He was driven by his own fear and desire for self-preservation and immediately shifted into convincing me that an abortion was the only valid choice.  And I, unfortunately, was addicted to him and his love and approval of me and couldn't say no, hold on here, I need to think about this, maybe see a counselor.

That's not entirely true... For a short time when I first found out, I do remember considering and telling him that I could go live with my birth mother's family in Oregon (I was pretty sure my immediate family would disapprove and likely reject me), but he argued against that.  I couldn't imagine myself, a recent college graduate at 22/23 years old, raising the child on my own and couldn't imagine losing him either.  I have thought so many times that I wish I could go back and make another choice, but that's coming from where I am now.  Now, I am able to hold space for myself.  Now, I am able to raise a child on my own.

So, I feel compassion for myself back then, and I am even finding compassion for him in his immaturity and fear, which, unfortunately, he never really outgrew.  I also feel angry that he couldn't help me - couldn't open up to my needs as well as his own.  But mainly, I just feel incredibly sad that we were both so limited in our capacities.

So the epiphany is that, cognitively and emotionally, I've been letting that experience, in part, drive my decision making around having a child.  I actually don't regret trying, though I might not have tried quite as often or in as many ways.  I don't regret trying these past couple of years with S, though I think it made us stay together longer than we otherwise would have.  If I don't have a biological child, the possibility of which is growing increasingly dim, I might have really regretted not trying.  But I brought a belief that I needed to control this situation; I needed to have a child to heal my past experience, in part to forgive myself for my past and not being able to hold that space to reflect and clearly choose what was right for me.  To take that choice back.  But by bringing these emotions and beliefs along with me, I realize now that I was actually limiting my choices and continuing to be controlled to some degree by that experience.  Does that make sense?

Which brings me to now.  Going forward, I want to let go of this pain and regret, and anger and grief.  I want to forgive myself, and, yes, forgive him, to the best of my ability.  I want to relax and trust myself to hold space for reflection and clear choice.  At this time, I am not on solid ground to pursue having a child on my own.  My finances are not at the level I would like, and my living situation is uncertain as of May or June when my housemate moves in with his fiance.  Plus, I am still immersed in EOL and would like to focus for now on community and relationship.

To end this long and intense post - thank you if you read the whole thing! - I want to share how this epiphany and healing has rolled out in the past few days.  So I had a date on Friday, and a short time into this date (which lacked chemistry to begin with), the guy starts yammering on about having kids and how women around 40 get fixated on that, and then asking when I decided I was not going in that direction of having kids, etc.  OMG, I felt revolted.  I couldn't have felt more clear that we were in completely different developmental stages of our lives.  He was 51 years old, but I know there are guys that age out there, like my housemate and like S, who are interested and open to having a child or another child.  Other things this guy said showed how insular and closed minded he was, like when he goes out in nature he can't wait to get back home.  I could not get out of there fast enough.  I went home and changed my profile to be MUCH MORE CLEAR that I am interested in having a family in some way and that I would like to meet someone who is similarly open.

I will also say that the door is open to pursuing becoming an SMC again in the future, when life circumstances change.

So this epiphany, rather than closing me off to having a family, seems to have empowered me and brought more confidence, clarity, and choice about how and when, and in what circumstance, I move forward.  Feeling so grateful for this healing process and it's impact on my life.  Would love to hear your comments, thoughts, and experiences...

Updates Shmupdates

In considering the content of this blog, I have a late New Year's resolution to declare:  In 2014, I will write six focused topic blogs.  Maybe there is a more proper name for these... what I mean, is that instead of just writing the variety of happenings and insights since my last post, I will explore a particular topic in more depth.  Many of you who blog do this, but it's been a rare occurrence for me.  In any case, I want to challenge myself a bit in my blogging, so we will see how I do.

But not today!  Today, I'm going to do the opposite and write a bullet post to catch up on work, ex-boyfriend, leadership program, and other happenings:

• I'll start with work, since I left off there in my last post.  My class launched successfully!  I feel good about the content I have provided for the students, which has included lots of interactive exercises, an online college resources scavenger hunt, and a PowerPoint, peppered with group discussion and and activity.  And the most of the students haven't even received their books yet.  That's right, I'm not complaining though.  Folks on the East Coast are feeling much worse impact of the stormy weather than delayed books.  I have improvised and made do, and I was told they would arrive on Monday, fingers crossed.  Oh, and my "first big college class" is filled mainly with high school students, albeit more mature than average high school students.  My community college has an imbedded high school, the students of which graduate high school with an Associates degree - a pretty good deal.  So, after hearing a complaint from one of the "real" college students in the class, I've needed to talk to them about the noise level, but I'm happy to report they are adjusting pretty well.

• My surgery is this Friday.  I found substitute teachers for my classes the week following and, with the help of my kind friend, I'm lining up a few visits and simple meal deliveries.  I'm just not sure how incapacitated I will be.  As mentioned, S will be taking me there and back and spending some time with me afterwards.  The main things I'm worried about are, in this order: Zoey care, food prep/bathroom trips, and pain.  I'm not more worried about pain because I assume I'll be given good pain medication.  Mainly, I hope I'll be able to do the minimum required to take care of necessities for the couple days post-surgery.  If any of you has gone through laparoscopic fibroid surgery, I'm interested to hear about your recovery experience, if you're willing to share.  As I think I mentioned, my fibroid is large - seven to eight mm - and located outside the uterus, near the cervix.

• S and I have had three further talks now (two in person and one on the phone) and many tears have been coming out, which feels like part of the healing process.  Through some teachings in my leadership program, I've realized that after our fight pattern had had gone on for a while, I went into "faint" mode (out of the model "Flight, Fight, Freeze, or Faint"), which means I checked out or detached to some degree.  At the time, I thought I was being calm or "normal" and not escalating things, but I see now that I was not fully there.  I remember feeling like this "shouldn't be happening" and denying the reality of the situation.  I believe the sadness I'm feeling now is a release of feelings I didn't feel through the last few months, as well as sadness that we stayed stuck in that painful place for so long.  I've said several times to S now that I wish we had broken up instead of going through that for so long.  I wonder what might have happened if I had been able to stay present and express the sadness then?  I think either we would have broken up or something would have shifted in the relationship.  But I really don't think he was ready to shift, so I doubt the latter.  I'll confess that the first time we met, there was some rebound romance energy but not the second time.  I still remain clearly focused on what I want in a relationship, and that he's self-admittedly not capable of that.  I'm glad he will be there to help me around the surgery - it's strange to remember that I was about to get this surgery last Spring but then we lost Cobra coverage and could not go forward.

• Finally, I had my third Ecology of Leadership retreat weekend (out of six) last weekend, and it was a doozy!  Our activities were primarily focused on "roots work," or looking at blocks or issues that are holding us back, as well as diving deeper into our Project work.  A lot of people shared deep wounds and trauma, such as family member's suicide, eating disorders, being rejected by a loved one, etc.  I shared more and released sadness mentioned above in our small groups and individually during an embodied shaking and tapping (it's hard to explain but it was pretty cool) exercise we did.  I made major progress in my clarity about Project focus on forming a Social Change Performing Arts Troupe that focuses on both inner and outer transformation.  Inner, in terms of the troupe being a safe place for the members of the troupe to look at their own issues, feelings, and perspectives in relation to different topics.  Outer, with regard to us creating performance vehicles we take out into the community to engage, educate, and hopefully transform those in the audience.  Both aspects are important to me.  And, guess what?  I set up a tent and camped for the first time in a decade!  I didn't sleep more than a few hours, but I didn't get too scared and made it through.  I won't be heading for the Alaskan wilderness anytime soon, but I feel it was a good step.

Tomorrow and Monday I need to get a lot of work done towards my class - grading papers, lesson plans for this week, and bigger picture assignment descriptions.  Looks like I might be at the computer a lot over the next 48 hours...

Shuffling and Meandering

I'm still here.  Sort of shuffling and meandering my way through the holiday season this year, so far.  It's not that I'm depressed, really; I just don't feel that inspired.

Good news:  I received my work assignments for next semester, and they were basically what I wanted.  Now, I'm super nervous about teaching my first college class.  It's kind of a loosey-goosey, unstructured class about college success and good habits around: study skills, organization, time-management, health and stress relief, etc.  If anyone knows any great resources, please let me know!  I've been given very little guidance so far and am starting to research and figure out the planning process and logistics on the fly.  Hopefully, I will have a couple of colleagues' syllabi for guidance.

Tomorrow morning will find Zoey and I on the road to Oregon for Christmas.  We will be staying at my brother's house and splitting holiday time between his family's, my parent's, and my sister's family's houses.  As usual, I imagine I will have some difficult feelings come up...

To that end, my leadership program gave me a new process called "Trigger Tracking" in which you look at your feelings and stories around a particularly charged situation and try to gain perspective on the "source event" that initially created this trigger.  In the end, the hope is to release some of the emotion associated with the source event and establish new beliefs or stories.  I tried it out on a trigger that came up for me yesterday at a Transition community organizing retreat and it worked pretty well, so I'll have it on hand to work with the family stuff.

By the way, my leadership program weekend went well - sorry for not reporting back on that.  The sleeping situation kind of sucked, as I was on the floor in a cold-ish room full of people, the one nearest me a snorer.  So, yeah, not much sleep.  But it was wonderful to roll out of bed and head out into the meadow for an early morning "sit" (sitting awareness meditation in nature) with a group of my compadres.  I enjoyed the increased sense of community and belonging, also.

On the break-up front, S took off to stay with a female friend this week.  I met her previously and don't believe there is any romance there, but it's interesting he took off after we had some nice connection on my birthday and were going to talk this week about "us" and future hopes that were recently verbalized.  I'm feeling it as a distancing maneuver and am glad in a way because I am in no way ready to let him back in to my heart.  I may never be ready, but when we are talking about meaningful topics and are both in a vulnerable place, old feelings do come up.  I can't help but feel closer to him.  So, it's better to get some space and focus on my own life.  I'm doing some dabbling in online dating as a distraction.

I hope to post over Christmas, but just in case:  Merry, Merry Christmas!  May your holiday be filled with warmth and light and love.

Bad Attitude

Bad Attitude.  That's me right now.  Santa might be skipping my house if this keeps up...

I have my monthly leadership training time this weekend (Saturday morning through Sunday evening).  I'm not looking forward to it, for some reason, though I am pretty sure it will feel good once I get there.  I just feel kind of sad right now, likely due to my break-up, and it feels vulnerable to be in a group of 25-30 people when you feel that way, at least it feels that way to me.  A lovely woman from the group who I've Skyped with a couple of times since our last gathering pointed out that there will be a lot of support from the group available.  That's a good way to look at it, but somehow it's not helping right now. 

Also, I just found out this morning that the administrators at my college are offering considerably less hours to us next semester as CTE counselors.  This is not what was originally communicated.  We were told there would be assignments that we would bid on and that we may not end up with the ones we have now.  We were NOT told there would be a lot less cumulative hours to choose from. 

We have known for a while that under the current administration (our Dean retired over the summer), we were less valued on the campus.  A lot of innuendo and rumors have been flying around.  But, again, it was more about changes, not being cut to just a few hours a week or possibly none at all!  I am both angry and scared at the same time. 

I know there is one full-time counseling position soon to be announced in general counseling, which I will apply for, but I'm imagining there are a lot of people who will apply for that.  I have a good relationship with other general counselors but not a close relationship. 

Part of the problem is that we were located in a completely different part of campus than the rest of counseling and student services.  It was near the Workforce Development office but it kept us somewhat isolated - a definite disadvantage now.  I want to call up our Vice President (she's been our interim supervisor) and grill her about all this, but I don't want to shoot myself in the foot regarding possible opportunities.  Oy.

Finally, it is FREEZING, as I know it is times ten in many parts of the country that have it worse than we do.  Camping outdoors, especially considering I hate camping to begin with, sounds simply awful.

Oh Lord, I need an attitude adjustment.  Thanks for listening.

Sad

Feeling sad off and on today.  Woke up to an email from S, which was a response to an email I had sent saying, in part, that I felt grief that we were at the cusp of changes that might have improved things for us - i.e. breakthrough insights on his part around his anger, my going off DHEA, plans to spend more time together, using new communication tools.  He basically shot down the validity of every aspect of potential improvement.  DHEA? Nah, that did not make much difference.  Communication tools?  Not nearly enough, as we weren't even close to a positive shift, etc. 

My email was not advocating we try and work things out, just expressing sadness.  I must have hit a nerve to trigger such a detailed and defensive response.  I imagine he is not as confident as he seems about his reasoning. 

Even though I believe breaking up was the right choice, it's still hard sometimes, and I would like to hear more sadness and complexity from him in his thinking about it.  The one thing I am accepting through this whole ordeal, though, is that I cannot control or change him.  The fact is that I was not happy with him and was less and less so over the past few months.  I had fears and doubts and was anything but certain about being together long term.  There was a time where I felt a lot more positive about it but not for several months now.  I still had hope and I still wanted to get to the other side of the developments mentioned above.  But he did not, and I can't change that. 

He pulled the plug, and he told me that, even though he said differently at one point, he is not now capable of controlling his anger and communicating without constantly attacking me personally.  Even if he wanted to stay together, I would not want to go forward if he told me things would continue as they have been, and he was not going to even try to work on things.  It had gotten to the point where I felt verbally attacked on a regular basis in a way that was not healthy. 

It does bother me that both his and my patterns repeated themselves.  I had judgmental thoughts grow and settle into my mind in a way that blocked my expression of love for him.  He became increasingly negative and jealous and was constantly accusing me of "bad" behavior and not caring about him.  How much did these two things feed into one another?  I'm not sure.  Perhaps we truly are just not meant for one another, considering how much we seem to "trigger" one another and push reactive buttons.  That, added to the question I had about whether our overall level of chemistry was adequate does make me doubt our lasting power over time.

We are going to meet in-person (finally) tomorrow at a coffee shop to process the break-up.  He would have just gone on without that, but I felt our relationship and history was deserving of a conversation beyond phone and email.  Wish me luck.  I hope to come out of it feeling like I have been understood to a greater degree and vice versa.  And ideally, with a sense of care for one another. 

On another note, I attended a community meeting today from 10am to 1pm, during which we got to know each other better, talked about co-housing and intentional community possibilities, and ate a delicious, healthy potluck meal.  The people were great, and I'm excited about possibilities there.  This community will be based in a specific geographical area, however, and I'm not positive where I will be living come next summer after my housemate gets married (now that S and I will obviously not be living together).  He may even move in with his fiance sooner than that and said he should know the timeline in the next few weeks.  We will see.

Speaking of potlucks,  my leadership training pod is coming to my house for a potluck on Monday night.  I get a little anxious about hosting people but am looking forward to checking in on our leadership assignments together.  I have been doing writing on my "creative scene" (ideal vision) for relationship and will do some writing on my work scene tomorrow.  The project I will focus on over the next several months in the program will come from this exploration process.

Lastly, I still have not figured out a plan for Thanksgiving.  Looks like I may be eating the full spread I bought myself (well, not all at once!) and watching movies with Zoey... The sweet thing is that several people, including some of you guys, have said they would hang out with me or would invite me over or whatever if they were in town or didn't have set plans with their in-laws, etc.  So, I do feel cared for.

Reflections on Dysfunction

This week has gone better than it could have... the vices I turn to in times of pain or extreme stress have not reared their ugly heads, and I am taking decent care of myself. 

My involvement in this leadership program is making a big difference, in that I don't feel "alone" in the world.  As most of you know, my family lives in Oregon and we're not all that close, anyway.  Friendships for me seem to grow at a snail's pace, so I have a few friends but still no "best" or super close friends.  I am part of a few communities that provide opportunity for group activism, socializing, or creative expression, but these haven't grown into a network I could turn to when I need deeper support.  My support system has basically been my brother and my housemate, and occasionally a couple friends I see through the community stuff.  I get support from blogging, which feels great, but I wish you guys could come over to the house! :)

Anyway, knowing that this group of people are there and we are all moving through this journey and process together is surprisingly helpful.  I have some tangible connection in between the monthly gatherings, too: today, I talked to my assigned support "buddy" and in about a week my regional "pod" (6 other people) are coming to my house for a potluck and check-in.  The facilitators talk about all of us forming a "village" that will support our goals and about how important this is - how we used to have closer extended families and neighborhoods but that's not common now.  So true, in my case.  My nuclear family was very isolationist.

So, I'm doing okay I guess.  Waves of sadness come over me and I have cried a few times, which is totally normal, of course.  Our minds want to remember things in a nostalgic way, like "wasn't that so great how we used to do this or that?"  But I keep pulling myself back into the reality that much of S and I's time together was rocky, stressful and often full of pain.  Maybe not for certain periods, but for a long time now, and increasingly moreso the last few months.  To help me in my perspective and my heart separation from S, I would like to share a few things that were indicators of dysfunction:

• I think about Tahoe and how we couldn't even walk the dog or make a frickin' salad without bickering or getting tense, and how he got so pissed off at me for not responding to him at one point.  How the mornings and evenings in this beautiful place often involved fighting and stress.  That was a low point for sure and fueled additionally by progesterone.  But almost every trip with family involved a lot of tension and fighting - that just isn't a good sign. I recognize my part in that I am often more stressed and less grounded around my family (though happy sometimes, too, and especially happy with the kids).  I have less to give a partner at these times and can seem more distant.  But S knew this about me and we had talked in depth about "why" this was, yet he didn't cut me slack or talk to me from that perspective of knowing how hard it could be for me.  He continued to get resentful and take things personally and generally make things emotionally harder.

• The relationship didn't provide the support and synergy I would like to have with my partner.  When I talked about my work passions or ideas and goals, he would sometimes take a skeptical stance or just not provide much enthusiasm or positive encouragement.  In one case, I asked him several times if we could do a brainstorm session for creative goals I had, and he was lackluster and avoidant.  When I was seeing a life coach for help with getting career counseling clients, I couldn't talk to him about it because he would express doubt and fear or withhold support, which was painful.  Later, he admitted it brought up fear about his own goals, but this was a general pattern.  He also struggled to go to a place of mutual excitement or synergistic exchange of ideas, which I so love doing.  This relates to my vision of a relationship including collaboration and partnership on creative or community projects.  We didn't work well together in this way.... except with participating in activism and personal growth "events" - these were on the good side of the chart.  But I want to have this goodness when we are alone together, outside of events.

• The last one I'll share for now, because I'm making myself depressed, is one that will not surprise you: chemistry.  Since early on in our relationship, I have questioned whether that area was "good enough."  He's significantly older than me (9.5 years) and looks his age.  Also, the chemistry/smell thing was a little off - sometimes pretty good and sometimes not great (the supplements I'm on may have affected this at times).  I know it's not the most important thing and that it fades over time, but I believe it can also provide the "juice" or excitement to help you get through the tough times.  It can provide fun and intimacy and actually has been shown to jack up chemicals in our brain like oxytocin that help our immune response and make us feel happy and relaxed.  It was hard to be clear in this area with him because sometimes we had a good dynamic and fun times - definitely more at certain times of my cycle and more when he was more "in shape" and taking better care of himself.  But overall, I would rate this area a 6, and I don't think that's good enough.  On reflection, I also think that his anger and our fighting made things worse in this area.  Anger is not sexy.

Thanks for listening and for your supportive comments on my last post.

A couple last pieces of news:  I'm postponing my fibroid surgery until January so I don't miss my training weekend.  Also, so that I have more time to line up care and transportation, since S will obviously not be helping now.  We were going to go to his dad's for Thanksgiving, so now I am left without a place to go.  Trying not to feel sorry for myself on this one.  I guess I'm going to put out feelers and see what a couple of my friends are doing, but I hate doing that.

Turning Over New Leaves

Just wanted to share a few (fairly) quick updates:

• I am running my first crowd funding campaign and am inching closer to my goal of covering half of tuition for the Ecology of Leadership program.  I don't know if I have shared a lot on this blog about it, but I feel stuck in a certain unproductive pattern in my life (dealing with time and reclusivity).  It has felt protective, but I see it does not serve me, as is.  So, I am hoping to shift that pattern and also accomplish my goals to increase my Green/Transition career counseling clients and to be part of a social change performing arts troupe.  The first weekend of the training actually just happened (on a check and a prayer).  It was so intense!  Brought up some of my awkward, insecure feelings in groups - mainly at the end when I was exhausted - but also introduced some awesome tools and structures, such as a support buddy and a several-person "pod" of people who will meet in between monthly training weekends and offer mutual support and accountability.

• S and I are continuing to vacillate back and forth from getting along to having painful conflict.  My family was in town for the Oregon/Stanford game, and we went out for dinner and drinks.  It went well overall but ended in conflict about how I was "not letting him speak."  Then, we had the best intentions for my weekend training - even though every weekend event in the past has brought up difficulty - but we ended up fighting on the phone as I drove back yesterday.  I know I contributed.  I was so exhausted and intolerant of his questions and what I felt was a lack of trust and effort to control me.  To be transparent, I'm ashamed to admit I may have smoked for a few days back when we were in our most stressful time of recent fighting.  Well, remnants of this time were still on the deck, and when S came over to care for Zoey yesterday, he saw these and thought I was still partaking in this behavior.  I told him no, these were from before (which I'd told him about), but he continued to question me on the exact timeline.  I sort of blew up.  I am so wanting love and acceptance right now - my ability to weather judgment and anger is at an all-time low.  So I'm trying something new... since saying what I "don't" want has not worked so far, I decided to come up with an affirmation of what I "do" want.  What do you think?:  "My relationship is stable and relatively calm, and is filled with love, compassion, and understanding."

• My surgery to remove the large fibroid behind my uturus, scheduled for December 6th, conflicts with one of the EOL monthly training weekends.  I am checking to see if there is any way to reschedule for early January.  If not, I feel I need to suck it up and miss a weekend of training.  It will be difficult, but I have waited so long and am so wanting to move forward and get this problem resolved.  The program leaders said it was okay for us to miss a weekend but strongly suggested we try and make them if at all possible.  They are all about "creating the village," which I understand - and which may meet my long-held desire for community - but which can also be very intense!

Guess that's all for now.  Still looking forward to the holidays, despite having a lot on my plate.

p.s. Oh, and Zoey's bumps above her eyebrow went away.  Yay!