Nothing much going on here, except some tension with sh/cm. Our jealousy with one another's exes knows no bounds.
I think I'm going to ask your opinion on this difference in viewpoint we have, because it keeps coming up for us: do you think interactions with an ex-girlfriend and those with a guy I dated are in the same ballpark?
Additional information: the guy I dated a few times is currently my housemate and we have a mutual support-type relationship in which we share with one another our feelings about dating/relationships and our desires to have a child (his marriage broke up because she didn't end up wanting to have a child and he's one of those men who really wants to be a father). I have zero feelings of attraction for him and we had some flirtation when we first moved in together (I was feeling sexual and he happened to be there so I flirted with him) but haven't had any energy like that for over a year.
Sh/cm has been meeting with the ex-girlfriend weekly the whole time we've been dating because they are both part of an activist group that she co-leads. He's had emotional "triggers" come up around his relationship with her at the time of Burning Man and at her birthday, which last year apparently was the beginning of the end of their relationship.
As I write all this, it sounds so juvenile! But seriously, can you compare an ex-girlfriend relationship (who you were in love with and intimate with over several months and had trouble getting over) with a platonic housemate who you had a few dates with a year-and-a-half ago (with whom you are now friends)?
p.s. Nothing stirring on the two-week-wait front. I'm eating pineapple.
I think that in the end it all depends on how you each feel about the situation. If you had a simply, platonic friend who you never dated and he felt that it was difficult on the relationship, then I think that you have to respect that. Of course I hope that you would have the discussion about why he felt that way first. If you had no issues with him hanging around an ex gf and it had zero effect on your relationship with each other, then it's fine.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I started out being ok with hubby hanging around with his ex... but then it became an inappropriate relationship - as in she depended on him for everything and sometimes he was putting her before me (this was about four months into our relationship). I had to say enough is enough with it. She's tried to contact him a number of times since then, and each time I've said it can't happen because it's too hard on the relationship. On the other hand, I have had contact with my ex a number of times and hubby has no issue with it because it's not threatening to our relationship in anyway... if he felt threatened or upset by it, I would stop immediately.
I don't know if that helps or not... :)
Well, I can see how he would be weirded out, I guess, but you have MORE of a cause to be weirded out. I don't think your housemate even counts as an ex, sheesh.
ReplyDeleteI can certainly see your point about an ex-girlfriend being a bigger deal than a guy you just dated a few times, but never had a relationship with. That being said, I don't think jealousy is all that rational. He likely feels threatened because you're sharing a home with this man you dated. I have to admit that I'd feel jealous and worried if my fiance shared a home with a woman, even if they were just friends.
ReplyDeleteSo...I don't really know what advice to offer. Jealousy is awful and complicated and sometimes out of touch with reality. I think the best you can do is to keep talking to each other about your feelings over this issue and hopefully you'll eventually come to a place of trust and understanding.
Thanks, you guys. You are helping me consider what the main point is - caring about and considering one another's feelings. You're right, M, jealousy is complicated!
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