I'm feeling a bit disoriented tonight. Sh/cm and I have had some emotional ups and downs. I keep wanting us to get back to "normal," but I think I'm creating some ideal fantasy of what we have been and should be. There have been stretches of time during which we've felt consistently close and our relationship had a sense of fun and ease.
We are having those times now but then something comes along and "triggers" one or the other of us onto an emotional edge, and I feel overwhelmed and scared. And I have thoughts like, "I can't handle this," or "This is too much," or "Not this again!"
Sh/cm has an aspect to his personality that can be very righteous. When he feels mistreated, he can lock on to a line of questioning like a pitbull. He no longer hears me or takes in my side of things. It's maddening. He doesn't realize he's doing it in the moment. We've talked about it and he's linked this side of him to his stepdad, who was bullying. Sh/cm had to hold tight to his own reality for self preservation.
For my part, I am having some tired, old intimacy issues come up. Soooo tired and old. My mind wants to focus on imperfections and hold them up as reasons why we should not be together. When this first came up, I was able to talk about them but over time, sh/cm has understandably developed some feelings of insecurity.
At this point, I'm questioning whether I should talk to a counselor about this specific pattern because it's come up in several relationships now. And you know what they say, "If the same situation keeps happening, look at the consistent factor," namely me. Sh/cm is willing to talk to someone too.
I guess the positive perspective is that our fights are about jealousy and connection/time spent with one another, which says we are scared of losing each other, and we like being around each other so much that we want more of it! Most of the time we are actually together (and not emotionally triggered), life is good.
My next post will focus on these more positive times and a couple exciting shared goals. . .