I am in a no good, very bad mood today. I think in part because of hormones and in part because I taught an all-day class yesterday, the last couple hours of which were pure hell. One of me, 25 of them, all trying to create and enter educational plans into a system that was locked up and refusing to cooperate. After consulting with my supervisor, I finally just had them turn in their plans on paper and spent much of this morning entering them into the system myself.
Then, my "housemate" (technically my housemate but more like landlord, as he never stays here) J, stopped by completely unannounced. I realized he tried to send a text 10 minutes before that didn't go through. But, regardless, it's like he doesn't register my feelings; like they don't matter. He bursts in the front door with his partner, yelling "HELLOOOO" in a really boisterous way, with lots of energy that he doesn't reign in, even when he sees that I am sitting at the table working (unshowered, in grungy sweats) and am clearly caught off guard. Then he keeps bustling around the house being bossy and directive and not listening to me. Grrrrr!
I feel sooo tired and depressed. Definitely not in the mood for this housewarming party we are having this evening. Maybe I should go work out; that might help. I have had an injured/out of place shoulder/upper back injury since before Thanksgiving, so haven't been working out. It has slowly been improving, and I think I could go today. Either that or take Zoey on a long walk. Something to try and rise out of this run down funk.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
12/07/2014
2/29/2012
Dark and Random Thoughts
Random, thoughts for a rainy Wednesday (on the dark side so feel free to skip)...
- On efforts toward ttc. As I've mentioned, it was such a nice change to be trying with a partner for the last half of last year. We were planning on pulling out bigger guns after December. I now wonder if S had cold feet around that idea which influenced his behavior to some degree. I don't want to believe that, but when I look back at certain red flags, I do wonder. For instance, when we both got onto his health care plan in November, I was most excited about the resources this opened up around ttc. His reaction was decidedly deflating at that point, though we had discussed this benefit in the past.
- So I'm still on the health plan. I suppose since we seem to be broken up for the long hall, I should exit the plan and go back onto the minimalist plan I was on before. It's so hard to accept that I may be out of time to try with my own eggs. At 43, I feel like this is the last year I could reasonably try with injectables or IVF. But I don't have the resources for either of those choices on my own. It's depressing and brings up a lot of despair in me right now.
- I feel like I'm drifting through life. I honestly wonder if I have the fortitude and strength of character to build a full life on my own. Has anyone else felt this way? With S, I could see so many possibilities in terms of manifesting my dreams: living in community, creating my own home and family, collaborating on Transition/sustainability projects together. The idea of doing these things alone feels daunting and unattainable.
- Finances come into play, I think, but just as important is having the stamina and energy. I generate a lot of energy from interacting with someone else: brainstorming, acting as each others' sounding board, helping to making decisions, staying accountable, garnering more courage to stretch and try new things, motivating to engage with new projects and people. I'm not an extrovert "go getter" by nature. On my own, I tend to hibernate and withdraw. I try to work against this tendency in myself, but I haven't been incredibly successful.
- For example, my dancing, which is integral to my joy and sense of self, has been stuck in a rut for a while now. I know that it would be "good for me" to expand my dance venues beyond my small, safe Sunday morning dance, but I fear the unknown. This week, I put out feelers to local dance friends asking about attending the larger, weekly Dance Journey dance with me this Friday. If no one else steps up, my intention is to go anyway. I wish I had someone to hold me accountable and kick my butt if need be!
- I also know that I downplay and underestimate myself. I actually have a lot of accomplishments under my belt. But my most meaningful life goals seem elusive. Maybe I'm just situationally depressed.
p.s. I have been continuing to talk collaboration with the administrator of that local economy/jobs website called PermaculturExchange. Our project focus has been morphing it's focus, but I hope to begin some outreach to potential organizations/employers with project work needs in the near future.
p.p.s. In rereading this post, it struck me that being with a partner, and being with S, doesn't necessarily make me a stronger person, but it makes me feel safer. I feel like I'm not all alone in the world, struggling like a fish upstream. Perhaps it numbs or cushions my raw, existential angst. It also cushions me financially - that is the hard truth. I think in an "ideal" relationship, two people would make one another stronger, bring out the best, and support one another's goals... but S and I did not reach that ideal. He definitely allowed me to pursue ttc and also brightened my life with companionship and entertainment, but with regard to career and home/community, I don't think we consistently or effectively supported one another. From my perspective, he held back a lot of himself from me. And I could definitely put the blinders on...
1/06/2012
Finally, a Good Mood
I've been in a good mood today, believe it or not. The first true good mood in several weeks, if not longer, it seems.
Possible reasons include cutting back on the supplement DHEA, which I think may be helping. In addition, I'm on what I call my "hormonal upswing," a few days into my cycle, and I had a really big, ugly cry on Monday (and a smaller one yesterday), which released some grief.
During my Monday cry, I became clear that I'm aching to fully love someone - that I hadn't been able to do that with S and felt deeply sorry about that fact. It sounds fairly simple but felt like a significant insight and shift from feeling despairing and wounded. I still have sadness and am constantly getting triggered by memories and seeing emails or event announcements for things we did together in the past. I looked at his Facebook page today. So, clearly I'm still thinking about him, but the feelings don't seem as raw.
As a result of talking about my insight with my housemate, he ended up loaning me a copy of the book he's working through with his (sort of) girlfriend, called Undefended Love. It's about the balance between the polarity of deeply connecting with yourself and deeply connecting with another person. And about true intimacy coming from directly facing your fears/vulnerability and being present with whatever is happening, versus automatically reverting to old, well-worn defenses that feel safe and familiar. I guess there are some exercises further along in the book. I'll let you know how it goes.
Did I mention I rejoined Mat.ch.c.om? Initially, it was a move to soothe my ego and gain some equilibrium in the situation with S. Maybe some of that is still true, but I'm also feeling like it's a healthy thing for me to be "out there" interacting with people. I've only been on the one date so far before Christmas, which didn't have much chemistry. . . and I was still pretty deep in the grief at that point too.
In the last few days, I've been emailing with a recently retired (he retired early to receive his full pension or something; he's only a few years older than me) cop from a nearby town. I like him a lot and he's funny, but he still seems to have some grief going on of his own from his divorce. Maybe we're perfect for each other right now! lol
Finally, school started back up this week. I'm teaching two days a week, covering my co-teacher's (who quit) days, as well as my own. This is supposed to be the "worst" school, but I'm generally liking it so far, knock on wood. The teacher is very supportive of our program and involved with activities, so that's making a huge difference. There's the one rowdy period, of course, who get on my last nerve, but it's not intolerable so far. We're not sure if we have a school lined up after this one, so my fingers are crossed. I'm skating on financial fumes after the holidays and cannot wait until payday on Tuesday!
I have been reading other blogs and appreciating hearing others' feelings and experiences as the year turns. It makes me feel less alone. I truly wish that you all receive the dreams of your heart (and more) in 2012!
Possible reasons include cutting back on the supplement DHEA, which I think may be helping. In addition, I'm on what I call my "hormonal upswing," a few days into my cycle, and I had a really big, ugly cry on Monday (and a smaller one yesterday), which released some grief.
During my Monday cry, I became clear that I'm aching to fully love someone - that I hadn't been able to do that with S and felt deeply sorry about that fact. It sounds fairly simple but felt like a significant insight and shift from feeling despairing and wounded. I still have sadness and am constantly getting triggered by memories and seeing emails or event announcements for things we did together in the past. I looked at his Facebook page today. So, clearly I'm still thinking about him, but the feelings don't seem as raw.
As a result of talking about my insight with my housemate, he ended up loaning me a copy of the book he's working through with his (sort of) girlfriend, called Undefended Love. It's about the balance between the polarity of deeply connecting with yourself and deeply connecting with another person. And about true intimacy coming from directly facing your fears/vulnerability and being present with whatever is happening, versus automatically reverting to old, well-worn defenses that feel safe and familiar. I guess there are some exercises further along in the book. I'll let you know how it goes.
Did I mention I rejoined Mat.ch.c.om? Initially, it was a move to soothe my ego and gain some equilibrium in the situation with S. Maybe some of that is still true, but I'm also feeling like it's a healthy thing for me to be "out there" interacting with people. I've only been on the one date so far before Christmas, which didn't have much chemistry. . . and I was still pretty deep in the grief at that point too.
In the last few days, I've been emailing with a recently retired (he retired early to receive his full pension or something; he's only a few years older than me) cop from a nearby town. I like him a lot and he's funny, but he still seems to have some grief going on of his own from his divorce. Maybe we're perfect for each other right now! lol
Finally, school started back up this week. I'm teaching two days a week, covering my co-teacher's (who quit) days, as well as my own. This is supposed to be the "worst" school, but I'm generally liking it so far, knock on wood. The teacher is very supportive of our program and involved with activities, so that's making a huge difference. There's the one rowdy period, of course, who get on my last nerve, but it's not intolerable so far. We're not sure if we have a school lined up after this one, so my fingers are crossed. I'm skating on financial fumes after the holidays and cannot wait until payday on Tuesday!
I have been reading other blogs and appreciating hearing others' feelings and experiences as the year turns. It makes me feel less alone. I truly wish that you all receive the dreams of your heart (and more) in 2012!
12/31/2011
Telling on Myself
Happy New Year's Eve.
Continuing to slowly climb out of the hole. Gradually relying less on vices to cope with my grief. Trying to bring in some meditation and writing. Still drinking more than usual and watching a lot of television though.
My housemate came back from New York where his family lives, but he's been staying over at his girlfriend's (or whatever she is right now) house. I guess the idea is to spend a lot of time together and talk a lot over this weekend, then see where they're going to go. They've been together a year or so I think and broken up twice in that time. She's high energy and can turn in to a human tornado of emotion, especially around her stressful job managing a retreat center. He (my housemate) is more introverted and gets overwhelmed with her agitation.
He also feels taken for granted, as well as devalued at times when she has had "friendships" pop up from the past with other guys. She's been a very free spirit over the years, traveling a lot, lovers in every port, etc. Anyway, they do have lots of chemistry and have been trying very hard, so actually I hope they can work it out.
To catch up on my own mess, when I got back from Christmas, there was an email from S (I'm going to call him S for Snake, instead of sh/cm, because it fits my feelings right now) saying his romantic feelings had faded the last few days - not because of any focus on another person - but on their own accord. And he wanted to enter the New Year as friends.
Well, that hurt. Even though I was uncertain what I wanted, there was at least some hope, and we had been processing relationship issues together over email. This felt like yet another slap. I do have to admit that I emailed him first, the day before, saying that I needed to step back emotionally. I had asked him what he was doing for Christmas and there was a deafening silence on that front, which clearly indicated he spent it with his ex. It made me realize how very uncomfortable I still was with the whole situation and that I couldn't really be processing anything with him while this was going on. But I expected him to understand; for us to pull back but there be a desire on his part to continue talking later.
As I write this, I realize I probably shouldn't have been processing things with him in the first place at this time, all things considered. But it is SO hard to break up with someone and just float out into the ether. It's an emotional shock and leaves such a huge gaping hole in your heart, as well as your life (I imagine you all know what I'm talking about). It sounds good to "be tough," but it feels horrible.
Anyway, I responded to his post-Christmas email with a fairly short response saying I had sadly come to doubt his capacity to be truthful, as well as his very character, and I didn't want to be friends. That I may want to talk at some point in the future but, for now, goodbye. That felt right and strong but then the recent lonely days wore on me. . . I know I should be getting out and distracting myself, but I'm low on money after Christmas and feeling low energy too.
So, I had a mini-slip yesterday and sent him an article from Psychology Today called, "Promise Keepers - The Committed Partners Who Stay Faithful to Each Other," about the 50% of relationships in which both partners manage to remain faithful. I saw the flaws of our relationship in some of the qualities she described, and it evoked both an ache and an excited feeling of affirmation, like, "Yes, yes, that's what I wanted!" For example, this section on "Inclusion":
Think inclusion rather than exclusion. Faithful partners know the differences between privacy and secrecy. Private thoughts or actions do not necessarily threaten a relationship, but may. Anyone can be more susceptible to slipping from something innocent to a potentially dangerous situation. Faithful partners put their relationship above those possibilities.
Continuing to slowly climb out of the hole. Gradually relying less on vices to cope with my grief. Trying to bring in some meditation and writing. Still drinking more than usual and watching a lot of television though.
My housemate came back from New York where his family lives, but he's been staying over at his girlfriend's (or whatever she is right now) house. I guess the idea is to spend a lot of time together and talk a lot over this weekend, then see where they're going to go. They've been together a year or so I think and broken up twice in that time. She's high energy and can turn in to a human tornado of emotion, especially around her stressful job managing a retreat center. He (my housemate) is more introverted and gets overwhelmed with her agitation.
He also feels taken for granted, as well as devalued at times when she has had "friendships" pop up from the past with other guys. She's been a very free spirit over the years, traveling a lot, lovers in every port, etc. Anyway, they do have lots of chemistry and have been trying very hard, so actually I hope they can work it out.
To catch up on my own mess, when I got back from Christmas, there was an email from S (I'm going to call him S for Snake, instead of sh/cm, because it fits my feelings right now) saying his romantic feelings had faded the last few days - not because of any focus on another person - but on their own accord. And he wanted to enter the New Year as friends.
Well, that hurt. Even though I was uncertain what I wanted, there was at least some hope, and we had been processing relationship issues together over email. This felt like yet another slap. I do have to admit that I emailed him first, the day before, saying that I needed to step back emotionally. I had asked him what he was doing for Christmas and there was a deafening silence on that front, which clearly indicated he spent it with his ex. It made me realize how very uncomfortable I still was with the whole situation and that I couldn't really be processing anything with him while this was going on. But I expected him to understand; for us to pull back but there be a desire on his part to continue talking later.
As I write this, I realize I probably shouldn't have been processing things with him in the first place at this time, all things considered. But it is SO hard to break up with someone and just float out into the ether. It's an emotional shock and leaves such a huge gaping hole in your heart, as well as your life (I imagine you all know what I'm talking about). It sounds good to "be tough," but it feels horrible.
Anyway, I responded to his post-Christmas email with a fairly short response saying I had sadly come to doubt his capacity to be truthful, as well as his very character, and I didn't want to be friends. That I may want to talk at some point in the future but, for now, goodbye. That felt right and strong but then the recent lonely days wore on me. . . I know I should be getting out and distracting myself, but I'm low on money after Christmas and feeling low energy too.
So, I had a mini-slip yesterday and sent him an article from Psychology Today called, "Promise Keepers - The Committed Partners Who Stay Faithful to Each Other," about the 50% of relationships in which both partners manage to remain faithful. I saw the flaws of our relationship in some of the qualities she described, and it evoked both an ache and an excited feeling of affirmation, like, "Yes, yes, that's what I wanted!" For example, this section on "Inclusion":
Think inclusion rather than exclusion. Faithful partners know the differences between privacy and secrecy. Private thoughts or actions do not necessarily threaten a relationship, but may. Anyone can be more susceptible to slipping from something innocent to a potentially dangerous situation. Faithful partners put their relationship above those possibilities.
Intimacy is about trust, trust is about honesty, and honesty is about not hiding anything. When partners have nothing to hide, they don't end up fugitives from each other. They don't want to harbor concerns that what they are doing could potentially threaten the sanctity of their bond.
In the moment of reading the article, I felt deeply compelled to send it to S. I thought I was coming from a somewhat detached place of wanting him to understand what might have helped us, but also an altruistic desire to help him learn for whatever possible future relationship he ended up in. In retrospect, I wanted him to understand what he did "wrong" and what kind of relationship I wanted, but also it was a little piece of connection with him. I'm definitely getting stronger and feeling more balanced, but clearly still struggling with the loneliness and separation.
So, I guess I wanted to "tell" on myself here. I don't know what he's got going on with his ex - they could be making like bunnies over there - but it's not my business and it's not really the point. He behaved very badly. I need MUCH more respect, transparency, and caring for my feelings from a partner I'm with long term. I am deeply disappointed and sad about the choices he made and for the way things ended, but I take responsibility for having doubts and issues of my own that seriously affected our relationship.
At this point, I'm trying to find faith that there may be someone else out there for me with a stronger character and a stronger chemistry with me, who still has a lot of the wonderful shared values, interests, goals, and communication that S and I shared. But sometimes I'm not so sure. . .
12/26/2011
The Blahs
Checking in from Oregon. Like many other folks out there, I've had a mixed emotion Christmas, tinged with melancholy.
It's been wonderful to spend time with my niece and nephew, of course, and I'll be heading over to my sister's again in a little while for a last dinner and visit. Watching them open and play with presents yesterday and goofing around with them was priceless.
But today, my mood has been hovering in the crabby zone, likely in part because I drank (along with my brother, sister-in-law, and brother-in-law) quite a bit last night - for me, at least. I haven't felt hungover, just kind of blah and sad.
Not surprisingly, I'm also feeling melancholy about my relationship situation. I wish I weren't, but I am.
We were sending some emails back and forth, continuing to process stuff, but I decided I need to step back emotionally. We started talking as if we may get back together, but I can't go there while his ex is still staying with him.
And even then. . . I know there are no guarantees, but I need to have more faith that he will value my feelings in his future decision-making. The way this whole things went down was super lame, and I'm still angry and hurt about it.
On my side of the fence, I need to decide if I can accept him and his imperfections enough to fully step over the line into commitment, and I'm not there yet. So I emailed him that I needed to emotionally step back for now, considering our current context, and I hope he understood my perspective.
Which was the right thing to do for me. But I'm still sad.
Ending on an up note: I got an iPhone for Christmas, yippee!!! And some extra money to cover the additional data plan cost for a few months! Yay! The phone ships on January fourth, so I have a wait a couple weeks, but I'm excited.
12/22/2011
Tripping
I'm driving up to Oregon tomorrow for Christmas and have several things to accomplish today before that happens. The hot fudge is completed at least and most other presents purchased. I guess I'm looking forward to seeing my family (some of them anyway).
I'm still feeling sad but, after talking to sh/cm on Tuesday night, I'm not as darkly depressed. Perhaps I'm in denial, because we are still broken up. But it helped to talk through the situation with his ex, as well as other issues in our relationship.
Regarding his approach to the ex situation, talk about denial! Despite the intense feelings I expressed multiple times on the subject, he still thought, "We'll get through it somehow, it will all be okay." He described this as believing in the strength of our relationship; I call it being thick-headed and stubborn.
He did say he had shifted emotionally and understood my feelings, and admitted he would have had a problem if the situation were reversed (and I admitted most people would struggle with their partner living with someone of the opposite gender, which seemed to mean a lot to him). I think it was something he believed he "had" to do, and clung to the belief that it would all work out somehow with the strategy of him staying at my place a lot, etc.
When the proverbial excrement actually hit the fan and she said she was coming for a month, we also had been having problems and he was hurt and angry, which played into the way he handled it.
Bottom line, I am deeply disappointed that he didn't communicate more openly with me as a partner, with consideration for both our needs and feelings. I'm sad that he didn't initially empathize with my feelings and take them more seriously. He shared that he believed both of our jealousy was "unsustainable" and would have to lessen. And that I would get more emotionally stormy than him about things, and he saw his role as upholding medium and long-term goals. Or something like that.
I see the point of not always "buying in" to my emotions, especially around certain times in my cycle, but this was an issue that goes back to the start of our relationship, had come up several times, and was much more deeply rooted. I know my own reactions to it are partially fueled by my own issues and insecurities but that's part of what I want a partner to do, be sensitive and help reassure me in areas where I struggle.
Granted, we each need to take responsibility for our own issues/reactions versus making the other person wrong, which is easier said than done. But, basically, I wanted him to care about my feelings and work together to find a way to deal with the situation that was tolerable for both of us.
The other topic I want to mention relates to his emotional wound or trauma (he describes it as a dark void), which he had recently gotten in touch with when we first got together. He talked about wanting to actively work with it but never really started on that process, which is what he says he wants to do now. We'll see. But it takes hold of him at times and causes him to see me as a bad person or purposefully unloving or hurtful. It's the worst feeling to be on the receiving end of this, and, looking back on our emails over the past several months, has sabotaged the strength and joy in our relationship many times. I know that my issues around perfectionism, as well as the aforementioned jealousy/insecurity, have also caused problems and pain, so I'm certainly not without blame.
Anyway, sorry for the ongoing analysis! I'm deep in it right now. I did go on a date Monday night. We looked at Christmas lights and all the festivities going on down in Union Square in San Fran.cisco. It was enjoyable and he's an intelligent, good guy, but the attraction wasn't particularly strong. I might go out with him again, just for equilibrium purposes, when I get back from Oregon.
As a side note, sh/cm gave me a romantic, loving card and bought me a huge book of Romantic/Post-Romantic poetry, which felt loving and like an effort of sorts. He also insisted on giving me some money to deal with car stuff, which I initially resisted but ended up taking because I would not have had to spend this money if we had gone to Oregon together, as planned. And we drank wine and spent some time kissing, which may not be a "good" thing but felt very good.
I'm still feeling sad but, after talking to sh/cm on Tuesday night, I'm not as darkly depressed. Perhaps I'm in denial, because we are still broken up. But it helped to talk through the situation with his ex, as well as other issues in our relationship.
Regarding his approach to the ex situation, talk about denial! Despite the intense feelings I expressed multiple times on the subject, he still thought, "We'll get through it somehow, it will all be okay." He described this as believing in the strength of our relationship; I call it being thick-headed and stubborn.
He did say he had shifted emotionally and understood my feelings, and admitted he would have had a problem if the situation were reversed (and I admitted most people would struggle with their partner living with someone of the opposite gender, which seemed to mean a lot to him). I think it was something he believed he "had" to do, and clung to the belief that it would all work out somehow with the strategy of him staying at my place a lot, etc.
When the proverbial excrement actually hit the fan and she said she was coming for a month, we also had been having problems and he was hurt and angry, which played into the way he handled it.
Bottom line, I am deeply disappointed that he didn't communicate more openly with me as a partner, with consideration for both our needs and feelings. I'm sad that he didn't initially empathize with my feelings and take them more seriously. He shared that he believed both of our jealousy was "unsustainable" and would have to lessen. And that I would get more emotionally stormy than him about things, and he saw his role as upholding medium and long-term goals. Or something like that.
I see the point of not always "buying in" to my emotions, especially around certain times in my cycle, but this was an issue that goes back to the start of our relationship, had come up several times, and was much more deeply rooted. I know my own reactions to it are partially fueled by my own issues and insecurities but that's part of what I want a partner to do, be sensitive and help reassure me in areas where I struggle.
Granted, we each need to take responsibility for our own issues/reactions versus making the other person wrong, which is easier said than done. But, basically, I wanted him to care about my feelings and work together to find a way to deal with the situation that was tolerable for both of us.
The other topic I want to mention relates to his emotional wound or trauma (he describes it as a dark void), which he had recently gotten in touch with when we first got together. He talked about wanting to actively work with it but never really started on that process, which is what he says he wants to do now. We'll see. But it takes hold of him at times and causes him to see me as a bad person or purposefully unloving or hurtful. It's the worst feeling to be on the receiving end of this, and, looking back on our emails over the past several months, has sabotaged the strength and joy in our relationship many times. I know that my issues around perfectionism, as well as the aforementioned jealousy/insecurity, have also caused problems and pain, so I'm certainly not without blame.
Anyway, sorry for the ongoing analysis! I'm deep in it right now. I did go on a date Monday night. We looked at Christmas lights and all the festivities going on down in Union Square in San Fran.cisco. It was enjoyable and he's an intelligent, good guy, but the attraction wasn't particularly strong. I might go out with him again, just for equilibrium purposes, when I get back from Oregon.
As a side note, sh/cm gave me a romantic, loving card and bought me a huge book of Romantic/Post-Romantic poetry, which felt loving and like an effort of sorts. He also insisted on giving me some money to deal with car stuff, which I initially resisted but ended up taking because I would not have had to spend this money if we had gone to Oregon together, as planned. And we drank wine and spent some time kissing, which may not be a "good" thing but felt very good.
12/15/2011
Time of Darkness
Yes, it's my life, but I kinda wish it weren't right now. I apologize in advance for what may be a darkish post.
Since last Spring, I felt like I was building the life I envision for myself: a partner in life with whom a share values and meaningful goals, a family, a community of interconnected, like-minded people, work that sustains me on multiple levels. As this relationship seems to be crumbling around me, I have a sense that most of these building blocks are crumbling along with it. I literally (hat off to Rob Lowe) feel like dying when I imagine returning to my single life, at least as it was before.
I finally spoke in person with sh/cm last night, but it was an unsatisfying exchange. Though we did connect for a short time and he admitted he was a complete mess the day after I broke up with him, for the most part he wasn't really present. When I asked him questions, he gave rational, measured answers, laced with sympathy. Yuck. Apparently, when he officially broke it off with his ex way back when in I think May (well, broke off their plans to give it another try; the marriage had ended a couple years prior), they talked about her still coming out around this time to wrap things up with work stuff, and he said he figured at that time that she would stay with him. What?! The relief I felt when he broke it off was huge, as it had been something hanging over us for those first few weeks when we were both technically uncommitted and dating others (but in reality were exclusive). To hear that the trip, albeit shorter, was always planned, and that he assumed she would stay with him was hard to hear.
As an aside, I should say that during our conversation, I felt compelled to ask about whether he had any hope that we could work on his/my/our issues together, in some of the ways we had talked about before. He basically said he's scared of his own negative patterns and how they affect him and affected us, and he needs to work on these on his own, outside of a relationship.
But stepping back, we had been having trouble for quite a while. Remember all the jealousy? I think that stemmed from a lack of trust and security on both of our parts. I read something recently that said women's libido stems from a sense that the guy is hot for her and also trust. As we went along, my trust in him diminished instead of grew, partly because he was not consistently sexually forward, as he had been, and partly because he told me he had spoken to his ex without telling me and that she was coming out for two weeks in January (the first I'd heard of it). I don't remember when that was exactly - two or three months ago? On my part, I questioned whether we had enough chemistry and expressed my doubts at times in ways that lessened his security, as well.
But ironically, he was the one who I would say had the most jealousy in our relationship, primarily around my platonic housemate. I did come to understand and empathize with his insecurity around that situation, since the housemate and I are friends and we were, after all, living under the same roof. But he would communicate these feelings in irrational ways that made me feel like I was actually cheating on him or doing something horribly out of line - like when I answered his phone call when driving in the car to theatre group with the housemate and wasn't as present as he felt I should be or when I didn't text him back that day not long ago. Feelings, yes, I could certainly understand him having feelings about these things but it came out in terse, analytical, "grilling me"-type exchanges, which left me feeling defensive and sad.
Why did I put up with this? Because from the beginning, he and I have had so many wonderful, connected times too. We are on the same page in so. many. ways. It's HIGHLY unusual in my experience to have so much in common with another person. And we did have a strong attraction at the beginning and off and on throughout the relationship - though more off at the end. Anyway, we could have great discussions about projects, issues, and feelings, and it was awesome being part of the same community and focused on similar environmental/social change issues. And just having a companion for the more mundane things in life is so wonderful - everything from making dinner; to Farmer's Markets, community potlucks/meetings, and trips (well the trip to Oregon sucked, but other trips); and just hanging out all felt so good when we were "in it together."
Thinking of life without this companionship feels empty and cold, almost unbearable. Yet, I must bear it. I'm getting through one day at a time, the non-12-step way: drinking more than I should, even smoking cigarettes yesterday. I'm sleeping okay, still exercising, and eating not too horribly, so I guess it's not a complete mess.
But I'm sad. And I'm hurt. And I know I had a part in the relationship breaking up, but right now it feels like he lit the final fuse and that sucks.
I have a date from Mat.ch.co.m on Saturday night: an effort to soothe my heart and ego, but I doubt it will amount to anything because of where I'm at emotionally plus I don't think the guy has enough emotional depth. Honestly, at some level, I'm probably doing it to balance the situation with his ex, which is ridiculous because what does it matter now?
Thank you for listening to this disjointed outpouring. Birthday and Christmas here I come, but my bells are broken.
Since last Spring, I felt like I was building the life I envision for myself: a partner in life with whom a share values and meaningful goals, a family, a community of interconnected, like-minded people, work that sustains me on multiple levels. As this relationship seems to be crumbling around me, I have a sense that most of these building blocks are crumbling along with it. I literally (hat off to Rob Lowe) feel like dying when I imagine returning to my single life, at least as it was before.
I finally spoke in person with sh/cm last night, but it was an unsatisfying exchange. Though we did connect for a short time and he admitted he was a complete mess the day after I broke up with him, for the most part he wasn't really present. When I asked him questions, he gave rational, measured answers, laced with sympathy. Yuck. Apparently, when he officially broke it off with his ex way back when in I think May (well, broke off their plans to give it another try; the marriage had ended a couple years prior), they talked about her still coming out around this time to wrap things up with work stuff, and he said he figured at that time that she would stay with him. What?! The relief I felt when he broke it off was huge, as it had been something hanging over us for those first few weeks when we were both technically uncommitted and dating others (but in reality were exclusive). To hear that the trip, albeit shorter, was always planned, and that he assumed she would stay with him was hard to hear.
As an aside, I should say that during our conversation, I felt compelled to ask about whether he had any hope that we could work on his/my/our issues together, in some of the ways we had talked about before. He basically said he's scared of his own negative patterns and how they affect him and affected us, and he needs to work on these on his own, outside of a relationship.
But stepping back, we had been having trouble for quite a while. Remember all the jealousy? I think that stemmed from a lack of trust and security on both of our parts. I read something recently that said women's libido stems from a sense that the guy is hot for her and also trust. As we went along, my trust in him diminished instead of grew, partly because he was not consistently sexually forward, as he had been, and partly because he told me he had spoken to his ex without telling me and that she was coming out for two weeks in January (the first I'd heard of it). I don't remember when that was exactly - two or three months ago? On my part, I questioned whether we had enough chemistry and expressed my doubts at times in ways that lessened his security, as well.
But ironically, he was the one who I would say had the most jealousy in our relationship, primarily around my platonic housemate. I did come to understand and empathize with his insecurity around that situation, since the housemate and I are friends and we were, after all, living under the same roof. But he would communicate these feelings in irrational ways that made me feel like I was actually cheating on him or doing something horribly out of line - like when I answered his phone call when driving in the car to theatre group with the housemate and wasn't as present as he felt I should be or when I didn't text him back that day not long ago. Feelings, yes, I could certainly understand him having feelings about these things but it came out in terse, analytical, "grilling me"-type exchanges, which left me feeling defensive and sad.
Why did I put up with this? Because from the beginning, he and I have had so many wonderful, connected times too. We are on the same page in so. many. ways. It's HIGHLY unusual in my experience to have so much in common with another person. And we did have a strong attraction at the beginning and off and on throughout the relationship - though more off at the end. Anyway, we could have great discussions about projects, issues, and feelings, and it was awesome being part of the same community and focused on similar environmental/social change issues. And just having a companion for the more mundane things in life is so wonderful - everything from making dinner; to Farmer's Markets, community potlucks/meetings, and trips (well the trip to Oregon sucked, but other trips); and just hanging out all felt so good when we were "in it together."
Thinking of life without this companionship feels empty and cold, almost unbearable. Yet, I must bear it. I'm getting through one day at a time, the non-12-step way: drinking more than I should, even smoking cigarettes yesterday. I'm sleeping okay, still exercising, and eating not too horribly, so I guess it's not a complete mess.
But I'm sad. And I'm hurt. And I know I had a part in the relationship breaking up, but right now it feels like he lit the final fuse and that sucks.
I have a date from Mat.ch.co.m on Saturday night: an effort to soothe my heart and ego, but I doubt it will amount to anything because of where I'm at emotionally plus I don't think the guy has enough emotional depth. Honestly, at some level, I'm probably doing it to balance the situation with his ex, which is ridiculous because what does it matter now?
Thank you for listening to this disjointed outpouring. Birthday and Christmas here I come, but my bells are broken.
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