Dreaming of Elephants

I had a dream last night that was so strange and yet so in line with the struggles in my psyche right now!  There was literally an "elephant in the room"!  I'll try and remember what I can and put it in context...

First, some background leading up to this dream:

I've been progressing with S.  We had a lovely Christmas Eve and Christmas day together.  He fit in well at my friend E's house, and we enjoyed our time at my brother-in-laws family home: we had a "dance party," with iTunes open and the kids picking songs; we sipped top-notch wine (bro-in-law's dad is very knowledgeable about wines) and had a civil dialogue about the Occupation movement and property destruction and human rights, which says a lot, considering our different political viewpoints; and I had a lovely time coloring with my niece - a bonding activity with her I've come to treasure.

It was a "big deal" that S had a positive experience with (part of) my family, since we are still recovering (in terms of family connections) from the memorably bad trip to Oregon in October 2011.

The morning of the 26th, S took off to spend time with his dad's side of the family and his young adult daughter, before she likely moves to D.C. for political work.  I understood why I was not invited, as he is still repairing and building his relationship with his daughter after a difficult divorce and separation from her during her latter teen years.  He wanted some focused dad time with her before she leaves.  I'm really happy for them and so enjoyed finally meeting and spending time with her at the 49ers game we attended a few weeks ago.

Anyway, prior to him taking off, he brought up the possibility of moving into my house!  The house where he's been living has become less desirable for various reasons.  We both acknowledged it might be a tad premature, all things considered, but could be wonderful too.  There is a studio room out back, separate from the main house, that would be good place for him to work and spend time, as well as allow us both our space.

All this to say, we've had a lot of good time together and our commitment to one another is rapidly growing.  Part of this growth, by the way, includes a decision to make a few last active attempts at pregnancy, starting with an appointment with a new doc on January 7th.  I will share more about this in another post.

But back to the dream... not unsurprisingly, as we become more committed, my intimacy fears become more activated.  My mind wants to fixate at times on the ways he is not perfect - primarily the ways he is not physically perfect - for me.  We have a lot of attraction for each other and - sorry for TMI - have regular, "hot" (at least the way I define "hot" :) sex.  And.  He is not "perfect."  I have been in relationships where I have had more pure, physical chemistry with someone.  For example, my old flame, R, who I shared about last year.  R was wrong for me on every other level, including being a raving alcoholic, and only became a worse match over time.  But we still had that strong, basic physical chemistry.  Thus leading to last night's dream (please excuse the "dream-like" vagueness):

It started with R and I in a school or place where we worked and leaving to meet up together.  I had awareness that he was still married and was feeling great attraction and compulsion to be with him.  Then we were together, and I remember a sense of not having anything deep to say to one another.  

The next scene, we're in his house and S is there.  I'm with S, and I'm touching his back and he has some sort of contraption on like a spanx thing or something (I know this is super weird!).  I touch the edge, and he acknowledges he has it on with a nod (I think that's acknowledging something about age or not having physical perfection.  Both S and I could afford to lose a few pounds).  R was siting across from us and it felt awkward.  I pulled R out to talk with him and try to smooth things over.  I told S that we'd be back in a few minutes, which was an important component to S feeling okay about it.

Then the scene seems to switch and R is gone, and there is a huge elephant coming up the stairs and into the room.  I run out the back door onto the roof or patio and try to block the door, but I know it's a feeble attempt and the elephant will be able to break through.  

I start looking for a way down off the roof and see that it's a loooong way down, but I know I've climbed down before and can do it.  So I'm trying to get the nerve and find the right spot to climb over the railing and work my way down the ladder trellis on the side of the building.  At this point, a couple people from the soap opera Days of Our Lives are there (one was Bo! and another female) and strategizing with me.  That's all I remember...

Crazy, right?  When I woke up, I had an insight that part of my fear is closing the door on the opportunity for "perfect" physical chemistry with someone.  I'm a bit embarrassed to admit I also thought about possibilities of us eventually having some "non-traditional" relationship, where another person might join us in commitment.  I've actually known other families with this structure, so it's not completely made up for me.  I doubt I would ever be comfortable with this, or that S would.  I know I would never be comfortable with an "open" relationship or with "polyamory," where each of us have relationships separate from our commitment/marriage.  But the idea of bringing another person into a commitment with us feels different.

I'm sure some of you are thinking I've gone off the deep end at this point!  Again, I likely would never do this, but I think considering and talking about it with S may be part of the journey of going over the line into acceptance and full commitment with him.

Have you heard of or known people who had alternative families like this?  Or, on another note, any comments on my dream?

If I don't write before then (S and I are going to San Diego over New Year's to visit his brother's family), I hope all of you have a Very Happy New Year!  And may you receive multitudinous blessings of your heart's desires and more in the coming year!!!

NaBloPoMo and MAYBE

One thing I know about myself:  I tend to be externally motivated.  As much as I would like to operate like the Energizer Bunny, consistently powered by some unseen internal energy source, I seem to do best with a deadline, a looming visit, or a good old-fashioned kick in the butt.  So on that note, I am excited to announce my commitment to NaBloPoMo or "National Blog Posting Month."  As you can see below, the theme for this month is "MAYBE," and there will also be various writing prompts I may use for inspiration.  Wish me luck!


May's theme for daily blogging: MAYBE. Maybe can sound like a wishy-washy word, a non-commitment.  It can show ambivalence, being of two minds about something.  Or maybe can also be seen as a word embodying potential -- maybe looks to the future, to possibilities, to things that may happen.  May is a great month for exploring future wishes as well as looking at the words as they scroll across the screen, planning how you'll move them from "maybe" to "yes."  Images can explore the unknown, things that may be.

On another note, I am slowly but surely moving on from my intense foray into the past with R.  Last week I read something I found helpful.  It may sound incredibly obvious but you know how sometimes the time is just right to hear something and it hits you in a new way?  That's what happened when I read a reminder that I CAN'T control anyone else and further more, I have NO RIGHT to control anyone else.  And that includes trying to make someone communicate with you.  

So even though I would love to talk to R and have emotional closure that feels more clear and complete, I accept that may never happen.  I wrote him a final email that I feel good about: acknowledging that we have learned we want different things in a relationship right now, saying that while I wish he would communicate and don't like his behavior, I still love him, wish him well and am grateful for the positive aspects of our reconnection.  I can say that I feel finished and am moving on.

Speaking of which, I went on a breakfast and dancing date this morning!  A WHAT, you say?  A fun breakfast and dancing date!  It is a little unusual, I guess.  I met this guy, D, on an internet dating site and we exchanged some emails and a couple of calls before heading out this morning to breakfast at a local coffee shop.  He is a therapist (super cool in my book) and is spiritual and into dancing (super super cool).  He is not necessarily "my type" looks-wise, but it was definitely a situation where he grew more attractive the more time we spent together.  

And after breakfast and lovely conversation, he came with me to my ecstatic dance group!  And fit right in and had a great time!  It means a LOT to me that he was able to jump in and dance and be comfortable in that scene, because not everyone could or would.  I liked having him there; dancing with him and also being able to go off and dance on my own and know he would be fine.  

Afterwards, he dropped me off and headed home, following a tour of our backyard garden and sharing a couple of sweet kisses. 

So I guess that's my "MAYBE" for the day:  MAYBE this date will lead to something special!  (or MAYBE not)  More shall be revealed. . .

Endings and Beginnings

Sorry for the long absence, time flies!  I went up to Oregon for my Grandma's memorial on Sunday, heading up there Thursday evening and driving back Monday.  The memorial was small, just 15 or so people, and we went out afterwards (some more family members met us then) at McMen.amin's Restaurant.

A little about the service:  My cousin made a lovely photo collage of my Grandma over the years and with various people and that, along with the flowers was placed in front of her crypt (right word?) at the front of our gathering.  I was taken off guard by the song they chose to start the service.  It was moving and had both me and my Grandpa crying.  Since I had not cried since she passed away, it felt like a positive release.  After my Uncle talked about her life, I and others shared some memories and feelings.  I took part of my blog entry pretty much verbatim, so you heard what I said before anyone else!

Strangely, weddings and funerals seem to bring people together in a way nothing else does.  Because this was my birth mom's mother, I was closer and spent more time with her family than my brother or sister.  But they both came to the memorial to support me.

I was especially surprised that my sister came.  She had not seen or talked to them in a long time, and she and I have not had a particularly close relationship as adults - though that has been changing ever so slowly, in part I think because I love her kids so much.

Anyway, it felt heartwarming that they both decided to come and also to see my sister's husband and kids and my brother and his new wife sitting at a table with my Grandpa, Aunt and Uncle, and cousin's and kids.  It felt like the coming together of two of my worlds. . . unexpectedly satisfying.

So you might be wondering where or if R fits into the trip up North. . . Initially I had planned to drive up to Seattle Monday, instead of back home, to visit R and go on a couple of interviews.  Unfortunately, after having a couple of fun and connected Sk.ype conversations, we bumped off the track again.  And after sporadic to no phone calls for a few days, I told him I was "throwing the white flag" and ending our romantic connection.  I said I would still like to see him and talk to him while I was up there, but he never called back.

In the end, I wanted a different level of intimacy and consciousness in the relationship than he was currently comfortable with and our lifestyles around alcohol/partying are just too disparate.  Or at least that's my summary, and I'm sticking to it!  I have felt sad but also clear, like it was the right decision.

I have to admit that there is still a part of me that holds out a hope that he might make some different choices that would bring us back together.  It's so hard to relinquish the highly unique (in my experience) passion/chemistry aspect, but I have to trust the path is leading where I am meant to go.  Whatever happens, I am still so grateful overall that he came back into my life to bring healing/closure on the past. . . and to motivate me to get in shape!  lol

The last thing I wanted to share involves an interview I had today with Arth.ur Murr.ay Dance.  Please send me good thoughts!  If I make it through the next interview and then through a several-day dance audition, I will be accepted into their instructor training program.  This is sort of "out of the blue," but I feel excited about the possibility, so I'm going with it!

What else can I do?

I promised to check in about the ttc/child topic a couple posts back and realized I haven't done that yet. . .

From talking to R, I think this topic was a prominent fear in his mind heading into our recent time together.  For some reason, I was able to put the topic on the back burner after our initial conversation, in which we both came to a point of agreement around possible adoption.  I wasn't ready to give up on the biological choice yet, but was willing to let it go for now so that we could focus on getting to know one another again and whether we had long-term potential.  I guess for him, it continued to percolate and cause him concern.

Sometimes my idealism even drives myself crazy!  It's always been this way with me:  I have this unshakable belief that if two people really love one another that all the other pieces will fall into place and work themselves out.  Logically, I know life just isn't that simple and some issues will never be resolved to the satisfaction of both parties.  My optimism just won't be tamed though.

Anyway, at the end of my time up there, we touched on this topic and then again on the phone after I returned.  It seems we are still at odds.  Understandably, he feels a lot of responsibility for me if I chose to move up there to be with him, and then it didn't work out between us.

And interestingly, when it looked like R and I might stop seeing each other, I spent some time reflecting and asking for guidance in my life.  Guess what popped up right away?  Yep, refocusing on ttc and having a child!

I even got back on the co-parenting website and talked with a guy up in Alaska (Hi SIF!) who is separated, already has three kids but really wants more.  He is actually in politics, as well as the military, and seemed like a very solid guy (unlike many of the guys on there).

But because he is not divorced yet and things still sound rocky with his ex, and because R and I started talking and I wanted to give our relationship a chance, I put the co-parenting possibility back on the shelf for now.

I know I want a family.  I guess I'm emotionally open to different ways of working towards that goal right now, but it's definitely my highest priority.

If R and I did end up together (which is very much up in the air), he would be my family to start with, and I would gain his family members who live close by, including his 15-year-old.  And if he didn't open his mind/heart to trying for a biological child - and getting that reverse vasectomy yikes! - then we would have time to work toward adoption.

The strange thing is, when I try to imagine he and I in a household raising a child together, I just cannot do it at this point.  Is that a bad sign?  I'm thinking it is just the uncertainty about where our relationship is heading at this point and the newness of our interaction.  When I think of being around him, I think of playing and activities and to be honest, sexy times.  So it's not really a "child oriented" vision of us at this point.

All that to say, I guess I'm still in limboland around ttc, but family is always forefront on my mind.  And a big part of my decision-making process as I keep moving forward.

The hard fact continues to be that I just plain do not have a lot of control right now.  I can't dictate when someone chooses to hire me, I can't choose whether R and I work out, I can't actively ttc on my own right now due to financial limitations and lack of fertility coverage.

I am trying to do what I can to influence these factors, while at the same time not freaking out over aspects beyond my control.  What else can I do?

Eventful Week

It has been an eventful week.  On the employment front, I started a part-time dog-walking job for a nice lady in my neighborhood who has limited mobility.  It's not a lot, but it's nice to have a little extra income.  I have continued to apply for positions, as I find them. . . haven't heard back from the interview I had a couple weeks ago.

In sadder news, my beloved Grandma passed away last Tuesday.  I mentioned her in a previous post, and how R and I (and my grandpa) visited her in the nursing facility before leaving Eugene.  We held hands the entire visit, and she was relatively coherent, even making a joke and laughing a few times.  I am so grateful for that last time together.

One funny aspect of the visit: she kept asking where we were going to live after we were married!  It was cute.  I don't mind that she thought we were getting married, as she always wanted that for me and it might have made her happy.

I knew her time was limited and it had been a year or two since she had really been herself, able to carry on the level of connected conversation we had always shared.  In a way, I did lose her gradually, but it still never prepares you for someone actually passing away.

I was always her "favorite" and she was always my "special person," who knew, loved, and accepted me unconditionally.  We shared so many special times together, from crafts and cookies, to Christmas trees and caroling.  She had unending patience for playing dolls and games with me, and later we shared innumerable deep conversations about life and love and family.

After losing my mother at age four, my grandmother really was the only mother-type figure in my life, and no one can ever take her place.  She will always be in my heart and will live on in me and who I am and will become.  The day she passed away, a "paradise" finch with a beautiful red head and throat visited me twice: once in the morning and again in the afternoon.  I had never seen this bird in our yard before, and it may sound crazy, but I believe my grandmother was with me at these times.

Regarding R, after a few days of talking very little, we have had several good conversations.  We agreed that I would be more sensitive or flexible about bringing up and talking about issues between us, and he would be more forthcoming with his big picture thoughts before making decisions.

We experienced "Sky.pe" together, which was a lot of fun (very different level of connection).

I have had periods of doubt and anxiety, wondering whether our differences are surmountable, and whether he is willing or able to build/maintain the level of emotional intimacy that I desire.  And whether he values self examination and growth, maybe not to the same degree, but at least to some extent.  The way he withdrew after our conflict in Washington is definitely of concern to me, though he later said that was extreme and not typical behavior.

Time will tell, I guess.  I love him.  He loves me.  But we know that is not necessarily enough.

I am glad I don't have plans tomorrow.  I want to spend some time reflecting and reading.  Then dancing on Sunday.  My running discipline has continued on Monday, Wednesday, Fridays, so I feel positive about that.  Hope you all have a good weekend.

Disappointing Trip Report - Part II

For some reason, I am not so excited to tell the rest of this story. . . but I feel I should in case anyone is wondering how the trip unfolded (it went on for another several days until last Friday).  And to capture it for posterity.

Soooo, after R dropped his little bomb, I became very upset and started packing my clothes, asking him to book me the next flight out.  It was high drama:  me crying and pulling clothes off hangers, stuffing them in the suitcase, shrugging off his attempt to comfort me, demanding that he get me the next flight.

When he eventually complied, I had one of those moments where you are struck with such undeniable clarity, do you know what I mean?  I KNEW I was not going to get on that plane, that I literally could not get on that plane.  And when I came to that conclusion, a calm washed over me:  I'm sure in part due to feeling some control over a very out of control situation, but also because I really think it was the right thing to do.  Because until that point, R was emotionally shut down, but after that?  Complete and utter shock, anger, shaking, heart palpitations. . . and I know this sounds heartless but it felt really good for him to engage emotionally in some way, even if it was negative.  Anyway, after some further back and forth and ugliness, he left.  Later, he confessed he slept in the car that night.

After he left, I felt upset but also calm and still like it was the right thing.  Very strange.  I tried to contact him the next day but he did not respond, though he actually came home very early in the morning to shower (he stayed at his friend's house).

The following day, I wrote him an email apologizing for my part of things, addressing extenuating circumstances (such as this triggering our time together before when he 'pulled the rug out' from under our relationship, family emotions, drinking, pms, etc.).  He wrote saying he appreciated the email but could not deal with things right now, felt horrible, admitted he just wanted to run away.  I said I understood but I still hoped he would talk to me.

The following morning when he came home to shower, I got up and talked to him in a half-asleep stupor.  It seemed like he kind of expected me to do that.  It actually felt good to talk to him, though we did agree I would confirm a plane reservation for the following day.

He came home that night and we talked for a couple hours further.  Some good understanding emerged, including that when I express a feeling or concern, I am not looking to hurt or punish him, or for him to fix it.  Most often, I just want understanding and empathy.

A light bulb clicked on for me when he talked about HOW I bring up a concern; i.e. first distancing and then talking in a cool, critical tone.  He said there are other ways to get his attention and demonstrated keeping connection, warmth, physicality.  Very interesting and useful information for me, as he is not the first person to feel picked at or criticized by the way I communicate feelings.  He in particular seems affected by my frustration/criticism because of many years with an ex-wife who was, in his perception, often disappointed with him.

Long story short, he stayed at home that night and we left on a good note, if you can believe it.  Both said we loved each other, and that we were going to take time to process and then talk on the phone. . . .which we did today!

It went really well and we are going to continue to explore things.  This might sound insane after what I just described, but I really do love him and know he loves me.  We both agreed to work on things - he said he was going to try and be more open with what he is thinking and feeling, instead of coming to big conclusions on his own, and I said I would not pressure him to talk (process, discuss deeper issues) if he wasn't in a good place to talk.  He admitted he is less sensitive when he is drinking or the next morning and that was a factor over the weekend.

So we shall see.  The kid issue continues to hang out there and I will write more on this in my next post.  Thus ends my dramatic trip saga!

Disappointing Trip Report - Part I

I'm back from my fairly disappointing trip up North.

Sipping wine and, I'm sad to say, smoking a few cigarettes this afternoon (I am prone to do this occasionally at times of emotional stress).

The wedding was lovely.  Everything came together as far as my dress, my toast, my poem reading, and standing up - proudly - for my brother.  The wedding activities and wedding came off beautifully, without any major difficulties.  It felt so good to be there for my brother at the rehearsal and just prior to the ceremony and hear his thoughts, give him some sisterly advice to be in the moment, drink water, etc.  I love my brother so much and hope he is incredibly happy with his new bride.

The situation with R on the other hand. . . well, let's say it did NOT unfold as hoped or planned.

The night prior to him driving down for the weekend from Washington, after I had already arrived in Oregon, he dropped out of communication.  I tried to text and call but no R.  I wanted to figure out some plans for the next day, confirm when he was driving down, etc., but could not reach him.  I called Friday morning and he was on his way driving down.  Tension arose when I asked him about where he was the night before and why didn't he check his phone or communicate with me.  He got angry and felt I was unfairly giving him the second degree (this was after telling me he had gone out with a friend to a bar and lost track of time).  He called back later and apologized and when he arrived in town, things seemed to be okay and start well as we picked up my stuff from my sister's and headed to the hotel.

The rehearsal and dinner that evening all flowed well and I felt fairly close to him, although there was a moment during dinner where he talked about my sister and feeling like he wanted to "take care of her" and like she had a lot on her mind or something, which didn't sit well with me.  Perhaps I was feeling some distance between us and this added to the insecurity that already comes up for me around my family.  He did not understand my feelings and thought I was being weird.

Later, some of us went over to the hotel bar and at that point I was starting to feel uncomfortable.  I am no longer a big party person, though in the past (college and a few years past - including the time when I was first with him) I was right there with the most hard core of them all.  He was definitely in the swing of the party, and I felt he was more tuned into drinking than to me.

We did have a wonderful moment where we found a piano and he played, while I dance to the music.  Wonderful.  And others noticed and thought it was cool.  But when we came back to the bar area, the core group had left to go to a bar and it felt to me like we had "missed the wave."  I was kind of done truthfully and wanted to just let the night end there, but R was still energized and ready to go.

We went back to the room and I collapsed on the bed (relevant information: I recently started taking an anti-depressant for PMDD and this exaggerates some effects of alcohol).  He was on a roll and quickly changed his clothes to go out and join them.  I did not like this.  It felt strange that he has just met these people and had said he was coming for the wedding to be there for me, yet he was going to leave me and join the others.  He left but came back not long after, bringing me a diet pepsi and seeming somewhat contrite.

The next morning, I was feeling some residual funkiness from the night before and tried to talk about it with him over breakfast, but he got really irritated and was hinting that he had doubts about our compatibility, which of course I asked him directly about as is my way.  He said yeah, maybe so or something, which sent me into upset and crying.  This all seems so silly and dramatic describing it by the way. . .

Anyway, the day progressed, tea bags on the eyes, retraction of what he said, dressing, beautiful wedding ceremony and then reception.  During the reception, I noticed he was tracking my sister around the room with his eyes and smiling a little, which triggered my insecurity (my sister is 7 years younger, thinner, the favorite of my parents).  I prefaced things with saying I was worried he would be mad and that I just needed reassurance, my own insecurity, etc., and directly communicated my feelings, again, as is my way.  He got really mad and said something like "leave me alone," so I left our table and went and hung out, ironically, with my sister and my niece.  A while later, I came back and we made up and he admitted he could have made the choice just to reassure me, he just didn't understand my feelings or whatever.  We went on to have a really fabulous time dancing together.

The rest of the reception went well but somehow - and I admit that I am part of this decision as my cousins were pressuring me to stay - we ended up with the late night crowd.  We actually were fairly connected during all this but I definitely had some judgment around his drinking and also lack of content or depth to our conversations. . . anyway, things went okay until the next morning when he got mad again when I tried to tell him that I didn't feel comfortable with something.  When I looked back on things, it was like he developed a hair trigger and just immediately felt irritated whenever I brought up any feelings.  It sucked.

We went to the brunch at my parents, visited my grandparents (which was great and really wonderful he came with me for that - meant a lot to me and my grandmother who is suffering from dementia), then drove up to Washington.  The drive was fairly disconnected, to say the least.

The next day, he went to work early and when he got back, after shopping, we "checked in," and he told me again that he did not think it was going to work.  Really?  After a crazy family wedding weekend, filled with emotion and drinking?  You are going to make that kind of big picture judgment NOW?  I was clearly extremely upset and shocked, though maybe I should not have been looking back at the weekend. . . to be continued.

Heart vs. Head

Update from Limboland, the land of uncertain futures.  I realized today that my heart has made a decision it wants to move up to be with R in Washington, but my head is thinking, "That is way too fast, are you crazy girlfriend?!"  

I am feeling some vulnerability and fear around the situation tonight.  I know that I love R.  We have been talking a couple hours almost every day.  He makes me laugh, we talk in depth about everything, he gets me and vice versa.  

But I still don't know whether we can align our intentions around having children and also, I sometimes feel like we are on different wavelengths regarding spirituality and personal growth.  He definitely is not as passionate about approaching these topics in structured ways, such as through books, articles, classes, etc.  

He's been willing to try Interplay Theatre with me at home and we did a breathing meditation together today.  He read an article on relationships that I sent him.  He says he is open to learning and growing, but that it may happen in small increments over time and he's asked me if I can be patient.  Of course I said yes, but I admit that it is challenging sometimes to always be the leader in these areas.  Ideally, he would engage and initiate more, show more enthusiasm.

Overall, though, our conversations are fun and flow freely.  I can be myself.  It may sound a little insane, but there is a sense that we belong together.

I am preparing to leave for my brother's wedding on Thursday - I found a great dress at Nord.strom! - and then to visit R for a week.  Ironically, I received two calls for Bay Area interviews in the last week:  one for Friday when I will be out of town, which they said they could not reschedule; and one which the voicemail said could be either for tomorrow or Thursday after I leave.

The latter I may go ahead and do tomorrow if I can reach her in the morning, but honestly I am feeling torn about it.  It's for the job with the homeless shelter, one I'm less than confident about, but also my energy wants to focus on being with R and finding a job up there (can energy "want" something? anyway. . .).  

What should I do?  I have applied for a few jobs up there already, just to hopefully create options, but haven't gotten any callbacks yet.  R has made it clear he wants me up there with him, though his head sometimes comes up with questions, as well.

I don't know how much longer I can feel torn between my heart and head like this. . . hopefully this trip will help me bring them both in line.

Wedding Prep and 7-11 Run or "Just Breathe"

My brother's wedding is in 11 days and I am NOT ready for it.  The dress I ordered at the end of January has still not arrived, and when I finally got ahold of someone at the online store yesterday they informed me that it was highly unlikely it would arrive prior to my departure date next Wednesday.

Aaargh!  Then why did your system let me place the order with an event date for which you could not deliver?  She said she would pass on the information to a manager and they would get back to me, but I'm not holding my breath.

The good news is that since I am the only "groomswoman,"  I could wear something slightly different and it wouldn't make that much of an impact; and I know my brother doesn't really care because he told me so.  I have already contacted local reps at Nord.strom who are researching alternative strapless black bridesmaid-type dresses.  Wish me luck!

In addition, I feel as one of the sister's of the groom I should make at least one speech. . .something I want to do because I love my brother, but which also makes me nervous!  I haven't thought anything through yet and need to focus on this task asap, as well as rehearsing for a (shortened) poem reading I will deliver during the ceremony.

My brother's fiance chose the poem by Sandol Stoddard Warburg, the several-stanza longer version can be found here (she cut the throwing up and broken arm part for some reason).  What do you think?  My brother likens it to a children's book, and I can see why.  I've heard it before and actually like it, though it's longer than I would prefer.  To feel comfortable, I'm thinking I should read it through at least 25 times, which averages 2+ times per day until the wedding.  Message to self: "Get on it, Kristina!!!"

R's presence at the wedding will be a stabilizing and comforting thing for me.  He is now coming Friday and will attend the rehearsal dinner, as well as the wedding.

He will meet my family (and distract me from potential sadness around my father).  He will stand by me, sit next to me, and dance with me.  He will be MY date, my partner throughout the weekend events, which will significantly enrich my experience and increase the fun.  My sister's wedding sort of sucked for me in many ways due to the absence of said partner - but that is another story.

Obviously, this is my brother's special day, and my focus will be on being there for him in any way I can.  I actually hope and believe that R will help me do a better job in that role.

Maybe due to the wedding or maybe due to the possibilities floating around out there of significant life change on the horizon, my anxiety level has been fairly high the last couple of days.  My spontaneous trip to 7-11 and the fiery Chex Mix and Skor bar I consumed lend evidence to this fact!  I am actually looking forward to going running today so expel some of that excess energy.

And I realized yesterday that I can choose to release control over how a situation or conversation unfolds and just focus on breathing and staying open.  It felt good to succeed in achieving that goal.

The Adventure Continues

I have not felt like posting for some reason.  I think my mind has been consumed with processing R's visit and continuing to talk to him about our time together and about our potential looking into the future.  Also, he decided to come to my brother's wedding - yay! - so we have been making plans for that weekend.

Overall, the visit went very well, especially considering we hadn't seen each other in 15 years and basically lived together for several days.  I have been spending most of my time lately alone so it's quite a shift to be together with someone 24/7!  Can anyone else relate to this?

We laughed a lot, had many talks, went out to eat a couple of times, made meals and danced together, walked in the neighborhood, and even laid out on the deck in the sun during a couple of sunny days.  I was pleasantly surprised at the ease I found sleeping with him.  In the past, sleeping in the same bed with people has tended to be extremely challenging, waking up frequently, feeling a lot of tension and alertness and sometimes even moving out to the couch.  With R, I did wake up a couple times each night but generally felt very comfortable and enjoyed the experience.  And we actually did not immediately become intimate but went through what felt like a getting reacquainted period and took things a step at a time.

The major conversation about "having a child" came up midway into the trip.  It was good and bad.  At first, it seemed he was clear he did not want another child.  He has had a vasectomy.  He talked about his other kids being older now and being in a difference place.  We lamented about what different lives we have led up to this point.

But eventually we talked things through to a place where we found a light in the idea of adoption.  He is open to this.  I am open to this.  There is hope in that place.  I was very clear that I need to be a mother in some way, that I need to fulfill my longing for motherhood and all that role entails.  He knows the biological desire hasn't gone away, and I'm sure we will talk again if we come to the place of committing to being together.  But for now we both want to continue to get to know each other and are choosing to trust that we can work it out and consider each other's needs equal to our own.

One difference that did make itself known as the trip progressed was our different "engagement" or consistent connection needs.  He shared that he had not communicated a lot with his previous girlfriend - that they had started out that way but it had waned.  So maybe that is an adjustment factor for him. . .also, I know that in past relationships I have noticed an anxiety come up in me at times that manifests in an agitation or nervous provocation of the person.  It's hard to describe, but I think it's challenging for me to completely relax in another person's presence at times.  It's easier if I am involved in an activity myself or with them or if we are in some way physically connected/touching.  I'm sure it has to do with my dad who was so in his own bubble a lot of the time.

Anyway, this came up a bit with R and we talked about it.  Had some positive insights about how helpful it is when I communicate how I'm feeling when it comes up versus letting it build (love that he encourages me to communicate in this way), how important my own "soulful" activities such as dance and InterPlay are to maintain, and how I want us to share a spiritual practice, which I am researching for us to try out later this month.  Lots of stuff!  Compacted into a few days.

I am appreciating how we are processing things on the phone since he left and continuing to grow closer.  We say we love each other now.  We are talking more about me moving up there, though we have not made that decision and are waiting until after this next trip.  I can see how this all might sound completely insane in terms of timeline,  but we did have a couple years together before and all that feeling and more is coming back.  We both seem to be increasingly excited about each other and the possibility of being together.  So we will see.

The next step is the wedding on the 19th during which he will meet my family for the first time.  Then, I head up to Tacoma to stay at his place for a week and meet his children, brothers, and father (his mother passed away last year).  He will be working four days, which I actually think is a good thing, allowing us to experience a more normal way of being together.

Looking forward to our continued adventure. . . freaking out just a little bit.

Impending Arrival

Today is the day.  R arrives at 7:30 this evening.  I feel like this blog has become very focused on this situation but honestly it's the main thing on my mind lately!

My hopes for this visit include:  noticing how it feels to be around one another now; exploring past and present experiences more fully in-person; discovering whether we have any potential for a future with one another-similar goals and enough in common etc.; and having fun!  I feel excited.

The common goal most in question came up a couple days ago.  I had mentioned there was a big topic I wanted to talk about when he was here and of course, as anyone including me would do, he started thinking a lot about it and guessed correctly.  I felt really vulnerable, even though he did not react badly, just said he thought we should talk about it in person and that he had some things to say about it.

The next morning we talked on the phone, and I was surprised at a wave of sadness that came over me.  We talked about it and at first I blurted out that if he didn't want to come that was okay, we could take a huge step back, that I didn't feel good about talking about it and it was too early but partly I brought it up because of some of the serious things he had said so it was his fault too.  Yeah, did I mention I was feeling vulnerable?  sheesh!

He was cute and asked, "You don't want me to come?" in a sad way.  I admitted it was a reaction to thinking of HIS reaction and that he might be freaking out.  He said no he wasn't and encouraged me to talk to him if I have these thoughts instead of letting them build and that we should have a rule that we have to do that.  Cute.  I felt happy and warm to hear this and we got of the phone in a good place, refocused on the visit seeing how things are between us.  So anyway, I am looking forward to his arrival and will let you all know how things go.

In other, less compelling news, I went to my Interplay Theatre class last night and had a fabulous time. Big group of people, many different exercises and partner matches.  Lots of movement and movement paired with short story telling.  My body and soul feel happier when I leave.

Also, I am going running for the seventh time (yes I am counting) this afternoon.  Thanks again to R and my brother's wedding providing motivational energy.  I can't tell a huge difference yet but I do feel more toned, which will hopefully translate into a bit more confidence for the big meeting tonight!

Like Frankie said, "I did it my way."

This song from my authentic life soundtrack has been running through my head the past couple of days, so I thought I would share the magic.  Okay, so it's not an especially deep or complex song, but for whatever reason I feel strong and kind of badass when I hear it.

Five more days until R arrives.  He will be here from Wednesday evening until Monday morning.  I feel like I can be myself with him and he accepts me (even my PMS, edgy side!), which makes me happy.  I decided I am not going to ask him directly if he is open to having another child (he has three already) until he is here with me.  I have a sense he will be open but time will tell.  Will post again soon about recent developments. . .

Bullets and Blue Sky

I think I will indulge in my first "bulleted list" post, as that is my mood.  A few updates:

1. Valentine's Day was pleasant and relatively uneventful.  Went on a walk, then ate pizza with my platonic male housemate, watched some TV, then talked to R until 1a.m.  Really fun and relaxed conversation, which left me feeling closer to him.
2. One other Valentine's activity: making cut out Valentine for my Interplay theatre teacher.  I let my inner child come out and play and had a fabulous time with the decorative paper, fancy scissors, and glue stick. Yay!  Need to do this more often.  Had everyone in class sign it last night and delivered to her at closing circle.  She said she hadn't gotten a Valentine in a long time, which made it all the more fun.
3. Conversations between R and I have definitely shifted from majority processing to majority getting to know each other and sharing feelings.  In one conversation when I suggested we share our intentions for the visit, he busted out with, "Well, I hope that everything goes well and we end up finding a way to be together."  or something like that.  Intense!  One the one hand, I like knowing he wants that outcome, and on the other hand it's a little scary.  Over time, I have come to mistrust immediate intensity (and he is part of that mistrust!), so even though we have years of previous history, I am really trying to keep to the "one step at a time" approach.  But I can't deny that feelings are growing on both sides the more we talk.
4. His visit has fueled my motivation to get in better shape.  I would like to lose 15-20 pounds.  Do you think this is possible in two weeks?  haha  But I figure I can make a bit of headway and feel a little more toned.  So I have been doing sit-ups and stretching every day and went running for the fourth time yesterday.  I already feel a difference, though a girl at my Sunday dance group said she couldn't see any change. :(
5. Received relief-giving news yesterday when I FINALLY got ahold of the Employment Development Department and a lovely man informed me I am eligible for unemployment extensions until July, at which point I need to reapply. . .and would then likely receive continuing benefits.  Now believe me, unemployment compensation is not cushy income (I don't think it should be), and I am barely getting by.  I definitely intend to find a new job asap, both for the purpose of feeling productive and purposeful and for the more adequate income/health benefits, but it is a relief to know my safety net will not give way when this extension ends in a couple of weeks.

That's all the excitement for now.  That and we just had a huge hailstorm, leading to sun and blue sky.  Hoping that this week does not drag on and on and on. . .