Wanted to share an update after my dinner with S last night... In a nutshell, it was good but sad. We got into talking about some things about how things evolved in our relationship, even though the main focus was on what we want now and how we might be friends.
From what he said, it's clear that he was, from a fearful place, building a case against me (again), as he set up "tests" of sorts for me to prove myself. To some extent, I guess we all do that in relationships - try to figure out if the person is someone we could be with long-term and whether you are a good enough match to survive the challenges of life together.
The problem is, when you are "testing" someone, it changes the dynamic of the relationship and it gets in the way of love and intimacy. The other person - in this case me - will feel that they are being tested, will be able to sense an added urgency or behind-the-scenes agenda and will rebel or react in ways they would not have otherwise reacted.
Also, as S kept tally of these fears and worries about me, they accumulated into quite a list and ended up coloring any interaction we had with resentment. In a way, I feel really sad for him because he lived in this state, but I also feel angry because I experienced the pain of being on the other end of that behavior - wanting to connect and feel close as we had before but receiving judgment and anger instead. I know I have been guilty of fear or anxiety-based judgments, but I don't keep a tally or strategically test someone over time.
In any case, it seemed last night that, for what it's worth, he recognized the dysfunction in this behavior and was able to empathize with my side of it to some degree. We shared we both still care for each other and want to try to be friends, though it feels a bit tenuous or risky. It's worth it to try; at least I feel that way at this point. And the primary reason for our break-up is still our difference around wanting - or not wanting in his case - to become a parent, which feels like a very good reason that, in the end, makes this the right thing to do.
Going forward, I'm going to focus on what I want in my life, as a friend suggested in a comment on my last post, and that's finding a nice roommate, increasing my income via my business and part-time college counseling, and working on finances to move forward with the California Conceptions program to finally become a mom.
With regard to the latter, I wanted to share two more blog posts on my campaign that were recently posted by friends, Michaela and Jenny. Thank you both so much! If you write a blog and are willing to share my campaign or invite me to guest post, please let me know in comments or through the campaign page, and I'll follow up. I've been moved by recent donations by SMCs and friends from the
blogging world - it means a lot coming from women who understand my experience. Will you consider making a donation at whatever level is comfortable or sharing my campaign in other ways? I'm hoping to raise $85 more before tomorrow to reach my $200 goal for this week. You can read about my long ttc journey in one of the blogs below...
A Single Journey: With a little help from my friends
Lambton Worm: Guest Blog - Kristina
I'm also planning to apply for a loan through my credit union in the near future and am in the process of applying for a grant. Hopefully, everything will come together and be enough to move forward in the fall, fingers crossed.
This all reminds me of my relationship with RB. Four years of what you experienced with S. He was as you describe S and your relationship, and it breaks my heart for you. RB was constantly trying to find reasons we wouldn't work out, when the plain truth was that he didn't love me and just didn't want to be with me. At one point, he asked me to move in, and when I did, four weeks later, he told me to move out. I didn't, but that really set the stage of what I had to "look forward to". RB moved in with someone else 6 weeks after we broke up, and married her a year after we broke up (hilariously, they stayed together barely a year after that). The good news is that closing this door enables you to move forward in areas of your life that are good and healthy, which I know you know - finding real love, building a family, setting up a home that is stable and strong. It took a few more years for me to meet Nathan, but now at almost 40, I have a lovely, healthy relationship and the most beautiful (and difficult!) little girl, a home, and most of all, I never have to feel those sad, heartbreaking feelings from RB (or anyone who was unkind to me in relationship), nor resentment toward him, or even disappointment that it didn't last. To me now, he's "someone I used to know", as the song goes, and someone I will always remember; but I'm so happy the universe intervened. I would be content to never run into him on the street as when I have, he's still be as disrespectful as ever. So bizarre in my mind.... But anyway. I digress.
ReplyDeleteI always wish the best for you, K. I think of you often, and I read all your posts (or, most of them) here. I'll try to be better about commenting. It's hard with the baby - I can barely read posts.
Send you my love.
Sarah Morrow
Hi Sarah! Thank you for your empathy and encouragement. I appreciate it and glad to hear from you. :) I know you're busy! I follow along your journey through Facebook, too. M is so darling - though I hear you that she can be a handful. It may be as simple as that with S - that he doesn't love me enough or I him. I do feel we love each other and see strong evidence of that and feel really connected with him at times. But we may not have "enough" of whatever it is that it takes. Since we are breaking up, it's kind of a blessing at this point to have the issue of wanting a child be so clear and divisive. It's easier to separate and even maybe be friends - it's less personal, in a way, though we definitely had more personal issues too (tho were working on them). Anyway, thank you for your care. xo
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