Further Healing

I had a second meeting with S yesterday and had another big release of emotion - both anger and sadness/grief - and we talked about what verbal abuse means and how our interactions did end up in that area.  We did a couple of structured exercises, including an "im@ge theatre" one in which we sculpted each other into images of how we saw each other in conflict and also into images of our feelings during this conflict.  It was good.  I felt lighter at the end, but S seemed to feel heavier and said he was understanding more of what I went through.  I'm sorry he is feeling down, but I do appreciate him "going there" and remembering and empathizing with my side of what happened.

Also, I think he was sad that we didn't end up closer physically.  He hoped that working through this stuff might automatically lead to us feeling amorous towards one another.  I felt affectionate and caring but not romantic.  I think switching gears from the intense processing and grief, especially since it involved remembering pain and anger from the worst time in our relationship, to romantic feelings would have been difficult.  We have talked about that possibility prior to yesterday, because both of our minds had strayed into that possibility, and I brought up that I sometimes feel strongly passionate towards him and other times not, and would that even be okay with him.  He indicated yes, but maybe he's really not, after reflecting further.

Anyway, regardless of what happens, I'm deeply grateful for our conversations, and for him holding space for me to express buried grief and heal further from the traumatic end of our relationship.