A Fertile Spring

Amazing to look at the calendar and see April 7th! RC left last Monday after a two-week stay.  It's weird how our time together seems to go through different "phases.". I guess we haven't settled into a routine or consistent pattern. For example, the first part of the trip was about co-housing and exploring a local co-housing community and open house. We talked a lot about how we would like to live in an intentional community like that for the benefits of community meals and events, resource sharing, and a child growing up in a loving extended family-type environment.

The second phase was getting matching tattoos from a well-known local tattoo place. I will add a picture to this post later, but I'm happy with how they turned out. Lots of pain, however. Yes, you do feel like a badass and yes, you do get an endorphin rush that is very interesting and relieving when it finally kicks in. Getting these tattoos brought home the level of commitment we are making.

After the tattoos, I experienced what I might call a minor emotional backlash, in which I felt questioning and at times judgmental towards RC and the ways that we are different. We continued our reading in a spiritual relationship book, which opened up sadness about this backlash and it's impact on our relationship. I talked about my worry a little bit; that it's come up when I don't feel he's tuning in or really listening to me, especially with regard to ideas or intellectual thoughts, and that I was afraid we may not be as compatible on that level as I would like.

In this conversation, I learned more about him and his engineering background, and I felt reassurance that he cared and wanted to listen to me in a way that met my needs to matter and feel like he was interested in my thoughts. I recognized that my distancing through judgment is toxic and gets in the way of experiencing the love and joy that both of us want to feel. I'm trying to remember that and make adjustments when I slip into this pattern that started long before him.

In the next phase, we drove to Sacramento for a Cal IVF consultation, which was VERY exciting to both of us, to say the least. We talked there and back about it in the car, then went out for drinks and food and talked some more. I researched information on questions that came up, including supplements and other strategies to support implantation, as well as donor IVF statistics, etc.

The first step is for RC to go through a sperm extraction process, which a specialist does at the center. We weren't sure how reliable or successful this process would be, but he was beyond encouraging, giving 96% odds of healthy, usable sperm samples. We could then choose an egg donor, looking at pictures and background information, that hopefully resembles me. They require ICSI with the IVF procedure. If it doesn't work, then statistically we should have frozen embryos for a second try. RC looked up financial information and said he could borrow from his retirement account to cover costs.

But...later on, he had a lot of anxiety come up around adding to his debt load right now. He would have to pay back the money on his retirement account, apparently, and it would add a substantial monthly payment to current expenses. The last couple of nights he didn't sleep very well because he was anxious about this, but either he wasn't fully aware of why he was anxious or he wasn't able to tell me for some reason. In any case, it created a little tension in the last couple days before he left.

After he got home, he reflected and wrote about it, becoming more clear about his feelings so he could share them with me. Right now, he is doing some work on his budget/spending plan, and we are both talking about how we can afford the extra payments. The way I'm seeing it now (and hoping and praying for) is that we could move forward in August or September. In the meanwhile, we can work on getting more healthy, eating well, doing required fertility testing and choosing a donor. Financial changes coming down the pike include:

• He is currently completing a three-month fitness-trainer certification program, which guarantees employment and will add to our income.
• Although I am not working at the college this summer, I will receive unemployment, then start teaching my three classes (an increase in the income I have been receiving) in mid-August.
• As soon as school ends next month, I will begin attending the local BNI business networking chapter to increase local contacts and client referrals. By this Tuesday, I also plan to publish a newsletter and schedule a new local Meetup event, also in hopes of connecting with new clients. The two clients who just finished their sessions with me have also said they may want additional help in a month.
• Lastly, when RC moves here on May 19th, he will start paying half the rent, which will open up more money in my budget to cover the IVF loan payment (first to cover my budget shortage on unemployment, then to cover the payment).

Regarding the adoption plan, we have been feeling torn. My agency has said they do not want clients pursuing fertility treatments at the same time as trying to adopt. Our energy and excitement right now is towards the donor IVF option. So, I think right now, we will likely focus on that, but I am worried about stepping back from that route after all the effort I've put towards it. I think it's probably the right thing to do, though...

Overall, however, many developments to happily anticipate. I'm so glad Spring is slowly slipping into view. Flowers blooming and smelling heavenly, temperature creeping up. It seems timely, as our energy and excitement are rising, as well.