Relationship Frustrations

I am having one of those moments in my life, in my relationship, in which I am necessarily reminding myself that I know who my partner is - have know who he is from the beginning - and should not be surprised when he is acting true to character. At this moment, I admit, I wish his character were a little different in certain ways.

Specifically, there are two ways in which my partner behaves that I'm struggling with right now...

One, when he is stressed and overwhelmed, he can become depressed and withdrawn. I generally do not do this, and I'm trying, but I don't really understand it. I know that we just went through a HUGE life change in moving to Eugene, and that this change is even bigger for him because he lived on the Central Coast for multiple decades longer than me. He said himself that he did not feel rooted there and that he was open to moving, but when it came down to it, it was very challenging for him.

What I would LIKE him to do when he is stressed and overwhelmed is to communicate about it and ask for what he needs or let me help him figure out what he needs. In general, I would like us to turn to one another and work as a team through life's challenges and adversities. Is this unrealistic? Perhaps, again, considering his nature. He has depression and it seems to flare up when he is feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Can he shift his thinking and reactions at these times? I don't know.

The second aspect with which I'm struggling perhaps relates to the first, as I think about it. He doesn't have the initiative and sense of agency that I would like him to have when it comes to problem solving, especially right now when it has to deal with money. This affects me big-time in the area of engagement and marriage.

I have never been married. I am excited and looking forward to being married. RC and I have talked about marriage many times over the last year plus that we have been together (as mentioned, we were friends for several years, as well, when I lived on the Central Coast a decade ago). Before we left, we had several discussions about getting married before the end of the year for tax purposes - I know, how romantic! - and then, when it quickly became clear that it would be too much to plan a real wedding by the end of the year, we talked about perhaps doing a justice of the peace court wedding in December, then a real wedding in February. We have looked at rings down there and once up here in Oregon, as well.

Fast-forward to yesterday, three weeks after we arrived in Oregon, I asked what his thoughts were now on the subject, and he totally withdrew and said he didn't know what to say - that I know our finance situation, and he wants to get me a ring but doesn't know where the money would come from. ARGH! In a past conversation, I asked him to reflect and consider where the money might be found. Is it unreasonable that I want him to take the lead on this endeavor? I'm willing to help or talk through finances, but I DON'T WANT TO BE IN CHARGE OF COMING UP WITH THE MONEY FOR MY OWN RING!

Obviously, I have some energy around this. As mentioned, I've never been married. He's been married twice before. The proposal and ring mean a lot to me, and there is romance involved, at least for me. It's so frustrating to me that it seems he hasn't even been thinking about this situation and how we might move forward. In this moment, right now, I can brainstorm two or three ways that he/we could come up with some money. Why can't he do that and take the lead? In addition to frustrated, it makes me feel sad and insecure.

Thanks for listening to my venting on this. I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments.