Christmas Conversations and Hand-me-downs

Writing this from Oregon, sitting in my sister's beautiful new remodeled kitchen. I'm staying here and have the house to myself since my sister and her family spent Christmas with my bro-in-law's family in the Bay Area and are all in Lake Tahoe over New Year's.

This house was my mom and dad's house until my mom passed away a couple of years ago and my dad moved into a townhouse a few months later. I had a really good talk last night with my brother about some resentments I was carrying towards my sister and how she acquired the valuable belongings in this house, many of which I had grown up with and had an attachment too, as well. My brother said that after my mother died, my dad totally "checked out" and left my sister to deal with and go through the ENTIRE house, which was filled to the brim with my mom's stuff (mom was sort of a closet hoarder, i.e. she threw nothing away but it was neatly and tightly packed in every drawer, closet, and cupboard of the house). I do remember my sister having to do this but didn't fully understand how my dad checked out.

Additionally, I didn't understand that he basically both gave her this task and said that she could take over the furnishings and items in the house. My sister and bro-in-law had bought the house from him (at a very good price I imagine), and he said everything in it, other than the furniture, dishes, and other items he took with him, was theirs. And, even though it's hurtful and I would have liked him to think of me, these are his items to give.

My sister did ask me to go through a bunch of items last Christmas and take what I wanted, but these were items she didn't want and were to be given away shortly after. These were not valuable items, but some I took because they had sentimental value. There are a few items I see as I walk around the house this week that I would love to have. I think I would feel a bit better if I had at least received the one jewelry item that was clearly mine to have - a shoe charm that represented me on a necklace she wore. Each child was represented by one shoe. My sister said she put it down for me in the stuff I went through, but I don't remember her telling me that, didn't find it, and, also, why would you put a valuable jewelry item in with everything else? I'm really sad that it seems like it's lost for good.

But talking through the way everything unfolded with my brother lessens the resentment I feel. I know it was a big burden on my sister AND my dad basically was the person to make the call and he gave everything to her. There are some things in life that are beyond our control. My dad has held a grudge against me since I made a couple of poor financial decisions about 15 or 20 years ago (yes, the man knows how to carry a grudge), so that likely played a role.

This grudge was the other part of the conversation with my brother that was valuable to me. Talking through my anger around it helped me further sort through what "Dad's stuff" and what was "my stuff," and how I still need to "take care of my side of the street" with regard to financial mistakes I made that my dad experienced as painful betrayals. So, I renewed my intention to fix these mistakes as best I can now, in the present, and my brother agreed to remind me of this intention. I am also writing this intention here in the blog so you all can bear witness and I can be reminded when I re-read this post.

I did have some quality time with Dad on Christmas. After spending Christmas eve and morning at my brother's with his family and my Dad and his girlfriend/partner, Mary, my brother and family left to spend the rest of the day with my sis-in-law's family in Corvallis. I went to the house where I'm staying and had a bit of a rest and a shower, then spent the rest of the day and evening at Mary's house with her and my Dad. There were a couple of difficult moment where I felt a little hurt at my Dad's responses, but for the most part it was a good time. We had some nice dinner conversation and shared laughter, I got to know Mary better, and we all watched part of a movie before calling it a night.

Yesterday, I got to soak up some love with my Aunt, Uncle, and cousin and family, talking about my adoption plans and my aunt's and cousin's experience of her adoption, as well as eating comfort food and doing a little craft with the kids. Then, I went to my brother's and made and decorated gingerbread men with my four-year-old cousin, V. Her attention span was pretty short but she managed to do a little mixing, roll the dough a bit, and decorate two cookies. :)

Also, to end on a super exciting note for me, my brother gave me a bunch of clothes and baby/toddler items to take home! He has two girls, but I did find some gender neutral clothing and also took a few cute girls dresses and shirts in case I am placed with a girl. He also gave me: a baby bjorn and the other kind of baby carrier (can't remember the name but one faces in and one faces out); a stroller good for a baby under one-year (so may or may not be useful but it's a nice stroller in which the seat rotates to face you or face out); a bouncy swing that fastens to a door frame; a little rocking horse and a scooter I used when I was little; and a bunch of toys, including an activity table and electronic pull-toy and music maker. He also gave me some bottles and bottle equipment.

It was so fun going through the clothing and choosing items to take with me. Even though placement will not happen for several months at the earliest, I am loving the preparation process! And it will be great to show my progress to the social worker on January 10th.

A Reunion with Twists and Turns

The night before last, around 5:30pm, I headed into O@kland to meet up with S for dinner, then possibly join him for a chorale performance in SF. I hadn't decided yet about the chorale performance because that morning he had switched plans on me and, after initially offering to pick me up, asked me to meet him on his side of the E. Bay for dinner, then take rapid transit together into the city. Not a huge deal, except it was raining all day, added to the fact that it's crowded and an often less-than-pleasant assault to the senses on the train, especially on a weekend night. Plus, I didn't know how our dinner and conversation would go, and the added complications to get there just felt a bit overwhelming.

Once I got to dinner and settled in with a glass of wine and tasty food, I started feeling more amenable. Plus, what he had to tell me was very anti-climactic. I can't say in detail what it was... suffice to say it was about a topic that many men think too much about, and his behaviors in this area. He said it in a way that seemed meant to explain and put blame on himself, but I had heard some variation on this theme dozens of times over our years together - and had so many memories that disproved his framing of the situation - that I am sorry to say my response was less than sensitive. I felt like an old, jaded woman shaking my head. lol I said that maybe there was some truth to what he was saying, but that I felt there was a lot more to it. But if he was happy with framing it that way, then I'm happy for him. So that ended up being a minimal part of the evening.

After dinner, we drove to the station and boarded a train, then took an Uber from the station in SF up the hill to the event. It was kind of funny in retrospect that I had been anxious about taking public transportation that night, then several things went wrong, and I think S felt pressure and worry about it. I wasn't aware of it at the time - I knew he was feeling some stress but wasn't sure why.

The difficulties started with the Uber driving by us three times before finally seeing us. Then, S thought the event started a half hour later than it did and the volunteer staffing the door wouldn't let us in for 10 minutes, until the longest old-timey song in history had concluded. I enjoyed the show but it was fairly short and didn't have an intermission with snacks and drinks, which I think makes it more fun. I was also super parched by the end of the night because the church didn't even have drinking fountains and I forgot a water bottle. After the performance, S got a little lost leading us back to the station, and we meandered through some empty (except for a few homeless folks) and litter-strewn blocks of the city only to wait in a crowded sweatbox of a platform area for 20 minutes until our next train came. He was clearly super anxious by that time, and I said something about it. He admitted it, which broke the tension. I reassured him, and he me - which we rarely did when in relationship.

I should probably share that I think part of his anxiety also came from us holding hands on the way to the station and in the chorale event... I inquired about it initially, and he said that he was not in a committed relationship with the ex and things were uncertain. He brought up that he'd filled out a profile on J-date to prove his point (and no he is not Jewish). For my part, it just felt natural and nice. I don't want to get back together, so in a way it felt more light and "just for fun," which I've rarely felt. We talked a lot about our families and caught up with each other, including my adoption plans.

At the end of the night, we got our cars and he followed me to a gas station as I was on empty. He bought us water, which has never tasted so good. And we did kiss a couple times goodbye - like a friend's kiss with a little extra but definitely not clearly romantic or making out or anything. I said in a prior post that it might be a long while before I see him again, but that I was still looking forward to it. It still may be a long while because I think (and he as much as stated on the phone) that he is comfortable with either completely being together or not being together at all; i.e. close friends with me seems difficult and confusing for him. No way do I want to get back together, even though it felt good and natural spending time with him. I guess time will tell what the future holds.