Helloooo from out here in social isolation! I have clearly not been posting much lately, but felt inspired to write at least a little something today. Baby is swinging nearby, babbling and squealing and grunting away so we’ll see how far I get. I wanted to share two things today, one observational and one more personal. The first one is that I’m seeing that this pandemic is hitting different groups and individuals in our society differently. Because I’m in online communities with folks from all over the country in different walks of life - granted most of them mothers - I hear a variety of these perspectives.
Obviously, basic survival needs are forefront in how people are affected at this time… If you suddenly can’t work or can work considerably less, and you depend on that paycheck month to month, the impact can get scary very quickly. If you have children suddenly home and demanding attention and that you put on a teaching hat, that can be intense and exhausting. On the other side of the spectrum, some people are reading, doing projects, or getting outside more. Spending more time with family.
Through it all, we are bombarded with media stories about sickness and death, sometimes even hit with personal tragedy and loss, related to this pandemic. It’s scary and sad and our frontline health workers are heroes through it all. If you’re in business or refinancing to find needed cash flow, bankers and finance folks can be heroes, too. My sister in law works in banking, and she has never worked so hard or been so exhausted as in these last few weeks of administering the PPP business loan program. My brother and sister are fighting to keep the family business afloat, which includes an athletic club. Anyway, I’m seeing impacts and new realities all across the spectrum, to a lesser and greater extent.
Us, personally? We are okay at the moment. Experiencing more stress and some financial hardship for sure, but doing okay. RC has his “essential” job at the airport. His schedule changes every day, which is a pain in the you know what, but we’re grateful he still has a job. I have some days where anxiety and exhaustion overwhelms me due to, well, lack of sleep, as well as change-related stress. So much changing and so many people to worry about! Ellie keeps me coming back to her sweet little face and all the ways she’s growing and changing - from sitting up, to eating new foods, to trying to figure out how everything works, and her love of books. I love waking up to her every day❤️ and breastfeeding and baby cuddles can be very soothing and nurturing. RC and I are working well as a team, and I’m so grateful for my little tribe at this time.
I have something else going on that is serving as a meaningful distraction...seeking a recipient family for our remaining embryos. We think we’ve found the perfect couple here in Eugene! We connected with them through the Mir@cles W@iting site. She is a social worker and he’s a chemist, 35 and 39 respectively, and she’s been through a lot of heartbreaking unsuccessful infertility treatments, including two failed IVFs. Our emails so far have been warm, open, and hopeful, and we look forward to an in-person video call with them on Tuesday. I’ll share more as the situation develops. We really want Ellie to have a sibling relationship and, since we aren’t planning to have another child, this could give her that gift, while it gives the gift of a child to this couple. Hoping for good things.
That’s it for now. Sending care and hope that your situation is tenable or improving. This is definitely a crazy and surreal time.
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
4/07/2019
Rough Day...and Gratitude
Today is a rough day. I was extremely emotional this morning, overwhelmed and sobbing, triggered by RC being in a bad mood and responding with irritability when I asked what he was journaling about.
Something that might have made me feel somewhat sad and disappointed normally became much more intense and tied up in thoughts that he wasn't happy to see me, he didn't like being around me. My inner child said he was being mean and lacking sympathy and care when he didn't comfort me when I was crying. Ach, what a mess.
Yes, he could have risen to the occasion and been the adult with reason, but he was not in a grounded place or able to do that for whatever reason. And, bottom line, I was the one overreacting and losing it. In any case, he went upstairs and then ended up going out, which was honestly not a bad thing, as I needed space, as well. I know he'll be back later and is likely studying for his big personal trainer certification test on Tuesday (one reason why he's ungrounded).
I ate breakfast and am now resting and watching TV. Pregnancy hormones are no joke. I stopped progesterone and estrogen supplementation 2-3 days ago and thought that might lead to less emotionality, not more, but that has not been the case yet, unfortunately. The rain here in Oregon is unceasing right now, as well, which doesn't help my mood, and also prevents me from getting outside for nice, uplifting spring walks.
I recently read that a key to happiness is thinking of three things for which your grateful, every day, so I will end this downer post with that practice, in hopes it helps. Three things for which I'm grateful:
Something that might have made me feel somewhat sad and disappointed normally became much more intense and tied up in thoughts that he wasn't happy to see me, he didn't like being around me. My inner child said he was being mean and lacking sympathy and care when he didn't comfort me when I was crying. Ach, what a mess.
Yes, he could have risen to the occasion and been the adult with reason, but he was not in a grounded place or able to do that for whatever reason. And, bottom line, I was the one overreacting and losing it. In any case, he went upstairs and then ended up going out, which was honestly not a bad thing, as I needed space, as well. I know he'll be back later and is likely studying for his big personal trainer certification test on Tuesday (one reason why he's ungrounded).
I ate breakfast and am now resting and watching TV. Pregnancy hormones are no joke. I stopped progesterone and estrogen supplementation 2-3 days ago and thought that might lead to less emotionality, not more, but that has not been the case yet, unfortunately. The rain here in Oregon is unceasing right now, as well, which doesn't help my mood, and also prevents me from getting outside for nice, uplifting spring walks.
I recently read that a key to happiness is thinking of three things for which your grateful, every day, so I will end this downer post with that practice, in hopes it helps. Three things for which I'm grateful:
- We heard Pudge's hearbeat on the home doppler for the second time on Friday; music to our ears.
- I went to my oldest niece, J's, state book-reading competition (OBOB) yesterday, and it was wonderful to see her having fun and doing something she's passionate about, as well as to connect with my sister and other family members at the event.
- Even though I'm currently in some limbo, I'm hopeful about my work situation. I completed three applications for new Career/Academic Advisor positions at the U of O, which correlate with 35 (!) total positions. Needless to say, they are dramatically increasing their advising resources, and my hiring odds simultaneously increase, as well. I also just officially applied and was accepted to a local business networking referral group that meets weekly, and I may have already landed my first client through the group - fingers crossed. I'll find out after a week or so, when she finishes the busy tax season.
7/07/2014
Family Fourth of July 2014
I feel like maybe my last post was TMI - sorry about that, if so. Dating is an adventure for sure!
Fourth of July with family was an adventure, as well. Lake T@hoe was gorgeous and the weather was perfect. My mom was doing pretty well, except she got tired more quickly and needed to rest more. I made a full bacon, pancake, potatoes, and cantaloupe breakfast for the family Saturday morning, which was fun to do. I think I'll make that a tradition.
A couple other highlights were going out on the boat to watch fireworks with my mom, sister, her husband, and my niece and nephew, J and E. It was chilly on the boat, so J and I got some good cuddle time. We sang some songs and the fireworks were great, including J's favorite - butterfly shapes - and smiley faces and hearts accompanied by the song, "Happy."
Saturday was a great day overall because the whole family ended up down on our dock talking, sipping drinks, and playing in the water. There's a perfect little person-made swimming area, protected from the waves on the lake by large rocks. E and I had a squirt gun fight with lots of laughter and my sister and I had our first meaningful conversation while hanging out on the dock. She can be tough for me to connect with, so that was nice. Then, several of us took turns trying out the paddle board - I found it harder than it looks to keep afloat! but they got a good pic of me paddling on it that they thought I should put on my dating profile. I'm not sure about that, but maybe...
Stemming from the paddle board picture, my sister and I had an interesting conversation later in the evening, too, about the definition of "athletic" as a body type on profiles. I used to put athletic but now put "average." I think if you list athletic, then the guy will think that you are thin and super fit, which I'm not. My sister thinks I'm athletic because of my genes - my natural build and athleticism. It's true I'm pretty strong and coordinated and did gymnastics and track for many years, then dancing. But I'm probably 15 pounds or more overweight now, so I think it would be false advertising. Thoughts?
Anyway, after our time at the dock, we headed in for more hanging out and talking, then a delicious smoked ribs and veggie/chicken/noodles with peanut sauce dinner (my tummy was a bit upset later, though!) and laughing a lot talking about all the famous people we each had encountered. Dinner morphed into music and a dance party, which we always have to make happen at some point, as it's become a tradition with the kids.
Overall, I would say it was the best trip in recent times that I have had with family, and definitely the best Fourth of July trip. That said, my parents are still very shut down emotionally and don't make much of an effort to reach out and connect. It kind of wears on me, I think more than it does on my sister (well she's a bit like that herself) and my brother who both have spouses and kid(s). And my sister is clearly the "favorite" child, who my parents want to please. When her family left Sunday morning, it was a huge fanfare, and when I left later in the day, it's like, "Make sure and shut the garage door on your way out." lol
I tried to make allowances with my Mom being sick, and to be caring and make sure she was comfortable whenever possible. The feelings of sadness and hurt came up strongly at the end, however, against my will (writing this, I am actually wondering if some of the sadness was ABOUT my mom's illness). It didn't help that I was really tired after our late dinner/dance night the evening before. I held it together, though, to say goodbye to my parents and that I had a really good time, did a little crying walking out, and then had a good talk out by the garage with my brother, who normalized a lot of what I was feeling. He said our dad only talks to him about business, or maybe politics when he's been drinking. And he said, which he's said before, that he doesn't think our parents will ever be capable of meeting my need for connection/love/acceptance; that he's basically given up on that.
I think I had "given up" more, but then the leadership program I was in sort of encouraged trying to heal things with people - plus my mom getting sick made me feel softer towards her, as I've shared here. I don't know, I think maybe there's a line to walk in-between, where I still am authentic and available to connect where possible, but I recognize their limitations and faults and try not to take them personally. It's a tough one.
After a good night's sleep and getting grounded in my own life again, I guess I'm feeling better and more of a sense of gratitude that I had more connection with them than I've had in a while. No, it wasn't even close to ideal, but it was a small shift, and feeling softer towards my mom is a good thing. Plus, I had a great time with everyone (I have a cool SIL and BIL, too) talking, boating, playing in the water, and so much fun being with my nieces and nephew. So I think gratitude wins the day.
Fourth of July with family was an adventure, as well. Lake T@hoe was gorgeous and the weather was perfect. My mom was doing pretty well, except she got tired more quickly and needed to rest more. I made a full bacon, pancake, potatoes, and cantaloupe breakfast for the family Saturday morning, which was fun to do. I think I'll make that a tradition.
A couple other highlights were going out on the boat to watch fireworks with my mom, sister, her husband, and my niece and nephew, J and E. It was chilly on the boat, so J and I got some good cuddle time. We sang some songs and the fireworks were great, including J's favorite - butterfly shapes - and smiley faces and hearts accompanied by the song, "Happy."
Saturday was a great day overall because the whole family ended up down on our dock talking, sipping drinks, and playing in the water. There's a perfect little person-made swimming area, protected from the waves on the lake by large rocks. E and I had a squirt gun fight with lots of laughter and my sister and I had our first meaningful conversation while hanging out on the dock. She can be tough for me to connect with, so that was nice. Then, several of us took turns trying out the paddle board - I found it harder than it looks to keep afloat! but they got a good pic of me paddling on it that they thought I should put on my dating profile. I'm not sure about that, but maybe...
Stemming from the paddle board picture, my sister and I had an interesting conversation later in the evening, too, about the definition of "athletic" as a body type on profiles. I used to put athletic but now put "average." I think if you list athletic, then the guy will think that you are thin and super fit, which I'm not. My sister thinks I'm athletic because of my genes - my natural build and athleticism. It's true I'm pretty strong and coordinated and did gymnastics and track for many years, then dancing. But I'm probably 15 pounds or more overweight now, so I think it would be false advertising. Thoughts?
Anyway, after our time at the dock, we headed in for more hanging out and talking, then a delicious smoked ribs and veggie/chicken/noodles with peanut sauce dinner (my tummy was a bit upset later, though!) and laughing a lot talking about all the famous people we each had encountered. Dinner morphed into music and a dance party, which we always have to make happen at some point, as it's become a tradition with the kids.
Overall, I would say it was the best trip in recent times that I have had with family, and definitely the best Fourth of July trip. That said, my parents are still very shut down emotionally and don't make much of an effort to reach out and connect. It kind of wears on me, I think more than it does on my sister (well she's a bit like that herself) and my brother who both have spouses and kid(s). And my sister is clearly the "favorite" child, who my parents want to please. When her family left Sunday morning, it was a huge fanfare, and when I left later in the day, it's like, "Make sure and shut the garage door on your way out." lol
I tried to make allowances with my Mom being sick, and to be caring and make sure she was comfortable whenever possible. The feelings of sadness and hurt came up strongly at the end, however, against my will (writing this, I am actually wondering if some of the sadness was ABOUT my mom's illness). It didn't help that I was really tired after our late dinner/dance night the evening before. I held it together, though, to say goodbye to my parents and that I had a really good time, did a little crying walking out, and then had a good talk out by the garage with my brother, who normalized a lot of what I was feeling. He said our dad only talks to him about business, or maybe politics when he's been drinking. And he said, which he's said before, that he doesn't think our parents will ever be capable of meeting my need for connection/love/acceptance; that he's basically given up on that.
I think I had "given up" more, but then the leadership program I was in sort of encouraged trying to heal things with people - plus my mom getting sick made me feel softer towards her, as I've shared here. I don't know, I think maybe there's a line to walk in-between, where I still am authentic and available to connect where possible, but I recognize their limitations and faults and try not to take them personally. It's a tough one.
After a good night's sleep and getting grounded in my own life again, I guess I'm feeling better and more of a sense of gratitude that I had more connection with them than I've had in a while. No, it wasn't even close to ideal, but it was a small shift, and feeling softer towards my mom is a good thing. Plus, I had a great time with everyone (I have a cool SIL and BIL, too) talking, boating, playing in the water, and so much fun being with my nieces and nephew. So I think gratitude wins the day.
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