Update on beta hell: The week following was, again, exactly the same as the prior week, around 45.
Cue getting more serious and investigating possibility of getting a D&C, which I would have to get locally, since my several-hours-away clinic isn't covered by my insurance. We talked to a local doctor, RC's friend who works out of a local medical center, who agreed to do the procedure.
I talked to the doctor at the clinic again and he explained again why he was against using methotrex@te, the timeline of recovery for that or a D&C, and how he has come to believe in the wisdom of letting things resolve naturally when possible. This makes sense, but it's sooo hard being in limbo and waiting, waiting, then waiting some more.
But... guess what? In the midst of these considerations, I had another beta this last Friday and... Halle-frickin-lujah, the numbers *finally* started moving in the right direction. It came back at 24.6!! I felt incredibly relieved. I really don't want to get the surgery or take toxic medication if I can avoid it, even though I know many women (including myself) have gone through these and been fine. It's stressful and uncomfortable, and, if I can avoid it and also avoid further delays in starting the next cycle, then that would be much preferred.
Without going into too much detail, after calming and almost stopping, my body has picked up it's efforts of final healing. I had some increased old blood, then some new blood yesterday and today, along with very slight cramping/pulling feelings here and there. I'll go in for another beta next Friday, fingers crossed!
And happening in parallel: a little less than two weeks now until we caravan with all our stuff and animals up to Oregon. Wowza! More about that in another post, but needless to say, this is a huge commitment on both our parts and is bringing up some stuff to work through.
10/28/2018
10/13/2018
Waiting...and Moving
Soooo, we have given up on starting the next cycle quickly or before we move to Oregon. It looks like my next transfer won't be until December.
This is because, instead of going down, my HCG beta went up last Monday to 45! Argh. The doctor then ordered an ultrasound, which I did on Thursday, and which showed there was nothing in my uterus or tubes. Therefore, no ectopic or retained tissue in my uterus or anything like that. I am having a little ongoing spotting and even a little very mild cramping the last couple of days, so I guess my body is still working through healing.
After reviewing the ultrasound results, the doctor gave us three options going forward:
The earliest we could start the next cycle would be around the first of November. Since a cycle takes about a month leading up to transfer, that brings us to the beginning of December. Cycling and transferring over the holidays - wow, not necessarily what I would choose, but we will move forward as soon as possible.
Our move to Oregon will be around the end of the first week of November. Our plans are starting to come together. We have a budget, which includes, in addition to paying for a POD to be moved from the Bay Area to Oregon, one of us driving a U-haul up and towing one of our cars behind, while the other person drives the second car. Sounds stressful! We will be breaking up the trip with a hotel stay, though, so that should help.
Life is rolling along, not as we had envisioned, but we are looking forward to moving to Oregon and feeling hopeful about the next cycle... which I pray starts sooner rather than later!
This is because, instead of going down, my HCG beta went up last Monday to 45! Argh. The doctor then ordered an ultrasound, which I did on Thursday, and which showed there was nothing in my uterus or tubes. Therefore, no ectopic or retained tissue in my uterus or anything like that. I am having a little ongoing spotting and even a little very mild cramping the last couple of days, so I guess my body is still working through healing.
After reviewing the ultrasound results, the doctor gave us three options going forward:
- Continue waiting for the beta to drop (and of course hoping my period arrives in three weeks). My next blood test is scheduled for next Friday.
- Get a saline sonogram and potentially have a DNC or hysteroscopy.
- Take methotrexate, which the doctor does not advise.
The earliest we could start the next cycle would be around the first of November. Since a cycle takes about a month leading up to transfer, that brings us to the beginning of December. Cycling and transferring over the holidays - wow, not necessarily what I would choose, but we will move forward as soon as possible.
Our move to Oregon will be around the end of the first week of November. Our plans are starting to come together. We have a budget, which includes, in addition to paying for a POD to be moved from the Bay Area to Oregon, one of us driving a U-haul up and towing one of our cars behind, while the other person drives the second car. Sounds stressful! We will be breaking up the trip with a hotel stay, though, so that should help.
Life is rolling along, not as we had envisioned, but we are looking forward to moving to Oregon and feeling hopeful about the next cycle... which I pray starts sooner rather than later!
10/05/2018
FET Update #3
Still in limbo land... the Beta number was, wait for it, *exactly the same* last Monday. Argh!! It was around 20. I told my nurse that I needed to have some reason why this was the case and not just, "It's a mystery, wait another week." So, the doctor ended up calling me and talking about how, since the level started and has remained low, it indicates there are slight remaining pregnancy/placental cells somewhere and it can take time for them to clear.
He said to stop the BCP and Trental, which I did right away. Since then, I started bleeding. Definitely an unusual-type cycle - less intense but starting with (TMI Warning) a couple days of old blood and now some red blood with tissue in it. It's all sort of sad, but at the same time, I welcome it because I really want to get back to ground zero and start the new cycle.
I do question why they started me on BCP on cycle day 3 after a chemical pregnancy? Doesn't it make sense that my body go through a whole cycle, and let it run it's course? I guess they were doing it because our initial plan was to go right into an FET cycle, but it needs to make sense with the healing process, too!
A positive development is that we are now clear about moving to Oregon at the start of November, then coming down for the transfer later on. We need to get on with our plans, plus we have a place now! It's in a perfect location, a few blocks from my sister's house and walking distance from my dad and brother's house, as well as a nice outdoor/indoor mall with restaurants, coffee shops, stores, and even a Trader Joe's. We want to get up there and don't want to pay two rents for longer than necessary.
Lastly, I bit the bullet and bought the Circle @nd Bloom meditation program. Yay! I'm excited about the modules specifically corresponding to each phase in the FET cycle and really feel it will help me manage my anxiety this time around. Now, if we can only get started! Fingers crossed for next Wednesday's blood test showing a *ZERO* Beta result!
He said to stop the BCP and Trental, which I did right away. Since then, I started bleeding. Definitely an unusual-type cycle - less intense but starting with (TMI Warning) a couple days of old blood and now some red blood with tissue in it. It's all sort of sad, but at the same time, I welcome it because I really want to get back to ground zero and start the new cycle.
I do question why they started me on BCP on cycle day 3 after a chemical pregnancy? Doesn't it make sense that my body go through a whole cycle, and let it run it's course? I guess they were doing it because our initial plan was to go right into an FET cycle, but it needs to make sense with the healing process, too!
A positive development is that we are now clear about moving to Oregon at the start of November, then coming down for the transfer later on. We need to get on with our plans, plus we have a place now! It's in a perfect location, a few blocks from my sister's house and walking distance from my dad and brother's house, as well as a nice outdoor/indoor mall with restaurants, coffee shops, stores, and even a Trader Joe's. We want to get up there and don't want to pay two rents for longer than necessary.
Lastly, I bit the bullet and bought the Circle @nd Bloom meditation program. Yay! I'm excited about the modules specifically corresponding to each phase in the FET cycle and really feel it will help me manage my anxiety this time around. Now, if we can only get started! Fingers crossed for next Wednesday's blood test showing a *ZERO* Beta result!
9/28/2018
FET Update #2
We are in limbo-land this week because the Beta did not drop. It was around 20 on Monday, so we re-test this Monday, fingers crossed.
It's so frustrating because we had a tentative cycle calendar which had us transfer at the end of October. Now, from what the nurse told me previously, the earliest we could transfer would be November 12th. :( This is an issue not just because it's so hard to be in limbo, but also because we are trying to make a move to my hometown in Oregon, and were planning on the beginning of November. We still may do that, but would then need to make a seven-and-a-half hour drive to the clinic for the transfer.
The good news is that we could get all the testing and ultrasounds done locally, but that's a tough drive to make and not ideal to do shortly after transferring. We will see how things unfold. The first hurdle is getting my d@mn Beta to drop, so please send good thoughts for us on Monday.
I have been feeling okay; a little occasional very light cramping and old blood spotting. I have continued taking the birth control pills, per doctor's orders, as well as the Trental medication for uterine blood flow. My mood has been okay generally, but it seems like I have less patience and tolerance than usual; RC and I have had some frustrating conversations.
I've been trying to meditate daily, however, and today we are going on a big food shopping trip to stock up with healthy items for the cycle. Yay. I'm back up to four career counseling clients, and am enjoying having that to take some positive attention and time. Fingers crossed we can move forward next week!
It's so frustrating because we had a tentative cycle calendar which had us transfer at the end of October. Now, from what the nurse told me previously, the earliest we could transfer would be November 12th. :( This is an issue not just because it's so hard to be in limbo, but also because we are trying to make a move to my hometown in Oregon, and were planning on the beginning of November. We still may do that, but would then need to make a seven-and-a-half hour drive to the clinic for the transfer.
The good news is that we could get all the testing and ultrasounds done locally, but that's a tough drive to make and not ideal to do shortly after transferring. We will see how things unfold. The first hurdle is getting my d@mn Beta to drop, so please send good thoughts for us on Monday.
I have been feeling okay; a little occasional very light cramping and old blood spotting. I have continued taking the birth control pills, per doctor's orders, as well as the Trental medication for uterine blood flow. My mood has been okay generally, but it seems like I have less patience and tolerance than usual; RC and I have had some frustrating conversations.
I've been trying to meditate daily, however, and today we are going on a big food shopping trip to stock up with healthy items for the cycle. Yay. I'm back up to four career counseling clients, and am enjoying having that to take some positive attention and time. Fingers crossed we can move forward next week!
9/23/2018
FET Update #1
I officially started this cycle today with BCPs, so here we go again! I began bleeding early Friday morning, as expected, and the nurse then sent over our new schedule. Lots going on this week with a final Beta blood test tomorrow to assure it's decreased, then a Baseline Ultrasound on Tuesday, and, assuming that's all clear, starting Lupron on Thursday. Our transfer is scheduled for October 23rd. We plan to transfer two again and look forward to talking to the embryologist about which of our remaining 15 (!) frozen embryos he would recommend.
Both RC and I have continued to feel some sadness here and there about our first try not working. He has been more deeply sad about it, I think, because I have gone through so many similar disappointments. Unfortunately, I have some callouses built up around my heart. That sounds strange to say, but hopefully that makes sense to some of you. I do know I'll be over the moon when we get a positive outcome... and it will probably take a while to sink in. I also think I had already started to accept that our cycle hadn't worked, first with the negative HPTs, and then with the super low beta, on top of just not feeling much those last few days.
Today, I'm actually excited to go into a new cycle and am feeling positive about it. I heard three different examples this week of second IVF tries (FETs) working for people, and that feels very encouraging. One was a blogging friend from the Cal IVF FB site who actually just got her positive on the second try with a frozen embryo transfer from her donor IVF cycle.
The second was on a television show I watch in which one of the main character just happened to be going through an IVF cycle. I really related to when she tried to "do everything right" and had her hopes up with a 70% chance of success. Her second try, she and her husband tried to mediate their expectations; she said she felt similarly to the first cycle in terms of symptoms... but it was a success!
When I went to a friend's house for dinner last night to catch up and share the experience, she gave me the third example. She told me about the daughter of a friend who had gone through a lot of infertility ups and downs and, after adopting two children, ended up pregnant with twins on her second IVF round with an FET.
We will be adding a couple new medical strategies to the protocol this time. Firstly, I started taking Trental, a type of Viagra or vasodialator to increase uterine blood flow. Secondly, as I hoped, I will be taking more estrogen from the start of that stage - both patches and pills - to hopefully increase my lining more gradually and fully. I would love it if I could reach at least an 11 or 12mm thickness with my lining. If you had success with an IVF or FET, do you remember what your lining reached prior to transfer?
This cycle, I also intend to meditate more from the beginning. Do you think it's worth spending $59 on a specific FET meditation program from Circle & B1oom? It includes 11 meditations corresponding with different stages of the FET process and sounds like it really focuses on relaxation, stress relief, and empowerment during the post-transfer wait, which was anxiety-provoking and challenging for me last time. I found a few meditations in my meditation app, but I'm not yet sure of their production quality.
Lastly, we talked about getting out of town during the two-week-really 9-day-wait... maybe going to the coast and staying at an air bnb location for two or three days. When we were in the Sacramento hotel for a day and a half after the transfer, I felt like we were in a nurturing bubble. I felt close to RC, relaxed and cozy. I hope all these changes will improve our chances and support our embabies to implant!
Both RC and I have continued to feel some sadness here and there about our first try not working. He has been more deeply sad about it, I think, because I have gone through so many similar disappointments. Unfortunately, I have some callouses built up around my heart. That sounds strange to say, but hopefully that makes sense to some of you. I do know I'll be over the moon when we get a positive outcome... and it will probably take a while to sink in. I also think I had already started to accept that our cycle hadn't worked, first with the negative HPTs, and then with the super low beta, on top of just not feeling much those last few days.
Today, I'm actually excited to go into a new cycle and am feeling positive about it. I heard three different examples this week of second IVF tries (FETs) working for people, and that feels very encouraging. One was a blogging friend from the Cal IVF FB site who actually just got her positive on the second try with a frozen embryo transfer from her donor IVF cycle.
The second was on a television show I watch in which one of the main character just happened to be going through an IVF cycle. I really related to when she tried to "do everything right" and had her hopes up with a 70% chance of success. Her second try, she and her husband tried to mediate their expectations; she said she felt similarly to the first cycle in terms of symptoms... but it was a success!
When I went to a friend's house for dinner last night to catch up and share the experience, she gave me the third example. She told me about the daughter of a friend who had gone through a lot of infertility ups and downs and, after adopting two children, ended up pregnant with twins on her second IVF round with an FET.
We will be adding a couple new medical strategies to the protocol this time. Firstly, I started taking Trental, a type of Viagra or vasodialator to increase uterine blood flow. Secondly, as I hoped, I will be taking more estrogen from the start of that stage - both patches and pills - to hopefully increase my lining more gradually and fully. I would love it if I could reach at least an 11 or 12mm thickness with my lining. If you had success with an IVF or FET, do you remember what your lining reached prior to transfer?
This cycle, I also intend to meditate more from the beginning. Do you think it's worth spending $59 on a specific FET meditation program from Circle & B1oom? It includes 11 meditations corresponding with different stages of the FET process and sounds like it really focuses on relaxation, stress relief, and empowerment during the post-transfer wait, which was anxiety-provoking and challenging for me last time. I found a few meditations in my meditation app, but I'm not yet sure of their production quality.
Lastly, we talked about getting out of town during the two-week-really 9-day-wait... maybe going to the coast and staying at an air bnb location for two or three days. When we were in the Sacramento hotel for a day and a half after the transfer, I felt like we were in a nurturing bubble. I felt close to RC, relaxed and cozy. I hope all these changes will improve our chances and support our embabies to implant!
9/19/2018
Cycle Update 5
And, just like that, despite our great odds, this cycle is a bust. Or more specifically, a "chemical" pregnancy - the most ridiculous name I've ever heard for a very early pregnancy that stops developing.
When the three home pregnancy tests we took came back negative, my anxiety shot through the roof. It was, as they say, not a good sign. But we held out hope that maybe one or both of our embryos were late implanters and looked towards the Beta test that Friday.
The Beta test came back at 12, which, if you are familiar with Betas, is extremely low. They (as in your doctor and nurses) like to see it at least 30, preferably 50. But I did feel excited for a little while, just knowing I was pregnant; that something had started after so many tries with IUI before where nothing started at all. So, we hoped upon hope that it would double properly for the second Beta test on Monday.
On Monday, we drove to the lab, where they told us that the results hadn't been finalized or something. It was very confusing, but when we called the processing center, they faxed over the required confirmation paperwork to my doctor. So they could confirm they are my doctor. Even though the order said the doctor's name and had their signature at the bottom. Argh!
When that happened, they finally sent the results to both my doctor and the lab, and my nurse beat the lab to the punch and called right away. My nurse, who has been super helpful along the way, did not have a positive tone so I guessed even before I heard that the Beta had only risen to a 17. Disappointment does not describe the feeling. It's like a punch to the chest.
RC was immediately super sad, whereas I think I just went kind of numb. I think, too, that what I read about Betas, had indicated that it was extremely uncertain that there would be a positive ending. We decided to drown our sorrows that evening. It was effective, but now we are picking up the pieces and regrouping for a Frozen Embryo Transfer. I have stopped all medication and am waiting to bleed. Once that starts, I let my nurse know and we create a calendar for the FET cycle. We are super fortunate to have great quality frozen embryos to use.
Apparently, my clinic has a committee that meets to discuss cases that did not succeed, so we will be on the agenda. I look forward to hearing how they might want to tweak my protocols and medication. I definitely think I should start with more estrogen, since my lining was thin in the initial check and then barely reached the minimum level before starting progesterone. I think it was close to 9mm. I'd also like to check my progesterone shortly after transfer to assure it's where it should be.
On the two-week (well really 8-9 days) side, RC and I talked about getting out of town for a few days to help mediate my anxiety. Especially on days he worked, it was super challenging for me to get through those last few hours of the afternoon/evening before he got home. He's going to take a day or two off work, and I'm also going to pre-plan some fun and uplifting activities on the days we are in town. I also want to do some hypnobabies meditations - have any of you used those?
I guess we've turned the corner and are looking ahead to the new cycle, but I still feel a little lost and empty at times. We both got attached to the "perfect" little embabies that were transferred this cycle.
When the three home pregnancy tests we took came back negative, my anxiety shot through the roof. It was, as they say, not a good sign. But we held out hope that maybe one or both of our embryos were late implanters and looked towards the Beta test that Friday.
The Beta test came back at 12, which, if you are familiar with Betas, is extremely low. They (as in your doctor and nurses) like to see it at least 30, preferably 50. But I did feel excited for a little while, just knowing I was pregnant; that something had started after so many tries with IUI before where nothing started at all. So, we hoped upon hope that it would double properly for the second Beta test on Monday.
On Monday, we drove to the lab, where they told us that the results hadn't been finalized or something. It was very confusing, but when we called the processing center, they faxed over the required confirmation paperwork to my doctor. So they could confirm they are my doctor. Even though the order said the doctor's name and had their signature at the bottom. Argh!
When that happened, they finally sent the results to both my doctor and the lab, and my nurse beat the lab to the punch and called right away. My nurse, who has been super helpful along the way, did not have a positive tone so I guessed even before I heard that the Beta had only risen to a 17. Disappointment does not describe the feeling. It's like a punch to the chest.
RC was immediately super sad, whereas I think I just went kind of numb. I think, too, that what I read about Betas, had indicated that it was extremely uncertain that there would be a positive ending. We decided to drown our sorrows that evening. It was effective, but now we are picking up the pieces and regrouping for a Frozen Embryo Transfer. I have stopped all medication and am waiting to bleed. Once that starts, I let my nurse know and we create a calendar for the FET cycle. We are super fortunate to have great quality frozen embryos to use.
Apparently, my clinic has a committee that meets to discuss cases that did not succeed, so we will be on the agenda. I look forward to hearing how they might want to tweak my protocols and medication. I definitely think I should start with more estrogen, since my lining was thin in the initial check and then barely reached the minimum level before starting progesterone. I think it was close to 9mm. I'd also like to check my progesterone shortly after transfer to assure it's where it should be.
On the two-week (well really 8-9 days) side, RC and I talked about getting out of town for a few days to help mediate my anxiety. Especially on days he worked, it was super challenging for me to get through those last few hours of the afternoon/evening before he got home. He's going to take a day or two off work, and I'm also going to pre-plan some fun and uplifting activities on the days we are in town. I also want to do some hypnobabies meditations - have any of you used those?
I guess we've turned the corner and are looking ahead to the new cycle, but I still feel a little lost and empty at times. We both got attached to the "perfect" little embabies that were transferred this cycle.
9/09/2018
Cycle Update 4
Sorry I haven't blogged since I got back from Sacramento. I'm just getting to it now after pretty much being obsessed with being PUPO for the last few days.
Everything went great with the transfer. It was AMAZING to see the little "swoosh" on the ultrasound when the embryos were transferred to my uterus. It was uncomfortable holding my pee, especially since they were a half hour late (!), but the nurse let me release a little bit so it was tolerable. The catheter did hurt going in, but nothing else about the procedure hurt. We were given pictures of our beautiful Grade 1 embabies and have them on our wall now. I was pretty blissed out about having them inside me for the first day or two...
Yesterday, though, I felt so anxious, I ended up crying to RC when he got home from work. Today is not much better. I'm trying to distract myself but it's not working very well. I do think I have some classic infertility PTSD from the many previous unsuccessful cycles I did, and also, we have invested SO much into this IVF that I feel terrified of it not working. Somehow the 80% chance of success is not comforting me, even though I guess it should. I've had various symptoms, including:
We are probably going to test late tonight, even though it's on the early side. Since we transferred at 11am on Wednesday, tonight would be on 5dpt of 5-day blastocysts. I'm not clear when people say it's best to wait until 5dpt, it means *after* five whole days or on the fifth day? Anyway, at this moment, I think we're going to start testing tonight. Fingers and toes and everything else crossed.
Everything went great with the transfer. It was AMAZING to see the little "swoosh" on the ultrasound when the embryos were transferred to my uterus. It was uncomfortable holding my pee, especially since they were a half hour late (!), but the nurse let me release a little bit so it was tolerable. The catheter did hurt going in, but nothing else about the procedure hurt. We were given pictures of our beautiful Grade 1 embabies and have them on our wall now. I was pretty blissed out about having them inside me for the first day or two...
Yesterday, though, I felt so anxious, I ended up crying to RC when he got home from work. Today is not much better. I'm trying to distract myself but it's not working very well. I do think I have some classic infertility PTSD from the many previous unsuccessful cycles I did, and also, we have invested SO much into this IVF that I feel terrified of it not working. Somehow the 80% chance of success is not comforting me, even though I guess it should. I've had various symptoms, including:
- A hot flash two days ago (7th). I've never had one before and wow, it was intense.
- Feeling absolutely starving recently around 11am and *needing* to get food ASAP. Initially, we had leftover moo shu chicken (yum), the next day it was an In-N-Out hamburger and fries, and today it was a deli turkey and cranberry sandwich and jalapeno chips.
- Some light pressure-type cramping two days ago (7th) over an hour or hour and a half.
- A wave of feeling really surreal/stony/out of it that evening. It felt like I was on something. I didn't want to lie down. I just walked around feeling whacked out. lol
- Today, I've had a couple episodes of feeling light headed
- Boobs got a little sore yesterday and a little more sore today, but not sharp jabs or stabs like people describe, but did get nipple sensations yesterday like blood flowing in for a couple seconds. Does estrogen or progesterone medication build up over time in the body to create more symptoms? I've been on these same doses for a week and a half and didn't feel much the first few days/week.
- A really intense shooting feeling in lower, right pelvis area yesterday evening, and a lesser one following a couple minutes later on the left side.
- Some fatigue in my right arm today, like when I'm holding a fork or a pencil, they feel too heavy to be holding up. Never heard of that symptom, have you? strange...
We are probably going to test late tonight, even though it's on the early side. Since we transferred at 11am on Wednesday, tonight would be on 5dpt of 5-day blastocysts. I'm not clear when people say it's best to wait until 5dpt, it means *after* five whole days or on the fifth day? Anyway, at this moment, I think we're going to start testing tonight. Fingers and toes and everything else crossed.
9/01/2018
Cycle Update 3
It was so hard waiting until 3 PM yesterday to get my lining checked! Definitely experienced some anxiety, and during my client appointment, I kept looking at the clock every 10 minutes or so. I kept up with all my uterine lining building strategies, though, which included:
Thank you to everyone who gave me ideas on how to help the process!
After my client appointment, I went and worked out, showered, and watch some TV to distract myself. Finally, the time rolled around to leave for my appointment. RC has been working weekends at a side job, so he wasn't around to help defuse my anxiety. Luckily, though, he called while I was driving to the Imaging Center, and we had a good check in.
The embryologist had also called me earlier that morning, so I had some fun information to share, like the fact that all 28 follicles yielded eggs! And a couple more possibly, he said! He also said he would call me today, which is my current anxiety-provoking waiting game. LOL but he is also going to call us Monday to give an update. Since our sperm extraction was surgical, they automatically do ICSI for fertilization, so that was done yesterday afternoon sometime. I can't wait to hear how many successfully fertilized! Fingers crossed.
Anyway, I made it to the lining check, and was of course dying with anticipation, until she told me… my lining was at 8 millimeters! Hallelujah, mega relief!I didn't care what else she measured or how long it took, I was completely excited and relieved for the rest of the time there. We are now officially scheduled for a fresh embryo transfer this coming Wednesday! We are heading up to Sacramento again on Tuessday and will stay there until Thursday afternoon, just relaxing and watching funny movies in the hotel room after the transfer. Do you have any suggestions of movies or shows that you find really funny?
OMG, the embryologist just called while I was writing this! So there were 26 mature eggs retrieved and out of those six were a little less mature. Out of those 26, 23 fertilized and looked great, and two had a singular PN structure (don't ask me to explain that but something about both the sperm in the egg chromosomes being fully present). He said that those latter embryos had maybe a 50% chance of making it to blastocyst, but he would be tracking them in a separate bubble just in case. He said he did have to search for great sperm in the samples, but of the 23 eggs that fertilized, 80% of those sperm looked great. Next check in, Monday; I'm so excited!
- Drinking beet and pomegranate juice.
- Taking L'arginine - by the way, does anyone know if I should stop taking that after the transfer?
- Heating pad on abdomen.
- Lots of water and warm liquids.
- Keeping my feet warm by wearing socks – I do not like wearing socks!
- And most importantly, of course, taking the additional estrogen in the form of two Estrace tabs per day.
Thank you to everyone who gave me ideas on how to help the process!
After my client appointment, I went and worked out, showered, and watch some TV to distract myself. Finally, the time rolled around to leave for my appointment. RC has been working weekends at a side job, so he wasn't around to help defuse my anxiety. Luckily, though, he called while I was driving to the Imaging Center, and we had a good check in.
The embryologist had also called me earlier that morning, so I had some fun information to share, like the fact that all 28 follicles yielded eggs! And a couple more possibly, he said! He also said he would call me today, which is my current anxiety-provoking waiting game. LOL but he is also going to call us Monday to give an update. Since our sperm extraction was surgical, they automatically do ICSI for fertilization, so that was done yesterday afternoon sometime. I can't wait to hear how many successfully fertilized! Fingers crossed.
Anyway, I made it to the lining check, and was of course dying with anticipation, until she told me… my lining was at 8 millimeters! Hallelujah, mega relief!I didn't care what else she measured or how long it took, I was completely excited and relieved for the rest of the time there. We are now officially scheduled for a fresh embryo transfer this coming Wednesday! We are heading up to Sacramento again on Tuessday and will stay there until Thursday afternoon, just relaxing and watching funny movies in the hotel room after the transfer. Do you have any suggestions of movies or shows that you find really funny?
OMG, the embryologist just called while I was writing this! So there were 26 mature eggs retrieved and out of those six were a little less mature. Out of those 26, 23 fertilized and looked great, and two had a singular PN structure (don't ask me to explain that but something about both the sperm in the egg chromosomes being fully present). He said that those latter embryos had maybe a 50% chance of making it to blastocyst, but he would be tracking them in a separate bubble just in case. He said he did have to search for great sperm in the samples, but of the 23 eggs that fertilized, 80% of those sperm looked great. Next check in, Monday; I'm so excited!
8/25/2018
Cycle Update 2
I don't do this often, but if you read regularly, would you consider leaving a comment on this post? I appreciate each comment, especially right now when I'm "in the thick of it" with this cycle. Thank you!
Sooo, three days until my lining check on the 28th! Time continues to creeep by, but our first of two trips to Sacramento is now right around the corner. Since my last post, I have lowered my daily lupron dose from 10 to 5 units and have begun my estrogen patches, changing them out every other day. Those that have done the patches know they leave a lovely trail of gummy outlines across your torso that only come off when I scrape them with my fingernails (rubbing alcohol was ineffective, but if anyone knows how to easily remove these, let me know!).
I investigated and decided I'm going to do an acupuncture treatment the day before transfer to help with blood flow to the uterus. There is some research to support this. Acupuncture has not been an enjoyable activity for me in the past, so I debated some on this decision. In the end, several people on my Cal IVF FB page felt it was helpful, the research seemed to specifically support receiving a treatment within 24 hours prior to transfer, and I decided to visit RC's acupuncturist here in town before we drive over to Sac. He said she does Japanese-style acupuncture with thinner needles, so fingers crossed.
We have continued our lively discussions about whether to transfer one or two. It seems that an individual's risk tolerance represents a huge factor in their opinion of what we should do. My brother has a very low tolerance for risk, and he had a conniption fit when I mentioned we're considering transferring two. The nurses at the clinic also seem clear in their opinion that they would recommend one. Several other people we have asked say something to the effect of, "You're putting so much into it, you should transfer two and get more bang for your buck." RC and I are currently in a two-day experimental period during which we are mentally choosing to transfer one and seeing how it feels and what comes up.
This experiment has already borne fruit in the form of inspiration to look up the specific statistics on the increased risk of preeclampsia, diabetes, and pre-term birth. After reviewing some reputable studies and websites yesterday, my current understanding and belief is that, while there is an increased risk of these issues surfacing, especially preeclampsia, if the 45-year-old+ embryo recipient is generally healthy (blood pressure, weight etc.) prior to transfer and is monitored frequently, the overall outcomes are positive and don't differ significantly from singleton pregnancies. I don't know why I didn't look up the specific details and statistics earlier, but I think maybe I was protecting my desire to transfer two. When we undertook this two-day experiment of planning to transfer one, it opened up willingness to investigate these issues further. In any case, I'm glad I did it and it yielded some useful information.
When I (finally!) had my first local obgyn appointment yesterday, she was very nice and encouraging but didn't have a clear opinion on the one versus two question. She just brought up pros and cons on either side. Same scenario when RC asked his friend and chiropractor. Both said it's not a question with a clear answer, and we need to discuss and decide as a couple. I guess they're right, and we are trying, but we are not there quite yet. Being established with a local doctor feels great, though, and at least I can get local orders for tests and monitoring now.
One more aspect I want to share about this two versus one decision... for many people, it would be a no-brainer: 70% chance of success with one vs. 80-85% with two, plus a 50% chance of twins if you transfer two? Transfer one of course! But when you have gone through many years of trying and failing, including 7 IUIs, which each had maybe a 10-15% of working tops, 10-15% is not a negligible number. 80-85% sounds a LOT better to me, and I would MUCH rather have twins and take all the risks that go along with them than have NO BABY. So yeah, I acknowledge that I bring some history to the table on this decision. What would you do if you were me?
Lastly, I hoped we would hear from the clinic yesterday about our donor's follicle count, but my nurse there said it will be next week. I'm dying to know! She did tell us that her baseline and all initial tests came back with no problems, and she received and started the medications. I have been thinking of her and sending positive energy, and a few days ago I went on Ets-y and found a cool Celtic gratitude necklace/pendant to give her in appreciation. We share Celtic/Irish heritage (along with English and French), so I thought that was meaningful.
I'll post again after the lining check; hopefully with good news!
Sooo, three days until my lining check on the 28th! Time continues to creeep by, but our first of two trips to Sacramento is now right around the corner. Since my last post, I have lowered my daily lupron dose from 10 to 5 units and have begun my estrogen patches, changing them out every other day. Those that have done the patches know they leave a lovely trail of gummy outlines across your torso that only come off when I scrape them with my fingernails (rubbing alcohol was ineffective, but if anyone knows how to easily remove these, let me know!).
I investigated and decided I'm going to do an acupuncture treatment the day before transfer to help with blood flow to the uterus. There is some research to support this. Acupuncture has not been an enjoyable activity for me in the past, so I debated some on this decision. In the end, several people on my Cal IVF FB page felt it was helpful, the research seemed to specifically support receiving a treatment within 24 hours prior to transfer, and I decided to visit RC's acupuncturist here in town before we drive over to Sac. He said she does Japanese-style acupuncture with thinner needles, so fingers crossed.
We have continued our lively discussions about whether to transfer one or two. It seems that an individual's risk tolerance represents a huge factor in their opinion of what we should do. My brother has a very low tolerance for risk, and he had a conniption fit when I mentioned we're considering transferring two. The nurses at the clinic also seem clear in their opinion that they would recommend one. Several other people we have asked say something to the effect of, "You're putting so much into it, you should transfer two and get more bang for your buck." RC and I are currently in a two-day experimental period during which we are mentally choosing to transfer one and seeing how it feels and what comes up.
This experiment has already borne fruit in the form of inspiration to look up the specific statistics on the increased risk of preeclampsia, diabetes, and pre-term birth. After reviewing some reputable studies and websites yesterday, my current understanding and belief is that, while there is an increased risk of these issues surfacing, especially preeclampsia, if the 45-year-old+ embryo recipient is generally healthy (blood pressure, weight etc.) prior to transfer and is monitored frequently, the overall outcomes are positive and don't differ significantly from singleton pregnancies. I don't know why I didn't look up the specific details and statistics earlier, but I think maybe I was protecting my desire to transfer two. When we undertook this two-day experiment of planning to transfer one, it opened up willingness to investigate these issues further. In any case, I'm glad I did it and it yielded some useful information.
When I (finally!) had my first local obgyn appointment yesterday, she was very nice and encouraging but didn't have a clear opinion on the one versus two question. She just brought up pros and cons on either side. Same scenario when RC asked his friend and chiropractor. Both said it's not a question with a clear answer, and we need to discuss and decide as a couple. I guess they're right, and we are trying, but we are not there quite yet. Being established with a local doctor feels great, though, and at least I can get local orders for tests and monitoring now.
One more aspect I want to share about this two versus one decision... for many people, it would be a no-brainer: 70% chance of success with one vs. 80-85% with two, plus a 50% chance of twins if you transfer two? Transfer one of course! But when you have gone through many years of trying and failing, including 7 IUIs, which each had maybe a 10-15% of working tops, 10-15% is not a negligible number. 80-85% sounds a LOT better to me, and I would MUCH rather have twins and take all the risks that go along with them than have NO BABY. So yeah, I acknowledge that I bring some history to the table on this decision. What would you do if you were me?
Lastly, I hoped we would hear from the clinic yesterday about our donor's follicle count, but my nurse there said it will be next week. I'm dying to know! She did tell us that her baseline and all initial tests came back with no problems, and she received and started the medications. I have been thinking of her and sending positive energy, and a few days ago I went on Ets-y and found a cool Celtic gratitude necklace/pendant to give her in appreciation. We share Celtic/Irish heritage (along with English and French), so I thought that was meaningful.
I'll post again after the lining check; hopefully with good news!
8/09/2018
Cycle Updates
I wanted to write an update on our donor egg IVF cycle, which officially started with medication two days ago (!).
Once we paid the (huge) fee for the procedure, we started getting excited and having many conversations about whether we wanted to transfer one or two embryos. The percentage of success with one embryo is 70% and with two, 80%. Apparently, to most people, 10% seems negligible, but that does not reflect my feelings. Maybe it's my teaching background - the difference between a C and a B - or maybe it's the psychological impact that 8 out of 10 or 80% has on my brain (I want those odds!), but it seems fairly significant to me.
But a 50% chance of twins if we transfer two? Those are significant odds, as well. We are open to twins and would much prefer them to a failed cycle, but we would definitely rather have one than two. Of course, two would be much harder on my (older mom) body and there are increased chances of preeclampsia and pre-term birth, moreso the latter I think.
We also think, however, about using donor egg and how this might increase the desire and benefit for a child to have a sibling. RC was a twin and has positive feelings about that. Twins could be lots of fun, right?! But also expensive and lots - and lots and lots - of work! So, we are continuing to reflect on this and feel into whether at some level we want or would be happy about having twins, which I feel would be a necessary precursor to transferring two.
In terms of concrete actions, I started Lupron day before yesterday. I've administered Lupron subcutaneously to myself before, so it is not too daunting and, strangely, a little bit fun. I just love the feeling of moving forward and each injection contributing to the success of this cycle. Today was my last BCP, so that feels momentous, as well. Hopefully, it's the last pack of pills for the next nine months and maybe ever!
Forthcoming exciting action steps include starting my Estradiol patches on the 14th, then going to Cal IVF for my lining check appointment on the 28th. We know the area a little better now, so rather than booking a hotel close to downtown and some very sketchy areas, we booked a Marriott within walking distance of the clinic. I love staying in (decent) hotels, it's like a fun introvert slumber party for me. They serve warm breakfast in the morning, too - yum.
If all goes well, the donor will donate the eggs on September 2nd, and somewhere around this time, I start dreaded progesterone injections. I have gotten a few helpful tips from friends; if you have any advice on how to make it less intimidating or painful, I would love to hear them. Then, the embryo(s) will be transferred to my uterus around the 7th. I'm so excited. :) Please send us good thoughts!
Once we paid the (huge) fee for the procedure, we started getting excited and having many conversations about whether we wanted to transfer one or two embryos. The percentage of success with one embryo is 70% and with two, 80%. Apparently, to most people, 10% seems negligible, but that does not reflect my feelings. Maybe it's my teaching background - the difference between a C and a B - or maybe it's the psychological impact that 8 out of 10 or 80% has on my brain (I want those odds!), but it seems fairly significant to me.
But a 50% chance of twins if we transfer two? Those are significant odds, as well. We are open to twins and would much prefer them to a failed cycle, but we would definitely rather have one than two. Of course, two would be much harder on my (older mom) body and there are increased chances of preeclampsia and pre-term birth, moreso the latter I think.
We also think, however, about using donor egg and how this might increase the desire and benefit for a child to have a sibling. RC was a twin and has positive feelings about that. Twins could be lots of fun, right?! But also expensive and lots - and lots and lots - of work! So, we are continuing to reflect on this and feel into whether at some level we want or would be happy about having twins, which I feel would be a necessary precursor to transferring two.
In terms of concrete actions, I started Lupron day before yesterday. I've administered Lupron subcutaneously to myself before, so it is not too daunting and, strangely, a little bit fun. I just love the feeling of moving forward and each injection contributing to the success of this cycle. Today was my last BCP, so that feels momentous, as well. Hopefully, it's the last pack of pills for the next nine months and maybe ever!
Forthcoming exciting action steps include starting my Estradiol patches on the 14th, then going to Cal IVF for my lining check appointment on the 28th. We know the area a little better now, so rather than booking a hotel close to downtown and some very sketchy areas, we booked a Marriott within walking distance of the clinic. I love staying in (decent) hotels, it's like a fun introvert slumber party for me. They serve warm breakfast in the morning, too - yum.
If all goes well, the donor will donate the eggs on September 2nd, and somewhere around this time, I start dreaded progesterone injections. I have gotten a few helpful tips from friends; if you have any advice on how to make it less intimidating or painful, I would love to hear them. Then, the embryo(s) will be transferred to my uterus around the 7th. I'm so excited. :) Please send us good thoughts!
7/18/2018
Another Round of Fertility Procedures (eek!)
This post will be about wrapping up a loose end, than talk about fertility procedures and upcoming appointments...
So, first of all, something has been on my mind for a long time and I want to put it out there, even though I feel nervous and awkward about it. I feel I owe it to my supporters.
A couple of years ago, when I was really excited about a donor embryo program (which happens to be under the umbrella of the same organization where RC and I are currently getting treatments), I launched a fundraising campaign to raise money to make up the difference between the loan for which I qualified and the cost of the program. Despite the generosity of many online friends, and although I raised a respectable amount, I was not able to raise the amount needed to move forward. And then time passed, and through no action on my part, I no longer qualified for the secured loan. Then, I decided to pursue adoption again. Then, I got a job in another county. Then, I moved. Then I met RC, etc. Life kept rolling on, and I didn't have the presence of mind to stop and acknowledge that I never moved forward with the donor embryo program for which I had raised money.
Sooo, I want to acknowledge that now, and once again thank all the kind, generous people who donated to my campaign and supported me in my dream. I appreciate you so much. Those monies were used up in initial testing procedures, the efforts towards adoption and qualifying for my home study, buying items for the nursery, and in the moving transition. But I did not cross the finish line and they did not go towards the bulk of the program cost. Now that RC and I are moving forward again with fertility procedures, I feel that all the support people gave me along the way have brought me to this point, and I'm extremely grateful. I also feel I should offer to give donations back if anyone is uncomfortable with the money not being used directly for the program I was pursuing at that time.
Will you please write me individually if you feel this way, and I will make an effort to return your donation? Thank you, and thank you very much to everyone for the support you've given me on this very long journey.
With regard to the donor egg IVF program RC and I are currently pursuing, we have the first round of treatments coming up next week! He is having a sperm extraction procedure - I can't spell the name of it at this moment - which is making him feel pretty nervous. From what the doctor told us, we are confident we will end up with more than enough healthy sperm to move forward with the donor egg IVF at the end of August or beginning of September.
When we go in next week for his procedure, I will also get another saline sonogram, since too much time has passed since my last one. Since I had polyps removed in February, I'm hopeful my uterus will look good, fingers crossed. Then, at the beginning of August, our chosen donor will start her medication protocol in preparation for extracting eggs for both us and another couple who is sharing the donation with us. I will also start a medication protocol (mainly estrogen and progesterone I think?) at some point. So that's the plan so far.
I have had some interesting concerns and questions come up around using a donor egg that I didn't necessarily expect. In part, I think it's different using a donor egg and my partner's sperm versus a donor embryo, which to me felt like adoption, but having more control and early connection. In this case, RC WILL have a genetic connection to the child and I will not, which feels unfair in a way. I'm feeling some sadness again about not having the chance to look for my own features in my child and compare similarities with RC.
But then I think about being pregnant and holding MY baby, my child, and the excitement far outweighs the sadness or concern. We were fortunate to be able to choose the donor from their database... our first two choices were not available, but our third choice was, and now I feel like it was the right choice for us. She has a childhood picture in her profile that looks a little like me as a child, she's short and muscular like me, she has short grandmothers like me, she's introverted, smart, kind, and plans to study neuropsychiatry. She has English and Irish heritage, like me, and Scottish like RC, but also has a little Greek and Cherokee, which I've been wrapping my mind around. I'm at the point now where I think that's pretty cool and look forward to exploring that with the child down the road.
I'll probably write more on this later but want to get this post published for now. This is getting really real, and it's giving me butterflies even as I type this!
So, first of all, something has been on my mind for a long time and I want to put it out there, even though I feel nervous and awkward about it. I feel I owe it to my supporters.
A couple of years ago, when I was really excited about a donor embryo program (which happens to be under the umbrella of the same organization where RC and I are currently getting treatments), I launched a fundraising campaign to raise money to make up the difference between the loan for which I qualified and the cost of the program. Despite the generosity of many online friends, and although I raised a respectable amount, I was not able to raise the amount needed to move forward. And then time passed, and through no action on my part, I no longer qualified for the secured loan. Then, I decided to pursue adoption again. Then, I got a job in another county. Then, I moved. Then I met RC, etc. Life kept rolling on, and I didn't have the presence of mind to stop and acknowledge that I never moved forward with the donor embryo program for which I had raised money.
Sooo, I want to acknowledge that now, and once again thank all the kind, generous people who donated to my campaign and supported me in my dream. I appreciate you so much. Those monies were used up in initial testing procedures, the efforts towards adoption and qualifying for my home study, buying items for the nursery, and in the moving transition. But I did not cross the finish line and they did not go towards the bulk of the program cost. Now that RC and I are moving forward again with fertility procedures, I feel that all the support people gave me along the way have brought me to this point, and I'm extremely grateful. I also feel I should offer to give donations back if anyone is uncomfortable with the money not being used directly for the program I was pursuing at that time.
Will you please write me individually if you feel this way, and I will make an effort to return your donation? Thank you, and thank you very much to everyone for the support you've given me on this very long journey.
With regard to the donor egg IVF program RC and I are currently pursuing, we have the first round of treatments coming up next week! He is having a sperm extraction procedure - I can't spell the name of it at this moment - which is making him feel pretty nervous. From what the doctor told us, we are confident we will end up with more than enough healthy sperm to move forward with the donor egg IVF at the end of August or beginning of September.
When we go in next week for his procedure, I will also get another saline sonogram, since too much time has passed since my last one. Since I had polyps removed in February, I'm hopeful my uterus will look good, fingers crossed. Then, at the beginning of August, our chosen donor will start her medication protocol in preparation for extracting eggs for both us and another couple who is sharing the donation with us. I will also start a medication protocol (mainly estrogen and progesterone I think?) at some point. So that's the plan so far.
I have had some interesting concerns and questions come up around using a donor egg that I didn't necessarily expect. In part, I think it's different using a donor egg and my partner's sperm versus a donor embryo, which to me felt like adoption, but having more control and early connection. In this case, RC WILL have a genetic connection to the child and I will not, which feels unfair in a way. I'm feeling some sadness again about not having the chance to look for my own features in my child and compare similarities with RC.
But then I think about being pregnant and holding MY baby, my child, and the excitement far outweighs the sadness or concern. We were fortunate to be able to choose the donor from their database... our first two choices were not available, but our third choice was, and now I feel like it was the right choice for us. She has a childhood picture in her profile that looks a little like me as a child, she's short and muscular like me, she has short grandmothers like me, she's introverted, smart, kind, and plans to study neuropsychiatry. She has English and Irish heritage, like me, and Scottish like RC, but also has a little Greek and Cherokee, which I've been wrapping my mind around. I'm at the point now where I think that's pretty cool and look forward to exploring that with the child down the road.
I'll probably write more on this later but want to get this post published for now. This is getting really real, and it's giving me butterflies even as I type this!
7/12/2018
Tahoe 2018
We returned from Tahoe last Sunday. As usual with my family on vacation, there was a lot of alcohol, so we became a little weary of that, but overall, it was a fun, bonding time. We went out on the boat twice, ate some delicious grilled hamburgers and smoked ribs for the Fourth, played a lot on and around our dock, and had a rockin' dance party with the kids. A few other specific highlights I want to remember:
- Making pie filling and decorating for Fourth of July with my oldest niece J. She is 10 now and tends to be very independent, so it was nice to have some time with her.
- Getting up early and kayaking one morning with RC. The water was fairly smooth, the air was cool, and the view of the lake and mountains was expansive. I love kayaking because it brings you down onto the surface of the lake, and it's really fun and easy to paddle and move through the water.
- My sister and brother-in-law brought these huge inflatable lake toys: a big, pink flamingo, which J enjoyed paddling around, and a huge, several-person raft-type inflatable with an area to lie on adjacent to a circular seating area with room for several people and round open area in the middle so your feet could dangle in the water. We tied the big inflatable to the dock and had several dock chairs, as well, so we had a great place to hang out. The kids (and adults) loved jumping off the end of the dock when they got hot or needed some excitement.
- Chatting to my nephew, E, since he tended to be up earlier than anyone else and would hang out and eat breakfast while R and I made coffee.
- Seeing the changes in my littlest niece, D, and what a happy, engaged, and adventurous little girl she is becoming. Loved holding her hand and playing with her in the sand on the hotel beach where we went to visit my sisters friends one day.
- Sipping bloody mary's and watching a world cup game at a nearby resort with my sister and her family. They got us into it, and we are looking forward to watching the finals this weekend.
- RC and I being a team and getting along throughout the trip. He supported me at one point when I had some family "less than" stuff come up, was great with the kids, and generally fit in great with my family. At one point my sister asked me about marriage (which we've talked about a little lately!) and looking at me in a meaningful way, communicating her approval. Very cool and moving to me.
6/29/2018
Holiday Trip! And sleep struggles...
First, some fabulous news: I got a new (used) MacBook!! I didn't realize how much I missed having a laptop computer until I didn't have one for a month, when I had to return the other one to my school. It's my precious and I love it. lol
In other good news, we leave for Tahoe early Tuesday morning. I'm starting to look forward to it. We have our meals and snacks mapped out and are going shopping on Monday. It's a longer drive from here - about six hours - but it will be worth it. Looking forward to seeing my nieces and nephew, playing on the water, and going out on our dock and out on the boat. We usually go out on the boat at least a couple of times and anchor it in a nice spot so we can go swimming, listen to music, eat lunch, etc. Really looking forward to kayaking this year, too, with both my oldest niece and with RC. We will watch the fireworks off the dock again, which is always fun. Hopefully we can get the radio station tuned to the right channel from the get-go this time and not be scrambling. Fireworks are definitely enhanced with the choreographed music.
In relation to this holiday, I want to mention that I am aware that our government is currently engaging in acts and creating policies that I am very much against. I don't associate Fourth of July with all that; I think of it as an opportunity to gather with family. But I am talking to friends, signing petitions and looking for ways to take further action to express my deep disapproval. I'm also starting to look forward to Michael Moore's movie about our current president...
I also wanted to bring up a topic and hope to hear feedback from some of you who are currently in relationships or have dealt with this in the past. So RC and I have been navigating blending our lives and daily routines. I have mentioned my frustrations with not currently having much going on in terms of my own activities. I'm noticing how much I need to feel a sense of purpose and meaning in my life or I start to get depressed or sometimes feel a lot of anxiety. I have taken this out on RC at times, which isn't really fair, but we are talking about it and working through it together. Additionally, he sometimes gets attached to his routines, so he is looking at that and trying to be a little more flexible. This comes up around cooking and eating, but especially around sleep patterns, as sleep is something he seems to have struggled with ever since we started dating and beforehand, as well.
Yesterday, I got mad because it seemed like he was blaming me or our relationship for his getting less sleep, when, in fact, I know it's been a constant issue for him from long before I came along. I think my anger really stemmed from the fact that I have adjusted my own sleep and tv-watching patterns quite a lot to meet his needs around bedtime and sleep (in general, I'm watching way less tv, which is good, but has also been a source of relaxation for me). I am usually a night owl, going to bed around 11:30pm or midnight. Now, we start getting ready for bed at 10:30 or 10:45 and are in bed or asleep by 11. I usually ask him about his sleep and sympathize with his struggles, as well. So when he sounds critical of me or like he's blaming me at some level, it hurts my feelings and frustrates me.
Have you gone through the process of integrating different sleep patterns in a relationship? How did you do it, or what did you find helpful?
In other good news, we leave for Tahoe early Tuesday morning. I'm starting to look forward to it. We have our meals and snacks mapped out and are going shopping on Monday. It's a longer drive from here - about six hours - but it will be worth it. Looking forward to seeing my nieces and nephew, playing on the water, and going out on our dock and out on the boat. We usually go out on the boat at least a couple of times and anchor it in a nice spot so we can go swimming, listen to music, eat lunch, etc. Really looking forward to kayaking this year, too, with both my oldest niece and with RC. We will watch the fireworks off the dock again, which is always fun. Hopefully we can get the radio station tuned to the right channel from the get-go this time and not be scrambling. Fireworks are definitely enhanced with the choreographed music.
In relation to this holiday, I want to mention that I am aware that our government is currently engaging in acts and creating policies that I am very much against. I don't associate Fourth of July with all that; I think of it as an opportunity to gather with family. But I am talking to friends, signing petitions and looking for ways to take further action to express my deep disapproval. I'm also starting to look forward to Michael Moore's movie about our current president...
I also wanted to bring up a topic and hope to hear feedback from some of you who are currently in relationships or have dealt with this in the past. So RC and I have been navigating blending our lives and daily routines. I have mentioned my frustrations with not currently having much going on in terms of my own activities. I'm noticing how much I need to feel a sense of purpose and meaning in my life or I start to get depressed or sometimes feel a lot of anxiety. I have taken this out on RC at times, which isn't really fair, but we are talking about it and working through it together. Additionally, he sometimes gets attached to his routines, so he is looking at that and trying to be a little more flexible. This comes up around cooking and eating, but especially around sleep patterns, as sleep is something he seems to have struggled with ever since we started dating and beforehand, as well.
Yesterday, I got mad because it seemed like he was blaming me or our relationship for his getting less sleep, when, in fact, I know it's been a constant issue for him from long before I came along. I think my anger really stemmed from the fact that I have adjusted my own sleep and tv-watching patterns quite a lot to meet his needs around bedtime and sleep (in general, I'm watching way less tv, which is good, but has also been a source of relaxation for me). I am usually a night owl, going to bed around 11:30pm or midnight. Now, we start getting ready for bed at 10:30 or 10:45 and are in bed or asleep by 11. I usually ask him about his sleep and sympathize with his struggles, as well. So when he sounds critical of me or like he's blaming me at some level, it hurts my feelings and frustrates me.
Have you gone through the process of integrating different sleep patterns in a relationship? How did you do it, or what did you find helpful?
6/20/2018
Looking forward
Well, I guess I would say things have improved though I continue to feel a little stuck around creating a routine and daily flow that works for me. I think that comes with having a life of my own, which I don't have here after three weeks. RC has mostly come out of his funk, for which I'm grateful.
I'm looking forward to two upcoming trips. The first one is the family trip to Tahoe over the Fourth of July. We're just going for three days, but I'm excited to see everyone and play in the lake, boating and kayaking and swimming, etc.
The second trip is the one RC and I are taking for the first round of treatments at Cal IVF. It turns out the trip is just a little over four hours, but RC has to be there for the sperm extraction surgery at 8:30am so we're going over the night before. While he's in surgery, I'm going to get the required saline sonogram, so I get to have some fun too. lol Even though they are uncomfortable medical procedures, I'm really excited to move forward on our fertility plans!
Oh and I did hear back from the university, and I did not advance. Boo. I'm continuing to search and apply. Yesterday, RC and I made a list of fun and interesting activities we want to do this summer, so I hope we can start getting out and playing more. He does have an interview tomorrow for a weekend job in a local wine tasting room. Fingers crossed for some badly needed savings income. A friend also contacted me out of the blue for career counseling support. I love it when work comes in without even trying.
I'm looking forward to two upcoming trips. The first one is the family trip to Tahoe over the Fourth of July. We're just going for three days, but I'm excited to see everyone and play in the lake, boating and kayaking and swimming, etc.
The second trip is the one RC and I are taking for the first round of treatments at Cal IVF. It turns out the trip is just a little over four hours, but RC has to be there for the sperm extraction surgery at 8:30am so we're going over the night before. While he's in surgery, I'm going to get the required saline sonogram, so I get to have some fun too. lol Even though they are uncomfortable medical procedures, I'm really excited to move forward on our fertility plans!
Oh and I did hear back from the university, and I did not advance. Boo. I'm continuing to search and apply. Yesterday, RC and I made a list of fun and interesting activities we want to do this summer, so I hope we can start getting out and playing more. He does have an interview tomorrow for a weekend job in a local wine tasting room. Fingers crossed for some badly needed savings income. A friend also contacted me out of the blue for career counseling support. I love it when work comes in without even trying.
6/12/2018
A Bumpy Time
I've arrived and gotten mostly settled in RC's place (I guess "our" place now) on the central coast.
Honestly, it's been a mixed bag so far. I don't regret it, but there are challenges. To begin with, Introverts living together 24/7 is a recipe for some frustration and irritability to come up at times. I have also found it hard to create my own focus and flow, and have realized I do not feel satisfied when I'm in his flow or routine. It seems like he's always puttering around cooking something, taking supplements, or trying to solve a technical issue with the computers. I'm trying to set some goals each day and develop my own routine.
He's also been waking up in a foul mood, lacking sleep the last few days, which sucks because I tend to wake up in a good mood and enjoy being playful. We've been talking about finances, which brings up stress, and this week he decided, and I agreed, that we should cancel our trip to Texas to see his family because we need to continue working on financial health, especially considering we want to move forward with fertility procedures later this summer. He's understandably sad and disappointed about that, and we've had several conversations about it. I feel helpless to make it better and his negative mood is starting to wear on me. How long should it take to grieve and move on from something like that? It's been a few days.
He's especially disappointed that now he won't get to spend Father's Day with his sons and grandkids, which he was envisioning as a healing experience after many years of getting little recognition on that day. I guess his sons are not great at holiday gifts and gestures. Anyway, I understand that but like I mentioned, his depressive state is wearing on me.
On a positive note, the animals have adjusted well and are more comfortable hanging out together and are even playing a little together in funny ways. It's nice having a cat in my life again. And RC and I have had some meaningful conversations and nice walks and meals together. We had a lovely afternoon last weekend doing a little wine tasting, then sitting on the patio listening to a great live singer, sipping wine, and eating charcuterie.
I still haven't heard back from the university in Oregon, which sucks. I'm still trying to remain hopeful. I kind of miss working, which is strange to say, but it does give a sense of purpose, and I enjoy meeting with students/clients.
Honestly, it's been a mixed bag so far. I don't regret it, but there are challenges. To begin with, Introverts living together 24/7 is a recipe for some frustration and irritability to come up at times. I have also found it hard to create my own focus and flow, and have realized I do not feel satisfied when I'm in his flow or routine. It seems like he's always puttering around cooking something, taking supplements, or trying to solve a technical issue with the computers. I'm trying to set some goals each day and develop my own routine.
He's also been waking up in a foul mood, lacking sleep the last few days, which sucks because I tend to wake up in a good mood and enjoy being playful. We've been talking about finances, which brings up stress, and this week he decided, and I agreed, that we should cancel our trip to Texas to see his family because we need to continue working on financial health, especially considering we want to move forward with fertility procedures later this summer. He's understandably sad and disappointed about that, and we've had several conversations about it. I feel helpless to make it better and his negative mood is starting to wear on me. How long should it take to grieve and move on from something like that? It's been a few days.
He's especially disappointed that now he won't get to spend Father's Day with his sons and grandkids, which he was envisioning as a healing experience after many years of getting little recognition on that day. I guess his sons are not great at holiday gifts and gestures. Anyway, I understand that but like I mentioned, his depressive state is wearing on me.
On a positive note, the animals have adjusted well and are more comfortable hanging out together and are even playing a little together in funny ways. It's nice having a cat in my life again. And RC and I have had some meaningful conversations and nice walks and meals together. We had a lovely afternoon last weekend doing a little wine tasting, then sitting on the patio listening to a great live singer, sipping wine, and eating charcuterie.
I still haven't heard back from the university in Oregon, which sucks. I'm still trying to remain hopeful. I kind of miss working, which is strange to say, but it does give a sense of purpose, and I enjoy meeting with students/clients.
5/27/2018
Saying Goodbyes
The next time I post, I will likely be with RC in Atascadero! This time is filled with significant endings, mainly in the last week and upcoming week, that I want to share...
All of our current final three candidates, like me, are reflective and thoughtful, are focused on a career in psychology, have a passion for music, writing, and/or the arts, and are active and athletic. The looks side of things was interesting... I wanted women who shared my family traits in terms of hair and eye color as much as possible, and we wanted to feel warmth or "drawn to" their pictures. One of the candidates doesn't meet the warmth factor to the level we would prefer, especially for RC, but she was attractive and everything else is great, so overall she seems like a good choice.
We had one bump in the road when we were told our top choice was no longer available, as she had just been chosen for her final (6th!) donation. It's disappointing but out of our control, so I choose to believe the donor we end up with is the one we were meant to have.
Our next steps are to have the couple's psychological consultation week after next and then RC will go for his sperm extraction procedure in July. At that time, I will also likely undergo another saline sonogram, as unfortunately the one I had before was too long ago.
Please send good thoughts for my move and settling in to RC's place for the summer. I'm praying it goes relatively smoothly!
- Spring semester at my school came to an end. It was a big push with a couple of my students to get their work completed to graduate. Also, we had online courses that were "self-paced" (translation: "nightmare!"), which had to be crammed to completion, as well. So I spent a lot of time herding cats, but graduation on Thursday was special and meaningful, and we got through the semester!
- Related to the end of the semester, I will be giving notice at the community college in the near future. I feel less sure of that, since I was given an abundance of classes to teach in the Fall and went through three interviews before I was offered this job. It's a great school, great area, and a tough one to leave. But having a partner and a family takes precedence, and if I can find employment with the university in Oregon, that will be even better. I applied for unemployment on Friday, based on receiving no summer assignment, and will give my notice as soon as that is established.
- After all the intensity of celebrations and goodbyes on Thursday and Friday, I had my last Chalice Circle group gathering at the UU church I've been attending in Petaluma. The theme was goodbyes and OMG y'all, I was so exhausted I was falling asleep in the initial round of sharing. It didn't help that everyone was sharing about the most impactful deaths in their life. Normally, I would be fine and in my empathic counseling mode, but I was not. up. for. it. that night. I apologized and luckily the next round was a little lighter. I'm glad I went for closure and hope to keep in touch with one or two of the women in the group. Through the course of our group meetings and discussions, I did realize that I am more God-focused, even more of a very progressive/liberal Christian, than the general culture of the UU church, so I will probably look for a Unity or other similar-type church wherever RC and I end up.
- Now, comes the last of this series of endings: leaving Petaluma and moving out of my house here. Everything has been in disarray since RC was here a week or two ago and we completed a first round of moving stuff into the pod. He arrives again tomorrow for the final push. We will have the guy who helped us last time come again on Wednesday to get everything else out. Then, left with only a blow-up bed and a few necessities, we will sleep a last night in this place and drive down to Atascadero Thursday morning, with Zoey of course. Zoey will be in for a big adjustment time learning to live with RC's cat, Calvin. Luckily they've spent time together already, so we won't be starting from ground zero. I'm a little sad to leave Petaluma, as I really enjoyed living here, especially being in walking distance to downtown and all it's restaurants, shops, and community events - not to mention wine tasting which I did for a last hurrah yesterday late afternoon/early evening. As far as this too-small, funky little townhouse, situated in a too-loud, messy complex? No sadness at leaving that in the rearview mirror.
All of our current final three candidates, like me, are reflective and thoughtful, are focused on a career in psychology, have a passion for music, writing, and/or the arts, and are active and athletic. The looks side of things was interesting... I wanted women who shared my family traits in terms of hair and eye color as much as possible, and we wanted to feel warmth or "drawn to" their pictures. One of the candidates doesn't meet the warmth factor to the level we would prefer, especially for RC, but she was attractive and everything else is great, so overall she seems like a good choice.
We had one bump in the road when we were told our top choice was no longer available, as she had just been chosen for her final (6th!) donation. It's disappointing but out of our control, so I choose to believe the donor we end up with is the one we were meant to have.
Our next steps are to have the couple's psychological consultation week after next and then RC will go for his sperm extraction procedure in July. At that time, I will also likely undergo another saline sonogram, as unfortunately the one I had before was too long ago.
Please send good thoughts for my move and settling in to RC's place for the summer. I'm praying it goes relatively smoothly!
5/20/2018
Over the Hump
It's been almost a month since I posted! I've been pretty occupied with gearing up for this move. The Variety Show I organized for the students went pretty well. We didn't have a huge turnout for the show, but I considered it a success that most of them did actually perform something and have that success and added confidence going forward. My program Director also posted the show on FB so it got out to more folks and was positive for the program.
RC has been here for the past week supporting me to prepare for moving lots of my stuff into the pod yesterday. We ended up hiring a guy from Craigslist to help us with labor, as there were a few things that he and couldn't have moved on our own. We are now on the other side, and I feel super relieved! My place has emptied out and now just has necessities to get through the next 10 or so days. RC is coming back in about a week, next Monday, for the final load-in, and then we head down the coast to his place. Crazy!
We have had some tension this week, because he had expectations of how the week would go with him being here - that it would mainly be about him physically moving stuff. But for me, and I tried to communicate this to him but not clearly enough, the initial task was providing moral support and provide energy/encouragement to get some challenging organizing/packing steps done. A big challenge was that I had to work last week, so he was at my house feeling frustrated during the day because he felt he couldn't move forward on that much.
But to me, it was hugely helpful to do certain things, like: move the boxes out from under the stairs so I could sort through them and repack some of them; buy more boxes and packing stuff at the store; repack a storage bin that had collapsed and take apart the crib and desk, etc. I had a little energy left when I got home to do a few things, but then I needed to rest and recharge for the next day of work. I knew tasks were moving forward in the way they needed to though, whereas he couldn't see it as much because it wasn't his stuff.
Anyway, we ended up talking it through Friday evening and Saturday morning I got a bunch of stuff done for when the moving guy came at 11:30. We had a wonderful walk around the lake that we like to do and a nice dinner where he actually broached the topic of marriage (!), so the week is ending well. I'm going to go make him breakfast before he has to drive back. Feeling a lot of gratitude and excitement about future possibilities. I also had a phone interview with that university in Eugene this week - more on that later!
RC has been here for the past week supporting me to prepare for moving lots of my stuff into the pod yesterday. We ended up hiring a guy from Craigslist to help us with labor, as there were a few things that he and couldn't have moved on our own. We are now on the other side, and I feel super relieved! My place has emptied out and now just has necessities to get through the next 10 or so days. RC is coming back in about a week, next Monday, for the final load-in, and then we head down the coast to his place. Crazy!
We have had some tension this week, because he had expectations of how the week would go with him being here - that it would mainly be about him physically moving stuff. But for me, and I tried to communicate this to him but not clearly enough, the initial task was providing moral support and provide energy/encouragement to get some challenging organizing/packing steps done. A big challenge was that I had to work last week, so he was at my house feeling frustrated during the day because he felt he couldn't move forward on that much.
But to me, it was hugely helpful to do certain things, like: move the boxes out from under the stairs so I could sort through them and repack some of them; buy more boxes and packing stuff at the store; repack a storage bin that had collapsed and take apart the crib and desk, etc. I had a little energy left when I got home to do a few things, but then I needed to rest and recharge for the next day of work. I knew tasks were moving forward in the way they needed to though, whereas he couldn't see it as much because it wasn't his stuff.
Anyway, we ended up talking it through Friday evening and Saturday morning I got a bunch of stuff done for when the moving guy came at 11:30. We had a wonderful walk around the lake that we like to do and a nice dinner where he actually broached the topic of marriage (!), so the week is ending well. I'm going to go make him breakfast before he has to drive back. Feeling a lot of gratitude and excitement about future possibilities. I also had a phone interview with that university in Eugene this week - more on that later!
4/22/2018
Big Changes
Sunday morning, April 22...beautiful day here in Northern California. Feeling grateful for the weekend and catching up on sleep after a hectic week, including a tech rehearsal for the Variety Show I'm producing for our program as drama club advisor, and the show is coming together, though I have felt like I am herding cats for much of the process. After next Thursday evening, the show will be complete, and I will have a lighter load.
I've been spending some time this weekend planning and thinking through action steps to prepare for moving in with RC at the end of May. We came up with this new plan after he had a mini-breakdown thinking of moving up here right now. He has lived in his place much longer than I have and will be getting rid of lots of stuff in the move. Also, he has a strong support system down there, and he just started an intensive 12-week online program to become a fitness trainer.
As we talked through it more fully, it does make sense that I put my stuff in storage and move down there. I have no work up here - he can work some part-time concert event hours down there at a winery - and I can get unemployment wherever I am located. Also, I am seeing it as an opportunity to really focus on creating my online introvert/professional career transition program.
The negatives include: his place is not very nice, as I mentioned earlier; I have pack up all my stuff again after doing that just a year ago; and we will be living on the Central Coast in a location that is less desirable than my current neighborhood.
I think the positives outweigh the negatives, though, and include: saving money through paying less rent and his additional income; simplifying my life so I can really focus on creating this online program; he and I spending quality time together this summer in-between both of us focusing on completing online programs - he from the student side and me from the counseling/coaching side; and giving him more time to sort through his stuff and decide what to get rid of, keep, or store.
The negatives are mediated by the fact that it will be time limited - two or three months at the most - after which we plan to move closer to family in Eugene or Austin! We have been talking about this since we met and will likely be taking a short trip in June to visit his family and check out Austin. At this point, Eugene is looking much more likely because he really liked it there and my family has the athletic club business where he could work part-time, to supplement his retirement income. But I'm open to falling in love with Austin and switching gears if both of us feel that way and see a positive future there. As a side note, I have applied for a job at the university in Eugene, which could definitely be a factor, as well.
Spending some time on the Central Coast also has perks in that I have a couple of friends to spend time with down there from when I lived in the area (where we met), and it really does have some beautiful hikes and state parks, some along the ocean. His friend has a winery, as well, which might be a benefit and a fun place to visit.
I guess overall it makes sense, but it's a huge pain in the immediate time frame of May when I will be packing up! He's coming down to help in a couple of weeks. I'm going to get a pod so that we don't have to unload the stuff into storage and can just move it up the coast to Oregon, if that's where we decide to settle, or to Austin if the ship turns in that direction.
Of course, my priority remains having a child through the California ivf donor egg program, and a big reason to save money is so that we can go forward with that in late July or August. It makes sense that we stay in California through August so that we can drive to complete the treatments there, versus having to fly. In the meanwhile, I have started working out and taking supplements and will continue to work towards being as healthy as possible before the transfer. Our next steps are my getting all the fertility tests done again, and he doing some tests then going through sperm extraction and freezing, probably at the end of June or beginning of July.
How's that for some big changes?
I've been spending some time this weekend planning and thinking through action steps to prepare for moving in with RC at the end of May. We came up with this new plan after he had a mini-breakdown thinking of moving up here right now. He has lived in his place much longer than I have and will be getting rid of lots of stuff in the move. Also, he has a strong support system down there, and he just started an intensive 12-week online program to become a fitness trainer.
As we talked through it more fully, it does make sense that I put my stuff in storage and move down there. I have no work up here - he can work some part-time concert event hours down there at a winery - and I can get unemployment wherever I am located. Also, I am seeing it as an opportunity to really focus on creating my online introvert/professional career transition program.
The negatives include: his place is not very nice, as I mentioned earlier; I have pack up all my stuff again after doing that just a year ago; and we will be living on the Central Coast in a location that is less desirable than my current neighborhood.
I think the positives outweigh the negatives, though, and include: saving money through paying less rent and his additional income; simplifying my life so I can really focus on creating this online program; he and I spending quality time together this summer in-between both of us focusing on completing online programs - he from the student side and me from the counseling/coaching side; and giving him more time to sort through his stuff and decide what to get rid of, keep, or store.
The negatives are mediated by the fact that it will be time limited - two or three months at the most - after which we plan to move closer to family in Eugene or Austin! We have been talking about this since we met and will likely be taking a short trip in June to visit his family and check out Austin. At this point, Eugene is looking much more likely because he really liked it there and my family has the athletic club business where he could work part-time, to supplement his retirement income. But I'm open to falling in love with Austin and switching gears if both of us feel that way and see a positive future there. As a side note, I have applied for a job at the university in Eugene, which could definitely be a factor, as well.
Spending some time on the Central Coast also has perks in that I have a couple of friends to spend time with down there from when I lived in the area (where we met), and it really does have some beautiful hikes and state parks, some along the ocean. His friend has a winery, as well, which might be a benefit and a fun place to visit.
I guess overall it makes sense, but it's a huge pain in the immediate time frame of May when I will be packing up! He's coming down to help in a couple of weeks. I'm going to get a pod so that we don't have to unload the stuff into storage and can just move it up the coast to Oregon, if that's where we decide to settle, or to Austin if the ship turns in that direction.
Of course, my priority remains having a child through the California ivf donor egg program, and a big reason to save money is so that we can go forward with that in late July or August. It makes sense that we stay in California through August so that we can drive to complete the treatments there, versus having to fly. In the meanwhile, I have started working out and taking supplements and will continue to work towards being as healthy as possible before the transfer. Our next steps are my getting all the fertility tests done again, and he doing some tests then going through sperm extraction and freezing, probably at the end of June or beginning of July.
4/07/2018
A Fertile Spring
Amazing to look at the calendar and see April 7th! RC left last Monday after a two-week stay. It's weird how our time together seems to go through different "phases.". I guess we haven't settled into a routine or consistent pattern. For example, the first part of the trip was about co-housing and exploring a local co-housing community and open house. We talked a lot about how we would like to live in an intentional community like that for the benefits of community meals and events, resource sharing, and a child growing up in a loving extended family-type environment.
The second phase was getting matching tattoos from a well-known local tattoo place. I will add a picture to this post later, but I'm happy with how they turned out. Lots of pain, however. Yes, you do feel like a badass and yes, you do get an endorphin rush that is very interesting and relieving when it finally kicks in. Getting these tattoos brought home the level of commitment we are making.
After the tattoos, I experienced what I might call a minor emotional backlash, in which I felt questioning and at times judgmental towards RC and the ways that we are different. We continued our reading in a spiritual relationship book, which opened up sadness about this backlash and it's impact on our relationship. I talked about my worry a little bit; that it's come up when I don't feel he's tuning in or really listening to me, especially with regard to ideas or intellectual thoughts, and that I was afraid we may not be as compatible on that level as I would like.
In this conversation, I learned more about him and his engineering background, and I felt reassurance that he cared and wanted to listen to me in a way that met my needs to matter and feel like he was interested in my thoughts. I recognized that my distancing through judgment is toxic and gets in the way of experiencing the love and joy that both of us want to feel. I'm trying to remember that and make adjustments when I slip into this pattern that started long before him.
In the next phase, we drove to Sacramento for a Cal IVF consultation, which was VERY exciting to both of us, to say the least. We talked there and back about it in the car, then went out for drinks and food and talked some more. I researched information on questions that came up, including supplements and other strategies to support implantation, as well as donor IVF statistics, etc.
The first step is for RC to go through a sperm extraction process, which a specialist does at the center. We weren't sure how reliable or successful this process would be, but he was beyond encouraging, giving 96% odds of healthy, usable sperm samples. We could then choose an egg donor, looking at pictures and background information, that hopefully resembles me. They require ICSI with the IVF procedure. If it doesn't work, then statistically we should have frozen embryos for a second try. RC looked up financial information and said he could borrow from his retirement account to cover costs.
But...later on, he had a lot of anxiety come up around adding to his debt load right now. He would have to pay back the money on his retirement account, apparently, and it would add a substantial monthly payment to current expenses. The last couple of nights he didn't sleep very well because he was anxious about this, but either he wasn't fully aware of why he was anxious or he wasn't able to tell me for some reason. In any case, it created a little tension in the last couple days before he left.
After he got home, he reflected and wrote about it, becoming more clear about his feelings so he could share them with me. Right now, he is doing some work on his budget/spending plan, and we are both talking about how we can afford the extra payments. The way I'm seeing it now (and hoping and praying for) is that we could move forward in August or September. In the meanwhile, we can work on getting more healthy, eating well, doing required fertility testing and choosing a donor. Financial changes coming down the pike include:
Regarding the adoption plan, we have been feeling torn. My agency has said they do not want clients pursuing fertility treatments at the same time as trying to adopt. Our energy and excitement right now is towards the donor IVF option. So, I think right now, we will likely focus on that, but I am worried about stepping back from that route after all the effort I've put towards it. I think it's probably the right thing to do, though...
Overall, however, many developments to happily anticipate. I'm so glad Spring is slowly slipping into view. Flowers blooming and smelling heavenly, temperature creeping up. It seems timely, as our energy and excitement are rising, as well.
The second phase was getting matching tattoos from a well-known local tattoo place. I will add a picture to this post later, but I'm happy with how they turned out. Lots of pain, however. Yes, you do feel like a badass and yes, you do get an endorphin rush that is very interesting and relieving when it finally kicks in. Getting these tattoos brought home the level of commitment we are making.
After the tattoos, I experienced what I might call a minor emotional backlash, in which I felt questioning and at times judgmental towards RC and the ways that we are different. We continued our reading in a spiritual relationship book, which opened up sadness about this backlash and it's impact on our relationship. I talked about my worry a little bit; that it's come up when I don't feel he's tuning in or really listening to me, especially with regard to ideas or intellectual thoughts, and that I was afraid we may not be as compatible on that level as I would like.
In this conversation, I learned more about him and his engineering background, and I felt reassurance that he cared and wanted to listen to me in a way that met my needs to matter and feel like he was interested in my thoughts. I recognized that my distancing through judgment is toxic and gets in the way of experiencing the love and joy that both of us want to feel. I'm trying to remember that and make adjustments when I slip into this pattern that started long before him.
In the next phase, we drove to Sacramento for a Cal IVF consultation, which was VERY exciting to both of us, to say the least. We talked there and back about it in the car, then went out for drinks and food and talked some more. I researched information on questions that came up, including supplements and other strategies to support implantation, as well as donor IVF statistics, etc.
The first step is for RC to go through a sperm extraction process, which a specialist does at the center. We weren't sure how reliable or successful this process would be, but he was beyond encouraging, giving 96% odds of healthy, usable sperm samples. We could then choose an egg donor, looking at pictures and background information, that hopefully resembles me. They require ICSI with the IVF procedure. If it doesn't work, then statistically we should have frozen embryos for a second try. RC looked up financial information and said he could borrow from his retirement account to cover costs.
But...later on, he had a lot of anxiety come up around adding to his debt load right now. He would have to pay back the money on his retirement account, apparently, and it would add a substantial monthly payment to current expenses. The last couple of nights he didn't sleep very well because he was anxious about this, but either he wasn't fully aware of why he was anxious or he wasn't able to tell me for some reason. In any case, it created a little tension in the last couple days before he left.
After he got home, he reflected and wrote about it, becoming more clear about his feelings so he could share them with me. Right now, he is doing some work on his budget/spending plan, and we are both talking about how we can afford the extra payments. The way I'm seeing it now (and hoping and praying for) is that we could move forward in August or September. In the meanwhile, we can work on getting more healthy, eating well, doing required fertility testing and choosing a donor. Financial changes coming down the pike include:
- He is currently completing a three-month fitness-trainer certification program, which guarantees employment and will add to our income.
- Although I am not working at the college this summer, I will receive unemployment, then start teaching my three classes (an increase in the income I have been receiving) in mid-August.
- As soon as school ends next month, I will begin attending the local BNI business networking chapter to increase local contacts and client referrals. By this Tuesday, I also plan to publish a newsletter and schedule a new local Meetup event, also in hopes of connecting with new clients. The two clients who just finished their sessions with me have also said they may want additional help in a month.
- Lastly, when RC moves here on May 19th, he will start paying half the rent, which will open up more money in my budget to cover the IVF loan payment (first to cover my budget shortage on unemployment, then to cover the payment).
Regarding the adoption plan, we have been feeling torn. My agency has said they do not want clients pursuing fertility treatments at the same time as trying to adopt. Our energy and excitement right now is towards the donor IVF option. So, I think right now, we will likely focus on that, but I am worried about stepping back from that route after all the effort I've put towards it. I think it's probably the right thing to do, though...
Overall, however, many developments to happily anticipate. I'm so glad Spring is slowly slipping into view. Flowers blooming and smelling heavenly, temperature creeping up. It seems timely, as our energy and excitement are rising, as well.
3/10/2018
Emotional and "Real World" Progress
Life keeps rolling along... relationships take focus and energy; I find myself with less blogging motivation. But I still appreciate having a space to process and record the journey, so here I am again.
I started seeing a cognitive behavioral counselor yesterday for help working through intimacy and commitment fears, which I recently identified as a specific phobia and OCD, without the compulsions. Somehow, it's helpful to have a label for these fears and anxieties that arise in the context of intimate relationship, often in the form of judgments. It's already led to some helpful insights and reframing.
One of the underlying fears is that if I commit to something that is not "perfection," then I will lose the opportunity to be "un-abandoned" and have ideal, completely safe unconditional love and merging with someone. I will also become dependent on one person to meet all my needs. There is a sense I will be "trapped."
Obviously, these thoughts and fears are not rational and have as one main source my mother dying when I was four-years-old (and never really bonding with my step-mother). I think there are other layers, sources, and faulty beliefs acquired over the years, as well.
My relationship with RC has continued to grow. We connect emotionally, spiritually, romantically, and sexually. Also mentally, but a little less than I hope it grows into, as he engages more with an external passion or interest. Though we are physically affectionate and regularly sexual, I would like more fire from him, in terms of feeling his intense desire for me. I realized this dynamic of someone wanting me helps spark my own passion. He says he is strongly attracted to me and hasn't really felt this type of unbridled intense physical passion with someone before, that he can remember. So, it's something he's asking himself about - how can he feel open to losing some control in that way?
Overall, I feel excited and happy, hopeful about our future. We are having some spontaneous and relaxed, playful phone calls, which I am enjoying. I can be my quirky, silly self with him and feel comfortable. I can get frustrated or have strong feelings with him and feel comfortable. He is starting to show me edges I haven't seen before, which, while sometimes uncomfortable, I really appreciate.
So, we are moving forward both emotionally and in the "real world," as he is planning to move up here with me in May. This will only be about seven months into our romantic relationship, but considering our past friendship of several years, during which we spent a lot of time together, I think we are at a different place than many couples would be. I am tired of trying to maintain our intimacy over long distance between times we are together. I'm also really looking forward to having a life companion and someone who is "with" me in the journey of adopting or having a child. Combining finances and splitting rent will certainly not hurt my security and stability either.
He's coming up here for a couple of weeks over Spring Break, starting next weekend, during which we plan to get matching tattoos (!). Not the elaborate one we've talked about, but a simple celtic-style one of a combined heart and infinity sign. I'm excited to spend more time with him and learning more about each other and getting comfortable living with one another. So glad that my procedure is behind me and we won't have that stress and annoyance hanging over us!
I started seeing a cognitive behavioral counselor yesterday for help working through intimacy and commitment fears, which I recently identified as a specific phobia and OCD, without the compulsions. Somehow, it's helpful to have a label for these fears and anxieties that arise in the context of intimate relationship, often in the form of judgments. It's already led to some helpful insights and reframing.
One of the underlying fears is that if I commit to something that is not "perfection," then I will lose the opportunity to be "un-abandoned" and have ideal, completely safe unconditional love and merging with someone. I will also become dependent on one person to meet all my needs. There is a sense I will be "trapped."
Obviously, these thoughts and fears are not rational and have as one main source my mother dying when I was four-years-old (and never really bonding with my step-mother). I think there are other layers, sources, and faulty beliefs acquired over the years, as well.
My relationship with RC has continued to grow. We connect emotionally, spiritually, romantically, and sexually. Also mentally, but a little less than I hope it grows into, as he engages more with an external passion or interest. Though we are physically affectionate and regularly sexual, I would like more fire from him, in terms of feeling his intense desire for me. I realized this dynamic of someone wanting me helps spark my own passion. He says he is strongly attracted to me and hasn't really felt this type of unbridled intense physical passion with someone before, that he can remember. So, it's something he's asking himself about - how can he feel open to losing some control in that way?
Overall, I feel excited and happy, hopeful about our future. We are having some spontaneous and relaxed, playful phone calls, which I am enjoying. I can be my quirky, silly self with him and feel comfortable. I can get frustrated or have strong feelings with him and feel comfortable. He is starting to show me edges I haven't seen before, which, while sometimes uncomfortable, I really appreciate.
So, we are moving forward both emotionally and in the "real world," as he is planning to move up here with me in May. This will only be about seven months into our romantic relationship, but considering our past friendship of several years, during which we spent a lot of time together, I think we are at a different place than many couples would be. I am tired of trying to maintain our intimacy over long distance between times we are together. I'm also really looking forward to having a life companion and someone who is "with" me in the journey of adopting or having a child. Combining finances and splitting rent will certainly not hurt my security and stability either.
He's coming up here for a couple of weeks over Spring Break, starting next weekend, during which we plan to get matching tattoos (!). Not the elaborate one we've talked about, but a simple celtic-style one of a combined heart and infinity sign. I'm excited to spend more time with him and learning more about each other and getting comfortable living with one another. So glad that my procedure is behind me and we won't have that stress and annoyance hanging over us!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)