Crisis of Meaning

Sorry for not posting or commenting very regularly right now... I think it's a combination of my life shifting to a much faster track with a puppy on board (pictures and video to follow below), as well as taking a step back to sit with - and I'm aware of how dramatic this sounds - a "crisis of meaning."

Since at this point, it's looking like I may never become a biological mother, what will take it's place with regard to my life's purpose and direction?

Off and on for the last several years, I have focused on trying to conceive in various ways: known donor, co-par.enting, IUIs, natural way within a relationship, and medicated IUIs.  And when I wasn't trying to conceive, in the back of my mind, I knew I would return to trying at some point.  I don't have that confidence now.

I don't know why out of six IUI attempts, non-medicated and medicated, and at least 8 months of trying naturally, I haven't become pregnant.   Other than, for whatever reason, I just can't.  Either my eggs are too old (most likely I guess), or my uterus is unfriendly for some reason as yet undetected.

Yes, if I had $15,000 right now, I would try IVF.  But that is currently out of my affordability range.  I may still try to get a loan, but I think that would likely allow a couple more medicated IUIs versus IVF.  Maybe, just maybe, international IVF.

I wish someone could tell me with certainty whether I have enough good eggs in there to warrant trying more in this way.  In any case, I'm not feeling super motivated to try and make that happen right now.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of getting my hopes up every try, just to get no results at all.   I'm tired of trying to scrape together the financing piece and living with the stress of not having as much money or financial cushion as I need.

And.  There's one other new consideration.  Some of you may laugh, but having a puppy has given me a taste of single motherhood.  And it IS hard.  At least for me.

I read some SMC blogs, and these women are rocking single motherhood and don't seem to be all that stressed.  I am definitely getting in more of a groove with Zoey, but damn, she requires a LOT of care and constant supervision, not to mention always thinking of her with every plan I make.

She needs to be let out for bathroom breaks and exercise and food.  I can't just go out for a few hours in the evening or drive off to work for the day.  Care has got to be arranged, or I need to schedule myself accordingly.  She needs vet care and baths.  I am even obsessed with the health of her poop!  lol

I'm not complaining.  I think getting Zoey was the perfect decision for me right now, and I get so much joy and love from playing and cuddling with her.  We're having fun learning new tricks, like sit, down, leave it, settle, etc.  And she is giving my life purpose and direction, that's for sure (though not equal to the meaning of motherhood of course).

But it makes me imagine taking that care to the next level for a baby and doing it all alone.  It's a little overwhelming to think about.  I do think it's "training" me in a way, and I would be better prepared going into caring for a baby.  But boy does it sound more manageable with a partner or substantial help.

So, there's that.  I don't have a settled clarity yet, but it's all rambling around in my psyche and spirit right now.  We'll see where the pieces land...

With that, I leave you with some pics and a video of my little girl, Zoey (the video I took on my iPhone is not uploading - any advice?):

Here's Zoey chilling out on a hot day in her luxury swimming pool. :)

Zoey had a sun toy from the vets that she thrashed around, chased and chewed.  The sun has now "passed on" in torn-up glory, and she has an orange bear made of similar material.  We'll see how long Mr. Bear lasts... this could get expensive.