I wanted to write an update on our donor egg IVF cycle, which officially started with medication two days ago (!).
Once we paid the (huge) fee for the procedure, we started getting excited and having many conversations about whether we wanted to transfer one or two embryos. The percentage of success with one embryo is 70% and with two, 80%. Apparently, to most people, 10% seems negligible, but that does not reflect my feelings. Maybe it's my teaching background - the difference between a C and a B - or maybe it's the psychological impact that 8 out of 10 or 80% has on my brain (I want those odds!), but it seems fairly significant to me.
But a 50% chance of twins if we transfer two? Those are significant odds, as well. We are open to twins and would much prefer them to a failed cycle, but we would definitely rather have one than two. Of course, two would be much harder on my (older mom) body and there are increased chances of preeclampsia and pre-term birth, moreso the latter I think.
We also think, however, about using donor egg and how this might increase the desire and benefit for a child to have a sibling. RC was a twin and has positive feelings about that. Twins could be lots of fun, right?! But also expensive and lots - and lots and lots - of work! So, we are continuing to reflect on this and feel into whether at some level we want or would be happy about having twins, which I feel would be a necessary precursor to transferring two.
In terms of concrete actions, I started Lupron day before yesterday. I've administered Lupron subcutaneously to myself before, so it is not too daunting and, strangely, a little bit fun. I just love the feeling of moving forward and each injection contributing to the success of this cycle. Today was my last BCP, so that feels momentous, as well. Hopefully, it's the last pack of pills for the next nine months and maybe ever!
Forthcoming exciting action steps include starting my Estradiol patches on the 14th, then going to Cal IVF for my lining check appointment on the 28th. We know the area a little better now, so rather than booking a hotel close to downtown and some very sketchy areas, we booked a Marriott within walking distance of the clinic. I love staying in (decent) hotels, it's like a fun introvert slumber party for me. They serve warm breakfast in the morning, too - yum.
If all goes well, the donor will donate the eggs on September 2nd, and somewhere around this time, I start dreaded progesterone injections. I have gotten a few helpful tips from friends; if you have any advice on how to make it less intimidating or painful, I would love to hear them. Then, the embryo(s) will be transferred to my uterus around the 7th. I'm so excited. :) Please send us good thoughts!
8/09/2018
7/18/2018
Another Round of Fertility Procedures (eek!)
This post will be about wrapping up a loose end, than talk about fertility procedures and upcoming appointments...
So, first of all, something has been on my mind for a long time and I want to put it out there, even though I feel nervous and awkward about it. I feel I owe it to my supporters.
A couple of years ago, when I was really excited about a donor embryo program (which happens to be under the umbrella of the same organization where RC and I are currently getting treatments), I launched a fundraising campaign to raise money to make up the difference between the loan for which I qualified and the cost of the program. Despite the generosity of many online friends, and although I raised a respectable amount, I was not able to raise the amount needed to move forward. And then time passed, and through no action on my part, I no longer qualified for the secured loan. Then, I decided to pursue adoption again. Then, I got a job in another county. Then, I moved. Then I met RC, etc. Life kept rolling on, and I didn't have the presence of mind to stop and acknowledge that I never moved forward with the donor embryo program for which I had raised money.
Sooo, I want to acknowledge that now, and once again thank all the kind, generous people who donated to my campaign and supported me in my dream. I appreciate you so much. Those monies were used up in initial testing procedures, the efforts towards adoption and qualifying for my home study, buying items for the nursery, and in the moving transition. But I did not cross the finish line and they did not go towards the bulk of the program cost. Now that RC and I are moving forward again with fertility procedures, I feel that all the support people gave me along the way have brought me to this point, and I'm extremely grateful. I also feel I should offer to give donations back if anyone is uncomfortable with the money not being used directly for the program I was pursuing at that time.
Will you please write me individually if you feel this way, and I will make an effort to return your donation? Thank you, and thank you very much to everyone for the support you've given me on this very long journey.
With regard to the donor egg IVF program RC and I are currently pursuing, we have the first round of treatments coming up next week! He is having a sperm extraction procedure - I can't spell the name of it at this moment - which is making him feel pretty nervous. From what the doctor told us, we are confident we will end up with more than enough healthy sperm to move forward with the donor egg IVF at the end of August or beginning of September.
When we go in next week for his procedure, I will also get another saline sonogram, since too much time has passed since my last one. Since I had polyps removed in February, I'm hopeful my uterus will look good, fingers crossed. Then, at the beginning of August, our chosen donor will start her medication protocol in preparation for extracting eggs for both us and another couple who is sharing the donation with us. I will also start a medication protocol (mainly estrogen and progesterone I think?) at some point. So that's the plan so far.
I have had some interesting concerns and questions come up around using a donor egg that I didn't necessarily expect. In part, I think it's different using a donor egg and my partner's sperm versus a donor embryo, which to me felt like adoption, but having more control and early connection. In this case, RC WILL have a genetic connection to the child and I will not, which feels unfair in a way. I'm feeling some sadness again about not having the chance to look for my own features in my child and compare similarities with RC.
But then I think about being pregnant and holding MY baby, my child, and the excitement far outweighs the sadness or concern. We were fortunate to be able to choose the donor from their database... our first two choices were not available, but our third choice was, and now I feel like it was the right choice for us. She has a childhood picture in her profile that looks a little like me as a child, she's short and muscular like me, she has short grandmothers like me, she's introverted, smart, kind, and plans to study neuropsychiatry. She has English and Irish heritage, like me, and Scottish like RC, but also has a little Greek and Cherokee, which I've been wrapping my mind around. I'm at the point now where I think that's pretty cool and look forward to exploring that with the child down the road.
I'll probably write more on this later but want to get this post published for now. This is getting really real, and it's giving me butterflies even as I type this!
So, first of all, something has been on my mind for a long time and I want to put it out there, even though I feel nervous and awkward about it. I feel I owe it to my supporters.
A couple of years ago, when I was really excited about a donor embryo program (which happens to be under the umbrella of the same organization where RC and I are currently getting treatments), I launched a fundraising campaign to raise money to make up the difference between the loan for which I qualified and the cost of the program. Despite the generosity of many online friends, and although I raised a respectable amount, I was not able to raise the amount needed to move forward. And then time passed, and through no action on my part, I no longer qualified for the secured loan. Then, I decided to pursue adoption again. Then, I got a job in another county. Then, I moved. Then I met RC, etc. Life kept rolling on, and I didn't have the presence of mind to stop and acknowledge that I never moved forward with the donor embryo program for which I had raised money.
Sooo, I want to acknowledge that now, and once again thank all the kind, generous people who donated to my campaign and supported me in my dream. I appreciate you so much. Those monies were used up in initial testing procedures, the efforts towards adoption and qualifying for my home study, buying items for the nursery, and in the moving transition. But I did not cross the finish line and they did not go towards the bulk of the program cost. Now that RC and I are moving forward again with fertility procedures, I feel that all the support people gave me along the way have brought me to this point, and I'm extremely grateful. I also feel I should offer to give donations back if anyone is uncomfortable with the money not being used directly for the program I was pursuing at that time.
Will you please write me individually if you feel this way, and I will make an effort to return your donation? Thank you, and thank you very much to everyone for the support you've given me on this very long journey.
With regard to the donor egg IVF program RC and I are currently pursuing, we have the first round of treatments coming up next week! He is having a sperm extraction procedure - I can't spell the name of it at this moment - which is making him feel pretty nervous. From what the doctor told us, we are confident we will end up with more than enough healthy sperm to move forward with the donor egg IVF at the end of August or beginning of September.
When we go in next week for his procedure, I will also get another saline sonogram, since too much time has passed since my last one. Since I had polyps removed in February, I'm hopeful my uterus will look good, fingers crossed. Then, at the beginning of August, our chosen donor will start her medication protocol in preparation for extracting eggs for both us and another couple who is sharing the donation with us. I will also start a medication protocol (mainly estrogen and progesterone I think?) at some point. So that's the plan so far.
I have had some interesting concerns and questions come up around using a donor egg that I didn't necessarily expect. In part, I think it's different using a donor egg and my partner's sperm versus a donor embryo, which to me felt like adoption, but having more control and early connection. In this case, RC WILL have a genetic connection to the child and I will not, which feels unfair in a way. I'm feeling some sadness again about not having the chance to look for my own features in my child and compare similarities with RC.
But then I think about being pregnant and holding MY baby, my child, and the excitement far outweighs the sadness or concern. We were fortunate to be able to choose the donor from their database... our first two choices were not available, but our third choice was, and now I feel like it was the right choice for us. She has a childhood picture in her profile that looks a little like me as a child, she's short and muscular like me, she has short grandmothers like me, she's introverted, smart, kind, and plans to study neuropsychiatry. She has English and Irish heritage, like me, and Scottish like RC, but also has a little Greek and Cherokee, which I've been wrapping my mind around. I'm at the point now where I think that's pretty cool and look forward to exploring that with the child down the road.
I'll probably write more on this later but want to get this post published for now. This is getting really real, and it's giving me butterflies even as I type this!
7/12/2018
Tahoe 2018
We returned from Tahoe last Sunday. As usual with my family on vacation, there was a lot of alcohol, so we became a little weary of that, but overall, it was a fun, bonding time. We went out on the boat twice, ate some delicious grilled hamburgers and smoked ribs for the Fourth, played a lot on and around our dock, and had a rockin' dance party with the kids. A few other specific highlights I want to remember:
- Making pie filling and decorating for Fourth of July with my oldest niece J. She is 10 now and tends to be very independent, so it was nice to have some time with her.
- Getting up early and kayaking one morning with RC. The water was fairly smooth, the air was cool, and the view of the lake and mountains was expansive. I love kayaking because it brings you down onto the surface of the lake, and it's really fun and easy to paddle and move through the water.
- My sister and brother-in-law brought these huge inflatable lake toys: a big, pink flamingo, which J enjoyed paddling around, and a huge, several-person raft-type inflatable with an area to lie on adjacent to a circular seating area with room for several people and round open area in the middle so your feet could dangle in the water. We tied the big inflatable to the dock and had several dock chairs, as well, so we had a great place to hang out. The kids (and adults) loved jumping off the end of the dock when they got hot or needed some excitement.
- Chatting to my nephew, E, since he tended to be up earlier than anyone else and would hang out and eat breakfast while R and I made coffee.
- Seeing the changes in my littlest niece, D, and what a happy, engaged, and adventurous little girl she is becoming. Loved holding her hand and playing with her in the sand on the hotel beach where we went to visit my sisters friends one day.
- Sipping bloody mary's and watching a world cup game at a nearby resort with my sister and her family. They got us into it, and we are looking forward to watching the finals this weekend.
- RC and I being a team and getting along throughout the trip. He supported me at one point when I had some family "less than" stuff come up, was great with the kids, and generally fit in great with my family. At one point my sister asked me about marriage (which we've talked about a little lately!) and looking at me in a meaningful way, communicating her approval. Very cool and moving to me.
6/29/2018
Holiday Trip! And sleep struggles...
First, some fabulous news: I got a new (used) MacBook!! I didn't realize how much I missed having a laptop computer until I didn't have one for a month, when I had to return the other one to my school. It's my precious and I love it. lol
In other good news, we leave for Tahoe early Tuesday morning. I'm starting to look forward to it. We have our meals and snacks mapped out and are going shopping on Monday. It's a longer drive from here - about six hours - but it will be worth it. Looking forward to seeing my nieces and nephew, playing on the water, and going out on our dock and out on the boat. We usually go out on the boat at least a couple of times and anchor it in a nice spot so we can go swimming, listen to music, eat lunch, etc. Really looking forward to kayaking this year, too, with both my oldest niece and with RC. We will watch the fireworks off the dock again, which is always fun. Hopefully we can get the radio station tuned to the right channel from the get-go this time and not be scrambling. Fireworks are definitely enhanced with the choreographed music.
In relation to this holiday, I want to mention that I am aware that our government is currently engaging in acts and creating policies that I am very much against. I don't associate Fourth of July with all that; I think of it as an opportunity to gather with family. But I am talking to friends, signing petitions and looking for ways to take further action to express my deep disapproval. I'm also starting to look forward to Michael Moore's movie about our current president...
I also wanted to bring up a topic and hope to hear feedback from some of you who are currently in relationships or have dealt with this in the past. So RC and I have been navigating blending our lives and daily routines. I have mentioned my frustrations with not currently having much going on in terms of my own activities. I'm noticing how much I need to feel a sense of purpose and meaning in my life or I start to get depressed or sometimes feel a lot of anxiety. I have taken this out on RC at times, which isn't really fair, but we are talking about it and working through it together. Additionally, he sometimes gets attached to his routines, so he is looking at that and trying to be a little more flexible. This comes up around cooking and eating, but especially around sleep patterns, as sleep is something he seems to have struggled with ever since we started dating and beforehand, as well.
Yesterday, I got mad because it seemed like he was blaming me or our relationship for his getting less sleep, when, in fact, I know it's been a constant issue for him from long before I came along. I think my anger really stemmed from the fact that I have adjusted my own sleep and tv-watching patterns quite a lot to meet his needs around bedtime and sleep (in general, I'm watching way less tv, which is good, but has also been a source of relaxation for me). I am usually a night owl, going to bed around 11:30pm or midnight. Now, we start getting ready for bed at 10:30 or 10:45 and are in bed or asleep by 11. I usually ask him about his sleep and sympathize with his struggles, as well. So when he sounds critical of me or like he's blaming me at some level, it hurts my feelings and frustrates me.
Have you gone through the process of integrating different sleep patterns in a relationship? How did you do it, or what did you find helpful?
In other good news, we leave for Tahoe early Tuesday morning. I'm starting to look forward to it. We have our meals and snacks mapped out and are going shopping on Monday. It's a longer drive from here - about six hours - but it will be worth it. Looking forward to seeing my nieces and nephew, playing on the water, and going out on our dock and out on the boat. We usually go out on the boat at least a couple of times and anchor it in a nice spot so we can go swimming, listen to music, eat lunch, etc. Really looking forward to kayaking this year, too, with both my oldest niece and with RC. We will watch the fireworks off the dock again, which is always fun. Hopefully we can get the radio station tuned to the right channel from the get-go this time and not be scrambling. Fireworks are definitely enhanced with the choreographed music.
In relation to this holiday, I want to mention that I am aware that our government is currently engaging in acts and creating policies that I am very much against. I don't associate Fourth of July with all that; I think of it as an opportunity to gather with family. But I am talking to friends, signing petitions and looking for ways to take further action to express my deep disapproval. I'm also starting to look forward to Michael Moore's movie about our current president...
I also wanted to bring up a topic and hope to hear feedback from some of you who are currently in relationships or have dealt with this in the past. So RC and I have been navigating blending our lives and daily routines. I have mentioned my frustrations with not currently having much going on in terms of my own activities. I'm noticing how much I need to feel a sense of purpose and meaning in my life or I start to get depressed or sometimes feel a lot of anxiety. I have taken this out on RC at times, which isn't really fair, but we are talking about it and working through it together. Additionally, he sometimes gets attached to his routines, so he is looking at that and trying to be a little more flexible. This comes up around cooking and eating, but especially around sleep patterns, as sleep is something he seems to have struggled with ever since we started dating and beforehand, as well.
Yesterday, I got mad because it seemed like he was blaming me or our relationship for his getting less sleep, when, in fact, I know it's been a constant issue for him from long before I came along. I think my anger really stemmed from the fact that I have adjusted my own sleep and tv-watching patterns quite a lot to meet his needs around bedtime and sleep (in general, I'm watching way less tv, which is good, but has also been a source of relaxation for me). I am usually a night owl, going to bed around 11:30pm or midnight. Now, we start getting ready for bed at 10:30 or 10:45 and are in bed or asleep by 11. I usually ask him about his sleep and sympathize with his struggles, as well. So when he sounds critical of me or like he's blaming me at some level, it hurts my feelings and frustrates me.
Have you gone through the process of integrating different sleep patterns in a relationship? How did you do it, or what did you find helpful?
6/20/2018
Looking forward
Well, I guess I would say things have improved though I continue to feel a little stuck around creating a routine and daily flow that works for me. I think that comes with having a life of my own, which I don't have here after three weeks. RC has mostly come out of his funk, for which I'm grateful.
I'm looking forward to two upcoming trips. The first one is the family trip to Tahoe over the Fourth of July. We're just going for three days, but I'm excited to see everyone and play in the lake, boating and kayaking and swimming, etc.
The second trip is the one RC and I are taking for the first round of treatments at Cal IVF. It turns out the trip is just a little over four hours, but RC has to be there for the sperm extraction surgery at 8:30am so we're going over the night before. While he's in surgery, I'm going to get the required saline sonogram, so I get to have some fun too. lol Even though they are uncomfortable medical procedures, I'm really excited to move forward on our fertility plans!
Oh and I did hear back from the university, and I did not advance. Boo. I'm continuing to search and apply. Yesterday, RC and I made a list of fun and interesting activities we want to do this summer, so I hope we can start getting out and playing more. He does have an interview tomorrow for a weekend job in a local wine tasting room. Fingers crossed for some badly needed savings income. A friend also contacted me out of the blue for career counseling support. I love it when work comes in without even trying.
I'm looking forward to two upcoming trips. The first one is the family trip to Tahoe over the Fourth of July. We're just going for three days, but I'm excited to see everyone and play in the lake, boating and kayaking and swimming, etc.
The second trip is the one RC and I are taking for the first round of treatments at Cal IVF. It turns out the trip is just a little over four hours, but RC has to be there for the sperm extraction surgery at 8:30am so we're going over the night before. While he's in surgery, I'm going to get the required saline sonogram, so I get to have some fun too. lol Even though they are uncomfortable medical procedures, I'm really excited to move forward on our fertility plans!
Oh and I did hear back from the university, and I did not advance. Boo. I'm continuing to search and apply. Yesterday, RC and I made a list of fun and interesting activities we want to do this summer, so I hope we can start getting out and playing more. He does have an interview tomorrow for a weekend job in a local wine tasting room. Fingers crossed for some badly needed savings income. A friend also contacted me out of the blue for career counseling support. I love it when work comes in without even trying.
6/12/2018
A Bumpy Time
I've arrived and gotten mostly settled in RC's place (I guess "our" place now) on the central coast.
Honestly, it's been a mixed bag so far. I don't regret it, but there are challenges. To begin with, Introverts living together 24/7 is a recipe for some frustration and irritability to come up at times. I have also found it hard to create my own focus and flow, and have realized I do not feel satisfied when I'm in his flow or routine. It seems like he's always puttering around cooking something, taking supplements, or trying to solve a technical issue with the computers. I'm trying to set some goals each day and develop my own routine.
He's also been waking up in a foul mood, lacking sleep the last few days, which sucks because I tend to wake up in a good mood and enjoy being playful. We've been talking about finances, which brings up stress, and this week he decided, and I agreed, that we should cancel our trip to Texas to see his family because we need to continue working on financial health, especially considering we want to move forward with fertility procedures later this summer. He's understandably sad and disappointed about that, and we've had several conversations about it. I feel helpless to make it better and his negative mood is starting to wear on me. How long should it take to grieve and move on from something like that? It's been a few days.
He's especially disappointed that now he won't get to spend Father's Day with his sons and grandkids, which he was envisioning as a healing experience after many years of getting little recognition on that day. I guess his sons are not great at holiday gifts and gestures. Anyway, I understand that but like I mentioned, his depressive state is wearing on me.
On a positive note, the animals have adjusted well and are more comfortable hanging out together and are even playing a little together in funny ways. It's nice having a cat in my life again. And RC and I have had some meaningful conversations and nice walks and meals together. We had a lovely afternoon last weekend doing a little wine tasting, then sitting on the patio listening to a great live singer, sipping wine, and eating charcuterie.
I still haven't heard back from the university in Oregon, which sucks. I'm still trying to remain hopeful. I kind of miss working, which is strange to say, but it does give a sense of purpose, and I enjoy meeting with students/clients.
Honestly, it's been a mixed bag so far. I don't regret it, but there are challenges. To begin with, Introverts living together 24/7 is a recipe for some frustration and irritability to come up at times. I have also found it hard to create my own focus and flow, and have realized I do not feel satisfied when I'm in his flow or routine. It seems like he's always puttering around cooking something, taking supplements, or trying to solve a technical issue with the computers. I'm trying to set some goals each day and develop my own routine.
He's also been waking up in a foul mood, lacking sleep the last few days, which sucks because I tend to wake up in a good mood and enjoy being playful. We've been talking about finances, which brings up stress, and this week he decided, and I agreed, that we should cancel our trip to Texas to see his family because we need to continue working on financial health, especially considering we want to move forward with fertility procedures later this summer. He's understandably sad and disappointed about that, and we've had several conversations about it. I feel helpless to make it better and his negative mood is starting to wear on me. How long should it take to grieve and move on from something like that? It's been a few days.
He's especially disappointed that now he won't get to spend Father's Day with his sons and grandkids, which he was envisioning as a healing experience after many years of getting little recognition on that day. I guess his sons are not great at holiday gifts and gestures. Anyway, I understand that but like I mentioned, his depressive state is wearing on me.
On a positive note, the animals have adjusted well and are more comfortable hanging out together and are even playing a little together in funny ways. It's nice having a cat in my life again. And RC and I have had some meaningful conversations and nice walks and meals together. We had a lovely afternoon last weekend doing a little wine tasting, then sitting on the patio listening to a great live singer, sipping wine, and eating charcuterie.
I still haven't heard back from the university in Oregon, which sucks. I'm still trying to remain hopeful. I kind of miss working, which is strange to say, but it does give a sense of purpose, and I enjoy meeting with students/clients.
5/27/2018
Saying Goodbyes
The next time I post, I will likely be with RC in Atascadero! This time is filled with significant endings, mainly in the last week and upcoming week, that I want to share...
All of our current final three candidates, like me, are reflective and thoughtful, are focused on a career in psychology, have a passion for music, writing, and/or the arts, and are active and athletic. The looks side of things was interesting... I wanted women who shared my family traits in terms of hair and eye color as much as possible, and we wanted to feel warmth or "drawn to" their pictures. One of the candidates doesn't meet the warmth factor to the level we would prefer, especially for RC, but she was attractive and everything else is great, so overall she seems like a good choice.
We had one bump in the road when we were told our top choice was no longer available, as she had just been chosen for her final (6th!) donation. It's disappointing but out of our control, so I choose to believe the donor we end up with is the one we were meant to have.
Our next steps are to have the couple's psychological consultation week after next and then RC will go for his sperm extraction procedure in July. At that time, I will also likely undergo another saline sonogram, as unfortunately the one I had before was too long ago.
Please send good thoughts for my move and settling in to RC's place for the summer. I'm praying it goes relatively smoothly!
- Spring semester at my school came to an end. It was a big push with a couple of my students to get their work completed to graduate. Also, we had online courses that were "self-paced" (translation: "nightmare!"), which had to be crammed to completion, as well. So I spent a lot of time herding cats, but graduation on Thursday was special and meaningful, and we got through the semester!
- Related to the end of the semester, I will be giving notice at the community college in the near future. I feel less sure of that, since I was given an abundance of classes to teach in the Fall and went through three interviews before I was offered this job. It's a great school, great area, and a tough one to leave. But having a partner and a family takes precedence, and if I can find employment with the university in Oregon, that will be even better. I applied for unemployment on Friday, based on receiving no summer assignment, and will give my notice as soon as that is established.
- After all the intensity of celebrations and goodbyes on Thursday and Friday, I had my last Chalice Circle group gathering at the UU church I've been attending in Petaluma. The theme was goodbyes and OMG y'all, I was so exhausted I was falling asleep in the initial round of sharing. It didn't help that everyone was sharing about the most impactful deaths in their life. Normally, I would be fine and in my empathic counseling mode, but I was not. up. for. it. that night. I apologized and luckily the next round was a little lighter. I'm glad I went for closure and hope to keep in touch with one or two of the women in the group. Through the course of our group meetings and discussions, I did realize that I am more God-focused, even more of a very progressive/liberal Christian, than the general culture of the UU church, so I will probably look for a Unity or other similar-type church wherever RC and I end up.
- Now, comes the last of this series of endings: leaving Petaluma and moving out of my house here. Everything has been in disarray since RC was here a week or two ago and we completed a first round of moving stuff into the pod. He arrives again tomorrow for the final push. We will have the guy who helped us last time come again on Wednesday to get everything else out. Then, left with only a blow-up bed and a few necessities, we will sleep a last night in this place and drive down to Atascadero Thursday morning, with Zoey of course. Zoey will be in for a big adjustment time learning to live with RC's cat, Calvin. Luckily they've spent time together already, so we won't be starting from ground zero. I'm a little sad to leave Petaluma, as I really enjoyed living here, especially being in walking distance to downtown and all it's restaurants, shops, and community events - not to mention wine tasting which I did for a last hurrah yesterday late afternoon/early evening. As far as this too-small, funky little townhouse, situated in a too-loud, messy complex? No sadness at leaving that in the rearview mirror.
All of our current final three candidates, like me, are reflective and thoughtful, are focused on a career in psychology, have a passion for music, writing, and/or the arts, and are active and athletic. The looks side of things was interesting... I wanted women who shared my family traits in terms of hair and eye color as much as possible, and we wanted to feel warmth or "drawn to" their pictures. One of the candidates doesn't meet the warmth factor to the level we would prefer, especially for RC, but she was attractive and everything else is great, so overall she seems like a good choice.
We had one bump in the road when we were told our top choice was no longer available, as she had just been chosen for her final (6th!) donation. It's disappointing but out of our control, so I choose to believe the donor we end up with is the one we were meant to have.
Our next steps are to have the couple's psychological consultation week after next and then RC will go for his sperm extraction procedure in July. At that time, I will also likely undergo another saline sonogram, as unfortunately the one I had before was too long ago.
Please send good thoughts for my move and settling in to RC's place for the summer. I'm praying it goes relatively smoothly!
5/20/2018
Over the Hump
It's been almost a month since I posted! I've been pretty occupied with gearing up for this move. The Variety Show I organized for the students went pretty well. We didn't have a huge turnout for the show, but I considered it a success that most of them did actually perform something and have that success and added confidence going forward. My program Director also posted the show on FB so it got out to more folks and was positive for the program.
RC has been here for the past week supporting me to prepare for moving lots of my stuff into the pod yesterday. We ended up hiring a guy from Craigslist to help us with labor, as there were a few things that he and couldn't have moved on our own. We are now on the other side, and I feel super relieved! My place has emptied out and now just has necessities to get through the next 10 or so days. RC is coming back in about a week, next Monday, for the final load-in, and then we head down the coast to his place. Crazy!
We have had some tension this week, because he had expectations of how the week would go with him being here - that it would mainly be about him physically moving stuff. But for me, and I tried to communicate this to him but not clearly enough, the initial task was providing moral support and provide energy/encouragement to get some challenging organizing/packing steps done. A big challenge was that I had to work last week, so he was at my house feeling frustrated during the day because he felt he couldn't move forward on that much.
But to me, it was hugely helpful to do certain things, like: move the boxes out from under the stairs so I could sort through them and repack some of them; buy more boxes and packing stuff at the store; repack a storage bin that had collapsed and take apart the crib and desk, etc. I had a little energy left when I got home to do a few things, but then I needed to rest and recharge for the next day of work. I knew tasks were moving forward in the way they needed to though, whereas he couldn't see it as much because it wasn't his stuff.
Anyway, we ended up talking it through Friday evening and Saturday morning I got a bunch of stuff done for when the moving guy came at 11:30. We had a wonderful walk around the lake that we like to do and a nice dinner where he actually broached the topic of marriage (!), so the week is ending well. I'm going to go make him breakfast before he has to drive back. Feeling a lot of gratitude and excitement about future possibilities. I also had a phone interview with that university in Eugene this week - more on that later!
RC has been here for the past week supporting me to prepare for moving lots of my stuff into the pod yesterday. We ended up hiring a guy from Craigslist to help us with labor, as there were a few things that he and couldn't have moved on our own. We are now on the other side, and I feel super relieved! My place has emptied out and now just has necessities to get through the next 10 or so days. RC is coming back in about a week, next Monday, for the final load-in, and then we head down the coast to his place. Crazy!
We have had some tension this week, because he had expectations of how the week would go with him being here - that it would mainly be about him physically moving stuff. But for me, and I tried to communicate this to him but not clearly enough, the initial task was providing moral support and provide energy/encouragement to get some challenging organizing/packing steps done. A big challenge was that I had to work last week, so he was at my house feeling frustrated during the day because he felt he couldn't move forward on that much.
But to me, it was hugely helpful to do certain things, like: move the boxes out from under the stairs so I could sort through them and repack some of them; buy more boxes and packing stuff at the store; repack a storage bin that had collapsed and take apart the crib and desk, etc. I had a little energy left when I got home to do a few things, but then I needed to rest and recharge for the next day of work. I knew tasks were moving forward in the way they needed to though, whereas he couldn't see it as much because it wasn't his stuff.
Anyway, we ended up talking it through Friday evening and Saturday morning I got a bunch of stuff done for when the moving guy came at 11:30. We had a wonderful walk around the lake that we like to do and a nice dinner where he actually broached the topic of marriage (!), so the week is ending well. I'm going to go make him breakfast before he has to drive back. Feeling a lot of gratitude and excitement about future possibilities. I also had a phone interview with that university in Eugene this week - more on that later!
4/22/2018
Big Changes
Sunday morning, April 22...beautiful day here in Northern California. Feeling grateful for the weekend and catching up on sleep after a hectic week, including a tech rehearsal for the Variety Show I'm producing for our program as drama club advisor, and the show is coming together, though I have felt like I am herding cats for much of the process. After next Thursday evening, the show will be complete, and I will have a lighter load.
I've been spending some time this weekend planning and thinking through action steps to prepare for moving in with RC at the end of May. We came up with this new plan after he had a mini-breakdown thinking of moving up here right now. He has lived in his place much longer than I have and will be getting rid of lots of stuff in the move. Also, he has a strong support system down there, and he just started an intensive 12-week online program to become a fitness trainer.
As we talked through it more fully, it does make sense that I put my stuff in storage and move down there. I have no work up here - he can work some part-time concert event hours down there at a winery - and I can get unemployment wherever I am located. Also, I am seeing it as an opportunity to really focus on creating my online introvert/professional career transition program.
The negatives include: his place is not very nice, as I mentioned earlier; I have pack up all my stuff again after doing that just a year ago; and we will be living on the Central Coast in a location that is less desirable than my current neighborhood.
I think the positives outweigh the negatives, though, and include: saving money through paying less rent and his additional income; simplifying my life so I can really focus on creating this online program; he and I spending quality time together this summer in-between both of us focusing on completing online programs - he from the student side and me from the counseling/coaching side; and giving him more time to sort through his stuff and decide what to get rid of, keep, or store.
The negatives are mediated by the fact that it will be time limited - two or three months at the most - after which we plan to move closer to family in Eugene or Austin! We have been talking about this since we met and will likely be taking a short trip in June to visit his family and check out Austin. At this point, Eugene is looking much more likely because he really liked it there and my family has the athletic club business where he could work part-time, to supplement his retirement income. But I'm open to falling in love with Austin and switching gears if both of us feel that way and see a positive future there. As a side note, I have applied for a job at the university in Eugene, which could definitely be a factor, as well.
Spending some time on the Central Coast also has perks in that I have a couple of friends to spend time with down there from when I lived in the area (where we met), and it really does have some beautiful hikes and state parks, some along the ocean. His friend has a winery, as well, which might be a benefit and a fun place to visit.
I guess overall it makes sense, but it's a huge pain in the immediate time frame of May when I will be packing up! He's coming down to help in a couple of weeks. I'm going to get a pod so that we don't have to unload the stuff into storage and can just move it up the coast to Oregon, if that's where we decide to settle, or to Austin if the ship turns in that direction.
Of course, my priority remains having a child through the California ivf donor egg program, and a big reason to save money is so that we can go forward with that in late July or August. It makes sense that we stay in California through August so that we can drive to complete the treatments there, versus having to fly. In the meanwhile, I have started working out and taking supplements and will continue to work towards being as healthy as possible before the transfer. Our next steps are my getting all the fertility tests done again, and he doing some tests then going through sperm extraction and freezing, probably at the end of June or beginning of July.
How's that for some big changes?
I've been spending some time this weekend planning and thinking through action steps to prepare for moving in with RC at the end of May. We came up with this new plan after he had a mini-breakdown thinking of moving up here right now. He has lived in his place much longer than I have and will be getting rid of lots of stuff in the move. Also, he has a strong support system down there, and he just started an intensive 12-week online program to become a fitness trainer.
As we talked through it more fully, it does make sense that I put my stuff in storage and move down there. I have no work up here - he can work some part-time concert event hours down there at a winery - and I can get unemployment wherever I am located. Also, I am seeing it as an opportunity to really focus on creating my online introvert/professional career transition program.
The negatives include: his place is not very nice, as I mentioned earlier; I have pack up all my stuff again after doing that just a year ago; and we will be living on the Central Coast in a location that is less desirable than my current neighborhood.
I think the positives outweigh the negatives, though, and include: saving money through paying less rent and his additional income; simplifying my life so I can really focus on creating this online program; he and I spending quality time together this summer in-between both of us focusing on completing online programs - he from the student side and me from the counseling/coaching side; and giving him more time to sort through his stuff and decide what to get rid of, keep, or store.
The negatives are mediated by the fact that it will be time limited - two or three months at the most - after which we plan to move closer to family in Eugene or Austin! We have been talking about this since we met and will likely be taking a short trip in June to visit his family and check out Austin. At this point, Eugene is looking much more likely because he really liked it there and my family has the athletic club business where he could work part-time, to supplement his retirement income. But I'm open to falling in love with Austin and switching gears if both of us feel that way and see a positive future there. As a side note, I have applied for a job at the university in Eugene, which could definitely be a factor, as well.
Spending some time on the Central Coast also has perks in that I have a couple of friends to spend time with down there from when I lived in the area (where we met), and it really does have some beautiful hikes and state parks, some along the ocean. His friend has a winery, as well, which might be a benefit and a fun place to visit.
I guess overall it makes sense, but it's a huge pain in the immediate time frame of May when I will be packing up! He's coming down to help in a couple of weeks. I'm going to get a pod so that we don't have to unload the stuff into storage and can just move it up the coast to Oregon, if that's where we decide to settle, or to Austin if the ship turns in that direction.
Of course, my priority remains having a child through the California ivf donor egg program, and a big reason to save money is so that we can go forward with that in late July or August. It makes sense that we stay in California through August so that we can drive to complete the treatments there, versus having to fly. In the meanwhile, I have started working out and taking supplements and will continue to work towards being as healthy as possible before the transfer. Our next steps are my getting all the fertility tests done again, and he doing some tests then going through sperm extraction and freezing, probably at the end of June or beginning of July.
4/07/2018
A Fertile Spring
Amazing to look at the calendar and see April 7th! RC left last Monday after a two-week stay. It's weird how our time together seems to go through different "phases.". I guess we haven't settled into a routine or consistent pattern. For example, the first part of the trip was about co-housing and exploring a local co-housing community and open house. We talked a lot about how we would like to live in an intentional community like that for the benefits of community meals and events, resource sharing, and a child growing up in a loving extended family-type environment.
The second phase was getting matching tattoos from a well-known local tattoo place. I will add a picture to this post later, but I'm happy with how they turned out. Lots of pain, however. Yes, you do feel like a badass and yes, you do get an endorphin rush that is very interesting and relieving when it finally kicks in. Getting these tattoos brought home the level of commitment we are making.
After the tattoos, I experienced what I might call a minor emotional backlash, in which I felt questioning and at times judgmental towards RC and the ways that we are different. We continued our reading in a spiritual relationship book, which opened up sadness about this backlash and it's impact on our relationship. I talked about my worry a little bit; that it's come up when I don't feel he's tuning in or really listening to me, especially with regard to ideas or intellectual thoughts, and that I was afraid we may not be as compatible on that level as I would like.
In this conversation, I learned more about him and his engineering background, and I felt reassurance that he cared and wanted to listen to me in a way that met my needs to matter and feel like he was interested in my thoughts. I recognized that my distancing through judgment is toxic and gets in the way of experiencing the love and joy that both of us want to feel. I'm trying to remember that and make adjustments when I slip into this pattern that started long before him.
In the next phase, we drove to Sacramento for a Cal IVF consultation, which was VERY exciting to both of us, to say the least. We talked there and back about it in the car, then went out for drinks and food and talked some more. I researched information on questions that came up, including supplements and other strategies to support implantation, as well as donor IVF statistics, etc.
The first step is for RC to go through a sperm extraction process, which a specialist does at the center. We weren't sure how reliable or successful this process would be, but he was beyond encouraging, giving 96% odds of healthy, usable sperm samples. We could then choose an egg donor, looking at pictures and background information, that hopefully resembles me. They require ICSI with the IVF procedure. If it doesn't work, then statistically we should have frozen embryos for a second try. RC looked up financial information and said he could borrow from his retirement account to cover costs.
But...later on, he had a lot of anxiety come up around adding to his debt load right now. He would have to pay back the money on his retirement account, apparently, and it would add a substantial monthly payment to current expenses. The last couple of nights he didn't sleep very well because he was anxious about this, but either he wasn't fully aware of why he was anxious or he wasn't able to tell me for some reason. In any case, it created a little tension in the last couple days before he left.
After he got home, he reflected and wrote about it, becoming more clear about his feelings so he could share them with me. Right now, he is doing some work on his budget/spending plan, and we are both talking about how we can afford the extra payments. The way I'm seeing it now (and hoping and praying for) is that we could move forward in August or September. In the meanwhile, we can work on getting more healthy, eating well, doing required fertility testing and choosing a donor. Financial changes coming down the pike include:
Regarding the adoption plan, we have been feeling torn. My agency has said they do not want clients pursuing fertility treatments at the same time as trying to adopt. Our energy and excitement right now is towards the donor IVF option. So, I think right now, we will likely focus on that, but I am worried about stepping back from that route after all the effort I've put towards it. I think it's probably the right thing to do, though...
Overall, however, many developments to happily anticipate. I'm so glad Spring is slowly slipping into view. Flowers blooming and smelling heavenly, temperature creeping up. It seems timely, as our energy and excitement are rising, as well.
The second phase was getting matching tattoos from a well-known local tattoo place. I will add a picture to this post later, but I'm happy with how they turned out. Lots of pain, however. Yes, you do feel like a badass and yes, you do get an endorphin rush that is very interesting and relieving when it finally kicks in. Getting these tattoos brought home the level of commitment we are making.
After the tattoos, I experienced what I might call a minor emotional backlash, in which I felt questioning and at times judgmental towards RC and the ways that we are different. We continued our reading in a spiritual relationship book, which opened up sadness about this backlash and it's impact on our relationship. I talked about my worry a little bit; that it's come up when I don't feel he's tuning in or really listening to me, especially with regard to ideas or intellectual thoughts, and that I was afraid we may not be as compatible on that level as I would like.
In this conversation, I learned more about him and his engineering background, and I felt reassurance that he cared and wanted to listen to me in a way that met my needs to matter and feel like he was interested in my thoughts. I recognized that my distancing through judgment is toxic and gets in the way of experiencing the love and joy that both of us want to feel. I'm trying to remember that and make adjustments when I slip into this pattern that started long before him.
In the next phase, we drove to Sacramento for a Cal IVF consultation, which was VERY exciting to both of us, to say the least. We talked there and back about it in the car, then went out for drinks and food and talked some more. I researched information on questions that came up, including supplements and other strategies to support implantation, as well as donor IVF statistics, etc.
The first step is for RC to go through a sperm extraction process, which a specialist does at the center. We weren't sure how reliable or successful this process would be, but he was beyond encouraging, giving 96% odds of healthy, usable sperm samples. We could then choose an egg donor, looking at pictures and background information, that hopefully resembles me. They require ICSI with the IVF procedure. If it doesn't work, then statistically we should have frozen embryos for a second try. RC looked up financial information and said he could borrow from his retirement account to cover costs.
But...later on, he had a lot of anxiety come up around adding to his debt load right now. He would have to pay back the money on his retirement account, apparently, and it would add a substantial monthly payment to current expenses. The last couple of nights he didn't sleep very well because he was anxious about this, but either he wasn't fully aware of why he was anxious or he wasn't able to tell me for some reason. In any case, it created a little tension in the last couple days before he left.
After he got home, he reflected and wrote about it, becoming more clear about his feelings so he could share them with me. Right now, he is doing some work on his budget/spending plan, and we are both talking about how we can afford the extra payments. The way I'm seeing it now (and hoping and praying for) is that we could move forward in August or September. In the meanwhile, we can work on getting more healthy, eating well, doing required fertility testing and choosing a donor. Financial changes coming down the pike include:
- He is currently completing a three-month fitness-trainer certification program, which guarantees employment and will add to our income.
- Although I am not working at the college this summer, I will receive unemployment, then start teaching my three classes (an increase in the income I have been receiving) in mid-August.
- As soon as school ends next month, I will begin attending the local BNI business networking chapter to increase local contacts and client referrals. By this Tuesday, I also plan to publish a newsletter and schedule a new local Meetup event, also in hopes of connecting with new clients. The two clients who just finished their sessions with me have also said they may want additional help in a month.
- Lastly, when RC moves here on May 19th, he will start paying half the rent, which will open up more money in my budget to cover the IVF loan payment (first to cover my budget shortage on unemployment, then to cover the payment).
Regarding the adoption plan, we have been feeling torn. My agency has said they do not want clients pursuing fertility treatments at the same time as trying to adopt. Our energy and excitement right now is towards the donor IVF option. So, I think right now, we will likely focus on that, but I am worried about stepping back from that route after all the effort I've put towards it. I think it's probably the right thing to do, though...
Overall, however, many developments to happily anticipate. I'm so glad Spring is slowly slipping into view. Flowers blooming and smelling heavenly, temperature creeping up. It seems timely, as our energy and excitement are rising, as well.
3/10/2018
Emotional and "Real World" Progress
Life keeps rolling along... relationships take focus and energy; I find myself with less blogging motivation. But I still appreciate having a space to process and record the journey, so here I am again.
I started seeing a cognitive behavioral counselor yesterday for help working through intimacy and commitment fears, which I recently identified as a specific phobia and OCD, without the compulsions. Somehow, it's helpful to have a label for these fears and anxieties that arise in the context of intimate relationship, often in the form of judgments. It's already led to some helpful insights and reframing.
One of the underlying fears is that if I commit to something that is not "perfection," then I will lose the opportunity to be "un-abandoned" and have ideal, completely safe unconditional love and merging with someone. I will also become dependent on one person to meet all my needs. There is a sense I will be "trapped."
Obviously, these thoughts and fears are not rational and have as one main source my mother dying when I was four-years-old (and never really bonding with my step-mother). I think there are other layers, sources, and faulty beliefs acquired over the years, as well.
My relationship with RC has continued to grow. We connect emotionally, spiritually, romantically, and sexually. Also mentally, but a little less than I hope it grows into, as he engages more with an external passion or interest. Though we are physically affectionate and regularly sexual, I would like more fire from him, in terms of feeling his intense desire for me. I realized this dynamic of someone wanting me helps spark my own passion. He says he is strongly attracted to me and hasn't really felt this type of unbridled intense physical passion with someone before, that he can remember. So, it's something he's asking himself about - how can he feel open to losing some control in that way?
Overall, I feel excited and happy, hopeful about our future. We are having some spontaneous and relaxed, playful phone calls, which I am enjoying. I can be my quirky, silly self with him and feel comfortable. I can get frustrated or have strong feelings with him and feel comfortable. He is starting to show me edges I haven't seen before, which, while sometimes uncomfortable, I really appreciate.
So, we are moving forward both emotionally and in the "real world," as he is planning to move up here with me in May. This will only be about seven months into our romantic relationship, but considering our past friendship of several years, during which we spent a lot of time together, I think we are at a different place than many couples would be. I am tired of trying to maintain our intimacy over long distance between times we are together. I'm also really looking forward to having a life companion and someone who is "with" me in the journey of adopting or having a child. Combining finances and splitting rent will certainly not hurt my security and stability either.
He's coming up here for a couple of weeks over Spring Break, starting next weekend, during which we plan to get matching tattoos (!). Not the elaborate one we've talked about, but a simple celtic-style one of a combined heart and infinity sign. I'm excited to spend more time with him and learning more about each other and getting comfortable living with one another. So glad that my procedure is behind me and we won't have that stress and annoyance hanging over us!
I started seeing a cognitive behavioral counselor yesterday for help working through intimacy and commitment fears, which I recently identified as a specific phobia and OCD, without the compulsions. Somehow, it's helpful to have a label for these fears and anxieties that arise in the context of intimate relationship, often in the form of judgments. It's already led to some helpful insights and reframing.
One of the underlying fears is that if I commit to something that is not "perfection," then I will lose the opportunity to be "un-abandoned" and have ideal, completely safe unconditional love and merging with someone. I will also become dependent on one person to meet all my needs. There is a sense I will be "trapped."
Obviously, these thoughts and fears are not rational and have as one main source my mother dying when I was four-years-old (and never really bonding with my step-mother). I think there are other layers, sources, and faulty beliefs acquired over the years, as well.
My relationship with RC has continued to grow. We connect emotionally, spiritually, romantically, and sexually. Also mentally, but a little less than I hope it grows into, as he engages more with an external passion or interest. Though we are physically affectionate and regularly sexual, I would like more fire from him, in terms of feeling his intense desire for me. I realized this dynamic of someone wanting me helps spark my own passion. He says he is strongly attracted to me and hasn't really felt this type of unbridled intense physical passion with someone before, that he can remember. So, it's something he's asking himself about - how can he feel open to losing some control in that way?
Overall, I feel excited and happy, hopeful about our future. We are having some spontaneous and relaxed, playful phone calls, which I am enjoying. I can be my quirky, silly self with him and feel comfortable. I can get frustrated or have strong feelings with him and feel comfortable. He is starting to show me edges I haven't seen before, which, while sometimes uncomfortable, I really appreciate.
So, we are moving forward both emotionally and in the "real world," as he is planning to move up here with me in May. This will only be about seven months into our romantic relationship, but considering our past friendship of several years, during which we spent a lot of time together, I think we are at a different place than many couples would be. I am tired of trying to maintain our intimacy over long distance between times we are together. I'm also really looking forward to having a life companion and someone who is "with" me in the journey of adopting or having a child. Combining finances and splitting rent will certainly not hurt my security and stability either.
He's coming up here for a couple of weeks over Spring Break, starting next weekend, during which we plan to get matching tattoos (!). Not the elaborate one we've talked about, but a simple celtic-style one of a combined heart and infinity sign. I'm excited to spend more time with him and learning more about each other and getting comfortable living with one another. So glad that my procedure is behind me and we won't have that stress and annoyance hanging over us!
2/25/2018
Valentine's Visit - Part2
Sorry, that was more of a delay between posts than I intended… Things have been a little hectic, but overall I'm feeling good.
To finish sharing about RC's visit, we had a wonderful Valentines dinner at the same place we went for my birthday. We were seated in the back room so it felt a little more intimate, and we both ordered surf and turf with steak and scallops. Amazing! I think we both ate nearly all of it.
Backing up a little, I had to work during Valentine's Day. When I got home, RC had red roses, a balloon saying I love you, chocolate and red wine waiting for me. All the traditional romantic stuff; very sweet. We spent a few hours before our late dinner – we made our reservation last minute, oops - enjoying our own private party at my place. We lit candles, played music and danced, and did some creative stuff like drawing animals on cards, then picking one and looking up its symbolism.
We also had some deeper conversation about tension that's come up a couple times during the transition into going to sleep. In part, it was because we have developed our own nightly rituals and they weren't fitting together well. He has insomnia and is currently smoking a little pot before bed to help. I don't have a problem with that except for that then we are on different wavelengths and he has diminished communication skills. I like to take my melatonin, then look at my phone for a while until I feel sleepy...but then he was waiting for me so that we could cuddle a little and kiss good night, which was just not working for either of us. Anyway we talked this out and came up with some good strategies, so that was positive. We had a fun time dressing up for dinner, too.
My procedure was rescheduled for the following Tuesday. He planned to leave Wednesday morning, so, after Valentine's Day, we had a few days through the weekend to spend together. Our activities included:
RC drove me through the McDonald's drive-through on the way home as a reward, and I spent much of the day resting with him, but honestly I didn't feel too bad. I just took the pain medication on the schedule they suggested and didn't really feel much cramping at all. Here's to not having ongoing random bleeding!
p.s. We cheated and tried some "modified" sexual activity. It didn't seem to create any negative effects, and it was a connected way to end our trip. :)
To finish sharing about RC's visit, we had a wonderful Valentines dinner at the same place we went for my birthday. We were seated in the back room so it felt a little more intimate, and we both ordered surf and turf with steak and scallops. Amazing! I think we both ate nearly all of it.
Backing up a little, I had to work during Valentine's Day. When I got home, RC had red roses, a balloon saying I love you, chocolate and red wine waiting for me. All the traditional romantic stuff; very sweet. We spent a few hours before our late dinner – we made our reservation last minute, oops - enjoying our own private party at my place. We lit candles, played music and danced, and did some creative stuff like drawing animals on cards, then picking one and looking up its symbolism.
We also had some deeper conversation about tension that's come up a couple times during the transition into going to sleep. In part, it was because we have developed our own nightly rituals and they weren't fitting together well. He has insomnia and is currently smoking a little pot before bed to help. I don't have a problem with that except for that then we are on different wavelengths and he has diminished communication skills. I like to take my melatonin, then look at my phone for a while until I feel sleepy...but then he was waiting for me so that we could cuddle a little and kiss good night, which was just not working for either of us. Anyway we talked this out and came up with some good strategies, so that was positive. We had a fun time dressing up for dinner, too.
My procedure was rescheduled for the following Tuesday. He planned to leave Wednesday morning, so, after Valentine's Day, we had a few days through the weekend to spend together. Our activities included:
- Going to the DMV together to get some paperwork I needed. So nice to have a partner in these practical things. Grocery shopping was also fun, though it would be more fun if he wasn't so restricted on his diet!
- Taking a walk around the lake at the sanctuary we visited before. I love this. It's so beautiful, and we end up having some really meaningful conversation while walking with Zoey.
- Watching our show together at night. We have developed a ritual of watching a Netflix series together and texting comments during it when we are apart, so it was fun to watch and comment in person.
- Enjoying a yummy brunch of blueberry pancakes (gluten-free for him), bacon, and fruit. He ends up doing more of the dinner cooking, in large part because he makes things he knows he can eat. I usually help out by making a salad or prepping the veggies or something, but he often does the majority. I love making breakfast and desserts, so I feel good to be able to cook for him in those ways.
- Taking Zoey for her daily walks together, often late at night when she has free run of the park. It feels romantic holding hands and looking at the stars, although we have to pay attention to navigating her leash and uneven surfaces in the dark. I may not have mentioned but RC is not the most coordinated person…He has fallen several times over the years, so I feel like I need to look out for him sometimes in that way.
- Envisioning our lives with a child and what decisions and activities may be part of the journey.
- Drinking a little too much wine one night and laughing hysterically. I don't think the jokes would translate LOL but boy were they funny at the time.
- Part of the reason we got so tipsy that evening was because we started in the afternoon with some winetasting. Winetasting is so fun! It was a sunny day, we were out on the patio, and we took the opportunity to review and revise the goal cards we initially created on New Year's. Then we walked around downtown and ended up making an appointment to get a collaboratively-designed tattoo over spring break. Eek
- The day before my procedure, we went to get some lunch, during which we also looked at an anxiety/phobia workbook (more on that later). I started feeling really crabby and unsettled for no real reason. We had talked before about how we are both introverts and need to set boundaries and take alone time, but had so far not managed to follow through. This day, after walking out to the car, I just blurted out, "I need some alone time!" He said he could walk home, but I said, "Well, that's about 15-20 minutes; I need an hour." So, he decided to walk around downtown, and I went home. You would not believe what a difference it made! Within a half hour, I was thinking of him and missing him a little, and when he got home, we shared an emotional embrace, feeling a lot of love and warmth towards one another. Interesting.
RC drove me through the McDonald's drive-through on the way home as a reward, and I spent much of the day resting with him, but honestly I didn't feel too bad. I just took the pain medication on the schedule they suggested and didn't really feel much cramping at all. Here's to not having ongoing random bleeding!
p.s. We cheated and tried some "modified" sexual activity. It didn't seem to create any negative effects, and it was a connected way to end our trip. :)
2/13/2018
Valentine's Visit - Part 1
RC arrived for a 9-day visit last Saturday. We have been getting used to each other again, talking and spending time at my place, as well as doing "normal" activities like grocery shopping and picking up a few items at T@rget.
This time, he decided to bring his beautiful, orange kitty cat, Calvin, so it has been fun and entertaining watching Calvin and Zoey interact and gradually make (sometimes an uneasy) peace with each other. They are definitely not in the cuddling or grooming each other phase, but they can walk by each other more easily now and even lie next to one another on the floor.
When RC first arrived, after not seeing each other since January 2nd, I felt a powerful wave of joy and attraction to him. The intensity of this was unexpected. He looked so good and I just wanted to be close to him and look at him. Of course, that has mellowed, but I'm still feeling super happy to have him around. We have been watching some TV in the evening, but for the most part, have been out and about or eating meals. We also did a guided meditation at one point up in my room, which was lovely.
Yesterday afternoon, we finally watched the movie, "The Shape of Water, which was dramatic, touching, and romantic. Then, later on, we went out to one of our favorite local restaurants, Central Market. We ordered oyster shooters to start, then he had chicken and I had a super yummy chorizo and mussel dish, accompanied by a nice red wine.
As of yesterday morning, back is out of alignment or something and I've been experiencing some pain. RC has been caring and helpful with that. After reading that we could not be intimate for at least a week, possibly longer, following the hysteroscopy procedure, I decided to postpone it for a month or so until my spring break in March. So it's ironic that my back pain is getting in the way of us being intimate, though we did have a chance to connect in that way for a day or two before it flaired up.
I may regret postponing the procedure but literally started crying when I read that guideline and felt that we really needed to have normal connection this week after over a month apart and going through the progesterone hell. It's not an urgent situation, so I don't think another month will make a difference. And maybe it will allow us to time the procedure better in terms of my cycle and lining production, etc.
Today, we plan to walk around downtown, back permitting, and maybe revisit the goal cards we first created on New Year's, as well as guide him through a career values exercise I've been meaning to share. I think I may have said that he's been in semi-retirement after burning out of a PG&E management job of several decades, and he's wanting to find more meaningful work for the next 10-15 years.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and I look forward to creating some romantic memories, including another nice dinner. Hope your day is filled with love and connection, as well.
This time, he decided to bring his beautiful, orange kitty cat, Calvin, so it has been fun and entertaining watching Calvin and Zoey interact and gradually make (sometimes an uneasy) peace with each other. They are definitely not in the cuddling or grooming each other phase, but they can walk by each other more easily now and even lie next to one another on the floor.
When RC first arrived, after not seeing each other since January 2nd, I felt a powerful wave of joy and attraction to him. The intensity of this was unexpected. He looked so good and I just wanted to be close to him and look at him. Of course, that has mellowed, but I'm still feeling super happy to have him around. We have been watching some TV in the evening, but for the most part, have been out and about or eating meals. We also did a guided meditation at one point up in my room, which was lovely.
Yesterday afternoon, we finally watched the movie, "The Shape of Water, which was dramatic, touching, and romantic. Then, later on, we went out to one of our favorite local restaurants, Central Market. We ordered oyster shooters to start, then he had chicken and I had a super yummy chorizo and mussel dish, accompanied by a nice red wine.
As of yesterday morning, back is out of alignment or something and I've been experiencing some pain. RC has been caring and helpful with that. After reading that we could not be intimate for at least a week, possibly longer, following the hysteroscopy procedure, I decided to postpone it for a month or so until my spring break in March. So it's ironic that my back pain is getting in the way of us being intimate, though we did have a chance to connect in that way for a day or two before it flaired up.
I may regret postponing the procedure but literally started crying when I read that guideline and felt that we really needed to have normal connection this week after over a month apart and going through the progesterone hell. It's not an urgent situation, so I don't think another month will make a difference. And maybe it will allow us to time the procedure better in terms of my cycle and lining production, etc.
Today, we plan to walk around downtown, back permitting, and maybe revisit the goal cards we first created on New Year's, as well as guide him through a career values exercise I've been meaning to share. I think I may have said that he's been in semi-retirement after burning out of a PG&E management job of several decades, and he's wanting to find more meaningful work for the next 10-15 years.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and I look forward to creating some romantic memories, including another nice dinner. Hope your day is filled with love and connection, as well.
2/01/2018
Health Update
So I spoke with my doctor on Monday, and she solved the bleeding mystery. Unfortunately, it wasn't the best case scenario I'd hoped for, but it wasn't the worst case scenario either.
She said I have a polyp in the uterine lining that has disrupted the natural formation and shedding cycle; thus, the odd spotting/bleeding. Additionally, I have two small fibroids, one outside the uterus and one inside that are, I guess, re-growing since my surgery a few years ago. Boo.
The good news is that I can get all that taken care off with a hysteroscopy, at the same time I get the uterine biopsy. Just now, in this moment, the question arises for me as to "why" I still need the biopsy if we have determined the reason for the problems. But I guess it's a good idea to play it safe.
I'm going to the medical center today to sign the consent and pick up the medications, then the outpatient procedure is scheduled for the 12th. RC will be here that week and can be my ride, as I'll be kind of out of it.
I wonder if I can go to work the following day? Anyone know? I think I had a biopsy a long time ago but I don't remember, and this is also removing the polyp and fibroids. She said there might be some cramping, but I go home right after the procedure.
There was a question as to whether my lining would be "too thick" when they do the procedure. As mentioned the (less than stellar) doctor I originally saw put me on progesterone until last Friday. It worked perfectly, as it stopped the spotting and when I went off it, my full period came four days later.
But apparently, there would ideally be less time between my cycle ending and date of the procedure. There was "no way" that I was going back on progesterone, however, as it just about drove me, and RC, insane. We did move the procedure up a few days from Friday to Monday, though, and she seemed to think that would be okay.
That's the latest news...please send good thoughts that this procedure goes well and I can put this whole "interesting" health journey behind me. I'm sooo glad the wicked month of January is over, and I am looking forward to my training next week and RC's visit and I guess just generally getting my health and life stabilized again.
She said I have a polyp in the uterine lining that has disrupted the natural formation and shedding cycle; thus, the odd spotting/bleeding. Additionally, I have two small fibroids, one outside the uterus and one inside that are, I guess, re-growing since my surgery a few years ago. Boo.
The good news is that I can get all that taken care off with a hysteroscopy, at the same time I get the uterine biopsy. Just now, in this moment, the question arises for me as to "why" I still need the biopsy if we have determined the reason for the problems. But I guess it's a good idea to play it safe.
I'm going to the medical center today to sign the consent and pick up the medications, then the outpatient procedure is scheduled for the 12th. RC will be here that week and can be my ride, as I'll be kind of out of it.
I wonder if I can go to work the following day? Anyone know? I think I had a biopsy a long time ago but I don't remember, and this is also removing the polyp and fibroids. She said there might be some cramping, but I go home right after the procedure.
There was a question as to whether my lining would be "too thick" when they do the procedure. As mentioned the (less than stellar) doctor I originally saw put me on progesterone until last Friday. It worked perfectly, as it stopped the spotting and when I went off it, my full period came four days later.
But apparently, there would ideally be less time between my cycle ending and date of the procedure. There was "no way" that I was going back on progesterone, however, as it just about drove me, and RC, insane. We did move the procedure up a few days from Friday to Monday, though, and she seemed to think that would be okay.
That's the latest news...please send good thoughts that this procedure goes well and I can put this whole "interesting" health journey behind me. I'm sooo glad the wicked month of January is over, and I am looking forward to my training next week and RC's visit and I guess just generally getting my health and life stabilized again.
1/27/2018
Developments: Body, Business, Baby, Boyfriend
As I mentioned in my last post, I had been having off and on spotting but not a true cycle for over a month, so after a visit to the doctor, I was put on progesterone tablets to try and reboot my cycle. My last day on these pills was yesterday, thank God.
It is an understatement to say my mood was affected. At one point, I said to RC on the phone, "I'm just so angry!" lol Several times, I've become bent out of shape about things that normally would be no big deal. Poor RC. And on top of that, I haven't had energy to do anything but go to work and come home and do a chore here and there when I have to.
The good news is, I am done with the pills, and they did work as far as stopping the bleeding immediately after I began taking them. I had an ultrasound yesterday, but I don't get to know the results until I talk to the doctor early next week. She measured a lot of things, including from what I could see pretty large follicles.
Hopefully I'll get a full cycle in a few days. Fingers crossed. I really hope I don't have fibroids redeveloping. Best case scenario, maybe it was a a cyst coupled with stress and some hormone imbalance causing the problems.
I do have some work developments to report. As background, when we started back this semester, I asked my program director what were the chances that I would have a counseling job in the program next fall. I asked her because last semester we found out that my college would no longer be paying for college counselors in the program. I had heard she was looking for other ways to pay for counseling, but these would likely involve high school district funding, not college. She replied that there would be maybe a 35% chance of my employment in the fall.
Well, needless to say that was not reassuring, and I began talking to RC about some different options like considering a move to Oregon or to Austin where his family lives. It was actually kind of exciting to consider these possibilities, and I even applied for a couple of jobs in these cities.
But then suddenly life, as it can do, took a turn. I got a call from my college counseling department chair, and she proceeded to offer me three classes to teach in the fall! Two Introduction to Career Counseling courses and one College Survival Skills course. I had bid on a lot of classes, but considering I'm still fairly new to the college and hadn't had luck bidding before, I didn't expect to be offered anything. Then, to be offered three was shocking!
Of course, I.immediately said yes, knowing I could change my mind later. But I don't think that will happen unless I were offered a job somewhere else. Plus, it supports my continued adoption efforts in this area versus starting over.
Speaking of adoption efforts, I have received no further news of being submitted for a match, since my social worker submitted me for a an 18-month boy at the beginning of this month. That was an exciting couple of days until I heard I was not chosen.
There are a couple events coming up, however, that I'm looking forward to. The first one is an adoption fair next Thursday in a town about an hour and a half south. My worker will be there and said she would bring the home study/family packets I can share with county representatives.
The second one is a training February 9th through my agency called, "Nurtured Heart Training." I generally enjoy trainings and want to learn as much as I can, so I'm looking forward to it.
RC has completed and submitted all his paperwork, which means if a child was suddenly placed with me, he can stay in the same house and even watch the child if needed. We have ventured into talking about what it might be like if he moved up here this summer and stayed with me in my place for a while. It would be challenging for sure, and he would definitely need to put a lot of stuff in storage.
But talking through it, it would be possible I think, at least in the shorter term of a year or two. If we didn't live several hours apart, we might wait a little longer, but all things considered, neither of us enjoy the long drives and a long distance relationship isn't sustainable. Yikes! We'll see...
It is an understatement to say my mood was affected. At one point, I said to RC on the phone, "I'm just so angry!" lol Several times, I've become bent out of shape about things that normally would be no big deal. Poor RC. And on top of that, I haven't had energy to do anything but go to work and come home and do a chore here and there when I have to.
The good news is, I am done with the pills, and they did work as far as stopping the bleeding immediately after I began taking them. I had an ultrasound yesterday, but I don't get to know the results until I talk to the doctor early next week. She measured a lot of things, including from what I could see pretty large follicles.
Hopefully I'll get a full cycle in a few days. Fingers crossed. I really hope I don't have fibroids redeveloping. Best case scenario, maybe it was a a cyst coupled with stress and some hormone imbalance causing the problems.
I do have some work developments to report. As background, when we started back this semester, I asked my program director what were the chances that I would have a counseling job in the program next fall. I asked her because last semester we found out that my college would no longer be paying for college counselors in the program. I had heard she was looking for other ways to pay for counseling, but these would likely involve high school district funding, not college. She replied that there would be maybe a 35% chance of my employment in the fall.
Well, needless to say that was not reassuring, and I began talking to RC about some different options like considering a move to Oregon or to Austin where his family lives. It was actually kind of exciting to consider these possibilities, and I even applied for a couple of jobs in these cities.
But then suddenly life, as it can do, took a turn. I got a call from my college counseling department chair, and she proceeded to offer me three classes to teach in the fall! Two Introduction to Career Counseling courses and one College Survival Skills course. I had bid on a lot of classes, but considering I'm still fairly new to the college and hadn't had luck bidding before, I didn't expect to be offered anything. Then, to be offered three was shocking!
Of course, I.immediately said yes, knowing I could change my mind later. But I don't think that will happen unless I were offered a job somewhere else. Plus, it supports my continued adoption efforts in this area versus starting over.
Speaking of adoption efforts, I have received no further news of being submitted for a match, since my social worker submitted me for a an 18-month boy at the beginning of this month. That was an exciting couple of days until I heard I was not chosen.
There are a couple events coming up, however, that I'm looking forward to. The first one is an adoption fair next Thursday in a town about an hour and a half south. My worker will be there and said she would bring the home study/family packets I can share with county representatives.
The second one is a training February 9th through my agency called, "Nurtured Heart Training." I generally enjoy trainings and want to learn as much as I can, so I'm looking forward to it.
RC has completed and submitted all his paperwork, which means if a child was suddenly placed with me, he can stay in the same house and even watch the child if needed. We have ventured into talking about what it might be like if he moved up here this summer and stayed with me in my place for a while. It would be challenging for sure, and he would definitely need to put a lot of stuff in storage.
But talking through it, it would be possible I think, at least in the shorter term of a year or two. If we didn't live several hours apart, we might wait a little longer, but all things considered, neither of us enjoy the long drives and a long distance relationship isn't sustainable. Yikes! We'll see...
1/15/2018
Wrapping Up and Moving Forward
Sometimes I can't believe how time flies by! I'm ready to be done talking about the holidays, but I do want to write a brief record of RC and my final days of holiday break here where I live, and also share a couple more recent happenings...
After Christmas-time in Oregon, it felt good to get here and relax more and make our own schedule. We walked around downtown, as we like to do, and one afternoon, we went to the sanctuary/recreation area where he had spread his families ashes. It was much different this time, with lots of folks walking around the long, scenic circular pathway, so we - RC, Zoey, and I - joined in and began walking and talking.
After a while, we got into some deeper conversation about the prospect of my adopting a child. Every time this comes up, I feel him lean into it and really seem interested and "with" me in the journey. This feels wonderful. Although I was and am prepared to move forward alone, I've always felt I would do better as a parent with a partner. Partly because of being introverted and partly because I'm not a super organized, decisive person. I think I would benefit from collaborative decision making and sharing the logistics. In any case, so far, I feel good about our conversations.
He asked about what would be required of him as far as background check, finger printing, etc., and I said I would ask my social worker. I did ask her later and forwarded the information and forms for finger printing, TB and health checkup to him. He has a doctor's appointment scheduled for a week or two and has taken the next steps to complete the background check, as well.
The last holiday experience I want to share is New Year's Eve... We went shopping, watched some TV, and took a nap, then got ready and headed down to an oyster bar we had been wanting to try. We ordered this delicious fresh seafood tray, with four types of oysters, uber-fresh shrimp, salmon, and a couple other types of raw or smoked fish. So good! Accompanied by some yummy Pinot. It felt romantic, too, as we sat at the bar and held hands under the counter.
Afterwards, we went home and spent some meaningful time on a NYE ritual of releasing the old and welcoming in the new. We did some writing and discussed these things in-depth, especially our goals for the new year. We even made some goal cards and set the intention to read them every night and chip away at them, creating new goals when these are complete. We also drank a glass of super expensive Cab - not so great! That was the only disappointing part of the evening. Price often leads to most yummy with wine, but not always. We ended the evening listening to bands on TV and watching the ball drop.
In the big picture, everything is not perfect, but so far, I'm feeling really good about moving forward. Occasionally, I seem to hit an "intimacy wall," where I feel overwhelmed. This has happened two or three times now, and he has been able to hear me and talk through it, without escalating or withdrawing, like what used to happen with my ex. Having someone new in my space, with all that entails, can feel overwhelming to the senses. I'm sure this is partly due to the fact that I'm an HSP (highly sensitive person), which means being extra sensitive to lights, smells, sounds, energy, etc. So, having lots of "foreign" sensory input from someone other than myself can feel scary sometimes. I think fear of intimacy because of my past can at times heighten these sensitivities. So far, we've been able to navigate this well. I'm strongly attracted to him and being physically playful is fun!
Since he left, we have resumed our daily texting and talking on the phone a couple times a week, sometimes more. A new development is that when something significant happens, he is the first person I want to call. When I call, he's usually available and I appreciate the support and being able to talk through things. He has especially been there for me through one particular ongoing development...
As some of you know, I had a bleeding event over the holidays; basically bleeding off an on for a month. He was my partner through that, including a short time when we even considered we might be pregnant (it was not rational, as those who have gone through infertility know about), and when I went to the doctor and had an upsetting experience with an attempted non-medicated uterine biopsy, he was there to support me.
As an update, I have an ultrasound scheduled for the 23rd to check on my lining (and see if I had a cyst) and a phone call with the doctor calendared soon after. I'm taking progesterone for three weeks to hopefully "reboot" my body, fingers crossed. If the doctor - MY doctor not the one I scheduled through Kaiser online - affirms I need a uterine biopsy, you can bet I'm getting all the good drugs I can. A friend said they won't prescribe drugs for those in her state. WTF?! Not okay. I won't get started, but my strong belief is that if we can prevent or mediate pain, we absolutely should, unless there is a compelling reason the patient chooses not to.
There are some developments with work and plans that RC and I are considering, including upcoming trips, but I'll share more about those in another post. For today, I am appreciating this three-day weekend and catching up on laundry and sleep.
After Christmas-time in Oregon, it felt good to get here and relax more and make our own schedule. We walked around downtown, as we like to do, and one afternoon, we went to the sanctuary/recreation area where he had spread his families ashes. It was much different this time, with lots of folks walking around the long, scenic circular pathway, so we - RC, Zoey, and I - joined in and began walking and talking.
After a while, we got into some deeper conversation about the prospect of my adopting a child. Every time this comes up, I feel him lean into it and really seem interested and "with" me in the journey. This feels wonderful. Although I was and am prepared to move forward alone, I've always felt I would do better as a parent with a partner. Partly because of being introverted and partly because I'm not a super organized, decisive person. I think I would benefit from collaborative decision making and sharing the logistics. In any case, so far, I feel good about our conversations.
He asked about what would be required of him as far as background check, finger printing, etc., and I said I would ask my social worker. I did ask her later and forwarded the information and forms for finger printing, TB and health checkup to him. He has a doctor's appointment scheduled for a week or two and has taken the next steps to complete the background check, as well.
The last holiday experience I want to share is New Year's Eve... We went shopping, watched some TV, and took a nap, then got ready and headed down to an oyster bar we had been wanting to try. We ordered this delicious fresh seafood tray, with four types of oysters, uber-fresh shrimp, salmon, and a couple other types of raw or smoked fish. So good! Accompanied by some yummy Pinot. It felt romantic, too, as we sat at the bar and held hands under the counter.
Afterwards, we went home and spent some meaningful time on a NYE ritual of releasing the old and welcoming in the new. We did some writing and discussed these things in-depth, especially our goals for the new year. We even made some goal cards and set the intention to read them every night and chip away at them, creating new goals when these are complete. We also drank a glass of super expensive Cab - not so great! That was the only disappointing part of the evening. Price often leads to most yummy with wine, but not always. We ended the evening listening to bands on TV and watching the ball drop.
In the big picture, everything is not perfect, but so far, I'm feeling really good about moving forward. Occasionally, I seem to hit an "intimacy wall," where I feel overwhelmed. This has happened two or three times now, and he has been able to hear me and talk through it, without escalating or withdrawing, like what used to happen with my ex. Having someone new in my space, with all that entails, can feel overwhelming to the senses. I'm sure this is partly due to the fact that I'm an HSP (highly sensitive person), which means being extra sensitive to lights, smells, sounds, energy, etc. So, having lots of "foreign" sensory input from someone other than myself can feel scary sometimes. I think fear of intimacy because of my past can at times heighten these sensitivities. So far, we've been able to navigate this well. I'm strongly attracted to him and being physically playful is fun!
Since he left, we have resumed our daily texting and talking on the phone a couple times a week, sometimes more. A new development is that when something significant happens, he is the first person I want to call. When I call, he's usually available and I appreciate the support and being able to talk through things. He has especially been there for me through one particular ongoing development...
As some of you know, I had a bleeding event over the holidays; basically bleeding off an on for a month. He was my partner through that, including a short time when we even considered we might be pregnant (it was not rational, as those who have gone through infertility know about), and when I went to the doctor and had an upsetting experience with an attempted non-medicated uterine biopsy, he was there to support me.
As an update, I have an ultrasound scheduled for the 23rd to check on my lining (and see if I had a cyst) and a phone call with the doctor calendared soon after. I'm taking progesterone for three weeks to hopefully "reboot" my body, fingers crossed. If the doctor - MY doctor not the one I scheduled through Kaiser online - affirms I need a uterine biopsy, you can bet I'm getting all the good drugs I can. A friend said they won't prescribe drugs for those in her state. WTF?! Not okay. I won't get started, but my strong belief is that if we can prevent or mediate pain, we absolutely should, unless there is a compelling reason the patient chooses not to.
There are some developments with work and plans that RC and I are considering, including upcoming trips, but I'll share more about those in another post. For today, I am appreciating this three-day weekend and catching up on laundry and sleep.
1/06/2018
Holiday Time - at home and in Oregon - with RC
In the meanwhile, my new guy, RC, and I survived, and dare I say, pretty much thrived through two weeks straight together. We spent a few days together before leaving to drive up to Oregon, and also spent three days here together at the end, over New Years, before he left. Highlights of our time prior to Christmas in Oregon included:
- Shopping together is so much more fun than doing all the shopping alone.
- Help with wrapping presents!
- I tried a healthy gluten-free zucchini bread recipe, and it was gratifying because he gobbled it up. He doesn't eat much bread, so I felt like I really gave him a treat.
- My birthday celebration! We went out to a yummy surf and turf and shrimp and grits dinner with some great Pinot to go with it. My favorite thing, as you know. I also got my hair foiled with lots of blonde which has been fun and made me feel pampered.
The next day, after a slightly hungover breakfast at the nearby pancake house, we unpacked and organized our room and went shopping at the mall for some last Christmas items. Other trip adventures and highlights included:
- Making the sugar cookie dough with my little nieces at my brother's house Friday night, while RC and my brother got to know one another. I'm glad they seemed to connect and get along well! Then, we finished the cookies and frosted them with all the nieces and my nephew there Christmas Eve. RC was super helpful and made and colored all the frosting bowls. I will say that my second to youngest niece has matured in her attention span and, most surprising, my nephew was actually helpful and fairly calm during the process. Quite a difference! The littlest one kept wanting to lick the frosting off the cookies. lol
- RC driving me, my oldest niece and nephew around to look at Christmas lights and sing some carols after we all got hot chocolate and cookies at Starbucks. It was super sweet of RC to drive - though I could tell it was stressful at times since he doesn't know the area - so that I could interact and talk more with J and E.
- Christmas at my sister's house, formerly my mom and dad's house. We opened presents and it was really nice having RC there. He was able to be supportive and engage where appropriate but also fall back a bit when appropriate in a way that S never was able to do. I got some really nice earrings from both Rich and my dad and M, as well as a pretty dress (my first item of clothing with shoulder cut-outs) and cool short leather boots I love. Everyone seemed to like my gifts: my niece V loved the breathing dog I got her, which was awesome because she's learning how not to be afraid of dogs; and RC loved the leather bag I got him and immediately put his computer, notebook, books, etc. in it when we returned to the hotel later. :) My sister's family all received bathrobes, which they tried on, and I did the honor of catching that funny cuteness on camera. Breakfast frittata and fruit was yummy! And a bonus was that, after others had left, RC and I went to my oldest nieces room and my nephew's room to see the changes they had made and just chat a little more. I wish I could have had more time with them but we made the most of it.
- Since my sister's family was leaving the next morning and needed to pack, and my brother left with his family to head up to Portland to spend time with his wife's family, RC and I had no where to go for Christmas dinner. We hadn't really thought it through and of course nothing was open - except for Chinese restaurants which had an hour or two wait times. So, hilariously, we went to 7-11 and loaded up on stuff we could eat from there and made a dent in our Christmas wine gifts, while watching a movie.
- Visiting my Aunt and Uncle's house and giving the little cousin's gifts and zucchini bread to the grown-ups, introducing RC, and spending time talking, eating cookies, and just enjoying ourselves and laughing. As I get older, I really value my Aunt and Uncle and their kids... having the love and connection with my birth mom's side of the family. It's definitely a feeling of warmth and acceptance. At one point, my Aunt pulled me to the side and said, "I really like him!" Yay!
- Sharing a lunch and nice dinner with my Dad and his partner, M. On his own, versus with the whole family, my Dad can seem to connect and have more meaningful conversation with us. We talked a little about politics at dinner, and I was shocked to realize that my Dad and I have a very similar view of Trump! (he's a Republican). M was nice and made an effort to get to know Rich, which I appreciated.
- We went to my older cousin on my dad's side's house, as I often do, but she talked even more than usual, it seemed. This cousin of mine can talk a blue streak, especially when she's been drinking. It was good to see her son, though, who she adopted from China and give him a little gift I brought.
- The night before we left, we went to the athletic club restaurant (my family developed and runs an athletic club in downtown Eugene) to have drinks with a few friends and acquantances of mine from high school. It was pretty fun but somewhat exhausting at that point, especially for this introvert. RC hung in like a champ.
12/02/2017
My new love - Part 3
Back to the story...So during RC's visit, we were already thinking ahead to when we would see each other again, and in passing, I mentioned Thanksgiving and my birthday on December 16th. We also had a conversation over the phone about what makes a long-distance relationship sustainable, and one of the main aspects we both mentioned was seeing each other regularly. The last day before he left, we talked a little more about the idea of Thanksgiving. He seemed less than enthusiastic, but as we continued to discuss it, I realized it was because he was worried about trying to put together a full traditional Thanksgiving meal.
One thing I haven't mentioned yet is that he has a thyroid disorder and is on quite a few food restrictions: no dairy, no gluten, etc. It's a little frustrating sometimes, but usually there is something on the menu he can order or adapt to work for him. Once we agreed we would have a "non-traditional" meal, however, I think he relaxed. He definitely wanted me to come see him, and we both were excited as we made plans and the time grew closer.
After I got over the hurdle of doing laundry, packing, etc. and got on the road with my co-pilot, Zoey, it took a little over four hours to get to his house. Arriving and getting settled was the worst part of the trip (I'm noticing a pattern here with me - I think I have anxiety during these kind of transitions). He was finishing cleaning the bathroom when I arrived (!) so was all sweaty and grimy when I arrived. He came out to the car and tried to kiss me through the window - back up, sweaty boy! lol Also, his apartment was very underwhelming. He does know this. He moved there under pressure to find something quickly and considered it "temporary," though he's now been there for two-and-a-half years. It's old with a capital O and run-down looking. The carpet, floors, and fixtures are worn and unattractive. It has an unpleasant smell sometimes in the kitchen and bathroom because he said the plumbing is really old or something. Yeah, it's not good. But what was I going to do? I was a guest and had to make the best of it, so I did. The two dozen roses he gave me did help a little!
Later, after I arrived home, I had feelings come up about it that I had pushed down while I was there, so I talked to him about it. Though it wasn't the most comfortable conversation, he listened and took it in, and then did some self-reflection about why he had settled for a "sub-standard" (his word) home environment for so long. It was a relief for me to express my feelings about it, as well as my thoughts that it didn't fit him or his level of consciousness, so to speak. I am clear within myself that I would be reluctant to visit him again in that place, though I might, and would definitely not ever live there.
Anyway, moving on, the activities and time we spent during my visit were a little affected by the environment but not too much. I arrived on Thanksgiving, so after getting settled, we had a glass of wine and made dinner. It was delicious! He cooked a thick piece of salmon to perfection and made delicious mashed sweet potatoes with ghee (clarified butter). I prepared and roasted some brussel sprouts, and we had gourmet chocolate for dessert. Yum! We watched the movie, "Pets," which was cute, while cuddling and giving each other massage, which seems to be becoming one of our things.
The second day, we went out and walked around downtown Paso Robles, a nearby town, walked through a community craft/art fair that was happening in the town square, and visited a couple of interesting art galleries. When we got back to his house, we had a really deep and meaningful talk that meant the world to me. I shared that I was afraid that my "issues" that come up at times might sabotage our relationship, and he assured me that he was "not going anywhere" and wanted to see where things go with us. It reminded me of the book, "Motherless Daughters," which talks about how someone can come along who is willing to stick it out and get through the triggers that come up around intimacy for women who have lost their mothers. I thought it was interesting the section of that book popped up in my mind.
We sort of "partied" one of the days I was there, but in a somewhat conscious way. We made plans for meaningful activities to do together while we were "feeling good" and did them all, I think. We played a lot of music and made a soundtrack for ourselves. We read a relationship book we had picked up the day before in town and discussed a ritual that would mark our commitment to one another. One ritual, changing our FB status, we completed that evening, and another ritual, getting corresponding tattoos, we may do in the near future. That's definitely a big commitment. A lot of the evening, we sat on the couch drinking red wine and talking and asking each other questions. :)
The next day, we were feeling a little tired but not too bad and went out to a fun brunch. He was being a little "clingy" about me leaving later, but it was cute. After brunch, we came back to the house and took a nap and made love a last time. We are learning more about each other in that area. It's great to experience pleasure, and I think it's an important part of a relationship to share with someone; one that my last relationship did not consistently include. It definitely didn't include all the affection, cuddling, and massage that RC and I share.
Another significant aspect of the trip I want to mention is the interactions of our two beloved pets: his kitty cat, Calvin, and my girl, Zoey. Their initial meeting did not at all go as planned. RC thought that Calvin would be shy and go hide somewhere. Nope. Calvin was very curious! He wanted to see who was this strange creature invading his territory and running around with all this energy? The whole time we were there, he kept an eye on Zoey, wanting to know where she was and what she was doing. A few times, they did come together for a butt sniff or to touch noses, but for the most part, if Zoey tried to come right up to Calvin, he would make a swatting motion with one paw (though I don't think he ever actually scratched her) and she would retreat yelping as though she had been mortally wounded. lol
Whenever I or RC would try and pay attention to Calvin, Zoey would come up and try and be part of the action. Does anyone know what that is? Is she jealous or curious or feeling protective or? It was a little frustrating because I wanted to get to know Calvin better, but for the most part, we were pleased with this first introduction, and they did seem more relaxed as the weekend progressed. We were even able to leave them alone together and they were fine. We noticed they tended to pick up on our energy and if we were super relaxed, like doing a guided meditation together or just relaxed and talking, they would follow suit and plop down all chilled out. lol
We have had some great and progressively deepening conversations since Thanksgiving weekend, and yesterday, we finalized our hotel booking for Christmas in Eugene! Yep, he's coming with me to Oregon, and I'm looking forward to it. Calvin will have a cat sitter but Zoey is coming with us. He's driving up to my house on my birthday, and we are going to decorate a little Christmas tree and drive around looking at lights, two of my favorite activities. Then, we will drive up to Oregon together on Thursday morning before Christmas and return the following Thursday. We will spend about two straight weeks together - including several days with family - which I'm thinking will be a big leap forward for our relationship, assuming we survive. ha
Thus ends my three-part "new love" series, but I will post again for my birthday and our holiday travels. Wishing you all a festive and fun start to the holiday season!
11/28/2017
My new love interest - Part 2
I'm so glad he stayed the extra day because our conversation and connection deepened through the activities of the last day in which we had brunch and drove around to different places where his parents had lived back in the day. I enjoyed the car ride, listening to music and having meaningful conversation about past relationship patterns. I shared about how I can become anxious at times and generously share this anxiety lol by becoming critical or almost picking a fight. He shared more about his first wife who had a pattern of always having some kind of physical ailment that required him to act as a caregiver.
The last night, we slept in the same bed, which was nice. I feel physically comfortable with him and very much enjoy cuddling with him, which my ex, S, and I were never able to do well for various reasons. It's like I'm rediscovering physical closeness and cuddling; I missed it!
The next day, I had to get ready for work but had coffee with him and shared sweet little conversations throughout the morning. As a side note, he really likes Zoey and Zoey loves him, which makes our time easier and more comfortable, as well.
From when he left until before Thanksgiving, we shared several texts throughout the day filled with lovey dovey language and expressions of romance and care. He has consistently written a long, thoughtful text in the morning and in the evening, before bed. I love receiving these! And appreciate his way with words and openness in expressing his feelings. Our texts also end with lots of emoji hearts and kisses - it's that mushy stuff that's annoying unless you're the one doing it. lol
We also had several authentic conversations, helping to know each other more deeply. I shared that I wanted his full attention at times when I am sharing something meaningful, versus how sometimes he multi-tasks, talking with me and cooking or doing dishes, etc., and that I like questions to help me express myself more fully. When we have had tension come up a couple times or one of us feels a little triggered, we have been able to share vulnerably and talk through it. So important and welcome to me!
I'll end Part 2 there, and return later for Part 3...
11/19/2017
My new love interest - Part 1
As you can probably tell by the title, my time with the old friend went even better than imagined. After a bit of a bumpy start when he first arrived, brought his stuff in, and got settled, we progressed into feeling quite comfortable with one another.
The first afternoon/evening, we got something to eat, then I left him to relax as I headed off to my chalice circle group. When I returned, we chatted and caught up then headed to bed. He brought a queen-sized air mattress which we installed in the nursery after moving the changing table to my room to make space. I came in and cuddled some with him in the morning - initially felt a little funny as we had been friends for years when I lived on the central coast but then it was really nice.
Saturday we made some breakfast then walked downtown to explore. It was Veterans Day so we ended up catching the parade from a window table at a corner restaurant, while we grabbed a snack and a drink. I got to see a side of him that is respectfully patriotic and appreciative of our veterans, which I found attractive. He spent several years in the navy so has some experience with the military. We came home and rested for a while.
Somewhere around this time, we talked about it and he decided to stay another day and drive home Monday. Also somewhere around this time we made love. I told him beforehand that if we do become intimate, he can't move to Austin and forget about me! To explain, he has three sons and several young grandkids who live in Austin and, before we reconnected, he was basically planning to move down there and live on the property of one of his sons. But interestingly he found out while he was here that the zoning did not come through as they'd hoped, so there is an indefinite delay...
When we were talking about him coming up to visit, he shared that his parents actually lived in Petaluma for the latter part of their lives. His father passed, then his mother, and since they loved it here, he wanted to spread their ashes in this area (along with his older sister who had passed away a few years ago, as well). He said he would like to have me with him, and I agreed. So on later on Saturday, we drove out to scatter the ashes at a local nature area. Well, not all the ashes because he had scattered some at another location. Anyway, it was a little weird, but also a meaningful experience to share.
To be continued...
The first afternoon/evening, we got something to eat, then I left him to relax as I headed off to my chalice circle group. When I returned, we chatted and caught up then headed to bed. He brought a queen-sized air mattress which we installed in the nursery after moving the changing table to my room to make space. I came in and cuddled some with him in the morning - initially felt a little funny as we had been friends for years when I lived on the central coast but then it was really nice.
Saturday we made some breakfast then walked downtown to explore. It was Veterans Day so we ended up catching the parade from a window table at a corner restaurant, while we grabbed a snack and a drink. I got to see a side of him that is respectfully patriotic and appreciative of our veterans, which I found attractive. He spent several years in the navy so has some experience with the military. We came home and rested for a while.
Somewhere around this time, we talked about it and he decided to stay another day and drive home Monday. Also somewhere around this time we made love. I told him beforehand that if we do become intimate, he can't move to Austin and forget about me! To explain, he has three sons and several young grandkids who live in Austin and, before we reconnected, he was basically planning to move down there and live on the property of one of his sons. But interestingly he found out while he was here that the zoning did not come through as they'd hoped, so there is an indefinite delay...
When we were talking about him coming up to visit, he shared that his parents actually lived in Petaluma for the latter part of their lives. His father passed, then his mother, and since they loved it here, he wanted to spread their ashes in this area (along with his older sister who had passed away a few years ago, as well). He said he would like to have me with him, and I agreed. So on later on Saturday, we drove out to scatter the ashes at a local nature area. Well, not all the ashes because he had scattered some at another location. Anyway, it was a little weird, but also a meaningful experience to share.
To be continued...
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