Long overdue update

Dropping in to say, “hi! I’m still here!” Can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve posted. Lots happening and shifting, including:

Full members of Cohousing community, now! Woo hoo! So excited and am getting to know other members better, both local members and those visiting from other locales who will be moving here. Breaking ground scheduled for end of this month, eek!

RC’s sister visited last week, the twin sister I (and Ellie) had never met. I liked her a lot and feel like we started a friendship. She talks a lot more than RC, so that’s interesting.  I got to know more details about his family and history through her, which in turn makes me feel closer to him. Ellie really liked her, too, and I’m happy to have a new Auntie in her life. Hopefully, we will keep on touch now. 

I think my next post will be all about Ellie, but here are some recent developments…She is so fun, and I see why some parents say, “my sidekick,” because it does feel like that.  She’s my buddy and with me wherever I go, except when she’s sleeping or her dad’s watching her, but most of the time.  :) She’s saying more words now! Not always predictably, but she’s saying more and more, mainly nouns/names for things. And she understands everything, and I’m so impressed with how she can follow multiple-step directions or understand future plans, etc. 

She still LOVES to read and be read to, and is super active and practicing running, walking on tiptoes, dancing, climbing up and down stairs. Can’t take our eyes off her in public places now at all.  Okay better end there, as it’s time for bed but I will try and write more soon. Here’s a recent pic of my baby:

Community Considerations

 I’m coming off yet another Zoom call where I spent tons of time listening to other people and did not feel seen for the whole last half. I dearly wished that the facilitator would have facilitated and structure things a bit more. As awkward as it can be, you have to step in and stop people from talking sometimes. People lose track of time, myself included, when they are venting or sharing things they feel strongly about. For the good of the whole group, which includes the speaker, I think you have to be a little flexible, but then move things along. Unless it’s a deep, wound type of share, which might get more leeway. 

Anyway, argh! So frustrating. I asked a couple questions at a certain point and people jumped in and started answering. I commented on one persons share, as it grew into a conversation, but never got a chance to answer. Anyway, oh well, just had to vent about that. 

The call was a social for families who are members or exploring becoming members of a cohousing community. We are exploring and taking steps to join - very exciting but also scary! The community won’t be built for another year. You have to prequalify for a loan, which we’ve done, and then come up with 20% down, which we cannot do. We are talking to folks about a payment plan and gathering resources that we can come up with. Lots of older members but now families starting to join or consider joining. Thinking of all the benefits for Ellie. 

Anyway, more later, but this is big, and I do wish the call today had been more connecting. Do any of you live in a close-knit community?

Easter Trip to Bend

Haven't posted in quite a while...we just got back from a trip to Bend and took some good pictures, so I thought now would be a good time. :) 

RC's bday was at the beginning of our trip, on the 31st. We packed and drove over that day, so it was kind of tiring. Once we got there we initially planned to go to a cool, new brewery, but it was packed and super busy, as well as being mostly outdoor, casual-type seating. Too much going on and not what we pictured! But we ended up having a nice, yummy dinner, once we found a restaurant downtown that had availability. I had a gluten-free cake made for Rich and bought and wrapped a few gifts and cards from me and Ellie. He seemed to enjoy himself, and his middle son, who he hadn't heard from in a while, called after dinner, which was nice. 

To be honest, some of the trip we had some conflict and difficult conversations. I think we needed to have them though, so the feelings weren't continuing to fester under the surface. I think everyone who gets married brings there own wounds and "stories" into their marriage. A big one of mine is that I need and appreciate certain types of communication from my partner (tuning in to me, asking questions, being excited for me when I have insights or things go well). RC is not a super talkative person. He's an introvert, and he goes inside himself often. I'm an introvert, too, but I like to check-in and have meaningful conversations with my partner regularly. He doesn't seem to need that as much. When I try and ask him to tune in more or ask me questions - show interest and support in specific ways - he feels frustrated and acts defensively, like I'm not accepting him for who he is. 

We both need to let go of some of our "stuff," I think, but we don't totally know how, yet. Through our conversations, however, we did breakthrough, feel closer, and recommit to working on our trust and remembering we love each other and want to be married for the rest of our lives. So that was good, but there were stress and some tears getting there.

On a happier note, Easter was so so fun with Ellie. We weren't sure if she would, but she quickly picked up how to hunt for the eggs we hid for her and was so excited when she found them. She carried around the soft pink bunny basket I bought her on Et$y and placed each egg inside the basket as she found it. She loved the peeps, though RC was watchful that she didn't eat too much (I tend to be a little more laissez faire about eating treats than him), and we put her yogurt disks in some eggs, too. She was too adorable trying to take a bite of the chocolate bunny ears; she clearly loves dark chocolate like her mom and dad! I also found her a wooden 3-car train pull-toy, with a mama duck, baby ducks, and little wooden eggs sitting on it. She pulled that thing all over the house for the rest of the trip. 💗

Our favorite part of the trip, though, was our visit to the High De$ert Museum. We've gone almost every time we come to Bend. To me, it's a perfect blend of outdoor and indoor, cultural information and environmental/biological science displays, interactive exhibits, and real, live creatures, from turtles and reptiles, to raptors, to otters (viewing above and below water) and a porcupine. Plus, they have a cafe with sandwiches, salads, chips, and more, for when you need to sit down and refuel. Ellie was able to walk some of the time this trip and loved exploring and seeing all the interesting habitat and animals.

Now that we're back, there are some interesting developments to take my focus, including the possibility of joining a Cohousing community here in Eugene. We explored this community back before Ellie was born but were then swept up in the tornado of new parenthood and the huge life changes inherent in becoming a family. We definitely were not in a place to move forward financially, then, either. We could still be in a better place, but...we are still exploring the opportunity because: 1. The housing market in Eugene is super tight, with an extremely low inventory; 2. We both love the idea of living in Cohousing, in which you have your own private unit but share a common house (like a community center), garden, some land/resources, and eat regular meals together; 3. Especially as introverts, having a structured, intergenerational community is wonderful, as it can be hard for us to put ourselves out there and build a larger community on our own; and 4. We are bursting at the seams in our current two-bedroom townhouse, and I would like to move somewhere where we can buy and settle in long-term. I love the idea of raising Ellie with a loving extended family, too! We will see what happens.

Lastly, we are finally scheduled to receive our vaccinations! Yay! The rest of my immediate family has already managed to get them, so we are the last in our pod. It will be great to be done with them and feel a little more comfort in getting together with everyone. Hope you are all hanging in there with the Covid scene and are already, or soon will be, vaccinated. Our parenting group is finally meeting up in person, again, at a local playground at the end of this month, so the timing there is great, as well!

A conundrum to be solved

This is a post to help me process my thoughts and feeling around making choices about our leftover embryos...So, as I think I’ve shared, we already donated several embryos to a local infertile couple, and she is now pregnant with boy! Exciting! We don’t feel comfortable donating any more. 

And. We still have several remaining, two of them very high quality. Though we’ve had several helpful sessions with a therapist, I still feel attachment. I want to have closure and move on in the next three months so have come up with a couple of options on which to percolate. I would appreciate hearing your thoughts on these or any other options you can see. 

Option 1: Do one more natural cycle with the two highest quality embryos. No medications other than the trigger shot. Considerably less chance of success than a fully medicated transfer, but still a decent chance. This has a 4K price tag. Do we want another baby? Not necessarily, but I’m sure we would come around to being excited and happy. I would love for Ellie to have a sibling. My worry is taking away from my focus on her. She’s my baby, and I love her beyond comprehension. I don’t want to disrupt our special bond. We also would like to travel, and I’m thinking that would be a lot easier with just the three of us. When I think of trying and potentially being pregnant again, I do feel excited, though! And I’m pretty darn old. 

Option 2: Pick up the remaining embryos and, in a conscious, sacred, and prayerful way, do a home procedure to absorb them inside me. This might sound strange, but it feels more loving and like we’re honoring them than just letting the clinic destroy them. We both feel very sad contemplating this, but it would provide loving closure. 

I would appreciate any feedback or clarifying questions you might have. Will Ellie resent us for not having a sibling, when we had the ability to give her that? If we let go of the embryos, will we have regrets later? Who knew that this technology that helped us have our beloved daughter would also create such a profoundly complex and emotion-laden conundrum. 

15-Months-Old

Christmas was nice, overall. We spent Christmas Eve at my Dad and his fiancee's house, and Christmas at my sister's, as expected. Ellie is the only little kid in the family, but my littlest niece gets pretty excited, too (she's six). Ellie was an active participant this year, walking around, sort of opening presents, and exploring, not a bump on a log, sitting in her car seat. She sure keeps us on our toes now! 

We did stockings at our own house, which is a nice tradition to keep with going forward. Favorite gifts included a Bouncy Bee and a Little People Farm from family friends and Mommy and Daddy's gift of a Fisher Price Noah's Arc (I had one I loved to play with as a child, so this is nostalgic :). Bipa (my Dad) got her/us a Bob stroller; yaaaayyy!! In Oregon's wet weather, those big wheels really come in handy.

Ellie turned 15 months on January 10th! She is so much fun. She now practices walking a lot and can walk backwards, spin in circles, and crawl up and down our stairs (with mom or dad right behind her at this point!). She still loves books and “reads” them on her own, flipping through all the pages. She brings us books to read sometimes now and we read to her at least two or three times a day, including her special bedtime books. 

I recently bought her a few new books, including Llama Llama, Red Pajama. So cute! She makes sad, sympathetic sounds when little Llama is missing his Mama. She even cried once or twice when Llama was calling loudly for his Mama, so RC and I had to make our voices less dramatic and more calm at that part. Thinking that might be related to some developmental step around empathy or relating to book characters more or something?

We took her to her 15-month doctor's appointment last Monday, and the nurse gave her four shots. Boo. She cried, of course, but recovered well. She's around the 80th percentile in head circumference and weight and in the 50th percentile in height. I think she is a strong little girl, and that affects weight, but, also, we are still breastfeeding. 

Crazy to be breastfeeding at this point - and I would never have predicted it - but it's true. I have read that it's recommended women stop breastfeeding by 16 months because babies (I guess they are "tabies" at this point. lol) get more attached to it at that point. Do you all have any thoughts or advice? I admit I still mostly enjoy it, and it can be a nice bonding time together - not to mention an easy and efficient way to comfort her when there is an immediate need. 

On a different, bigger picture, note...crazy events going down at the Capital last week. RC and I have been glued to CNN off and on over the last nine days, and the time is slowly ticking down to the inauguration next Wednesday. From a psychological perspective, I'm fascinated by the back stories, and the sociopolitical dynamics that led up the this scary and terrible event. But on an emotional, human level, I'm horrified this happened and grateful that it wasn't worse. Several people lost their lives, though, and it seems so sad and pointless. I do hope that the silver lining is Trump will be out of the Republican Party and out of politics for good. Stay safe everyone, sending love and good wishes!

p.s. I'm about to enter the world of toddler sensory bins. We don't have a Flisat or sensory table, but, as of today, I have purchased a couple of bins, rainbow rice, corn starch, beans, and various tools for manipulating the materials and for hiding. I'll let you know how it goes soon.

p.p.s. I missed delurking week, but I would love to hear from anyone who is reading. It is encouraging to me. Thank you!

Pre-Birthday and Christmas Musings

Here we are in Holiday Season again, though in, what many argue is, the year from Hell. Terrible opening, I know, but I don't really have much energy today. 😏

We, along with a lot of other people, chose to get our Christmas tree exceedingly early, so we've been enjoying that since just before Thanksgiving. I bought us some very cute Christmas stockings off Etsy. I'm not disappointed with the aesthetics, at all, but I can't help but compare them to the stockings we had growing up with were bigger and softer and just as cute, if not more. Oh well. I really like looking at them hanging on our mantle, reminding me that I have my OWN FAMILY now! I have wanted my own family (a husband, a child, or both) for most of my adult life and at the mid-century point, I have both a husband and darling daughter (plus two pets). Pretty amazing, really, and I'm very grateful. 

Honestly, though, I must admit my husband is getting on my last nerve at the moment. Sometimes, he can be judgmental and try and fix things, versus be understanding and compassionate, but he won't own that. He will respond with something like, "I'm sorry I'm not saying things the way YOU want me to say them!" Argh! So simplified and not responding to my specific comment or request. 

Anyway...overall, I am very grateful. :) We went to my Aunt and Uncle's house yesterday to make Christmas cookies, and Ellie was able to spend a little time with her cousin, playing with dolls and toddling around the house exploring all the new and different decorations - and causing Mommy to run over and save a decoration or two at times, but it was pretty cute. This Aunt is my Mother's sister (my mom who passed away when I was four), and I've missed seeing her this last year. 

As a side note, I know everyone has their own level of comfort with risk, and beliefs about COVID policies. I wear a mask and believe in following guidelines and policies, but, when it comes to close family, I'm of a little different mind. Maybe because I experienced the death of a parent so young or because I've experienced multiple other family deaths of people with whom I was close, but you never know when it will be the last time or the last holiday or the last year with someone. And no, I don't want to put them at risk, but you have to weigh the level of risk on each side. As for me, I want to spend potentially the last few holiday visits with my father and my Aunt, and I want them to know Ellie and for there to be memories and pictures of Ellie with them for her to look back on and treasure. That matters to me a lot and is worth the small level of increased risk versus isolating. We are washing hands, using sanitizer, cleaning surfaces, and it was a fairly small group yesterday. Others would strongly disagree, and I respect that, but to me, it is worth it.

My birthday is Wednesday, and I don't think we are going to get together with others for that, so probably get some yummy dinner in and do cake and presents as a little family. Christmas Day, those of us in my immediate local family agreed we wanted to do Christmas morning and opening stockings on our own, in our own houses, then we will likely get together at my sister's house to open presents and have dinner. These are the folks that have been periodically gathering together all along this year, so you could call us a "pod" at this point.  

I have almost all my Christmas shopping done; the vast majority online, which is a little weird. We bought Ellie her first table and chair, which are Montessori design and fit together in a cute, space-saving way. I also found a Play-skool Noah's Arc, which has a nostalgic meaning to me, as I had a similar arc I loved to play with at my Grammy's when I was little. Additionally, we actually bought a princess tent with glow-in-the-dark stars for my young niece, but my brother told me she already has one so we are giving it to Ellie. The more I think about it, I believe she will love it! A couple other little things, but those are the main presents for her. I'm as excited for her to get gifts as I am to get my own, if not more!

I'll end this disjointed post by sharing a little about Ellie's current developments...she is walking and even semi-running (walking quickly?) everywhere and does this adorable thing where she puts her arms down and turns them up behind her like she's holding a cape and walks one direction, turns around, walks the other direction, turns around, etc. So cute! She has recently climbed all the way up our fairly steep stairs, so that's something we now child proof with a gate when she's out of the blocked-off living room area. She still loves exploring and reading books and delicately flips through the pages of her books on her own, sometimes talking in a certain character voice from that book. 

She also babbles to herself like she's pretending or talking in character sometimes when playing with toys or animals. She says a few words (num-num for food and boobs, mama and mommy, dada and daddy, meow, neigh, bah for ball, and then she'll repeat things I say one time but usually won't repeat herself again), and it feels like she'll take off talking at any moment. We can't get enough of her dancing; she bops up and down in the most endearing way. We danced a lot when she was extra fussy/colicky as a tiny baby and her father and I met each other through a dance group, so she has dancing in her bones. 

I plan to try and blog a little more. When I do write, it seems I have quite a bit to say, and I think writing is grounding for me. I am currently working with four clients, the most I've had since moving to Oregon, and that is grounding, too, actually, to exercise my professional self. 

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and/or Happy Holidays to All! Sending lots of love and hope you have some joy coming your way as this crazy year comes to an end.

Embryo donation update

Sooo, big news! As I shared a few months ago, we made the weighty decision to donate embryos to a local infertile couple, after reading their profile, exchanging messages, and meeting with them. 

Since that time, I’ve had some feelings come up around my attachment to the embryos, related to my long and complex journey to become a mother. But, bottom line, before we donated them, we thought long and hard about it and decided we wanted to give them a chance to develop and wanted Ellie to have the opportunity for an - albeit untraditional - sibling-type relationship. Nobody promised us it would always be easy. 

In any case, coming back around to the big news, the local couple is 15 weeks pregnant with a boy!! And I’m (mostly) excited!! Yes, I spontaneously and inadvertently broke down crying the other evening when RC made a comment comparing how he felt about the two pregnancies. No. Comparisons. Please. But that doesn’t mean I have any regrets, and my overall feeling is excitement. 

I’ve taken to calling him “little fella,” as in, “I wonder how the little fella’s doing?” etc. I feel fondness for him, and I think that’s a good thing. So, that’s my big news! Happy Thanksgiving! 🦃🍁 

Microblog Monday - Political worry

RC made a comment yesterday about feeling worried regarding repercussions of election results. I asked him why and he mentioned the situation in Texas where the Biden/Harris bus was surrounded by Trump supporters, as well as other clashes and demonstrations. I also think about the MI kidnapping plot and the toxic chemicals sent in the mail. There are some unbalanced people out there. I like to think that the majority of folks, while they may be unhappy about the results, would still accept them and remain civil. Are you worried? RC has to work tomorrow, so I’ll be watching the results alone and likely doing a lot of texting. 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

Ellie is One!

I'm going to cheat again and share our FB one-year-old birthday post to update on her latest developments:

Ellianna is 1-year-old! We had an amazing family party for her last Saturday in a private room at RR Pizza and took her on two carousel rides; meaningful for us because we all went on this carousel when R's son, J, and his family were visiting us last Christmastime, and the three of us went on a fantastical carousel in Victoria a year ago last March. Ellie has stood for long periods and even taken a step or two to traverse distances but not officially walked yet, unless you count with the new musical walker Mommy and Daddy got her. It's coming soon! She got her first haircut shortly before her birthday, sitting in a yellow taxicab barber chair and playing with a couple of combs the nice lady gave her, which she loved. She's been brushing her teeth with Mommy for a while now - 8 teeth at last count. And she loves to climb on and over both of us and any furniture in which she can get a toehold, making a dash across the bed, only to be pulled back by her legs while she laughs hysterically. Because of this, after her birthday, we decided she needed some foam climbing blocks, so she's exploring those now! She started pointing just before her birthday and clapping just after. She still loves her fruit, especially grapes, and eats a hearty meat and veggie dinner regularly now, too. Oh, she said "mama" on Daughter's Day and is making more and more complex-sounding words and sentences, and though we often know what she's saying, other people probably wouldn't. She had her 1-year doctor's appointment with shots, which were terrible and made us all upset, as usual, but we got some great news that she grew almost two inches in the last three months! Her height, weight, and head circumference are all on the same page now. She is really really strong, and we both feel she will be athletic and successful in whatever physical sport or activity she chooses. She can't get enough of figuring out straps, zippers, and how things are put together in general. So fun to watch her! It's been a busy month. We love you more than words can say, Ellie! Our little 1-year-old 💗 

Ellie's been sick the last few days, and I'm running on fumes. I also had to give the feature presentation in my BNI networking group earlier today (it went fine, in spite of my low energy). We took her to the doctor's afterwards, and he said that it could be the vaccinations, or teething, or a cold or virus (praying it's not the dreaded Coronavirus, but it doesn't seem to be), or a combination. We've been pretty insular, but, of course, RC works in a hotel, and we did have her private-room family bday party at the pizza parlor on the 10th. 

Timing-wise, it seems to me to be caused by her vaccines, though the doctor said he felt molars coming in. Whoa! I knew she was getting more teeth next to her four on the bottom, but I didn't know about molars budding. Anyway, I think teething is probably contributing. Poor girl, I feel so bad for her - and I admit her whiny fussing and crying for longer periods is driving me crazy. We have been alternating Tylenol and Motrin, and that does seem to help. The doctor said to keep track of her symptoms and fever, and to check back in on Monday. If she's still running a fever regularly, then they will do a panel of tests. Please send prayers and good thoughts that she feels better.

Here are some of my favorite pictures from her birthday and, most recently, a local excursion wearing her cousins' hand-me-down pumpkin costume. I love the fall, but RC has been feeling a little down as we change seasons. For me, the holidays are something I look forward to, and I love the lights and festivities. He's not as gung ho. I guess so much of our feelings around events are related to our past history. I hope he can come to feel more positive as time goes on and we make family memories. We are going to Bend for a few days the second week of November, which should be fun, and I look forward to seeing how it will be with her likely walking. She's sooo close to tearing off across the floor but as of now, walks with her walker, along furniture and walls, and has taken just a couple steps between these things. So cute!

Almost One!

 I can't believe Ellie will be one in 10 days! Eek, I'm not ready! She has been feeling more like a mix of a toddler and a baby lately, though she's still not walking/toddling, yet. Here's her 11-month FB update - sorry for my laziness, but I'll add some details...

"Our little Ellie turned 11-months on the 10th, and we finally took her monthly photos. Only one month left of these, thank God, because, at this point, it’s like wrangling a tiger to get her in place. She’s sooo close to taking her first steps unassisted! She crawls, stands, and cruises like a champ, and continues to get into everything she possibly can. And, super fun for Mommy and Daddy, she dances! Her little up and down bop is adorable and sometimes she wiggles with lots of energy. She got to play with quite a few kids this month: her niece/cousins and nephew/cousins in Austin and her cousins in Eugene. She loves watching cars race around a track! as well as her books, eating fruit/oatmeal/toast and pb/meat and veggies/bread, crawling through her tunnel, playing her drum, exploring, and going for the cat dish. One year birthday coming up! We love you so much, Ellie!!!"

I'll add that I am enjoying hanging out with her at breakfast so much. She loves fruit like her mommy, especially bananas and strawberries, and now grapes are a hit, as well. R doesn't eat fruit and is less enthusiastic about it because of his views on sugar. To me, if it's in fruit, with all the vitamins that fruit delivers, it's okay. Nothing like its white sugar counterpart. Anyway, she loves her applesauce pouches, too, and will suck on one of those or munch on fruit while I get something else prepared, usually peanut butter toast, bagel, waffles, and/or eggs (she like hers over easy :), then we sit together contentedly munching on our breakfast and enjoying each others company. I might check out some news on my phone. I hand her her water cup periodically, then take it back when she's done before it flies onto the floor, lol. It's a nice time of the day. 

Also fun: I always spend a couple half hour period in focused play with her on the floor, which is so different than when I'm splitting my attention trying to get little chores done or read something on my phone, etc. It feels good to just totally focus on play with her. There are usually other times, too, but I make sure to get a couple of good chunks of focused play in. 

Walks are really nice now, as well, and she has faced forward in her stroller for quite a while now. She loves looking around and observing all the beautiful plants, trees, and flowers in our neighborhood, as well as the birds and occasional squirrel or butterfly. Oh, and the people. She's a huge people watcher and can be a big flirt. She loves flirting with the servers when we go out to eat, and if they want a tip, they flirt with her back (jk). They usually do and comment on how cute she is and how her gaze can be very intense; one said it was like she was looking into your soul. :) But back to walks, it's a nice time for Mommy, too, because, in addition to enjoying nature and enjoying her enjoying nature, I can get some emails out if needed or make a call, etc. She often takes her morning nap on our walk but doesn't fall asleep until near the end lately, so I end up walking back and forth on our street or the driveway through our complex, then squatting next to her in our carport and reading the news on my phone. 

Speaking of phone, I guess it's not surprising that she always goes for our phones, since clearly they are a big part of our lives. I think she'll get a toddler version for her birthday, so that should be fun. We have planned a "Little Blue Truck" birthday with close family at a local pizza parlor, fingers crossed that COVID doesn't interferes, as it's threatening, too (cases have been on the rise locally). It's hard to balance the desire to give her a fun and connected family experience and also be conservatively safe. The people we've invited are observing protocols, so as of now, I feel the benefits outweigh the risks. I bought some really cool farm animal and Blue Truck balloons we will inflate with helium, a banner, fun personalized cups, theme napkins, a regular cake with a frosting toad and wooden Blue Truck cake topper, and a fun little banana-flavored smash cake with her name in rainbow letters. We have bought some presents (ahem, too many) I'm excited to give her - new toys, yay! R says I want new toys for me as much as her, and it's true! Mommy gets bored, too, lol. 

R's new job has started well. He's still tired, as he had to stop using Daddy's little helper to sleep (thc/cbd), since they tested at the new job. Hopefully, he can go back soon, because Daddy is, understandably but annoyingly and sometimes abrasively, crabby with lack of sleep. Boo. 

I have a few career counseling clients and continue to enjoy using that part of my brain, again. It's tough to set boundaries and get work done at home, but I can do it at night when she's asleep, if needed, and R watches her during client sessions. 

That's all for now, since Little Miss is up. The season has turned, it seems, and we are heading into Fall. And elections...guess that's a topic I'll talk about another time (Debate? What?! Barf). Happy Ellie's Birthday Month!

10+ Months!

 Thought I’d share her 10-month update I posted on FB...not finding much blogging time right now. When Ellie’s awake, I need to be watching and retrieving her regularly! 😄 

“Our beautiful Ellie turned 10-months-old on August 10th! Less than two months until her 1st birthday! 🎈She’s super active and loves getting into everything off limits - a little explorer who wants to experience everything and figure out how it works. 

She has five teeth, and if you look closely at one of the pictures below, you can see her two cute top teefers. She likes brushing her new teeth with Mommy every morning before our walk. 

Breakfast is her favorite meal, and she’s a fruit lover, as well as loving oatmeal, peanut butter toast, and waffles. But she wants to taste whatever Mom and Dad are having. 

We took our first trip to Bend as a family, and other firsts included playing in her kiddie pool and taking a bath in the big bathtub. 

She loved playing with her cousins this month and, when we go out, sitting up like a big girl in high chairs and facing forward in her stroller. 

She waves bye bye and gives the best kisses and cuddles. We love you so much, Ellie! 🥰“

On the Move

Well, life is become very interesting over here at our household. Ellie is now crawling, sometimes at an alarmingly rapid pace, as well as standing up and beginning to cruise edges of furniture, including her pack and play.

It’s pretty funny to wake up in the morning and see her little face poking over the edge of the pack and play right next to our bed! She’s on the move all the time now, and there is no stopping her. It becomes kind of a game of how to keep her safe, contained, and  entertained. We recently bought one of those playyards, so we can use that as another, more expansive option if we can’t constantly be on her tail.

Our decision to move forward as a three person, triangle family has definitely been a journey, but I feel clear now, as does RC. Letting the embryos go will still be very sad, but mediated by the excitement of our local recipient family moving forward with their transfer at the end of August.

I think I’ll need to devote a an entire post to this later, but I’ll just say that I strongly disagree and I am sad and frustrated with our clinics policies around their donors. There are many, many half siblings out there, and we just can’t even fathom nor deal directly with that right now. She is our unique, little daughter, who I developed and grew inside of me. It helps me to say this affirmation: I am yours, you are mine, together till the end of Time. Anyway, it’s enough to have dealt with donating our embryos right now.

Having embraced our triangle family status, I am reflecting on the next “big goal” or goals I/we want to set in my/our life/lives. Did any of you go through this after having a child? Ttc was so much of my purpose and life meaning off and on over the last decade plus and, as much as Ellie gives my life meaning and fills it with love, I still need to be working towards something. Travel, further training, thinking about a mom/daughter tattoo. I’m not sure yet.

Summer here is hot!! No AC and lots of fans, and it’s hard to sleep. Other areas have it much worse, I know. What is your summer (and ongoing pandemic) focus?

Summer 2020 Transitions

I’m squatting against the wall in our carport as Ellie sleeps in her stroller, trying to give her the longest nap possible! Still loving these walks in our beautifully landscaped neighborhood.

It’s been a while since I have posted...the days slip by quickly, and free time is a hot commodity. Ellie goes to bed around 8:30, so that gives us an hour and a half or so to talk and/or watch our TV show and just chill. I have two clients now (yay!), so I’ve also had some work to do prepping for career sessions or typing follow up emails, including resources we’ve discussed. It feels great, though, to be using that part of my brain again.

Ellie is doing amazing! I can’t believe how big she’s gotten! And she is super active right now, never sitting still; backwards crawling, rolling, and scooting all over the floor. No leaving her unattended now. We’ve started the baby proofing of edges and outlets, but there are still precarious positions and places she can maneuver in to. Crawling seems just around the corner - yikes! She’s not saying lots of words yet, but babbling lots of sounds and vocalizations and screeches. 🙂 She has said Dada, however, and gah and gi, nee nee, a few times bah, but we’re still waiting on Mama. Trying not to take that personally. lol

We’re still exclusively breast feeding but are, just now, running out of the donor milk we’ve used to supplant our end of day feedings. I’d love to make it exclusively to 9 months before introducing formula, and I intend to keep breast feeding until one year. 🤞🏼 We feed her fruit, and sometimes cereal, in the morning, and veggies in the late afternoon or early evening. I’d like to introduce meat and some real food at nine months - we’ve let her try baguette type bread, but that’s about it. When did you all introduce more complex foods, if you’ve raised a little one through this time period? She does love taking drinks of our fizzy water, which is so cute. She pretty much wants to do anything we’re doing, and she’s very much a little techie, going for our phones, iPads, or remote controls whenever possible.

The biggest and most challenging transition I am going through right now (and to a lesser extent, RC) is completing the process of transferring our donor embryos to the local recipient couple we’ve with whom we’ve connected. She’s going down to the clinic we used for the transfer, and this whole thing came up about us allowing the clinic to release the donor information. I want to give the recipients the information, but I wanted to be one to do it. The feelings that came up led to some helpful continued processing with the therapist RC and I are seeing to work through decisions around how we handle our remaining embryos. She validated my feelings, and reflected how loooong I’ve been on a journey to have a child and all the hoops I and we have gone through to get here. If or when I definitively close the door on having any more children, it’s a huge step in my life. Regarding the clinic situation, they ended up sending all the information to me (some of it I had but two pictures I didn’t 😠) and, after sitting with it for a few days, I plan to share it all with the recipients later today. That feels okay to me. I do want the best for them and absolutely wish them success.

Little one is waking up, so I’ll post this now. Sending love to everyone in this strange time.

Observations and Personal Developments in the Time of Pandemic

Helloooo from out here in social isolation! I have clearly not been posting much lately, but felt inspired to write at least a little something today. Baby is swinging nearby, babbling and squealing and grunting away so we’ll see how far I get. I wanted to share two things today, one observational and one more personal. The first one is that I’m seeing that this pandemic is hitting different groups and individuals in our society differently. Because I’m in online communities with folks from all over the country in different walks of life - granted most of them mothers - I hear a variety of these perspectives.

Obviously, basic survival needs are forefront in how people are affected at this time… If you suddenly can’t work or can work considerably less, and you depend on that paycheck month to month, the impact can get scary very quickly. If you have children suddenly home and demanding attention and that you put on a teaching hat, that can be intense and exhausting. On the other side of the spectrum, some people are reading, doing projects, or getting outside more. Spending more time with family.

Through it all, we are bombarded with media stories about sickness and death, sometimes even hit with personal tragedy and loss, related to this pandemic. It’s scary and sad and our frontline health workers are heroes through it all. If you’re in business or refinancing to find needed cash flow, bankers and finance folks can be heroes, too. My sister in law works in banking, and she has never worked so hard or been so exhausted as in these last few weeks of administering the PPP business loan program. My brother and sister are fighting to keep the family business afloat, which includes an athletic club. Anyway, I’m seeing impacts and new realities all across the spectrum, to a lesser and greater extent.

Us, personally? We are okay at the moment. Experiencing more stress and some financial hardship for sure, but doing okay. RC has his “essential” job at the airport. His schedule changes every day, which is a pain in the you know what, but we’re grateful he still has a job. I have some days where anxiety and exhaustion overwhelms me due to, well, lack of sleep, as well as change-related stress. So much changing and so many people to worry about! Ellie keeps me coming back to her sweet little face and all the ways she’s growing and changing - from sitting up, to eating new foods, to trying to figure out how everything works, and her love of books. I love waking up to her every day❤️ and breastfeeding and baby cuddles can be very soothing and nurturing. RC and I are working well as a team, and I’m so grateful for my little tribe at this time.

I have something else going on that is serving as a meaningful distraction...seeking a recipient family for our remaining embryos. We think we’ve found the perfect couple here in Eugene! We connected with them through the Mir@cles W@iting site. She is a social worker and he’s a chemist, 35 and 39 respectively, and she’s been through a lot of heartbreaking unsuccessful infertility treatments, including two failed IVFs. Our emails so far have been warm, open, and hopeful, and we look forward to an in-person video call with them on Tuesday. I’ll share more as the situation develops. We really want Ellie to have a sibling relationship and, since we aren’t planning to have another child, this could give her that gift, while it gives the gift of a child to this couple. Hoping for good things.

That’s it for now. Sending care and hope that your situation is tenable or improving. This is definitely a crazy and surreal time.

Surreal

Thought I’d write a quick post to check in in these surreal and anxiety-provoking times. Hope you and your loved ones are safe. We are doing okay, though I do feel nervous about RC working at the airport and being in Chicago right now at a training. Really? Right now?

I’m starting to feel more like “hunkering down,” so I’m glad he gets home tonight and doesn’t have to work tomorrow. I have a couple of career counseling clients right now, but not too much on my plate outside of caring for Ellie.

I walked to the pharmacy and grocery store yesterday, and it was eerie how few people and cars were there compared to normal. More than I expected at TJs, actually, but I guess people are still in “stocking up” mode. There was definitely tension in the air.

Then, I made the mistake of reading an article about the statistics that apparently caused Trump and others to get on the same, more extreme, shut-down page. Without extreme measures, the consequences become much more extreme. Yikes.

Anyway, personally, we are doing okay at the moment, though definitely worried about business folks and elders in the family, as well as folks trying to navigate kids being out of school. How about you?

The Joys of Breastfeeding

There really is tremendous joy in breastfeeding. I couldn't imagine doing it very well before Ellie was born, but now that she's here, I'm proud and happy that I can feed her and share that physically connected time with her. I've learned that some women are not able to breastfeed, even when they really want to and try their hardest, so I don't take it for granted. Additionally, I know that formula nourishes a baby well, also.

I don't know if I've mentioned this, but Ellie can really be the most adorable goofball, and this trait can show up during breastfeeding. Early on, she would do this little routine where she would be interacting with the breast as though it was it's own entity, and she was being sort of dramatic and pushing it around - like, you're my breast and I can do what I want kind of thing. lol She will now grab my shirt and pull back and forth roughly, like a 30's gangster or something, when she's frustrated with milk flow. She will also start grunting to express her frustration, which is my favorite sound she makes (no).

When she's hungry and super pleased with her breast and how it's flowing, she coos and makes happy sounds - I love it! Having her warm little body lying against me and little sucking feeling as she feeds is very sweet. I will breastfeed while watching TV in the afternoon for an extended session, while she does "non-nutritive," as labeled by the lactation consultant, sucking.

Along the way, I've also discovered the downsides to breast feeding, which include milk supply. As an older mother, I guess this is more commonly an issue. It took a while for my supply to come in at the beginning, and we supplemented with donor milk, but then the supply came in and looked good for a while, then recently has not quite met the need again. It's super frustrating. I never thought I would sit there squeezing the life out of my boobs and not have a care for how it feels to me, just praying they produce a little more milk.

This usually happens later in the day, and the lactation consultant told us it's fine to supplement a little with formula in the evening. I'd rather not until six months, so, as we are getting down to the last couple bottles of donor milk we bought initially, I'm considering buying more. If we incorporate formula, I hope to mix it with pumped milk in the evening.

The other downside that has kicked my butt off and on is clogged milk ducts. They are the worst. A big lump develops in your breast, like a rock, and you're supposed to massage it hard. Ouch! I've managed to work them out every time with hot showers, massage, and gravity feeds, but this last one required a needle.

WTF! you say. Let me explain... A couple of "blebs," as they call these little milk blisters, had formed on my right breast, and I developed a clogged duct. For the first time, I started feeling flu-like symptoms indicative of an inflammatory process. After reading about it on Google, of course, I called the lactation consultant who determined I did not have mastitis. She told me I had to sterilize a needle and puncture the blebs so milk could get through. Yeah, that's as fun as it sounds, though a little less painful than I'd feared. After trying a couple times, it worked, thank God. Such a relief.

I will say that I think it's all worth it for me, and I'm going to try and continue for at least another several months. Ellianna turned four months on February 10th! I will write about her four-month doctor's appointment coming up this Friday, as well as our Parenting Now group, in my next post.

Happy New Year!

Thank you sooo much to those of you that commented when I was feeling sad and vulnerable. I really appreciate it, and it very much helped!

I rarely have much time to post now because of Little Miss, but I wanted to share a few memorable happenings from the holidays:

RC's oldest son from Texas came to visit with his wife and four (!) kids, ages 4-years up to 12-years AND, at the last minute, his youngest son came down from Portland and stayed two nights on our floor. The family stayed in an airbnb but hung out at our quite small townhouse for a good portion of the time. That was interesting, especially considering the 4-year-old is very energetic! But we loved seeing his sons and grandkids (my grandkids, too? eek!) meet and interact with Ellie. I am so happy these relatives are in her/our lives. I feel she is a little more secure in life with more folks who love her. :)

We went to my Dad's and fiance's house for Christmas eve and had a delicious prime rib and crab dinner. I breastfed her at the table again and am getting comfortable with doing that whenever needed - with family, at restaurants, in the car. lol

Christmas morning, after an impromptu visit from RC's family (we had plans to spend time with them in the afternoon), we went to my sister's house. I was so proud of Ellie and how she was able to hang out in her car seat for a good amount of time. I fed her once (my family takes a long time to open gifts!) and was still able to participate and watch my nieces and nephew and the rest of the family open their gifts, which I'd been a little worried about. It was a great morning, and my family liked their gifts and gave some special gifts to Ellie, too, which was fun. Christmas afternoon and evening we spent with RC's family and made a delicious standing rib roast for dinner.

I will say it was challenging to be in the role of both hosting out-of-town guests and participating in local family gatherings. It would have been great to combine both, but we couldn’t host that huge group here, and it would have been a big stretch for my sister to do it, also. In any case, she didn’t offer, and I didn’t think I should ask. I did feel it out indirectly, and it was clear that would be a no go. So we tried to both spend as much time with his family as possible AND participate in local family activities, which was hectic at times. We did it though, and overall, Ellianna’s first Christmas was wonderful.

New Year’s was nothing special in and of itself, but we are doing some reflecting and goal setting that I think will be meaningful. I, and I think RC, are doing the 101 goals in 1001 days that Risa posted about recently on her blog. One goal is to find a fairly close part time job in Eugene, hopefully within the next few months. On reflection, working from home with the baby is just totally unrealistic for me, unless we were able to afford in-home care. In the meanwhile, and likely concurrently, I will continue to attend my business networking group and be open to new career counseling clients.

On New Year's Eve, we reflected back to when we became engaged last year. Then, we spent New Year's Day at a beautiful light house and beach location on the Oregon coast and have some wonderful memories. I can’t believe so much has happened in a year!

Lastly, I’ll share that embryo donation has been at the forefront of my mind lately. I have struggled with wanting to try again with our remaining embryos, but we don’t feel it’s  realistic for us right now, unless something changed. So, we are now considering embryo donation, as well. It’s interesting to look at profiles now from a totally different angle, after looking at various profiles from an infertility lens.

 I’ll leave you with a couple pictures of Ellie and family taken over the holidays. Happy New Year!

Sad

I guess since my blog is about being real and living an authentic life, I’ll share that I feel really sad that no one commented on Ellie’s birth story post. It’s weird, I almost feel like it’s a rejection or lack of caring about her, which intellectually I know is not true, but it’s interesting watching the feelings that come up. I’m not sure what else to say on this right now but will continue to reflect. Needless to say, if you feel moved to make any comment on her birth story, I would feel happy and grateful.

Birth Story

I totally understand now why other bloggers have gone for months before they post their birth stories. Our reality is so different now, and my time and energy is much more limited. I’d like to save the memory and story on my blog, though, so here is a rough version anyway…

Our birth date was planned because of me being higher risk due to my age but also the polyhydramnios that happened in the third trimester. So, my doctors scheduled me for a C-section at 39 weeks.

We went into the hospital at 5 AM on October 10, as instructed, and I was registered and checked in in one of the hospital rooms. I guess this isn’t normally done in those rooms, but the smaller check in rooms were unavailable or something. The nurse checking me in then attempted to place an IV, but it was a total fail. She tried twice, but it wouldn’t flow, and it hurt so bad I almost screamed. I then said I was not going to go through a third try with her, and they called the IV therapy nurse who was much more skilled.  She had no problem placing it on the first try.

Then, I was visited by doctors, first the anesthesiologist who I initially thought was a little quirky and could’ve had more warmth or compassion, but he turned out to be pretty awesome, which I’ll share later. Then I was visited by my primary maternal fetal medicine doctor, and she was her normal upbeat, kind and jovial self.  She always manages to instill confidence and normalize what you’re going through, which was great at that time.

We found out that the cesarean would be done by both her and the head of the maternal fetal medicine department, who we had met with before and had basically trained and mentored her. He was on call that shift, and she came in special, so they teamed up, which made us feel very secure and well cared for.

Prior to her visit, though, the nurses hooked me up for a final stress test. Stress tests were definitely not my favorite test in the third trimester. They are so uncomfortable and it seems like my girl would always be moving around a lot and they would lose her heartbeat and have toStart over or go longer and I just felt she was pushed around inside me in the process, which I hated. Anyway, this time the machine stopped recording for some unknown reason so they had to go longer but finally got what the doctor needed.

Once all that was done with, I would say the rest of the procedure flowed smoothly and really was a positive, powerful experience for us overall. They wheeled me back to the OR, and RC had to wait in the hallway while they prepped me. He said it seemed like forever that he was waiting. From my perspective, the doctors and staff in the OR worked like a large, well oiled machine, with multiple smaller groups in different parts of the room.

The anesthesiologist gave me a spinal, and that was a little uncomfortable because I had to hunch over like a turtle for a bit of time while he injected it in the specific place it needed to go between the vertebrae. Both he and my doctor were coaching me, however, so I felt supported and it didn’t hurt badly.  When the spinal anesthesia kicked in, it was the craziest feeling. The lower half of my body was total deadweight, and I couldn’t have moved if my life depended on it. I just felt like my legs were hanging there kind of splayed so that was weird, but I trusted the doctors and basically surrendered to the procedure at that point.

Around that time, RC was let in the room, and I was very glad to see him. They put up the curtain in front of me. I remember having some anxiety, and the anesthesiologist suddenly became my best friend. He was super calm and reassuring and best of all kept me informed of everything that was happening as it happened. I truly felt like he was coaching me through the process.

Next comes the best part… I knew the doctors were about to cut into me, so I was very tuned in to feeling any sensation whatsoever, but I never did. She tested first before pinching or poking me or something, and I didn’t react at all. Anyway, I knew they had begun, but I didn’t know  exactly where they were in the timeline, until I heard the head doctor guy, who is a really big, bald former basketball player, by the way, so you have an image, say, “Hi there, Cutie!” Oh my heart. I knew at that point that they had cut into the uterus and could actually see her.  Sorry if that grosses anyone out, but to me it was so beautiful.

Next thing we knew they were taking her out and my doctor held her up and said, “Hi, Mama!” I immediately started sobbing. It was overwhelming and so incredibly beautiful. I definitely loved her immeasurably right away. RC and I were both overcome with joy and love, and I babbled, “I love her so much! She’s so beautiful! etc.”

Because of the polyhydramnios,  a representative from the NICU had to take her briefly over to make sure her airway was clear, which it was. RC went over with him and cut the cord. They lifted part of the curtain for me so  I could see that happening, which I felt grateful about. Then they brought her over to me and put her on my chest. Queue more overwhelmed weeping of awe and love.

Of course, we saw when my doctor  lifted her out that she had a head full of dark hair. I thought all along that I wanted a more bald baby but when I saw her, I could not have imagined anything different. She was perfect. And I love her hair so much, we both do. We play with it all the time, and it’s so soft.

After I held her for a while, and the doctors were stitching me up, we all moved back into the recovery room. I’m trying, but I can’t remember a lot about that time period. Probably, in large part, because I was on pain meds at that point and dozing off and on a little, totally blissed out with her on my chest.  know I held her for a lot of it, but they also cleaned her off and weighed and measured her, which RC accompanied her for. After her measuring on the big side in our ultrasounds and the doctor predicting her weight at around 9 pounds, we were surprised when she came out at 7 lbs. 15 oz.

I will write more about our hospital stay later but will post this much now..,

She’s Here!

She’s here! 🎉😍👶

"Ellie"
Arrived Thursday, October 10th, 8:04am by cesarean section
7lbs 14oz (NOT Nine or 10 pounds as predicted by the ultrasound/doctors 🙄), 19 inches long, lots of hair! ❤️❤️❤️
Mommy, Daddy, and Ellie were in the hospital until Monday, October 14th.
Now working on breast-feeding and helping Ellie gain weight; not so easy to say the least.

Birth story to follow later…