Success and Enlightenment

OMG!  Blogger just ate a long post with several links.  Aaaaargh!

Maybe the universe is telling me something.

In brief: great day yesterday, which included a successfully facilitated Transition Heart and Soul meeting at my house and an enlightening conversation with sh/cm.

In my meeting, I facilitated a Theatre of the Oppressed exercise in which we created images or tableaus of the Transition movement.

And in my conversation with sh/cm, we came to a couple of key understandings, including that I wanted us to be on the same page when we came out of family gatherings.  I wanted us to be supportive of one another, share humor and commentary, and just generally have a feeling of togetherness.

This may sound like a tall order, but he was actually relieved, because he thought I wanted him to be some sort of family therapist for me. lol

p.s. On the two-week-wait front, nothing much is happening.  My temperature dropped several tenths to 97.9 today, 11 dpo, but it was chilly and I was partially covered.  Boobs are still sore but not feeling much of anything else.

Ho Hum

So I definitely don't know if this cycle was successful.  Honestly, I'm thinking, "No."

I know it's early, but I have had no real signs or cramping or whatever.  My boobs are sore, but they seem to be sore every cycle around this time now.

The funny thing is, I haven't been focusing on it that much or feeling amped up about it.

Maybe the trip to Oregon and challenges with sh/cm have stolen my focus up to now.

Today is actually 9 dpo, not yesterday, as initially reported.  But I think Fertility Friend may be off by a day on ovulation.

Tomorrow will bring more activities to steal my attention in the form of an NVC workshop in the late afternoon, and a Transition Town Heart and Soul potluck and meeting at my house in the evening.

I'm also kind of excited to develop a website showcasing my career counseling services.

But the two-week-wait, whereas usually it's doing high kicks on center stage, right now it's just. . . ho hum.

Am I Crazy?

I want to write about something I'm struggling with regarding sh/cm.  I've mentioned it in prior posts, but I want to talk about it in a little more detail.

As those of you who have been reading for a while know, the beginning of our relationship was a bit complicated due to a trip he took to London.  On this trip, he spent some time with his ex-wife and they discussed her coming to California a few months later to stay for a month or two and see if they might want to try a relationship again.

Well, as the story continued to unfold: I agreed to date him (and theoretically other people too) even though that door was open with her; we spent more time together and became closer; and he decided to commit to a relationship with me.  She lives in England and this hasn't been a problem. . . until I found out recently that he had talked to her a couple times recently and not told me, and that she was coming out to California in January to complete part of a book project they had agreed to complete together.

I was upset to learn these things and felt he'd been deceptive.  He admitted as much, and said it was because it was easier.  He justified it to himself by thinking he owed it to her since he had already committed to helping her in this way, and that he'd "dumped" her romantically and if he "dumped" this project, as well, it would be like saying she was worthless (I didn't exactly understand this logic).

So, we had some difficult conversation around this, and, as I shared in a previous post, I came to believe this train had travelled too far down the track and - considering he said this would be closure on his working with her and he would be transparent about communication going forward - I let it go.

But.  Then another thing came up around his communication with an ex-girlfriend, with whom he meets with weekly (along with several others) as part of a local Non-Violent Communication project.  He dated her for several months until the end of last year.  I noticed he had some energy when talking about her a few times, as if he was carrying some unresolved feelings about their relationship (resentment/anger mainly).

I didn't think much of it or worry about it until recently, when I found out about the communication with his ex-wife.  I looked back and remembered he had some emotional connection to Burning Man happening this year (he went with this ex-girlfriend last year) and then her birthday party a week or two ago (which he'd planned and orchestrated last year).

I don't feel a huge threat from either of these women, as far as him cheating on me or leaving me.  But I do feel a lot of fear and upset around them.  The ex-wife was a lot harder, I think because of our history and also because we had conversations about it, and he knew I wasn't comfortable with him communicating with her.

I guess when I think he doesn't care how I feel about something and just does it anyway, that feels scary.  And what seems to be an ongoing strong attachment (caring, feeling of loyalty and wanting to help them) to these women is worrisome to me, as well.  Maybe I'm cold-hearted, and this is the "healthy" way to feel about exes?

I should mention that he has a strong jealous streak and has expressed fears and upset around MY interaction with other men, so it's interesting to me that he seems to struggle with being sensitive and considerate to me around this area.

Tonight, he emailed me and told me after the fact that he called his ex-girlfriend to ask her about a webinar she gave and whether he might use the same channel to give a webinar on a climate talk he's putting together.  Really?  A phone call in the evening, was that necessary?  I emailed back that I didn't like hearing that, and (immaturely) told him that maybe I would call ex-boyfriends in the coming evenings and discuss project collaboration, then report back to him about it.

Perhaps I'm overreacting, and I should be glad he told me?  We just came through a tough weekend (more on that later), and I'm not appreciating additional stress and strain.

p.s. The ttc report:  my bbt is at 98.3, and I'm on 9 dpo.  I had acupuncture today.  Not feeling any noticeable signs, other than a headache which was likely related to fatigue.

Thank God it's (almost) Wednesday

Weathered another exhausting day with the middle school malcontents.  The Kaiser medical career video was above their heads; some classes more than others.  Sixth period was just a pain in my you know what and took every ounce of energy I had left after the trip and feeling under the weather.

Managed to make it to Interplay and a birthday party for our Interplay leader afterwards.  These are "good people": when I lay down on the floor to stretch when my head/neck was hurting, two peeps commented I could lay in a space over near the group, and the host brought me a neck massager!

Off to bed now.  Will try for a longer post tomorrow. . .

Way up in the sky, the little birds fly. . .

I sang the song below for my niece and nephew a few times over the past couple days.  It met my need to be seen, and their need for entertainment.  

Today's agenda:  strolling around downtown Eugene and eating breakfast at the 5th Street Market; matinee showing of "Powerball"; walking along the Willamette River and heavy discussion of personality differences/comfort levels with one another in different contexts; pizza parlor replete with carousel ride for the kiddies and lots of pineapple on my salad and pizza ;-).

Emotional Ride

Today was split between stress and pleasure, tension and ease.

It started nicely enough at the "Hole in the Wall" restaurant for an early breakfast with sh/cm, my 91-year-old Grandpa, cousin, cousin's husband, and two little kids.

Afterwards, though, sh/cm and I had tension come up around this trip and expectations around roles and support.  He was wanting more appreciation and ease, and I was wanting more support and understanding (I wish spending time with family was nothing but sunshine and roses but that's not the case.).

The hike we took - a great workout and set among old growth trees, lush ferns, moss. and creeks - left me annoyed by sh/cm trying too hard to engage and be funny, in my opinion.  I didn't want to feel that way, but I did.

But, we actually had a conversation about it and tonight's participant-created sushi dinner at my sister's house was easeful, warm, and joyous.  Good food and a feeling of support and being "on the same wavelength" with sh/cm.

Yay!

We've landed in Duckville

Wah, wah, wah. . . back to luke warm.  Oh well.  My Mom seemed about as happy to see me as if I were from the IRS.  She did seem to appreciate the cookies I made and the eggplants and tomatoes I brought her from our garden.

Sh/cm seemed to get along with everyone well.  My brother-in-law talked to him a lot (and loudly! as he is apt to do)  I played with my niece and nephew: they loved the gifts I brought (the trick emptying baby bottle was a hit), and we had a fun dance party - my nephew has some sweet moves!

We are exhausted now.  Breakfast in the morning at the "Hole in the Wall" cafe with my cousin's family and my Grandpa and his new girlfriend.

p.s. My sister-in-law just went off the pill and they are trying to get pregnant.  We had a whispered conversation about it, and she said, "Maybe we'll be pregnant at the same time!"  Here's hoping. . .

Preparations

I will truly be "Between" two places tomorrow, as sh/cm and I drive from the Bay Area up to Eugene, Oregon where my entire family resides.  The Ducks won their football game against Cal tonight, so the weekend is getting off to a fabulous start!

I ran around doing tons of errands today: volunteered at Interplay; bought fun gifts for the niece/nephew and little cousins; picked up snacks and chocolate chips for the cookies I made tonight for the trip.  Oh yeah, and I also bought fresh pineapple! ;-)

Just a bit more packing in the morning, pick up some bottles of California wine with sh/cm, and we'll be off!

As a side note, my mother wrote me the warmest email she's ever written, inviting us to their place for dinner when we get into town tomorrow evening and asking if that is the way I would like to start the weekend, introducing sh/cm to my family and to Eugene.

I'm not explaining adequately, but it was sweet. . . and quite unusual for my generally luke-warm mother (I don't know if I've shared this here, but my birth mom passed away when I was four, and my Dad remarried my current Mom the following year. We've never had what I would consider a typical or close mother/daughter relationship.).

Ovulation: Check!

Temperature rise this morning to 97.9.  Negative OPK later last night, so the surge was definitely night before last into yesterday morning.

Sh/cm and I covered the fertile days, and I feel optimistic about this cycle for a few reasons: the longer follicular phase is a positive, clocking in at 13 days; it was my first month taking Femara again; and it's been almost three months since I started taking DHEA and COQ10, which they say take three months to work their magic on egg quality.

I will be distracted for the first part of this two-week-wait with our trip to Oregon, beginning Friday morning.  Our ritual visit to the pizza parlor fell by the wayside last cycle, so I'm excited to pick that up again next week when we return.  lol

Curious who else out there might be navigating the luteal phase, between ovulation and the end of your cycle, or, God-willing, a positive pregnancy test?  How are you feeling?  What are your survival plans?

Another Day in the Trenches

Drive-by post to say that I survived another day with the monsters (otherwise know as middle school kids)!

I threw in a couple more engaging teaching techniques and felt good that they finally learned my name.

A blessing and a curse, as for much of the period, I proceeded to hear, "Ms. B!  Ms. B!"  :)  I have to say, it did feel good that they wanted my guidance.

And my Interplay class tonight was fabulous.  We invented an exercise last week called "3-2-1," and this week gave it another go.  I will explain more about it soon.

Good night for now. . .

p.s.  Also participated in a protest against the Keystone XL Pipeline at Obama HQ in Oakland.  What a nightmare of a project; talk about dirty energy!

The line! The line!

Please excuse the cheesy 80's reference to Fantasy Island!  

But I am excited to report that there was an official, strong second-line sighting on the OPK (ovulation predictor kit) this evening, so I'm right back on track with follicular phase length.  

Sh/cm and I, ahem, baby danced, or whatever the kids are calling it these days, this morning, so the "window of peak fertility" as they say is off to a good start. :)

p.s. I'm chagrined to admit that I paid $5 for one of those conception prediction websites: 

ttcbabylov​eprediction​s.com

And she predicted I would conceive this coming December or January, or give birth in December or January of next year, and that she sees a girl.  I did it mainly for fun, but I'm posting this for tracking purposes, just in case . . .

Between Exes

Today, sh/cm and I were stuck between exes.

We started the day with a long conversation about his ex-wife, who is coming for two weeks in January for work.  Before we were together, he promised to help her with an audio aspect of her accent book, creating a recording of an American accent.  I guess.

Then we spent the afternoon at his ex-girlfriend's birthday party - the relationship he had prior to me.  We emerged from both these experiences in a remarkably positive place, though this morning's conversation was especially difficult.

I agreed to "let" him work with her, with the agreement that he will tell her this will be his final project assisting her.  Apparently, helping her in this way was a big part of their relationship, and he wanted to honor this final commitment (in part, out of guilt for abruptly closing the door on romantic possibilities with her in order to commit to me, which I talked about in a post back in June).

For a while in our process around this, I felt like he was choosing his friendship/loyalty to her over his relationship with me.  I wanted him to let go of his attachment to doing it so that we could openly discuss our feelings and needs before making a decision.  In the end, it does seem like this train has travelled too far down the track, and I agreed to go along with it.  But only after he had shared in a vulnerable way how he had developed this pattern of making solo decisions and talked about how he knew he needed and wanted to change this pattern for the benefit of our relationship going forward.

Anyway, after we worked our way through that maze, we went to Farmer's Market then jaunted off to his other ex's house for a lovely party.  It was surprisingly meaningful and enjoyable.  A lot of the folks there were from the local Non-Violent Communication community, and I knew a few of them and liked all the rest.

We participated in a "Giving Circle," in which each of us shared needs with the group, as well as things we wanted to offer to others.  I came away with a Life/Career Coaching Session, massage, and a Sand Tray Therapy Session.  Cool, no?  In return, I'm giving a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator assessment, an empathy session, and help with organizing a studio apartment.

After the party, we raced over to the Art in Nature festival, which was potentially awesome but in the throes of wrapping up.  There, we ran into the guy who caused strife between sh/cm and I a while back when he got the hots for me at my friend K's party and proceeded to talk about these feelings in his men's group, of which sh/cm was a member.  Random.

An overall kickin' day considering we spent much of it bouncing between exes and ghosts from the past.  For dinner, I made delicious Eggplant Almond Enchiladas from the Moosewood Cookbook using tomatoes and eggplants from our garden.  Yummy.

For those of you on the ttc track, I still haven't gotten a positive on the OPK, here now on Cycle Day 12.  

And I wanted to ask:  have any of you taken Femara?  If so, did it raise your basal body temperature, if you temp?  My temperature today was 97.7 and yesterday 97.9, several tenths above what it normally is at this time.  I'm thinking it has to be the Femara. . .

NaBloPoMo: Between

Welcome to National Blog Posting Month!  I have been meaning to sign on for a second month (after my trial run a few months ago, in which my performance was fair to middlin'), so as to plug into that external motivation, kick-in-the-butt energy of a commitment to post daily.  So here we go!

I like the theme for this month, and the picture too for that matter.  In this moment, I can think of several "Betweens" in my life.  It especially feels like I'm at a "Between" place in my career. . . even though I have a part-time job, it doesn't take much of my time, and I still feel stalled out in my life purpose.  Looking for that meaningful, creative project to sink my teeth in to, in addition to more professional counseling/assessment work.

Secondly, as you can see from reading my blog lately, I'm engaged in efforts toward trying to conceive, which feels like a "Between" place, as well: not yet a mother, but wanting it deeply, in my bones.

And finally, my relationship with sh/cm is "Between" the states of "seriously committed," and "we're in it for the long haul."  Which again, may sound crazy considering we're trying to have a child, but it makes sense to us.

Makes sense in that we both long for a child, and we would clearly be committed co-parents no matter what happens.  I'm hopeful we will eventually be more seriously committed romantic partners, as well.  But at this time, we are working through some things (including his ex coming in to town for two weeks of work, part of which he plans to assist her with, at the beginning of January grrrr).

So, I think I have lots of grist for the "Between" mill this month, in addition to my regular life and cycle updates.  I look forward to exploring with you all!

Romance and Travel

I am no poet, in any sense of the word, but I wanted to share with you some poetry-like writing I did today while thinking about sh/cm.

With you, it’s in the words and the touch

It’s the long conversations, virtual and personal

About life, love, whether humanity (and we) have a future

And how it feels to hold your hand day after day,

To kiss each other like we mean it

We keep showing up, 

Somehow breaking through the icy fear 

That held us back before

Into something bigger, something that holds it all and says, 

“We’re good, baby.  We can do this.  We’re different.”  

Miraculous, really, that place.  

I think I’ll curl up there now 

And dream of love.

I guess I'm feeling romantic.  My thoughts are focused on our upcoming trip to Oregon and spending some time together with my family.  We will drive up Friday morning, a week from tomorrow, and return by Monday night.  

My brother kindly invited us to stay at his place, but sh/cm said he'd like to get a hotel room, and this girl who loves hotels will not be arguing the point!  It will be nice to have a home base to have some alone time in-between family gatherings.  

What I'm most looking forward to:

• Going on a hike with my brother and his new wife.  I'm excited for sh/cm to get to know my brother, who is the person I'm closest to in my immediate family.
• Working out at the athletic club in Eugene, which our family business developed and runs.  My sister and brother both work there - my sister with my Dad in the main office, and my brother in the club itself - so when we go there, we will likely have lunch and hang out.  And I'll get to see my niece and nephew in the on-site childcare - bonus!  
• Dinner and drinks with family.  I imagine we'll go out to a nice dinner and hopefully everyone will relax and get to know each other better over some good food and wine.
• Spending playtime with my niece and nephew! (at their house)  My nephew just turned two and will be super fun and probably all about the physical play.  My niece is four now and into imaginary play and reading (unless that's changed).  I can't wait!  It will be fun to see sh/cm around the kids, and he also may spend some of this time on this own, taking a break.

I'm going to have a phone conversation with my Dad sometime this week and say something about my hopes that he will make an effort to get to know sh/cm.  My Dad can be somewhat quiet and, let's just say, anti-social introverted.

Cycle-wise, I'm on Day 9 of a Femara cycle.  I have felt more tired than usual, and I'm not sure if that's related.  No signs of ovulation yet, which is awesome after ovulating on Day 10 last month.  Hoping I make it at least to Day 12. . .

Almost. . .

I wish I had better news to report.  I started cramping a bit more yesterday, in a different place - more in front middle abdomen, just above my pubic bone.  Which is strange because I don't usually notice cramping in that area before my period.

Anyway, this "special" cramping seemed to lead into some very light brown/pink spotting, which still left room for hope. . . but by this morning, my temperature had dropped a couple of degrees and the cramping became more intense.  It was all over by this afternoon.

All things considered, I do believe something started to happen this month.  I guess it just wasn't meant to be.  There were two "firsts":  an implantation dip and one extra day added to my luteal phase.  This morning, Fertility Friend actually said something like, "You may be pregnant, you should take a test."  I never actually did test this cycle, and I'm kind of glad I didn't.

I feel sad and disappointed, of course.  But I guess I also feel like things clearly seem to be improving overall as far as higher post-ovulation temperatures, and then the "almost" that was this cycle.  So I'm hopeful as we jump right back into trying again.  I'm trying to get some Femara to add to the agenda for this time around. . .

Inventory of Signs

My temperature is still up today at 98.2.  Yikes!  Could this be something real?  Putting the signs together so far:

Sore boobs pretty much the whole time since ovulation.
9 dpo - Some pulling feelings on right side of lower abdomen.
10 dpo - Temperature dip.  Some lighter AF-type cramping.  Small red spot of blood on TP in the evening.  Trouble sleeping, kept waking up.
11 dpo - Temperature back up.  Trouble sleeping, woke up several times. Strange dreams.
12 dpo - Temperature still up!  Some pressure feeling in lower abdomen.  Light backache, similar to period but lighter.

I don't want to get my hopes up too far.  I know that tomorrow my temperature could plummet, and it could all be over.  And even if I am pregnant, there are so many things that could go awry.

But I had my first little "OMG, I could really be pregnant!" freak-out feeling this morning when I saw my temperature was still up.  It was the first time I've ever felt that feeling!  I told sh/cm, and he was like, "I know!"

Dip, Baby, Dip

Guess what jumped up this morning!  I included the chart again, but without the coverline so that you can see the actual temperatures.  The one caveat is that I woke up several times last night, so that may have affected it.  But I've never had a dip like this so early in the cycle, and I'm cautiously excited!

Implantation Dip?

I hope this chart comes through.  These represent the last two months of my cycle, plus the incomplete current month, as the legend indicates.  The ice blue line is my current chart: do you notice anything different?  My temperature dropped off precipitously this morning a couple of days earlier and a couple of tenths lower than it has in previous charts, which has me thinking "implantation dip."  


I'm trying not to get too excited though, since last night was a weird night.  My bedtime was a couple hours later, after returning from dinner and a play in the city with sh/cm and friends - I love the way that sounds!  I clearly don't do it that often. lol  


Anyway,  the play - which was a feminist interpretation of the Ramayana, a sacred Hindu text, and cast my Non-Violent Communication friend K in the lead - and after-play discussion went longer than expected, and then sh/cm and I got into a long talk about recent communication with his daughter (who had been painfully estranged from him) and our individual and collective goals.  I didn't get to bed until after 1:30.  I took my temperature at around 6:50 am - which is when I normally take it, but after only about five hours of sleep - and it read 97.7.


When I took it again a little after 9 am, it read about 98.  Would you count the first one if you were me?


If I count the first one, it really seems to be an implantation dip. Time will tell.  If my temperature shoots back up tomorrow, then that would say a lot.


My only other sign so far has been sore breasts. Really sore. Unusually and surprisingly sore.  


So, I am holding hope, but trying to hold it lightly. . .

Second Day Down

Another school day down.  Only one truly torturous period - 6TH (BOO, HISS).  Several little trouble makers whose sole purpose is to make my life difficult!

I'm somewhat powerless in that the teacher in this class has indicated she wants to deal with any bad behavior, due to the fact that we are not certified teachers.  Her "dealing with it" has looked like talking with them and the behavior starting back up again within a few minutes.

The other teacher we are working with is quite the opposite and is supporting and tag teaming us very successfully to manage her classes.

I've communicated with my supervisor about the situation in Period 6, which yesterday included talking and disruption the entire period, including inappropriate sexual innuendo remarks.  I'm hoping she will have some solution but if not, I've committed to soldiering through.

The classes are such a lesson in contrast!  Period 4 are complete and total angels, and I sail through that class on a cloud.  The others are on a range in-between, but most are productive and fairly well engaged overall.  Some of the students truly are incredibly endearing and sweet.  When things get tough, I continue to repeat the mantra of my hourly wage. lol

To give you a sense of how drained I feel when I get done with the day: yesterday I bought a diet coke and chocolate hostess donettes to soothe myself immediately after, then proceeded to come home and lie on the couch the rest of the late afternoon/evening, except for taking a neighborhood walk.  Fell asleep for over an hour during that time, as well.

Again, kudos to the teachers out there.  I know now that you have to be very special and strong to be a teacher.  I literally would not have it in me to teach full-time.  You deserve much more money and many more accolades!!!

p.s. I will post separately on my current two-week wait in the next day or two.  Right now, off to acupuncture. . .

A Very Busy Week (And a Follicular Phase Question)

Stopping by for a belated update before I head out to run some errands.

On the ttc front, wondering if any of you have had the experience of your follicular phase shortening after going on any of the supplements I talked about in this post?  I have consistently had a 27-day cycle, with a 13-day follicular phase followed by a 14-day luteal phase.

Until last month.

Last month, my follicular phase shortened to 11 days, and this month it was around 10!  At least according to my basal body temperature charting, which showed a significant, post-ovulation rise yesterday on day 11.  And I tested positive on an OPK the evening of day 10 (negative that morning).

I'm worried that this may be a "bad thing" and would love any feedback you may have to give.

In other news, sh/cm and I visited his brother and family in San Diego last weekend and he was surprised that we all got along so well right from the beginning.  Not to inflate myself, but apparently the relationship between his family and his two exes was less than warm and close.  So, of course, I feel great about that.

And best of all, it was a fun and generally relaxed time.  Walks on the beach, a tall ship festival, two lovely home-cooked dinners with friends, hot tubbing. . . and sh/cm and I had some great deeper talks on the long car ride back (I slept a lot on the ride there because we left at 8 p.m., but that's another story!).

Finally, I started the new job. . . and survived the first day!

The kids were generally engaged and fairly well-behaved - except for a couple students in one of the classes but it wasn't too horrible.  It definitely took stamina to get through so many class periods, but I kept reminding myself of the high hourly pay rate to keep me going!

If I can just get through this one day a week, I think I'll develop a lot professionally.  And I can have a stiff drink at the end of the day!  lol