It's the last couple of days of my Fundrazr campaign to receive donor embryos through California Conceptions and achieve my long-held dream to become a mom. The campaign has raised $1474 so far, which helps a lot, and I feel grateful!
I was hoping to get closer to $3000, but I think I would need a much bigger contact sphere to get there. I was not willing to put the campaign out to my entire several hundred person FB page because there are many people - professional contacts, people I know vaguely from high school or extended family, like my sister-in-law's mother, etc. - that I don't want to share with at this level. I shared with a sub-group of closer friends and family on FB, through my campaign email list, and on this blog and 25 people have donated, which feels so supportive and encouraging.
I have decided to create an email list of the people who have donated and maybe a few others to whom I will send periodic updates on my continuing journey to become a mom. These will sometimes parallel my blog posts but other times include more specific information about decisions and treatments, etc. Let me know if you would like to be included on the list.
I am posting this campaign link one more time here on this blog:
Help Kristina reach her dream of motherhood
If you have not had a chance to donate yet, will you consider donating today if you are able? Any amount is helpful and means a lot to me.
Here is my guest blog at The Lambton Worm if you want to read more specifics of my story:
Hello! Jenny is generously sharing her blog space today so that I can
tell you about my campaign to finally fulfill my dream to become a mom.
Thank you, Jenny! Before I tell you about the campaign, I’d like to
share the story about how I came to believe this path was right for me…
I always saw motherhood as part of my life and who I was meant to be. I dated a lot in my 20s and into my... continue reading
With appreciation,
Kristina
6/30/2016
6/20/2016
Well, it's official...
... he is borderline Asperger's. In my last post, I described his bahaviors. When these behaviors continued on our walk - after we were settled at the pub where we were watching the game - I asked him about it. He confirmed this diagnosis and said he didn't even know until he was 50! He now sees a therapist and I am the first woman he has told about it. He also shared how his (alcoholic) Dad hit both him and his mom sometimes :( which I'm sure affected him emotionally, as well.
I like him and I like hanging out with him, but it's hard to imagine being in a serious relationship with him. I feel like he should date someone more like himself, as should I. There are people who do not have Asperger's who are much more thinking-oriented and less feeling-oriented, who wouldn't have the same needs for depth of connection and empathy that I do.
I will say that, although he didn't look quite the same as his pictures - he like many other people put younger pictures up - I did feel some attraction for him and it felt good hugging him at the end. It may sound funny, but I wish I could make his dream come true of a wife and family or at least a long-term relationship. I don't want to be yet another rejection for him.
Another thought... I honestly wonder if S was borderline autistic. He joked about it before. He did have obsessive behaviors and he did have trouble connecting emotionally and empathizing. But he seemed capable and able to at times, so it seemed more of an emotional block combined with his personality type. I think that's probably true. But he did "act" autistic at times, which may have, in a way, desensitized me to some of this new guy's behaviors.
I would really like to find a guy who is deep and emotionally intelligent, with whom I can share intimacy on all levels.
I like him and I like hanging out with him, but it's hard to imagine being in a serious relationship with him. I feel like he should date someone more like himself, as should I. There are people who do not have Asperger's who are much more thinking-oriented and less feeling-oriented, who wouldn't have the same needs for depth of connection and empathy that I do.
I will say that, although he didn't look quite the same as his pictures - he like many other people put younger pictures up - I did feel some attraction for him and it felt good hugging him at the end. It may sound funny, but I wish I could make his dream come true of a wife and family or at least a long-term relationship. I don't want to be yet another rejection for him.
Another thought... I honestly wonder if S was borderline autistic. He joked about it before. He did have obsessive behaviors and he did have trouble connecting emotionally and empathizing. But he seemed capable and able to at times, so it seemed more of an emotional block combined with his personality type. I think that's probably true. But he did "act" autistic at times, which may have, in a way, desensitized me to some of this new guy's behaviors.
I would really like to find a guy who is deep and emotionally intelligent, with whom I can share intimacy on all levels.
6/18/2016
Someone... interesting
I met someone... interesting. I am of course not completely over S yet, but I got back online for fun and connected with someone I've had a few phone conversations with and am watching the basketball game with on Sunday. I enjoy talking with him and feel comfortable with him on the phone. The thing is, he's not quite normal. I'm not sure *what* the issue is yet, but these are some of the ways I would describe him:
- Detail-oriented, to the point of sharing mundane details that are not really necessary.
- Naive and almost child-like at times.
- Kind and patient.
- Cute, at least in his pictures.
- Smart? He has a Masters degree in social work. And yet, he seems not super sharp.
- Father was an alcoholic so made the decision to never drink and has kept to that.
- Asks a lot of questions (which I like).
- Listens. But doesn't respond a lot with affirmations that he's hearing me or statement of understanding, so sometimes I feel "out there" on the phone after sharing something.
- Available. Wants to be a father/parent.
- Has never been married or had a relationship longer than a few months and he just turned 52.
- Didn't go to college until he was 35 and got his Masters when he was in his late 40s. Calls himself a "late bloomer" and a "diamond in the rough"
- Worked as a social services eligibility worker for the last 15+ years and worked as a bank teller for 10+ years in his youth. Works out religiously. Takes pride in his reliability and dependability.
6/02/2016
What is going on here?
I'm posting this in case it's happened to any of you or you know of it happening to someone...
Basically, I am five or six days late for my period. I've had a little - sorry for TMI - dark spotting but no red blood. I felt a little cramping (very light) a couple of times before the spotting followed later. My breasts have been sore since the weekend, also.
Before anyone gets excited, it's been over month and a half since S and I broke up. And I had a period at the very start of May. It was a somewhat lighter period and maybe a day shorter but still, a full period with - again sorry for TMI - cramping and full flow but not tissue that I can remember, which I usually do notice. So, of course, I'm googling bleeding while pregnant, etc.
But the rational part of me, knowing my age and the odds considering S was still on chemo pills, believes this to likely be about hormone-imbalance or peri-menopause. It's just never happened before, so it definitely raises my curiosity. Any thoughts or experience you're willing to share?
*As soon as I post this, I bet I start my cycle...
Basically, I am five or six days late for my period. I've had a little - sorry for TMI - dark spotting but no red blood. I felt a little cramping (very light) a couple of times before the spotting followed later. My breasts have been sore since the weekend, also.
Before anyone gets excited, it's been over month and a half since S and I broke up. And I had a period at the very start of May. It was a somewhat lighter period and maybe a day shorter but still, a full period with - again sorry for TMI - cramping and full flow but not tissue that I can remember, which I usually do notice. So, of course, I'm googling bleeding while pregnant, etc.
But the rational part of me, knowing my age and the odds considering S was still on chemo pills, believes this to likely be about hormone-imbalance or peri-menopause. It's just never happened before, so it definitely raises my curiosity. Any thoughts or experience you're willing to share?
*As soon as I post this, I bet I start my cycle...
5/29/2016
Only the Lonely
I'm having another lonely holiday weekend. It's really not so awful and I shouldn't complain. I just, well, feel lonely sometimes. Luckily, I'm an Introvert so I don't need to be social all the time, but then sometimes I think it holds me back because I don't want to go out into crowds or busy places by myself and find them draining.
I did get out yesterday to our local tap house that I've come to frequent (meaning go there once every week or two) and stumbled into watching the Warr.iors game. Half of it anyway; I have a hard time getting through an entire game when I'm watching by myself. Anyway, it was a pretty exciting game and really, they should have lost, but they pulled it out in the fourth quarter. I'm sure you're relieved and excited to hear that. :) Anyway, that was my social time.
S is visiting his daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter, and I can't help but feel sad I'm not part of that. Ah well. My excitement for today, now that I've finished my mediocre book, will be doing a couple of loads of laundry and moving my couch in the living room. Once I get the TV connected - which I'm not rushing to do since I have Hu.lu and it's nice to take a break - it only makes sense to move the couch to where my housemate's couch was.
Speaking of housemates, I got a bite on the available room from a woman who is a friend of a friend and sounds perfect. Please send good wishes for our conversation tomorrow night! The only thing that might get in the way is that her internship is in Oak.land, which is a 35-minute drive from here. It's right on the line of doable and inconvenient. I make the drive a couple times a week myself right now for client appointments but honestly, I'm hoping to get more clients closer to home so I can start using my new office and not drive so much.
My campaign to finally become a mom has stagnated so it could use some good wishes, too. I'm hoping and praying to get some donations this week, which is officially the last week. There is "extended time" on the site that I will likely use, but I guess I was over-ambitious with my goal. In my mind (the site won't let me actually change it), my goal is now half of what I started with - $3K vs $6K - but I'm currently just about one third of the way there. Honestly, I thought a few close family or friends of family would donate who haven't. But of course, I have to let go and trust that if it's meant to be, I will find a way forward. On the other hand, many SMCs have donated and shared my campaign, which feels so supportive and kind - thank you so much!
For those reading who have thought of donating but haven't had a chance yet, if you are feeling called today or you've been thinking of donating, will you consider making a donation today at a level with which you are comfortable? Or if you've been thinking of sharing the campaign, will you do so this week? I would really be grateful and any amount is welcome and feels so encouraging to receive. Thank-you! Here's the link to share: http://fnd.us/help_kristina_become_a_mom?ref=sh_42BUxc or you can share directly from the fundrazr site.
5/21/2016
Weekend Updates
Wanted to share an update after my dinner with S last night... In a nutshell, it was good but sad. We got into talking about some things about how things evolved in our relationship, even though the main focus was on what we want now and how we might be friends.
From what he said, it's clear that he was, from a fearful place, building a case against me (again), as he set up "tests" of sorts for me to prove myself. To some extent, I guess we all do that in relationships - try to figure out if the person is someone we could be with long-term and whether you are a good enough match to survive the challenges of life together.
The problem is, when you are "testing" someone, it changes the dynamic of the relationship and it gets in the way of love and intimacy. The other person - in this case me - will feel that they are being tested, will be able to sense an added urgency or behind-the-scenes agenda and will rebel or react in ways they would not have otherwise reacted.
Also, as S kept tally of these fears and worries about me, they accumulated into quite a list and ended up coloring any interaction we had with resentment. In a way, I feel really sad for him because he lived in this state, but I also feel angry because I experienced the pain of being on the other end of that behavior - wanting to connect and feel close as we had before but receiving judgment and anger instead. I know I have been guilty of fear or anxiety-based judgments, but I don't keep a tally or strategically test someone over time.
In any case, it seemed last night that, for what it's worth, he recognized the dysfunction in this behavior and was able to empathize with my side of it to some degree. We shared we both still care for each other and want to try to be friends, though it feels a bit tenuous or risky. It's worth it to try; at least I feel that way at this point. And the primary reason for our break-up is still our difference around wanting - or not wanting in his case - to become a parent, which feels like a very good reason that, in the end, makes this the right thing to do.
Going forward, I'm going to focus on what I want in my life, as a friend suggested in a comment on my last post, and that's finding a nice roommate, increasing my income via my business and part-time college counseling, and working on finances to move forward with the California Conceptions program to finally become a mom.
With regard to the latter, I wanted to share two more blog posts on my campaign that were recently posted by friends, Michaela and Jenny. Thank you both so much! If you write a blog and are willing to share my campaign or invite me to guest post, please let me know in comments or through the campaign page, and I'll follow up. I've been moved by recent donations by SMCs and friends from the blogging world - it means a lot coming from women who understand my experience. Will you consider making a donation at whatever level is comfortable or sharing my campaign in other ways? I'm hoping to raise $85 more before tomorrow to reach my $200 goal for this week. You can read about my long ttc journey in one of the blogs below...
A Single Journey: With a little help from my friends
Lambton Worm: Guest Blog - Kristina
I'm also planning to apply for a loan through my credit union in the near future and am in the process of applying for a grant. Hopefully, everything will come together and be enough to move forward in the fall, fingers crossed.
From what he said, it's clear that he was, from a fearful place, building a case against me (again), as he set up "tests" of sorts for me to prove myself. To some extent, I guess we all do that in relationships - try to figure out if the person is someone we could be with long-term and whether you are a good enough match to survive the challenges of life together.
The problem is, when you are "testing" someone, it changes the dynamic of the relationship and it gets in the way of love and intimacy. The other person - in this case me - will feel that they are being tested, will be able to sense an added urgency or behind-the-scenes agenda and will rebel or react in ways they would not have otherwise reacted.
Also, as S kept tally of these fears and worries about me, they accumulated into quite a list and ended up coloring any interaction we had with resentment. In a way, I feel really sad for him because he lived in this state, but I also feel angry because I experienced the pain of being on the other end of that behavior - wanting to connect and feel close as we had before but receiving judgment and anger instead. I know I have been guilty of fear or anxiety-based judgments, but I don't keep a tally or strategically test someone over time.
In any case, it seemed last night that, for what it's worth, he recognized the dysfunction in this behavior and was able to empathize with my side of it to some degree. We shared we both still care for each other and want to try to be friends, though it feels a bit tenuous or risky. It's worth it to try; at least I feel that way at this point. And the primary reason for our break-up is still our difference around wanting - or not wanting in his case - to become a parent, which feels like a very good reason that, in the end, makes this the right thing to do.
Going forward, I'm going to focus on what I want in my life, as a friend suggested in a comment on my last post, and that's finding a nice roommate, increasing my income via my business and part-time college counseling, and working on finances to move forward with the California Conceptions program to finally become a mom.
With regard to the latter, I wanted to share two more blog posts on my campaign that were recently posted by friends, Michaela and Jenny. Thank you both so much! If you write a blog and are willing to share my campaign or invite me to guest post, please let me know in comments or through the campaign page, and I'll follow up. I've been moved by recent donations by SMCs and friends from the blogging world - it means a lot coming from women who understand my experience. Will you consider making a donation at whatever level is comfortable or sharing my campaign in other ways? I'm hoping to raise $85 more before tomorrow to reach my $200 goal for this week. You can read about my long ttc journey in one of the blogs below...
A Single Journey: With a little help from my friends
Lambton Worm: Guest Blog - Kristina
I'm also planning to apply for a loan through my credit union in the near future and am in the process of applying for a grant. Hopefully, everything will come together and be enough to move forward in the fall, fingers crossed.
5/19/2016
All Over the Map
Feeling sad today. I think because it's the first relatively open day I've had to feel anything. So. much. change. I'm sad about my break up but also continuing to feel it was the right thing. Yet still it's a loss, and I miss him.
But honestly, as I think of it, I miss the good times, not so much how things moved back into feeling like I was constantly a bother to him. He never had time for me - no time to talk on the phone, no time to get together, no time to listen to my feelings. I know I played a role in creating that dynamic, but I know that part of it is just his personality. The way he is wired to deal with closeness and intimacy. Also, the way his mind creates reservoirs of resentment that wall his heart off to me.
I don't miss fighting to see him or connect with him, and I don't miss just plain fighting. I definitely have more mental and emotional space now, but I think I've been avoiding grieving. Maybe I've been in the stages of bargaining and denial. He helped me buy my car, which was a boyfriend thing to do. Now, we are talking over dinner tomorrow about closure - what does that look like? Can we be friends?
My thoughts are veering all over the map right now. At times - like last night after a couple glasses of wine - I think, well, maybe he could move in and we could be friends and housemates and support one another. Maybe even friends with benefits. Then I think, no way would that work, and it would be inviting more frustration and suffering. I was at least thinking - from a more level-headed place - we could remain friends and leave the door open a crack, maybe check back in on our relationship in a few months, when he is completely done with treatment (and hopefully I'm pregnant). I feel that if we close the door and completely break up, there is no going back.
But then, I remember how I have felt these last couple of months when things deteriorated again, and I know I don't want that energy or dynamic in my life. Every time we've been together, it's devolved into some version of that place. And I. don't. want. it. It's exhausting and sad and frustrating and draining. I want love - to give and receive it. I want a strong foundation of attraction that doesn't go away, even when we are frustrated with each other, at least not for very long. I want someone who likes my personality, brashness and all.
So, S doesn't want to leave the door open, and maybe I don't want to leave the door open, either. I do feel sad for the good times, the break-throughs, those moments of vulnerability and opening and feelings of I love you so much. We had a lot of those, too.
But honestly, as I think of it, I miss the good times, not so much how things moved back into feeling like I was constantly a bother to him. He never had time for me - no time to talk on the phone, no time to get together, no time to listen to my feelings. I know I played a role in creating that dynamic, but I know that part of it is just his personality. The way he is wired to deal with closeness and intimacy. Also, the way his mind creates reservoirs of resentment that wall his heart off to me.
I don't miss fighting to see him or connect with him, and I don't miss just plain fighting. I definitely have more mental and emotional space now, but I think I've been avoiding grieving. Maybe I've been in the stages of bargaining and denial. He helped me buy my car, which was a boyfriend thing to do. Now, we are talking over dinner tomorrow about closure - what does that look like? Can we be friends?
My thoughts are veering all over the map right now. At times - like last night after a couple glasses of wine - I think, well, maybe he could move in and we could be friends and housemates and support one another. Maybe even friends with benefits. Then I think, no way would that work, and it would be inviting more frustration and suffering. I was at least thinking - from a more level-headed place - we could remain friends and leave the door open a crack, maybe check back in on our relationship in a few months, when he is completely done with treatment (and hopefully I'm pregnant). I feel that if we close the door and completely break up, there is no going back.
But then, I remember how I have felt these last couple of months when things deteriorated again, and I know I don't want that energy or dynamic in my life. Every time we've been together, it's devolved into some version of that place. And I. don't. want. it. It's exhausting and sad and frustrating and draining. I want love - to give and receive it. I want a strong foundation of attraction that doesn't go away, even when we are frustrated with each other, at least not for very long. I want someone who likes my personality, brashness and all.
So, S doesn't want to leave the door open, and maybe I don't want to leave the door open, either. I do feel sad for the good times, the break-throughs, those moments of vulnerability and opening and feelings of I love you so much. We had a lot of those, too.
5/12/2016
Holding Up a Mirror
Another amazingly supportive post, this one from Laura at Our Surly Life. Reading it, I felt moved and really "seen," as well as a strong sense of belonging.
She also held up a mirror that I don't really think about that often - which is that I am the only one of my circle of mostly SMC bloggers to not yet have become a mom. I think part the explanation for that is that my blog is not just about ttc or becoming a mom, but also about relationship, career, self development, and just plain "life," and those are things we all share. But it's true that I have been "left behind" in that arena.
But honestly I haven't dwelt on it and have genuinely enjoyed hearing about their children and family developments. Sometimes the thought would cross my mind that I was learning from all their experiences and this would benefit me when I had a child.
In any case, I highly value this community of smart, courageous, and talented women and I'm grateful to be part of it! Thank you for your generous and compassionate post, Laura!
p.s. I went to doctor today my physical/check-up and also gave blood for a series of required tests for the program. :) Feels good to take steps forward. The bad news is that I gained more weight than I thought, and I need to lose 10 pounds to qualify for the refund. Argh
She also held up a mirror that I don't really think about that often - which is that I am the only one of my circle of mostly SMC bloggers to not yet have become a mom. I think part the explanation for that is that my blog is not just about ttc or becoming a mom, but also about relationship, career, self development, and just plain "life," and those are things we all share. But it's true that I have been "left behind" in that arena.
But honestly I haven't dwelt on it and have genuinely enjoyed hearing about their children and family developments. Sometimes the thought would cross my mind that I was learning from all their experiences and this would benefit me when I had a child.
In any case, I highly value this community of smart, courageous, and talented women and I'm grateful to be part of it! Thank you for your generous and compassionate post, Laura!
p.s. I went to doctor today my physical/check-up and also gave blood for a series of required tests for the program. :) Feels good to take steps forward. The bad news is that I gained more weight than I thought, and I need to lose 10 pounds to qualify for the refund. Argh
5/06/2016
TTC Story in Guest Blog on The Lambton Worm
In hopes of getting the word out about my campaign to become a mom, I shared a long version of my ttc journey as a Guest Blogger on Jenny's blog, "The Lambton Worm." Jenny is awesome and a dear friend in the blogging world. Please go visit and check it out! Here is an excerpt:
I always saw motherhood as part of my life and who I was meant to be. I dated a lot in my 20s and into my 30s, but most relationships ended after a few months. I’m one of those women who decided when I was in my mid 30s that it was time to stop looking at every guy I dated as a potential father and co-parent. I had lived with two men and I think marriage was possible with a couple (different ones than those I lived with, oddly!), but I wasn’t mature enough at the time. Later, it just seemed like I had trouble meeting guys...read more
I always saw motherhood as part of my life and who I was meant to be. I dated a lot in my 20s and into my 30s, but most relationships ended after a few months. I’m one of those women who decided when I was in my mid 30s that it was time to stop looking at every guy I dated as a potential father and co-parent. I had lived with two men and I think marriage was possible with a couple (different ones than those I lived with, oddly!), but I wasn’t mature enough at the time. Later, it just seemed like I had trouble meeting guys...read more
5/01/2016
Good News and Bad News
These last few days have been full of good news and pretty darn bad news. The good news includes the success of my, "Career Exploration for Introverts," workshop on Friday, with seven attendees and four free half-hour career consultations scheduled. I will let you know how many new clients come out of the consults (I recently signed two new clients separately, as well!). I also learned a lot in this first round of offering this workshop, and I plan to continue refining and offering the content in the future. And the participants really connected with one another; so much so that I had to ask them to leave. For Introverts, as you might imagine, this is definitely unusual and a real accomplishment. :)
In other good news, my campaign to become a mother through California Conceptions just passed the $600 mark or 10% of the goal! I know a few folks who intend to make donations and a couple of them are close friends and family. If you would like to contribute, I would really be grateful. I am also offering "perks" of career counseling and/or resume review for various levels of contribution, which you can give to friends if you don't need it. If you write a blog and are willing to support me by posting about the campaign, that would be wonderful and sooo appreciated! If you contact me here or on my campaign page, I will gladly share a pre-written blog post that you could change and edit. Or you can introduce it however you like. I also am glad for all positive wishes!
I had fun and informative conversations with both the California Conceptions program coordinator and one of the doctors, and wanted to share a few interesting tidbits from those conversations:
Ending with the bad news, which as I think about is actually good and bad news in itself. Good news is I'm alive. Bad news is that when I got my oil changed yesterday, the automotive place did not fasten my wonky hood correctly and it flew up on the freeway, shattering my windshield and blinding me for a few seconds. The policeman and tow truck operator both said I was very lucky, and that most people swerve or slam on the brakes when that happens. For whatever reason, I didn't do that, but instead kept driving praying I was in the lane, slowed down, realized I could peek through a crack where hood connects to the car and work my way over to the next lane and then onto the shoulder, at which point I burst into hysterical tears that lasted a good 10 minutes. It was pretty traumatizing - just the shock of it and knowing the danger. I was fortunate that the glass did not break out of the windshield frame, but instead cracked into thousands of pieces and send little shards of glass onto the seat and onto my clothing; the rear view mirror also flew off. I walked away unhurt. Thank God. I'm having the car towed from my house to a shop tomorrow and it looks like my insurance will cover most of repair, minus deductible, and give me a rent-a-car.
Thanks for hearing all my news. I hope your weekend had as much or more good, and way less bad than mine did!
p.s. I have had a couple positive conversations (all things considered) with S and will share about these in my next post...
In other good news, my campaign to become a mother through California Conceptions just passed the $600 mark or 10% of the goal! I know a few folks who intend to make donations and a couple of them are close friends and family. If you would like to contribute, I would really be grateful. I am also offering "perks" of career counseling and/or resume review for various levels of contribution, which you can give to friends if you don't need it. If you write a blog and are willing to support me by posting about the campaign, that would be wonderful and sooo appreciated! If you contact me here or on my campaign page, I will gladly share a pre-written blog post that you could change and edit. Or you can introduce it however you like. I also am glad for all positive wishes!
I had fun and informative conversations with both the California Conceptions program coordinator and one of the doctors, and wanted to share a few interesting tidbits from those conversations:
- They confirmed that they offer a refund if you don't achieve a successful pregnancy after three tries, assuming you meet the requirements of 28% BMI and a clear saline sonogram. I meet the weight requirement but am a little too close to the line for comfort, so plan to eat more carefully and continue exercising. I'll get the sonogram with them probably in a month or so.
- My next steps - in addition to continuing to work on financing - are to get a physical and complete the list of blood tests. I can also move forward on seeing an approved therapist for one appointment to discuss the psychological/emotional aspects of donor embryos.
- The doctor said there is a 65% chance of success each try, using one embryo, and 75% using two embryos. The chance of twins, while in a typical pregnancy is one in a thousand or so, with this process (due to using 5-day blastocysts) is 1 - 1.5% chance. So using two embryos, there is a 3% chance of having triplets. I think I got that right, but any math majors, please feel free to correct me! In any case, there is a much higher rate of multiples, which makes me reconsider my original intention to use two embryos each try. What would you do?
Ending with the bad news, which as I think about is actually good and bad news in itself. Good news is I'm alive. Bad news is that when I got my oil changed yesterday, the automotive place did not fasten my wonky hood correctly and it flew up on the freeway, shattering my windshield and blinding me for a few seconds. The policeman and tow truck operator both said I was very lucky, and that most people swerve or slam on the brakes when that happens. For whatever reason, I didn't do that, but instead kept driving praying I was in the lane, slowed down, realized I could peek through a crack where hood connects to the car and work my way over to the next lane and then onto the shoulder, at which point I burst into hysterical tears that lasted a good 10 minutes. It was pretty traumatizing - just the shock of it and knowing the danger. I was fortunate that the glass did not break out of the windshield frame, but instead cracked into thousands of pieces and send little shards of glass onto the seat and onto my clothing; the rear view mirror also flew off. I walked away unhurt. Thank God. I'm having the car towed from my house to a shop tomorrow and it looks like my insurance will cover most of repair, minus deductible, and give me a rent-a-car.
Thanks for hearing all my news. I hope your weekend had as much or more good, and way less bad than mine did!
p.s. I have had a couple positive conversations (all things considered) with S and will share about these in my next post...
4/21/2016
Significant Developments
This will be a very significant and eventful post for me. It may seem sudden, but what I've realized is that this suddenness is connected to the fact that I was waiting and feeling "on hold" for the last 7-8 months. Waiting for S and my relationship to progress. Waiting for him to come around and become clear on wanting to be a parent. Waiting for the worst of his treatments to be over and for him to be in a place where this could be a priority. And not only was I putting my dreams of motherhood on hold, but also my hopes for a deeper commitment.
After 3 years in relationship and 5 years since we first became romantically involved, I felt we knew each other well enough to move forward. At the beginning of this year, S asked me for patience around that. So I waited. Along the way, I felt him opening up and, if not yet embracing, becoming willing to accept becoming a parent with me. We had several talks, as I've mentioned on this blog; one in which we talked about whether we might go the donor embryo route or the donor egg route. I was surprised to hear he felt drawn to the donor egg route, if I was open to it.
All this to say, when we had our second big conversation about becoming parents last weekend, I anticipated us continuing to discuss options and process his concerns/fears about his age and about finances, but ultimately to get on the same page to work together towards a common goal or goals. What I was not expecting was for him to begin the conversation saying that he had come to a decision that he did not want to become a father again due to those concerns. That he had made up his mind. I later learned he had come to this decision over a month ago (!), which helps explain some of the dynamic and fighting between us during this time.
You might recall he has a history of making unilateral decisions and keeping secrets, then blindsiding me once he feels clear and has judged the time to be "right" to tell me. It has never gone well. When we had those processing conversations back when we ended our relationship the last time and when we got together again last August, we discussed that pattern and I asked him to be honest; to not keep secrets. I believe secrets are toxic.
In any case, last weekend when he said he was clear he did not want to be a father again, I was completely blindsided and went into shock and abandonment grief. It felt like a betrayal and that he was saying he did not want to be with me. Knowing how much this means to me and then to say he absolutely doesn't want it felt like he was breaking up. We parted ways pretty quickly after that without talking about it in more depth. We have exchanged a couple of emails and have plans to talk Friday or Saturday. I'm not sure if there is any way through for us. I am open to talking about but I can't imagine having a child and being with him but he not participating in caring for the child. And I don't intend to give up my dream.
So... fueled by the many months of waiting and re-committed to my dream - and also encouraged by several special online women friends who have been supportive through my many years of trying to have a child - I took some big steps this week, which include...
My business has grown and it's likely I'll have counseling hours at a college again starting in May/June. I will know more about this next week and take further actions at that point. I'm also meeting with my bank to explore financing options. But both because I think I would likely only qualify for a few thousand and because I don't want to start a family too much in debt as a likely single mom, I am asking for support to cover some of the expense of the California Conceptions program.
I realize some of you reading this may not agree with this method of covering expenses, and I respect that...I ask that you also respect my decision. I have considered this carefully, and I feel in alignment with crowd funding as a partial support. In part, because I have supported others campaigns to help them achieve their sacred dreams, and I do feel this dream of mine is sacred. I've felt called to be a mom for over 10 years and spent time reflecting and researching and even taking steps back and not pursued it for some time while I looked at my motivations and healed from past hurts. I am a spiritual person and believe that God has guided me to become a mom; I feel it is part of my purpose and part of who I am.
Which leads me to a request. If you feel drawn to support my campaign, will you consider making a contribution and/or sharing my campaign with your circle of friends? I would be deeply grateful. If you don't feel comfortable with either of those actions, wishing me well is enough and also means a great deal. If you're still reading, thank you for hearing me. I will write updates on this blog as things progress.
With Gratitude,
Kristina
After 3 years in relationship and 5 years since we first became romantically involved, I felt we knew each other well enough to move forward. At the beginning of this year, S asked me for patience around that. So I waited. Along the way, I felt him opening up and, if not yet embracing, becoming willing to accept becoming a parent with me. We had several talks, as I've mentioned on this blog; one in which we talked about whether we might go the donor embryo route or the donor egg route. I was surprised to hear he felt drawn to the donor egg route, if I was open to it.
All this to say, when we had our second big conversation about becoming parents last weekend, I anticipated us continuing to discuss options and process his concerns/fears about his age and about finances, but ultimately to get on the same page to work together towards a common goal or goals. What I was not expecting was for him to begin the conversation saying that he had come to a decision that he did not want to become a father again due to those concerns. That he had made up his mind. I later learned he had come to this decision over a month ago (!), which helps explain some of the dynamic and fighting between us during this time.
You might recall he has a history of making unilateral decisions and keeping secrets, then blindsiding me once he feels clear and has judged the time to be "right" to tell me. It has never gone well. When we had those processing conversations back when we ended our relationship the last time and when we got together again last August, we discussed that pattern and I asked him to be honest; to not keep secrets. I believe secrets are toxic.
In any case, last weekend when he said he was clear he did not want to be a father again, I was completely blindsided and went into shock and abandonment grief. It felt like a betrayal and that he was saying he did not want to be with me. Knowing how much this means to me and then to say he absolutely doesn't want it felt like he was breaking up. We parted ways pretty quickly after that without talking about it in more depth. We have exchanged a couple of emails and have plans to talk Friday or Saturday. I'm not sure if there is any way through for us. I am open to talking about but I can't imagine having a child and being with him but he not participating in caring for the child. And I don't intend to give up my dream.
So... fueled by the many months of waiting and re-committed to my dream - and also encouraged by several special online women friends who have been supportive through my many years of trying to have a child - I took some big steps this week, which include...
- Updating my application for the California Conceptions donor embryo program, a program I had researched and considered three years or so ago.
- Starting a fundrazr campaign to hopefully raise half the cost of the program - $6,000.
My business has grown and it's likely I'll have counseling hours at a college again starting in May/June. I will know more about this next week and take further actions at that point. I'm also meeting with my bank to explore financing options. But both because I think I would likely only qualify for a few thousand and because I don't want to start a family too much in debt as a likely single mom, I am asking for support to cover some of the expense of the California Conceptions program.
I realize some of you reading this may not agree with this method of covering expenses, and I respect that...I ask that you also respect my decision. I have considered this carefully, and I feel in alignment with crowd funding as a partial support. In part, because I have supported others campaigns to help them achieve their sacred dreams, and I do feel this dream of mine is sacred. I've felt called to be a mom for over 10 years and spent time reflecting and researching and even taking steps back and not pursued it for some time while I looked at my motivations and healed from past hurts. I am a spiritual person and believe that God has guided me to become a mom; I feel it is part of my purpose and part of who I am.
Which leads me to a request. If you feel drawn to support my campaign, will you consider making a contribution and/or sharing my campaign with your circle of friends? I would be deeply grateful. If you don't feel comfortable with either of those actions, wishing me well is enough and also means a great deal. If you're still reading, thank you for hearing me. I will write updates on this blog as things progress.
With Gratitude,
Kristina
4/11/2016
Exhausted, sleepy, and hopeful...
I just assisted at an intro. weekend for my business marketing group. We gain benefits in terms of connecting more with staff and others in the program who are assisting, but are also paid several hundred dollars towards our current debt or future programs with them. So, it's well worth it for me, as I now, after working this weekend, owe them less than $1000! I wrote the powers that be an email asking if there was any way I could do their next level "Speaker" program in June/July, which would help my inner confidence continue to grow AND give me tools to speak on stage and make program offers. I hope she says yes, but it's likely she will say no. If it's a no, then I'll assist at the intro. weekend in September and hope to join that program then. The problem is that the Speaker events I want to attend only happen in June/July of each year, so I would have to wait over a year to take them (there are other awesome events with that program, too, called "leverage"). Even if I don't do the Speaker event this summer, I still plan to speak to groups and give workshops to the best of my ability; I just know that my ability would be far greater with this program. We will see what happens.
As is true after all of these weekends, I'm super exhausted today. I slept in big-time and can't believe it's after 4pm already. I haven't even eaten lunch... I did learn a lot and connect with other folks. Watching our program leader "dance with concerns" was definitely inspiring. One of the biggest reasons I joined this program is it wasn't about sleezy sales; it actually has a spiritual foundation and prioritizes people being "aligned" in a yes or no, versus trying to win them over to a yes no matter what. And that is translating to the consultations I am doing with possible clients. I am better able to talk with them about their worries and not collapse into just saying, "Okay, no problem, that's fine for you not to work with me," or "Okay, no problem, I can reduce my rate to a lower amount." Instead, I hold my own value and alignment and support them to make an aligned decision for themselves; one that they don't regret. I don't know if this makes sense as I'm explaining it, but it's a different approach and I feel grateful to be learning and practicing it.
I have eight clients now and several more consultations on my calendar and a workshop coming up at the end of the month. I would still like to pick up part-time college counseling hours again to support me, at least for now. I heard back from a couple full-time applications that I did not get interviews. Still waiting to hear back on three possibilities for part-time work, which would be my ideal. Fingers crossed.
A last thought about S - he is continuing to do well with his treatment but it's uncomfortable and aggravating, and hard to sustain for so long over these last few months. I'm doing my best to be supportive and hold onto the bigger picture, but sometimes I just want him to be more loving and for us both not be in limbo waiting to feel normal again.
As is true after all of these weekends, I'm super exhausted today. I slept in big-time and can't believe it's after 4pm already. I haven't even eaten lunch... I did learn a lot and connect with other folks. Watching our program leader "dance with concerns" was definitely inspiring. One of the biggest reasons I joined this program is it wasn't about sleezy sales; it actually has a spiritual foundation and prioritizes people being "aligned" in a yes or no, versus trying to win them over to a yes no matter what. And that is translating to the consultations I am doing with possible clients. I am better able to talk with them about their worries and not collapse into just saying, "Okay, no problem, that's fine for you not to work with me," or "Okay, no problem, I can reduce my rate to a lower amount." Instead, I hold my own value and alignment and support them to make an aligned decision for themselves; one that they don't regret. I don't know if this makes sense as I'm explaining it, but it's a different approach and I feel grateful to be learning and practicing it.
I have eight clients now and several more consultations on my calendar and a workshop coming up at the end of the month. I would still like to pick up part-time college counseling hours again to support me, at least for now. I heard back from a couple full-time applications that I did not get interviews. Still waiting to hear back on three possibilities for part-time work, which would be my ideal. Fingers crossed.
A last thought about S - he is continuing to do well with his treatment but it's uncomfortable and aggravating, and hard to sustain for so long over these last few months. I'm doing my best to be supportive and hold onto the bigger picture, but sometimes I just want him to be more loving and for us both not be in limbo waiting to feel normal again.
3/26/2016
Happy Easter! and family/work updates
I'm not sure if this post will be cohesive, but wanting to share some happenings, so here goes...
It's Easter weekend, and I'm feeling a little sad not to be spending it with a little one. I told S that I wanted to spend this Easter with a child - my nieces and nephew or his grandchild - but it's not working out unfortunately. His daughter and son-in-law did make the move out here. She has a job already, and he has been interviewing and is close to landing one. They sent their one-year-old to her grandma's house in another state during the transition, which I don't think that I could do, but it sounds like she's happy and thriving. The grandma has been a caregiver for her since birth, so that does make it easier. She should be arriving in a week or so - can't wait! - but we're missing Easter with her.
Instead, I'm meeting S to watch the UO bball game (go Ducks!) this afternoon out at a sports bar somewhere, then going to dance tomorrow morning for the first time in over seven months - my knee is doing great with daily use and working out but I'm planning to take it easy - and meeting S afterwards for Easter brunch. Looking forward to our plans, but I'd still rather be with my brother's kids right now dying eggs!
S and I have been doing pretty well. We hit a bump in the road a week or two ago around his jealousy rearing it's head again and my frustrated attempt to set a boundary which then triggered him, but have moved through it in part thanks to the NVC couple's group we've been attending. We still plan to see our counselor to work through it further but are feeling close now. He's in his last round of chemo treatments and doing well so far, but we still have a few months to get through. As a reward for getting through it all, we plan to travel to Ireland in September! His step-son is getting married near Dublin. Woo hoo! It will be my first time traveling there, though I do have some roots in my ancestors, the Dunlavy's.
We have also had further conversations about becoming parents and made headway. We talked about different options, and I think he's coming around to donor embryo or foster adoption, but it's another thing we plan to discuss with our counselor. He's understandably worried about finances and the long-term responsibility piece. He makes a very good salary at this current job and honestly I'm not sure where it all goes and why he can't save more than he does. I know he has some credit card debt, but as I'm writing this I wonder if he's paying alimony to his ex-wife. We have had some money conversations but haven't gotten that far, yet.
My business continues to build slowly in fits and starts. I have a couple more career consultations this week so wish me luck. I'm also still waiting to hear back about two college counselor applications I submitted. My ideal is still to land a part-time counseling gig and continue building my business. There is a chance that I could be re-hired and given hours at my previous college for summer/fall, so I'm keeping an eye on that, as well. My marketing/client attraction program just formally ended with the final intensive last weekend, but I'm assisting at the next event in April and plan to stay connected, hopefully doing their speaker and leverage programs in the near future. I would definitely love to publish an e-book and get some videos or a home study program online! I officially joined my BNI local networking/referral group last week and am super excited about the potential there to get a steady stream of new clients. We are meeting for a second time next week.
Still waiting to see what happens with my housemate/living situation, but she couldn't pay rent on time this month, and I'm wondering if she might be on her way out. Considering that factor plus negative responses from the college district nearest S, it looks like it might be a good thing for S to eventually move in here. More shall be revealed soon, hopefully, on that front. Guess that's all the news for now...Hope you have a very Happy Easter weekend!
It's Easter weekend, and I'm feeling a little sad not to be spending it with a little one. I told S that I wanted to spend this Easter with a child - my nieces and nephew or his grandchild - but it's not working out unfortunately. His daughter and son-in-law did make the move out here. She has a job already, and he has been interviewing and is close to landing one. They sent their one-year-old to her grandma's house in another state during the transition, which I don't think that I could do, but it sounds like she's happy and thriving. The grandma has been a caregiver for her since birth, so that does make it easier. She should be arriving in a week or so - can't wait! - but we're missing Easter with her.
Instead, I'm meeting S to watch the UO bball game (go Ducks!) this afternoon out at a sports bar somewhere, then going to dance tomorrow morning for the first time in over seven months - my knee is doing great with daily use and working out but I'm planning to take it easy - and meeting S afterwards for Easter brunch. Looking forward to our plans, but I'd still rather be with my brother's kids right now dying eggs!
S and I have been doing pretty well. We hit a bump in the road a week or two ago around his jealousy rearing it's head again and my frustrated attempt to set a boundary which then triggered him, but have moved through it in part thanks to the NVC couple's group we've been attending. We still plan to see our counselor to work through it further but are feeling close now. He's in his last round of chemo treatments and doing well so far, but we still have a few months to get through. As a reward for getting through it all, we plan to travel to Ireland in September! His step-son is getting married near Dublin. Woo hoo! It will be my first time traveling there, though I do have some roots in my ancestors, the Dunlavy's.
We have also had further conversations about becoming parents and made headway. We talked about different options, and I think he's coming around to donor embryo or foster adoption, but it's another thing we plan to discuss with our counselor. He's understandably worried about finances and the long-term responsibility piece. He makes a very good salary at this current job and honestly I'm not sure where it all goes and why he can't save more than he does. I know he has some credit card debt, but as I'm writing this I wonder if he's paying alimony to his ex-wife. We have had some money conversations but haven't gotten that far, yet.
My business continues to build slowly in fits and starts. I have a couple more career consultations this week so wish me luck. I'm also still waiting to hear back about two college counselor applications I submitted. My ideal is still to land a part-time counseling gig and continue building my business. There is a chance that I could be re-hired and given hours at my previous college for summer/fall, so I'm keeping an eye on that, as well. My marketing/client attraction program just formally ended with the final intensive last weekend, but I'm assisting at the next event in April and plan to stay connected, hopefully doing their speaker and leverage programs in the near future. I would definitely love to publish an e-book and get some videos or a home study program online! I officially joined my BNI local networking/referral group last week and am super excited about the potential there to get a steady stream of new clients. We are meeting for a second time next week.
Still waiting to see what happens with my housemate/living situation, but she couldn't pay rent on time this month, and I'm wondering if she might be on her way out. Considering that factor plus negative responses from the college district nearest S, it looks like it might be a good thing for S to eventually move in here. More shall be revealed soon, hopefully, on that front. Guess that's all the news for now...Hope you have a very Happy Easter weekend!
3/12/2016
So Annoyed
I just received a letter saying my equivalency application for one of the local college districts was denied. WTF?! I have been working in another local district for the last several years, and on top of that my equivalency application for yet another local district was very recently accepted. As I understand it, these standards are uniform across the state so why am I being denied by this one district? Argh! I have had nothing but bad experiences applying for schools within this district, so I am beginning to think that I am not meant to work for them.
Also, it's stormy, wet, and grey here, and I have a big case of PMS. So. Annoyed.
Thanks for listening. Hope your weekends are going better so far.
Also, it's stormy, wet, and grey here, and I have a big case of PMS. So. Annoyed.
Thanks for listening. Hope your weekends are going better so far.
3/02/2016
Liminal Hopes and Dreams
I'm feeling kind of lost today for some reason... I'm sad to say I had another shocking confrontation with my housemate a couple nights ago. Not as bad as others but still very disturbing to my psyche and peace of mind. Not surprisingly it had to do with sharing what she thinks of as "hers," i.e. the tv which she owns. *Located in the middle of our living room, the fact of which makes it seems silly to buy another tv but perhaps that's what I should do.
Synopsis: She was gone at a family gathering for a couple hours during the academy awards. I was watching it when she came home and it was literally at the last three or four minutes when they reveal best actor and best movie, which they build up to all night. I asked to have a few minutes longer, which I think most reasonable people would understand and agree to, but she stood there angrily in her robe. The show actually went overtime and cutoff so I left. I came back in for a moment to let her know what the recording time where she had left off watching earlier and she erupted in rage and again called me a "Taker," and also said, "I don't know who you think you are, but you're not that person."
WTF is that psychological abuse? Trying to get in someone's head and make them question who they are? And she's supposedly worked as a therapist. So yucky and disturbing. I pay half of the cable and give her wide berth in watching it when she wants. The fact she's gone two to three nights per week at her daughters has made this situation tolerable to begin with, but she's coming back this afternoon and I feel the oppressive energy of that fact. So. Done. With. Her.
I really do like this house very well, in all aspects but the bathroom which the owner didn't renovate when he did the kitchen. The kitchen is large and nice and new, with tiling and lots of counter space, etc. The location is pretty nice, as well, within walking distance of this small town's downtown and near two nice parks. S and I have talked about him taking it over when she leaves so I'm trying to stick it out. She said she wants to leave and plans on leaving but it's now March when she initially said the beginning of the year.
There are other situations unfolding which play into where we live (we are talking about us living together wherever that may be) - including if and where I land another counseling job. If it's at the college near where I live right now, then the situation mentioned above is the one we would go for. I think we would pay Marilyn off in some way or try and negotiate with the owner. I don't have confidence she would want to help us at all, but I have found that money talks to her. I would even help her find a place, as far as sending her leads. I think she should live in a mother-in-law unit or apartment near her daughter in a city that's about 45 minutes away.
Anyway, that's one scenario. The other ones are either that I get hired up north in S. Rosa full-time or in the E. Bay (near bkly and oklnd) full-time or part-time. The first option would lead us to move up there, the second option we could stay here or move closer in, finding a place with a yard in a walkable pocket neighborhood. Zoey of course is a huge factor. She's worth it but she adds further considerations, mainly that the place is dog-friendly and has a yard, which hugely limit the choices. I do NOT like long commutes, however, so I would work to avoid that, unless BART worked super well for the location.
In the meanwhile, I do feel lucky right now that I have an abundance of time to work on my business. Honestly, sometimes I get stuck and am not sure what I should even be doing, but at those times I just need to go back to making lists and prioritizing... sometimes I wish someone would tell me, "This is the most important thing to work on right now, then this and this." ha I have to be the grown one and direct myself.
My introversion, while a strength in many ways, is holding me back on the networking front. I have every intention of going to a networking event, but then the time comes and I just don't have the energy or motivation. Sounds lame saying it. I am totally and 100% committed to attending a networking group next week, which may or may not lead to a solid referral network, fingers crossed. Looking for other ways to inspire and butt kick my way to attending other events, like committing to going with someone else. Also, finding events close by seems to really help energetically.
This afternoon and evening are quite busy starting with an appointment with the counselor I and we have seen in the past. I want to explore how to let go or give less weight to the idealization and fantasy around my "first true love." I realize that's what I've been subconsciously comparing every relationship since then to...I went back and read blog posts from when I gave it a second try with that person. What a nightmare in so many ways. From feeling bored and distant, to insecure when he was checking out my sister, to abandoned when he headed up to keep drinking when I wanted to call it a night during my brother's wedding weekend, to retraumatized when he made a unilateral decision to abruptly end things as he had more than two decades ago.
The "one thing" that was great was our base physical chemistry. He did not even kiss well and was not a great lover. But I felt physically drawn to him and comfortable with him in that area. I have researched and found out that this is "a thing" to idealize and be hung up on your first true love, and I want to contextualize it and get help with managing it and giving it less weight. Can any of you relate to this dilemma?
After my counseling appointment, I'm heading into the office to meet with a client, then I'm meeting up with S for our Val.entine's dinner romantic makeup dinner. He had the stomach flu that night, so we never ended up going to that awesome restaurant I was talking about. Tonight is our do-over! Should be really fun and connecting; I love these type of dinners with S.
Happy March to you! Hopefully, I'll have some good news to report on the job or business front next time.
Synopsis: She was gone at a family gathering for a couple hours during the academy awards. I was watching it when she came home and it was literally at the last three or four minutes when they reveal best actor and best movie, which they build up to all night. I asked to have a few minutes longer, which I think most reasonable people would understand and agree to, but she stood there angrily in her robe. The show actually went overtime and cutoff so I left. I came back in for a moment to let her know what the recording time where she had left off watching earlier and she erupted in rage and again called me a "Taker," and also said, "I don't know who you think you are, but you're not that person."
WTF is that psychological abuse? Trying to get in someone's head and make them question who they are? And she's supposedly worked as a therapist. So yucky and disturbing. I pay half of the cable and give her wide berth in watching it when she wants. The fact she's gone two to three nights per week at her daughters has made this situation tolerable to begin with, but she's coming back this afternoon and I feel the oppressive energy of that fact. So. Done. With. Her.
I really do like this house very well, in all aspects but the bathroom which the owner didn't renovate when he did the kitchen. The kitchen is large and nice and new, with tiling and lots of counter space, etc. The location is pretty nice, as well, within walking distance of this small town's downtown and near two nice parks. S and I have talked about him taking it over when she leaves so I'm trying to stick it out. She said she wants to leave and plans on leaving but it's now March when she initially said the beginning of the year.
There are other situations unfolding which play into where we live (we are talking about us living together wherever that may be) - including if and where I land another counseling job. If it's at the college near where I live right now, then the situation mentioned above is the one we would go for. I think we would pay Marilyn off in some way or try and negotiate with the owner. I don't have confidence she would want to help us at all, but I have found that money talks to her. I would even help her find a place, as far as sending her leads. I think she should live in a mother-in-law unit or apartment near her daughter in a city that's about 45 minutes away.
Anyway, that's one scenario. The other ones are either that I get hired up north in S. Rosa full-time or in the E. Bay (near bkly and oklnd) full-time or part-time. The first option would lead us to move up there, the second option we could stay here or move closer in, finding a place with a yard in a walkable pocket neighborhood. Zoey of course is a huge factor. She's worth it but she adds further considerations, mainly that the place is dog-friendly and has a yard, which hugely limit the choices. I do NOT like long commutes, however, so I would work to avoid that, unless BART worked super well for the location.
In the meanwhile, I do feel lucky right now that I have an abundance of time to work on my business. Honestly, sometimes I get stuck and am not sure what I should even be doing, but at those times I just need to go back to making lists and prioritizing... sometimes I wish someone would tell me, "This is the most important thing to work on right now, then this and this." ha I have to be the grown one and direct myself.
My introversion, while a strength in many ways, is holding me back on the networking front. I have every intention of going to a networking event, but then the time comes and I just don't have the energy or motivation. Sounds lame saying it. I am totally and 100% committed to attending a networking group next week, which may or may not lead to a solid referral network, fingers crossed. Looking for other ways to inspire and butt kick my way to attending other events, like committing to going with someone else. Also, finding events close by seems to really help energetically.
This afternoon and evening are quite busy starting with an appointment with the counselor I and we have seen in the past. I want to explore how to let go or give less weight to the idealization and fantasy around my "first true love." I realize that's what I've been subconsciously comparing every relationship since then to...I went back and read blog posts from when I gave it a second try with that person. What a nightmare in so many ways. From feeling bored and distant, to insecure when he was checking out my sister, to abandoned when he headed up to keep drinking when I wanted to call it a night during my brother's wedding weekend, to retraumatized when he made a unilateral decision to abruptly end things as he had more than two decades ago.
The "one thing" that was great was our base physical chemistry. He did not even kiss well and was not a great lover. But I felt physically drawn to him and comfortable with him in that area. I have researched and found out that this is "a thing" to idealize and be hung up on your first true love, and I want to contextualize it and get help with managing it and giving it less weight. Can any of you relate to this dilemma?
After my counseling appointment, I'm heading into the office to meet with a client, then I'm meeting up with S for our Val.entine's dinner romantic makeup dinner. He had the stomach flu that night, so we never ended up going to that awesome restaurant I was talking about. Tonight is our do-over! Should be really fun and connecting; I love these type of dinners with S.
Happy March to you! Hopefully, I'll have some good news to report on the job or business front next time.
2/22/2016
Expanding Business and Family
I just attended another weekend intensive for my business marketing program. Whew, my Introvert is once again exhausted! I'm glad I went, though, because I am now re-inspired to keep the momentum growing with my business.
I also had a moment of insight that I hope will continue to unfold and positively affect my energy and the flow of money in my business. It happened near the end of the last day when the program leader did another "break-through" session with an attendee that helped them heal from a block holding them back. We then went through an exercise that could potentially heal the same block in us... basically, letting other people's criticism and ways they had hurt us hold us back from expressing our gifts and living our life fully. I initially thought that my "issue" was around a frat guy kind of archetype being critical of or hurtful to me - which I have had some unfortunate experience with and which my dad resembles in some ways - but then during the exercise I became emotionally triggered when my partner looked away at someone else in the room (we were taking turns doing dance/movement for the purpose of taking our power back). When she did that, I felt my power immediately drop out of me and I couldn't recover it, ending the exercise feeling sad.
On reflection, I realized a core issue for me is letting others define whether I am important or "good enough." It may sound simple, but it feels significant to pinpoint. It's odd because I have felt scared to be "seen" at time with putting my business communication and messages into the world, but I think underlying that is a fear that I will put my heart out there and create something I care about and want to share with others and no one will be interested or want it. So, I think that leads to me playing it somewhat safe and not wholeheartedly putting myself out there in my work and daring to care or become attached. Something like that. I'm still figuring it out. Anyway, I feel grateful and plan to discuss it in my business coaching session because I think it will lead to growth. This program places importance on both the "inner" and "outer" game or work we do, which resonates with the way I view my own work with clients and is a big part of why I joined this program.
S and I are getting along well and have had fun together lately, as well as sharing some productive and loving conversations. After struggling with my judgmental side coming up again strongly in our relationship, I made a shift in which I changed the question to "how" versus "whether." In other words, focusing on how to be in the relationship and deal with my judgments versus whether to continue in the relationship considering the judgments, which I think is a positive boundary for me. My mind definitely has the tendency to fixate on something and drive me, and others, crazy at times. He is being very helpful and supportive with my business, which feels awesome.
Lastly, his daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter are definitely moving out here in a month or month and a half. His granddaughter is only one and a half and a smart and adorable little girl. We will spend time with them regularly, I think, and be part of their support system. S will more than me, but I see both of us being involved, especially considering my thus far very positive connection with his daughter and the way S and my relationship is heading. Wow, just thinking about that is exciting! And I can enjoy it without reservation because S is supportive now of my own desire to become a mom. So, I don't feel like it's one or the other or in place of having my own child.
Oh, and S is recovered from his stomach flu and finally getting back to regular strength after his surgery. I know he has more treatment to come, but it's nice to have some time where he is feeling good!
I also had a moment of insight that I hope will continue to unfold and positively affect my energy and the flow of money in my business. It happened near the end of the last day when the program leader did another "break-through" session with an attendee that helped them heal from a block holding them back. We then went through an exercise that could potentially heal the same block in us... basically, letting other people's criticism and ways they had hurt us hold us back from expressing our gifts and living our life fully. I initially thought that my "issue" was around a frat guy kind of archetype being critical of or hurtful to me - which I have had some unfortunate experience with and which my dad resembles in some ways - but then during the exercise I became emotionally triggered when my partner looked away at someone else in the room (we were taking turns doing dance/movement for the purpose of taking our power back). When she did that, I felt my power immediately drop out of me and I couldn't recover it, ending the exercise feeling sad.
On reflection, I realized a core issue for me is letting others define whether I am important or "good enough." It may sound simple, but it feels significant to pinpoint. It's odd because I have felt scared to be "seen" at time with putting my business communication and messages into the world, but I think underlying that is a fear that I will put my heart out there and create something I care about and want to share with others and no one will be interested or want it. So, I think that leads to me playing it somewhat safe and not wholeheartedly putting myself out there in my work and daring to care or become attached. Something like that. I'm still figuring it out. Anyway, I feel grateful and plan to discuss it in my business coaching session because I think it will lead to growth. This program places importance on both the "inner" and "outer" game or work we do, which resonates with the way I view my own work with clients and is a big part of why I joined this program.
S and I are getting along well and have had fun together lately, as well as sharing some productive and loving conversations. After struggling with my judgmental side coming up again strongly in our relationship, I made a shift in which I changed the question to "how" versus "whether." In other words, focusing on how to be in the relationship and deal with my judgments versus whether to continue in the relationship considering the judgments, which I think is a positive boundary for me. My mind definitely has the tendency to fixate on something and drive me, and others, crazy at times. He is being very helpful and supportive with my business, which feels awesome.
Lastly, his daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter are definitely moving out here in a month or month and a half. His granddaughter is only one and a half and a smart and adorable little girl. We will spend time with them regularly, I think, and be part of their support system. S will more than me, but I see both of us being involved, especially considering my thus far very positive connection with his daughter and the way S and my relationship is heading. Wow, just thinking about that is exciting! And I can enjoy it without reservation because S is supportive now of my own desire to become a mom. So, I don't feel like it's one or the other or in place of having my own child.
Oh, and S is recovered from his stomach flu and finally getting back to regular strength after his surgery. I know he has more treatment to come, but it's nice to have some time where he is feeling good!
2/11/2016
Labor and Love
Ach! Going crazy with the roommate over here. She is a Diva with the space; flouncing into the living room or kitchen at her convenience expecting me to jump up and move. Now, I'm working at my desk and she's in the living room just next door with the TV on. Ach! Thank God she's leaving midday for a couple of days. And thank God for headphones and calming Youtube recordings.
In other news, S had a bump in the road with his surgery recovery. His largest laparoscopic wound (not sure what to call it) got infected and broke open. He had to go back into the hospital for a couple days. It understandably freaked him out as it happened in the middle of the night and he had to call an ambulance to take him in. He's doing okay now so, fingers crossed, recovery will go as planned from here on out.
We have our couples NVC class this evening. There are only two couples in the class, which creates an almost uncomfortable intimacy between all of us in the small meeting room. We are being asked to share a lot of vulnerable feelings and experiences around our relationship communication, which is good and leading to some insights, but I admit I wish there one more couple at least. We learn from other couples sharing, as well. It's an 8-week class, so a few more to go. S and I have talked about how the class is refreshing the NVC concepts and principles in our minds, which positively affects our relationship in subtle ways. Overall, feeling grateful about it.
On the work front, I found a federally-funded career one-stop center (I recommend that those of you job searching check these out!) a short drive away and have decided this will be my "home base" for business work and job search activities when my roommate is home or I need to access their printing resources, etc. Yay! I completed the required equivalency application for the college district in which I'd like to work, and plan to submit another application today.
With my own business, I'm enjoying working with my clients and organically discovering various business systems to make things easier, such as a scheduling system, a note-tracking system, and a client contract template. My clients are generally awesome and fun to work with. And on the heels of last months poorly attended Meetup - one person! - last night I had four women attend and all of them signed up for free half-hour career consultations! Please send good thoughts that a couple of these lead to them becoming new clients.
Thank you so much for your kind wishes about S's surgery; they are really appreciated. We have plans for a lovely and scrumptious Valentine's Day dinner at an amazing restaurant, where we went a couple years ago for S's birthday. So looking forward to it! We decided we needed a romantic and fun night out after all the recent challenges.
Hope your Valentine's Day is full of love; be it romantic or with close friends and family.
In other news, S had a bump in the road with his surgery recovery. His largest laparoscopic wound (not sure what to call it) got infected and broke open. He had to go back into the hospital for a couple days. It understandably freaked him out as it happened in the middle of the night and he had to call an ambulance to take him in. He's doing okay now so, fingers crossed, recovery will go as planned from here on out.
We have our couples NVC class this evening. There are only two couples in the class, which creates an almost uncomfortable intimacy between all of us in the small meeting room. We are being asked to share a lot of vulnerable feelings and experiences around our relationship communication, which is good and leading to some insights, but I admit I wish there one more couple at least. We learn from other couples sharing, as well. It's an 8-week class, so a few more to go. S and I have talked about how the class is refreshing the NVC concepts and principles in our minds, which positively affects our relationship in subtle ways. Overall, feeling grateful about it.
On the work front, I found a federally-funded career one-stop center (I recommend that those of you job searching check these out!) a short drive away and have decided this will be my "home base" for business work and job search activities when my roommate is home or I need to access their printing resources, etc. Yay! I completed the required equivalency application for the college district in which I'd like to work, and plan to submit another application today.
With my own business, I'm enjoying working with my clients and organically discovering various business systems to make things easier, such as a scheduling system, a note-tracking system, and a client contract template. My clients are generally awesome and fun to work with. And on the heels of last months poorly attended Meetup - one person! - last night I had four women attend and all of them signed up for free half-hour career consultations! Please send good thoughts that a couple of these lead to them becoming new clients.
Thank you so much for your kind wishes about S's surgery; they are really appreciated. We have plans for a lovely and scrumptious Valentine's Day dinner at an amazing restaurant, where we went a couple years ago for S's birthday. So looking forward to it! We decided we needed a romantic and fun night out after all the recent challenges.
Hope your Valentine's Day is full of love; be it romantic or with close friends and family.
1/30/2016
We Made it to the Other Side of Surgery!
We successfully made it through S's colon cancer surgery! Yay!
From what the doctor said, everything went well, and the part of the colon he removed had "clean edges," which means cancer free to the eye (his chemo and radiation did it's job). S still has to have a final round of chemo beginning in a few weeks, so that any microscopic cancer cells are destroyed and chances of recurrence go way down. The surgery lasted a couple hours longer than initially planned, and the doctor told me it was because he is carrying extra weight so it took longer to create the ileostomy. This is a health issue S said he plans to address going forward, fingers crossed.
I may not have mentioned that S has to have a temporary ileostomy for six months. It would normally be 9 weeks but he has to recover from this surgery, undergo chemo, then recover from chemo, then have the ileostomy reversal surgery. So, yeah, it is a lot of treatment and recovery, but it should be completed by summer, thank God.
I had a moment of feeling really overwhelmed and questioning whether I could handle going through this with S considering our level of commitment... my thoughts were that this is the kind of thing where you would automatically jump into supporting your spouse if you were married, but S and I are not married and were even having some bumps in our relationship a month or two ago. For one thing, I want to pursue having or adopting a child and S was uncertain how he felt about that.
But in the days prior to the surgery, we talked about these issues and worked through them. S still isn't as excited as I am about having a child - for him, another child - and admitted he had been hoping I might let that dream go (really? after all I've been through and all you know about me? grr), but I said that I needed him to be supportive and to make the situation "better" with him there than "worse." I said I knew it couldn't be his focus with so much on his plate but that I potentially wanted to move forward within this six month time frame of his treatment/recovery and needed to know he would be supportive. I'm happy to say, he agreed. *As a caviat, I want to say that moving forward would assume that I either nailed down another "for sure" college counseling job or my business took off in a way that would provide a consistent, livable income.
Also, I was able to wrap my brain around the six months (!) of treatment and what that entailed and, though we didn't say specifically we intended to get engaged/married, we did broach the subject. He indicated he valued me bringing it up and wanted to talk again in the near future. Yes, a lot has gone down in the last few weeks!
S gets out of the hospital today, and I will pick him up and take him home to his house. His daughter is arriving today from the DC and intends to stay with him tonight, so I will probably go home later and give them time. I admit I'm nervous about that, though, since she would be staying in a separate room downstairs and what if, God forbid, something came up where he couldn't call out to her. We will see how things unfold.
I will post more on other life happenings soon. Hope your year is starting well and less dramatically!
From what the doctor said, everything went well, and the part of the colon he removed had "clean edges," which means cancer free to the eye (his chemo and radiation did it's job). S still has to have a final round of chemo beginning in a few weeks, so that any microscopic cancer cells are destroyed and chances of recurrence go way down. The surgery lasted a couple hours longer than initially planned, and the doctor told me it was because he is carrying extra weight so it took longer to create the ileostomy. This is a health issue S said he plans to address going forward, fingers crossed.
I may not have mentioned that S has to have a temporary ileostomy for six months. It would normally be 9 weeks but he has to recover from this surgery, undergo chemo, then recover from chemo, then have the ileostomy reversal surgery. So, yeah, it is a lot of treatment and recovery, but it should be completed by summer, thank God.
I had a moment of feeling really overwhelmed and questioning whether I could handle going through this with S considering our level of commitment... my thoughts were that this is the kind of thing where you would automatically jump into supporting your spouse if you were married, but S and I are not married and were even having some bumps in our relationship a month or two ago. For one thing, I want to pursue having or adopting a child and S was uncertain how he felt about that.
But in the days prior to the surgery, we talked about these issues and worked through them. S still isn't as excited as I am about having a child - for him, another child - and admitted he had been hoping I might let that dream go (really? after all I've been through and all you know about me? grr), but I said that I needed him to be supportive and to make the situation "better" with him there than "worse." I said I knew it couldn't be his focus with so much on his plate but that I potentially wanted to move forward within this six month time frame of his treatment/recovery and needed to know he would be supportive. I'm happy to say, he agreed. *As a caviat, I want to say that moving forward would assume that I either nailed down another "for sure" college counseling job or my business took off in a way that would provide a consistent, livable income.
Also, I was able to wrap my brain around the six months (!) of treatment and what that entailed and, though we didn't say specifically we intended to get engaged/married, we did broach the subject. He indicated he valued me bringing it up and wanted to talk again in the near future. Yes, a lot has gone down in the last few weeks!
S gets out of the hospital today, and I will pick him up and take him home to his house. His daughter is arriving today from the DC and intends to stay with him tonight, so I will probably go home later and give them time. I admit I'm nervous about that, though, since she would be staying in a separate room downstairs and what if, God forbid, something came up where he couldn't call out to her. We will see how things unfold.
I will post more on other life happenings soon. Hope your year is starting well and less dramatically!
1/10/2016
Happy New Year 2016!
Checking in post holiday madness... It feels like we have turned the corner into the new year and all the possibilities it holds. Our family trip to Oregon was good overall, all things considered. Highlights included:
- Seeing my nieces and nephew of course! They are getting bigger and are so very, very cute. I took the older two out for ice cream with S one night, which was fun. My oldest niece, J, is totally into reading books now, just like I was at her age! I gave her a big book of horse stories that had once been mine, which she seemed excited about.
- We went to the coast with my brother, sister-in-law, and two littlest nieces one day, and I ran from the waves on the beach with the three-year-old, like my Dad used to do with me. The baby (10-months now) is getting cuter all the time and still has a mellow personality, like my brother - a nice contrast to her big sister who is super active and feisty. :)
- S and I worked out every day at the family athletic club during the last few days there. We had a dog-friendly hotel room in walking distance from downtown, which worked out really well. When we got back, we joined a small workout gym down the street from my house and are both looking forward to continuing our efforts to increase fitness.
- As expected, we all felt some sadness on Christmas missing my Mom. I had a good cry at the end of the day and lit a candle in her memory. Her birthday was yesterday, as well, and we all raised a virtual glass of wine in her honor.
- My Dad and Aunt, who are now very officially an item, were still in their "new romance" mode, which can be annoying as he is then not fully present to what's going on. We all - except for my sister's family who took a short family trip - attended the NYE party at the athletic club (which was just "okay" but had fun dancing with S) and my brother was annoyed that Dad and my Aunt were kissing on the dance floor at the end of the night. :-/ That said, S and I did have a nice goodbye breakfast with them the day we drove back. Apparently, there are plans being made for her to move to Oregon.
- Relationship-wise, S and I got along "okay," which is actually a big step up, if you can recall previous trips. Sorry for TMI, but I was on my cycle during the first half of the trip and then S had a stomach bug the last half, so we didn't have much "romance," but were able to live together in a very small hotel room for twice the time we normally stay, have fun, and work through disagreements fairly well and quickly when they came up. Ironically, at the very end of the trip, we had our worst fight about the way I talked to him when I told him to stop removing the lights on a fake Xmas tree we were readying to return to my sister. I felt justified telling him to stop because I had asked him not to take them off in the first place. He thought he was doing the safe thing, and also felt I was being controlling and should let this small thing go. So the first part of our drive was stressful but then I had a cry, which in hindsight was likely releasing emotions from the family trip as much as being about our argument, and we talked it through.
Work-wise, my routine has changed a lot, though, in that, as mentioned, I'm not at the college this semester (except for a few days week after next). I caught a flu last week, though, so have only had a few days of health. I have one more client now, bringing the total to six and hope to gain two more by the end of this month. Please send me good wishes! I sent out a mass holiday letter and will be following up with past and potential clients/referral partners by phone starting next week. I also have another career transition meet-up group next Wednesday evening with six people signed up so far. At these monthly meet-ups, I will continue to sign folks up for free consultations and hope to gain another client or two each time. I'm also in the process of developing a newsletter and other social media ideas so that will help with outreach, as well.
I also have two more applications to submit for local counseling jobs. I have started receiving unemployment, which should help me get through the next two-three months. I wish I could know where the chips will fall on the job front. I'm not sure whether I would prefer to just rely on my business or whether I would like to find another part-time college counseling gig and continue that in addition to working with 8-10 clients. In a way, working at the college two days a week would be ideal right now because I just show up and leave, without taking work home. With my clients, I need to track each of their progress and do a lot of outside research and communication. I have adjusted to having six clients but 10-15 will definitely be another level of adjustment. I enjoy the outside work with clients more, however.
Completely relying on individual client load, it seems at my current fee structure, I would need 15+ clients. I'm still figuring it all out, and I feel like there are parts of this puzzle that are out of my hands. I suppose I am just going to continue to take the next steps in both applying for jobs and building my business until things become more clear.
12/22/2015
Lots Happening Over Here
Much has happened this last week...
S and I were denied on our co-housing bid! On very short notice, we heard of this co-housing development, toured the construction at an open house, and put our hats in the ring. Honestly, it was an awkward and challenging process, and S and I learned as much about each other and working as team as we did about the community and their requirements and opportunities. The super enticing part of this co-housing development for me was - well, of course living in co-housing, in which you have your own separate unit, as well as share a large common kitchen, common space, and community meals and activities - but also that we could buy in at 2% and work our way up to 5-10% ownership in the LLC. For S and I, who don't have huge savings, this was an exciting avenue for ownership and increased security.
But it was not to be... I found the four people who were current members and "in charge" of the process to be woefully inadequate at group facilitation, as well as just generally not very warm and welcoming. To make it worse, the head guy who started the project and secured the financing, thought he was a *great* facilitator and just generally had a very high opinion of himself.
Additional factors included S and I having a couple of drinks at an event before the first group meeting and S talking a bit too much (which could easily have been managed by a skilled facilitator). It wasn't some drunken tirade or anything, just a little too verbose, which the head guy actually brought up to him at a separate meeting with us (!) and S responded non-defensively and positively. Also, they wanted people of color, as all four of them are white and they want to represent the diversity of the neighborhood. This is positive but also difficult, as the starting group is not diverse.
In any case, I think it's for the best it didn't work out and am hopeful we will find a better situation for us. Part of moving forward with that is clarifying what type of place we want and where we want to be located... complicated by the fact that I may find a part or full-time counseling job in a number of cities in the B@y Area. My business is growing, but I am not yet ready to completely rely on it financially. Overall, an exciting planning process, actually! But some stress, too.
Also, since I mentioned my birthday in the last post, I wanted to share that it was a great day and night! Mani-Pedi was lovely and relaxing, I did a bit of Xmas shopping, as well, and then met S for appetizers and drinks at a fun and surprisingly tasty upscale vegan restaurant, then moved down the street to another cozy restaurant with a lovely ambiance and waitstaff for dinner. Chocolate Pot for dessert - yummm.
I am doing very well with Christmas preparations for Oregon but suddenly here we are - leaving tomorrow morning! Ack! I still have some shopping to do, Zoey needs a bath, and I need to pack! What I have done is make banana bread and cookies, do all the laundry, including Zoey's, and do much of the shopping. So. many. people. to shop for, and I'm once again thinking longingly of the families that pick one person out of a hat or just buy presents for the kids. Ah well, it will be nice on Christmas. Speaking of which, I better get going on my long list for today! I hope you have a wonderful Christmas! I will check in again from Oregon...
p.s. S seems to have wrapped his head around being a Dad and a Grandpa (his young daughter - early 20s - had a baby this year), and we have been talking about possibilities... Of course, we need to get through the next phase of his treatment.
S and I were denied on our co-housing bid! On very short notice, we heard of this co-housing development, toured the construction at an open house, and put our hats in the ring. Honestly, it was an awkward and challenging process, and S and I learned as much about each other and working as team as we did about the community and their requirements and opportunities. The super enticing part of this co-housing development for me was - well, of course living in co-housing, in which you have your own separate unit, as well as share a large common kitchen, common space, and community meals and activities - but also that we could buy in at 2% and work our way up to 5-10% ownership in the LLC. For S and I, who don't have huge savings, this was an exciting avenue for ownership and increased security.
But it was not to be... I found the four people who were current members and "in charge" of the process to be woefully inadequate at group facilitation, as well as just generally not very warm and welcoming. To make it worse, the head guy who started the project and secured the financing, thought he was a *great* facilitator and just generally had a very high opinion of himself.
Additional factors included S and I having a couple of drinks at an event before the first group meeting and S talking a bit too much (which could easily have been managed by a skilled facilitator). It wasn't some drunken tirade or anything, just a little too verbose, which the head guy actually brought up to him at a separate meeting with us (!) and S responded non-defensively and positively. Also, they wanted people of color, as all four of them are white and they want to represent the diversity of the neighborhood. This is positive but also difficult, as the starting group is not diverse.
In any case, I think it's for the best it didn't work out and am hopeful we will find a better situation for us. Part of moving forward with that is clarifying what type of place we want and where we want to be located... complicated by the fact that I may find a part or full-time counseling job in a number of cities in the B@y Area. My business is growing, but I am not yet ready to completely rely on it financially. Overall, an exciting planning process, actually! But some stress, too.
Also, since I mentioned my birthday in the last post, I wanted to share that it was a great day and night! Mani-Pedi was lovely and relaxing, I did a bit of Xmas shopping, as well, and then met S for appetizers and drinks at a fun and surprisingly tasty upscale vegan restaurant, then moved down the street to another cozy restaurant with a lovely ambiance and waitstaff for dinner. Chocolate Pot for dessert - yummm.
I am doing very well with Christmas preparations for Oregon but suddenly here we are - leaving tomorrow morning! Ack! I still have some shopping to do, Zoey needs a bath, and I need to pack! What I have done is make banana bread and cookies, do all the laundry, including Zoey's, and do much of the shopping. So. many. people. to shop for, and I'm once again thinking longingly of the families that pick one person out of a hat or just buy presents for the kids. Ah well, it will be nice on Christmas. Speaking of which, I better get going on my long list for today! I hope you have a wonderful Christmas! I will check in again from Oregon...
p.s. S seems to have wrapped his head around being a Dad and a Grandpa (his young daughter - early 20s - had a baby this year), and we have been talking about possibilities... Of course, we need to get through the next phase of his treatment.
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