The Four Questions

I'm developing and expanding my career counseling activities and tools in the realm of the "inner game" of career transition. "Inner game" meaning working through the fears, self-doubt, and self-sabotage that can come up when you are expanding and pursuing new goals in your career.

Eventually, I envision offering this and other content through group events and online programs, as well as individual counseling. I thought I'd share one tool that clients have said they appreciate lately. It's a tool from Byron Katie called, The Four Questions.

Here are the questions I share with clients, along with other "inner game" tools. I recommend The Four Questions when you're wrestling with persistent, negative self-talk. Let me know what you think!
 

The Four Questions

We all have self-judgments or self-doubts that come up in the career change process...i.e. “I'm too old,” “I'm not talented enough,” “I'm not qualified or experienced enough,” etc. Reduce the power of these thoughts by reality checking them with Byron Katie's, "Four Questions":

1. Is it true?
2. Do I absolutely know it's true?
3. How do I react and what happens when I believe that thought?
4. What would I be without that thought?

A Reunion with Twists and Turns

The night before last, around 5:30pm, I headed into O@kland to meet up with S for dinner, then possibly join him for a chorale performance in SF. I hadn't decided yet about the chorale performance because that morning he had switched plans on me and, after initially offering to pick me up, asked me to meet him on his side of the E. Bay for dinner, then take rapid transit together into the city. Not a huge deal, except it was raining all day, added to the fact that it's crowded and an often less-than-pleasant assault to the senses on the train, especially on a weekend night. Plus, I didn't know how our dinner and conversation would go, and the added complications to get there just felt a bit overwhelming.

Once I got to dinner and settled in with a glass of wine and tasty food, I started feeling more amenable. Plus, what he had to tell me was very anti-climactic. I can't say in detail what it was... suffice to say it was about a topic that many men think too much about, and his behaviors in this area. He said it in a way that seemed meant to explain and put blame on himself, but I had heard some variation on this theme dozens of times over our years together - and had so many memories that disproved his framing of the situation - that I am sorry to say my response was less than sensitive. I felt like an old, jaded woman shaking my head. lol I said that maybe there was some truth to what he was saying, but that I felt there was a lot more to it. But if he was happy with framing it that way, then I'm happy for him. So that ended up being a minimal part of the evening.

After dinner, we drove to the station and boarded a train, then took an Uber from the station in SF up the hill to the event. It was kind of funny in retrospect that I had been anxious about taking public transportation that night, then several things went wrong, and I think S felt pressure and worry about it. I wasn't aware of it at the time - I knew he was feeling some stress but wasn't sure why.

The difficulties started with the Uber driving by us three times before finally seeing us. Then, S thought the event started a half hour later than it did and the volunteer staffing the door wouldn't let us in for 10 minutes, until the longest old-timey song in history had concluded. I enjoyed the show but it was fairly short and didn't have an intermission with snacks and drinks, which I think makes it more fun. I was also super parched by the end of the night because the church didn't even have drinking fountains and I forgot a water bottle. After the performance, S got a little lost leading us back to the station, and we meandered through some empty (except for a few homeless folks) and litter-strewn blocks of the city only to wait in a crowded sweatbox of a platform area for 20 minutes until our next train came. He was clearly super anxious by that time, and I said something about it. He admitted it, which broke the tension. I reassured him, and he me - which we rarely did when in relationship.

I should probably share that I think part of his anxiety also came from us holding hands on the way to the station and in the chorale event... I inquired about it initially, and he said that he was not in a committed relationship with the ex and things were uncertain. He brought up that he'd filled out a profile on J-date to prove his point (and no he is not Jewish). For my part, it just felt natural and nice. I don't want to get back together, so in a way it felt more light and "just for fun," which I've rarely felt. We talked a lot about our families and caught up with each other, including my adoption plans.

At the end of the night, we got our cars and he followed me to a gas station as I was on empty. He bought us water, which has never tasted so good. And we did kiss a couple times goodbye - like a friend's kiss with a little extra but definitely not clearly romantic or making out or anything. I said in a prior post that it might be a long while before I see him again, but that I was still looking forward to it. It still may be a long while because I think (and he as much as stated on the phone) that he is comfortable with either completely being together or not being together at all; i.e. close friends with me seems difficult and confusing for him. No way do I want to get back together, even though it felt good and natural spending time with him. I guess time will tell what the future holds.

Hoping, Hoping, Hoping

I'm borrowing last year's prompt for today: "What do you hope happens by the end of this year?"

First of all, I can't believe it's almost the end of November! I think you know you're getting older when time starts going faster. On the other hand, I think time generally goes faster heading into fall because there seem to be a lot of events, and people are trying to cram goals and activities in before the holidays arrive, especially Christmas season, which pretty much starts in a couple of weeks. Ach! If I want to make some of my gifts, I better get on it! But I digress...

By the end of this year, I hope to have my home in good shape to accept an adoption placement, and I hope to have my online profile created, which is a collaborative effort between me and whoever my social worker may be. I don't know if this is realistic, but that's what I hope. I cleaned my bedroom closet today, got rid of a couple of boxes, and did several loads of laundry, which seemed like a step in the right direction.

I would have thought I might have heard from the agency and have scheduled the social worker interview by now. I sent an email inquiry week before last and received this response:

  

"Thank you for the check in. At this point your file is being reviewed by the program supervisor, who will assign you to a social worker. I do not have a timeline on when you will be assigned to a social worker and start the interviews. We will update you once you have a social worker assigned! In the meantime, please keep working on any remaining paperwork and/or start preparing your house for the walk through."

Basically, "Be patient and quite bothering us!"

The other change I hope happens by the end of the year, is to have joined or be close to joining a business referral networking group, likely a BNI chapter, be receiving the higher amount per check from the non-profit for additional hours, and possibly have applied for a secured loan - all amounting to an increase in financial stability. I know I will start my new schedule the week of December 1st and have reached out to local BNI groups expressing interest and visited one last week. I'm not sure if I should apply for the secured loan now or in a month or two when I have increased monthly income.

The wild card is possibly landing a higher paying part-time job, which has it's pros and cons but would definitely help financially. I have applied and continue to apply for these, though it grows wearisome.

So those are my hopes for the next six weeks. May the wind be at my back, and at yours!

Nesting

As I focus more on the steps to become a mom through adoption, I'm thinking more about how attractive, functional, and cozy my home would be for a child. I guess there are two levels of home improvement: one, what the adoption agency requires me to do before placement; and two, what feels comfortable and livable for me if a child is placed in my home. Here are some thoughts that are nagging at me, in terms of home cleaning and improvement, below. * To put this in context, I have never been someone who thought a lot about home decor and improvement. I do like the house to have some nice aesthetic elements and be kept relatively clean, but beyond that, I'm like, "meh."

• Getting the shag living room rug and other rugs professionally cleaned.
• Getting the last few bins and boxes out of my bedroom. These are an example of how I can get used to a situation that isn't great because it seems like too much trouble to change it, and it isn't a priority.
• Finding a vanity table and chair at an antique store or on Cr@igslist. I've been meaning to do this for some time, and it would definitely be a big help to the look of my bedroom, providing a place, other than on top of a large plastic bin, for me to keep my makeup, hair ties, and perfume, etc.
• Doing something in the bathroom... I'm limited there because what would be ideal is to have the tile shelving, which is obviously quite old and coming apart in places, redone or removed. Whoever had that idea was a little bonkers. Small tile shelving? Water and grout? Makes no sense. Sooo, yeah, in lieu of that, I think maybe a tray on the shelf with an inch or two edge for the bottles and maybe a hand towel underneath with edge to set razors (it's a high shelf)? Something that feels more functional and effective. Any other ideas would be much appreciated. I guess I'd need a bin for bath toys, too!
• I'd like to clean the couch. It's that faux suede type fabric and I know there are furniture cleaners made for that.
• If I got really ambitious, I would re-stain or paint my wood dining room table and chairs.

Then, there are specifically child-focused furniture and items I would like to bring into the home, such as:

• Child's dresser and wardrobe
• Child-size table and chairs
• Child's bookshelf
• Mobile and art... considering themes, if I chose hippos, I would already have several cute items since I collected hippos for many years. Other ideas: the mountain forest (think evergreen trees and Bambi animals :); Babaar (I loved those books and have lots of elephants from my Grammy's collection); or the circus... what do you think? I like interesting and colorful themes.
• Other needed furniture and home equipment, depending on age of child, including a changing table, crib, bouncy swing and/or rolling baby walker.

I'm really lucky in that my sister and brother have had four kids between them, and I know there would be hand-me-downs coming my way in the form of furniture, clothes, and toys.

I guess you could say I am starting to enter "nesting" mode, which is brand new for me! I don't want to get too far ahead of myself, but it's exciting to think about. When I schedule the meeting here with the social worker, I imagine that will launch me into gear to do more of these things asap. Fingers crossed. What was your nesting experience, and when did it hit you?

Starting the weekend on a positive note...

Quick positive post heading into the weekend... My housemate is out of town until Tuesday so looking forward to having the house to myself for a few days. I might make a yummy brunch tomorrow, do some business stuff and work out in the afternoon, then have a fun evening out at the chorale concert.

Plus, my supervisor brought up adding 2-3 more hours per week to my schedule today starting in December, since I have been so busy lately. Not a lot, but still helpful. She and the office manager know my plans to adopt, which I think is a positive for job security and more hours since we get along well and they seemed excited for me.

Thanksgiving and Money

 I missed my first day of NaBloPoMo posting in November. I didn't meant to. I was in bed late last night looking for a meme that spoke about money and it's role in life, but I got distracted, then so tired I forgot I hadn't posted yet. Ah well. I'm getting back on the horse.

I don't have plans for Thanksgiving. This makes me feel really Lame, with a capital L. I do have some plans for the holiday weekend. My friend and former housemate, K, will be in the East Bay (he lives in Sacramento) with his wife and new baby, and we plan to get together Friday afternoon. I may connect with another single friend, and my housemate may be around. We'll see. Us single ladies can have an awkward time around these holidays, as I've lamented before. It's like you have a feeling about what you "should" be doing but there's no one to do it with; basically, no family to do it for. Especially us single lady introverts who don't have armies of friends jockeying to have us over. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. If I really felt strongly,  I would have made more of an effort to find a place to go or created an "orphans gathering" myself, but I didn't feel like doing that kind of marketing and outreach. I'm doing plenty of marketing and outreach right now for my business!

This Saturday, S invited me to go to dinner and a choral performance to watch one of his co-workers sing in his choral group. We went together last year and had a good time. We had an interesting conversation a couple of days ago, continuing to discuss whether we can be "just friends" and what that would look like, considering he's dating another one of his exes already. I mentioned before that I feel okay about that, mainly because I'm so very clear about us not being right for each other in the long term. But I don't want to be sketchy and enable his less than forthright activities, i.e. seeing who he wants to see, knowing she wouldn't like it but not telling her. I asked him if he felt okay doing this in the context of his relationship, and he said yes. He piqued my interest by saying he wanted to "explain one probably puzzling aspect of our time together." No idea to what he is referring, but I'm curious. This may be the last time we see each other, at least for a while, but I admit to looking forward to it for the fun and conversation.

I want to end by sharing a crazy thing that happened to me today, something that felt like God or fate smiling down on me in a most unexpected and abundant way. So, I'm not proud to admit I overdrew my account and then had some mistakes cause an accumulation of several fees. These included two Am@zon charges for services I didn't order, S forgetting to switch a credit card at the gym, and then a couple auto payments coming through with bad timing. In any case, I called to plead my case about the mistakes a couple of days ago and was treated rudely. It drives me crazy when customer service folks don't treat you like a human being and genuinely listen, but instead robotically recite policies at you, repeating them as if you were a child. In any case, I got really frustrated and posted a negative comment on the bank's FB page. Well, within minutes, I got a comment and a voicemail from someone at the bank asking to talk with me about my concerns. Today, we talked and I felt like I was strolling down the yellow brick road. It was surreal. She was super understanding, listened and empathized, and, in the end reversed ALL the fees I had received, including several from earlier in the year. It was like getting a new client, but I didn't have to do any work. Feeling lots of amazement and gratitude for that one.

Local SMC Adoption Meeting

Lesson learned in tonight's meeting with other SMCs pursuing adoption: talking in detail about goals and plans to strangers makes them seem very real! It's exciting, and I also felt some nerves.

Four of us made it to this inaugural gathering, and I have few other insights to share:

• SMCs are very diverse and come to be an SMC - adopter in diverse ways. For example, some folks were married, then divorced because he decided he didn't want kids (and don't want to try getting pregnant on their own or feel it's too late), some women were never married and never tried biologically, some tried really hard through all means available to become pregnant and then opened up to adoption.

• Everyone brought up worries about the issue of the "dedicated room" requirement in the context of the Bay Area housing market, which somehow felt so validating. Each of us are planning for and managing this requirement in different ways. Some were glad to hear that my county adoption agency is a bit more lenient than some and, for one thing, does not require a built-in closet. *The county and many agencies require a dedicated bedroom in the home for the child, either from birth or when they turn 2 years.

• No way around it, this is an emotional process. One poor woman was clearly stressed and pent-up when she arrived, and it was a little annoying until she started talking and I realized it was because she was holding back tremendous sadness and grief over her divorce and not having a child with her ex. She and I related with regard to both of our exes holding us back from pursuing motherhood and when the relationships ended, both feeling compelled to move forward quickly.

• We took a moment to recognize two huge positives: one, that single women would not have been accepted or often even allowed to try having a child on their own or adopting on their own a generation or two ago; and two, we are super fortunate living in the Bay Area in terms of normalizing alternative choices and paths and a very progressive overall culture.

Hopefully we will stay in touch and meet again. There is an East Bay SMC Thinkers/Tryers group we might all check out, as well, though I like the idea of having an adoption sub-group, as it has unique considerations and steps.

Me in 2016

NaBloPoMo prompt for today: "What was it like to be you in 2016?"

Let's see... in the first part of the year, it was stressful, lonely, and painful as my relationship with S hit the rocks again.

In early Spring, it was surviving another breakup, my car being totaled, buying a new-to-me car and beginning a housemate search.



Spring/Early Summer, feeling renewed energy and focus on becoming a mom and raising funds towards that end. Experiencing great relief as my bitter, caustic housemate moved out, leaving me on my own in the house for a couple of months. Ahhhh


July and August, finding a fabulous new dog-loving housemate (yay!) and having fun reconnecting at a reunion with high school chums in Oregon. Then, finally experiencing a true sense of belonging, acceptance, and support at work in a new non-profit job.


 Late Summer/Fall, growing weary interviewing for higher-paying part-time positions, learning lessons and continuing to work with clients and build my career counseling business. Wrapping my head around pursuing adoption and completing more paperwork and yet another training. Halloween hoopla with housemate...

November, swept up in NaBloPoMo, expanding my blogroll and developing my writing muscles and discipline. Haven't missed a day yet! Looking forward to the holidays, even though I don't have any plans for Thanksgiving. Envisioning another Oregon Christmas!

Untethered

I was feeling sort of untethered today... some uneasiness and anxiety and a sense of being "out there" but not really sure why. Often, if these feelings start to come up, I'll try to think of something to do that sounds engaging and pleasurable to connect to something and feel safe and comfortable again.

But today, I consciously chose not to scramble around for an activity right away and hung out with the feelings. There was just this floaty feeling of space and disconnection, and not in a relaxing way... more a feeling of things not being right but not knowing what I should do or where I should go to make it better.

I stood there for a while. I walked around the house. I asked myself, why might I be feeling this way? Two pretty good reasons did come up: the first was an exchange with S about when we would talk in which he wanted to talk Monday, and I wanted to talk today. Very familiar feeling of being pushed away and not wanted, and it's annoying feeling hurt even though we're no longer in a relationship. They call it avoidance in attachment theory, and it's no fun being on the receiving end.

The other reason is that I'm currently financially stretched. Two checks should have come through that haven't yet. I think it's probably normal to feel anxiety in this scenario. I don't like to feel anxiety about things I don't feel I have the control to change, but sometimes one of those things is feeling anxiety. lol 

I did end up working out, taking the dog on a walk, and getting a little bit of work done (while watching a pretty good movie, The Dark Horse). I'm oddly looking forward to Monday and throwing myself into work.

Dreaming of a Personal Assistant

I'm less than inspired tonight on my own, so I'm referencing the NaBloPoMo prompt from November 12th last year... "If you had a personal assistant who would do your most dreaded tasks, which items from your to-do list would you assign out?"

Just thinking about this makes me sooo happy. I have dreamed of a personal assistant for many years now. I am not detail-oriented, and tracking all of the marketing and billing tasks, keeping multiple administrative balls in the air at all times, is definitely not my jam. Here are some items I would jump for joy to delegate to an assistant:

• Once I choose the theme for my newsletter, sorting through my google alerts for relevant articles and sending them to me as a group.
• Tracking when social media posts, newsletters, event announcements and reminders should go out and working with me to assure content is ready.
• Billing clients and following up, as needed.
• Reminding clients of appointments and tracking when counseling packages are close to being completed, prompting me to talk with them about finishing our work together or signing for another package.
• Ideally, they would have some financial reporting experience, so that they could help me analyze my financial and client data and make more sound business decisions, as well as plan activities and sales efforts effectively.
• Making client calls, as needed, to follow-up with a special offer or event invitation, and book consultations and appointments, etc.
• Assist with event planning: book the space, contact and pay any vendors or speakers, help with staffing and materials, and assist at the actual event.

That was so fun! I know that having a personal assistant would help my business grow, and I work better with catalysts and deadlines and partnership accountability. Some day in the not too distant future, fingers crossed!

The Whole-Brain Child

On the advice of my foster care/adoption class facilitator, I'm currently reading, The Whole-Brain Child, and learning about how parents can help a child, especially those that have experienced trauma or neglect, connect the right side of their brain to the left, and the bottom half to the top.  They do mention that the latter can be especially challenging for kids in general because their frontal cortex' are not fully developed, so parents should try to maintain developmentally appropriate expectations.

The authors share some helpful catch phrases to remember concepts, like "name it (an emotion) to tame it," but there is a lot of scientific information to take in. I won't remember it all, but I can imagine referring back to the book as needed. They give a lot of examples, which help the ideas come to life. I have always intuitively felt the value of telling our life stories, but who knew it played such a powerful role in the brain?

I'll admit that while reading strategies and stories from the book, I've flashed back several times to my own childhood and how my father often handled emotionally fraught situations in the exact opposite way than what they recommend. He was, shall we say, empathically challenged. I wish he had - and was willing to follow - this book!

Luckily, our brains can generate these pathways of connection at any age and heal from negative experiences and trauma.  I've done a lot of healing in my life - interestingly, I can remember telling the story of the night my mom died many times in my life - and can see how further healing might happen as a parent when I handle emotional situations with my child in a more skillful way.

Creative Catalyst

The prompt for today is about whether you commemorate or celebrate a divorce or significant breakup. I don't do that sooo, I'll share that I led a mini-workshop this evening about conquering fears and doubts and creating your dream career. Extremely small, like one person, lol.  I had three but one had a friend pass away and another got stuck at work. 

I'm glad I went through with it, though, because it catalyzed me to synthesize and better articulate some of the guidance and activities I've been sharing with clients over the last year. I have three or four solid tools or processes I recommend for when people get emotionally triggered, when they get stuck in cycles of judgment and negative self-talk, and when they are in conflict with part of themselves or with others. I've learned and collected these tools over many years of my own self and career development and then work with clients. 

I'm excited because I can see this content expanding and solidifying into substantial curriculum for a group program. So, even though I did not gain clients from this workshop, it was super valuable in other ways. 

I'm also happy heading into tomorrow because it's a holiday and I'm going to do some business catch-up and apply for an interesting part-time job close to home, but mostly putter around, walk the dog, read my book, and take it easy. 

Dear Sugar

I'm tired tonight, and kind of numb, like others have said, following the election. I want to take this opportunity to share a radio podcast I've been listening to lately call Dear Sugar Radio. They are really kind and wise people, and I feel my life is enriched by listening; plus I learn from others stories and experiences.  

Basically, they read letters from listeners, around chosen themes of the day -  infidelity, friendship, jealousy, parenting, getting back together with exes, etc. - and respond individually and sort of riffing off each other. They talk about their own lives and also reference literature, which adds another layer.

I'm definitely getting more out of it on my long drives to work then the pop radio stations I was listening to, and am especially appreciating their compassion, love, and hope right now.

Boo

What does it mean? So very disappointed in our election outcome. As a woman, I was excited about that ceiling being broken. But beyond that, I'm worried about our country's ship staying afloat, so to speak. I understand his appeal as a celebrity and the desire to shake things up and get things done. But he has so little experience and speaks in such an inflammatory way. If he really believes some of the things he's said, God help us.

I will settle in right here, thanks

I'm continuing to find myself in that place where I'm enjoying my work overall, both at the non-profit and in my business, but the finances are not measuring up. I am usually very resilient after applying for jobs and not getting them, especially when I land an interview, which is a positive affirmation. But I guess I've had just one too many of these experiences in the last two or three months, and I'm feeling vulnerable and reticent to continue applying for these kinds of positions (college counseling). I'd like to just rest for a bit, settle in, and work hard at the two jobs I do have - in my business, especially. Alas, my monthly expenses are currently exceeding my income by an unsustainable level.

I was thinking about what might make this situation work. If I were able to raise my average monthly business income by $500, which would involve maintaining a client load of 12 and bringing on 2-3 new clients each month, this would go a long way. I think my current outreach through meetup and periodic workshops, plus joining a local networking/referral group again (that is already off the ground, this time!) would support this model. I did learn the hard way, as I shared on this blog, that finding clients with whom I work well and am aligned in terms of style and values is crucial. The last thing I want to spend energy on is arguing about business policies or protecting myself from verbal berating.

Also, I think a key aspect of a sustainable business plan is extending the shortest time I will work with people (two months is never enough time, unless the person just wants support applying for jobs, and that's not really my target niche) and, in the new year, prioritizing creating videos and other content offerings of value to add another income stream and/or increase the value of my counseling packages.

Sorry for this dry post, but it's really helpful to write these thoughts out. I'd appreciate any feedback from business-savvy folks or if anyone has ideas. Feel free to take a look at my website... Oh, and happy voting tomorrow, those in the U.S.! Praying hard over here (and studying my voter guide and online resources - though I'm well decided on my Hillary vote).

Not enough time in the day

Today was so super full, I'm barely getting in this day's post before I shut my eyes… Went to the farmer's market this morning with my housemate, met a friend for a beautiful walk by the bay, had a new client consult, wrote two current clients email summaries of their last sessions. Responded to a bunch of other emails… Blah blah blah. 

Oh, and I also ordered a book that was recommended in my foster adoption training and an awesome new pillow, both using my Amazon gift card from the nonprofit staff appreciation retreat. It's so fun to spend free money. 😊

Lessons from Childhood

I'm going to follow our NaBloPoMo FB page leader's suggestion to use last year's November 5th prompt, since they don't post prompts on weekends. This is a deep one! What is the most important lesson you learned as a child, and who taught it to you?

Some lessons I learned as a child and the teacher's who taught them to me:

• My Dad taught me how to blow my nose. I won't go into the details of that lesson but it's a good one to know! 
• My step-mom taught me how to blow bubbles with gum. Second nature now, but there are quite a few steps to successful bubble blowing! She also taught me how to put a pillowcase on, "like you're putting on it's pants." lol
• My friend Tiffany taught me to whistle with two or four fingers when I was in college and we were attending a women's basketball game. Again, requires skill and it's a talent I've used often and been appreciated for (or not) throughout my life. Thanks, Tiffany!
• My aunt taught me that you don't yell out interesting life lessons you've recently learned in a department store. This lesson came after I proudly shouted, "Uncle Ray has a penis because he's a boy like my Dad!"
• My Grandma taught me that baking cookies and making crafts are fun, cozy activities that show people you love them; a lesson learned over many creative, loving visits to her house, especially over the holidays. I treasure these memories and will pass on this lesson to my child. I love you, Grandma.
• My gymnastics coach taught me that you just have to suck it up and work out through the pain, when I used to get "rips" or open blisters on my palm. He taught this with some humor by rubbing his pointer finger on his thumb and, when I asked what he was doing, saying, "It's the world's smallest violin playing My Heart Bleeds Peanut Butter for You. Very funny, coach, very funny.
• One of the best lessons I learned is to share evening rituals with kids when you tuck them in. My Dad would tell us stories from his childhood (damn good stories, too!), then kiss us goodnight, including eskimo kisses, and say, "I like you and I love you!" before closing the bedroom door. This is one I'd like to continue, but I'm not sure I'll make as good a storyteller as my Dad.

This was fun! Even though I know I cheated telling lots of lessons versus just the most important one. Guess I never learned the lesson, "No cheating." :)

Cool People

We had our staff retreat and appreciation day today and it was great! even though I had a mild headache for much of the afternoon.  We did a super fun art project where we brainstormed all the positive things about the nonprofit then picked one and drew with oil pastels to visually express it.  I really need to do art more often. We also talked about the successes of the organization last year and each shared a little bit about what we do and the program or service we work with. We also did a couple of fun cognitive exercises that got everyone laughing

After the retreat we went out to happy hour at a local restaurant. I had a really interesting and fairly deep conversation with a woman who sometimes assists or fills in for our art instructor. She was a little person. I've watched some of the TV shows with little people and - this is going to sound really stupid- but part of me looks at them as celebrities because of that.  Anyway, I guess I got over that, and we had a really great conversation.

After today, I appreciate the organization all the more. Everyone talks about the people and culture similarly to how I've talked about it. Really kind and generous staff with a heart for helping others. And the community of clients is pretty amazing, too, and inspiring in the way they face the impacts of their brain injury and work to recover, and help each other to recover and feel better.  Oh, and the Board gave us a $50 certificate to Amazon, which was super nice

Care for Each Other's Humanity

Day 3, NaBloPoMo! "If you could be completely honest with no regrets, what would you say and to whom?"

Having gone through a lot of personal growth, including a 12-step program, I don't have a lot of burning emotional issues to express at this point, and I tend to be quite honest. Some would say too honest. I remember in my 20's talking to my Dad (and step-Mom who was my Mom along with my bio Mom - my Dad and step-Mom were always together) about feeling angry and wishing he would have handled my bio Mom's death better when I was a young child. He got rid of all her things and didn't have any of her pictures around. He married my step-Mom a little over a year after my bio Mom's death, and it seemed like he wanted to pretend she never existed. In any case, he said he wasn't going to build a shrine to her, and I said I didn't want a shrine but one picture would have been nice. I eventually got a lot of pictures from my grandparents. I don't regret confronting him with my feelings about that, but if I were to do it now, with two more decades of experience, I would have more compassion and care for him, at the same time asking him questions and sharing my feelings.

In this moment when I think about who I'd like to share some brutal honesty with, it would be a few men I was with sexually (either fooling around or sex) in college and the year or two after, who either took advantage of my being intoxicated or objectified me and treated me as less than a human being. I would like them to be required to listen to myself and other women they had treated badly share their stories and how this self-centered, insensitive bordering on cruel, treatment had made us feel and affected our lives. I didn't expect to share something that heavy, but that's what came up. I know a lot of women have some experiences like I did. I wish we had a better way in our society to guide and prepare young women, and men, to become independent adults and begin having adult relationships with others.

Grateful

I have to get used to this post a day thing… definitely a shift from once a week or so. Today I want to share briefly about two clients I worked with this afternoon at my nonprofit job. They were both under 30.

I did an in-person intake with the first one, who had a stroke five years ago due to a blood clot. She's recovered remarkably but still has balance issues, tremors, and difficulty speaking clearly and becoming emotionally overwhelmed. I'm really excited for her to get started with our therapeutic program next week. She said she's been feeling really depressed and anxious, being home alone all day while her boyfriend is at work. I think being engaged and doing therapeutic activities in a group will be really good for her.

The second woman isn't really a client, I guess, but she called in for support and resources. The problem is she didn't really have specific requests. She wanted rehabilitation  and support to recover from three brain injuries - two in 2011 and one a couple months ago - but as we talked it became clear she really needed to stabilize with her mental health before anything else. She was speaking in a manic way, without filters and very rapidly. I was gradually able to draw out quite a few details, and ended up sending her information on our programs and recommending she request a referral from her neurologist for a therapist or neuropsychologist.  She said she was moving to the city in about three weeks to live with her cousin, and I gave her the contact information for the UCSF neurology department, which accepts Medi-cal land has a great reputation. It's tough when I'm limited with what referral resources I can share with people, often based on their insurance and income level (though I'm glad to say our agencies programs are sliding scale), but at least I'm becoming more knowledgeable about what IS available and where to guide people.

Feeling lucky to be healthy and stable today,  relatively secure and self-possessed. I'm reminded every day I'm at this job how quickly that can change.

NaBloPoMo 2016: How do I make a bad day better?

I have a lot going on in my life right now, so I thought it would be good timing to take on the NaBloPoMo challenge. Anyone want to join me? Hop on the band wagon and register by November 5th.

I'm thinking some days I will use the writing prompts and other days not... today's is: "When you're having a bad day with your mental health, what do you do to help yourself?"

Today is actually a great example... I'm a Career Counselor, and one of my new clients flipped out on me this afternoon on the phone and really shook me up. I was already feeling anxious and concerned about this client because they had been very closed up and critical in their first session, not giving me much to work with. Then they wrote an email saying they wanted to cancel their session this week and wanted flexibility in scheduling the timing of their sessions going forward.

This isn't my policy and doesn't work for me. I don't think I'm unreasonable. Sessions are scheduled twice a month, and I give an extra month cushion to complete them. I find this beneficial for the client in terms of commitment, continuity, and momentum, and for myself in terms of more predictable business planning and because I offer email coaching, resources, and document review between sessions - a lot of extra time if they just wanted to meet every few weeks. Maybe, to be more clear, I should sell two, three, or four-month counseling packages, versus four, six, and eight-session packages? I have colleagues that do this and am considering it, especially after this experience.

In any case, in explaining these reasons for not just having complete openness and flexibility in when we meet, when I mentioned my own needs being a factor, as well, they flipped into rage on a dime and yelled, "Oh, come ON! That is reDICulous!" I asked them to speak in a calm voice and they kept yelling angrily. Long story short, we got off the phone after I agreed with them that we are likely not a good fit to work together (I do not want to work with them after this experience) and with me offering to trade the last session they were owed for resume review/editing for which we do not have to speak, and asking them to let me know in the next couple of days.

When I got off the phone, my heart was racing, and I felt afraid and kind of sick. It was so out of blue, and I have never experienced this type of intense reaction from a client (at least an adult client). I felt I needed some emotional support, so I went through the options in my head... my siblings were at work and likely not available, my housemate wasn't home, I could have called a couple of friends but hadn't talked to them in a little while so calling for support would feel a bit abrupt. Then, I thought of sharing my feelings and experience with my online FB group, made up of other women bloggers I've known for quite a few years. We were all ttc'ing together and they all have kids now. I hope to join them soon.

My experience of the group is that people are quite responsive. Many of us don't work typical 9-5 schedules and usually at least a few folks are online. Sure enough, within a few minutes, I received a few sympathetic and understanding responses, which felt great, as well as advice. Everyone felt I should just refund them the money for the last session and be done with them. I guess they are probably right, though it doesn't fit my policy and I don't think they "deserve" it. But maybe it's best to cut my losses and move on.

So, that's the way I handled my "bad day with my mental health" today; with help from online friends. On other days, I admit I might lose myself in television or eat some comfort food, but today I had to go meet with another client not long afterwards. Other days, I go work out or play with the dog. Blogging is also actually one of my primary ways of working through difficult emotions and challenges. It's helpful to talk it through, be witnessed, and to hear others' thoughts. I like reading these kind of personal writing/processing blogs, as well. Maybe it's the psychologist in me... and I've always been a more emotional person. I'm an INFP on the Myers-Briggs, if you're familiar with it? NFs tend to be more relationship and feeling-oriented.

Thanks for coming along with me this month! See you tomorrow...

Super Chill

I'm purposely, consciously have a super chill weekend after an extremely stressful week that culminated in my crying yesterday at work when my boss didn't give me the extra hours I'd expected (I cried on my own after she'd left). The first part of the week was stressful preparing for my interview on Thursday, as well as going in to work early and rushing to get to my last adoption training on Wednesday evening - only to have it be like 45 minutes long (they said it would be 2 hours).

So, about the interview... I thought it went really well. I felt a great connection with the interview panel, my teaching demonstration went well, and I felt overall I answered the interview questions thoroughly and they seemed "with" me throughout. I did wish I'd thought more about the student learning objectives and how my teaching presentation related to those. I also wonder if they saw my career counseling business as a positive or a negative... I think I presented it as a positive, giving me more skills and workforce experience to share with students, and saying I'd likely continue working just a few hours a week with clients. But who knows what they thought. In any case, drumrollllll, I did not get the position. Yep, they emailed me back yesterday the same stupid, generic email saying they appreciated me and wished me well and apply again, etc. Blech. I put so. much. work. into preparing and I don't think I could have done much better. So what does that say? Am I just not competitive in this market? Is God telling me something? or are these things just usually rigged, with the winners decided before the games even begin...

I've reflected some on this, and there are two thoughts that emerged:

1. I always ask my clients what level of interest they have for a particular career, on a scale of 1 to 10, and I make the case that their interest level should be at an 8 or above to sustain a career in the long run and not burn out or lose interest over time. When I asked myself what was my level of interest for this full-time counseling gig involving teaching college classes again, my interest level was a 6.5 to 7. I don't want to work full-time at any job really, as it means basically letting go of my business in large part, at least for now. Also, teaching college success classes is not consistently awesome. Some of the topics are fun and interesting and others are real snoozers, like how to take notes, and think critically, etc. And community college students are not my fave demographic. My favorite college class had a good amount of adult learners returning to school who were super engaged and mature in their communication - and they brought lots of interesting life experience.
2. Maybe I am being guided to step up to my business and take it to the next level. I've come this far. I have had 7-10 clients consistently since early this year. I keep getting consultations and I keep getting new clients, albeit somewhat in fits and starts. I feel like I've learned so much in the last year and really developed professionally in terms of how I communicate with clients and how I present my tools and resources - I've created several new tools, actually, based on my learning. I have done some brainstorming and writing about how my career counseling (for the Introvert/Professional niche stuck in jobs that don't fit them) might be packaged into Group Program content for delivery in a live event and/or by video. I'd love to take the plunge and sign up for the next programs in the high-level marketing program I did last year, called Speaking and Leverage, which are all about delivering Group Programs. Also, I know I could raise my income if I had an assistant (virtual assistant likely) to help me focus and track payments, posts on social media, newsletters, event marketing, etc. In a way, I was looking at this job I interviewed for as my savior, hoping it would rescue me, but maybe I need to be on the hot seat and stay in the game to get over the hump and make my business sustainable.

And maybe I just don't have what it takes to be competitive when applying for full-time college counseling jobs in the super competitive Bay Area market. I still would love to have a part-time counseling position not too far from home. That opportunity I would give an 8 out of 10. My career counseling business by the way is an 8.5 to 9. It does depend in part on the client - some clients I love and some are challenging, but I don't know if I'd take away all the challenges right now because it is helping me grow. Anyway, that's all I have on that topic right now...

I'll end on a high note: I finished my adoption training last week! It was rainy on Monday, which caused our outdoor trivia night to be cancelled, so I decided to go. Monday's training was on diversity and culture in adoption, basically the responsibility you take on if you adopt a child of a different ethnicity and/or culture. They showed a film with some adoptees talking as teens/20's, then talking again 10 years laters. It was good information; not a lot of new stuff but "getting it" at a deeper level. Identity is such a huge and important factor. My deepest and most moving learning was something one of the adoptees said about their parents and family and how it wasn't like they were helping her to deal with racism, but that they were a "multi-cultural family" going through life together with all that that means. Something like that. Very powerful. I still, for a variety of reasons, am thinking I would like to adopt a Caucasion, Caucasion/Asian, or Caucasion/Latino child, but the latter two would definitely require me to step up and be fully "with" them as they go through life as a person of color. The third training was a total dud, as mentioned above, basically legalese about accessing services as a foster parent. The material was not made accessible to us as trainees! lol

Now, I'm waiting to hear from them about setting up the first long interview leading into creating a profile and completing the home study. I would have felt more confident about the income piece if I landed the full-time counseling job, but we will see what they say. I'll take it a step at a time. My boss at the non-profit did say we are working towards increasing my hours but she wants to have a better sense of how many hours I need to complete my duties, especially since we've changed the intake process somewhat and they have added follow-up calls to my duties. Some exciting news: starting in November, I get to work some hours from home! We have two holidays in November, so those days can be from home (since I'm not paid for holidays) and I think she said the other two Fridays, as well, but I have to double check. Only driving that long commute two days a week will make a big difference!

That's all for now! Heading back into my super chill weekend. Plans to do some business work off and on, maybe work out later, but other than that, watch movies, take walks, surf the web, do laundry, etc. Snuggle up at home. Hope you have a good, relaxing weekend, too, especially if that's what you need.

Halloween Fun and an Eventful Week

  We carved pumpkins tonight, my housemate and I, while watching the new Ghostbusters movie. It was fun! I love that the movie had all female leads in an action movie and their secretary was a hot guy. My pumpkin is the goofy one and hers is the scary one. Isn't the little pumpkin in it's eye cool? I hadn't seen a pattern like that before. Yesterday evening, we had drinks on the front patio of the local Mexican restaurant and watched the Zombie Crawl. There were some creative, crazy, and disgusting costumes. Some people went all out with the special effects, including open wound make up and creepy eye contacts. One zombie tried to eat my head. lol

During the day yesterday, I went to my first of three adoption training sessions with this new agency. It's a bit crazy that this is the third full training I've been too, but yesterday had some new information on trauma that was presented in a way that I can see using in the future. It was a way of re-framing and responding to behavior. I liked the idea of re-wiring the attachment cycle so that gradually the child feels safe. I highly recommend the movie, "Removed," and the second movie, "Remember Me." I think that's what it's called. Really well done.

I have two more training sessions. I'll either do one tomorrow night or in early November (I may have a another commitment I have to attend tomorrow) and the third one on Wednesday. I received and completed the Livesc@n paperwork and just need to go get fingerprinted, hopefully later this week. After that, I have the longer interview with the social workers, and I think they do an initial check of the house at the same time and give me corrections to make.

Another big event on the agenda this week: an interview at DVC, the college near me. I landed an interview, yay! Now, I need to finish pulling together my 10 minute presentation - I'm going technical this time with a PowerPoint - and review school information and interview responses. Please send good thoughts on Thursday at 10am!

Oh, I did want to share briefly that S had his reconstruction surgery to reverse the ileostomy and it went well. He's back to work though still healing, and we had a good conversation on the phone Friday after not talking for a while. He's recently started dating his ex again - the one right before me - so he's continuing that pattern. Oh well, it's no longer my problem. I'd rather it be her than anyone else because she seemed nice and I actually thought their relationship sounded pretty good, plus there was no weirdness or overlap with her while we were together (unlike the other ex). It's weird that he keeps going back to exes, though - it occurs to me that maybe it's because he pushes people away before it's clear that the relationship is not compatible. After three tries, I'm super clear that he is not "my person" as far as long term, marriage material. And we managed to end things much better - there's hope we can be friends, but I'm not sure if we are at that place yet.

Off to get some sleep so I'm rested for my eventful week...

It Means the World

I am noticing something interesting with regard to my non-profit brain-injury recovery organization job.

While I do NOT enjoy the long commute, including a toll payment, it means the world to me to be welcomed and treated with kindness, sensitivity, and respect each day that I'm there. It makes me realize how other jobs really lacked these things and how there was always some stress and disconnection while I was there because of it. I experience stress at the non-profit, but it's the good, normal kind of stress where you're working hard to accomplish your assigned tasks; tasks you know are helping people receive the services and support they need. And people are always ready to help.

Also, I actually receive *appreciation* for the work I do. Imagine that! Three specific ways I have received appreciation: first, my supervisor is totally awesome, funny, and sweet and she says, "Thank you very much" all the time. Part of this I think is her Japanese culture, and sometimes we joke around and she says it in ironic ways. :) But often it's sincere verbalization of thank you, which feels good.

Secondly, as staff at a non-profit that provides much needed services, our Executive Director and the Board regularly appreciate and recognize us. On birthdays, the tradition is to buy a cake and recognize staff by singing happy birthday. When our Office Manager got engaged, the ED bought her flowers. When a staff member recently left, we were all taken out for wine and hors d'oevres, and we have an upcoming staff retreat and appreciation day, which I'm looking forward to - not everyone loves interactive games and activities but I do! :) - and we will go out for dinner afterwards.

Thirdly, yesterday my boss said she wanted to share appreciation with me. She said that this is the first class cycle for the ITCP (Individualized Thereapeutic Computer Program) that has been full with a waitlist. She said she was talking with the ED about how she thinks it's related to how I connect and communicate with our new clients. She also took steps to respond to my concerns about not having enough time to do intake appointments, including changing a key process with how we do intakes, and saying that I could start to work a few hours from home soon (!).

Is it strange that part of me wants to stay there, despite the commute and making half as much money as I do at a college? The larger part will take the short commute and more money for what I know are good reasons (plus I don't love all the forms and tracking requirements), but when I leave, I will be losing some really great connections and the best work culture I have ever had.

Clear Sign!

I asked, and I received! Two new clients said "yes" to working with me yesterday. My part-time job did not officially give me more weekly hours, but they added a project to my job description and said they would pay for the hours I spend on this project, so that will be a little additional revenue, as well.

Considering these developments, I feel I am receiving affirmation to move forward right now on the adoption front. Yay! I filled out the initial paperwork and just need to have my housemate witness a signature, then I can send it all in, along with a check for a Livesc@n background check. Then I get the background check and schedule the more in-depth caseworker interview.

Part of the paperwork was indicating what I was open to in terms of a placement. I've already talked about the age situation, so I checked "under 3." There were two areas that I feel a little uncertain about, however... I wonder if I should be more open about ethnicity and also special needs.

Regarding ethnicity, it's interesting how unexpected thoughts and feelings come up. As I was filling out the form, I thought for the first time about sharing *some* heritage with my child. Since we are not sharing biology - added to the fact that I am really into ancestry and have spent time researching, reflecting, and envisioning trips based on my ancestry - I had a thought that it would be really wonderful to share some ancestry. I am a total *mutt* with Welsh, English, German, Dutch, Swedish, Irish, and French ancestry, so that wouldn't be too hard, but would include some European heritage. So I checked Caucasion and "Other" meaning mixed race, but I wonder if that's too limiting. I have also thought about the child and their feelings in terms of seeing themselves reflected in our family. I think I would work hard to make sure they have knowledge of and a connection with their heritage, but is that enough?

Regarding special needs, as a single mom and knowing myself, I don't think I am able to handle a serious disability. Considering my mental health background, I think I have tools and knowledge to love and support a kid who (sadly) has some abuse and neglect in their history.

The one I feel a little uncertain about is alcohol and drugs. I know many of the kids (most?) in the foster care system have parents who abused or were addicted to alcohol or drugs. My fear is that they might have the pain and challenges in their life that my cousin, who was adopted, has had. His mother drank throughout her pregnancies, and he has suffered the consequences. His lack of ability to regulate behavior and see the effects of his actions has led him to have three kids with three different mothers, struggle with addiction himself, and end up incarcerated. So you can see why I might be a bit fearful.

I think that the caseworkers will help me explore these concerns and come to a decision I feel good about. At least I hope so. Today, I am feeling excitement and momentum on this path, and I am grateful!

Lastly, as much for my own clarity as my desire to share it with you (i.e. feel free to skip :), I want to lay out what unknowns are still out there that may have an impact on my journey to become a mom:

1. Job applications still out there, with recently passed application deadlines. These include Napa Vall. College and Diablo Vall. College, the latter being my top choice due to a 10 minute commute. Please send good thoughts that I will get an interview and be hired, even if the job doesn't start until the end of the year. I'm secretly hoping that one of these - though advertised as full-time - might somehow convert to part-time. But I'm torn because the security would also be good and college jobs usually only require 32-35 hours per week, which I could fit into four days. Oh, I did hear back a "No" from Oregon, which was not a surprise. Most. awkward. interview. ever.
2. Small Windfall. I haven't mentioned this but based on my time working in Seattle many years ago, I signed on to a lawsuit that was already won, based on employers not providing benefits they should have. The letter said I would receive *at least* close to 2K, which would help financially as these pieces fall into place. The deadline to submit a claim is just passing, so I hope to hear something soon.
3. Getting a better-paying job would be the green light to move forward on CA Conceptions, which is still my first choice, though I'm feeling excited about adoption. I could apply for credit right now, but after my conversation with my bank, I'm not at all confident I would get even close to what I need. Salary plays a huge role, and my consistent self-employment salary has not been documented long enough to show on a tax form, which is what the bank uses for self-employment.

Okay, I think that's enough reflection and analysis for today! I would love to hear your thoughts... I'm going to do some business work, then later hopefully watch Oregon play the Huskies. Hope you're enjoying your weekend!

Progress

I took another step forward today on the adoption front. I met with the social worker at the local agency who will be interviewing me, reviewing my paperwork, doing the home study, etc. She was one of the two young women I mentioned in a previous post about the orientation. She made a much better impression one-on-one and was very nice, friendly, and supportive.

Surprisingly, this agency seems to be a little less strict in some of their requirements than the County or than what I've heard in the two previous trainings I completed. The most significant example is that she said that the dedicated room for the child does NOT have to have a built-in closet, which is great because my house has two rooms that could potentially serve as bedrooms, if I bought a screen for one doorway that opens into the entryway. So theoretically I could adopt a child of any age, though at this point I am specifying under three. If I couldn't use one of these rooms, either my housemate would need to move - which is not feasible financially at this time - or I would need to specify under two, and realistically 1.5 years or under to give time to change the living situation before they turn two.

She was really positive about the fact that I have a fairly flexible schedule at this point, aside from the 20 hours or so I work at the non-profit. I committed to renting my office in Oakland Tuesdays 3-7pm to see clients, but outside of that, I have considerable flexibility. I have been seeing a couple of clients in Concord on Thursdays but that is currently an hourly rental situation, which I could move around. Of course, this will change if I get one of the college jobs I applied for, but that job may not start until the end of the year.

The next steps are filling out and returning some paperwork, getting Livescan fingerprinting done, and attending three training modules: one on a Saturday (10-4pm), one on a Monday (6-8pm), and one on a Wednesday (6-8pm). These are all offered one time per month and can be completed in any order. I am thinking that the sign for me to move forward right away with all this will be getting a new client in the next week or so or hearing that my hours are increasing at the non-profit by this Friday, which my supervisor has said is possible because we are so busy. If neither of these things happen, I'll hope to move forward next month.

My mind is of course still thinking about CA Conceptions, as well. I know I can't move forward with both adoption and CC at the same time, once I started actually trying to conceive. But if pieces were to fall into place for CC, i.e. accepting a counseling job or receiving a windfall (hey, I can always hope! :), then I would turn my complete focus to them. It is still my preference to be pregnant and become a mother from birth on, but I am definitely open to both pathways at this point.

I have always loved the month of October - the turn of seasons, fall colors, Halloween - maybe it's my lucky month! 

Not ready to greet this Monday morning

Feeling super crabby today and NOT ready to start the week. :( My housemate had a date at our house last night and I went to a movie and out to eat to give her space. Then, when I came back I discovered the date had gone very well and he was staying over. This is totally fine in theory but it's just disruptive because we have a Jack 'n Jill bathroom setup and it's just weird trying to get ready for bed and get up and use the bathroom in the night and being so close to them, hearing music, etc. Needless to say, I do not feel rested this morning.

Then, I am also dreading the marketing weekend I'm assisting at next weekend Fri/Sat/Sun. I'm wondering if it's worth it. Every time I've done it, I feel totally drained, uncentered and exhausted by the end of the weekend and into the next week. I have paid off my program so the only reason to be assisting again is to get a shot of inspiration and to gain $300 to put towards the next program. I do want to do the next program... but it's not my priority right now and I don't see doing it until next year. I'm so tempted to cancel. I know they have plenty of assistants. I don't feel I can spare the time or the energy and there are some things I want to do towards my business that I could do instead. What do you think?

Pursuits in Parallel

First, a few brief work updates... Still no word from Oregon! I emailed the HR person and heard back that the committee is "still at the interview stage" and "there hasn't been a job offer yet." I imagine they have moved forward with a second interview round but are not closing the door until they get a definite "yes" from one of these candidates. I keep procrastinating finishing the Napa college application for some reason. It's so arduous and repetitive. The deadline is the 20th, so I still have time.

And my potential client decided to go with someone else who specialized in "mid-life career change," which is ironic because all my clients but one younger woman are in a mid-life career change. Apparently, I didn't emphasize that well enough in my consultation. He said he really liked me and ended up speaking with 7 potential career counselors. I suppose I should feel good that I came in second, but there is no reward for second place! :( I do have three consultations in the next week or two from my meetup group. I would love to work with two of them and think we would be a great fit.

My most exciting news is that I finally attended an orientation with the organization in charge of foster care placements and adoptions in my county. As you might remember, I completed a several-week training at the beginning of last year when I lived in Oakland. Once I moved to another county last summer, I began research the process in this area. I attended a social services orientation at the end of last year, found out about this organization, and have been wanting to attend a monthly orientation ever since. The challenges were that there are two alternating locations, only one fairly close to me, the coordinator was disorganized and not a good communicator, and the dates changed at one point, as well.

I finally made it three nights ago. The gals leading it were very young; one was fresh out of college. They pulled the rookie move of not having any food or refreshments for a meeting that was at dinnertime. Boo. The presentation was pretty crappy, as well, and I've been to a few of these. They basically just read the wordy slides, not offering any personal anecdotes or opinions along the way, plus their language was harsh and discouraging. To cut them a bit of slack, the rules and policies have "just" changed in California and everyone is adjusting and learning, including developing new materials and presentations for interested foster/adopt families.

The main policy change is basically that *everyone* is now considered a "concurrent" family, meaning they are not differentiating between families interested in fostering children and families interested in adopting. After the strident, authoritative language in the presentation that seemed to say, "Get with the program; you are not allowed feelings or preferences!" I was a little stunned, and I could tell others in the room were, as well. I broke the ice and said, "Well, I am interested in adopting - I've never been a mom before and I want my own child. I'm willing to take some level of risk and support the process, but where does that leave me?"

The facilitator was fairly positive in her response and said that in that case, the social worker would likely refer kids to me who were farther along in the process. I absolutely am ready to work with the system and put the kid's needs above my own (including doing what I can to maintain relationships with bio-family members, when possible and positive for the child), but at the same time, while I admire so much people that have a heart to foster kids and work closely with the agency and the bio parents towards reunification, I am not in that place and need to be honest about it for the good everyone, including the kids. After my share, a couple other people in the room share something similar, indicating they really hoped to adopt, and it felt good to know I was not alone. I was also excited to hear that this agency has connections with kids statewide, not just in my county.

We filled out interest forms, and the next step is to meet for an individual consultation with the social workers. They already contacted me and we are working to get something on the calendar. I wish that my career/job piece could be in place first, but I will go ahead and meet regardless to get clear on what is required and what I need to be working towards. I am still most excited about CA Conceptions, but I don't think it can hurt to pursue these two paths in parallel, at this time.

Still in limbo but turning a corner...

I heard back yesterday from the memorial trust and it's a big, "NO." :-(  I could not have felt any better about the interview, but I guess either someone else had more experience or there was an insider candidate. Moving on... I plan to finish my Napa college application this weekend. The application has tons of "extra" questions, which is so annoying. Sorry for the kvetching, but I get so tired of answering the same darn questions over and over and over. At least I can cut and paste some of my previous answers, but these guys went the extra mile and doubled the number of questions asked. boo.

I haven't heard back from Oregon, but since they said they were moving forward quickly, I don't think that is a good sign. I just sent an inquiry and imagine I'll hear back by Tuesday, if not sooner. That interview kind of sucked, so I'm not holding my breath. Moving to Oregon right now would be a HUGE deal, obviously, so I feel mixed emotions about not getting this one, one emotion being content with it. Maybe down the road.

I had a client consultation last week and will likely know if they're a new client on Tuesday. Fingers crossed!! He was shopping Career Counselors though, and said he would be talking to two or three other folks, as well. He did say he liked me, and he's an Introvert so my expertise fits him. I am also leading a meetup group on the 6th and hope to get a few more consultations from that. My budget definitely needs an influx of income, so I appreciate any good thoughts.

Still feeling kind of in limbo. Continuing to enjoy my "for now" part-time resource job with the brain injury support organization. I don't enjoy the paperwork part of it, but the people are so friendly and kind and I feel useful. It's quite refreshing following my last college job where I felt I didn't really belong. The long, stressful commute there and back I will not miss when I leave, which I still hope will be sooner rather than later.

I got motivated last night to find one or two local fun and enriching activities, where I could grow and learn, as well as potentially meet interesting people (especially ones I might want to date). I found a Unity church in the city 15-20 minutes from me that offers a lot of classes, which break the ice in getting to know people as an Introvert. I'm thinking about a Monday night spiritual principles class. I also put out a couple of feelers on local dance classes but haven't found the right fit yet. There are regular dances around here, but again, I need the structure of a class to engage and meet people, at least at first. My favorite is swing dance, so I'm hoping to find a good choice in that arena. Internet dating is so limited, and I'm not connecting with people I really resonate with that way. Plus, I'm feeling the urge for some personal growth.

I still hope to find a regular networking group to meet referral partners for my business, since the one I was attending in the Spring crashed and burned when we didn't get enough members to officially launch the group. We will see. I need to up my current income before I could invest in something else, though.

I'm starting to feel the turn into fall, and I'm ready for it. I guess it's bringing energy to expand and explore new things. Beginning to look forward to Halloween - my second favorite holiday - as well.

Impatiently Waiting

Argh, this week is going sooo slowly. I am still waiting to hear back on both interviews, OSU and the Memorial Trust. My outreach calls did not lead to new clients as of yet, and my next Meetup group (which usually results in booking several consultations) is September 6th.

I have two client appointments later this afternoon, so that will be engaging and help the time go by. I "should" apply for an open counseling job in Napa, but it feels like the location is a long way away. I just looked up drive time, and it is only 32 minutes; 7 minutes more than when I worked at my other college. Okay, that is really not so bad, I will apply for this position by the weekend. I believe the Napa position starts shortly after hire - the application deadline is September 20th - but the DVC (college close to me) posting says it starts Spring semester 2017, which is definitely not ideal.

Part of my impatience is wanting to move forward with CA Conceptions. I mentioned the CC FB page, which is so encouraging, but it is also lighting a fire under me hearing all the pregnancy announcements and wanting to be one of them. I am trying to trust God, trust "right timing," but it is hard right now, as I am ready to be taking the next steps. Thinking of having a transfer before my December birthday, though, is still super exciting.

The other source of my impatience is definitely finances. I am scraping by on this much lower non-profit income. I still love the staff and feel good going in to work and helping brain-injured folks connect with programs and resources, but getting my paychecks is super disheartening. Please send good thoughts for me signing new clients who would benefit from my career transition support.

Tick. tock. tick. tock.  Argh!

Weekend Updates

Thank you so much to those of you who weighed in on the job opportunity analysis in my last post. It was really helpful! Most of you leaned towards the job with the healthcare trust because it's local, pays well, and offers the opportunity to work remotely. Those of you that favored the university job in Oregon mentioned the positives of living near family and having summers off.

After interviewing for both positions, I have an update on the details of each job, as well as my feelings towards them now...

First of all, the Oregon job interview did not go very well. It was a panel interview on a conference call, which I have never experienced and I can now report is super. awkward. I could not see anyone and received very little feedback on my responses, even non-verbal. They were not a warm and friendly crowd. The main interviewer was kind of formal and unhelpful in communicating the expectations and framework of the interview. In "normal" interviews, it is not uncommon to ask to add something at the end that did not come up in the interview, but when I did this, instead of clearly saying, "I'm sorry, we have to stop now due to time," or something like that, she kind of withdrew and begrudgingly said to go ahead, which totally threw me off.

Also, during the interview, I asked about collaborating between the career and advising departments and an idea I had for that, and got a very strange, stilted response about referring students to career counseling, which did not really answer the question. This also threw me off a little, as I had been told by my friend who works there that this is a great idea and they are really looking for innovation. I realized later that I likely stepped into some political sensitivities, because there was a representative from the career services department in the interview, along with the advising representative, who was leading the interview. This whole separation is foreign and non-intuitive to me, as here in California, we simply have college Counselors that do both academic and career counseling, versus dividing out these functions. What is weird is that it seems that advising helps students choose a major/career, my favorite part of the job. I am still a little confused, and not optimistic they will call me back, even though I feel I did very well on the first half to three-fourths of the interview. Oh, and I did re-read the job description and discover it's a 12-month assignment, so no summers off.

In contrast, I felt like I totally rocked the interview with the healthcare trust for a career counseling position. The whole interview felt as comfortable as an interview can feel, even though this one was also over the phone (only one interviewer though). She and I had a lot in common and seemed to totally click. We had moments of understanding and laughter, having both worked for community colleges and for workforce programs. And the core of why we like career counseling seemed to be similar. I am knocking on wood, but I feel I will likely be moved on to the next stage of interviewing, which will indeed be with a panel/committee. Ugh. In any case, she said I should hear back by next week on the details of this. One potential negative I discovered during the interview is that my position is located in Oakland, which is the one location that has a physical office where other Trust staff work. So, I likely would be working from that office part of the time versus fully remotely, although she indicated I would also work from home to some extent, as well as travel out to various healthcare center locations.

I do still feel positive about the Oregon location - central Oregon, which has waaay better weather than where I grew up - and living near family. My brother said he thought we would likely see each other every few weeks and our families could be more in each other's lives. But traveling for CA Conceptions treatments would be costly and less convenient, and I am really appreciating my friendly, healthy housemate situation, especially in comparison to the stress of my last housemate. In addition, she loves Zoey and plays with her regularly. Yay! She generously offers to let her out when she's home and I'm not, and hangs out with her outside or in her room, truly enjoying Zoey's company. I really feel like she adds to the joy in Z's life, which in turn makes me so happy.

Maybe Oregon does make more sense later, if I do decide to go that route... what do you guys think, hearing how things went?

So now I am playing the waiting game and working on getting new clients to make my budget this month. I plan on making outreach phone calls, which I don't enjoy but which sometimes brings referrals. There is an Art in the P@rk festival nearby that I also may check out today. My housemate and I are going to go in on a big nature photo hanging for the living room. Hope you have a great weekend!

Figuring stuff out...Please share feedback!

This post is going to be a "figure my shit out" post because I feel a little all over the map career-wise right now. I would appreciate feedback or words of wisdom from your own experience. It seems I'm in that situation where, even though I am excellent at coaching others and helping them make career decisions, I'm struggling to coach myself. Like the painter whose own house paint is cracked and peeling. ha

The context is that my career counseling business is in a "valley" within the journey of peaks and valleys that is self-employment as a counselor/coach, at least until you build enough passive income sources online. My college counseling unemployment ended, and I replaced it for the most part with a part-time, 15 hour a week (3-day), Resource Specialist job with a local brain injury support organization. Unfortunately I spend 2.5 hours per day, 7.5 hours per week commuting, so it ends up being at least 22-24 hours per week. Still okay, though the commute is stressful, but it limits my client and business building time. I still have 10 clients, three fairly new, though several are vacationing right now.

As I may have mentioned before, my clients often pay for a complete career counseling package up front, which is great in that moment! But not so great over the long term when I'm working with them but not receiving regular payments. To rely only on my business through one-on-one counseling work, I would need to bring in at least three or four new clients a month, and regardless, I need to bring in 1-2 new clients a month right now to supplement my other income. It doesn't sound like much, but that translates to doing a certain level of outreach and conducting at least 2-3 free career consultations per week. I haven't been marketing/networking as I should, though I did send out my third information-packed newsletter last week.

I also have drifted in my connection with my business marketing program. I'm officially finished with the weekend intensives that come with the program I signed up for. I want to enroll in the next-level program, but I didn't feel ready to do that a few months ago when my other program ended. I'm scheduled to assist at another introductory summit weekend in September, which will bring in several hundred dollars and another lower-rate opportunity to sign up. I have realized that being part of this program and actively developing myself and my business within a group of other committed, like-minded folks - many of whom were inspiring in that they were several steps ahead of me - really did push me and generate momentum in my business. As I think this through, I believe my next step will be assisting in the program I completed myself, Mastery, in Oct/Nov of this year and/or Feb/March of next and then moving forward with more money socked away towards the payments and hopefully receiving a higher income at that time.

Regarding the higher income piece, which is core to the desire to "figure my shit out," I have been applying for both full and part-time counseling positions with colleges and within other contexts. These positions generally pay more than twice what I make hourly at my current part-time position (my independent career counseling work pays four times as much per hour but as mentioned is difficult for me to predict and manage right now). I have two interviews next week, one as a career counselor with a memorial trust organization working with the region's largest health care system, and the other as an Advisor (career and academic counselor) at a state university in Bend, Oregon. The thing is, I'm not sure I want either of these jobs. As I have mentioned, I have thought that my ideal would be to find a part-time college counseling position close to where I live, which allows me to continue to put a lot of time into my business.

BUT And this is a big BUT, as you know, I am super excited to move forward with the CA Conceptions program and become a mom in the next year. To take the next step and begin receiving donor profiles, I need to take out a loan for the required up-front payment, and I believe I will have a higher chance of receiving this loan if I am making a consistent, higher salary. Not to mention, preparing for and supporting a baby down the road requires a good salary, as well.

Please bear with me as I analyze these two opportunities. It would really help if you share your opinions on these!

Pros and cons of the memorial trust position... Pros: located in Oakland which is where I see many of my clients and where I have friends; pays quite well - a little higher than a full-time college counseling position; seems to allow working remotely or virtual commuting; and uses many of my strengths while allowing me to develop skills I want for my business such as hosting webinars. Cons: full-time; requires some marketing and detail-oriented program management which doesn't fit me as well; limits my client contact to folks working within this health care system, though the system is large and requires many types of positions, not just medical practitioners.

Pros and cons of the Oregon state university position... Pros: located in Oregon, near family and in the same city where my family now has a vacation house and travels regularly (could be a big plus when I have a child); great weather and recreation in Bend; located near friends from my hometown who I recently loved reconnecting with at my reunion, including two living in the same city and one who works at the same university; and I am excited about the opportunity to work at a four-year university and see how that differs from community colleges. Cons: would require me to break my lease and move after having found a great roommate; pays significantly less than university advising/counseling jobs in N. California (10-15K less), though the cost of living is considerably less, too; full-time and would require me to put my business on hold for a while, though I believe I could rebuild it there; I would need to travel for CA Conceptions procedures; and relocating is stressful. One point worth mentioning is that "full-time" usually means 32-35 hours in a college/university setting and you often get part or all of summer off.

It's not as though I have been offered these positions yet, but I would like to go into the interviews with clarity about whether and how much I want the job. Another iron in the fire is having a full-time application in at the college near where I live, which I should hear back on in September. I guess I want to focus more on what I want and need in a job right now, and these parameters feel like they necessarily now include financially supporting my dream to become a mom in the near future. Please share your thoughts and experiences...What would you do career-wise, or how would you be thinking, if you were me?