Oregon and Mom's Memorial Service

I don't have it in me right now to write a full post on Oregon and my mom's service, but wanted to share a few highlights:

• Cried freely and profusely when I first arrived at my Mom and Dad's house.  My dad was sleeping and I brought stuff in from the car wandered around the house looking at her stuff and weeping like a waterfall.  It surprised me how it just rose up and flowed out of me like that.  Happened again when I was alone in the house, packed up and readying to leave.
• Lots of family and friends came to my Mom's service.  She was a quilter and they were all there, plus her family from Nebraska, including a cousin and his wife who I hadn't seen in a decade or so.  People from my Dad's side of the family came, too, including his brother and wife, and two of my cousins who were like siblings to me growing up, since we were around the same age.  Lots of crying, and even my Dad cried.  I cried several times when my family was speaking - my Dad's talk was especially heart-aching and beautiful as he talked, through tears a couple times, about their life and his feelings about her - almost when I was speaking but I was able to carry on, and then during the moving slide show of her life.  Sweet and sad videos at the beginning of her grandkids singing to her and at the end of everyone singing to her at her last birthday in January.
• My sister's friends were there, and I have to say they were really helpful and stepped up to support my sister.  Very good friends.  We all went to my brother's that night and it was a bit odd to have drinks and social time but I had some good conversation with her friends and my cousin.
• After the eight-hour drive up there, my back gave out in a weird way it never had before - for several days, a few times a day, something in my lower back (but not the lowest, up a ways from tailbone) would slip or give and I would experience a lot of pain, a couple times falling to my knees.  I took a lot of Advil.  Just went to the doctor today and of course today and yesterday it was better and I didn't experience that slip/shift feeling.  She said she thought it was a severe back spasm; that if the disk had slipped, it wouldn't just be pain in the moment, it would continue on.  It's so strange though, because it really felt like something wasn't aligned and was slipping.  I'm sure stress and the long hours driving contributed to the situation.
• I got to hold my new baby niece, D, and oh my goodness, she is the sweetest little bug ever!  Really tiny of course, at only one month, and a really mellow baby.  When you hold her, she snuggles into you, and when she falls asleep, she gets heavier.  I'm sure many of you know what I mean.  It's just the loveliest feeling.  I got to see my niece and nephew, J and E play in soccer and baseball games, too, that was pretty fun.  Thank God J is kicking the ball this year; last year, bless her heart, she simply refused to have anything to do with putting her foot on the ball.  She's not super competitive trying to take the ball or anything, but when it's right in front of her or it comes to her, she will kick it.  Yay J!  And E, oh man is he a little athlete, much to his parents delight.  I'm not biased (well not much) in saying that he had considerably better ball-handling skills than anyone else on the field.  He had to hold back sometimes so as not to dominate the whole thing.  I'm sure his parents have been playing with him a lot at home (I may have mentioned my sister and her husband played sports all their lives and were college athletes).  J and I had a nice coloring and giggling session one night, too.
• Since I was staying at my parent's house, I had the opportunity to hang out with Dad a few times, which was nice - mainly just watching tv together and eating a couple take out meals, talking about family or the service.  It was funny how much Zoey loved him and would go crazy trying to jump on this lap and lick him.  Stuff I'm trying to train her not to do, of course, but she just got so excited to get attention from him, it was pretty cute.  Dad is not emotionally expressive and shut down once or twice when I asked him direct feeling-related questions.  He's smoking some and not eating well.  He said that the week following the service maybe he would start getting and cooking some simple, healthier groceries.  I hope so.
• Okay, one kind of disturbing aspect to the trip that I almost hesitate to bring up because it's embarrassing and confusing, is that my Dad and my aunt (my mom's sister) were flirting.  Now, maybe this is some crazy rebound coping mechanism, especially since my Dad doesn't process emotions well.  Maybe it's a way to connect with Mom, since her sister and her were close and look and act alike in many ways.  Regardless, it seemed WAY TOO SOON and was unsettling to say the least.  But Dad has been so devastated that in a way you just want him to be happy.  My brother's wife, who is known for saying inappropriate things for shock value, said something about it at their house the night after the service.  She basically brought it up to my aunt's kids (and I was at the table too) like it was a good idea.  I just shook my head and said her name in a kind of warning tone and "too soon."  I told my sister and brother-in-law later, and they thought it was really out of line.  But then after that, I noticed that my Dad was flirting with her.  And I think I heard him say something about coming out to visit her in Nebraska.  Not sure what else to say about that other than - yuck.  And it's his life.  And time will tell if it's just a bizarre coping mechanism or what.

Now, I'm back, and finishing out the last weeks of the semester at my college as I prepare to pack up my stuff in storage containers the end of next week.  I actually haven't started packing at all, but I have packing help arranged for next weekend and have scheduled those storage "pods" to be delivered and picked up.  I need to get some boxes this weekend, as I continue to research and look at possible places.  One potentially exciting possibility is living with a woman I met on a F@cebook "conscious housing" page, with whom I share a common friend.  She and her boyfriend are expecting, and I told her about my hopes for adoption.  She's amenable to finding a place together and possibly sharing some meals and childcare, etc.  Looking around, the most we would likely get is three-bedroom, so the kids would have to share eventually or something if it were long-term.  Not sure how that would work out.  Anyway, I'm excited about the idea and of possibly not needing to move again in a few months to a year.  We are seeing a place tomorrow morning, so wish us luck. 

If I can't find a place, I have confirmed with my friend, E, that I can stay with her, even though I think I might be sleeping on a couch - yikes.  Her house is very nice, though, and we are good friends which would make things easier.  It would be a better situation if her nephew weren't also living there.  In any case, it's good to have a safety net to leave my stuff in storage for a few weeks/month if I needed a little more time to find a place.

Building my business has unfortunately but necessarily gone on the back burner.  I hope to be able to spend a few hours this weekend but also need to grade a bunch of papers and do some planning.  With everything going on with my mom passing and her service, and difficult finances, and moving, and my landlord being rude and unkind, I have that feeling of overwhelm, like I can't handle it all and if one more little thing happens, I'll collapse.  I did have a good cry today to my friend and former housemate, K, which was very helpful.

Happy Easter

Happy Easter to Everyone!  For me, it's a pretty normal day because my family is all in Oregon.  I am going to go get a pizza later this afternoon, so that will be my Easter fun.  Seeing pictures of my nieces, nephew, and little cousin is fun, as well. 

Looking forward to seeing them next week, though feeling somber about my mom's memorial.  Went through some pictures today and sent them to my sister who is creating a nice slideshow.  The show will be accompanied by songs that were special to my mom and dad.  There will also be three songs sung live, and it looks like I will end up speaking and saying a poem.  I wasn't sure I was going to, but now I'm feeling I should and want to, even though it will be hard.  My dad, sister, and brother will also be speaking, and I think we will have some coffee and cookies afterwards so people can talk. 

I was hoping my landlord would give some flexibility on my moveout date, due to my mom's passing and traveling to Oregon, but he left this kind of sh*tty voicemail (after I initially asked and he initially said no but then seemed to be considering it) saying - in an apologetic tone that didn't match what he was saying - that he needed me out by the 29th, and that he had been helping me and had given me "an extra 30 days."  What?  His "help" was giving me a sheet of local house listings that were way above my range and passing on a couple business referrals that never responded to my emails.  I appreciate the referrals but I sent him the email template and he passed it on to them.  And when he said "extra 30 days," I guess he was referring to the legal requirement to give me 30 days notice?  This is countered by the fact that he initially said this would likely be a longer-term living situation, and that if anything changed, he would give me a few months notice. 

The main thing is that I have been unexpectedly dealing with my mom's passing - it would have been very difficult to jump into house searching in the initial weeks of grieving, and traveling to Oregon takes further time away from what is a very difficult search in the Bay Area. 

So that is my lament, but there is nothing I can do about it, so I am just sucking it up and going for it, doing the best I can to find a place.  I applied for an affordable studio/one-bedroom I haven't heard back from yet and went to see two places yesterday.  They both are okay/do-able except for Zoey.  The first one is very rugged with lots of construction projects going on all around the house, and the yard is not enclosed.  The second one was great, except her dog - a sheltie/collie mix - barked sharply at something outside for much of the time I was there and tried to nip me once when I was petting her.  The woman said several times that her dog liked to have a "deputy to boss around."  Well, I'm sorry, but I don't want Zoey "bossed around" all the time, and I don't think Zoey would take to that either. 

So, the search continues... Thank God my good friend has offered a room for me to stay as a last resort, if needed, until I found a place.  It's not ideal, since her nephew is currently staying there, as well, but I'm grateful to have a safety net.  Tomorrow, I will schedule the moving container drop-off and pick-up and send an email about a packing party.  sigh.  I think I'll have a glass of wine with that pizza.

Quick Check-In

I'm doing pretty well, following my mom's passing.  I have cried several times, as I remember things she said or that we did together; gifts she gave me or just things she enjoyed.  Life is not fair in that she was taken away from grandkids who loved her, especially the oldest, J, had a sweet connection with her and I'm so sad for that loss.  I will be going up to Oregon again in a couple weeks for my mom's service on the 10th. 

But life continues on here in California, and I have been able to work and teach and mostly continue with my activities.  I had my second big client attraction (business coaching) program weekend last weekend and had some good insights around how my own blocks and perceptions around money and success are getting in the way of encouraging clients to make an investment in working with me.  I realized that part of me still believed in a "Fairy Tale" that prince charming or someone would come and rescue me and lift me up into the life I was meant to be living.  Or something like that.  So, I am trying to shift my perspective to knowing that "I" am the Hero of my own story and "I" need to fiercely pursue my goals and dreams and basically save myself.  It's a process.

Also, I have decided to not say that I will help my clients transition into well-paying work until I am a bit farther down that path myself.  I AM completely confident in my ability to hold space for exploration, ask powerful questions and provide powerful assessments and tools for my clients to focus on their purpose and passions and to connect these with a unique, meaningful career path in the world.  I can help with job search/resume stuff, of course, as well.  But until I'm a step further down the road, I don't think I will include "transition to a well-pay career."  I want to share all the business tools I'm learning in my program, but it's only been two months, so perhaps in a few months I can add some business/entrepreneurial focus as well - something I'm also interested in.

Next week is Spring break and I'm looking forward to some extra time to devote to my business and to figuring out my next steps with housing.  I am thinking of looking for a temporary living situation that would allow me to save some money and give me time to look for a great situation that would support my adoption goals.  Possibly living with a friend or in a small, inexpensive place, and putting most of my furniture in storage. 

That's it for now... oh, also, not sure if I shared that SB and I are done?  I might have shared that, but I feel okay about that.  I really liked him but I've come to the conclusion I need to date someone who is and "F" or Feeling personality type so that we share a desire to go deep emotionally and with ideas.  For SB, this was hard and uncomfortable.

I Love You, Mom, Rest in Peace

My Mom passed away on Tuesday early morning.  Didn't go to work that day after I got the tearful call from my brother and, after picking up some groceries, spent most of the day at home, hibernating and processing.

Went in to work Wednesday, which was pretty tough, but okay.  Was planning to go in yesterday, then my car broke down, and I had to take it into the shop for a repair.  My air conditioner will have to be non-functional for now (versus a $900 replacement), but it's running well.

SB was helpful and comforting on Tuesday night.  We are still seeing each other, and the other guy has gone by the wayside.  He was too unavailable and unresponsive.

Anyway, I'm making it through okay - it's so strange how you can see evidence of how alive they were not long ago, like in texts and on Facebook, but now they are gone and that's hard to reconcile.   But would appreciate your prayers and thoughts for my family, especially my Dad.  They were married for almost 40 years.

Why Blog?

I really enjoy blogging and get a lot out of it as far as expressing and clarifying my feelings and thoughts.  Also, I like knowing you are reading and following along.  

With regard to the second statement, I am having one of those moments I have had before, and have seen others have, in which I'm wondering who the majority of "you" are... Is what I'm saying landing with you?  I know the vast majority of people just skim through blogs, reading when they can in the midst of busy lives.  

It's kind of vulnerable to say, but I will admit that comments mean something to me.  In case you were wondering, they matter to me.  Even if I only get two or three responses, which seems to be the norm (out of supposedly, according to my stats tracker, around 50 page views per day).  

* Thank you to my few regular commenters and friends!

It looks like lots of folks come over from the blog, "Life and Love in the Petri Dish," who I know has a lot larger audience.  So, if it's true that comments indicate connection, maybe this blog is passing entertainment for many, and there is less of a connection to my posts.  I don't fault this or think it is bad... but I do like to have a sense that someone is out there, and that my words are landing.  Personally, there are maybe a dozen blogs I read regularly and comment on - not every time, but on a regular basis.

So, I am not sure what to do, if anything.  Maybe I'm feeling a little lost, like I'm writing in a void.  Maybe I need to be more focused and write more for my audience.  I started writing on January 9, 2011 and spoke about my journey of trying to conceive a child, as well as recently losing my job and seeking another one that had more of what I wanted.  I talked about making choices that didn't fit my family norm (that they actively disapproved of) and, through the title of this blog, wanting to claim my life as my own.  I have ended up sharing a lot about dating and, for a couple years, about trying to conceive with my partner.  Personal growth and self-improvement have also been big themes in my life and writing; since I'm an introvert, it's been very helpful to get out of my head! 

But my primary blogging connections have always been through the TTC and SMC communities.  At 46, I think I am done with ttc, though I am actively taking steps towards adoption.  I am continuing to date and am on the cusp of possibly getting into another relationship.  I only post every 10 days to two weeks so maybe that's not enough to stay on people's radar.  Maybe it's time to reach out to other communities, as well, so that more women might read and relate to what I am sharing.  Perhaps one of these new communities for me will be adoption or foster adoption.  

I know I want to stay connected to the few folks who I have come to know and consider friends.  Even though most now have kids, I love hearing about their lives, and hope to join them in the next year or two.  My brother's wife just had their second child, so my extended family is very kid-focused.

If you blog and have feedback, I welcome hearing it. And if you are following and would like to continue reading my blog, would you please comment and say "hi"?  What do you connect with in my posts or what would you like to hear more about?  Do you have any questions?  I would love to hear from you.

The Tale of Two Men...

Well, maybe not a complete tale, but the start of one...

First of all, I want to thank those of you that responded to my last post about my mom; it really meant a lot to me.  Thanks for continuing to hold her and my family in your thoughts and prayers.

Onward with the tale...

This seemed an appropriate picture somehow...

I think I have had a couple more dates with SB since the last time I posted.  We went to brunch and a book art exhibit, which was pretty fun.  My type of day!  Of course, I love brunch!  And art seems to be a great bonding activity for SB and I.  Then, before I left to Oregon, he came to my theater group, which was having a newbie night.  It was just okay (continuing our up and down theme).  I know I was tired - I think both of us were - and one exercise he and I did together during the class was actually disconnecting.  I shared something about myself in an exercise and his response was sort of flippant, I think.  I had already been judging him physically, especially in comparison to my beefy landlord/housemate, J, who leads the class.  Afterwards, we went out for a glass of wine and loosened up a little but it wasn't a great night overall.

Then I went to Oregon, then I had my weekend workshop, so it was kind of non-stop busy.  We reconnected Friday on the phone as he headed out of town to visit his daughter in Santa Barbara and made plans to get together tomorrow night.  But we had another emotional disconnect on the phone when I shared a vulnerable exercise from my weekend workshop and he started relating it to a story about Mitt Romney.  WTF!  Ridiculous.

But.  We talked through it and I was very direct in saying I need empathy.  I need to be able to share emotional things and feel like he is "with" me, cares, and is at least trying to understand.  He said that everyone wants that, which is probably true, and nice of him to say.  He said he sees that he has a pattern of disconnecting at these times and that it is something he wants to change.  Something about fear of disappointment or not being able to handle it or something.  Anyway, we came up with a "safe word" (kinda funny) where I will say, "Stay with me now," when he does this and he will try to stay connected, hopefully without getting triggered into his fear of disappointing me.  Good to have a game plan anyway, and we will see how it goes.

I have said several times that maybe he needs to be with someone who is more cerebral and less sensitive, but he doesn't seem to want that?  Underneath, I am also thinking that maybe I need to be with someone who is more feeling-oriented and sensitive, but I do like a lot of things about our connection, not the least of which that I generally feel comfortable and like I can be myself with him.

The other guy in the picture, C, is the guy I went to the live music and dancing event with three weeks ago.  It was a great night!  He hasn't had a lot of dance lessons, but he has good natural ability and was playful and fun to dance with.  He is cute and has an athletic build I find sexy.  I would say, though, that he's kind of inward-focused and quirky... definitely smart - he's pursuing his PhD in public policy and working as a public transportation union leader - but the emotional intimacy piece I'm not sure about.  It's too soon to tell.  We had a nice physical connection and the hugging at the end felt great, but the kissing was, well, not so great.  It was a little weird, like his technique is off or he was holding back.

He suggested three last minute dates over the last three weeks, all of which I declined and said I was unavailable.  Not loving the last minute invitations, and my brother and I agreed that it likely indicates ambivalence.  Yesterday, when he made his third last minute proposal, and we had a couple rounds of lackluster emails, I said in my direct way that it seemed like he was less than excited to see me again, and was this true?  He said no, definitely not, that he has some reservations about dating in general, but that after seeing me before, he was "charged" for several days.  Hmm, interesting.  So, we have plans now for wine this Thursday and possibly the next one, as well, for swing dancing.  I hope to learn more about his dating reservations and see if we have enough connection to continue getting to know each other.

Curious what your feelings are about both situations, when you hear about them?  Any questions you have about either situation?  Obviously I know SB a lot better at this point and am seeing patterns emerge.  I like him a lot but also have doubts.  C is still, to a large extent, an unknown quantity.  Physically, I find him very appealing, and I know he can match me intellectually but am not sure about other levels.  That brings us to the end of this chapter in the Tale of Two Men. :)

As a last bombshell to throw in here, my housemate told me on Friday that he will definitely be selling the house this summer and would like me to move out in two months.  Ohhhkay.  I admit this was not as shocking as it would have been had we - he, I, and his partner - not had a conversation a few weeks ago about money in which it was clear they felt I had been paying far under the market rate, and that he was looking to make more money and at least break even on the mortgage and expenses, etc. (at the time the options we were discussing is me moving into the other bedroom and paying a bit more rent and getting a new roommate as soon as possible).  Of course, I understand that, it's just strange when we agreed on the rent amount and he seemed good with it - and planned to share the house with me - and then everything changed and it seems he now feels he did me a huge favor and is not happy with the amount.  He feels part of the favor is "letting" me live here by myself, but that was never my choice, so it's hard for me to see that as a favor.

I think a lot of the "shifting sands" feeling I have is because he is in a huge time of change himself, and is also needing to now make decisions with his new partner.  So, he really HAS changed his tune over the time I've been living here.  Hard to believe it has been five months already.  I feel a little sick thinking of moving again, but somehow I'm not freaking out and actually feel it could be "meant to be," as this is not a good house for a small child.  I'm trying to roll with it and just keep making big efforts with my business.  These efforts are starting to take hold!  No new clients yet, but am getting the word out there and generating lots of possibilities.  Please think good thoughts for me, as this business taking off is going to be a huge piece of making this transition work.

Sad and Grateful

Drove back from Oregon yesterday and heading to work at the college soon. 

As I have shared, my mom is really sick and I needed to get home to see her.  Her doctors and hospice team had recommended that people come soon to assure that she would be coherent enough to communicate and connect with us.  My two aunts (her sisters) were there, too, so there was a lot of group family time spent talking, eating, watching tv.  My mom has a set-up on the living room couch where she stays and dozes off/rests as needed.  I didn't have the courage - or the space with family always around - to broach a meaningful conversation with her until yesterday before I left.  I knew I needed to take the opportunity. 

So, I bought a card and wrote a couple things I really wanted to tell her... basically, that I was sorry I wasn't more open as a pre-teen/teen when she tried to communicate with me (there are times I remember her trying and becoming upset when I refused to talk), and that I really appreciated her support at emotional times or times of crisis when she stayed calm and helped me figure things out or just plain helped get something done.  This includes when I was upset at my Dad and she stayed calm and helped mediate or talked to him behind the scenes to help him manage his anger.  Also, practical support like when I was a teenager and cut the hem of my skirt all wrong the night before a big trip, and she calmed me down and fixed it for me.  I also brought her a couple of magazines and ice cream. 

After she read the card, she thanked me and we hugged and held hands and cried a little bit.  I told her it wasn't fair and I was so sorry this was happening.  She said quietly, "these things happen," or something, which fits her practical Nebraskan character.  I was able to make her a simple breakfast before I left and we shared a long hug good-bye.

I am very sad, and also grateful to have shared that connection with her before I left.

So mad at myself! And some positive news...

Starting with the negative, I am so angry at myself right now!  And super sad, too.  I freaking left my traveling/teaching suitcase in front of the house yesterday, and it was stolen.  I remember being on my way in and stopping to pick up an extra coffee cup from the back seat.  I must have set the bag down by the car... either that or on the front porch.  Unfortunately, my street gets a lot of foot traffic, and apparently some loser thief walked by and snatched it up.  I left for my foster/adopt meeting a couple hours later and didn't realize it was gone until I got back around 9:30pm.  When I didn't see it where it normally sits, I started looking all over the house, then checked the car three or four times with gradually rising panic.  Pretty soon, the reality was clear that it was gone.  :(

I called the police and filed a report, checked the nearby market dumpster with the help of a kind young man, called all the nearby pawn shops and asked them to look for it, and posted flyers outside my house.  I even offered $100 for it's return on the flyer.  But nothing yet, and I know the odds are very low that I would get it back.  There was nothing valuable to anyone else in the bag - my class textbook, handouts, student papers - but the bag itself is worth several hundred dollars.  It. so. sucks.

I was so wound up and upset, I drank a stiff drink, then stayed up almost all night working on stuff for my business.  Several people received emails sent at 4 or 5 a.m.  lol  It made me feel slightly better, I think, to be working towards building an income after just having lost something valuable.

On to the positive news... first, the date last weekend with SB started pretty rocky, as neither of us were particularly grounded (same thing happened that one night at dinner).  I know this isn't sounding very positive but bear with me... I was in a bad mood after a difficult conversation with my housemate and was being a brat, and he got mad at one point when he felt I was unfairly representing his efforts to support me as, well, unsupportive.  We turned around from the event we were heading towards and drove back to my neighborhood. 

But... once we got back, we sat in the car talking and basically worked through it.  I suggested we just be affectionate friends right now - ha - and somehow that created a sense of freedom for both of us.  This wouldn't work with some people, but with me and him, I guess it took the pressure off of things needing to be "perfect."  We happily traipsed off to watch the Sup.er Bowl and eat lunch/drink beer.  Later, we came back to my place and ended up kissing on the couch.  It was very nice!  So seventh date ended up being a good one.  Funny side note: he happened to be wearing a t-shirt that said the word "Seven" in big letters.  I have my first date with the other guy to go dancing to a live band tonight.  Feeling pretty tired but we will see how it goes.

In another bit of good news, I attended the fos.ter/adopt orientation last night and learned some helpful information:

• Confirmation that a child 0-2 years could be placed with me in my current living situation.
• The mandatory 4-week training in Oakland fits perfectly with my schedule.  It starts in April - after my February/March client attraction weekend intensives - and will be Tues/Thurs evenings a couple hours after finishing work at the college.
• One of the trainers told me that once I am certified to adopt, I can register and create profiles with different counties, which expands the number of possible children I might be matched with. 
• It is nice to have checklists of tasks and steps so as to feel like I am moving forward towards the goal.

The one piece of bad news is that they do not necessarily cover all of child care, which they used to do.  There is a limited stipend, so I need to factor the remainder into my budget.  I did hear that headstart offers quality, affordable childcare.  Do you think that is true?

That's all for now.  Mixed feelings heading into the weekend.  Hope your weekend is starting on a high note.

Business and Pleasure

I don't really have time to write this morning, but still felt the need.  Later today, I am embarking on the seventh date with the guy I spoke about, SB.  We are attending a Sup.er Bowl party at the house of one of his co-workers.  I'm looking forward to it, but also it feels like too much is happening today.  I am going to leave soon to go to my Sunday morning dance group.  I would skip it, actually, but we are doing a "newbie night" soon at my Inter.Play theatre group, and I want to cross-polinate and give invite flyers to dance friends.

Part of my busyness is that I am also moving forward with actions to reach clients and build my career counseling practice.  These actions have included attending a small (very small - like 10 people) networking event last Monday and practiced my "What do you do?" spiel about the clients I seek to attract.  People responded well!  So that was encouraging and I have a few business cards to follow up with.  I have also been racking my brain for people and places with which to network and reflecting on the "package" I will offer clients.  Those of you doing coaching/counseling might relate to this.  I do not have teleseminars/video or a book yet, so my package is just made up of services:

• 8 hour-long career counseling sessions
• additional email coaching between sessions
• and either resume/cover letter editing or a personality assessment (administering and interpreting assessment and providing career guidance based on results).  

My potential clients are "amazing women who want to make a difference but are stuck in dead end jobs that don't fit them.  I help them blaze a trail to sustainable, meaningful careers that are deeply connected to their passion."  What do you think?  I hope my package offers enough juicy value that they will be excited to sign up for that level of commitment with me. 

But back to dating, the topic more likely of interest to you!  We had the fabulous date last week checking out local artist galleries and having drinks/dinner.  Overall a really fun and connected time.  Then, Friday night, we went to the Oakland museum for a food truck/music event.  It was just okay... We seem to be kind of up and down and honestly, I think it's more me that is up and down.  I do think he contributes by being more or less engaged and grounded based on his intense work schedule and being an introvert, etc.  But I am still struggling at times with thinking that he not "my type" and focusing on what is not "perfect" about him - an oh so familiar struggle, blech!

I think it is true that I would prefer he was less lanky and more stocky, and that it would be nice if he were a little more "cute" in the way I experience cute.  Looking at the positive aspects, he is fit and strong and has sweet, friendly eyes and a nice smile.  I like his hands and how they feel in mine.  The kisses are yummy.  And personality-wise, though he is more cerebral, he is also very attentive and caring, intelligent, and can roll with my "direct" nature.  Whereas my last boyfriend was a runner, SB is a stayer.  If something comes up, he becomes more engaged and tries to talk it through.  I appreciate that very much.

Well, that's all the time I have to analyze today.  :-) I will write more later after today's date.  I do have a date with another guy for next weekend, which feels right for the stage SB and I are at.  I am not ready to commit.

Stepping Out on Faith

So, I have a dating report... as well as a report on my hotshot "client attraction" workshop last weekend.  And a couple other tidbits of info.  Some developments require me to show faith...

Dating has been up and down.  I went out a couple more times with the guy I mentioned before.  He spontaneously came to my 'hood to watch the college National Championship game (booo Ohio State).  I was really sad when things took a turn against Oregon, but c'est la vie.  I think more emotions come up for me because of the connection with home and family.  In any case, things became awkward again.  I think he's sort of co-dependent in his response to things in that he tries to fix them right away or just tries too hard in general.  But then again maybe I am comparing him to my family culture in which my parents don't try much at all.  It brings up my anxiety and I want to tell him to just chill out.  On the other hand, I appreciate that he doesn't run away when things get awkward or tense, and the kissing continues to be good.

Last week, we met for drinks.  The bar was packed and distracting.  I found myself checking out another guy - that's not a good sign is it?  He wasn't making very good conversation, but then again, neither was I.  It's weird because we had such a good conversation the first time we went out; maybe I keep wanting to experience that again.  So, yeah, somewhat awkward and confusing again, then good kissing at the end.  This week, he seems to have taken a step back, which works to make me a bit more interested (annoying this works, but it does).  We have both genuinely been busy and were supposed to get together Monday, but I bailed because my energy was super low after the weekend workshop and I needed to catch up and recharge.  Then we were supposed to have a phone convo, and he bailed.  Last night, he asked me out for Saturday.  I guess I will go and see if fourth time is a charm?  What do you think?

I have also been interacting (sending "likes" etc.) and emailing with other guys from the online site.  There is one guy who seems very interesting who actually lives in my area.  He "liked" me and I reciprocated... I am waiting to see if he sends a message.  If I don't hear from him in a couple days, I might extend the first message.  I don't have rules about that kind of thing.  From what I have heard, I think here in the Bay Area, it is very common for women to initiate contact.  So, I'll keep you posted.

The weekend workshop! was! amazing!  Presented by the "Thrive Academy," it was three full days packed with useful information and personal growth activities aimed at increasing your confidence and skills as a holistic practitioner/coach/counselor in terms of marketing yourself and attracting clients.  Friday night, I had this big breakthrough in this exercise where you hold your chair up (it symbolizes the weight of your fears and barriers) and do this visualization imagining yourself going along as you have for the rest of your life and basically not breaking out of your self-imposed cage to experience freedom and your full potential.  Part of it was calling in your "power animal" which is not new to me, as I have been part of women's groups with a Native American focus, and have had many dreams, as well, in which mountain lions (and other powerful) cats have come to me.  So in the visualization, when he asked us to call in our power animal, the mountain lion was right there for me and it was so powerful to break out of the cage and limiting beliefs, which were tied to family and self worth.

I admit that exercise and others, as well as connecting with a few awesome people - part of the "magic" of the program is mutual support and community - and hearing about the proven results, combined to hook me.  I signed up for their year-long client attraction mastery program!  I can attend four weekend intensives this year, should I choose.  I am definitely attending in February and March.  It's nice because they are just during the day, then I can come home and recharge and care for Zoey at night.  I have already started working the steps of the program and have set up my first coaching call.  I intend to attract several new clients by the end of February, which will allow me to continue working part-time at the college AND earning a higher-level income to experience more abundance and choice - including foster/adopt and a larger living space (either through renting this entire two-bedroom house or moving).  I am both scared and very excited.  Please send me good thoughts!

Speaking of the foster/adopt program, after the packet got lost over Christmas, I finally received it a week ago and spoke with someone on the phone this week.  I plan to attend the orientation in February and likely begin the four-Saturday Pride training in April, after my two client attraction workshops in February/March.  I think I mentioned that I completed a similar training when I lived in San Luis Obis.po, but that was several years ago (they require more current attendance).  An April training schedule will give me time to increase my work with clients and prepare.  The good news is that I could foster a child under two-years old with only one bedroom.  But it's a bit risky because if they turn three during the placement, I would have to move immediately.  I really would prefer to foster/adopt an infant, though, so maybe it is "meant to be" to begin this way.

That's all the news for now.  Hope your year is starting with many blessings.

Promising Dates

This may be a disjointed post.  I want to report on my dating experiences of the last few days but am not in a very focused or clear mental space.  Please bear with me!

So, I had been emailing with this guy from an online site since before the holidays, but I went out of town, then he went out of town.  We weren't able to get together until Saturday, when we met at an outdoor/indoor sports bar/game place - bocce ball, bowling, pinball, etc.  Not necessarily my scene, but it ended up being fun and a nice day to be outside.  When I initially saw him, I wasn't sure I was attracted.  He is originally from New York/New Jersey and kind of looks that stereotype.  He's kind of lean and lanky but I learned later that he works out and is into biking also.  Anyway, he had a really nice warm smile and was immediately very "tuned in" to me, which is a nice contrast to other dates I have had.  After we sat down, we had a lot of really good conversation about a big range of subjects, including work and family.

Two times I was really moved:  once, when he shared about caring for a foster child - a three-year old girl - for nine months with his ex-girlfirend; and a second time when he shared about helping to get a program for the homeless started in the town where he lives.  Uncharacteristically, I became really moved and teared-up when he shared these things.  I shared a little about my desire to be a mother and that I am considering foster/adopt, and he responded positively.  The other significant aspect of the evening was that I generally felt at ease and comfortable with him, and I laughed a lot.  By the end of the evening, we were walking around hand-in-hand and kissed a few times, too, which was really nice.  Chemistry and comfort -  good combination, yes?

Moving on to round two, he texted me later that evening (it was an afternoon/early evening date), and asked me to dinner the following night.  This seems a little soon, but I had told him I was in a conference all next weekend, so that contributed.  I felt a bit uncertain, knowing my introverted self and that I had dance planned for earlier in the day, but I agreed.  We met up last night, and the start of the date was really rocky.  When I saw him, he looked different, and not good different.  I think his clothes fit him differently, and then I realized later that his sweater must have been pooched out in a weird way because it looked like he had a pot belly.  lol This is funny as I say it!  Anyway, he doesn't have a pot belly but that was the effect.  And also, I think because our previous date had gone so amazingly, there were expectations that we would pick right up where we left off.  But for whatever reason, I was not in a place to do that.

Sooo, it was awkward, very awkward, for a while there.  He kept trying to catch my eye and get connected and I wanted him to just be easy going and gradually reconnect through talking.  It didn't help that we were trying to taste and order wine during this period, and the waitress kept interrupting.  Anyway, finally we talked through it and realized that a lot of what was happening was that we are both introverts who were not grounded for different reasons.  We both had extroverted, busy days.  He fell asleep for a short while before meeting me and was a little out of it.  I had spent a lot of time (too much time) getting ready and also watched some Gold.en Globes beforehand, from which I had to pull myself away to meet him.

After talking, and relaxing a bit, sipping wine, we did reconnect and had some good conversation as we had the day prior.  And we held hands.  And we walked around and kissed some, too.  At the end, he said something about maybe getting together Wednesday, since we both have that night open, so we will see.  I feel a little less "ga ga" than I did after our first day, but still feel very attracted and interested in him.  He shared that he worked with Habi.tat for Humanity, and is still connected with them, which deeply moved me again.  I think his heart is pretty amazing.

I guess time will tell.  I haven't heard from him yet today but hope to later on.

Christmas Wrap-Up and Happy New Year!

I made it back from Oregon Sunday night with relative ease.  I would have liked to stay another day or so but my sister-in-law needed some alone time this week, which my brother let me know before my visit.  It was good to get home, and I know it was good for Zoey, too.

Christmas morning at my sister's was lots of fun; watching the kids open presents, drinking coffee and eating cinnamon rolls and quiche, and just general warm and cozy feelings.  I felt happy with the gifts I gave everyone, especially my nieces and nephew, (wish I could have spent more time with them to read the books, make baked clay objects, etc.), and my Dad (some nice long-sleeved t-shirts he wanted - he wore one the next day so I know he liked it :).

I received some nice shoes and workout clothes, but my favorite gift was the awesome travel suitcase for teaching.  Last year, I lugged around my files/books in an over the shoulder bag or large purse, jeopardizing the well-being of my back and shoulders.  This suitcase is perfect and has several compartments for organization and an extendable handle for rolling it along with ease behind me.  Can't wait to use it next semester! *As a side note, the number of registered students in my class has ballooned over the last couple weeks from 10 to 27!

Dinner that night at my brother's was another cozy gathering, the only drawback being my sister's family, including oldest niece and nephew, J and E, were leaving the next morning for a family trip down to the Rose Bowl so they had to cut the evening a bit short.  I feel sad and miss my nieces and nephew, especially J, but hopefully I will see them again in not too long.

Two last trip highlights:  Having a mellow, connecting breakfast with my mom and dad, which I have enjoyed the last couple trips up there, and having a night out with my two older cousins, who were like sisters to me when I was younger.  My cousins are big drinkers, so that night was pretty alcohol-focused, but we had some really good conversations about family, work, and our parents (who are brothers/cousins).  Our family (my dad's side) are not very communicative, so I was surprised to find out that one cousin's father had cancer - luckily very treatable - this last year, and his wife had a preventative mastectomy.  She, in turn, did not know about my mom's illness.  My dad later said he had told her dad, who I guess had not yet passed the information on to her.  Anyway, it was good to see them and share stories and laughs.  I did end up a little too drunk and paid for it the next day.  Note to self: stay away from hard liquor. 

Oh, and I also spend a lovely afternoon on Christmas Eve at my Aunt and Uncle's house, opening presents and eating a meal with my one cousin's family, which includes two little girls about my niece and nephew's age, and my other cousin's son, who my Aunt and Uncle adopted since my cousin has been unable to get his act together.  His wife is mentally ill, and he is currently in prison - I am sure fetal alcohol syndrome has unfortunately played a big role in his life decisions (he was adopted).  In any case, this is my birth mom's side of the family, and I am coming to appreciate having them in my life more and more (even though we don't share education or political backgrounds).  I feel a lot of love when I am with them.

This post is getting really long, but I also want to share some New Year's reflections.

 
I spent the day yesterday doing a reflective exercise that my ex-life coach shared with her past and present clients.  It included writing out your top 10 joys/wins/celebrations, your top 10 disappointments/failures, and what learnings you want to carry forward into the new year.  I culled the lists down to the top five or six in each category below:

Joys/Wins/Celebrations

1. Completing the Ecology of Leadership program and insights and connections that came out of that, including perspective on the disconnection that can come up for me in groups.  Clarified social change theatre goal and met a few times with interested people.
2. Successfully completing my first college teaching experience in Spring and second in Fall; third to follow next semester.  It can be arduous, but I am liking it and starting to have sense of competence.  Also, my new work collaboration that may lead to writing a book together...
3. Moving to Alameda! Was sick of my Oakland neighborhood and feeling it was not a good fit for me.  This place is not perfect but definitely better.  I’ve settled in and we’ll see what new year brings…
4. Making trips to Oregon regularly.  Prioritizing and nurturing family connections, including taking several actions on behalf of my mom (as a way to support her in lieu of emotional sharing, which she does not currently seem to want).
5. Zoey!  Our companionship – continuing to love and appreciate her.  She brings a lot of joy and play into my life.   
6. Starting to work out at the YMCA.

Disappointments/Failures/Losses – 2014

1. Threat of loss/challenge with mom’s illness. Don’t know what will happen so feels uncertain and scary at times.
2. Didn’t get two full-time counseling jobs after interviewing.
3. Dating life is a big failure with capital “F” (haha).  Lately been dating, tried to meet people – went on couple dates but weren’t that great.  Trying to be positive/optimistic and keep putting myself out there… realize I need to go out more into circles I have been meaning to attend.   (NVC, HSP, Transition, EOL, etc.)  Open to wherever he may show up.
4. It not being as different as I hoped it would be at the new house.  Tend to create same channels/habits.  Still looking for more creative outlets and creative collaboration.  
5. Loss of more functional backyard at old house – especially with regard to Zoey (but gained a lot as well).

What I learned and want to bring with me with purpose into 2015:

1. Support and love can be shown through conscientious actions on behalf of someone. (Mom and actions taken this year) Give love in the way the person is open to receiving it.  Family is valuable and worth nurturing these connections, even when challenging.
2. Wherever I go there I am. Physical location change does not equal a change in habits or lifestyle – that emerges from within and supported by routine/rituals.  But availability of resources and the aesthetic environment adds to quality of life (Alameda vs. Oakland).
3. Theatre/Dance Performance – physical/creative expression - and sharing that expression - is a strong drive and best manifests for me within a collaborative container or focused on performance or meaningful purpose.
4. I am open again to foster/adopt and housemate seems open, as well, to me possibly doing that here… plan to continue moving forward with inquiry.
5. Excited about possible book collaboration (and art collective in Berkeley).  Continue to take next steps.  Increase in income through increased counseling hours or increasing number of outside clients. 
6. Dating through internet not working well for me… need to get out a little more through groups that fit my values/interests.

Wishing you many blessings in the New Year!!!  If you haven't commented before or haven't commented in a while, please take a moment to say "hi" in the comments below.  I look forward to following your journeys and continuing to share my own in 2015. 

First Day of Christmas Vacay

Zoey and I made yet another drive up to Oregon yesterday, this one very smooth until the last hour and a half of sheeting rain and fog.  Yikes!  Passing those huge trucks when mostly blinded is no fun.  But we made it.  If I could manage to get my act together and leave earlier in the morning versus noon, that would help.  Maybe one of these days.

Today, I got up at the crack of dawn (well it was 7am but it was pretty dark!) and hung out with my little niece, V, who is now three-years-old and finally willing to let me play and read to her with her parents not around.  So fun!  And they appreciated a little free time to get ready and do a couple chores.

Then, I took Zoey on a walk and went to work out at the athletic club (part of the family business).  Before I left, I got really pissed off at Zoey when she knocked down the baby gate I set up to keep her downstairs.  Getting angry backfired on me, though, because then she wouldn't come when I called and I had to chase, cajole, and finally bribe her to come downstairs.  Then tonight I noticed she peed a little bit next to her crate.  I did not leave her for more than 2-3 hours at a time today and she goes several hours at a time without peeing at home.  What gives?  Anyone have insight into dog behavior as to why this might happen?  Because apparently my brother found a pee spot last time after we left, too. :-(  She's usually such a good dog, but I guess she's really accustomed to her routines maybe.

This afternoon, I met my family for lunch and they gave me a few gifts for my birthday, which was nice.  I need to decide whether I will get a pedicure or a massage tomorrow - which would you choose?  Very much looking forward to it!  And I was also given a pair of workout/running shoes and nice dress that goes well with boots.  Then I spent some time with my Mom driving around running errands and chatting.  She was a little altered by the pain medicine, but I was really happy to have the opportunity to hang out with her.

My sister, brother, sis-in-law, nieces and nephew and I finished the day going to a Duck basketball game, which they won in overtime to Santa Barbara (non-conference game).  Rode home in the back seat between my nephew, E, an oldest niece, J, laughing and singing Christmas carols.  A very full and fun-filled day!

Christmas is coming...

My birthday is tomorrow.  It is also the last day of my class.  I am giving a Final (no fun) but also buying cookies as a treat for my students and kind of to celebrate my birthday.  Tomorrow night, I plan to attend my InterPlay theatre group and maybe go for a drink with a couple friends afterwards.  Then, Wednesday, I am going out with a small group of friends to a birthday dinner at a cool looking Italian restaurant in my new town of Alameda.  After dinner, the plan is for a hot beverage, Christmas lights, and maybe even a little caroling.  In this moment, it feels like too much to do activities on both Tuesday and Wednesday, but I am going to go with the flow - it's my intention to do that more - and trust it will all work out.

Wednesday and Thursday are days to wrap presents, make hot fudge, and grade Finals.  Then, the plan is to drive up to Oregon Friday if the weather cooperates.  I am also fine with waiting until Saturday but hope I don't have to wait any longer than that.  I gave Zoey an early birthday gift of a dog bed, which she LOVES.  She had been using a smaller pink dog bed I got her when she was a puppy but it had become too old and worn out.  Plus this one is more comfy.  She looks so cute in it, doesn't she?

One of my Christmas gifts this year is a recording of an interview I did with my Grandma and Grandpa, about 10 years ago.  If you remember, my Grandpa passed away last year and my Grandma passed away a couple years before that.  As I mentioned, they were like second parents to me, and my Grandma and I were especially close.  The interview reminded of me of that, of how comfortable we were together and how we just "got" and accepted each other.  A wonderful feeling that I miss dearly.

I appreciate having the interview to remember but had been afraid to listen to it for fear the tape would break.  I finally had it made into CDs and am giving copies to my aunt and uncle and cousins.  I think they will like hearing it, even though it a bit slanted towards me and my Mom (birth mom), since I was the one doing the interviewing.  My Grandma cries once during the interview talking about my Mom - it's amazing how the grief over losing my Mom seemed to stay with her and my Grandpa for their whole lives.  Of course, that was one thing that we shared (the loss of my mom) and likely added to our closeness. 

Though my Mom (step mom) and I don't really talk - I've reached out but she doesn't seem to want to connect right now - I have been thinking of her often and sending prayers.  I have also done a couple of things "in her honor," like the care package I sent a while back, recently hanging the art tiles they gave me last Christmas in my new bedroom, and getting the special Campbell's Soup napkins (my Grandpa worked for Campbell's Soup) hemmed that she was going to finish but couldn't because of nerve damage in her fingers due to her treatments.  I also bought all the supplies to make her a special Christmas card, and I hope I can find the time and energy to complete it.  I guess I can work on it in Oregon if need be, but I know from experience how difficult it can be to get stuff done there.  If I leave on Saturday, maybe I can get it done Friday.  Anyway, I'm trying to do more practical actions "for her," if that makes sense, because I want to at least be doing something. 

I am really worried that they will be telling us bad news when I go home.  My brother asked my dad about the scan my mom was going to get to see if the immunotherapy treatment was working, and he said it had been rescheduled or something.  Then my mom and dad left for a trip to Arizona, which seems kind of odd timing.  So, I'm scared but want to be as present and loving as I can be through whatever happens.  Of course, I am also looking forward to seeing everyone and spending time with my nieces and nephew.

Well, I better go put the finishing touches on my Final.  Sending good wishes to you all.

Exhaustion

I am in a no good, very bad mood today.  I think in part because of hormones and in part because I taught an all-day class yesterday, the last couple hours of which were pure hell.  One of me, 25 of them, all trying to create and enter educational plans into a system that was locked up and refusing to cooperate.  After consulting with my supervisor, I finally just had them turn in their plans on paper and spent much of this morning entering them into the system myself. 

Then, my "housemate" (technically my housemate but more like landlord, as he never stays here) J, stopped by completely unannounced.  I realized he tried to send a text 10 minutes before that didn't go through.  But, regardless, it's like he doesn't register my feelings; like they don't matter.  He bursts in the front door with his partner, yelling "HELLOOOO" in a really boisterous way, with lots of energy that he doesn't reign in, even when he sees that I am sitting at the table working (unshowered, in grungy sweats) and am clearly caught off guard.  Then he keeps bustling around the house being bossy and directive and not listening to me.  Grrrrr! 

I feel sooo tired and depressed.  Definitely not in the mood for this housewarming party we are having this evening.  Maybe I should go work out; that might help.  I have had an injured/out of place shoulder/upper back injury since before Thanksgiving, so haven't been working out.  It has slowly been improving, and I think I could go today.  Either that or take Zoey on a long walk.  Something to try and rise out of this run down funk.

A New/Old Idea

Happy Friday!  The corner has definitely been turned heading into the holiday season...

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving - both the gathering I now have planned with a few friends to eat, play board games, and watch a movie - and having extra time off.  I think I'm going to get a Christmas tree this year, so I'll probably put it up that weekend after Thanksgiving to allow three weeks of enjoyment before I head off to Oregon.  And eggnog coffee is already bringing holiday joy to my mornings. :)

Regarding my last post and "the void" that was left by not focusing on fertility and ttc (and not being in a relationship - and that I'm now noticing more since I'm settled after finding a place and moving): I talked to my new Ecology of Leadership (EOL) phone buddy, and she suggested putting it out to the larger EOL group.  I did this and heard back from two or three people who said they were available for phone calls and would like to get together.  I have a lunch date for next week.  This is all good but has helped me realize that the "void" is definitely more about day-to-day connection, not as much having events planned on the calendar.  Phone calls may help if I can get in the habit of reaching out.  Pursuing a creative project may also bring meaning and focus.  But I think the core of it really gets back to my longing for family.  Along these lines, C asked me about another possibility I haven't focused on in a while...

Guess I need to backtrack first and say that BBBS rejected me.  I was surprised but noticed that I felt some relief.  The woman said policy prevents her from telling me the exact reason, but that I have a lot to offer a child and she hopes I find another avenue to connect with one.  So, it didn't seem to have anything to do with my character but might have had to do with what I shared in the interview about trying to have a child for quite a while and that I wanted ideally to have a positive connection with a child who was able to "attach" (I have worked with youth who have attachment disorders).  She may have felt I had too high of expectations for the experience, and they really emphasize having little to no expectations.  In any case, I have come to think it is for the best, and the relief I felt was about the recognition that I don't think a big sister relationship would likely fulfill much of my desire to be mother.  I was "settling" for that choice, which isn't a good place to be coming from.

Back to the other possibility C asked about... She brought up foster parenting and adoption.  I actually completed a foster parent adoption training when I lived in San Luis Obispo, but then my organization closed doors and I didn't feel I could move forward while unemployed.  I'm still not earning what I feel I should be ideally, but I'm stable and employed.  When she asked about it, I felt excitement and energy to investigate what would be required in this county, so I plan to do that in the coming weeks.  Even if I don't move forward right now, it will be good to have the information.  One obstacle could be that I live in a two-bedroom house.  J is never home but the other room is still "his" room.  Maybe that would limit me to fostering younger children, which is what I would like anyway.  Much to learn.  What do you think of this plan at this point?  Am I being overly optimistic that I might qualify?

It's raining here today, so I am going to have a cozy day working on another full-time counseling application, grading papers, and refining my agenda for Tuesday's class - only one class to plan for this week - yay!  And I have a couple Netflix movies to watch later.  Hope you are keeping warm and cozy, too.

Filling the Void

Happy Hump Day!  "Hump" makes me think of "The Hump Bar" now, which is an establishment on the show "Army Wives"... yes, I have been spending far too much time watching this show.

I had what I thought was a semi-deep thought about TV watching while talking to a couple friends after my InterPlay theatre group last night.  One friend had just returned from two weeks hiking with her family in Nepal (she was not near the avalanche, thank goodness) and was describing how, during the entire trip, she was surrounded by family and other community, including porters who constantly watched her and anticipated her every need.  After returning to her regular life, she felt unhappy with it and depressed that she was returning to watching a lot of TV for relaxation and down time.  She missed the attention and ongoing connection with others.

I responded with sympathy (as I have shared here, I have TV-watching patterns that I question) and also the thought that a "void" wants to be filled.  When something is missing or goes away, other things will flow in to fill the space.  It makes sense.  So, continuing that thought now, it's not necessarily about trying to stop TV watching but about considering other choices that fill the needs for relaxation and connection.  And when you live alone, the connection options are fairly limited, especially when you are an introvert and worn out from the day.  Even introverts, though, need to be seen and heard - need attention and loving on a regular basis.

My work gives me contact with people, but I am in the "giving" mode when it comes to attention and care.  I provide the counseling for the students, and I enjoy doing it.  AND I need, if not counseling, then opportunities to express myself and receive care.  In my last living situation, my housemate, K, and I had meals together on a regular basis; maybe not every day, but at least every two or three days and sometimes more.  Now, somehow, while seeking a "community" living situation, I have created a very similar similar living situation to my prior one, with even LESS connection!

How did this happen?  I think, in part, because it's hard to find the "right" living situation with others, but also because I do need down time by myself to recharge.  I don't think living in a full or "bustling" household would work for me.  I just want one or maybe two other people to connect with at least once a day for meaningful conversation.

In the past, when I was in a 12-Step program, this need for meaningful connection was met through meetings.  When I am in relationship, this need is met through my partner... at least when the relationship is functioning in a healthy way.  When I attend my dance and theatre groups, this need is sometimes met, but often not fully, as group conversation tends to stay on the surface (these groups definitely meet my need for movement and creative expression, however!)  Going out to eat afterwards brings more opportunities, but that generally only happens once a week at the most.  Talking to my brother feels good in terms of connection, but he is busy with his own family and we only talk every two or three weeks.  I have a couple of friends with whom I can talk on that level, but again, we get together every couple/few weeks.

Sooo, in the interim, day-to-day, there is a void, and I fill it with TV.  So shoot me. :) I'm going to cut myself more slack around that, as well as try and create those reflective spaces around it, in which I can consider other choices - journaling/blogging or talking things through out loud into my video phone (to feel more "heard"); maybe a collage or art project (Christmas is coming up), or maybe, when I can afford it, going to see an NVC counselor that could provide empathy.  Maybe I could look at joining another NVC practice group.

Thanks for listening to my reflection and brainstorming around this topic.  It was helpful!  As I wait to be matched with a "little sister," I think it is good timing to recognize I could use more support myself.  I think when I get more support, then I can provide better support for others...

AND, I will try and have compassion for myself around my (sometimes excessive) TV watching.

Settling In, Family, and the Ducks

Sorry for the long absence; it's been quite a transition period!  I am fully moved in and functioning at the new place.  I like it a  lot, and the neighborhood is indeed turning out to have much more in the way of shops, stores, restaurants and coffee shops, etc.  Zoey and I haven't found our ideal walking route yet, but we're working on it.  The commute to work is better than imagined - maybe a few minutes longer but feels similar and very doable.

It was a LOT to try and move and then travel to Oregon the following weekend.  Yowza!  I would not make that choice again.  But it was the only weekend that worked if I wanted to get a trip in before my Christmas visit.  Drove eight hours Thursday eve and arrived at 2am, then eight hours back Sunday late afternoon, getting in around midnight.  Non-stop busy in-between, seeing my aunt, uncle, cousin and family, going to the Duck game on Saturday, and spending time with my mom.  My brother warned me that she was not doing too well and became tired very easily, which was true.  I was able to pick up some lunch and grocery items she needed, which felt good.  I did not necessarily plan this to be an update about her - I will write more later - but will mention she has one more line of treatment, which is to receive immunotherapy drugs that are still being tested.  Apparently, they have shown promise with skin cancer, which has similar properties to my mom's type of cancer.  In conjunction, she may receive some sort of enzyme treatment.  I don't fully understand it and don't think she does yet either, but she had her first treatment last week so praying for the best.

The family is actually here this weekend for the Duck game with Cal (I did not know they had this planned when I planned my trip up there but it's nice to hang out two weekends in a row, especially right now), which happened last night.  The seats were apparently pretty expensive and included the ability to go to club level.  That was probably the most fun part - hanging out prior to the game at a table in the very nice club area and talking.  Many times, I don't feel engaged with the all-family conversation topics, but we had some interesting exchanges about memories, politics, and current events (talked about medical marijuana for example, and that maybe my mom should try it), as well as one-on-one conversations.  It felt more connected than usual.  The game was fun to watch, too, and the Ducks took over after the first half, wining by a large margin.  The one part I did not enjoy was when my sister dragged me and our sister-in-law up to this douche-bag's "box" in the upper level.  I think she thought it would be fancy and have lots of great food/drink but it did not.  The view was great but the company left much to be desired, as the guy was a big schmooze-y cheeseball.  Oh well, I guess we went up there for my sister, as she had a good buzz going and wanted to socialize.  After the game, I had an interesting, but nice, ride with my mom in a pedicab to a nearby hotel where our car was waiting.  Everyone else walked but it was too far for my mom, and I offered to ride with her.  You kind of feel like a big anchor on the poor guy's bike, but I guess he does it a lot and is in good shape.  Tonight, we are meeting for dinner at a steakhouse in San Jose, where they are staying.

Another piece of news to report is that I found out last night that I did not get the full-time counseling job I interviewed for in Santa Rosa.  I don't think I even mentioned the interview - yeah, that happened during the week after I moved, before my trip to Oregon!  I felt good I was one of 10 chosen to interview out of 65 applicants and was able to pull it off at the level I did.  It could have been a little stronger in parts, but overall, I did a good job with the teaching presentation and interview questions.  In retrospect, however, though I felt my rapport with the interviewers was strong, they seemed to have already made a decision.  Maybe it was one of their current adjunct counselors or someone they knew personally, or maybe someone who interviewed before me just knocked it out of the park.  In any case, I am disappointed but slightly relieved, as it would have meant finding a place up there and moving again in the next couple months.  I heard there may be a position coming up soon in Alameda where I live.

There is more to say about the house and my new housemate.  For example, he has yet to stay overnight here since I have been here, but has been coming by quite a bit and he and his boyfriend stayed here the weekend I was in Oregon.  I have had a couple meals with them and enjoy hanging out with the two of them together as much or more as hanging out with him by himself.  His partner kind of mellows him out, it seems.  The odd thing to me is that my housemate (J) has gone through chaplaincy training and worked as a chaplain, which would seem to involve intense emotions, yet he seems to have intense emotions that can overwhelm him.  Maybe that's not strange - he is human after all - it just catches me off-guard when it happens.  Like when the three of us were at dinner the other night, and his partner said something about how it was nice to go through this ritual at an event after his first partner and mother had died.  After a minute, I commented that I felt a little sad thinking about that because my family doesn't really seek out those kind of meaningful rituals or even talk much at that level.  J then became flustered and tense and said, "We can change the subject now!"  Which we did, but it was quite abrupt.  I'm guessing he still feels a lot of grief about his long-time partner passing away - I think it was a year and a half ago or so.  I'll post more about J and settling in later, as well.

I am going to sign off now to take Zoey on a walk, then head out to buy my niece a birthday present.  I have been keeping up with your blogs for the most part, though just got internet going here at the new place a couple days ago.  I will be able to post and comment more often now.  Exciting birth news from Jenny!  and lots happening with Nell and Abby and others.  Sending good thoughts.

Drama! or "Combining Households is No Joke"

Hello All and Happy Sunday!

I am procrastinating working on my lesson plan for Tuesday (though some thought and research has been put into it already), which is an important one as I'm being "observed" (Judged. Ach!).  The woman who is coming to observe me is kind, though, and I think more easy going than the one last year.  Last year's class observation was actually not a problem or "triggering" for me for whatever reason, though - it was the one-on-one appointment.  You can't plan those out; you just roll with whatever the student brings you.  I will have a different observer for that portion than for the class, and she is also kind and more easy going than last year's.  She has been at the college for a long time, however, and is detail-oriented.  Think "kind school marm" type.  I am focusing on doing the best I can and detaching from the outcome.  Please send me good luck!

On to this week's exciting and dramatic installment of the moving process!  It continues, albeit slowly and with many stops and starts.  More kitchen packing has happened this week with the much appreciated help of a friend, but my stuff is all still here at the old place.  I will begin living in the new place Sunday night, after my furniture makes the transition in the u-haul that day.  Zoey has visited the new place twice now.  The second time was last Friday, and she met the two dogs, which I will talk about in more detail in a little bit.  It was intense, and I made it more intense by my subconscious resistance to moving...

Yes, my fears have continued to come up at times, imagining potential negative impacts on Zoey with the environment change and meeting new dogs, and whether my stuff will even fit in the new place.  We have been quite sheltered here in a way, which has been both positive and negative.  I may have mentioned that living here three and half years is the longest I have lived anywhere as an adult, which shows how transitory my life has been, but my main point is that I really settled in to this place.  Even though the new neighborhood will have people I know - more than I realized - and will be walkable with many great places to eat and hang out (much more than the old neighborhood), it is still hard to let go of the old comforts.

One great thing about my old place has been the backyard - the raised beds with lots of garden goodies, the fruit trees and berries, and the expansive feeling to it.  The new place has a backyard that is nice enough.  It's enclosed for the dogs, smaller but not tiny, and has a lovely tree and bench to sit.  But it's not as open and "lush" feeling.  Not as great for Zoey to run around in.  I have sat a lot at the kitchen table here, looking out into the yard, so it's been a big part of my day-to-day environment.  I have enjoyed meditating in the yard and sitting in the sun, reading.  But part of why I have spent so much time there, as well as on my couch in the living room, is that the neighborhood is not a great place to walk and hang out.  So I think what I'm losing in backyard may be made up in neighborhood beauty and expansiveness, if that makes sense.  If I have talked about this already, I'm sorry.  It really helps to talk about all this - apparently more than once! lol

In any case, because of my fears, I have had my brakes on to some extent in relation to the move, without meaning to do so.  Normally, I would have checked in with my new housemate, J, to confirm when we were meeting Friday, but I kind of "forgot" about it and thus avoided the feelings.  I worked out Friday and was running errands when J texted asking where I was.  I let him know I was out running errands and would call soon.  When I got home, I grabbed Zoey and called to say I was headed over there.  As a side note, we had never agreed on a time, but J had "assumed" a time based on me saying I wanted to avoid traffic, and he hadn't checked in with me to confirm either...

In any case, J was quite frustrated, which I didn't find out until later when he had a minor meltdown.  It was so strange - I was feeling guilty for being super anxious about the dogs and making things worse, so I laid a hand on his arm trying to ease tension and said something about how we are just getting to know each other, too.  Well, I guess that opened a door for him to communicate, and "communicate" he did.  His emotions and frustrations kind of caught me off guard.  I may have mentioned his partner and he lived in this house for 10 years or so before the partner passed away last year, so there's that in addition to J having never been a landlord before and feeling unsure about how to handle some of the details.  Also, he apparently needs to have a renter in asap for financial reasons, which I am just finding out.  I can see my reticence and anxiety were adding to his insecurity.

So, bottom line, he has his own "stuff" going on, which I added to and triggered on Friday.  I imagined for a minute the whole situation might just blow up and was thinking, "Oh my God, where will I go?  I'll have to call my friend Elizabeth." But luckily, we hung in there and were able to talk through it.  Then we spent some time moving furniture around and putting up curtains in my new room, as well as discussing how to combine our household items, which helped us to connect and make things more real.  Whew!  And that was just the "people" dynamics...

The dogs were a whole nother layer!  We took Zoey on short walks with each of the other dogs.  The smaller one, a 6-year-old chihuahua mix named Moses, was first and it went okay except for a couple barking/lunging episodes from Moses.  Zoey does not tend to be submissive with other dogs, nor does Moses, who seems to have a bit of "small dog syndrome."  Meeting the second dog, a larger terrier mix named Rudy, was super smooth - both dogs sniffed butts and walked along fine together, no reactions.  Granted, Rudy is 13 years old and very mellow.  Then, J wanted to throw all the dogs in the backyard off-leash, but I put the kabosh on that, due to Moses' reactivity earlier.  We tried introducing the two of them again on leash at the side of the house but Moses barked/snarled/lunged.  Argh!  J thought it was because I had treats, and he hadn't had dinner yet.

So, Moses got fed, the two other dogs were put in backyard (Z was in house) - that's when the big convo between J and I took place - then Rudy somehow slipped in the dog door while we were putting up curtains (he's never done that before)!  Z and Rudy were again super fine and mellow together.  Then we decided J would get on the floor with those two, with a plan that I would let in the little one and if there were any reactions between him and Z, he would grab one and stand up.  I let Moses in the back door and quickly walked to the other end of the house, practicing my detachment.  I listened for reactions... nothing... J yelled over that everything was fine!  Thank God.  Little Moses got up on his bed in the chair, and the other two dogs just walked around the house with us.  At the end, Moses got down and was walking around too, so I think we got through the hardest part, knock on wood.  I hope to move boxes over Wednesday and/or Friday, before moving the furniture Sunday.

Yikes, here we go!

Weekend Update

My friend was supposed to come help me pack up my room today, but she got food poisoning and had to cancel. :( So, I suppose I should jump into the task myself, but that's why I welcomed her help - because it's easier to accomplish with moral support (and a kick in the butt).  The move date of October 3rd is fast approaching!

I did spend several hours today making my famous "Eggplant Enchiladas" from the Moosewood Cookbook, as well as cooking up a few potatoes I had in the fridge into a yummy onion/garlic/cheese/mushroom potato skillet dish.  Taking a break and then going to work out.  I have been going three times a week pretty consistently. 

Yesterday, I finally bought a decent yoga-type workout shirt and pants, so I don't feel so ratty.  I also bought a short-sleeve t-shirt dress with lightweight leather-type material (pleather?) on the sleeves, which I think will look cute with my boots.  I so rarely buy clothes these days, it felt good to get something new.

On Thursday, I took Zoey over to the new house to meet J (my new housemate) and start getting a feel for the place.  The two dogs - one belonging to J and one to his boyfriend - stayed in the backyard.  We are trying to do things incrementally, so the next step will be to meet one or both of the dogs on neutral territory like a park and/or on a walk.  Honestly, I am pretty anxious about it.  Even though I've had Zoey for a couple years now, I am no expert on dog behavior, and she hasn't spent much time socializing with other dogs.  She loves people, but the experiences she's had meeting dogs on walks have been mixed.  Sometimes great and other times, she gets jumpy and they bark.  The worst instance was with another Boston who started growling and then they tangled up leashes and went 'round and 'round in circles growling/snarling.  I thought they were going to kill each other but no biting actually happened.  Oh and then I tried to arrange a playdate with another male Boston and Zoey growled and snarled at him when he got up in her space.  I've since learned I shouldn't have introduced them on her "turf," and also this dog was a scrappy-looking rescue dog who lived with two pit-bulls, so I don't think his behavior was great. 

Anyway, I feel so responsible for her and don't want her hurt in anyway.  But I don't think my anxiety helps the situation sometimes!  At least we are trying to be conscious and follow the "expert's" advice on how to introduce dogs for the first time.  Fingers crossed!  I think if she is able to acclimate with the other dogs, it could be really fun for her to have playmates.

On the people front, J and I went to a play together a week or so ago, as well as talking more during the Thursday visit... Remember what I said about him being an actor and extrovert and sometimes dominating the conversation?  Well, it has unfortunately been the case.  He is a really sweet guy and has had a hard time with his partner passing away last year.  But I am not really interested in being a "groupie" or playing his audience all the time, you know?  He seems to love to "hold court" and expound on any number of subjects, seeking attention and sympathy whenever possible. 

When I was there Thursday, he asked about a date I had the week prior, and I had just begun to share about it when he jumped in and started talking about how he and his partner met in their church community and why it was such a great way to meet, etc.  I tried to pick up the thread I had started to talk about when he interrupted again with a raised voice and further explained his point of view.  Argh!  I'm trying to cut him slack because I imagine any talk about dating and relationships might bring up intense feelings for him around the loss of his partner, but I do like to be heard and seen in a conversation, as well.  Not sure if he will be around enough - as mentioned, he will be spending a lot of time at his new partner's house - but I may need to make a request of some sort if it continues?  We will see, but it was the first time I felt a twinge of nervous "Buyer's Remorse" about my new living situation...

Off to work out!  Hope you are all enjoying your Saturdays!