For some reason, I am not so excited to tell the rest of this story. . . but I feel I should in case anyone is wondering how the trip unfolded (it went on for another several days until last Friday). And to capture it for posterity.
Soooo, after R dropped his little bomb, I became very upset and started packing my clothes, asking him to book me the next flight out. It was high drama: me crying and pulling clothes off hangers, stuffing them in the suitcase, shrugging off his attempt to comfort me, demanding that he get me the next flight.
When he eventually complied, I had one of those moments where you are struck with such undeniable clarity, do you know what I mean? I KNEW I was not going to get on that plane, that I literally could not get on that plane. And when I came to that conclusion, a calm washed over me: I'm sure in part due to feeling some control over a very out of control situation, but also because I really think it was the right thing to do. Because until that point, R was emotionally shut down, but after that? Complete and utter shock, anger, shaking, heart palpitations. . . and I know this sounds heartless but it felt really good for him to engage emotionally in some way, even if it was negative. Anyway, after some further back and forth and ugliness, he left. Later, he confessed he slept in the car that night.
After he left, I felt upset but also calm and still like it was the right thing. Very strange. I tried to contact him the next day but he did not respond, though he actually came home very early in the morning to shower (he stayed at his friend's house).
The following day, I wrote him an email apologizing for my part of things, addressing extenuating circumstances (such as this triggering our time together before when he 'pulled the rug out' from under our relationship, family emotions, drinking, pms, etc.). He wrote saying he appreciated the email but could not deal with things right now, felt horrible, admitted he just wanted to run away. I said I understood but I still hoped he would talk to me.
The following morning when he came home to shower, I got up and talked to him in a half-asleep stupor. It seemed like he kind of expected me to do that. It actually felt good to talk to him, though we did agree I would confirm a plane reservation for the following day.
He came home that night and we talked for a couple hours further. Some good understanding emerged, including that when I express a feeling or concern, I am not looking to hurt or punish him, or for him to fix it. Most often, I just want understanding and empathy.
A light bulb clicked on for me when he talked about HOW I bring up a concern; i.e. first distancing and then talking in a cool, critical tone. He said there are other ways to get his attention and demonstrated keeping connection, warmth, physicality. Very interesting and useful information for me, as he is not the first person to feel picked at or criticized by the way I communicate feelings. He in particular seems affected by my frustration/criticism because of many years with an ex-wife who was, in his perception, often disappointed with him.
Long story short, he stayed at home that night and we left on a good note, if you can believe it. Both said we loved each other, and that we were going to take time to process and then talk on the phone. . . .which we did today!
It went really well and we are going to continue to explore things. This might sound insane after what I just described, but I really do love him and know he loves me. We both agreed to work on things - he said he was going to try and be more open with what he is thinking and feeling, instead of coming to big conclusions on his own, and I said I would not pressure him to talk (process, discuss deeper issues) if he wasn't in a good place to talk. He admitted he is less sensitive when he is drinking or the next morning and that was a factor over the weekend.
So we shall see. The kid issue continues to hang out there and I will write more on this in my next post. Thus ends my dramatic trip saga!
3/26/2011
Disappointing Trip Report - Part I
I'm back from my fairly disappointing trip up North.
Sipping wine and, I'm sad to say, smoking a few cigarettes this afternoon (I am prone to do this occasionally at times of emotional stress).
The wedding was lovely. Everything came together as far as my dress, my toast, my poem reading, and standing up - proudly - for my brother. The wedding activities and wedding came off beautifully, without any major difficulties. It felt so good to be there for my brother at the rehearsal and just prior to the ceremony and hear his thoughts, give him some sisterly advice to be in the moment, drink water, etc. I love my brother so much and hope he is incredibly happy with his new bride.
The situation with R on the other hand. . . well, let's say it did NOT unfold as hoped or planned.
The night prior to him driving down for the weekend from Washington, after I had already arrived in Oregon, he dropped out of communication. I tried to text and call but no R. I wanted to figure out some plans for the next day, confirm when he was driving down, etc., but could not reach him. I called Friday morning and he was on his way driving down. Tension arose when I asked him about where he was the night before and why didn't he check his phone or communicate with me. He got angry and felt I was unfairly giving him the second degree (this was after telling me he had gone out with a friend to a bar and lost track of time). He called back later and apologized and when he arrived in town, things seemed to be okay and start well as we picked up my stuff from my sister's and headed to the hotel.
The rehearsal and dinner that evening all flowed well and I felt fairly close to him, although there was a moment during dinner where he talked about my sister and feeling like he wanted to "take care of her" and like she had a lot on her mind or something, which didn't sit well with me. Perhaps I was feeling some distance between us and this added to the insecurity that already comes up for me around my family. He did not understand my feelings and thought I was being weird.
Later, some of us went over to the hotel bar and at that point I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I am no longer a big party person, though in the past (college and a few years past - including the time when I was first with him) I was right there with the most hard core of them all. He was definitely in the swing of the party, and I felt he was more tuned into drinking than to me.
We did have a wonderful moment where we found a piano and he played, while I dance to the music. Wonderful. And others noticed and thought it was cool. But when we came back to the bar area, the core group had left to go to a bar and it felt to me like we had "missed the wave." I was kind of done truthfully and wanted to just let the night end there, but R was still energized and ready to go.
We went back to the room and I collapsed on the bed (relevant information: I recently started taking an anti-depressant for PMDD and this exaggerates some effects of alcohol). He was on a roll and quickly changed his clothes to go out and join them. I did not like this. It felt strange that he has just met these people and had said he was coming for the wedding to be there for me, yet he was going to leave me and join the others. He left but came back not long after, bringing me a diet pepsi and seeming somewhat contrite.
The next morning, I was feeling some residual funkiness from the night before and tried to talk about it with him over breakfast, but he got really irritated and was hinting that he had doubts about our compatibility, which of course I asked him directly about as is my way. He said yeah, maybe so or something, which sent me into upset and crying. This all seems so silly and dramatic describing it by the way. . .
Anyway, the day progressed, tea bags on the eyes, retraction of what he said, dressing, beautiful wedding ceremony and then reception. During the reception, I noticed he was tracking my sister around the room with his eyes and smiling a little, which triggered my insecurity (my sister is 7 years younger, thinner, the favorite of my parents). I prefaced things with saying I was worried he would be mad and that I just needed reassurance, my own insecurity, etc., and directly communicated my feelings, again, as is my way. He got really mad and said something like "leave me alone," so I left our table and went and hung out, ironically, with my sister and my niece. A while later, I came back and we made up and he admitted he could have made the choice just to reassure me, he just didn't understand my feelings or whatever. We went on to have a really fabulous time dancing together.
The rest of the reception went well but somehow - and I admit that I am part of this decision as my cousins were pressuring me to stay - we ended up with the late night crowd. We actually were fairly connected during all this but I definitely had some judgment around his drinking and also lack of content or depth to our conversations. . . anyway, things went okay until the next morning when he got mad again when I tried to tell him that I didn't feel comfortable with something. When I looked back on things, it was like he developed a hair trigger and just immediately felt irritated whenever I brought up any feelings. It sucked.
We went to the brunch at my parents, visited my grandparents (which was great and really wonderful he came with me for that - meant a lot to me and my grandmother who is suffering from dementia), then drove up to Washington. The drive was fairly disconnected, to say the least.
The next day, he went to work early and when he got back, after shopping, we "checked in," and he told me again that he did not think it was going to work. Really? After a crazy family wedding weekend, filled with emotion and drinking? You are going to make that kind of big picture judgment NOW? I was clearly extremely upset and shocked, though maybe I should not have been looking back at the weekend. . . to be continued.
Sipping wine and, I'm sad to say, smoking a few cigarettes this afternoon (I am prone to do this occasionally at times of emotional stress).
The wedding was lovely. Everything came together as far as my dress, my toast, my poem reading, and standing up - proudly - for my brother. The wedding activities and wedding came off beautifully, without any major difficulties. It felt so good to be there for my brother at the rehearsal and just prior to the ceremony and hear his thoughts, give him some sisterly advice to be in the moment, drink water, etc. I love my brother so much and hope he is incredibly happy with his new bride.
The situation with R on the other hand. . . well, let's say it did NOT unfold as hoped or planned.
The night prior to him driving down for the weekend from Washington, after I had already arrived in Oregon, he dropped out of communication. I tried to text and call but no R. I wanted to figure out some plans for the next day, confirm when he was driving down, etc., but could not reach him. I called Friday morning and he was on his way driving down. Tension arose when I asked him about where he was the night before and why didn't he check his phone or communicate with me. He got angry and felt I was unfairly giving him the second degree (this was after telling me he had gone out with a friend to a bar and lost track of time). He called back later and apologized and when he arrived in town, things seemed to be okay and start well as we picked up my stuff from my sister's and headed to the hotel.
The rehearsal and dinner that evening all flowed well and I felt fairly close to him, although there was a moment during dinner where he talked about my sister and feeling like he wanted to "take care of her" and like she had a lot on her mind or something, which didn't sit well with me. Perhaps I was feeling some distance between us and this added to the insecurity that already comes up for me around my family. He did not understand my feelings and thought I was being weird.
Later, some of us went over to the hotel bar and at that point I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I am no longer a big party person, though in the past (college and a few years past - including the time when I was first with him) I was right there with the most hard core of them all. He was definitely in the swing of the party, and I felt he was more tuned into drinking than to me.
We did have a wonderful moment where we found a piano and he played, while I dance to the music. Wonderful. And others noticed and thought it was cool. But when we came back to the bar area, the core group had left to go to a bar and it felt to me like we had "missed the wave." I was kind of done truthfully and wanted to just let the night end there, but R was still energized and ready to go.
We went back to the room and I collapsed on the bed (relevant information: I recently started taking an anti-depressant for PMDD and this exaggerates some effects of alcohol). He was on a roll and quickly changed his clothes to go out and join them. I did not like this. It felt strange that he has just met these people and had said he was coming for the wedding to be there for me, yet he was going to leave me and join the others. He left but came back not long after, bringing me a diet pepsi and seeming somewhat contrite.
The next morning, I was feeling some residual funkiness from the night before and tried to talk about it with him over breakfast, but he got really irritated and was hinting that he had doubts about our compatibility, which of course I asked him directly about as is my way. He said yeah, maybe so or something, which sent me into upset and crying. This all seems so silly and dramatic describing it by the way. . .
Anyway, the day progressed, tea bags on the eyes, retraction of what he said, dressing, beautiful wedding ceremony and then reception. During the reception, I noticed he was tracking my sister around the room with his eyes and smiling a little, which triggered my insecurity (my sister is 7 years younger, thinner, the favorite of my parents). I prefaced things with saying I was worried he would be mad and that I just needed reassurance, my own insecurity, etc., and directly communicated my feelings, again, as is my way. He got really mad and said something like "leave me alone," so I left our table and went and hung out, ironically, with my sister and my niece. A while later, I came back and we made up and he admitted he could have made the choice just to reassure me, he just didn't understand my feelings or whatever. We went on to have a really fabulous time dancing together.
The rest of the reception went well but somehow - and I admit that I am part of this decision as my cousins were pressuring me to stay - we ended up with the late night crowd. We actually were fairly connected during all this but I definitely had some judgment around his drinking and also lack of content or depth to our conversations. . . anyway, things went okay until the next morning when he got mad again when I tried to tell him that I didn't feel comfortable with something. When I looked back on things, it was like he developed a hair trigger and just immediately felt irritated whenever I brought up any feelings. It sucked.
We went to the brunch at my parents, visited my grandparents (which was great and really wonderful he came with me for that - meant a lot to me and my grandmother who is suffering from dementia), then drove up to Washington. The drive was fairly disconnected, to say the least.
The next day, he went to work early and when he got back, after shopping, we "checked in," and he told me again that he did not think it was going to work. Really? After a crazy family wedding weekend, filled with emotion and drinking? You are going to make that kind of big picture judgment NOW? I was clearly extremely upset and shocked, though maybe I should not have been looking back at the weekend. . . to be continued.
3/13/2011
Heart vs. Head
Update from Limboland, the land of uncertain futures. I realized today that my heart has made a decision it wants to move up to be with R in Washington, but my head is thinking, "That is way too fast, are you crazy girlfriend?!"
I am feeling some vulnerability and fear around the situation tonight. I know that I love R. We have been talking a couple hours almost every day. He makes me laugh, we talk in depth about everything, he gets me and vice versa.
But I still don't know whether we can align our intentions around having children and also, I sometimes feel like we are on different wavelengths regarding spirituality and personal growth. He definitely is not as passionate about approaching these topics in structured ways, such as through books, articles, classes, etc.
He's been willing to try Interplay Theatre with me at home and we did a breathing meditation together today. He read an article on relationships that I sent him. He says he is open to learning and growing, but that it may happen in small increments over time and he's asked me if I can be patient. Of course I said yes, but I admit that it is challenging sometimes to always be the leader in these areas. Ideally, he would engage and initiate more, show more enthusiasm.
Overall, though, our conversations are fun and flow freely. I can be myself. It may sound a little insane, but there is a sense that we belong together.
The latter I may go ahead and do tomorrow if I can reach her in the morning, but honestly I am feeling torn about it. It's for the job with the homeless shelter, one I'm less than confident about, but also my energy wants to focus on being with R and finding a job up there (can energy "want" something? anyway. . .).
What should I do? I have applied for a few jobs up there already, just to hopefully create options, but haven't gotten any callbacks yet. R has made it clear he wants me up there with him, though his head sometimes comes up with questions, as well.
I don't know how much longer I can feel torn between my heart and head like this. . . hopefully this trip will help me bring them both in line.
3/08/2011
Wedding Prep and 7-11 Run or "Just Breathe"
My brother's wedding is in 11 days and I am NOT ready for it. The dress I ordered at the end of January has still not arrived, and when I finally got ahold of someone at the online store yesterday they informed me that it was highly unlikely it would arrive prior to my departure date next Wednesday.
Aaargh! Then why did your system let me place the order with an event date for which you could not deliver? She said she would pass on the information to a manager and they would get back to me, but I'm not holding my breath.
The good news is that since I am the only "groomswoman," I could wear something slightly different and it wouldn't make that much of an impact; and I know my brother doesn't really care because he told me so. I have already contacted local reps at Nord.strom who are researching alternative strapless black bridesmaid-type dresses. Wish me luck!
In addition, I feel as one of the sister's of the groom I should make at least one speech. . .something I want to do because I love my brother, but which also makes me nervous! I haven't thought anything through yet and need to focus on this task asap, as well as rehearsing for a (shortened) poem reading I will deliver during the ceremony.
My brother's fiance chose the poem by Sandol Stoddard Warburg, the several-stanza longer version can be found here (she cut the throwing up and broken arm part for some reason). What do you think? My brother likens it to a children's book, and I can see why. I've heard it before and actually like it, though it's longer than I would prefer. To feel comfortable, I'm thinking I should read it through at least 25 times, which averages 2+ times per day until the wedding. Message to self: "Get on it, Kristina!!!"
R's presence at the wedding will be a stabilizing and comforting thing for me. He is now coming Friday and will attend the rehearsal dinner, as well as the wedding.
He will meet my family (and distract me from potential sadness around my father). He will stand by me, sit next to me, and dance with me. He will be MY date, my partner throughout the weekend events, which will significantly enrich my experience and increase the fun. My sister's wedding sort of sucked for me in many ways due to the absence of said partner - but that is another story.
Obviously, this is my brother's special day, and my focus will be on being there for him in any way I can. I actually hope and believe that R will help me do a better job in that role.
Maybe due to the wedding or maybe due to the possibilities floating around out there of significant life change on the horizon, my anxiety level has been fairly high the last couple of days. My spontaneous trip to 7-11 and the fiery Chex Mix and Skor bar I consumed lend evidence to this fact! I am actually looking forward to going running today so expel some of that excess energy.
And I realized yesterday that I can choose to release control over how a situation or conversation unfolds and just focus on breathing and staying open. It felt good to succeed in achieving that goal.
3/03/2011
The Adventure Continues
I have not felt like posting for some reason. I think my mind has been consumed with processing R's visit and continuing to talk to him about our time together and about our potential looking into the future. Also, he decided to come to my brother's wedding - yay! - so we have been making plans for that weekend.
Overall, the visit went very well, especially considering we hadn't seen each other in 15 years and basically lived together for several days. I have been spending most of my time lately alone so it's quite a shift to be together with someone 24/7! Can anyone else relate to this?
We laughed a lot, had many talks, went out to eat a couple of times, made meals and danced together, walked in the neighborhood, and even laid out on the deck in the sun during a couple of sunny days. I was pleasantly surprised at the ease I found sleeping with him. In the past, sleeping in the same bed with people has tended to be extremely challenging, waking up frequently, feeling a lot of tension and alertness and sometimes even moving out to the couch. With R, I did wake up a couple times each night but generally felt very comfortable and enjoyed the experience. And we actually did not immediately become intimate but went through what felt like a getting reacquainted period and took things a step at a time.
The major conversation about "having a child" came up midway into the trip. It was good and bad. At first, it seemed he was clear he did not want another child. He has had a vasectomy. He talked about his other kids being older now and being in a difference place. We lamented about what different lives we have led up to this point.
But eventually we talked things through to a place where we found a light in the idea of adoption. He is open to this. I am open to this. There is hope in that place. I was very clear that I need to be a mother in some way, that I need to fulfill my longing for motherhood and all that role entails. He knows the biological desire hasn't gone away, and I'm sure we will talk again if we come to the place of committing to being together. But for now we both want to continue to get to know each other and are choosing to trust that we can work it out and consider each other's needs equal to our own.
One difference that did make itself known as the trip progressed was our different "engagement" or consistent connection needs. He shared that he had not communicated a lot with his previous girlfriend - that they had started out that way but it had waned. So maybe that is an adjustment factor for him. . .also, I know that in past relationships I have noticed an anxiety come up in me at times that manifests in an agitation or nervous provocation of the person. It's hard to describe, but I think it's challenging for me to completely relax in another person's presence at times. It's easier if I am involved in an activity myself or with them or if we are in some way physically connected/touching. I'm sure it has to do with my dad who was so in his own bubble a lot of the time.
Anyway, this came up a bit with R and we talked about it. Had some positive insights about how helpful it is when I communicate how I'm feeling when it comes up versus letting it build (love that he encourages me to communicate in this way), how important my own "soulful" activities such as dance and InterPlay are to maintain, and how I want us to share a spiritual practice, which I am researching for us to try out later this month. Lots of stuff! Compacted into a few days.
I am appreciating how we are processing things on the phone since he left and continuing to grow closer. We say we love each other now. We are talking more about me moving up there, though we have not made that decision and are waiting until after this next trip. I can see how this all might sound completely insane in terms of timeline, but we did have a couple years together before and all that feeling and more is coming back. We both seem to be increasingly excited about each other and the possibility of being together. So we will see.
The next step is the wedding on the 19th during which he will meet my family for the first time. Then, I head up to Tacoma to stay at his place for a week and meet his children, brothers, and father (his mother passed away last year). He will be working four days, which I actually think is a good thing, allowing us to experience a more normal way of being together.
Looking forward to our continued adventure. . . freaking out just a little bit.
Overall, the visit went very well, especially considering we hadn't seen each other in 15 years and basically lived together for several days. I have been spending most of my time lately alone so it's quite a shift to be together with someone 24/7! Can anyone else relate to this?
We laughed a lot, had many talks, went out to eat a couple of times, made meals and danced together, walked in the neighborhood, and even laid out on the deck in the sun during a couple of sunny days. I was pleasantly surprised at the ease I found sleeping with him. In the past, sleeping in the same bed with people has tended to be extremely challenging, waking up frequently, feeling a lot of tension and alertness and sometimes even moving out to the couch. With R, I did wake up a couple times each night but generally felt very comfortable and enjoyed the experience. And we actually did not immediately become intimate but went through what felt like a getting reacquainted period and took things a step at a time.
The major conversation about "having a child" came up midway into the trip. It was good and bad. At first, it seemed he was clear he did not want another child. He has had a vasectomy. He talked about his other kids being older now and being in a difference place. We lamented about what different lives we have led up to this point.
But eventually we talked things through to a place where we found a light in the idea of adoption. He is open to this. I am open to this. There is hope in that place. I was very clear that I need to be a mother in some way, that I need to fulfill my longing for motherhood and all that role entails. He knows the biological desire hasn't gone away, and I'm sure we will talk again if we come to the place of committing to being together. But for now we both want to continue to get to know each other and are choosing to trust that we can work it out and consider each other's needs equal to our own.
One difference that did make itself known as the trip progressed was our different "engagement" or consistent connection needs. He shared that he had not communicated a lot with his previous girlfriend - that they had started out that way but it had waned. So maybe that is an adjustment factor for him. . .also, I know that in past relationships I have noticed an anxiety come up in me at times that manifests in an agitation or nervous provocation of the person. It's hard to describe, but I think it's challenging for me to completely relax in another person's presence at times. It's easier if I am involved in an activity myself or with them or if we are in some way physically connected/touching. I'm sure it has to do with my dad who was so in his own bubble a lot of the time.
Anyway, this came up a bit with R and we talked about it. Had some positive insights about how helpful it is when I communicate how I'm feeling when it comes up versus letting it build (love that he encourages me to communicate in this way), how important my own "soulful" activities such as dance and InterPlay are to maintain, and how I want us to share a spiritual practice, which I am researching for us to try out later this month. Lots of stuff! Compacted into a few days.
I am appreciating how we are processing things on the phone since he left and continuing to grow closer. We say we love each other now. We are talking more about me moving up there, though we have not made that decision and are waiting until after this next trip. I can see how this all might sound completely insane in terms of timeline, but we did have a couple years together before and all that feeling and more is coming back. We both seem to be increasingly excited about each other and the possibility of being together. So we will see.
The next step is the wedding on the 19th during which he will meet my family for the first time. Then, I head up to Tacoma to stay at his place for a week and meet his children, brothers, and father (his mother passed away last year). He will be working four days, which I actually think is a good thing, allowing us to experience a more normal way of being together.
Looking forward to our continued adventure. . . freaking out just a little bit.
2/23/2011
Impending Arrival
Today is the day. R arrives at 7:30 this evening. I feel like this blog has become very focused on this situation but honestly it's the main thing on my mind lately!
My hopes for this visit include: noticing how it feels to be around one another now; exploring past and present experiences more fully in-person; discovering whether we have any potential for a future with one another-similar goals and enough in common etc.; and having fun! I feel excited.
The common goal most in question came up a couple days ago. I had mentioned there was a big topic I wanted to talk about when he was here and of course, as anyone including me would do, he started thinking a lot about it and guessed correctly. I felt really vulnerable, even though he did not react badly, just said he thought we should talk about it in person and that he had some things to say about it.
The next morning we talked on the phone, and I was surprised at a wave of sadness that came over me. We talked about it and at first I blurted out that if he didn't want to come that was okay, we could take a huge step back, that I didn't feel good about talking about it and it was too early but partly I brought it up because of some of the serious things he had said so it was his fault too. Yeah, did I mention I was feeling vulnerable? sheesh!
He was cute and asked, "You don't want me to come?" in a sad way. I admitted it was a reaction to thinking of HIS reaction and that he might be freaking out. He said no he wasn't and encouraged me to talk to him if I have these thoughts instead of letting them build and that we should have a rule that we have to do that. Cute. I felt happy and warm to hear this and we got of the phone in a good place, refocused on the visit seeing how things are between us. So anyway, I am looking forward to his arrival and will let you all know how things go.
In other, less compelling news, I went to my Interplay Theatre class last night and had a fabulous time. Big group of people, many different exercises and partner matches. Lots of movement and movement paired with short story telling. My body and soul feel happier when I leave.
Also, I am going running for the seventh time (yes I am counting) this afternoon. Thanks again to R and my brother's wedding providing motivational energy. I can't tell a huge difference yet but I do feel more toned, which will hopefully translate into a bit more confidence for the big meeting tonight!
My hopes for this visit include: noticing how it feels to be around one another now; exploring past and present experiences more fully in-person; discovering whether we have any potential for a future with one another-similar goals and enough in common etc.; and having fun! I feel excited.
The common goal most in question came up a couple days ago. I had mentioned there was a big topic I wanted to talk about when he was here and of course, as anyone including me would do, he started thinking a lot about it and guessed correctly. I felt really vulnerable, even though he did not react badly, just said he thought we should talk about it in person and that he had some things to say about it.
The next morning we talked on the phone, and I was surprised at a wave of sadness that came over me. We talked about it and at first I blurted out that if he didn't want to come that was okay, we could take a huge step back, that I didn't feel good about talking about it and it was too early but partly I brought it up because of some of the serious things he had said so it was his fault too. Yeah, did I mention I was feeling vulnerable? sheesh!
He was cute and asked, "You don't want me to come?" in a sad way. I admitted it was a reaction to thinking of HIS reaction and that he might be freaking out. He said no he wasn't and encouraged me to talk to him if I have these thoughts instead of letting them build and that we should have a rule that we have to do that. Cute. I felt happy and warm to hear this and we got of the phone in a good place, refocused on the visit seeing how things are between us. So anyway, I am looking forward to his arrival and will let you all know how things go.
In other, less compelling news, I went to my Interplay Theatre class last night and had a fabulous time. Big group of people, many different exercises and partner matches. Lots of movement and movement paired with short story telling. My body and soul feel happier when I leave.
Also, I am going running for the seventh time (yes I am counting) this afternoon. Thanks again to R and my brother's wedding providing motivational energy. I can't tell a huge difference yet but I do feel more toned, which will hopefully translate into a bit more confidence for the big meeting tonight!
2/18/2011
Like Frankie said, "I did it my way."
This song from my authentic life soundtrack has been running through my head the past couple of days, so I thought I would share the magic. Okay, so it's not an especially deep or complex song, but for whatever reason I feel strong and kind of badass when I hear it.
Five more days until R arrives. He will be here from Wednesday evening until Monday morning. I feel like I can be myself with him and he accepts me (even my PMS, edgy side!), which makes me happy. I decided I am not going to ask him directly if he is open to having another child (he has three already) until he is here with me. I have a sense he will be open but time will tell. Will post again soon about recent developments. . .
Five more days until R arrives. He will be here from Wednesday evening until Monday morning. I feel like I can be myself with him and he accepts me (even my PMS, edgy side!), which makes me happy. I decided I am not going to ask him directly if he is open to having another child (he has three already) until he is here with me. I have a sense he will be open but time will tell. Will post again soon about recent developments. . .
2/16/2011
Bullets and Blue Sky
I think I will indulge in my first "bulleted list" post, as that is my mood. A few updates:
That's all the excitement for now. That and we just had a huge hailstorm, leading to sun and blue sky. Hoping that this week does not drag on and on and on. . .
- Valentine's Day was pleasant and relatively uneventful. Went on a walk, then ate pizza with my platonic male housemate, watched some TV, then talked to R until 1a.m. Really fun and relaxed conversation, which left me feeling closer to him.
- One other Valentine's activity: making cut out Valentine for my Interplay theatre teacher. I let my inner child come out and play and had a fabulous time with the decorative paper, fancy scissors, and glue stick. Yay! Need to do this more often. Had everyone in class sign it last night and delivered to her at closing circle. She said she hadn't gotten a Valentine in a long time, which made it all the more fun.
- Conversations between R and I have definitely shifted from majority processing to majority getting to know each other and sharing feelings. In one conversation when I suggested we share our intentions for the visit, he busted out with, "Well, I hope that everything goes well and we end up finding a way to be together." or something like that. Intense! One the one hand, I like knowing he wants that outcome, and on the other hand it's a little scary. Over time, I have come to mistrust immediate intensity (and he is part of that mistrust!), so even though we have years of previous history, I am really trying to keep to the "one step at a time" approach. But I can't deny that feelings are growing on both sides the more we talk.
- His visit has fueled my motivation to get in better shape. I would like to lose 15-20 pounds. Do you think this is possible in two weeks? haha But I figure I can make a bit of headway and feel a little more toned. So I have been doing sit-ups and stretching every day and went running for the fourth time yesterday. I already feel a difference, though a girl at my Sunday dance group said she couldn't see any change. :(
- Received relief-giving news yesterday when I FINALLY got ahold of the Employment Development Department and a lovely man informed me I am eligible for unemployment extensions until July, at which point I need to reapply. . .and would then likely receive continuing benefits. Now believe me, unemployment compensation is not cushy income (I don't think it should be), and I am barely getting by. I definitely intend to find a new job asap, both for the purpose of feeling productive and purposeful and for the more adequate income/health benefits, but it is a relief to know my safety net will not give way when this extension ends in a couple of weeks.
That's all the excitement for now. That and we just had a huge hailstorm, leading to sun and blue sky. Hoping that this week does not drag on and on and on. . .
2/10/2011
Guess Who's Coming to Visit?
Guess who is coming to visit in two weeks? Yep, it's R. I was planning on visiting him after my brother's wedding at the end of March, but as we have continued to talk just about every day, we decided that waiting a month and a half felt like too long.
I am definitely not ready to open up to dating him again, but I am excited to see him and continue our dialogue in person. . .excited to see what our dynamic is like now, so many years later, when we are hopefully older and wiser and are clearly more available to actually be with each other.
Our dialogue about the long ago past has continued in earnest, and likely will continue up to and through his visit. (though we are not talking only about the past but are sharing current content from our lives, as well).
It was important for me to get clear that I would have gone forward with the pregnancy if he would have been supportive and wanted to help me. I had been thinking I did not know for sure what I would have done if he had not pressured me about what he wanted me to do, but I do know what I would have done in that instance. . .and for whatever reason, that clarity feels good. I appreciated that he was able to listen and be there for me as I shared this with him.
So I actually feel somewhat complete in my dialogue with him about that for now, though I imagine more might come up when I see him.
More recently, I have tried talking with him about the roller coaster nature of our relationship: how he held all the power and how he "pulled the rug out from under me" several times versus making a decision and sticking to it.
Just as with the other issue, as I talk through my anger and hurt towards him, I see my own responsibility, or more accurately feel it at a deeper level. Because of course I know I was an adult, though I was young, and I made my own decisions. I chose to continue being with him, even when he had shown me that the risk and potential for pain was extremely high. I was definitely hooked.
I wonder if part of me was/is mad at him for dashing my belief in us as "meant to be," my romantic conviction that our love was "destiny" - a belief that he expressed as well, many times. Each time that he "pulled the rug out," it chipped away at my convictions.
The last time we got together, I was no longer working with him and had for all intents and purposes moved on. I had just started seeing another guy even. And then he began calling again, and eventually I chose to give it another try with him.
Now why I didn't insist he end his marriage first before I saw him, I cannot imagine. Still pretty stupid I guess. But he had promised he was going to and then. . . well, then he didn't. But I sort of sabotaged things too. I think that at that point, I just didn't trust him and didn't trust what we had any more, even though I wanted to. . .
I think overall, my experiences with him did make me mistrust that feeling of intense attraction and connection with someone. I know that no relationship I have had since has come close to the level of connection I felt with him. I am not naive enough to think that a relationship can be built on that feeling (in fact I spent a lot of time in a 12 Step Program that pathologized it), but, after many relationships without it, I have also come to appreciate that feeling more; to believe that it can act as glue and help people WANT to work through things/maintain intimacy.
What I don't know yet, is whether I could trust him again, and whether we have enough mental/spiritual connection to build lasting intimacy. Oh yeah, and the elephant in the room, whether he would want to have a child with me. This trip will hopefully give us a good opportunity to start those explorations.
I am definitely not ready to open up to dating him again, but I am excited to see him and continue our dialogue in person. . .excited to see what our dynamic is like now, so many years later, when we are hopefully older and wiser and are clearly more available to actually be with each other.
Our dialogue about the long ago past has continued in earnest, and likely will continue up to and through his visit. (though we are not talking only about the past but are sharing current content from our lives, as well).
It was important for me to get clear that I would have gone forward with the pregnancy if he would have been supportive and wanted to help me. I had been thinking I did not know for sure what I would have done if he had not pressured me about what he wanted me to do, but I do know what I would have done in that instance. . .and for whatever reason, that clarity feels good. I appreciated that he was able to listen and be there for me as I shared this with him.
So I actually feel somewhat complete in my dialogue with him about that for now, though I imagine more might come up when I see him.
More recently, I have tried talking with him about the roller coaster nature of our relationship: how he held all the power and how he "pulled the rug out from under me" several times versus making a decision and sticking to it.
Just as with the other issue, as I talk through my anger and hurt towards him, I see my own responsibility, or more accurately feel it at a deeper level. Because of course I know I was an adult, though I was young, and I made my own decisions. I chose to continue being with him, even when he had shown me that the risk and potential for pain was extremely high. I was definitely hooked.
I wonder if part of me was/is mad at him for dashing my belief in us as "meant to be," my romantic conviction that our love was "destiny" - a belief that he expressed as well, many times. Each time that he "pulled the rug out," it chipped away at my convictions.
The last time we got together, I was no longer working with him and had for all intents and purposes moved on. I had just started seeing another guy even. And then he began calling again, and eventually I chose to give it another try with him.
Now why I didn't insist he end his marriage first before I saw him, I cannot imagine. Still pretty stupid I guess. But he had promised he was going to and then. . . well, then he didn't. But I sort of sabotaged things too. I think that at that point, I just didn't trust him and didn't trust what we had any more, even though I wanted to. . .
I think overall, my experiences with him did make me mistrust that feeling of intense attraction and connection with someone. I know that no relationship I have had since has come close to the level of connection I felt with him. I am not naive enough to think that a relationship can be built on that feeling (in fact I spent a lot of time in a 12 Step Program that pathologized it), but, after many relationships without it, I have also come to appreciate that feeling more; to believe that it can act as glue and help people WANT to work through things/maintain intimacy.
What I don't know yet, is whether I could trust him again, and whether we have enough mental/spiritual connection to build lasting intimacy. Oh yeah, and the elephant in the room, whether he would want to have a child with me. This trip will hopefully give us a good opportunity to start those explorations.
2/06/2011
Time Waits for No Woman
I am in a "liminal space." The space between. Having left one shore but not yet reached the other.
And sometimes I am fine with that and revel in the rich abundance of time and space: to think, to explore, to research and ruminate. But other times, especially when my mind turns to conception, I just feel s-t-u-c-k. And I begin to hear the ticking. . .
As I have talked about, I am currently work-challenged, without proper employ, job searching, financially disadvantaged, etc. Unemployment offers me enough to live on, barely, until something (such as my brother's wedding in March) arises calling for greater resources. Then I enter a stressed state of pulling from here, cutting from there, and trying to perform small miracles.
My groomswoman - yes I am proud to say I will be my brother's "groomswoman" - dress was about $200, the plane ticket is about $200, plus shoes/accessories and inevitable travel expenses. . .all money that I really don't have but am hoping to magically create as we go along.
Which bring me to trying to conceive. I have not been talking about that topic much yet on this blog because I am frustratingly stuck in that arena, due to said financial limitations.
And if I think about it too much, I start to get really tense because the clock does not stop for periods of unemployment. So my strategy has been to let go, put it in the back of my mind, trust that my path will become clear in time and I am not losing my chance.
But what if I'm wrong? I turned 42 in December and even though I feel younger, statistics show my eggs may not be on the same wavelength. If you have any ideas, personal stories, reassurances, or prodding, I would welcome hearing any and all responses.
And sometimes I am fine with that and revel in the rich abundance of time and space: to think, to explore, to research and ruminate. But other times, especially when my mind turns to conception, I just feel s-t-u-c-k. And I begin to hear the ticking. . .
As I have talked about, I am currently work-challenged, without proper employ, job searching, financially disadvantaged, etc. Unemployment offers me enough to live on, barely, until something (such as my brother's wedding in March) arises calling for greater resources. Then I enter a stressed state of pulling from here, cutting from there, and trying to perform small miracles.
My groomswoman - yes I am proud to say I will be my brother's "groomswoman" - dress was about $200, the plane ticket is about $200, plus shoes/accessories and inevitable travel expenses. . .all money that I really don't have but am hoping to magically create as we go along.
Which bring me to trying to conceive. I have not been talking about that topic much yet on this blog because I am frustratingly stuck in that arena, due to said financial limitations.
And if I think about it too much, I start to get really tense because the clock does not stop for periods of unemployment. So my strategy has been to let go, put it in the back of my mind, trust that my path will become clear in time and I am not losing my chance.
But what if I'm wrong? I turned 42 in December and even though I feel younger, statistics show my eggs may not be on the same wavelength. If you have any ideas, personal stories, reassurances, or prodding, I would welcome hearing any and all responses.
2/03/2011
Work: Professional, Relational, Communal
I am sitting outside on our back deck (I live with a housemate) in the blazing sun, couldn't be more happy with our local East Bay climate right now!
I had an interview yesterday with a homeless shelter for families, mainly female head-of-household. The job would involve running the career center and providing individual career assessment and counseling, as well as other enrichment activities to build confidence, self-awareness, and life balance.
The positives: considerable creative license in terms of activities and tools, would use my strongest skills of counseling/training/creativity, and the program director seems really cool.
Negatives: my own confidence is not super high working with this population mainly because I haven't done it before (will I be competent in establishing trust and credibility?), the environment sounds like it is often crisis-driven and intense, and it doesn't sound like they have a lot of well-established structure/resources in place for career readiness/education purposes.
The interview seemed to go well overall, and she said I would hear back in a few weeks. Just getting an interview in the first place feels encouraging and I appreciate the opportunity to keep my skills sharp.
In other news, dialogue continues with R. So I guess his relationship was really on the outs. . .Since last posting he has found an apartment and plans to move later this month. He asked about my trip to Oregon for my brother's wedding the weekend of March 19th. I said I had thought about basically coming for the weekend since I was clear I didn't want to see him if he was in a relationship. Right.
But since he won't be, then the possibility of us spending time together is opened up. We both agreed that if we get together, we would like it to be for several days so that we have time to reconnect, relax, and talk through things in an unrushed way.
We have continued to have "processing" conversations, which I don't want to get into right now, but I did share more of my feelings, including that I am angry and sad with my own choices and abilities at the time. I still carry some guilt of my own.
I would love to have a spiritual leader to talk with right now and be given some sort of amends or penance to perform as a process of working through guilt and receiving forgiveness. I'm not really a religious person, though am very spiritual, but sometimes I would like more structure and guidance around these things. Anyway, just trying to stay in the moment with it all.
Friday night, we are having another meeting of my "Heart and Soul" Transition Towns Group, with whom I did the Work that Reconnects workshop. This is our second official meeting and potluck, and I look forward to connecting more with these folks - to talking about possibilities of how to build heart connections. And how to support ourselves and the larger community around transitioning to a more local/sustainable way of living.
I had an interview yesterday with a homeless shelter for families, mainly female head-of-household. The job would involve running the career center and providing individual career assessment and counseling, as well as other enrichment activities to build confidence, self-awareness, and life balance.
The positives: considerable creative license in terms of activities and tools, would use my strongest skills of counseling/training/creativity, and the program director seems really cool.
Negatives: my own confidence is not super high working with this population mainly because I haven't done it before (will I be competent in establishing trust and credibility?), the environment sounds like it is often crisis-driven and intense, and it doesn't sound like they have a lot of well-established structure/resources in place for career readiness/education purposes.
The interview seemed to go well overall, and she said I would hear back in a few weeks. Just getting an interview in the first place feels encouraging and I appreciate the opportunity to keep my skills sharp.
In other news, dialogue continues with R. So I guess his relationship was really on the outs. . .Since last posting he has found an apartment and plans to move later this month. He asked about my trip to Oregon for my brother's wedding the weekend of March 19th. I said I had thought about basically coming for the weekend since I was clear I didn't want to see him if he was in a relationship. Right.
But since he won't be, then the possibility of us spending time together is opened up. We both agreed that if we get together, we would like it to be for several days so that we have time to reconnect, relax, and talk through things in an unrushed way.
We have continued to have "processing" conversations, which I don't want to get into right now, but I did share more of my feelings, including that I am angry and sad with my own choices and abilities at the time. I still carry some guilt of my own.
I would love to have a spiritual leader to talk with right now and be given some sort of amends or penance to perform as a process of working through guilt and receiving forgiveness. I'm not really a religious person, though am very spiritual, but sometimes I would like more structure and guidance around these things. Anyway, just trying to stay in the moment with it all.
Friday night, we are having another meeting of my "Heart and Soul" Transition Towns Group, with whom I did the Work that Reconnects workshop. This is our second official meeting and potluck, and I look forward to connecting more with these folks - to talking about possibilities of how to build heart connections. And how to support ourselves and the larger community around transitioning to a more local/sustainable way of living.
1/30/2011
Limited Vision
As you can probably see, I've been struggling a bit with formatting on this blog. I like to write out a draft post in a document on my Mac, then cut and paste. But somehow during this process the font changes and no longer complies normally with blogger editing tools.
Anyway, it's a work in progress, and I'm enjoying the process of learning!
A thought today: It's so easy to judge others and separate ourselves from them and their situation. My father did that recently with regard to my life and his idea of "meaning."
I know I have done the same thing looking at my parents' choices. And I have done it in relationships, taking on an attitude of contempt versus compassion.
This song, by Ani DiFranco fills me with a sense of strength when I hear it and is a reminder that each of us is so much more than one person's necessarily limited view and judgments.
Anyway, it's a work in progress, and I'm enjoying the process of learning!
A thought today: It's so easy to judge others and separate ourselves from them and their situation. My father did that recently with regard to my life and his idea of "meaning."
I know I have done the same thing looking at my parents' choices. And I have done it in relationships, taking on an attitude of contempt versus compassion.
This song, by Ani DiFranco fills me with a sense of strength when I hear it and is a reminder that each of us is so much more than one person's necessarily limited view and judgments.
1/29/2011
Emotional Processing Continues. . .
I became clear that he is interested in becoming friends again and getting to know me now to see whether we have that heart and soul connection we felt back then. It seems that we both have thought of our time together over the years and perceived it as unique and special, especially considering that neither of us having experienced that level of connection in other relationships.
But I recognize, and I think he does too, that the circumstances back then invited intensity and impacted the parameters within which we could know each other. In a way, we don't truly know each other, at least not the more mundane everyday versions of each other. Not to mention that we have both grown and changed over the years in ways neither of us really knows at this point, if that makes sense.
I guess I'm feeling perplexed because I'm not ready to go there yet, even though part of me would like to. I still have unresolved feelings about the way the decision was made regarding the abor.tion so many years ago and the roller coaster nature of our involvement, which left me with feelings of anger and resentment.
Some of those feelings are lessening just in the conversations we have had so far and the responsibility he has taken, the acknowledgment of self-centered attitudes at the time. But another piece I need to talk to him about relates to the circumstances in which I would have probably chosen to have the child.
Some of those feelings are lessening just in the conversations we have had so far and the responsibility he has taken, the acknowledgment of self-centered attitudes at the time. But another piece I need to talk to him about relates to the circumstances in which I would have probably chosen to have the child.
I think if he would have said that he would help me and support me, I would have seriously considered it. Because - and I know this isn't "mature" or an ideal way of thinking - but at the time I likely would have thought about the fact that I was in love with him and the baby was part of him and it would have been a bond between us.
In a way, looking back, a small part of me felt like he abandoned me, like we created something together and then he pushed it away and didn’t want anything to do with it. And that felt like a rejection of being with me as well as a rejection of the pregnancy.
I want to ask him: What do you feel when you hear that? Have you felt any regrets about that decision? Why or why not? have you ever thought about what would have happened or what it would have been like if we had the baby? Why did you never even consider it? I pretty much know why but I need to hear it.
Additional perplexity = his current cohabitation with another woman. Interestingly, as I was writing this he emailed and mentioned he is moving out, so more shall be revealed on that front.
So yeah, lots of heavy stuff. But somehow I feel like working through this will help reveal my current pathway to motherhood, whatever that may turn out to be. And a very old pain in my heart may just be healed.
1/25/2011
Make Your Own Music
I have recently compiled a playlist of songs that inspire me to be more authentic and claim my own identity and my own life. This one is at the top of the list right now, and I wanted to share it with you. I will continue to share the songs in future posts.
Too Much Emotion
Feeling emotional today for a variety of reasons, I think. I am in the oh-so-lovely feminine time of moodiness (at least for me) in which every emotion seems inflated to twice it's normal size.
Then of course, the dialogue with R continues. I wrote him an email yesterday and sent it in its' unfiltered state, then woke up this morning with "email regret." I think I said things from an emotional place and in some cases they were more extreme than reality. For example, this lovely gem just popped right out:
"(I know this is COMPLETELY irrational and I don't really believe it but there's this childish wounded part of me that thinks that YOU OWE ME A BABY. I know, I know, crazy talk. But you have THREE KIDS and now you are having grandkids and I'm happy for you. but I'm sad for me. because that never happened for me (at least not yet) and I really wanted and still want it to. anyway, yes, more there.)"
Yikes! That is actually true, that this wounded part of me feels that, but did I really want to tell him that? Apparently in that moment, I did. Part of the lead up to this email was him revealing to me, which he had not done up to that point, that he is actually in a relationship right now. I knew he was living with someone but didn't think they were in a relationship.
So after I got off the phone, I texted that I was feeling some anger and sadness and wasn't clear exactly why. He encouraged me to write an email and really 'let go,' that he was there to listen, that he had a sense I had more to say. So I did (and part of the email addressed learning about his relationship and how that brought up feelings from the past and a dynamic I do not want to reexperience) but now I wonder whether filters have their purpose. . .another thing I wrote:
"Maybe part of this is anger at being in that position for so long so many years ago and your LACK OF ABILITY TO MAKE A DECISION which drove me COMPLETELY INSANE after a while. I should have gotten off the crazy roller coaster but apparently I COULDN'T MAKE THAT DECISION - I was like a pit bull when it's jaw locks or something, I couldn't let go. But I think after going through it enough times, that deep down I was PISSED OFF at you and that some of the love I had for you was crushed. and I think also that maybe I lost some respect for you or questioned your character (which was a direct reflection of my own character) and also, maybe, there was some uncertainty about us making it in the long run. maybe because there was so much pressure on it - if you LEAVE YOUR MARRIAGE for our relationship then it had better be perfect!!! you know? and I AM NOT PERFECT. AND YOU ARE NOT PERFECT. AND IT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN PERFECT (actually I don't even WANT perfect). Would it have been 'good enough' to last? would our love and attraction have had sustaining power? We are different. . ."
In looking at this now, I'm feeling embarrassed about the level of anger, but I guess there's no hiding it, I have anger about what happened. I went on to talk a little about differences and say who knows whether we would have gone the distance or not, that we had a lot of love/attraction but we would have had challenges (like any relationship does).
But I feel like in this section I was trying to explain the doubts I had when it came down to the reality that we might actually be together, that he might choose to be with me. But I don't really know (did I mention this all happened 15-20 years ago?). I have theories but at some level I'm just guessing. It may have been my fear of intimacy. It may have been resentment and lack of trust. It may have been we had gotten to know each other better and I wasn't as sure he was the one for me. Who knows?
So if I didn't really know, I guess I wish I wouldn't have put all that out there. The perfection part. . .well I'm glad that part got said. Because even now, I think he has a fantasy about me that I'm perfect or our love was ideal and clearly that's not true (though part of me idealizes what we felt for each other, as well). And I need to accept him for who he really is, warts and all. Whether we remain in contact or not, I think this is a good thing to do.
So PMS, all kinds of feelings around wrestling with the past with this man who really had a huge impact on my life. . . and then the final thing adding to my emotion today (like that wouldn't be enough haha) is a post I read this morning about a fellow blogger's process of wrestling with her own feelings about God and the idea of people being blessed or chosen to have a child.
I have much compassion and understanding for her feelings, but one thing she said felt like a needle poking a wound. She said the phrase "women who choose to abor.t" or something like that. More than once. And whether it was true or projected on my part, I felt some judgment in the way it was communicated. :( ack
I have shared how much I've wrestled with this decision over the years and continue to do so even in this very moment. And this felt awful to read right now.
I have much compassion and understanding for her feelings, but one thing she said felt like a needle poking a wound. She said the phrase "women who choose to abor.t" or something like that. More than once. And whether it was true or projected on my part, I felt some judgment in the way it was communicated. :( ack
I have shared how much I've wrestled with this decision over the years and continue to do so even in this very moment. And this felt awful to read right now.
But I know I'm overly sensitive at this point so I am going to try and accept and love myself, accept and love this person, and accept, love (and forgive, which is the ultimate goal) R, for whom I continue to feel much gratitude for engaging in this dialogue in the first place.
1/21/2011
Gift from the Past
I am checking in to say that I had the craziest experience the last couple days in which the man who was probably the most formative early relationship of my life, contacted me on Link.ed In and ended up calling me this morning for an hour and a half phone call. I am still in some disbelief. . .
A little back story: I'm not proud of the fact that he was married when we were together. My only excuse is that I was 23 and naive enough to believe that if you felt the intense feelings we felt for one another, then it was destined, it was "meant to be." I fell head over heels and stayed there for a couple of intense years. . .
Regardless of the dysfunction and uncertainty, not to mention the ethical issues, I realized today that my relationship with him was the only one in which I was completely unrestrained in my love - very risky, but I was definitely not one foot out the door, which can't be said for many of my other relationships since then.
The true kicker in the story though, considering that I am now so very much wanting to be a mother, is that I became pregnant with him very early on and had an abor.tion, a fact that has troubled me deeply off and on ever since. I believe in choice for women, yet based on my experience I truly believe in counseling about the potential emotional impacts of the decision.
In any case, when I found out I was pregnant, this man who I'll call "R" immediately began advocating to end it and made very clear this was the only choice he would consider.
For my part, I was so in love with him and I would say disconnected from my self, I couldn't imagine going against what he wanted and risk losing him. I wish I would have been a stronger person. I wish I would have had the guts to say, "You know what, I am not sure what I want, but I'm going to take some time to think about it. And it is MY decision." But I wasn't and I didn't.
So, basically I've had some complicated grief around that decision and when R contacted me, I knew that I wanted to talk to him about it. So that's what we did this morning. Along with talking about a lot of other things that happened back then and catching up on our lives since (he and his wife divorced several years ago), we got a good start on what is a long overdue emotional dialogue.
And you know what? He was there. He was not defensive, was completely supportive, and agreed that he was selfish and acting on his own interest. He apologized. He said he has thought a lot about it and felt badly. And whatever happens from here, that is a true gift.
A little back story: I'm not proud of the fact that he was married when we were together. My only excuse is that I was 23 and naive enough to believe that if you felt the intense feelings we felt for one another, then it was destined, it was "meant to be." I fell head over heels and stayed there for a couple of intense years. . .
Regardless of the dysfunction and uncertainty, not to mention the ethical issues, I realized today that my relationship with him was the only one in which I was completely unrestrained in my love - very risky, but I was definitely not one foot out the door, which can't be said for many of my other relationships since then.
The true kicker in the story though, considering that I am now so very much wanting to be a mother, is that I became pregnant with him very early on and had an abor.tion, a fact that has troubled me deeply off and on ever since. I believe in choice for women, yet based on my experience I truly believe in counseling about the potential emotional impacts of the decision.
In any case, when I found out I was pregnant, this man who I'll call "R" immediately began advocating to end it and made very clear this was the only choice he would consider.
For my part, I was so in love with him and I would say disconnected from my self, I couldn't imagine going against what he wanted and risk losing him. I wish I would have been a stronger person. I wish I would have had the guts to say, "You know what, I am not sure what I want, but I'm going to take some time to think about it. And it is MY decision." But I wasn't and I didn't.
So, basically I've had some complicated grief around that decision and when R contacted me, I knew that I wanted to talk to him about it. So that's what we did this morning. Along with talking about a lot of other things that happened back then and catching up on our lives since (he and his wife divorced several years ago), we got a good start on what is a long overdue emotional dialogue.
And you know what? He was there. He was not defensive, was completely supportive, and agreed that he was selfish and acting on his own interest. He apologized. He said he has thought a lot about it and felt badly. And whatever happens from here, that is a true gift.
1/17/2011
Work that Reconnects
I attended a workshop on Saturday called, "The Work that Reconnects," created by Joanna Macy. http://www.joannamacy.net/theworkthatreconnects/goals.html
My recent meeting with the local Transition Towns (TT) "Heart and Soul" group in Albany led me to this workshop, and I left feeling excited about potential of these exercises to empower and build local community. On a personal level, I feel excited about working with these people toward TT goals and that this collaboration might be really fun and fulfilling!
A little more about my experience: The exercises were really deep and engaging and led us into asking deep questions of one another. It was amazing to me what was revealed in such a short time in some of the partner activities, leaving you feeling like you really got a sense of who the person is, of their fundamental life experiences and what shapes them.
Some of the dialogue questions included asking about the person who most gave you a sense of your own worth, about a significant place from your childhood, what you love about nature/earth, and your feelings about what is happening now with the earth and other things - all very rich.
In one of the following exercises, we created a "Truth Mandala" with four corners: leaves representing grief, a bowl for emptiness, a sturdy stick for anger, and a stone for fear. We took turns visiting the corners and speaking to one or more of these emotions. I felt honored and amazed to witness others’ emotional expression, which I experienced as authentic, truthful, and without embellishment or prettying up.
I shared about grief about the current work situation in world: how limited it is and how people are expected to fit into little boxes/niches and are not nurtured and guided to express their true essence/gifts. How wounding shallow judgments can be, such as the judgment that not enough status or money=a meaningless life etc.
The grief started on a personal level stemming from recent conversations with my father and the subsequent emotional shift I've already talked about to fully claim my life and my own identity. . .but also expanded out to recognize the way our system fails so many people, fails to value and capture everyone's gifts, all of which are needed as we evolve to become a stronger, more sustainable (and humane) community/society. I felt safe to let go and openly express those things.
The final exercise we did was in triads, in which each group rotated roles with one person representing themselves and sharing their intention going forward, then alternately expressing their "voice of doubt". The second person spoke from the role of the first person's ancestor, and the third person spoke to them from the voice of a "future being".
Through this exercise, I was reassured that my gifts (counseling, training, creativity) are very much needed and was told the pill to relieve constipated creative expression is FAITH in my gifts. I need to nurture and water the seeds so they can continue to grow. The future being told me that a combination of my gifts is key and that they will be useful, especially counseling, in coming times.
Later, one of my group members, Eva, offered an idea that had really worked for her cousin about volunteering leading to a perfect wonderful job for them and also a networking opportunity with her son who teaches theatre at Berkeley high school. She said he’s gone in the schools and done some social change/socially relevant plays and explorative curriculum with the students, which sounds cool.
You never know where networking may lead. They invited me to a showing of the film, "The Economics of happiness," at their house, which I’m interested in attending and will likely have a chance to talk with their son then.
A last point: I am grateful for the facilitator, Anne, and the way she utilized her own relevant life stories and shared from her heart. She really created a sense of safety for the group.
*Side note: Synergistically, in sharing about this workshop with some ecstatic dance friends on Sunday, I think I may have found a volunteer opportunity providing career counseling services for parolees through a county mental health organization!
1/10/2011
Active versus Passive Part II
To finish my summary introduction about the journey that brought me to this blog and what I intend this blog to be about (which may change): I left off at the juncture of losing my Bay Area job a few months ago just as I was about to get insurance and begin ttc (trying to conceive) again. Since that point, I have spent time evaluating my career strategy and focus and getting more clear about what I want in my next job and work environment (a better fit for my strengths of counseling/training/creativity, as well as greater transparency, progressive consciousness, and supportive work culture - see 4.0 Career, while ttc has taken a back seat, AGAIN. . .
. . .though I did spend a couple of months exploring a co-parenting possibility with a local man. He was attractive, gay, responsible, caring, practiced sports medicine at a local college, all good on paper and yet. . .when we spent time together and talked in greater depth about who we were and what we wanted, it became clear that our personalities/values/vision were too disparate. The nail in the coffin was the fact that he wanted EXACTLY equal time sharing of the child from DAY 1 (as in newborn), which meant we would need to live together and I was very clear that did not sound appealing.
I would still love to find a co-parent, actually, but through this experience have learned what it would take (for me: someone caring and responsible but also easy going and flexible, wants active parenting but not hung up or needing control over exact percentages, etc. and the key point being compatible personalities), and frankly I am not optimistic I will ever find that situation. Almost as hard as finding a great ROMANTIC relationship! lol
Which brings me to now and this blog and beginning to share my journey. I want to make mention of the title, "It's MY LIFE," which has to do with authenticity in the world and creating my own life, even when where I feel called to go diverges from family and mainstream approval and expectations. Part of the impetus for this blog ironically came from my father. When I went back to Oregon for Christmas, my father and I had another exchange which was particularly devastating for me (must learn not to go to stone for water) but which I'm beginning to see as a catalyst for a final shift in accepting who I really am and following my heart and soul.
What do I hope will happen from here? My goals now include finishing my current round of "great fit" organization research, then contacting them for meetings/interviews or applying as appropriate, as well as continuing to search and apply for posted positions. Continuing to date (will explore this in another post), build and contribute to local grassroots community organizing/change (another post), and pray my fertility holds out until I can start ttc again!
I look forward to hearing from you about these topics, as well.
1/09/2011
Active versus Passive
Well, I have really enjoyed following many blogs over this past year or more - mainly on the topic of becoming a single mother by choice, but also infertility, trying to conceive, parenting, and some other more generally insightful blogs. It's been really wonderful and engaging, actually, following others' journeys - commenting when I felt called - but mainly passively reading along as they shared their insights, feelings, accomplishments. Cheering them on from the sidelines, waiting with them in suspense, or grieving when things went awry.
But I guess I feel like it's time for me to jump in the game and take a more active role in the blogging world. When you find yourself checking your favorite blogs over and over and saying out loud, "Come ON people, post something!" it might be indicate the need for action. I want to share my own journey and maybe others' will relate to my posts (and I hope share their thoughts), as I have related to so many folks, but regardless, I know this will help me to track the steps I take and to have record of my own insights, feelings, and accomplishments.
I guess I will share a little about my journey and what I THINK this blog will be about. . .I just turned 42. I always envisioned that I would get married and become a mother someday - probably in my late 20s. Weeell, that hasn't happened yet. I had a few solid, significant relationships but for a variety of reasons I struggled to maintain any of them over a year or two. A 12-step-program (relationship focused) and another rocky relationship later, I was in my mid-30's and starting to consider the possibility of getting pregnant on my own.
As so many women I know in the blogosphere did, I researched and read and joined listservs and thought a lot about my dreams and what I could and couldn't sacrifice, what I was capable of handling, what steps I was willing to take. I was encouraged by reading about others' courageous stories. I tried a couple more forays into the dating world, which were short-lived and overly focused on their capacity and interest in fatherhood (I realize now that no one wants to be seen through baby-colored glasses, versus as an individual, which is all I could seem to manage). And finally, I took the plunge and got the tests, started temping, saw an ob-gyn, went through the intensive process of choosing a donor (unlike many people, I found that process challenging but FUN - I actually got to choose! felt like I had some control where I had felt very little in the past), and then had two back to back IUIs, neither of which worked.
As anyone who has been through this knows, this can be a real emotional roller coaster. so financially and emotionally I needed to take a break and I had another short-lived relationship, as well, before returning to the process the following year and having another two back-to-back IUIs (medicated with Femara), this time with a different donor, neither of which, again, worked. Devastating.
Then shortly after, in mid-2009, the organization I was working for lost funding and closed, leaving me without a job. When I found another one at the beginning of 2010 and moved to the Bay Area, they didn't offer insurance for six months. Just when I reached the six month mark and I was about to start ttc again, due to personality differences (and a bit of a set-up) with my supervisor, in addition to it not being a great fit for me, that job fell through.
This is becoming what feels like a novel! I didn't know I had so much to say. I will continue this later in installment 2. If you have read this, welcome! I plan to share about living authentically through career and community, as well!
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