A New/Old Idea

Happy Friday!  The corner has definitely been turned heading into the holiday season...

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving - both the gathering I now have planned with a few friends to eat, play board games, and watch a movie - and having extra time off.  I think I'm going to get a Christmas tree this year, so I'll probably put it up that weekend after Thanksgiving to allow three weeks of enjoyment before I head off to Oregon.  And eggnog coffee is already bringing holiday joy to my mornings. :)

Regarding my last post and "the void" that was left by not focusing on fertility and ttc (and not being in a relationship - and that I'm now noticing more since I'm settled after finding a place and moving): I talked to my new Ecology of Leadership (EOL) phone buddy, and she suggested putting it out to the larger EOL group.  I did this and heard back from two or three people who said they were available for phone calls and would like to get together.  I have a lunch date for next week.  This is all good but has helped me realize that the "void" is definitely more about day-to-day connection, not as much having events planned on the calendar.  Phone calls may help if I can get in the habit of reaching out.  Pursuing a creative project may also bring meaning and focus.  But I think the core of it really gets back to my longing for family.  Along these lines, C asked me about another possibility I haven't focused on in a while...

Guess I need to backtrack first and say that BBBS rejected me.  I was surprised but noticed that I felt some relief.  The woman said policy prevents her from telling me the exact reason, but that I have a lot to offer a child and she hopes I find another avenue to connect with one.  So, it didn't seem to have anything to do with my character but might have had to do with what I shared in the interview about trying to have a child for quite a while and that I wanted ideally to have a positive connection with a child who was able to "attach" (I have worked with youth who have attachment disorders).  She may have felt I had too high of expectations for the experience, and they really emphasize having little to no expectations.  In any case, I have come to think it is for the best, and the relief I felt was about the recognition that I don't think a big sister relationship would likely fulfill much of my desire to be mother.  I was "settling" for that choice, which isn't a good place to be coming from.

Back to the other possibility C asked about... She brought up foster parenting and adoption.  I actually completed a foster parent adoption training when I lived in San Luis Obispo, but then my organization closed doors and I didn't feel I could move forward while unemployed.  I'm still not earning what I feel I should be ideally, but I'm stable and employed.  When she asked about it, I felt excitement and energy to investigate what would be required in this county, so I plan to do that in the coming weeks.  Even if I don't move forward right now, it will be good to have the information.  One obstacle could be that I live in a two-bedroom house.  J is never home but the other room is still "his" room.  Maybe that would limit me to fostering younger children, which is what I would like anyway.  Much to learn.  What do you think of this plan at this point?  Am I being overly optimistic that I might qualify?

It's raining here today, so I am going to have a cozy day working on another full-time counseling application, grading papers, and refining my agenda for Tuesday's class - only one class to plan for this week - yay!  And I have a couple Netflix movies to watch later.  Hope you are keeping warm and cozy, too.

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