Life keeps rolling along... relationships take focus and energy; I find myself with less blogging motivation. But I still appreciate having a space to process and record the journey, so here I am again.
I started seeing a cognitive behavioral counselor yesterday for help working through intimacy and commitment fears, which I recently identified as a specific phobia and OCD, without the compulsions. Somehow, it's helpful to have a label for these fears and anxieties that arise in the context of intimate relationship, often in the form of judgments. It's already led to some helpful insights and reframing.
One of the underlying fears is that if I commit to something that is not "perfection," then I will lose the opportunity to be "un-abandoned" and have ideal, completely safe unconditional love and merging with someone. I will also become dependent on one person to meet all my needs. There is a sense I will be "trapped."
Obviously, these thoughts and fears are not rational and have as one main source my mother dying when I was four-years-old (and never really bonding with my step-mother). I think there are other layers, sources, and faulty beliefs acquired over the years, as well.
My relationship with RC has continued to grow. We connect emotionally, spiritually, romantically, and sexually. Also mentally, but a little less than I hope it grows into, as he engages more with an external passion or interest. Though we are physically affectionate and regularly sexual, I would like more fire from him, in terms of feeling his intense desire for me. I realized this dynamic of someone wanting me helps spark my own passion. He says he is strongly attracted to me and hasn't really felt this type of unbridled intense physical passion with someone before, that he can remember. So, it's something he's asking himself about - how can he feel open to losing some control in that way?
Overall, I feel excited and happy, hopeful about our future. We are having some spontaneous and relaxed, playful phone calls, which I am enjoying. I can be my quirky, silly self with him and feel comfortable. I can get frustrated or have strong feelings with him and feel comfortable. He is starting to show me edges I haven't seen before, which, while sometimes uncomfortable, I really appreciate.
So, we are moving forward both emotionally and in the "real world," as he is planning to move up here with me in May. This will only be about seven months into our romantic relationship, but considering our past friendship of several years, during which we spent a lot of time together, I think we are at a different place than many couples would be. I am tired of trying to maintain our intimacy over long distance between times we are together. I'm also really looking forward to having a life companion and someone who is "with" me in the journey of adopting or having a child. Combining finances and splitting rent will certainly not hurt my security and stability either.
He's coming up here for a couple of weeks over Spring Break, starting next weekend, during which we plan to get matching tattoos (!). Not the elaborate one we've talked about, but a simple celtic-style one of a combined heart and infinity sign. I'm excited to spend more time with him and learning more about each other and getting comfortable living with one another. So glad that my procedure is behind me and we won't have that stress and annoyance hanging over us!
