This is a post to help me process my thoughts and feeling around making choices about our leftover embryos...So, as I think I’ve shared, we already donated several embryos to a local infertile couple, and she is now pregnant with boy! Exciting! We don’t feel comfortable donating any more.
And. We still have several remaining, two of them very high quality. Though we’ve had several helpful sessions with a therapist, I still feel attachment. I want to have closure and move on in the next three months so have come up with a couple of options on which to percolate. I would appreciate hearing your thoughts on these or any other options you can see.
Option 1: Do one more natural cycle with the two highest quality embryos. No medications other than the trigger shot. Considerably less chance of success than a fully medicated transfer, but still a decent chance. This has a 4K price tag. Do we want another baby? Not necessarily, but I’m sure we would come around to being excited and happy. I would love for Ellie to have a sibling. My worry is taking away from my focus on her. She’s my baby, and I love her beyond comprehension. I don’t want to disrupt our special bond. We also would like to travel, and I’m thinking that would be a lot easier with just the three of us. When I think of trying and potentially being pregnant again, I do feel excited, though! And I’m pretty darn old.
Option 2: Pick up the remaining embryos and, in a conscious, sacred, and prayerful way, do a home procedure to absorb them inside me. This might sound strange, but it feels more loving and like we’re honoring them than just letting the clinic destroy them. We both feel very sad contemplating this, but it would provide loving closure.
I would appreciate any feedback or clarifying questions you might have. Will Ellie resent us for not having a sibling, when we had the ability to give her that? If we let go of the embryos, will we have regrets later? Who knew that this technology that helped us have our beloved daughter would also create such a profoundly complex and emotion-laden conundrum.
I wouldn’t worry about providing a sibling for Ellie, I did for years but as an adult my son has said more than once that he loved being an only child- you really don’t miss what you don’t have. Sure,he wanted a baby sibling when all his friends were becoming the “big brother” but in retrospect he loved having all our attention.
ReplyDeleteWhen you take a deep breath and really relax, do you feel like your family is complete? How does your husband feel?
That’s good to hear. I have come to believe Ellie will be all right. I just wonder if it would be nice for her to have a sibling, especially since we are older. But there are definite advantages to being an only. ❤️
DeleteSo I can't give you advice, but I can offer a perspective on having 2 kids vs. 1. Our daughter was an IVF miracle. My eggs were crap and we were given a low success rate %. Amazingly when she was 17 months, I got pregnant naturally. I had many of the same thoughts as you -- will it ruin our bond, how can I love another child just as much. The truth is no, it didn't ruin our bond, and having my son didn't take away the love I have for my daughter, but added to the love I have for both of them. It's not all sunshine and roses -- there is certainly sibling rivalry, guilt about splitting time & attention between 2 (they don't often want to do the same activity), jealousy, etc; but there is also a sibling bond I love. Now I can't imagine my life without both of them in it.
ReplyDeleteThe fact is, you can't make a wrong decision. Whatever you choose to do, it is right for you and your family. I know that doesn't make it any easier, but hopefully it gives you some peace.
I think the right decision will come to you. Don’t rush it. In some form soon you will know what to do. Hard decisions! Good luck
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