Philosophical Ruminations

Do you all think it's true that the more vulnerable you are, the more "belonging" you will feel in groups or within a couple?  This is something that seems to be coming up for me in different contexts: I read about it, talked to others about it, and it came up last night in my InterPl@y group, as well.  The idea being that as we show both our weaknesses and strengths, we can experience acceptance and truly being known.  And, in a chicken and egg equation, the more self-acceptance we feel, the more authentic and vulnerable we are able to be.  I think there might be truth to this... I know I experienced the opposite - a feeling of self-consciousness, separateness, and lack of acceptance - in my leadership group when I was "triggered" or feeling small and not good about myself.  I would like to increase my self-acceptance, ability to be vulnerable, and my sense of belonging in my friendships and groups.  Can I make a mid-year resolution?

Another, even bigger, question: What gives our lives meaning, and what specifically will give my life meaning, if not ttc and motherhood?  I have been thinking lately about how focused I was for so long (many years) on trying to get pregnant, and, as frustrating as the process could be, how it gave my life direction and meaning.  Researching fertility, donors (or male fertility for S), procedures.  Tracking my bbt and other fertility signs, then hyper-analyzing possible indications of pregnancy.  Talking to others, supporting and being supported by others through the journey.  It all added up to a LOT of time, energy, and, yes, meaning.  The chance of success was so exciting and trying for the goal of a child definitely fueled a fire within me.  What fuels my fire now?  At the moment, nothing that comes close to that level of engagement.

Do I need to take some dramatic action to change my life?  Right now, I feel somewhat stuck in a rut, and have felt that way for a while, even during the last part of when I was with S.  The activism I did with S did feel meaningful and exciting, which I haven't been involved with since.  Do you ever feel like you just go to work, plan for work, eat, sleep, watch TV?  Okay, I also participate in dance and theater groups once a week and am now working out a couple times....going out with friends here and there.  But our day-to-day activities are the meat of our lives.  My career counseling work is enjoyable and has some meaning, but it's not enough; I need more juice.

And this upcoming move feels like a parallel one.  My new living situation - the houseshare with my theater teacher in Al@meda, which will be confirmed when I meet his partner but is 90% likely, will be similar to this one in many ways: living with a guy who's in a relationship and gone much of the time; small two-bedroom, one bath house with a backyard; nice couch and TV setup in the living room just beckoning for my butt to sit down and watch.  Don't get me wrong, I am grateful!  The rent is right, I am friends with my new housemate, Zoey has her backyard, the house is pretty nice.  But part of me hoped this move would be more of a shake-up; that I would end up in a significantly different, more close-knit friendship/community-type situation.  The one BIG difference is the neighborhood.  It's MUCH nicer and more walkable.  LOTS of fun restaurants, coffee shops, stores, hangout places, and the beach is close-by.  So maybe I will get out more and feel less insular.

But I feel like I need MORE of a shake-up or to find something that gives my life more purpose and meaning.  A relationship would be a good start, but I can't force that.  I am not in a stable enough place at the moment to think seriously of pursuing having a child (in ways that don't involve my own eggs).  Anyone else felt like this?