9/17/2013

Good News and Bad News

First of all, thank you to everyone who wished me well on the trip and with this cycle.  Sunday is our test day and so far, no symptoms to speak of, except some moodiness/sadness.  And wanting to eat a lot. but that is likely stress and progesterone.

Regarding the trip, there is good news and bad news.  We made it through the family trip to Oregon in a LOT better shape than the Tahoe trip and I was able to take a quiet, candle-lit "time-out" when I really needed one.  And S was generally more centered and supportive, though he had to do a few hours of work while we were there - thinking about it now, I wonder if that helped him stay centered?  In any case, overall, much better trip in terms of fighting less and staying relatively balanced.

The bad news is that I still had a LOT of critical thoughts come up about S, in terms of physical flaws.  I think I'm seeing the connection pretty clearly between family time and increased anxiety about S being "good enough."  I do recognize how arrogant and mean this sounds... I so wish I could control this evil part of my brain.

As the weekend wore on, S could feel distance and I ended up sharing that I wasn't feeling connected to him physically, which was hard for him to hear.  Then, at the end of the trip he pressed me to say more about what was up for me that was leading to him feeling distance.  So I shared more details about where my mind was going (fitness, age-difference, etc.), but that was very painful for him to hear.  :(

I think there are factors throwing fuel on the evil fire in my brain including:  as mentioned, the anxiety and lack of self-acceptance that comes up with family; the progesterone supplements - and likely the dhea and other long-term supplements I'm on; and the added pressure of us talking about living together and marriage.

In our talk on the way home, I had some grief come up again about missing out on that "young love" and commitment experience of falling in love with abandon, knowing this is the right person for you - the love of your life - and easily moving forward and deciding to settle down together.  I had the falling in love with abandon thing in my early 20's with someone who was not available (and not even a good match in retrospect) - the ex I've written about here.  But it never got out of the gate and other relationships didn't come close to that.  Well, maybe one college boyfriend, but it was definitely immature love, and when I graduated a year ahead of him, I met someone else.

S and I do have a more mature love, but he's pretty restrained in the ga-ga romance department and has understandably been affected by being married twice before.  And, though I feel a lot of love and attraction for him, I would ideally like to feel more consistent chemistry.

I'm obviously feeling some confusion.  This week, I will make another counseling appointment to get some help in sorting it out.  I wish it were more simple - or that I could remove part of my brain!  I am open to feedback or advice.

8 comments:

  1. I've heard that a lot of couples feel a huge drop in the romance department when they are TTC. When sex becomes a scheduled/timed/necessary event it is easy to see how that could happen. Do you feel that TTC is a cause for these lack of romance feelings?

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    1. Hi Ali - finally responding to this question... maybe a factor but I don't think it's the main catalyst. I can see how ttc could cause stress but for us it's been a mixed bag and can sometimes even be positive.

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  2. Delurking to share a few thoughts: I fell in love with my husband with wild abandon, sex non-stop, all that movie stuff. Now, after nearly 14 years of being married, he gets on my nerves, sure I wish he were thinner etc, and I too sometimes feel very disconnected from him physically (mostly because I am exhausted and all touched-out from having kids hang off of me 24/7 so I just want to be left alone). But I guess that's just life. No matter how your relationship starts, sooner or later spouse will get on your nerves and you on his. I personally appreciate my husband a lot because he's the committed kind and a good dad.
    Seems like S is a keeper, even though he may not really float your boat... If he is OK with that.

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    1. Thanks for the perspective, GMP. He floats my boat but not as consistently or powerfully as I would ideally choose. We do have a good attraction dynamic when things are "working." It's good to remember everyone loses their "shine" after being committed for a while...

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  3. Agree with both poster above. First, that any relationship however "hot" to start will eventually cool down and get humdrum. Second, TTC can kill any romance and attraction!
    Nobody is perfect and as long as S has the qualities that endure such as caring, kind, etc then you have a keeper.

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  4. This post resonated with me for its honesty. I also was married young and I also sometimes have "unkind thoughts" about my husband's physical health. He doesn't always know how to eat healthy and hardly ever exercises and I get frustrated with this for so many reasons that I won't go into. However, I've learned through 8 years of marriage (wow!) that things go in states and phases...both the relationship and his taking care of himself. Things are always up and down like that.

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    1. Thanks for your wisdom - from your own life and working with your clients, I would imagine. So maybe I should try and stop striving for consistency and stability?

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  5. I had that young love. In my case it made me very stupid and not really look at the person. For some people it works out not in my case. I usually ended badly. I would love a mature love at this point. Probably because I am mature. Even if I had that young love again I think I will dissect it with my mature brain. I can't bring the young no worries brain back. I say this not as a critisim but more of a thought. I know in some cases honesty in the best policy. I don't think you should have told him how you felt about him physically. Sometimes if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it. Especially if it wasn't a relationship deal breaker. I can see how it could be a big blow to his self esteem. If the man I was with did that to me I would have been destroyed. Regardless if that is how he feels. A nudge to do more physical things eat better possible. If he said those things to you, Would you have taken it well? If you would my hats off to you. I wouldn't.

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