I am c-r-a-b-b-y
I am crabby and irritable right now. My fuse is shorter than usual. I always have a little grump in my nature that can come out when I am over-extended or experiencing anxiety. But then, at certain times, I'm more reactive and feel more intense anger when things don't go my way or I feel stuck or unfairly treated. I am aware that my cycle is due to start soon, so I'm sure that's part of it.
This morning, I had zero tolerance for an idiot I was messaging with on a dating site. He wasn't listening to my responses - was being self-absorbed - and then went off on me when I had to get off chat abruptly to answer a phone call. Just before I got off the chat, I had expressed confusion and mirrored back what I was hearing - that I guessed he wasn't open to adoption or I-V-F.
I should explain how the conversation went down: After asking me about my hopes for becoming a mother and hearing my answer that it was unlikely I would conceive naturally (without intervention) but might become a parent through the previously-mentioned avenues, he said he regretted not becoming a parent. I asked him why couldn't he now? And he said well, he did think he'd have enough energy (he was around 50), but he would need to date women the age of a daughter. So I, logically I think, questioned him about not being open to what I had mentioned. Then I got a call about a possible housing opportunity and told him I needed to leave chat and take it.
When I got back on the site, he had written me a vitriolic email about how rude and high maintenance I was and how could I be a counselor and of course he was open to these things. What? Right after I had suggested them he acted as though the opportunity had passed him by and that he would need to date someone much younger to become a parent.
What's funny is he said in his profile he wanted someone who was "baggage free." I am no longer going to correspond with guys that say that because inevitably it ends up that they have the most difficult baggage of all. As I should know by now, the hardest issues to deal with are those that are unconscious. When people say they have no baggage, you can bet they have as much "baggage" or wounds/issues as any of us, but they haven't figured out what they are and therefore don't moderate them or take responsibility for the outburst that happens when one of these issues gets triggered.
He was very uncool, but I recognize I was irritable from the start. I am definitely hormonal but also could use some TLC like sitting quietly in nature and doing some drawing or art. I'm stressed about moving and STILL not having found a place (following some new leads), and I'm lonely too. Zoey helps but some human companionship would be nice. My housemate is on his honeymoon for another couple weeks. It's crazy that shortly after he gets back, everything is going to change. We will never live together again, and we will never have the conversations over meals on a regular basis like we did for so long. It's like three years of this and then "poof!" it's over. Very strange.
To end on a positive note, I have been working out at the Y doing cardio and Zumba classes the past couple of weeks. I'm so happy to have found the motivation for this! It feels sooo good and my body feels different already. I think it will give me greater confidence with dating, even though I do know that there are men out there that would love me just as I am. Maybe, as mentioned in this post, I will even get to change my description from "average" to "athletic" some time in the future. :-)