Sorry for the downer posts lately... it's a "transition time" for me, as they say. Moving for me right now seems to be a big deal. On multiple levels, it means my life is shifting and changing, and much of the landscape where I will end up is unknown.
As an introvert, my home is my refuge. I need to have a safe and private place to recharge and relax. I don't know if I can find that with the friend with whom I was recently looking for housing. She is a kind and good person, but also an extravert and seems to "spin out" with anxiety and frenetic talking regularly. I am somewhat of an anxious person myself, and I think this might interfere with me finding the calm relaxation I need at home.
As an aside: the two places I mentioned before were a big disappointment. The "urban treehouse" was rundown and dark and the backyard would be a hazard for the dog, in addition to me and the owner and potential housemate not clicking well. With regard to the other one in Alb@ny, the woman was a semi-hoarder and the place had piles everywhere, was not clean, and had a large, albeit nice, dog lying all over the furniture. :(
I'm going to two open-houses tomorrow; one would involve living with three other people, and the other, seven people. Even three other people feels like a stretch. Ideally, I would like to live with one or maybe two other people. But I don't have all the time in the world to find a place. "All the time in the world" meaning more than two weeks! And my girl, Zoey, adds to the challenge of finding a place, as apartment living without a yard would be a much lower quality of life for her.
There is the option of living with my friend for a month, which I may do but would mean more chaos and stress in terms of transitioning. Better to do that though, I think, than move into a place that doesn't feel good enough to live in long term. I do NOT want to end up needing to move again in a few months - been there, done that, when I talked myself into a situation that didn't feel right in the past.
So, I'm trying to hang in there and continue to take it one step at a time, having faith that something will fall into place. I also notice that my maximum rent level seems to be inching up two or three hundred dollars, as most places I'm seeing that sound great are in a higher range. I may regret not standing firm in my upper limit, but then again, it may push me to earn more money - maybe get my career counseling business going.
The other major change is in terms of social structure. As I said, I have met a lot of my needs for connection and meaningful conversation through time over meals with my housemate. That's all of a sudden gone now, and I guess I'm hoping that my next living situation will include someone with whom I feel comfortable and can have these kinds of conversations.
Meanwhile, I'm binge-watching "Or@nge is the New Bl@ck," which is sooo good. And so distracting. Right now, I MUST begin working on my syllabus for the class that starts next week. So. hard. to. motivate.
Part of my stuck-ness is emotion around my mom's illness, as well. My brother delivered bad news a few days ago that the cancer is now confirmed in her lungs, much lowering hope of recovery. This punctured the bubble of hope I was maintaining. I have cried once, but a kind of heavy sadness seems to be hanging over me. I don't know what I should do, if anything. They live too far away to help in practical ways. I need to call but am kind of dreading that, as it will make it more real. The whole situation bring up a lot of existential questioning for me, which doesn't seem very productive.
Thanks for listening. Hopefully, my next post will bring better news and a new outlook.