I am having one of those moments in my life, in my relationship, in which I am necessarily reminding myself that I know who my partner is - have know who he is from the beginning - and should not be surprised when he is acting true to character. At this moment, I admit, I wish his character were a little different in certain ways.
Specifically, there are two ways in which my partner behaves that I'm struggling with right now...
One, when he is stressed and overwhelmed, he can become depressed and withdrawn. I generally do not do this, and I'm trying, but I don't really understand it. I know that we just went through a HUGE life change in moving to Eugene, and that this change is even bigger for him because he lived on the Central Coast for multiple decades longer than me. He said himself that he did not feel rooted there and that he was open to moving, but when it came down to it, it was very challenging for him.
What I would LIKE him to do when he is stressed and overwhelmed is to communicate about it and ask for what he needs or let me help him figure out what he needs. In general, I would like us to turn to one another and work as a team through life's challenges and adversities. Is this unrealistic? Perhaps, again, considering his nature. He has depression and it seems to flare up when he is feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Can he shift his thinking and reactions at these times? I don't know.
The second aspect with which I'm struggling perhaps relates to the first, as I think about it. He doesn't have the initiative and sense of agency that I would like him to have when it comes to problem solving, especially right now when it has to deal with money. This affects me big-time in the area of engagement and marriage.
I have never been married. I am excited and looking forward to being married. RC and I have talked about marriage many times over the last year plus that we have been together (as mentioned, we were friends for several years, as well, when I lived on the Central Coast a decade ago). Before we left, we had several discussions about getting married before the end of the year for tax purposes - I know, how romantic! - and then, when it quickly became clear that it would be too much to plan a real wedding by the end of the year, we talked about perhaps doing a justice of the peace court wedding in December, then a real wedding in February. We have looked at rings down there and once up here in Oregon, as well.
Fast-forward to yesterday, three weeks after we arrived in Oregon, I asked what his thoughts were now on the subject, and he totally withdrew and said he didn't know what to say - that I know our finance situation, and he wants to get me a ring but doesn't know where the money would come from. ARGH! In a past conversation, I asked him to reflect and consider where the money might be found. Is it unreasonable that I want him to take the lead on this endeavor? I'm willing to help or talk through finances, but I DON'T WANT TO BE IN CHARGE OF COMING UP WITH THE MONEY FOR MY OWN RING!
Obviously, I have some energy around this. As mentioned, I've never been married. He's been married twice before. The proposal and ring mean a lot to me, and there is romance involved, at least for me. It's so frustrating to me that it seems he hasn't even been thinking about this situation and how we might move forward. In this moment, right now, I can brainstorm two or three ways that he/we could come up with some money. Why can't he do that and take the lead? In addition to frustrated, it makes me feel sad and insecure.
Thanks for listening to my venting on this. I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments.
11/25/2018
11/16/2018
Arrived! Settling in. Cycle news!
We are here! Our little caravan arrived in Oregon last Saturday night. We took it slow due to RC towing my car behind the Uhaul. It was frustrating for me at times tailing behind, since he was often driving a little below the speed limit and had to slow down when we came up on (lots of) truckers, but we broke up the trip staying overnight in Redding, so it wasn't too bad.
Since then, we have been unloading the Uhaul and the Pod, which was delivered on Sunday morning with all my stuff in it, and unpacking the mountain of boxes in our dining room. We have made significant progress, though, and it's starting to feel a little like a home.
We have the kitchen functional, and I enjoy cooking so much more than at RC's old apartment! Our upstairs bedroom is lovely, with a large window looking out into open space in the back with a hedge and tall trees beyond that. Our townhouse borders a Country Club golf course, so that is very lucky! The hedges block a golf course view, but there are no other buildings or houses in sight when we are looking out the back.
We talked about getting involved and hopefully, eventually, buying in to a cohousing community currently under construction in town, but honestly, my heart is not in it right now. RC says he feels the same way. I like our new place and the thought of moving again in a year or two sounds awful, especially if we (God willing) have a little one. So, we may let that go for now.
Regarding our IVF efforts...so, my beta numbers continued to drop from 24 and were only 13 at the next blood test. The doctor said we didn't need to do further beta testing. Yay! My body has definitely continued it's return to normal, and, due in part to my attempt to eat a more low-carb diet, I feel thinner than I've been in many months.
The big news is that I did complete a doctor-ordered RPL (Repeat Pregnancy Loss) test panel, and not only was my tsh/thyroid level way up at 4.3, but my Protein C result was low at 64, with a normal range of 78 - 205. The doctor said that my recent early pregnancy loss may still be impacting these numbers and ordered repeat testing in four weeks (around December 7th).
So, even though it's a big drag to have further delay, if it means greater chance of success in our next cycle, we are okay with that. I guess if the Protein C is still out of range, they may put me on Lovenox (anti-coagulant) for the next cycle. Have any of you heard of or experienced this?
With regard to the tsh, I recently learned that estrogen can impact your tsh levels: WTF?! I had no idea. Needless to say, I requested we test my tsh level prior to our next transfer, following the weeks of taking estrogen to build my lining, and the doctor concurred.
I have more to share about our time with my family since arriving (taking my older niece and nephew to The Grinch was a highlight!), plus reflections about how RC and I deal with stress and are working out the true combining of our lives, but I'll stop here today. Holidays suddenly feel like they're right around the bend, and I'm excited for our first holiday season living in Oregon!
Since then, we have been unloading the Uhaul and the Pod, which was delivered on Sunday morning with all my stuff in it, and unpacking the mountain of boxes in our dining room. We have made significant progress, though, and it's starting to feel a little like a home.
We have the kitchen functional, and I enjoy cooking so much more than at RC's old apartment! Our upstairs bedroom is lovely, with a large window looking out into open space in the back with a hedge and tall trees beyond that. Our townhouse borders a Country Club golf course, so that is very lucky! The hedges block a golf course view, but there are no other buildings or houses in sight when we are looking out the back.
We talked about getting involved and hopefully, eventually, buying in to a cohousing community currently under construction in town, but honestly, my heart is not in it right now. RC says he feels the same way. I like our new place and the thought of moving again in a year or two sounds awful, especially if we (God willing) have a little one. So, we may let that go for now.
Regarding our IVF efforts...so, my beta numbers continued to drop from 24 and were only 13 at the next blood test. The doctor said we didn't need to do further beta testing. Yay! My body has definitely continued it's return to normal, and, due in part to my attempt to eat a more low-carb diet, I feel thinner than I've been in many months.
The big news is that I did complete a doctor-ordered RPL (Repeat Pregnancy Loss) test panel, and not only was my tsh/thyroid level way up at 4.3, but my Protein C result was low at 64, with a normal range of 78 - 205. The doctor said that my recent early pregnancy loss may still be impacting these numbers and ordered repeat testing in four weeks (around December 7th).
So, even though it's a big drag to have further delay, if it means greater chance of success in our next cycle, we are okay with that. I guess if the Protein C is still out of range, they may put me on Lovenox (anti-coagulant) for the next cycle. Have any of you heard of or experienced this?
With regard to the tsh, I recently learned that estrogen can impact your tsh levels: WTF?! I had no idea. Needless to say, I requested we test my tsh level prior to our next transfer, following the weeks of taking estrogen to build my lining, and the doctor concurred.
I have more to share about our time with my family since arriving (taking my older niece and nephew to The Grinch was a highlight!), plus reflections about how RC and I deal with stress and are working out the true combining of our lives, but I'll stop here today. Holidays suddenly feel like they're right around the bend, and I'm excited for our first holiday season living in Oregon!
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