Crisis of Meaning

Sorry for not posting or commenting very regularly right now... I think it's a combination of my life shifting to a much faster track with a puppy on board (pictures and video to follow below), as well as taking a step back to sit with - and I'm aware of how dramatic this sounds - a "crisis of meaning."

Since at this point, it's looking like I may never become a biological mother, what will take it's place with regard to my life's purpose and direction?

Off and on for the last several years, I have focused on trying to conceive in various ways: known donor, co-par.enting, IUIs, natural way within a relationship, and medicated IUIs.  And when I wasn't trying to conceive, in the back of my mind, I knew I would return to trying at some point.  I don't have that confidence now.

I don't know why out of six IUI attempts, non-medicated and medicated, and at least 8 months of trying naturally, I haven't become pregnant.   Other than, for whatever reason, I just can't.  Either my eggs are too old (most likely I guess), or my uterus is unfriendly for some reason as yet undetected.

Yes, if I had $15,000 right now, I would try IVF.  But that is currently out of my affordability range.  I may still try to get a loan, but I think that would likely allow a couple more medicated IUIs versus IVF.  Maybe, just maybe, international IVF.

I wish someone could tell me with certainty whether I have enough good eggs in there to warrant trying more in this way.  In any case, I'm not feeling super motivated to try and make that happen right now.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of getting my hopes up every try, just to get no results at all.   I'm tired of trying to scrape together the financing piece and living with the stress of not having as much money or financial cushion as I need.

And.  There's one other new consideration.  Some of you may laugh, but having a puppy has given me a taste of single motherhood.  And it IS hard.  At least for me.

I read some SMC blogs, and these women are rocking single motherhood and don't seem to be all that stressed.  I am definitely getting in more of a groove with Zoey, but damn, she requires a LOT of care and constant supervision, not to mention always thinking of her with every plan I make.

She needs to be let out for bathroom breaks and exercise and food.  I can't just go out for a few hours in the evening or drive off to work for the day.  Care has got to be arranged, or I need to schedule myself accordingly.  She needs vet care and baths.  I am even obsessed with the health of her poop!  lol

I'm not complaining.  I think getting Zoey was the perfect decision for me right now, and I get so much joy and love from playing and cuddling with her.  We're having fun learning new tricks, like sit, down, leave it, settle, etc.  And she is giving my life purpose and direction, that's for sure (though not equal to the meaning of motherhood of course).

But it makes me imagine taking that care to the next level for a baby and doing it all alone.  It's a little overwhelming to think about.  I do think it's "training" me in a way, and I would be better prepared going into caring for a baby.  But boy does it sound more manageable with a partner or substantial help.

So, there's that.  I don't have a settled clarity yet, but it's all rambling around in my psyche and spirit right now.  We'll see where the pieces land...

With that, I leave you with some pics and a video of my little girl, Zoey (the video I took on my iPhone is not uploading - any advice?):

Here's Zoey chilling out on a hot day in her luxury swimming pool. :)

Zoey had a sun toy from the vets that she thrashed around, chased and chewed.  The sun has now "passed on" in torn-up glory, and she has an orange bear made of similar material.  We'll see how long Mr. Bear lasts... this could get expensive.


  1. I don't think that single parenthood is easy at all, even with a four-year-old. Just remember, a lot of life is missing from those blog posts you read! There's a LOT I haven't posted about... The "can I do this?" talks with my mom, the crying I've done, the anger and frustration I feel, the humiliation when you're told your kid hurt some other kid at school... And there's more. :) It's really hard. But, it's also really worth it!

    I used to feel like maybe parenting wasn't for me, because I have a CAT who is a handful. So, I get it. You'd be a great mom, though, especially because you WANT to be. Hugs to you!

    1. Thanks, Sarah! Very much appreciate your sharing and feedback. You dove right in to motherhood and I so admire (and am inspired by) you. Hugs to you, too!

  2. I totally agree that raising a new puppy is like raising a baby. Although, I have to admit I've never raised a baby before. But I have raised a puppy. And they are a lot of work. I definitely felt like it was preparing me for motherhood.

    And I love your photos of Zoey...keep 'em coming! :)

  3. My dogs are also prolific toy murderers. I highly recommend the red kong (because it is super sturdy and if you put peanut butter in it they stay occupied forever), and the $1 rope toys from target (because they are cheap and fairly strong).

  4. I remember feeling overwhelmed with the first puppy I raised (my Sadie girl). She was so full of energy and mischief and required so much of me, there were days when I didn't know how I would handle it. But you do eventually get into a groove and, although I know babies are different, I think raising a puppy is similar in a lot of ways to raising a baby. As Sarah said, you would be a great mom. We already know you're a great dog mom. :)

    I definitely understand being tired of the process, though. It takes so much out of you. I hope you find answers and clarity for yourself soon. *hugs*

    1. Thanks, Jenny, I appreciate your confidence in me. And also hearing you also felt overwhelmed occasionally being a dog mom. Hugs back.

  5. Ooooo my goodness! That puppy is so stinking adorable! So so cute!

  6. I am with you on being tired (exhausted) of the whole process. I'm not pushing you to continue (I never want to do that to anyone because only you can decide how far you can go), but have you looked into financing. I remember one SMC a few years ago who received a grant for IVF. As for raising a dog, I definitely remember the puppy days. Because of health issues, the Diva still often wakes me at least once a night to go out. I just laugh and say that she is training me for sleep dep with a baby. I hope you find your way through this crisis with the strength that you have always shown. :-)

    1. Thanks, MN. I was really relating when I read your recent post. It IS exhausting and disheartening. Hmm, a grant she didn't have to pay back? I wonder where she received it from? I'm looking right now at my old credit union, with whom I have a positive history. I like how you keep your sense of humor with getting up in the middle of the night - that's one way it seems similar (dogs/kids) - they are relying on you and you just have to do what you have to do and try and keep your humor!

  7. Zoe is adorable and I can understand how much having a dog has changed your life. I am sure it has challenges as you have stated but rewards too when you get to snuggle.

    Reg TTC, I am not sure what advise to give. I wish there as a simple answer, but only you know how far, or how long, you can take this, and I wish you all the very best in your decision.

  8. Seriously adorable pictures of Zoey!

  9. Zoey is sooo adorable!!!

    Aww girl, I feel for you :-( I really want your dreams to come true!! It's so hard feeling like nothing will work. I wonder about my eggs, too. I've been told before they might be bad. I also have a hostile uterus, so I don't know what will happen.

    Big hugs xoxo. I think international IVF would be great. Have you looked into New Hope in NY? I can't remember if I've mentioned it or you've mentioned it. Anyway, they have mini-IVF that's $5,000. I've seen other ladies have great success. That and with clinical trials - free!

    Praying for you <3