I'm up too late tonight because I wasn't able to fall asleep. Eating Halloween candy an hour before bed probably wasn't helpful! I'm looking forward to dancing tomorrow morning, then packing some more calories on with Halloween cookies I'll be making later in the day.
My Halloween plans just came together in the last couple of days. A girlfriend is going to come hang out and meet Zoey. She loves dogs and wants to be one of Zoey's "Aunties"(there are Uncles too) - we can't have too many of those! We are going to combine candy stashes and hand out goodies to the little neighborhood trick-or-treaters. Then around 7:30 or 8, I'm going to get together with my ex, S, again.
He came over last Thursday night, and we spent more time in deep conversation and locking lips. I continue to feel a bit freaked by the whole thing. He's definitely different, and it's clear he's worked through some things. But... what was that phrase about, "Fool me once..."? I don't want to be fooled again!
I will say it's very good to hear him talk about how he blocked things off in his mind. He even used the word, "dissociated," though I don't think he meant it in a clinical sense. He said he's really sorry for treating me the way he did, and that I didn't deserve to be in a situation where I had no access to what was going on with him. We also talked about harsh things I said to him from an emotional place that he was unable to let go of, and we discussed an amends process; mainly focused on how his withholding/blindsiding pattern affected me but also the things that hurt him.
It feels good to be talking things through - and I'm feeling a lot of love for him and from him - but the past is still present in my mind.
p.s. I met with a potential co-parent last night. He's a psychiatrist with a lot of money and a 7-bedroom house in Berk.eley. It's a possibility but I'm not sure. He's attractive and nice, so that's good. I might have asked him about his feelings regarding sharing IVF cost (oh no you didn't!). That might have put the kabosh on it, but I couldn't help myself.