S and I are driving up to my hometown in Oregon today for a visit. I've had various forms of minor anxiety attacks all week about it. I don't know if you remember our trip from a year and half or so ago, but suffice to say it was not a good one.
Remembering back, I think I actually tried to look at the positives when posting about it... perhaps this was part of my "blinders on" stage of my relationship with S - when we clearly had major issues screaming to be dealt with but I was too afraid to push us to deal with them.
Case in point, shortly before our last trip, I found out he had been in communication with his ex-wife (I assumed she dropped of the face of the earth apparently. ha) and that she was coming out to visit in December. The length of the trip and that she would be staying with him were not yet on the radar - facts which caused me to ultimately break up with him.
As I've been sharing, we are in a much different place now - more honest and more able to navigate difficult issues and emotions. But I think my psyche remembers that time - both the pain of the trip, in which we were both stressed and unable to support one another, and the events with the ex that sandwiched it.
S is being quite good about it. He says he's in a much different place now and wants to support me with my family. We have discussed strategies of staying connected and, perhaps most importantly, strategies for me to stay SELF connected. Even without S there, when I visit family I often lose connection with self. I don't feel seen or that my life or accomplishments are particularly valued (not so with my brother, but definitely my Dad and Step-Mom). My family culture celebrates business and sports and a stiff upper lip. I'm a psychologist/dancer involved in building local, sustainable community. You see the disconnect? lol That's another thing that might help: keeping my sense of humor!
Anyway, I better finish packing. I will also be seeing my grandpa when I'm home. He's 92 and has been in and out of the hospital lately. This trip feels significant because of that, as well. And we're taking Zoey!! Wish us luck!
p.s. Brief ttc update: I have an appointment to get my pol.yps removed March 8th, which may be moved up when I start my next cycle on Sunday or Monday. I have a fibr.oid consultation with the specialist in Hayward on the 12th. There are not significant signs that indicate my current cycle might be successful, though we did time things well. I had a cold for the last week or two.