Nose to the Grindstone...

 

What a week!  My work days at the college, were a bit busier than usual, but the main attraction on the busy-ness front was my International Coordinator work.  I had researched and prepared to write my normal, paragraph-or-two monthly reports on my seven students, when lo and behold, I open them and.... gah!  They were the looong reports that we are required to do every few months!

Usually, I will get some sort of heads up from my Manager or co-worker, but this month, nada.  This basically translated into me becoming the Tasmanian Devil for a few days: calling and emailing schools, families, students; sending reminders; entering numbered responses and comments and rechecking; until finally, the last report entered at midnight last night.  Whew!  The good side is that I am paid double for these reports, so my check this month will likewise be double. :)  Which will come in handy considering upcoming medical procedures...

Yes, I am going forward with the Hysteroscopy this Tuesday morning at 9:30.  I have started taking birth control pills, and have the good drugs, Val.ium and Vic.odin, on hand to take just prior to the procedure.  I initially asked her about taking care of anything we might find during the same procedure, and she said, yes, they normally do but sometimes the pain is too much for the patient and they can't go forward.

Hmm, well, let's see, how about we take some pain medication beforehand, just in case?  She agreed.  S will be taking me there and home, as I clearly won't be able to drive.  So, fingers crossed.  Part of me hopes they DO find something, so that there could be some explanation and cure for my series of unsuccessful attempts.  But nothing too serious please?  Just a few little polyps getting in the way of implantation maybe?

On the relationship front, S and I took a detour a couple weeks ago and regressed into some old pain.  Prompted by a conversation we were having about the possible end of counseling and not yet having agreements around communication with exes, he shared he had been continuing to talk regularly on the phone with his ex-wife.  I actually don't want to talk a lot about the drama around that right now.  Just to say, that it triggered my feelings from our previous time together and breakups and really sucked.

Since then, he has been sharing more about his motivations around maintaining these friendships (including that he blew friends/family off in the past in big ways due to relationship demands at the time, as well as a pattern of less than complete honesty to avoid conflict).  I'm appreciating his honesty now and ability to take a look at himself.  I also wonder if there are additional, less conscious reasons for this pattern, as well, such as fear of intimacy or of us not working out - so keeping a foot out the door, so to speak.

As part of recent conversations, he's agreed not to talk to his exes at all until we can get a longer-term agreement with the therapist's help in the next two or three weeks.  He says he loves me and wants me and only me, and I believe him.  He says he's in a different place now than when we were together before - that he's not looking for problems and that he has faith in us - and I believe him... mostly.  

On my side, I eventually was able to see his point that I never asked about her or whether they were communicating - at some less than conscious level, I assumed they weren't, which was my pattern before, as well.  Making assumptions and not getting agreements.  We had been talking a lot about his other ex, the content of which I would have thought would apply to his ex-wife, but it seems it did not.

As mentioned, I do see his talking to his ex as possibly keeping some distance or keeping a foot out the door.  But I also see my pattern of judgment and criticism as doing the same... In a way, I feel like we are in a game of chicken, seeing who will give up their most effective line of defense against intimacy first.

Though it might seem crazy to some, I see continuing our efforts to conceive as an act of faith in us.  I'll admit that the thought of stopping all that really sucked, when we were going through our recent difficulties.

Our therapist, btw, thinks that we are going through completely normal, inevitable ambivalence that come up at the precipice of commitment with a capital "C."  S saw her right after this conflict erupted. I have an appointment with her early next week, then we will both meet with her a couple times to work on these agreements.  It's tough, but I do see progress.

Any encouragement or shared experiences are welcome.  Have been reading along with you all and hoping good things for you, but not finding energy to post much at the moment.  I'll let you know how the procedure goes on Tuesday.

p.s. I have been taking Metformin and am now up to three pills a day.  Feeling some queasiness here and there but overall, I seem to be be tolerating it well.  I did find out that it only combats the physical/male hormone effects of DHEA (gaining weight in abdomen and, I'm assuming, increased hair growth), but not the mood impacts.  This sucks, as I seem quite prone to these volatile mood eruptions.  It's strange that I spent much of my relationship with S before on these drugs and am back on them now... interesting to compare how we cope.

p.p.s. Zoey continues to lighten my energy and keep me sane!  Her procedure healed well and she's doing great!