- I am running my first crowd funding campaign and am inching closer to my goal of covering half of tuition for the Ecology of Leadership program. I don't know if I have shared a lot on this blog about it, but I feel stuck in a certain unproductive pattern in my life (dealing with time and reclusivity). It has felt protective, but I see it does not serve me, as is. So, I am hoping to shift that pattern and also accomplish my goals to increase my Green/Transition career counseling clients and to be part of a social change performing arts troupe. The first weekend of the training actually just happened (on a check and a prayer). It was so intense! Brought up some of my awkward, insecure feelings in groups - mainly at the end when I was exhausted - but also introduced some awesome tools and structures, such as a support buddy and a several-person "pod" of people who will meet in between monthly training weekends and offer mutual support and accountability.
- S and I are continuing to vacillate back and forth from getting along to having painful conflict. My family was in town for the Oregon/Stanford game, and we went out for dinner and drinks. It went well overall but ended in conflict about how I was "not letting him speak." Then, we had the best intentions for my weekend training - even though every weekend event in the past has brought up difficulty - but we ended up fighting on the phone as I drove back yesterday. I know I contributed. I was so exhausted and intolerant of his questions and what I felt was a lack of trust and effort to control me. To be transparent, I'm ashamed to admit I may have smoked for a few days back when we were in our most stressful time of recent fighting. Well, remnants of this time were still on the deck, and when S came over to care for Zoey yesterday, he saw these and thought I was still partaking in this behavior. I told him no, these were from before (which I'd told him about), but he continued to question me on the exact timeline. I sort of blew up. I am so wanting love and acceptance right now - my ability to weather judgment and anger is at an all-time low. So I'm trying something new... since saying what I "don't" want has not worked so far, I decided to come up with an affirmation of what I "do" want. What do you think?: "My relationship is stable and relatively calm, and is filled with love, compassion, and understanding."
- My surgery to remove the large fibroid behind my uturus, scheduled for December 6th, conflicts with one of the EOL monthly training weekends. I am checking to see if there is any way to reschedule for early January. If not, I feel I need to suck it up and miss a weekend of training. It will be difficult, but I have waited so long and am so wanting to move forward and get this problem resolved. The program leaders said it was okay for us to miss a weekend but strongly suggested we try and make them if at all possible. They are all about "creating the village," which I understand - and which may meet my long-held desire for community - but which can also be very intense!
Guess that's all for now. Still looking forward to the holidays, despite having a lot on my plate.
p.s. Oh, and Zoey's bumps above her eyebrow went away. Yay!