Finally: Good News!

So, I have not found my new place yet, BUT:

I have found two possible places in Al@meda, which is not further North, as I'd hoped, but is an awesome community in which I do already know a couple people.  And it's not much more of a drive than what I have now, which is about 20-25 minutes (without traffic).  It's interesting to me that they are both in Al@meda... I've been looking there periodically but was finding most places in Berke1ey.

I am in the process of setting a time - hopefully this weekend - to see the first option: a large, furnished room in an historic house with a huge backyard and hardwood floors.  I would be living with an accomplished 60-year-old puppeteer (she has Disney credits) and holistic health teacher.  She had great energy on the phone and called me "honey," which was endearing.

The second place, which I am going to see Monday evening after work, would be living with my InterPl@y teacher, J, in a place that also has a great doggie-friendly yard.  Actually, he would not be there consistently because he often stays at his boyfriend's.  On the one hand, this is great, but on the other hand, it mirrors my current situation in many ways, and I would like to have more connection time spent with my housemate(s).  I think he and his boyfriend would likely move in together within a few months to a year, however, at which point I could find another housemate.  J is a great guy - fun and kind and communicative - yet, he is an extravert and an actor who brings a lot of energy to the table.  As I have shared, I am an introvert, and so I appreciate low-key, quiet time, as well as space to share back and forth in a mutual way.  Who knows, though?  I've only known him in one context, plus he would be gone a lot.

Both places are in my extended higher range of rent at about $1000.  But remember how I said maybe I could earn more money through my c@reer counseling?  Well, in a bolt of synchronicity, I received free website assistance from an awesome community organization that gives technical work experience/internships to young people and, as part of that process, was prompted to create a business page on FB.  A couple of you already saw this because you "friended" my new page - thank you!  It's under "N@vigating Tr@nsitions C@reer Counse1ing" spelled normally, if you want to check it out.  So, maybe my business is about to increase!  May it be so!  Anyway, I am sure I will know a lot more about the two housing options once I see them, and I will keep you posted!

In yet more good news, my housemate and I had a difficult but good conversation, and we negotiated my move-out date to the end of September!  Yay!  This takes a lot of the pressure off and, fingers crossed, I won't need to stay with my friend.  My housemate's packing and transition to living in his new wife's (now "their") house in S@cramento is taking longer than he thought it might.  And he still has a lot of work to do on this house, some of which they will be doing over Labor Day weekend.  So, once I reassured him that I had options and could stay with a friend if need be, he felt more comfortable agreeing to a longer transition time.  What an awesome guy, right!  Though I may end up moving sooner if the first house works out, because she really wants someone in there at the beginning of September.

This post is becoming super long, but I did want to give the final piece of good news that my class started off very well!  And guess what?  All my students are over 18-years-old!  And my class size is 18 versus 28!  Hallelujah!  I imagine I'll need to teach the youngsters again in the future, but this semester, to my surprise, I was not given the section with mostly high school freshmen.  I. am. so. grateful.

Off to see the movie, "B@yhood" with Ew@n Mcgregor and P@tricia Arquette.  Such an interesting concept - have you seen it?  Hope your weekends are happy ones!

Transition Time

Sorry for the downer posts lately... it's a "transition time" for me, as they say.  Moving for me right now seems to be a big deal.  On multiple levels, it means my life is shifting and changing, and much of the landscape where I will end up is unknown.

As an introvert, my home is my refuge.  I need to have a safe and private place to recharge and relax.  I don't know if I can find that with the friend with whom I was recently looking for housing.  She is a kind and good person, but also an extravert and seems to "spin out" with anxiety and frenetic talking regularly.  I am somewhat of an anxious person myself, and I think this might interfere with me finding the calm relaxation I need at home.

As an aside: the two places I mentioned before were a big disappointment.  The "urban treehouse" was rundown and dark and the backyard would be a hazard for the dog, in addition to me and the owner and potential housemate not clicking well.  With regard to the other one in Alb@ny, the woman was a semi-hoarder and the place had piles everywhere, was not clean, and had a large, albeit nice, dog lying all over the furniture. :(

I'm going to two open-houses tomorrow; one would involve living with three other people, and the other, seven people.  Even three other people feels like a stretch.  Ideally, I would like to live with one or maybe two other people.  But I don't have all the time in the world to find a place.  "All the time in the world" meaning more than two weeks!  And my girl, Zoey, adds to the challenge of finding a place, as apartment living without a yard would be a much lower quality of life for her.

There is the option of living with my friend for a month, which I may do but would mean more chaos and stress in terms of transitioning.  Better to do that though, I think, than move into a place that doesn't feel good enough to live in long term.  I do NOT want to end up needing to move again in a few months - been there, done that, when I talked myself into a situation that didn't feel right in the past.

So, I'm trying to hang in there and continue to take it one step at a time, having faith that something will fall into place.  I also notice that my maximum rent level seems to be inching up two or three hundred dollars, as most places I'm seeing that sound great are in a higher range.  I may regret not standing firm in my upper limit, but then again, it may push me to earn more money - maybe get my career counseling business going.

The other major change is in terms of social structure.  As I said, I have met a lot of my needs for connection and meaningful conversation through time over meals with my housemate.  That's all of a sudden gone now, and I guess I'm hoping that my next living situation will include someone with whom I feel comfortable and can have these kinds of conversations.

Meanwhile, I'm binge-watching "Or@nge is the New Bl@ck," which is sooo good.  And so distracting.  Right now, I MUST begin working on my syllabus for the class that starts next week.  So. hard. to. motivate.

Part of my stuck-ness is emotion around my mom's illness, as well.  My brother delivered bad news a few days ago that the cancer is now confirmed in her lungs, much lowering hope of recovery.  This punctured the bubble of hope I was maintaining.  I have cried once, but a kind of heavy sadness seems to be hanging over me.  I don't know what I should do, if anything.  They live too far away to help in practical ways.  I need to call but am kind of dreading that, as it will make it more real.  The whole situation bring up a lot of existential questioning for me, which doesn't seem very productive.

Thanks for listening.  Hopefully, my next post will bring better news and a new outlook.

I am c-r-a-b-b-y

I am crabby and irritable right now.  My fuse is shorter than usual.  I always have a little grump in my nature that can come out when I am over-extended or experiencing anxiety.  But then, at certain times, I'm more reactive and feel more intense anger when things don't go my way or I feel stuck or unfairly treated.  I am aware that my cycle is due to start soon, so I'm sure that's part of it.

This morning, I had zero tolerance for an idiot I was messaging with on a dating site.  He wasn't listening to my responses - was being self-absorbed - and then went off on me when I had to get off chat abruptly to answer a phone call.  Just before I got off the chat, I had expressed confusion and mirrored back what I was hearing - that I guessed he wasn't open to adoption or I-V-F.

I should explain how the conversation went down:  After asking me about my hopes for becoming a mother and hearing my answer that it was unlikely I would conceive naturally (without intervention) but might become a parent through the previously-mentioned avenues, he said he regretted not becoming a parent.  I asked him why couldn't he now?  And he said well, he did think he'd have enough energy (he was around 50), but he would need to date women the age of a daughter.  So I, logically I think, questioned him about not being open to what I had mentioned.  Then I got a call about a possible housing opportunity and told him I needed to leave chat and take it.

When I got back on the site, he had written me a vitriolic email about how rude and high maintenance I was and how could I be a counselor and of course he was open to these things.  What?  Right after I had suggested them he acted as though the opportunity had passed him by and that he would need to date someone much younger to become a parent.

What's funny is he said in his profile he wanted someone who was "baggage free."  I am no longer going to correspond with guys that say that because inevitably it ends up that they have the most difficult baggage of all.  As I should know by now, the hardest issues to deal with are those that are unconscious.  When people say they have no baggage, you can bet they have as much "baggage" or wounds/issues as any of us, but they haven't figured out what they are and therefore don't moderate them or take responsibility for the outburst that happens when one of these issues gets triggered.

He was very uncool, but I recognize I was irritable from the start.  I am definitely hormonal but also could use some TLC like sitting quietly in nature and doing some drawing or art.  I'm stressed about moving and STILL not having found a place (following some new leads), and I'm lonely too.  Zoey helps but some human companionship would be nice.  My housemate is on his honeymoon for another couple weeks.  It's crazy that shortly after he gets back, everything is going to change.  We will never live together again, and we will never have the conversations over meals on a regular basis like we did for so long.  It's like three years of this and then "poof!" it's over.  Very strange.

To end on a positive note, I have been working out at the Y doing cardio and Zumba classes the past couple of weeks.  I'm so happy to have found the motivation for this!  It feels sooo good and my body feels different already.  I think it will give me greater confidence with dating, even though I do know that there are men out there that would love me just as I am.  Maybe, as mentioned in this post, I will even get to change my description from "average" to "athletic" some time in the future.  :-)