Tahoe 2018

We returned from Tahoe last Sunday. As usual with my family on vacation, there was a lot of alcohol, so we became a little weary of that, but overall, it was a fun, bonding time. We went out on the boat twice, ate some delicious grilled hamburgers and smoked ribs for the Fourth, played a lot on and around our dock, and had a rockin' dance party with the kids. A few other specific highlights I want to remember:

• Making pie filling and decorating for Fourth of July with my oldest niece J. She is 10 now and tends to be very independent, so it was nice to have some time with her.
• Getting up early and kayaking one morning with RC. The water was fairly smooth, the air was cool, and the view of the lake and mountains was expansive. I love kayaking because it brings you down onto the surface of the lake, and it's really fun and easy to paddle and move through the water.
• My sister and brother-in-law brought these huge inflatable lake toys: a big, pink flamingo, which J enjoyed paddling around, and a huge, several-person raft-type inflatable with an area to lie on adjacent to a circular seating area with room for several people and round open area in the middle so your feet could dangle in the water. We tied the big inflatable to the dock and had several dock chairs, as well, so we had a great place to hang out. The kids (and adults) loved jumping off the end of the dock when they got hot or needed some excitement.
• Chatting to my nephew, E, since he tended to be up earlier than anyone else and would hang out and eat breakfast while R and I made coffee.
• Seeing the changes in my littlest niece, D, and what a happy, engaged, and adventurous little girl she is becoming. Loved holding her hand and playing with her in the sand on the hotel beach where we went to visit my sisters friends one day.
• Sipping bloody mary's and watching a world cup game at a nearby resort with my sister and her family. They got us into it, and we are looking forward to watching the finals this weekend.
• RC and I being a team and getting along throughout the trip. He supported me at one point when I had some family "less than" stuff come up, was great with the kids, and generally fit in great with my family. At one point my sister asked me about marriage (which we've talked about a little lately!) and looking at me in a meaningful way, communicating her approval. Very cool and moving to me.

Next post will be about our upcoming fertility procedures. It's getting real, folks!

Holiday Trip! And sleep struggles...

First, some fabulous news: I got a new (used) MacBook!! I didn't realize how much I missed having a laptop computer until I didn't have one for a month, when I had to return the other one to my school. It's my precious and I love it. lol

In other good news, we leave for Tahoe early Tuesday morning. I'm starting to look forward to it. We have our meals and snacks mapped out and are going shopping on Monday. It's a longer drive from here - about six hours - but it will be worth it. Looking forward to seeing my nieces and nephew, playing on the water, and going out on our dock and out on the boat. We usually go out on the boat at least a couple of times and anchor it in a nice spot so we can go swimming, listen to music, eat lunch, etc. Really looking forward to kayaking this year, too, with both my oldest niece and with RC. We will watch the fireworks off the dock again, which is always fun. Hopefully we can get the radio station tuned to the right channel from the get-go this time and not be scrambling. Fireworks are definitely enhanced with the choreographed music.

In relation to this holiday, I want to mention that I am aware that our government is currently engaging in acts and creating policies that I am very much against. I don't associate Fourth of July with all that; I think of it as an opportunity to gather with family. But I am talking to friends, signing petitions and looking for ways to take further action to express my deep disapproval. I'm also starting to look forward to Michael Moore's movie about our current president...

I also wanted to bring up a topic and hope to hear feedback from some of you who are currently in relationships or have dealt with this in the past. So RC and I have been navigating blending our lives and daily routines. I have mentioned my frustrations with not currently having much going on in terms of my own activities. I'm noticing how much I need to feel a sense of purpose and meaning in my life or I start to get depressed or sometimes feel a lot of anxiety. I have taken this out on RC at times, which isn't really fair, but we are talking about it and working through it together. Additionally, he sometimes gets attached to his routines, so he is looking at that and trying to be a little more flexible. This comes up around cooking and eating, but especially around sleep patterns, as sleep is something he seems to have struggled with ever since we started dating and beforehand, as well.

Yesterday, I got mad because it seemed like he was blaming me or our relationship for his getting less sleep, when, in fact, I know it's been a constant issue for him from long before I came along. I think my anger really stemmed from the fact that I have adjusted my own sleep and tv-watching patterns quite a lot to meet his needs around bedtime and sleep (in general, I'm watching way less tv, which is good, but has also been a source of relaxation for me). I am usually a night owl, going to bed around 11:30pm or midnight. Now, we start getting ready for bed at 10:30 or 10:45 and are in bed or asleep by 11. I usually ask him about his sleep and sympathize with his struggles, as well. So when he sounds critical of me or like he's blaming me at some level, it hurts my feelings and frustrates me.

Have you gone through the process of integrating different sleep patterns in a relationship? How did you do it, or what did you find helpful?

Looking forward

Well, I guess I would say things have improved though I continue to feel a little stuck around creating a routine and daily flow that works for me. I think that comes with having a life of my own, which I don't have here after three weeks. RC has mostly come out of his funk, for which I'm grateful.

I'm looking forward to two upcoming trips. The first one is the family trip to Tahoe over the Fourth of July. We're just going for three days, but I'm excited to see everyone and play in the lake, boating and kayaking and swimming, etc.

The second trip is the one RC and I are taking for the first round of treatments at Cal IVF. It turns out the trip is just a little over four hours, but RC has to be there for the sperm extraction surgery at 8:30am so we're going over the night before. While he's in surgery, I'm going to get the required saline sonogram, so I get to have some fun too. lol Even though they are uncomfortable medical procedures, I'm really excited to move forward on our fertility plans!

Oh and I did hear back from the university, and I did not advance. Boo. I'm continuing to search and apply. Yesterday, RC and I made a list of fun and interesting activities we want to do this summer, so I hope we can start getting out and playing more. He does have an interview tomorrow for a weekend job in a local wine tasting room. Fingers crossed for some badly needed savings income. A friend also contacted me out of the blue for career counseling support. I love it when work comes in without even trying.

Tahoe Fourth of July 2017

Back from Tahoe - the whole family did end up staying through the Fourth, though my Dad and his partner left on the third. Some fun experiences I want to remember:

• Making red white and blue chocolate-covered marshmallows with my two oldest nieces. What a mess! But awesome! Always interesting  managing the controlled chaos of a project like this, keeping it upbeat and fun, while trying not to let the kitchen explode in stickiness, and ending up with a product the rest of the family can actually eat. lol
• Dinner with my Dad and his partner, M, on the first night I arrived. It was a beautiful, sunny evening and we sat on the outside deck by the river. We had salads and calamari appetizer, then I had the most delicious sea scallops. I'm enjoying getting to know M and feel pretty comfortable around her now, and we all had good conversation, catching up. We shared humor, too, when my Dad related an article he'd read about a study showing that smiling contributes to good health. If you know my dad, you know he's not a real "smiley" guy.  He was practicing smiling in this big, and unatural-for-him way, and M and I were mirroring him. You probably had to be there but it was pretty funny.
• Going out on the big wood boat the following day. My Dad restored this boat that used to be used in Florida for tours of the Miami Beach area. The boat is appropriately dubbed the "Miami." It provides a more-comfortable-than-average boat ride, and we rode all around the lake looking at various houses and developments along the shore, having a picnic of bagels and coffee, and just enjoying ourselves. Oh, and I was super excited for Zoey to experience her first boat ride! M has a dog that is super passive and mellow so there is no tension and both dogs enjoyed themselves.
• Decorating the house with my niece J for the Fourth of July. This is a tradition that started with her Mima, so it's a little nostalgic but also feels good to carry on. We discussed where to hang various items, and ended up taping small American flags all around the deck railing, which was super cute. J hung red white and blue stars up and down the staircase, and I posted sparkly stars and pinwheels on each dining room chair.
• Swimming and playing in the lake with everyone. We anchored and swam a few times off the speed boat, which has a platform that lowers down slightly into the water off the back and makes it ideal for kids (and adults) to get in and out of the water. I took videos of people holding hands and jumping in to the water together - so cute. We also sat/laid out quite a bit down on the dock, and this year I went kayaking and paddle boarding, too. My niece J and I went kayaking together and we agreed on various goals like paddling around the neighbors sailboat etc. The last time I tried paddle boarding, I used my little sisters paddleboard which was too small for me, and I kept flipping over and falling off. This one was bigger, and though I did have one hilarious feet-in-the-air backwards fall into the water, for the most part I was able to stay upright.
• Watching fireworks on the end of the dock on the Fourth of July. The adults had deck chairs sipping wine and the kids sat on the blankets in front of us, as well as on their parents' laps. We didn't end up taking the boat out like we have in years past… I guess it's been decided that it's just too stressful and dangerous because of all the boat traffic and how dark it is. The fireworks were more distant, but we still had a great time. As a bonus, the accompanying music track was largely made up of artists we have lost in the last year or two – a bit nostalgic but really good music from David Bowie, Prince, George Michael, etc.

Overall, it was a fun and memorable trip, and I am grateful. The usual challenges did come up at times, such as my brother-in-law, and brother to a lesser extent, drinking a lot and creating more of a "party vibe" at times than I would like. A lot of conversations transpiring about money and house remodels and investing. All valid topics, though I prefer more personal conversations. But that's OK, and I had some good conversations on the side.

My brother and I got in a dumb disagreement on the fourth. I wondered why he didn't make me a drink or ask if I wanted one when he made them for others, which led to him criticizing me about not offering him anything (I reminded him of wine I'd shared and he'd forgot the breakfast I made for everyone the day before) or emptying the dishwasher...I don't really understand what he was talking about. I feel like I work hard to contribute and be helpful. In any case, I became really hurt and angry and had to leave and take a breather. We agreed to talk about this exchange more in the coming week or two.

I spent time supervising and caring for the kids sometimes when their parents left to go to the store or do another errand. Caring for three or four kids takes a lot of energy and focus. I admit that emptying the dishwasher was not on my mind during these times. I love my nieces and nephew to the moon and back, but a couple experiences I had this week confirm to me that I hope to have just one child! Regardless, it was good practice for parenting, which does involve juggling a lot of different demands.

Family Time in Tahoe: Wonderful and Awkward

It's been so long since I posted!  In a way, I wanted to wait until something positive had happened on the housing front but nothing significant has happened yet.  The 4th of July week was spent with family in Tahoe.  We spread my Mom's ashes out on the lake and some off the dock at the house, where she loved to have coffee in the morning and sit out in the sun with my Dad.  My Dad said some nice and loving words about Mom and broke down a bit.  I tried to hug him and comfort him at one point, but he is not one to receive much comfort, at least from me.  We all shed a few tears.  For some reason, I felt very protective and loving towards the urn while it had her ashes.  No one else seemed to really feel that, so I was the "bearer of the urn" and held it while the boat was going fast and bumping around.  It did feel like more closure - for all of us I think.

Being with the older kids - J is seven now and E is five - was special and fun of course.  They, especially J, had really planned out the 4th with lots of decorations and cards and brownies sprinkled with an American flag design.  J had special outfits, and they all wore 4th of July pajamas, including little 4-month-old D, my brother's new daughter.  Her older sister, V, is three now, and is much more fun to be around.  She used to cry a lot and only want to be held by her mom and dad.  Now she adores and plays with the older kids and is very brave and acrobatic, doing jumping somersaults on the big couch.  One day, we went out and anchored the boat, then swam around, playing in the water and laying out in the sun.  Fun!  Another day, we drove over to a hotel across the lake and had lunch, then hung out on the beach for a few hours, sipping cocktails while up to our waists in cool water as the kids played and paddled little kayaks around us.

The sadder or more awkward parts of trip: realizing that I felt more of a sense of comfort and belonging with my family without my Mom there. :-( I feel grief and confusion about this.  When my Mom was there, she often responded in prickly or sarcastic ways in the context of everyone being around (except with the kids), and I was generally aware of being a lower-class family member in her eyes; less deserving of respect and love than my two siblings who were her "real" kids.  I  know I have explored this topic before on this blog... I take responsibility for my part in rejecting her attempts to communicate with me when I was a teenager, and even pushing her away more passive-aggressively when I was younger, for reasons I don't fully understand but likely have to do with unresolved grief for my birth mother and that she "wasn't my real mom."

She was definitely much different than my birth mom in terms of emotional intelligence and expressing affection and love, as well as being playful - my birth mom was a teacher and loved kids, loved playing with kids and with me.  Anyway, it must have been hard for her.  And maybe this caused much of the unrelenting awkwardness and rift between us.  I can say that when we were alone the last couple/few years, there were some really nice, comfortable times - caring for the kids, making food, catching up on stuff.  I'm grateful for those times.  But when we were with the whole family, this undercurrent of rejection that I perceived really hurt.  Perhaps I was the proverbial "scapegoat" of the family, and she took out her unhappiness with my Dad on me, to some degree.  I don't know.  My Dad has anger about things that happened between he and I in the past, so they likely bonded over their disapproval at times.  It's not a pretty thing to see or think about.  In any case, this trip there was still the family culture of drinking, and my Dad was still generally focused within and difficult to talk with, but somehow, I felt more relaxed inside and comfortable in my own skin.  I had a "place" in the family, equal to others.

That said, I talked to my Mom at times, expressing regret about how things were with us - that we weren't closer - and telling her I loved her and wished things had been different.  Also, I felt more understanding and appreciation for how much she loved Tahoe and how much effort she put into making it a beautiful place (there are three houses there - the main house, the guest house, and the apartment over the garage - all comfortable and decorated beautifully).  I felt deep sadness that she died too soon, with so much time left on the table in which she could have enjoyed the place.  Life is not fair.

The last awkward part: all my immediate family except my Dad left Sunday, which I didn't know was the plan.  I stayed until Tuesday, and my aunt (the one my Dad has "taken up with") and her son and his wife came on Monday to spend a week there.  Over the weekend, my Dad was obviously thinking about her and texting her.  And sometimes he wasn't present with our family because he was thinking of getting the place ready for them - making sure things were clean, talking about replacing the barbeque, etc.  My sister said something at one point about him being present, which is unlike her, but I'm so glad she did.  I need to tell her that.  Anyway, then they came Monday and... it wasn't as awkward as I thought it might be.  A little weird at times like when she's cooking dinner, like my Mom used to, and my Dad is sitting in his chair watching TV, as he used to.  But we got along fine - she made an effort to be nice it seems - and my cousin and his wife drank a lot, but were comfortable to be around, too.  I even surprised myself by thinking she and my Dad were kind of "cute" at times, like new couples are.  Weird, I know.  It helped that they weren't physically affectionate with one another in front of me.

So that's my Tahoe trip, the good, bad, and ugly.  I'm in the July house-sitting situation now and so far, so good.  It's "rugged" but not as rugged as where I was last month.  I have my own studio room with half bath out back, which is great.  Her neighbor is in the house but is gone a lot, as he lives nearby.  We are sharing the eco-minded house and garden chores, as well as cat care.  This cat is on his last legs for sure.  I hope he makes it until she returns. :-/  I have some stuff to report about my last days at the guy's house but maybe later.  Focusing now on house-hunting and simultaneously praying I get this job I applied for up North...

Sayonara and onward...

Well, it was nice to feel some chemistry, but, yeah, I stopped that train in it's tracks.  On the second date, in the midst of participating in a labyrinth walk and attending an improv show in SF, the pattern of tension and lack of connection leading to a confrontation and "talking it out" continued.  He seemed to be just generally disengaged and fairly arrogant until I called him on it, at which time he woke up and responded pretty well, but who wants to go through that on a regular basis.  Pas moi.

Oh, and btw, he was into "Domin@nt/$ubmissive" sexual relationships, including $&M.  Yes, it's true.  I am open-minded but that would be for a little spice within a committed relationship, not the main agenda from the starting gate.  No thank you.

I'm still feeling hopeful though.  When I get back from Lake Tahoe, where Zoey and I are heading this weekend for another annual family getaway, I am going to post the new pictures I had taken on my profiles and rejoin a dating site I haven't been on in a while.  I'll continue to meet people on the current one, but it will be nice to expand the pool of bachelors. :)  Since reactivating my account, I've gotten a few responses, but won't be able to see them until a rejoin next week.

I'm not sure what it will be like on the trip, with my Mom just having begun another round of chemo treatments.  Please continue to send your good thoughts and prayers.  I'm going to look for ways to help her while I'm there.  Also looking forward to playing with my nieces and nephew and going out on the lake.  Hope you all have a fun Fourth of July with friends and/or family.