As you might have imagined, this last cycle came to an end a couple days ago. I've been feeling physically and emotionally down but not despairing. Maybe I'm kind of numb. I went shopping and to happy hour yesterday, perhaps that says something?
I'm not excited to start this job at all, which sucks. I want to be excited and hopeful. Nervous is normal, but dreading it? What was I thinking applying for a teaching job with junior high school hormone-fueled wild eyed provocateurs kids? Even if it is in career development, a subject I love and love to share.
I'm having nightmare imaginings of kids throwing things and talking loudly and refusing to pay attention or engage with the material at all. Also, that I will have no down time and will feel overwhelmed and completely drained halfway through the day.
I guess the good news is that anything that does actually happen will likely be better than what I'm imagining!
Did I mention I have to be there at the school Tuesday morning at 7:50 a.m. to meet and greet the teachers etc. and then head into our first of SIX class periods at 8:30. Those of you who are teachers will be laughing at me I'm sure. You do this every day.
Sorry for the less than uplifting post. I think I'll be in a better mood later this week. . .
8/30/2011
8/26/2011
The Disappointment Continues
Chalk up two more BFNs in the record book.
This cycle currently stands at 11 dpo. I read on one website that the average day women on the site received a positive HPT was 11.7 dpo. Another site said around 13 dpo. So, I suppose there is still a chance I might get a positive in the next couple of days.
Yesterday, my breasts were quite sore but today less so. I also felt period-like heaviness/tightness in my lower abdomen/back but then again it may have been due to sore back muscles and indigestion. lol You just never know. My temperature is remaining high so far.
If you didn't see the relationship questions in the last post, please take a look and respond if you have the time/inclination. Inquiring minds want to know! If I get a few responses, I will write a summary post. You can email me if you are more comfortable, and I can keep your name confidential.
I'm looking forward to going out to pizza with sh/cm tonight. That has become one of our 2ww rituals, usually during the last few days of my cycle (anyone else have rituals to help get through stressful times or is it just me?).
Then Sunday, after I go to my ecstatic dance group and sh/cm goes to his krav maga workout, we are heading to a local park with some of my dance peeps to chill together at this festival.
Next weekend, we are going down to San Diego for Labor Day weekend to meet his brother, his brother's wife, and their two boys. I'm really looking forward to getting to know his brother, as they were and are very close, partly due to weathering the difficulties of divorce and a mean stepfather together.
Anyone else have Labor Day plans they are looking forward to?
In October, we will swing the other direction and visit my fam up in Oregon. More on that at a later time.
For now, I shall bravely return to face the short remainder of this 2ww!
This cycle currently stands at 11 dpo. I read on one website that the average day women on the site received a positive HPT was 11.7 dpo. Another site said around 13 dpo. So, I suppose there is still a chance I might get a positive in the next couple of days.
Yesterday, my breasts were quite sore but today less so. I also felt period-like heaviness/tightness in my lower abdomen/back but then again it may have been due to sore back muscles and indigestion. lol You just never know. My temperature is remaining high so far.
If you didn't see the relationship questions in the last post, please take a look and respond if you have the time/inclination. Inquiring minds want to know! If I get a few responses, I will write a summary post. You can email me if you are more comfortable, and I can keep your name confidential.
I'm looking forward to going out to pizza with sh/cm tonight. That has become one of our 2ww rituals, usually during the last few days of my cycle (anyone else have rituals to help get through stressful times or is it just me?).
Then Sunday, after I go to my ecstatic dance group and sh/cm goes to his krav maga workout, we are heading to a local park with some of my dance peeps to chill together at this festival.
Next weekend, we are going down to San Diego for Labor Day weekend to meet his brother, his brother's wife, and their two boys. I'm really looking forward to getting to know his brother, as they were and are very close, partly due to weathering the difficulties of divorce and a mean stepfather together.
Anyone else have Labor Day plans they are looking forward to?
In October, we will swing the other direction and visit my fam up in Oregon. More on that at a later time.
For now, I shall bravely return to face the short remainder of this 2ww!
8/24/2011
HPT/Relationship Results
I took my first HPT today. B - F - N
I didn't really expect much more for 9 days post-ovulation (dpo) and not experiencing any blatant signs, as of yet. In previous cycles, if I took an HPT at all, it was later in the cycle, when it was more likely to be accurate.
But this time, I decided that I would take a completely different approach and test every day, starting at 9 dpo. My thinking is that I will not be as disappointed with early negatives. Also, it gives me something active and real on which to focus, when I can so easily slip into overanalyzing every little non-symptom.
Speaking of which, what I've felt so far, pregnancy related or not: sharp twinge-like cramps on the right lower side of uterus at 4 dpo; breast soreness, especially the last few days; lighter twinges on right lower side of uterus, as well as slightly higher on left side, yesterday; a low-grade but persistent headache on 3 and especially 6 dpo.
So, nothing too out of this world definitive and exciting. I will report on whether anything changes and on the daily test results. My cycle usually ends on day 28, but this cycle had a short pre-ovulation phase so I'm guessing it will end at 26 days, though still 13/14 dpo.
Another topic on my mind, stemming from my relationship with sh/cm, regards the 80/20 rule. Have you heard of this? Apparently, in most working relationships, about 80% is good and about 20% is not so good.
I'm curious, first about whether this is true for all my friends/acquaintances (both online and off) who are in working relationships (have been together more than a few months and would say they are in a "long-term" relationship). If not, what IS the percentage ratio?
And second, what is the approximately 80% and 20% each comprised of? For instance, do most people seem to more highly value the sexual side of the relationship or the friendship side? This could be further divided into the four quadrants: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. Where do each of these four quadrants tend to fall in that 80/20 split?
And then I can analyze what, if any, patterns emerge. . .
Or perhaps every partnership is unique and the results will fall all over the map?
If those of you who are in long-term relationships would be willing to share your thoughts on these questions, I would appreciate it. Then, I can add mine, compile, and summarize the results back through this blog. I plan to keep asking people until I collect answers from approximately 20-30 people.
I don't want to share too much yet about my own answers, except to say that my relationship with sh/cm is not perfect. I know that no relationship is perfect, and I'm reflecting on whether I believe ours is perfect enough. It's the best relationship I have had, and definitely the most intimate in all quadrants. We continue to grow, both in the relationship and individually.
But, ironically, my relationship with the old flame was stronger in the one area that is challenging in some ways for me with sh/cm. So I have this recent situation that was so much worse in almost all areas, yet mocks me with it's perfection in this one area. :-/
Any feedback or thoughts welcome!
I didn't really expect much more for 9 days post-ovulation (dpo) and not experiencing any blatant signs, as of yet. In previous cycles, if I took an HPT at all, it was later in the cycle, when it was more likely to be accurate.
But this time, I decided that I would take a completely different approach and test every day, starting at 9 dpo. My thinking is that I will not be as disappointed with early negatives. Also, it gives me something active and real on which to focus, when I can so easily slip into overanalyzing every little non-symptom.
Speaking of which, what I've felt so far, pregnancy related or not: sharp twinge-like cramps on the right lower side of uterus at 4 dpo; breast soreness, especially the last few days; lighter twinges on right lower side of uterus, as well as slightly higher on left side, yesterday; a low-grade but persistent headache on 3 and especially 6 dpo.
So, nothing too out of this world definitive and exciting. I will report on whether anything changes and on the daily test results. My cycle usually ends on day 28, but this cycle had a short pre-ovulation phase so I'm guessing it will end at 26 days, though still 13/14 dpo.
Another topic on my mind, stemming from my relationship with sh/cm, regards the 80/20 rule. Have you heard of this? Apparently, in most working relationships, about 80% is good and about 20% is not so good.
I'm curious, first about whether this is true for all my friends/acquaintances (both online and off) who are in working relationships (have been together more than a few months and would say they are in a "long-term" relationship). If not, what IS the percentage ratio?
And second, what is the approximately 80% and 20% each comprised of? For instance, do most people seem to more highly value the sexual side of the relationship or the friendship side? This could be further divided into the four quadrants: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. Where do each of these four quadrants tend to fall in that 80/20 split?
And then I can analyze what, if any, patterns emerge. . .
Or perhaps every partnership is unique and the results will fall all over the map?
If those of you who are in long-term relationships would be willing to share your thoughts on these questions, I would appreciate it. Then, I can add mine, compile, and summarize the results back through this blog. I plan to keep asking people until I collect answers from approximately 20-30 people.
I don't want to share too much yet about my own answers, except to say that my relationship with sh/cm is not perfect. I know that no relationship is perfect, and I'm reflecting on whether I believe ours is perfect enough. It's the best relationship I have had, and definitely the most intimate in all quadrants. We continue to grow, both in the relationship and individually.
But, ironically, my relationship with the old flame was stronger in the one area that is challenging in some ways for me with sh/cm. So I have this recent situation that was so much worse in almost all areas, yet mocks me with it's perfection in this one area. :-/
Any feedback or thoughts welcome!
8/19/2011
Land of the Two Week Wait
Checking in from the Land of the Two Week Wait.
I started using Fertility Friend this month and have found it helpful - and fun! I enjoy overlaying my chart on others' BFP charts (especially those over 35-years-old) and seeing how things align.
It looks as if I ovulated two days early this month for some reason; possibly the acupuncture and supplements having an impact? In any case, due to this fact, we barely caught the peak window.
In looking back at the ovulation signs. . . My ovulation predictor was already positive when I first tested on Monday morning, and I'm imagining would have showed a first positive on Sunday. My temperature dipped Monday and then rose Tuesday, indicating I probably did ovulate sometime Monday. Sorry to those of you who are bored with these details! :)
We tried on Monday and Tuesday, but I feel Tuesday was likely too late. We also tried the previous Thursday, which may have helped if ovulation was early. Do those of you that have ttc'd and charted your basal temperature find that your temp rises predictably the day after ovulation? I think that's usually the case.
And finally, I want to report my first hopeful 2ww sign: I felt several sharp twinges in what I think was the right side of my uterus just after I got into bed last night. All in the same place and all the same sharp, pointed, twinge-like feeling. We will see if any more positive signs follow.
Anyway, enough of the 2ww madness for now, though I'm sure I'll have more to share later. ;-)
8/13/2011
TTC, Relationship, and Work Updates
Checking in today with what's on my mind. . .
Sh/cm and I are heading in to another week of trying to conceive. I plan to start ovu testing tomorrow. Feeling like next month might be a better month but also excited to try again. Added supports this time around include starting acupuncture a couple weeks ago and taking these supplements for about a month.
It's harder with sh/cm working full-time, but we have sleepover plans every other day. He's noticeably more tired during the week now (he is also working on writing projects in the evening), so we will see how it goes!
Also, our relationship continues to progress. It feels deeper and more "real" than it has ever been (and than I have experienced in other previous relationships). We are communicating a lot about communication. About my pattern of saying things more strongly than I should in moments of emotional overwhelm, and how he withdraws and goes into his head/analysis versus heart at times in reaction to my communication.
I realized I've assumed I should be able to express things strongly in the moment and be forgiven due to my being "triggered," but that is not taking full responsibility for how what I say affects him and others. He is realizing he has some strong "shoulds" in his head and can take communication very literally, then struggle to forgive (if any of you are familiar with Myers-Briggs Personality Indicator, he is an INTP and I am an INFP, so some of this related to the way we make decisions).
The good news is that we have been able to move through stuckness so far, communicate openly, at least after a while, and regain our warmth and closeness. We are falling into old patterns less often now, as well, though we still have work to do. I feel closer and closer to him, which is encouraging to me.
Moving on to work developments. . . I started training for my new part-time job last week. Completed and turned in the LOAD of HR paperwork and will be meeting with the HR representative Monday morning to approve it and assure all the i's are dotted and t's crossed.
Received a worrisome voicemail from my boss yesterday asking me to confirm I have a "Counseling Degree." We talked about my education and qualifications, so I'm hoping this is not going to turn into an issue. I have a Masters in Psychology, Integrative Studies, which combined theatre and psychology. My coursework included all the required psychology coursework, however, AND my degree focus was teaching/facilitating career exploration workshops. Totally related to this position teaching career exploration curriculum in schools (plus all my experience working with high school youth). Wish me luck! It would be quite a disappointment if this job doesn't go forward.
Finally, I am very sad this week hearing about newly discovered medical problems with the infants of two mom bloggers I read. Please send thoughts and prayers to Claire and Shannon that their precious babies get the highest quality care and have the best possible outcomes.
Sh/cm and I are heading in to another week of trying to conceive. I plan to start ovu testing tomorrow. Feeling like next month might be a better month but also excited to try again. Added supports this time around include starting acupuncture a couple weeks ago and taking these supplements for about a month.
It's harder with sh/cm working full-time, but we have sleepover plans every other day. He's noticeably more tired during the week now (he is also working on writing projects in the evening), so we will see how it goes!
Also, our relationship continues to progress. It feels deeper and more "real" than it has ever been (and than I have experienced in other previous relationships). We are communicating a lot about communication. About my pattern of saying things more strongly than I should in moments of emotional overwhelm, and how he withdraws and goes into his head/analysis versus heart at times in reaction to my communication.
I realized I've assumed I should be able to express things strongly in the moment and be forgiven due to my being "triggered," but that is not taking full responsibility for how what I say affects him and others. He is realizing he has some strong "shoulds" in his head and can take communication very literally, then struggle to forgive (if any of you are familiar with Myers-Briggs Personality Indicator, he is an INTP and I am an INFP, so some of this related to the way we make decisions).
The good news is that we have been able to move through stuckness so far, communicate openly, at least after a while, and regain our warmth and closeness. We are falling into old patterns less often now, as well, though we still have work to do. I feel closer and closer to him, which is encouraging to me.
Moving on to work developments. . . I started training for my new part-time job last week. Completed and turned in the LOAD of HR paperwork and will be meeting with the HR representative Monday morning to approve it and assure all the i's are dotted and t's crossed.
Received a worrisome voicemail from my boss yesterday asking me to confirm I have a "Counseling Degree." We talked about my education and qualifications, so I'm hoping this is not going to turn into an issue. I have a Masters in Psychology, Integrative Studies, which combined theatre and psychology. My coursework included all the required psychology coursework, however, AND my degree focus was teaching/facilitating career exploration workshops. Totally related to this position teaching career exploration curriculum in schools (plus all my experience working with high school youth). Wish me luck! It would be quite a disappointment if this job doesn't go forward.
Finally, I am very sad this week hearing about newly discovered medical problems with the infants of two mom bloggers I read. Please send thoughts and prayers to Claire and Shannon that their precious babies get the highest quality care and have the best possible outcomes.
8/05/2011
Cycle Day 1
Grrrr.
Disappointing, but not surprising. This cycle just didn't feel "active," like anything was happening.
I have had a couple of early chemical pregnancies that didn't stick (as well as a bit later miscarriage a few years ago, but that's a post for another day), and I feel like I notice subtle conception feelings in my body.
People say every cycle is different, and sometimes you just don't know, but I find it hard to believe I would have no clue at this point. Wouldn't mind being proven wrong!
Looking forward to this weekend. . .
Tonight, we are having dinner at the restaurant near where sh/cm lives called "Crepevine," where we had several of our early dates. For a variety of reasons, we haven't been lately, but tonight I am very much looking forward to a glass of red wine and one of their famous gourmet burgers.
Sunday, we are starting the day with one of my favorite weekend activities, a trip to the Farmer's Market, and then heading off to a workshop called, "The Workshop Workshop." Yep, I just said workshop three times in one sentence. hehe It's about creating an impactful workshop in your area of expertise, building from the ground up.
I hope to expand my workshop creation/facilitation abilities beyond past interactive theatre and book-based workshops and bring some new techniques on board. Potential for solo work, money making, career and self development content, Transition Town/localization/sustainability work, partnering with local organizations, etc. Woo hoo!
What are your weekend plans?
Disappointing, but not surprising. This cycle just didn't feel "active," like anything was happening.
I have had a couple of early chemical pregnancies that didn't stick (as well as a bit later miscarriage a few years ago, but that's a post for another day), and I feel like I notice subtle conception feelings in my body.
People say every cycle is different, and sometimes you just don't know, but I find it hard to believe I would have no clue at this point. Wouldn't mind being proven wrong!
Looking forward to this weekend. . .
Tonight, we are having dinner at the restaurant near where sh/cm lives called "Crepevine," where we had several of our early dates. For a variety of reasons, we haven't been lately, but tonight I am very much looking forward to a glass of red wine and one of their famous gourmet burgers.
Sunday, we are starting the day with one of my favorite weekend activities, a trip to the Farmer's Market, and then heading off to a workshop called, "The Workshop Workshop." Yep, I just said workshop three times in one sentence. hehe It's about creating an impactful workshop in your area of expertise, building from the ground up.
I hope to expand my workshop creation/facilitation abilities beyond past interactive theatre and book-based workshops and bring some new techniques on board. Potential for solo work, money making, career and self development content, Transition Town/localization/sustainability work, partnering with local organizations, etc. Woo hoo!
What are your weekend plans?
8/03/2011
Cycle Update, with Garlic on the Side
Thanks you to those who commented about your supplements: it sounds like I am on the same page with many of you, and I also learned a couple of things!
So, this cycle looks to be a bust. I haven't had any twinges or implantation spotting or really any other signs to speak of. I've been tired but have also been going to bed late.
I do wonder about the effects of the supplements, though, and perhaps my body taking time to get used to them. Curious if any of you noticed any reactions or differences in your cycle after starting supplements?
A couple specific new effects I've noticed: first, this is a weird one, but my face, especially around my mouth/lips, has felt little surges of tingling; and second, my basal temperature kept climbing after ovulation to 98.2 and hung out for three days, whereas it has recently been rising to only 97.9 and staying there. A couple of days ago, it did come back down and settle at 97.9.
I've also had a few deep feeling twinges/pain in my breasts, but that is likely just PMS stuff.
Feeling absolutely nothing from the uterus area.
My cycle is due to end Thursday or Friday, so I guess I'll know for sure then.
On a happy, hopeful note, I started acupuncture today, and I love my acupuncturist! I kept falling asleep on the table and felt a couple of energy surges that really made it seem that something was happening. My plan is to go weekly; mostly for community "chair" sessions, but do one private session with needles in abdomen around ovulation.
Did I mention sh/cm is paying for this? Loving. Him.
Speaking of sh/cm, we went to the Gilroy Garlic Festival over the weekend, and he met one of my closest friends from San Luis Obispo for the first time.
She shocked me by showing up without her boyfriend of several years, saying they had just broken up the previous weekend. I was so sad for her because everything she has said about him, as well as the way that they were when they were together, indicated he was the "one" for her. It's a complicated situation, and she hopes they will eventually end up back together, as do I.
But sh/cm really shone in this circumstance; rolling with the surprise of it being three versus four of us (definitely changes the dynamic) and being very supportive and giving a "guy's perspective" when she shared some thoughts and feelings with both of us at the end of the day (she and I also talked about it privately earlier when sh/cm was out getting drinks/food).
We took some pictures together, which turned out really well. We danced and looked at arts and crafts. We walked around, basking in the sun and the general diverse, "good vibe" friendliness of the place.
When my friend sent me the pictures, I thought, "Wow, is that us? We really look like a couple!" hehe
We have also had a couple different areas, one for him and one for me, where we've gotten emotionally "triggered" lately. But I think I will share about that in another post. . .
So, this cycle looks to be a bust. I haven't had any twinges or implantation spotting or really any other signs to speak of. I've been tired but have also been going to bed late.
I do wonder about the effects of the supplements, though, and perhaps my body taking time to get used to them. Curious if any of you noticed any reactions or differences in your cycle after starting supplements?
A couple specific new effects I've noticed: first, this is a weird one, but my face, especially around my mouth/lips, has felt little surges of tingling; and second, my basal temperature kept climbing after ovulation to 98.2 and hung out for three days, whereas it has recently been rising to only 97.9 and staying there. A couple of days ago, it did come back down and settle at 97.9.
I've also had a few deep feeling twinges/pain in my breasts, but that is likely just PMS stuff.
Feeling absolutely nothing from the uterus area.
My cycle is due to end Thursday or Friday, so I guess I'll know for sure then.
On a happy, hopeful note, I started acupuncture today, and I love my acupuncturist! I kept falling asleep on the table and felt a couple of energy surges that really made it seem that something was happening. My plan is to go weekly; mostly for community "chair" sessions, but do one private session with needles in abdomen around ovulation.
Did I mention sh/cm is paying for this? Loving. Him.
Speaking of sh/cm, we went to the Gilroy Garlic Festival over the weekend, and he met one of my closest friends from San Luis Obispo for the first time.
She shocked me by showing up without her boyfriend of several years, saying they had just broken up the previous weekend. I was so sad for her because everything she has said about him, as well as the way that they were when they were together, indicated he was the "one" for her. It's a complicated situation, and she hopes they will eventually end up back together, as do I.
But sh/cm really shone in this circumstance; rolling with the surprise of it being three versus four of us (definitely changes the dynamic) and being very supportive and giving a "guy's perspective" when she shared some thoughts and feelings with both of us at the end of the day (she and I also talked about it privately earlier when sh/cm was out getting drinks/food).
We took some pictures together, which turned out really well. We danced and looked at arts and crafts. We walked around, basking in the sun and the general diverse, "good vibe" friendliness of the place.
When my friend sent me the pictures, I thought, "Wow, is that us? We really look like a couple!" hehe
We have also had a couple different areas, one for him and one for me, where we've gotten emotionally "triggered" lately. But I think I will share about that in another post. . .
7/27/2011
All You Ever Wanted to Know About My Fertility Supplements
I am sitting here in the "2 week wait" and, needless to say, my mind keeps wandering back to conception topics! So I am just going to go with it and write a post about the fertility supplements I'm taking.
If any of you are currently taking supplements and would be willing to share information or feedback in the comments section, I would love to hear it!
In addition to my synthroid for my hypothyroid condition, I take three other supplements when I get up in the morning:
2 Rainbow Light Organic Prenatal Vitamins
1 Natural Factors 400 mg Coenzyme Q10 soft gel (I have seen 600 mg recommended also)
1 Golden Emperor Royal Jelly capsule (2 might be a bit better but I'm taking 1)
With lunch, I take:
50 mg Pure Encapsulations DHEA capsules
1 (1000 mg) Nordic Naturals Omega-3 Purified Fish Oil soft gel
Later in the day, around evening time, I take a baby aspirin. I have no scientific reason for taking the baby aspirin separately; it just seemed like it might get lost with all the rest!
I wanted to share a bit about how I chose my supplements:
Prenatals are generally a given to assure an optimum level of vitamins and minerals, but I like that mine are made with organic fruits and vegetables.
Regarding the lesser-used supplements, on several websites, I read about many women following their doctors recommendations with regard to a certain protocol of supplements for fertility purposes. Although I recognize that not everyone would be comfortable with this, I felt comfortable enough to follow what was most frequently recommended.
Because I am 42, egg quality is obviously a concern and DHEA and COQ10 have shown some promising results in this department. The DHEA study often referenced shows clearly improved pregnancy results after taking 75 mg for 90 days. Because of the potential for side effects, and because I saw others taking it at this level, I chose to stay with 50 mg for now.
COQ10 has only been studied in mice (!) regarding egg quality (a prior study showed that it increased male fertility) and yet the results were so promising - and I think doctors are seeing results in their patients - that it seems to be commonly recommended now.
In reading more closely, I think I should be taking the Royal Jelly with bee pollen. Any thoughts on this? There seem to be many positive effects of bee products, including fertility, and no real downside - unless you are allergic to bees!
Omega-3 Fish Oil is so commonly used now to support fertility. Reasons cited include hormone regulation and increased fertile cervical fluid. A few years ago when I was actively trying to conceive using IUIs, I was seeing an acupuncturist who recommended it, so I felt confident adding it to the regimen.
And finally, an added benefit of taking supplements: I can take action and have some effect on something which, for the most part, feels entirely out of my control!
7/21/2011
Taking My OPKs to Tiburon
Writing this post from my hotel room in Tiburon. Jacuzzi tub to my left, beneath expansive windows looking out onto a beautiful courtyard. Later, we will be taking the ferry out to Angel Island, and I'm looking forward to having a lunch of oysters and maybe a glass of wine.
Looking in from another perspective, I have six bottles of supplements, a basal thermometer, and a temperature chart on my nightstand, as well as an OPK on the table showing a clear surge as of this morning.
Perfect timing for our conception getaway!
7/15/2011
Summer of Slither
First the boring job report: I was hoping to have final news on my second job to share in this post, but unfortunately I have not heard anything back yet. At the end of the interview last week, they said they would let me know by the end of this week, so that may not be a good sign.
She did request my references last Friday and received them on Monday but has not called them yet (I checked with one of them today). What do you think that indicates? I guess I will contact her later on Monday if I haven't heard anything by then.
On the relationship front, Sh/cm and I have continued to see a lot of one another. We had a bit of drama last week when I went solo to a friend's birthday gathering and one of the guys there was someone I had expressed interest in a few months ago when he attended one of our Interplay performances.
Apparently, K (the birthday girl, one of my Interplay friends, and my NVC group leader) told him at the time but we never connected. He ended up going out with another one of our Interplay friends, and then I got together with the old flame.
Anyway, that wouldn't be so dramatic except that this guy took a liking to me and had some hopes about asking me out, which he proceeded to express in his NVC men's group, of which sh/cm is a member.
It's amazing how much someone can apparently read into an elevator ride and walking to a car.
So sh/cm was telling me about this guy and I realized who it was and of course told him, completely triggering him into some old jealousy/mistrust issues. We finally got it straightened out but it was a pain.
On a happier note, we are going to see the "Snakes and Lizards, Summer of Slither" show at the California Academy of Sciences tomorrow. I can't wait!
My love affair with lizards goes way back and is half the reason I love to go hiking in the desert. Also, I should mention I have a lizard tattoo (symbolically representing transformation. . . but also my love of lizards!) on my left inside ankle.
And, finally, a rather large confession: he and I have decided to go "au natural" in the birth control department, as in we have talked about it and decided we would both be okay, more than okay, if our admittedly older eggs/sperm should happen to find one another and unite.
We actually have a conception getaway planned for mid next week. . .
I know it's a bit crazy with the newness and me not having a sustainable income nailed down yet. But on the positive side, he does well financially as a writer and I do have insurance coverage.
As they say, more shall be revealed. . .
She did request my references last Friday and received them on Monday but has not called them yet (I checked with one of them today). What do you think that indicates? I guess I will contact her later on Monday if I haven't heard anything by then.
On the relationship front, Sh/cm and I have continued to see a lot of one another. We had a bit of drama last week when I went solo to a friend's birthday gathering and one of the guys there was someone I had expressed interest in a few months ago when he attended one of our Interplay performances.
Apparently, K (the birthday girl, one of my Interplay friends, and my NVC group leader) told him at the time but we never connected. He ended up going out with another one of our Interplay friends, and then I got together with the old flame.
Anyway, that wouldn't be so dramatic except that this guy took a liking to me and had some hopes about asking me out, which he proceeded to express in his NVC men's group, of which sh/cm is a member.
It's amazing how much someone can apparently read into an elevator ride and walking to a car.
So sh/cm was telling me about this guy and I realized who it was and of course told him, completely triggering him into some old jealousy/mistrust issues. We finally got it straightened out but it was a pain.
On a happier note, we are going to see the "Snakes and Lizards, Summer of Slither" show at the California Academy of Sciences tomorrow. I can't wait!
My love affair with lizards goes way back and is half the reason I love to go hiking in the desert. Also, I should mention I have a lizard tattoo (symbolically representing transformation. . . but also my love of lizards!) on my left inside ankle.
And, finally, a rather large confession: he and I have decided to go "au natural" in the birth control department, as in we have talked about it and decided we would both be okay, more than okay, if our admittedly older eggs/sperm should happen to find one another and unite.
We actually have a conception getaway planned for mid next week. . .
I know it's a bit crazy with the newness and me not having a sustainable income nailed down yet. But on the positive side, he does well financially as a writer and I do have insurance coverage.
As they say, more shall be revealed. . .
7/07/2011
Job Update
In brief: Did not take the One Stop job. Was offered the a-lot-higher-then-I've-ever-been-paid, 10-hour-per-week teaching junior high career exploration classes job and accepted. Knocked out a second interview with the Green Jobs program today and feel happy with my performance. Will find out the results at the end of next week. Happy! :-)
p.s. Looking back, my "Taking the Leap" post was confusingly positive about the One Stop job, I realize, yet looking back, I see that I had conflicted feelings about it which did not go away . . .
Also, hosted my Non-Violent Communication group (the half that could make it) at my house tonight and had a fun time meditating/checking in (yes, meditating can be fun! or at least enjoyable), watching NVC videos on you.tube, and playing the NVC card game called "GROK." My social connection well is full!
p.s. Looking back, my "Taking the Leap" post was confusingly positive about the One Stop job, I realize, yet looking back, I see that I had conflicted feelings about it which did not go away . . .
Also, hosted my Non-Violent Communication group (the half that could make it) at my house tonight and had a fun time meditating/checking in (yes, meditating can be fun! or at least enjoyable), watching NVC videos on you.tube, and playing the NVC card game called "GROK." My social connection well is full!
7/02/2011
Go with Your Gut
Sorry for my absence. I have felt stuck around the job situation, and in a way not wanted to hold the situation up to the public light.
It seems like I've been incubating it, rolling it around in my mind, as I keep inching forward on multiple fronts.
As of now, I am scheduled to begin the job with the Career Center on Wednesday and have even gone so far as getting my fingerprints taken, TB test done, and HR paperwork signed. But I'm still not on board.
You see, I was also called for a second interview with a green jobs training/employment program in Berkeley (which would mean no commute!).
During the first interview, I loved the feeling of the organization; it was my kind of place. And I really liked the people, too. Looking at their bios, it's no wonder, as we seem to have much in common and, perhaps most importantly, similar values.
This job, too, is federally funded, but it has less than half of the caseload the other one does and seems smaller scale, more team-oriented, less bureaucratic.
I would be doing similar work with the clients, but they all would be part of the green jobs training program, which I'm thinking would be: more centralized and easily managed in terms of connecting with clients; AND an inroad into green career counseling (which is the wave of the future, don't you know).
The problem - and ironically an aspect that makes it a better fit due to caseload - is that it's half-time.
I interviewed for another part-time position, and with the two combined incomes, I could create a sustainable living. But I haven't heard back from that interview yet. And I do have more doubts about that job in terms of fit. Career exploration classes with junior high school students; can you say "scary"?
Every day, I've been scouring the job sites hoping to snag another part-time opportunity, but no luck yet.
Talking to my brother tonight, I asked him if he had been in a similar position - feeling you should do something, yet feeling strong fear - and how he handled it. He said in situations like that, he tends to "go with his gut." When he said that, I felt a "yes" inside, and I know that is what I need to do, as well.
But, then, that is scary too!
It seems like I've been incubating it, rolling it around in my mind, as I keep inching forward on multiple fronts.
As of now, I am scheduled to begin the job with the Career Center on Wednesday and have even gone so far as getting my fingerprints taken, TB test done, and HR paperwork signed. But I'm still not on board.
You see, I was also called for a second interview with a green jobs training/employment program in Berkeley (which would mean no commute!).
During the first interview, I loved the feeling of the organization; it was my kind of place. And I really liked the people, too. Looking at their bios, it's no wonder, as we seem to have much in common and, perhaps most importantly, similar values.
This job, too, is federally funded, but it has less than half of the caseload the other one does and seems smaller scale, more team-oriented, less bureaucratic.
I would be doing similar work with the clients, but they all would be part of the green jobs training program, which I'm thinking would be: more centralized and easily managed in terms of connecting with clients; AND an inroad into green career counseling (which is the wave of the future, don't you know).
The problem - and ironically an aspect that makes it a better fit due to caseload - is that it's half-time.
I interviewed for another part-time position, and with the two combined incomes, I could create a sustainable living. But I haven't heard back from that interview yet. And I do have more doubts about that job in terms of fit. Career exploration classes with junior high school students; can you say "scary"?
Every day, I've been scouring the job sites hoping to snag another part-time opportunity, but no luck yet.
Talking to my brother tonight, I asked him if he had been in a similar position - feeling you should do something, yet feeling strong fear - and how he handled it. He said in situations like that, he tends to "go with his gut." When he said that, I felt a "yes" inside, and I know that is what I need to do, as well.
But, then, that is scary too!
6/23/2011
Taking the Leap
Sorry for the rather crass title of my last post; I guess I was in a feisty mood.
So I was definitely offered the job as Employment Specialist with the One Stop Career Center.
Before I got the call, my plan was to ask for a couple days to think about it. As the call actually happened, I heard myself saying that, "Yes, I am definitely still interested," and accepting the position.
The next step will be meeting with Human Resources on Monday to complete new hire paperwork and review the benefit package.
Why did I say "yes" when I had so much fear up around this position?
Well, honestly a big part of that answer is the salary, which she quoted as about $10,000 more than I thought I would be hearing.
Also, I really like her (my supervisor) so far, feel a good energy with her, and wanted to keep that going.
If something else comes up or I decide to go in another direction, I can change my mind, but overall it makes sense to me that I go forward for now and give it a try.
Am I still worried about failing? about half of the job focusing on paperwork, data entry, and reporting requirements? Yes! I am!
But there are enough positives to warrant taking the risk: i.e. nice people, compatible supervisory style (from what I can tell), higher salary than I have ever received, and the other half of the job made up of tasks I am good at and enjoy.
Not to mention that I have been out of work for longer than looks good on a resume or in interviews.
There are other options out there but no absolutes yet, so I am taking things as they come and making decisions in the moment based on the information I have.
Does this make sense? I hope so!
The job is scheduled to start after the Fourth of July weekend, July 6th . . .
So I was definitely offered the job as Employment Specialist with the One Stop Career Center.
Before I got the call, my plan was to ask for a couple days to think about it. As the call actually happened, I heard myself saying that, "Yes, I am definitely still interested," and accepting the position.
The next step will be meeting with Human Resources on Monday to complete new hire paperwork and review the benefit package.
Why did I say "yes" when I had so much fear up around this position?
Well, honestly a big part of that answer is the salary, which she quoted as about $10,000 more than I thought I would be hearing.
Also, I really like her (my supervisor) so far, feel a good energy with her, and wanted to keep that going.
If something else comes up or I decide to go in another direction, I can change my mind, but overall it makes sense to me that I go forward for now and give it a try.
Am I still worried about failing? about half of the job focusing on paperwork, data entry, and reporting requirements? Yes! I am!
But there are enough positives to warrant taking the risk: i.e. nice people, compatible supervisory style (from what I can tell), higher salary than I have ever received, and the other half of the job made up of tasks I am good at and enjoy.
Not to mention that I have been out of work for longer than looks good on a resume or in interviews.
There are other options out there but no absolutes yet, so I am taking things as they come and making decisions in the moment based on the information I have.
Does this make sense? I hope so!
The job is scheduled to start after the Fourth of July weekend, July 6th . . .
6/21/2011
Don't Wanna Be Fear's B*tch
On the cusp of this full-time federally-funded case manager job opportunity, and fear is taking me for a ride. On the one hand, I'm afraid of going through the big FAIL again, hearkening back to my last, similarly funded job: the lack of support, the unexpected new grant tripling my caseload, and the escalating nightmare in which I felt unable to succeed.
And on the other hand, I'm afraid of losing equanimity; spiraling into chaos and exhaustion with a full-time job plus a longer commute. I don't think the latter fear would be as strong if this job wasn't federally-funded and, as they admitted in the second interview today, 50 - 60% detail-oriented paperwork and reporting tasks.
It turns out this job also has a caseload of 80 - 100 clients. Granted, they would be adults versus youth and likely much more self-motivated and self-aware, but still I imagine that the career counseling/development process would necessarily be less deep with those kind of numbers.
I have a couple other potential opportunities: as a part-time case manager with a green job training/education organization; and as a part-time career exploration class facilitator for junior high school students (funded through a local community college).
A well-paying part-time job could be a building block to creating multiple income streams, which has been my long-term vision for over 15 years. I've imagined these income streams including career counseling clients, writing a book/e-book/workbook, teaching a class(es), and co-producing social change theatre/dance projects.
Multiple income streams could potentially create more stability/independence, flexibility, and also more excitement. I feel like I've lost myself for years at a time in previous jobs, then come out the other side wondering where all the time went.
Maybe because these jobs were not a great fit, but they seemed to suck my lifeforce and leave me with little energy for anything else of substance. Sounds so dramatic, ha! Anyway, I'm trying to wrestle with all this and not just react from the fear.
On the relationship front, sh/cm and I are talking a lot and growing closer. Can't remember if I shared that he came with me to my ecstatic dance group a week ago last Sunday. So sweet and endearing when someone goes outside their comfort zone for you.
Also really appreciating sharing a non-violent communication familiarity and using this tool on a regular basis. It makes a big difference when both people are on board, believe me!
When we're together, those waves of strong feeling will wash over me and there's more of a sense that he is "mine." I changed my Face.book status and received nice comments and lots of "likes." Silly, but it made me happy.
I think I will write about my distancing pattern in more detail sometime in the near future, because I would like to hear your thoughts and experiences. It has been such a torment to me over the years. I told sh/cm that if I could cut off a finger and be rid of it, I would. Disturbing, but true.
But overall, the way we deal with it together is reassuring, and we seem to keep getting to the other side and feeling closer.
On a lighter note, I'm looking forward to making banana bread tomorrow with a bunch of aging bananas we have in the fridge.
And going running first (in the morning as it's going to be a scorching day) to burn off the banana bread calories, as well as the Taco Be.ll taco salad I devoured this afternoon!
6/15/2011
Riding the Wave
Beautiful summer day. Housemate is out of town for the next week so feeling spacious in my space. I'm feeling the bullet update today:
This defense has happened in other relationships I've had since completing a 12-step program 10 or so years ago, and I have various theories as to why it happens (more in frontal lobe and less primal in my choices of mate now? or, without the other ways of keeping "safe" and not getting too intimate that I had before the program, my mind came up with this strategy?). But it's a big pain in the you-know-what.
On the positive side, instead of internally battling with myself and feeling distant, I am able to talk about things with sh/cm and we feel closer through doing so. It feels like we are building trust, and I am hoping I might be able to ride this reactive intimacy-defense wave through to the other side for once.
Feeling a lot of gratitude and love for him and our connection, as well as sadness that my psyche is putting myself and him through some challenges right now.
- Things are moving forward with my job opportunity. The supervisor has been in contact via email, checking references and asking me about meeting with the two other caseworkers. Still feeling some fear around this, due to jumping into another federally-funded, full-time job with a commute (40 min), but I believe the supervisor and work environment would be big pluses.
- Moving forward slowly but surely on the green jobs writing project with sh/cm. Meeting about this tomorrow to nail down outline and create a research agenda.
- On other, more personal, fronts with sh/cm, a couple of days ago we officially crossed the line into exclusivity. On the one hand, so exciting to imagine all the things we can enjoy together now and the potential for some big life goals/needs to be met. But on the other hand, immediately after, my intimacy defense mechanism reared it's ugly head, and my brain honed in on a perceived physical flaw, which I won't even give weight too by mentioning. It was literally right after we made that decision.
This defense has happened in other relationships I've had since completing a 12-step program 10 or so years ago, and I have various theories as to why it happens (more in frontal lobe and less primal in my choices of mate now? or, without the other ways of keeping "safe" and not getting too intimate that I had before the program, my mind came up with this strategy?). But it's a big pain in the you-know-what.
On the positive side, instead of internally battling with myself and feeling distant, I am able to talk about things with sh/cm and we feel closer through doing so. It feels like we are building trust, and I am hoping I might be able to ride this reactive intimacy-defense wave through to the other side for once.
Feeling a lot of gratitude and love for him and our connection, as well as sadness that my psyche is putting myself and him through some challenges right now.
6/10/2011
Help! Dating 911
Help!!! I need to go on a date now! No, really, like right now! I know it would be good for me and the situation I am currently navigating with sh/cm.
So wishing there were an insta-date service I could access. I just need a casual, no expectations date - maybe dinner or dancing, home at a reasonable hour, old-fashioned kiss at the door, you know?
Why am I in crisis dating mode?
Well, in light of our fast progression, I told sh/cm that I needed to take a step back from what felt like the "relationship mode" we had entered. He was surprised and a bit upset. We talked things through, reaching what I thought was some understanding, and then got together last night for dinner at his house and a cafe discussion of an e-book project on which we may be collaborating (excited about this).
So at the cafe, we are drinking wine, him a bit faster than me, and he suddenly stops and says he has thought a lot and really wants to tell me something. Dum dum dum dum dum dum DUM!
"I love you."
Aaaach! What!
And if you're thinking this means the "give it another go" with the ex is now logically and automatically off, you would be wrong.
So the night was actually lovely overall, but I questioned why now with the heartfelt expression? He did admit that he was taken off guard by my assertion that I wanted to spend less time together, and this may have influenced the timing.
The authenticity of the expression I do believe, but yes, quite frustrated and confused with the timing. Apparently what I told him about needing things to be less intense didn't land properly.
Anyway, we may see each other tonight at a meeting (if I make it. I'm currently having a glass of wine, sunning on my porch and the meeting is "optional") and have plans to attend my dance fundraiser, a speaker, and have dinner/a business talk on Sunday.
Not sure how to NOT make plans with him when I am excited about seeing him and about so many of the things we could experience together - reptile exhibits (seriously), bar-b-q, wine tasting, activist stuff, dancing classes, etc.
I'm not good at saying no to myself simply because it's the "right thing to do." So I need some external assistance. Please, if you know anyone in the Bay Area, hook me up!
p.s. He did say he is going to see his daughter next weekend, and after this time away, hopes to come to greater clarity and focus on the situation. Awesome.
6/06/2011
Navigating the Relational Rapids
Sorry for the absence. I finished my NaBloPoMo month and slacked off!
Also, I have been spending a lot of time with sh/cm and my housemate has had a couple of friends from out of town staying with us (in our tiny little house). Letting them stay feels good because what a great guy my housemate has been great in so many ways, but I am ready to have my space back.
Sh/cm and I have done many life-enriching activities recently, including wine tasting and lunch in Sonoma, a home-cooked yummy dinner at my house - stuffed red peppers with kale, bacon, and pine nuts - and seeing a couple movies and visiting the Farmer's Market. All of this pretty much in the last week.
We have had some good conversations, too, complete with awareness breakthroughs regarding our defense mechanisms and connections to our pasts.
But I'm not feeling good about things at this moment. Caveat: I am in PMS mode, which often means I don't feel great about much of anything, but there is more to it.
We talked on the phone a few days ago about some things he was saying and doing, such as making reference to a future together and asking if I wanted to stay the night at his house, and how that made things hard for me to keep our situation in "dating" perspective.
He has since stopped some things but not others. The invitations to several things every week keep coming, he started calling me a pet name, and he constantly wants to fool around, to be blunt.
Two things have resulted I believe: one, I'm pissed because I feel disrespected somehow; and two, my intimacy stuff is triggered and I'm judging him a lot (as is my pattern when I get into a relationship with someone).
If we were truly in a relationship, then I think he would be a great person to work on this stuff with, but since we're not, it feels inappropriate or premature. Does that make sense?
I actually just sent him an email saying I wanted to take a step back because I wasn't feeling comfortable with our level of intimacy considering the context. I said I wanted to continue hanging out and getting to know him but without so much intensity.
Hopefully, he will be okay with that, but if not, I'm prepared to lose the fun his presence has been bringing me (though I would be sad about that loss).
Also, I have been spending a lot of time with sh/cm and my housemate has had a couple of friends from out of town staying with us (in our tiny little house). Letting them stay feels good because what a great guy my housemate has been great in so many ways, but I am ready to have my space back.
Sh/cm and I have done many life-enriching activities recently, including wine tasting and lunch in Sonoma, a home-cooked yummy dinner at my house - stuffed red peppers with kale, bacon, and pine nuts - and seeing a couple movies and visiting the Farmer's Market. All of this pretty much in the last week.
We have had some good conversations, too, complete with awareness breakthroughs regarding our defense mechanisms and connections to our pasts.
But I'm not feeling good about things at this moment. Caveat: I am in PMS mode, which often means I don't feel great about much of anything, but there is more to it.
We talked on the phone a few days ago about some things he was saying and doing, such as making reference to a future together and asking if I wanted to stay the night at his house, and how that made things hard for me to keep our situation in "dating" perspective.
He has since stopped some things but not others. The invitations to several things every week keep coming, he started calling me a pet name, and he constantly wants to fool around, to be blunt.
Two things have resulted I believe: one, I'm pissed because I feel disrespected somehow; and two, my intimacy stuff is triggered and I'm judging him a lot (as is my pattern when I get into a relationship with someone).
If we were truly in a relationship, then I think he would be a great person to work on this stuff with, but since we're not, it feels inappropriate or premature. Does that make sense?
I actually just sent him an email saying I wanted to take a step back because I wasn't feeling comfortable with our level of intimacy considering the context. I said I wanted to continue hanging out and getting to know him but without so much intensity.
Hopefully, he will be okay with that, but if not, I'm prepared to lose the fun his presence has been bringing me (though I would be sad about that loss).
5/31/2011
Transformation
Here is a video of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly, to accompany the description in the previous post. I am trying to find a video or animation of the actual process within the cocoon, but no luck yet.
Last night, I went out to dinner and came to an agreement with sh/cm. To create mutuality, we will be "dating" until November, and I will actively seek to date/be dating other people. I fully intend to do this and even updated my online dating profile today. He, on the other hand, will be keeping the door open with his ex during this time, basically dating her too as I see it, even though she lives in England.
I feel okay about doing this for the limited time of a few months, so that we can continue to get to know each other and see how things develop.
Today we went to a yummy Thai lunch - continuing to appreciate how uncommonly easy it is to be/talk with him - and then to the movie, Bridesmaids. If you need a good laugh, I highly recommend it.
5/29/2011
Spiritual Ruminations
Blogger has been giving me hell yesterday and today, or maybe it's my computer, I'm not sure yet. In any case, I haven't been able to post or leave comments. Accessing my blog through another browser seems to have fixed the problem for now.
Yesterday, I reconnected with one of my spiritual teachers, Barbara Marx Hubbard (BMH), and thought I would share a couple of related links for anyone who wants to check them out. The first one is her Facebook site where you can learn more about her and her ideas, books, courses, etc. The second one she posted on her wall. I haven't jumped into it yet, but plan to do so in the near future.
Barbara Marx Hubbard Facebook
Evolutionize Your Life! Michael Dowd & Connie Barlow
One of my favorite concepts from her book Conscious Evolution speaks to the idea of "Imaginal Cells." Imaginal Cells were originally a biological concept within the process of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. As the caterpillar's physical structure breaks down within the cocoon, Imaginal Cells emerge to rebuild the organic matter into the form of a butterfly.
Using this metaphor, BMH talks about our societal structures breaking down at times of evolutionary change and people/orgs emerging in the role of "Imaginal Cells" to recreate something new (more complex/evolved).
When I read this idea in graduate school, I loved the idea of being or being part of an Imaginal Cell. I resonated with the thought that many current societal structures were not working/breaking down, and that, through consciousness and choice, we could take a more active role in our evolution.
There is also a "Gateway" study program BMH offers. I completed the first iteration of this program way back when, on a scholarship. I'm now feeling drawn to spend some more time with my work in this program, with her and other related teachers' ideas and courses, and hope to share my progress periodically on this blog.
Brief sound healing/chocolate man update: We have been having some pretty deep email exchanges. He said he had a "break through" yesterday in one of the NVC workshops of his weekend intensive. I'm trying to keep expectations low, but needless to say am curious as to if/how this relates to our situation.
In considering whether there were any way I might continue spending time with him and feel emotionally comfortable, I have thought about maybe actively seeking to date other people and dating him, while keeping some clear boundaries.
I think that would only work for me, however, within the framework of him dating his ex and dating me (and possibly others), not if he is committed or "in relationship" with his ex. I don't see how we can be "just friends" with the chemistry piece there. . .
But then I'm not sure how it would feel knowing about her plans to come stay with him for a couple of months in November. So this is all fodder for our conversation tonight and/or tomorrow.
I am appreciating his honesty now (after withholding information while on his trip) and find my time and conversations with him are adding a lot to my life. I just would rather not get hurt, you know?
Yesterday, I reconnected with one of my spiritual teachers, Barbara Marx Hubbard (BMH), and thought I would share a couple of related links for anyone who wants to check them out. The first one is her Facebook site where you can learn more about her and her ideas, books, courses, etc. The second one she posted on her wall. I haven't jumped into it yet, but plan to do so in the near future.
Barbara Marx Hubbard Facebook
Evolutionize Your Life! Michael Dowd & Connie Barlow
One of my favorite concepts from her book Conscious Evolution speaks to the idea of "Imaginal Cells." Imaginal Cells were originally a biological concept within the process of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. As the caterpillar's physical structure breaks down within the cocoon, Imaginal Cells emerge to rebuild the organic matter into the form of a butterfly.
Using this metaphor, BMH talks about our societal structures breaking down at times of evolutionary change and people/orgs emerging in the role of "Imaginal Cells" to recreate something new (more complex/evolved).
When I read this idea in graduate school, I loved the idea of being or being part of an Imaginal Cell. I resonated with the thought that many current societal structures were not working/breaking down, and that, through consciousness and choice, we could take a more active role in our evolution.
There is also a "Gateway" study program BMH offers. I completed the first iteration of this program way back when, on a scholarship. I'm now feeling drawn to spend some more time with my work in this program, with her and other related teachers' ideas and courses, and hope to share my progress periodically on this blog.
Brief sound healing/chocolate man update: We have been having some pretty deep email exchanges. He said he had a "break through" yesterday in one of the NVC workshops of his weekend intensive. I'm trying to keep expectations low, but needless to say am curious as to if/how this relates to our situation.
In considering whether there were any way I might continue spending time with him and feel emotionally comfortable, I have thought about maybe actively seeking to date other people and dating him, while keeping some clear boundaries.
I think that would only work for me, however, within the framework of him dating his ex and dating me (and possibly others), not if he is committed or "in relationship" with his ex. I don't see how we can be "just friends" with the chemistry piece there. . .
But then I'm not sure how it would feel knowing about her plans to come stay with him for a couple of months in November. So this is all fodder for our conversation tonight and/or tomorrow.
I am appreciating his honesty now (after withholding information while on his trip) and find my time and conversations with him are adding a lot to my life. I just would rather not get hurt, you know?
5/27/2011
Percolating Emotions
I'm slipping in my NaBloPoMo commitment! I at least want to log a drive-by post today. Lots going on emotionally with the sound healing/chocolate man situation.
We talked things through on the phone for a couple of hours last night, which was really good. We are getting together for lunch on Monday.
He would like to at least be friends and continue to get to know each other right now, and, to that end, we do have a lot in common and really enjoy talking to one another.
But we also have a lot of chemistry.
He's at a Non-Violent Communication weekend training workshop. My NVC group met yesterday evening and it was helpful to process some aspects of the situation with them. I got in touch with some anger and hurt, and needs for mutuality and security. Continuing to percolate. . .
I think our conversation Monday will, at the very least, be interesting!
We talked things through on the phone for a couple of hours last night, which was really good. We are getting together for lunch on Monday.
He would like to at least be friends and continue to get to know each other right now, and, to that end, we do have a lot in common and really enjoy talking to one another.
But we also have a lot of chemistry.
He's at a Non-Violent Communication weekend training workshop. My NVC group met yesterday evening and it was helpful to process some aspects of the situation with them. I got in touch with some anger and hurt, and needs for mutuality and security. Continuing to percolate. . .
I think our conversation Monday will, at the very least, be interesting!
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