The night before last, around 5:30pm, I headed into O@kland to meet up with S for dinner, then possibly join him for a chorale performance in SF. I hadn't decided yet about the chorale performance because that morning he had switched plans on me and, after initially offering to pick me up, asked me to meet him on his side of the E. Bay for dinner, then take rapid transit together into the city. Not a huge deal, except it was raining all day, added to the fact that it's crowded and an often less-than-pleasant assault to the senses on the train, especially on a weekend night. Plus, I didn't know how our dinner and conversation would go, and the added complications to get there just felt a bit overwhelming.
Once I got to dinner and settled in with a glass of wine and tasty food, I started feeling more amenable. Plus, what he had to tell me was very anti-climactic. I can't say in detail what it was... suffice to say it was about a topic that many men think too much about, and his behaviors in this area. He said it in a way that seemed meant to explain and put blame on himself, but I had heard some variation on this theme dozens of times over our years together - and had so many memories that disproved his framing of the situation - that I am sorry to say my response was less than sensitive. I felt like an old, jaded woman shaking my head. lol I said that maybe there was some truth to what he was saying, but that I felt there was a lot more to it. But if he was happy with framing it that way, then I'm happy for him. So that ended up being a minimal part of the evening.
After dinner, we drove to the station and boarded a train, then took an Uber from the station in SF up the hill to the event. It was kind of funny in retrospect that I had been anxious about taking public transportation that night, then several things went wrong, and I think S felt pressure and worry about it. I wasn't aware of it at the time - I knew he was feeling some stress but wasn't sure why.
The difficulties started with the Uber driving by us three times before finally seeing us. Then, S thought the event started a half hour later than it did and the volunteer staffing the door wouldn't let us in for 10 minutes, until the longest old-timey song in history had concluded. I enjoyed the show but it was fairly short and didn't have an intermission with snacks and drinks, which I think makes it more fun. I was also super parched by the end of the night because the church didn't even have drinking fountains and I forgot a water bottle. After the performance, S got a little lost leading us back to the station, and we meandered through some empty (except for a few homeless folks) and litter-strewn blocks of the city only to wait in a crowded sweatbox of a platform area for 20 minutes until our next train came. He was clearly super anxious by that time, and I said something about it. He admitted it, which broke the tension. I reassured him, and he me - which we rarely did when in relationship.
I should probably share that I think part of his anxiety also came from us holding hands on the way to the station and in the chorale event... I inquired about it initially, and he said that he was not in a committed relationship with the ex and things were uncertain. He brought up that he'd filled out a profile on J-date to prove his point (and no he is not Jewish). For my part, it just felt natural and nice. I don't want to get back together, so in a way it felt more light and "just for fun," which I've rarely felt. We talked a lot about our families and caught up with each other, including my adoption plans.
At the end of the night, we got our cars and he followed me to a gas station as I was on empty. He bought us water, which has never tasted so good. And we did kiss a couple times goodbye - like a friend's kiss with a little extra but definitely not clearly romantic or making out or anything. I said in a prior post that it might be a long while before I see him again, but that I was still looking forward to it. It still may be a long while because I think (and he as much as stated on the phone) that he is comfortable with either completely being together or not being together at all; i.e. close friends with me seems difficult and confusing for him. No way do I want to get back together, even though it felt good and natural spending time with him. I guess time will tell what the future holds.
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