Last chance...

It's the last couple of days of my Fundrazr campaign to receive donor embryos through California Conceptions and achieve my long-held dream to become a mom. The campaign has raised $1474 so far, which helps a lot, and I feel grateful!

I was hoping to get closer to $3000, but I think I would need a much bigger contact sphere to get there. I was not willing to put the campaign out to my entire several hundred person FB page because there are many people - professional contacts, people I know vaguely from high school or extended family, like my sister-in-law's mother, etc. - that I don't want to share with at this level. I shared with a sub-group of closer friends and family on FB, through my campaign email list, and on this blog and 25 people have donated, which feels so supportive and encouraging.

I have decided to create an email list of the people who have donated and maybe a few others to whom I will send periodic updates on my continuing journey to become a mom. These will sometimes parallel my blog posts but other times include more specific information about decisions and treatments, etc. Let me know if you would like to be included on the list.

I am posting this campaign link one more time here on this blog: 
Help Kristina reach her dream of motherhood 

If you have not had a chance to donate yet, will you consider donating today if you are able? Any amount is helpful and means a lot to me.

Here is my guest blog at The Lambton Worm if you want to read more specifics of my story:

Hello! Jenny is generously sharing her blog space today so that I can tell you about my campaign to finally fulfill my dream to become a mom. Thank you, Jenny! Before I tell you about the campaign, I’d like to share the story about how I came to believe this path was right for me…
I always saw motherhood as part of my life and who I was meant to be. I dated a lot in my 20s and into my... continue reading

With appreciation,

Kristina

Well, it's official...

... he is borderline Asperger's. In my last post, I described his bahaviors. When these behaviors continued on our walk - after we were settled at the pub where we were watching the game - I asked him about it. He confirmed this diagnosis and said he didn't even know until he was 50! He now sees a therapist and I am the first woman he has told about it. He also shared how his (alcoholic) Dad hit both him and his mom sometimes :( which I'm sure affected him emotionally, as well.

I like him and I like hanging out with him, but it's hard to imagine being in a serious relationship with him. I feel like he should date someone more like himself, as should I. There are people who do not have Asperger's who are much more thinking-oriented and less feeling-oriented, who wouldn't have the same needs for depth of connection and empathy that I do.

I will say that, although he didn't look quite the same as his pictures - he like many other people put younger pictures up - I did feel some attraction for him and it felt good hugging him at the end. It may sound funny, but I wish I could make his dream come true of a wife and family or at least a long-term relationship. I don't want to be yet another rejection for him.

Another thought... I honestly wonder if S was borderline autistic. He joked about it before. He did have obsessive behaviors and he did have trouble connecting emotionally and empathizing. But he seemed capable and able to at times, so it seemed more of an emotional block combined with his personality type. I think that's probably true. But he did "act" autistic at times, which may have, in a way, desensitized me to some of this new guy's behaviors.

I would really like to find a guy who is deep and emotionally intelligent, with whom I can share intimacy on all levels.

Someone... interesting

I met someone... interesting. I am of course not completely over S yet, but I got back online for fun and connected with someone I've had a few phone conversations with and am watching the basketball game with on Sunday. I enjoy talking with him and feel comfortable with him on the phone. The thing is, he's not quite normal. I'm not sure *what* the issue is yet, but these are some of the ways I would describe him:

• Detail-oriented, to the point of sharing mundane details that are not really necessary. 
• Naive and almost child-like at times.
• Kind and patient.
• Cute, at least in his pictures.
• Smart? He has a Masters degree in social work. And yet, he seems not super sharp.
• Father was an alcoholic so made the decision to never drink and has kept to that.
• Asks a lot of questions (which I like).
• Listens. But doesn't respond a lot with affirmations that he's hearing me or statement of understanding, so sometimes I feel "out there" on the phone after sharing something.
• Available. Wants to be a father/parent.
• Has never been married or had a relationship longer than a few months and he just turned 52. 
• Didn't go to college until he was 35 and got his Masters when he was in his late 40s. Calls himself a "late bloomer" and a "diamond in the rough"
• Worked as a social services eligibility worker for the last 15+ years and worked as a bank teller for 10+ years in his youth. Works out religiously. Takes pride in his reliability and dependability.

Something is definitely different about him, but I'm not sure if it's a mental or emotional issue or if he's just been sheltered and chosen the "safe" road throughout his life and that's reflected in how he thinks and communicates. He says he has done counseling and obviously if he has his degree in social work, that would involve some introspection and growth. I have had this sense that he's not all there or he's a little "off." But at the same time fun and sweet and I like talking to him. I guess more shall be revealed... It's really nice to be on the same page when it comes to goals in life and having a child.

What is going on here?

I'm posting this in case it's happened to any of you or you know of it happening to someone...

Basically, I am five or six days late for my period. I've had a little - sorry for TMI - dark spotting but no red blood. I felt a little cramping (very light) a couple of times before the spotting followed later. My breasts have been sore since the weekend, also.

Before anyone gets excited, it's been over month and a half since S and I broke up. And I had a period at the very start of May. It was a somewhat lighter period and maybe a day shorter but still, a full period with - again sorry for TMI - cramping and full flow but not tissue that I can remember, which I usually do notice. So, of course, I'm googling bleeding while pregnant, etc.

But the rational part of me, knowing my age and the odds considering S was still on chemo pills, believes this to likely be about hormone-imbalance or peri-menopause. It's just never happened before, so it definitely raises my curiosity. Any thoughts or experience you're willing to share?

*As soon as I post this, I bet I start my cycle...