Amendment: Until I received your comments asking about the gender change, I completely forgot I had not posted about that yet! I had written to friends and made FB posts, but I forgot to update my blog! So sorry!
Yeah, based on genetic NIPT testing, it turns out Pudge is a girl. 😬 The best I can figure out, SneakPeek was contaminated or something. RC was in the room and, although it was very clean, I didn’t bleach the testing surface, so maybe that was enough. It was embarrassing reannouncing to some of my family. But we are so excited that it balances out! After three boys from his previous life, he finally has his girl. And as I’ve shared, I did see myself being mom to a girl, but had adjusted and was really happy with a boy, too. I loved Pudge as a boy, and I love her as a girl.
Sorry for taking you along on our path of confusion. We are now hard at work coming up with girl names after we’d already reached a short list for a boy. But we are happy and excited and are fully in love with our girl now!
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Overall, my emotions are a bit less intense the last week or so; yay!
I did burst into tears yesterday when we got back to the car after church due to a build up of emotions from a really sore/seized up neck muscle and just the required focus and attention to listen to the service and while socializing afterwards with a very chatty woman. It still surprises me when it happens, this bursting into tears thing. It's quite a foreign experience and catches me off guard. I will say it provides relief and a release of pent up emotions and stress. RC was quite sweet, asking if I was okay and helping to relieve some of the muscle pain with pressure and massage.
Overall, I'd say I'm less reactive and crabby but still have some extra energy and anxiety circulating. Recently, I have noticed I can become overly focused on my family and their reactions, or more commonly their lack of reactions. For example, my Dad still won't really engage with talking about the pregnancy, though he's not being negative either. I think he's still wrapping his head around it. My sister won't respond to my texts many times and is not inviting us to my niece and nephew's ball games, even though I've asked her to several times.
A couple of days ago, though, I decided that I want and need to focus on my/our own life/lives and moving forward on finding activities and relationships that engage us and make us happy here in Oregon. We need to build our own lives, basically, and worry less about being included in other people's. Does that make sense? It feels right, anyway, even though I doubt I will stop wanting to connect more with my family.
More baby news...We had an Obgyn appointment a few days ago, and the doctor easily heard Pudge's heartbeat nice and loud on the doppler. I was surprised when she told us that the top of the uterus is at least halfway up to my belly button; much higher than I thought it was! We discussed me transferring to the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor after my next appointment on May 1st, and I feel comfortable with that. It just makes sense considering their expertise and availability. They can respond to any issues if, God forbid, they arise.
We also listened to Pudge on our at-home doppler yesterday and I found her hearbeat MUCH more easily. So fun! I love having the option to listen and get reassurance if needed. So far, we are only using it once or twice a week. I can't wait until I can feel her moving in there!
If you have experienced pregnancy, do you remember when you first felt the baby move? I have heard a wide variety of timelines, from 13 or 14 weeks to 16 to 18 weeks. I am 13 weeks four days today, so I know it's still early. As with so many other milestones on this journey, I have to practice my patience. 😄
We are in high gear on the baby name search! Still in expanding and eliminating mode and have not yet arrived at a "short list." We will likely include my birth mom's middle name Lynne, however, regardless what first name we land on. I am having a lot of fun with this process and do a little more research and reflection every day. A name is a big deal, I think, and deserves a lot of thought. :)
4/07/2019
Rough Day...and Gratitude
Today is a rough day. I was extremely emotional this morning, overwhelmed and sobbing, triggered by RC being in a bad mood and responding with irritability when I asked what he was journaling about.
Something that might have made me feel somewhat sad and disappointed normally became much more intense and tied up in thoughts that he wasn't happy to see me, he didn't like being around me. My inner child said he was being mean and lacking sympathy and care when he didn't comfort me when I was crying. Ach, what a mess.
Yes, he could have risen to the occasion and been the adult with reason, but he was not in a grounded place or able to do that for whatever reason. And, bottom line, I was the one overreacting and losing it. In any case, he went upstairs and then ended up going out, which was honestly not a bad thing, as I needed space, as well. I know he'll be back later and is likely studying for his big personal trainer certification test on Tuesday (one reason why he's ungrounded).
I ate breakfast and am now resting and watching TV. Pregnancy hormones are no joke. I stopped progesterone and estrogen supplementation 2-3 days ago and thought that might lead to less emotionality, not more, but that has not been the case yet, unfortunately. The rain here in Oregon is unceasing right now, as well, which doesn't help my mood, and also prevents me from getting outside for nice, uplifting spring walks.
I recently read that a key to happiness is thinking of three things for which your grateful, every day, so I will end this downer post with that practice, in hopes it helps. Three things for which I'm grateful:
Something that might have made me feel somewhat sad and disappointed normally became much more intense and tied up in thoughts that he wasn't happy to see me, he didn't like being around me. My inner child said he was being mean and lacking sympathy and care when he didn't comfort me when I was crying. Ach, what a mess.
Yes, he could have risen to the occasion and been the adult with reason, but he was not in a grounded place or able to do that for whatever reason. And, bottom line, I was the one overreacting and losing it. In any case, he went upstairs and then ended up going out, which was honestly not a bad thing, as I needed space, as well. I know he'll be back later and is likely studying for his big personal trainer certification test on Tuesday (one reason why he's ungrounded).
I ate breakfast and am now resting and watching TV. Pregnancy hormones are no joke. I stopped progesterone and estrogen supplementation 2-3 days ago and thought that might lead to less emotionality, not more, but that has not been the case yet, unfortunately. The rain here in Oregon is unceasing right now, as well, which doesn't help my mood, and also prevents me from getting outside for nice, uplifting spring walks.
I recently read that a key to happiness is thinking of three things for which your grateful, every day, so I will end this downer post with that practice, in hopes it helps. Three things for which I'm grateful:
- We heard Pudge's hearbeat on the home doppler for the second time on Friday; music to our ears.
- I went to my oldest niece, J's, state book-reading competition (OBOB) yesterday, and it was wonderful to see her having fun and doing something she's passionate about, as well as to connect with my sister and other family members at the event.
- Even though I'm currently in some limbo, I'm hopeful about my work situation. I completed three applications for new Career/Academic Advisor positions at the U of O, which correlate with 35 (!) total positions. Needless to say, they are dramatically increasing their advising resources, and my hiring odds simultaneously increase, as well. I also just officially applied and was accepted to a local business networking referral group that meets weekly, and I may have already landed my first client through the group - fingers crossed. I'll find out after a week or so, when she finishes the busy tax season.
4/02/2019
Pregnancy Update #5 - Second Ultrasound
We saw Pudge again yesterday! Little guy was wiggling and kicking at times, which was so amazing to see. He arched his back at one point; so cute! And thus begins the era of 1 million things that I think are adorable, and others probably roll their eyes at. 🙄😃 I’m glad to become annoying in that way, though. I welcome it.
Some data points we took away from our appointment:
- His heart was beating away at 170 bpm.
- Nuchal screening came out great: 1.46 and they want it under 3.
- They drew blood for the NIPT screening, but we won’t hear back for about 10 days. Then we will know 100% conclusively that we have a little boy, and hopefully get peace of mind that the chances of genetic/developmental issues are low.
- They will also test my thyroid level, to my relief. My OB/GYN was somewhat dismissive about it, saying we didn’t need to test for a while longer, but this high-risk doctor was very on board with testing. She said the required dosage level usually increases by 30% during pregnancy.
We talked about making our pregnancy announcement after this ultrasound and are coming up with some fun ideas. Hopefully, we can post it later today or tomorrow. I’ve let most of the people I care about know already, but RC has a lot of longer distance friends and acquaintances. I know he likes sharing and celebrating with these folks online. I hope it’s not obnoxious or hurtful to anyone in the trenches of infertility.
Without further ado, here is the most recent picture of Pudge 😍😍😍:
4/01/2019
Pregnancy Update 4.5 - Maternal Fetal Medicine
I am gearing up for the second ultrasound today at the Maternal Fetal Medicine clinic. I am excited but also nervous. We get to see Pudge again, and so that is a fun thing, but there is always that thought, "What if something is wrong?" We just heard the heartbeat through home doppler a few of days ago, which was very reassuring, but oddly enough, the reassurance seems to last a couple of days and then dissipates. I am trying to limit use to every few days. Praying that he's going to be an active little bub in there; whole, healthy, and developing right on time.
Other tasks on the agenda today include talking to the high-risk testing folks about our background, what we know of the donor's background, and discussing potential testing. We are already clear we will not be doing any invasive testing, like amniocentesis or CVS (chorionic villus sampling), because our egg donor was 23-years-old, and there isn't anything we could possibly find out that would make us change course. I suppose the case could be made for preparation, but I think bigger issues would become known as the pregnancy progresses, with plenty of time to prepare. It's sad to even think about.
We are definitely going to agree to the NIPT blood testing, and they will do the nuchal translucency screening during the ultrasound, as well. I will also be getting an echocardiogram and an EKG in the afternoon, which I'm SO excited about. nope. The doctor wants me to do it, and I guess it can't hurt to be clear, but I've never had blood pressure or heart problems detected of any kind. I've had excellent blood pressure readings, actually, as well as cholesterol. Oh well. It doesn't sound painful, at least.
I will post an update later with more information and hopefully an exciting new ultrasound picture. I think we will be able to hear the heart this time, too, and I'm sure their machine will amplify it better than our home doppler. I'm definitely looking forward to that, and I hope my little guy is kicking and moving around in there. 😊
Other tasks on the agenda today include talking to the high-risk testing folks about our background, what we know of the donor's background, and discussing potential testing. We are already clear we will not be doing any invasive testing, like amniocentesis or CVS (chorionic villus sampling), because our egg donor was 23-years-old, and there isn't anything we could possibly find out that would make us change course. I suppose the case could be made for preparation, but I think bigger issues would become known as the pregnancy progresses, with plenty of time to prepare. It's sad to even think about.
We are definitely going to agree to the NIPT blood testing, and they will do the nuchal translucency screening during the ultrasound, as well. I will also be getting an echocardiogram and an EKG in the afternoon, which I'm SO excited about. nope. The doctor wants me to do it, and I guess it can't hurt to be clear, but I've never had blood pressure or heart problems detected of any kind. I've had excellent blood pressure readings, actually, as well as cholesterol. Oh well. It doesn't sound painful, at least.
I will post an update later with more information and hopefully an exciting new ultrasound picture. I think we will be able to hear the heart this time, too, and I'm sure their machine will amplify it better than our home doppler. I'm definitely looking forward to that, and I hope my little guy is kicking and moving around in there. 😊
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