adventures in building a family and living authentically
7/11/2012
Article: "Our New Era of Heartbreak"
Please read this Salon article. It is SO VERY INTERESTING to me, as a women wanting a family and wanting a partner. The part about self-esteem is heartbreaking, but can be so true, I think. What do YOU think?
I could relate to much of what this article details. I have been in a relationship in which I was absolutely miserable. Strangely though, this was more acceptable to my friends and family. Now I'm single, have been for awhile, and I feel I am practically a pariah.
It's a weird place to be, on the one hand I'm proud of what I've accomplished and of my independence, on the other hand I am often ashamed as I don't fit into the rest of society.
I hope we're entering the Golden Age of singledom, or at least tolerance of it. Thanks for posting this article...very interesting indeed!
Oops, they moved the article! The link should go to the right one now. I read the one about being single, too, and liked it. The other article I meant to link to is about the difficulty of dating/relationships for women in today's cultural reality and how it can be a LOT of pressure.
Interesting reading. What was written about how ending of relationships hurts our self-worth really resonated with me. I remember wondering during my divorce (and after) what was wrong with me that he could not stay. It was years before I could really look at what was wrong with him.
I feel sad hearing this, MN. I, too, felt bad about myself, especially after the last relationship. I'm glad you were eventually able to see his flaws.
Wow, there's so much I could say about that article, I don't even know where to begin.
Regarding self-worth, I noticed a huge difference in how I was treated by society after I got married. As a single person, there was very little interest in me. I knew that I was seen as a kind of failure by my extended family because I hadn't gotten married, and by the time I reached my 30s they gave up on the idea that it would ever happen for me. But once I got married, that all changed, and I'm honestly very bitter about it. Suddenly my extended family thinks I'm interesting. I get invited places (along with J) by people who never invited me anywhere when I was single. Couples that excluded me from their social cirlce when I was single now want to spend time with me (and my husband, of course). It really pisses me off. I haven't changed as a person. I'm still the same Jenny, with the same intellect, the same sense of humour, the same priorities and principles. So why am I worth more with a ring on my finger than without?
I hate to say it, but the exclusions of the past really did have an impact on my self-esteem. Although I'm sure it wasn't intentional on their part, the family and friends who had no interest in me when I was single made me feel worthless. I felt like a failure because I hadn't been chosen by a man. The article gets that part exactly right: it's a competition and if you're not selected, you're a loser. So how's my self-esteem now? Honestly, I can't say it's any better because I know that the interest people have in me isn't genuine. It isn't ME they want to be around, it's the couple that I've become a part of.
I could also go into a lengthy rant about commitment-phobic men, but this reply is already long enough. ;)
Oh, please go into your lengthy rant about commitment-phobic men - the longer, the better! I like reading your perspective and I'm sure I'll relate to it.
What you said about invitations and whether interest is genuine is very interesting. Is it only that they see you as more valid or successful or is it also their own comfort level with you because you fit in their "norm" box that validates their own views of themselves and how they see the world? Either way, I can see how that would feel irritating and yucky.
Having just come out of a week with family - all couples/family and me, the spinster aunt-ha! - I know I would be treated differently if I were married/have higher status... but also I think "I" would feel more comfortable because I would have a partner in crime, someone on "my side." Maybe that's a different issue and relates to how close I feel to my parents/sister.
I do like stepping back and looking at our society/culture in this way and hearing your and other's experiences. It normalizes my experience and, while making me angry and sad at this reality, also separates out my self-judgments to some extent. It's total BS that we do this competitive shite and have these expectations! Potentially limiting to true connection/ intimacy, as well, it seems (with self AND others).
I could relate to much of what this article details. I have been in a relationship in which I was absolutely miserable. Strangely though, this was more acceptable to my friends and family. Now I'm single, have been for awhile, and I feel I am practically a pariah.
ReplyDeleteIt's a weird place to be, on the one hand I'm proud of what I've accomplished and of my independence, on the other hand I am often ashamed as I don't fit into the rest of society.
I hope we're entering the Golden Age of singledom, or at least tolerance of it. Thanks for posting this article...very interesting indeed!
Oops, they moved the article! The link should go to the right one now. I read the one about being single, too, and liked it. The other article I meant to link to is about the difficulty of dating/relationships for women in today's cultural reality and how it can be a LOT of pressure.
DeleteInteresting reading. What was written about how ending of relationships hurts our self-worth really resonated with me. I remember wondering during my divorce (and after) what was wrong with me that he could not stay. It was years before I could really look at what was wrong with him.
ReplyDeleteI feel sad hearing this, MN. I, too, felt bad about myself, especially after the last relationship. I'm glad you were eventually able to see his flaws.
DeleteWow, there's so much I could say about that article, I don't even know where to begin.
ReplyDeleteRegarding self-worth, I noticed a huge difference in how I was treated by society after I got married. As a single person, there was very little interest in me. I knew that I was seen as a kind of failure by my extended family because I hadn't gotten married, and by the time I reached my 30s they gave up on the idea that it would ever happen for me. But once I got married, that all changed, and I'm honestly very bitter about it. Suddenly my extended family thinks I'm interesting. I get invited places (along with J) by people who never invited me anywhere when I was single. Couples that excluded me from their social cirlce when I was single now want to spend time with me (and my husband, of course). It really pisses me off. I haven't changed as a person. I'm still the same Jenny, with the same intellect, the same sense of humour, the same priorities and principles. So why am I worth more with a ring on my finger than without?
I hate to say it, but the exclusions of the past really did have an impact on my self-esteem. Although I'm sure it wasn't intentional on their part, the family and friends who had no interest in me when I was single made me feel worthless. I felt like a failure because I hadn't been chosen by a man. The article gets that part exactly right: it's a competition and if you're not selected, you're a loser. So how's my self-esteem now? Honestly, I can't say it's any better because I know that the interest people have in me isn't genuine. It isn't ME they want to be around, it's the couple that I've become a part of.
I could also go into a lengthy rant about commitment-phobic men, but this reply is already long enough. ;)
Oh, please go into your lengthy rant about commitment-phobic men - the longer, the better! I like reading your perspective and I'm sure I'll relate to it.
DeleteWhat you said about invitations and whether interest is genuine is very interesting. Is it only that they see you as more valid or successful or is it also their own comfort level with you because you fit in their "norm" box that validates their own views of themselves and how they see the world? Either way, I can see how that would feel irritating and yucky.
Having just come out of a week with family - all couples/family and me, the spinster aunt-ha! - I know I would be treated differently if I were married/have higher status... but also I think "I" would feel more comfortable because I would have a partner in crime, someone on "my side." Maybe that's a different issue and relates to how close I feel to my parents/sister.
I do like stepping back and looking at our society/culture in this way and hearing your and other's experiences. It normalizes my experience and, while making me angry and sad at this reality, also separates out my self-judgments to some extent. It's total BS that we do this competitive shite and have these expectations! Potentially limiting to true connection/ intimacy, as well, it seems (with self AND others).