One too many times.

I'm doing remarkably well, all things considered.  I think it's because a line has been crossed in my deepest core.  One can't necessarily predict where that line will be, but they know when it's been breached.

I can't say that I didn't try, because I most definitely did.  And I gave him the benefit of the doubt many times over (my sworn statement not to try again with him until he had worked on himself taunts me now).

I will say that after he said the words about breaking up again, I did have thoughts of killing him.  I was in shock.  I was enraged.  I got some answers out of him that I may talk about at some point.

But today, instead of despair or longing, I guess I would say I feel a real clarity that I do not want to be with him.  He shot so many holes in my trust that it couldn't hold water now if I wanted it to.  And honestly, I just don't respect him at this point.  He's deceived me, jerked me around, made agreements he didn't keep.  One too many times.

I'm still going to my doctor's appointment this week.  I'm not sure what I'll do with the information, but I want to find out what I can.

Update and a Tale of Two Conferences

Oops, I let a week go by without posting.  I think at some level I didn't want to follow-up on that last overly-enthusiastic post.  Needless to say, there is no good news.  Oddly, my progesterone test, which had already been scheduled for that next Monday, came out negligible.  Which likely means I hadn't even ovulated, let alone been pregnant.

Why did I start my cycle so early then, and why was it so different than usual?  Who knows?  I'm sad and frustrated that both I and S were put through that whole thing.  Such are the benefits of ttc at this point, I guess.  Looking forward to my doc appointment on the 2nd.

My work conference this week was great, and at dinner a couple of nights ago the Director of my department indicated she would try and find me hours at the college next year through the Perk.ins grant.  Very exciting!  S got to stay with me at the hotel in South SF, which was really nice.  We discovered the joy of room service - chocolate lava cake, yummmm.

And last night, I started the weekend Economics of Happ.iness Conference in Berkeley.  Lots of amazing speakers, including Jo.anna Macy and Charles Eisen.stein.  I'm volunteering and doing some tabling for Transition Towns, as well.

All in all, after a crappy start, it's turning out to be an enriching week.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Eeeeek!!!  I'm freaking out a bit so please excuse this random post about signs and symptoms.

So I felt some pulsing sensations in my lower right abdomen on Thursday - oddly right in the middle of my work team meeting at the college.

Last night I felt ravenous and literally devoured a can of smoked oysters.  It's not odd for me to eat oysters, but the way I devoured them was strange.

I've had really wild, intense dreams the past few night with archetypal images like dogs, horses, food (lots of food - dessert and chocolate), and family members.  Last night had lots of little kids, including my sister and her daughter J, although they were siblings in the dream.  I was responsible for the kids and keeping track of them but they were running all over or something.

Then, today, something tangible:  I have pink spotting!  Which I've had before, as you might recall, but it was always later in the cycle.  And it only happened two or three times, on cycles where I had been trying and likely implantation did start to happen.

Finally, the last crazy obsessive point I'll make here today:  the online psychic I emailed with a few months ago said she saw a girl born in "December of 2012."  Actually, she said I would either conceive in December of 2011, which clearly was a bust, or have the baby in December of 2012.

Thanks for listening to my wacky thoughts!  Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

Giving it the Last-Minute Try

I'm so excited that some blog friends trying to conceive have been getting BFPs.  A big twin-size Congratulations to Jen!  And sending lots of good thoughts to Mo as she goes for her first ultrasound tomorrow.

I'm not sure I want to talk about it much yet because the dust is settling and more talking will be done this weekend (it's not going to be back to where we were before).  But regardless of the outcome, S and I jumped on the crazy train and gave it another try this month.  Soooo, yeah.

The timing was right, cycle days 13/14, with reference to when I usually ovulate, though I was not tracking with temps or ovu predictors.  And for the first time with us trying, I had noticeable "eggwhite" cm, so that seemed a good sign.

One odd physical symptom I've had for over month now is really sore breasts.  Which could either indicate I'm in peri-menopause, be a reaction to going off prenatal supplements, or be a hormonal reaction to eating more fat in my diet or something.  Anyone else had this happen out of the blue?

On top of that, I've experienced a couple significant breast pangs in the last day and also had twinges in what felt like the right place.  But at just a few days post ovulation, I think it's early and likely means nada.

This may not make sense, but, regardless, I'm happy with this opportunity to try - even taking into account the obsessive aspect of the two-week-wait!

SOCAP SOUL and Love

I attended the most amazing conference last weekend at the San Francisco Hub: SOCAP SOUL.

Here's the website description for those interested:

What if your job, your finances, and your  community  were all aligned with what you  value? SOCAP has created a special event, SOCAP: Soul, to help answer  that question.

Social entrepreneurs and investors, faith leaders and activists, cultural creatives, and thought  leaders are all seeking to align what they care about with their jobs, and with the way they spend and invest their money.

We’re coming together as a movement of people who see the intersection of money and meaning as imperative not only to business – but also for our families and neighbors, for ourselves and people around the world.

Be inspired by speakers who have made these decisions. Explore models and find others along the same path. Find a better way forward for this world and yourself.

The two words that keep emerging for me around it are "affirming" and "inspiring."  They had several panels of amazing people and a breakout discussion group of people in various points of transition toward creating more meaningful work for themselves.  I still need to type up my notes and plan next action steps, so more reflections to follow in later posts.  But WOW!

I feel such a mixture of feelings in my life right now, but on a Spiritual level, I am receiving a lot of positive information from various sources around the potential of creating new, more localized / meaningful / sustainable forms of economy and work.  I wish I were further along in the journey, but I guess that's typical!

Brief check-in on the man front.... S and I are talking (I know, collective groan), ha!  But we are not committed or "back together."

He said he was very mad at himself (along with me) about going to the unilateral decision place.  He expressed feeling overwhelmed and scared about me breaking up suddenly again and about whether he can do the work he needs to do on himself while in relationship.

We are working on staying a lot more connected when talking about difficult things by holding each other and breathing in a meditative way at the beginning of our meetings.  It may sound strange, but it has been a surprisingly helpful technique so far.

Perhaps oddly, I went on a date with a guy from Mat.ch on Monday night.  He seemed to like me and kissed me at the end of the night.  On my side, it was an interesting, pleasant time, but the kiss was too much.  It made me realize I'm not emotionally available to date other people right now, even if it makes part of me feel more protected and safe/less vulnerable.

S is away for the week at an NVC workshop at Esalen; a beautiful, blissed-out, hippie retreat center on the California Central Coast.  I have my appointment with a therapist next week, which I'm looking forward to...so perhaps this is a time of trying to work on ourselves and do some talking in a "no idea what the hell we are or what comes next" kind of place.  Yikes.