My Latin Crush

My Latin Crush came over for dinner last night.  To give some backstory:  we have had this really wonderful chemistry in my theatre class whenever we are partnered.  And when a few of us went to dinner afterwards, I drove him there and sat next to him and, let's just say, there was a lot of energy.  We were always connected, legs touching all through dinner, etc.  It sounds so high school, but it was fun.

In my direct way, I brought up our energy connection to him that night and said, though I knew it maybe wasn't right (due to the Jesuit thing), I couldn't help but ask if he wanted to hang out.  Well, it was kind of funny because he didn't know what that meant.  What is this "hang out"?  ha  But we ended up exchanging emails and trying to make plans...but nothing came of it.  It seemed like he had some ambivalence, understandably.   So I said thanks anyway, and good luck.

Then a couple more classes, and more energy and some talking and again, I asked him if we might get together and talk outside of class.  I swear it just popped out of my mouth, even though I knew it was not the best idea.  It was so hard to be talking, and then get pulled apart by rotating partners.  I wanted more time with him, I couldn't help it.  So he said "Yes," and we actually managed to make plans this time.

And last night was the big night and.... it was so painfully predictable!

I will say it started out wonderfully - talking, showing him our garden, making dinner, drinking some wine and talking some more.  We discussed our prior interactions, and at first he was playing it cool, like he hadn't felt like he wanted more outside of class, but he basically ended up acknowledging that he did want to see me.  I pointed out that I totally gave him an out the night at dinner when I first asked him about "hanging out," and he didn't take it.

Anyway, he also admitted he feels torn sometimes about becoming a Jesuit and questions his long-term commitment, similar to how someone would question whether they wanted to be married to someone.  I shared about my relationship frustrations, in a big picture kind of way - my perfectionism and difficulty in settling down and feeling satisfied - and he actually helped me in thinking about life and relationships as a gift.  He also gave me the perspective that this balance I see between companionship and sexual chemistry can happen in my own life first.

Clearly there are limitations with the sexual chemistry part. lol  But I see in my own life that I'm actually more focused on physical expression through dance and theatre and less on the spiritual/emotional side.  I've been saying for a long time that I would like to find a spiritual community, so perhaps I'll put more energy into that now.

So, deep conversations were being had, and I was enjoying it very much.  After dinner, things shifted pretty quickly into physical connection.  At first, the kind of contact we do in our Inter.play theatre class, but then more sensual and then, what do you know, we're basically making out.   Definitely getting heated. When all of a sudden, he puts on the brakes.  That's the painfully predictable part.  How could I think it would go any other way?  And then, the also predictable feelings of guilt on his part.  Yuck.  And sad and hard to just screech to a stop.

A bit later, I said to him that I wished he could have just taken a step back instead of completely retreating like that.  Anyway, I was kind of mad, more frustrated and disappointed I suppose, but I do understand.  He's struggling with his own commitment to the Jesuit path, but he's still in the commitment.  And yes, he was full steam ahead to that point and then kind of dropped things, but at some level I knew that point would come.

So, no blame.  Disappointment and some sadness, yes.  But I care about him and wish good things for him.  He leaves on the 29th to spend the summer helping and supporting people in prison in Mexico for the summer.  You have to admire that kind of generosity and heart.  I hope he finds clarity and peace with his path, whatever direction it takes.

In one way, this experience was very affirming for me.  He and I had a lot of chemistry and sometimes I question whether I can find people with whom I have this strong of a connection.

I don't have big plans for the weekend.  Going to a Transition Town movie event on Sunday.  Meeting the co-parent from L.A. on Monday, I guess.  I haven't talked to him for a few days, but I assume that's still the plan.  I keep hoping for something to magically drop into place to help me make my decision about this coming cycle, but nothing yet.  I need to decide by next week.  What are your plans?