Saturday Night Pity Party

I'm feeling like such a loser tonight.  It's Saturday night and I have no plans.  I haven't had a date in a super long time.  I'm letting my stupid ex, S, get to me.  I am so uncool right now.

Today was a rough day in general.  I felt disconnected and adrift.  This morning, I spent some time completing college and career counseling-related emails.  I talked to my housemate for a bit.  But he was in his room most of the day.  It was a day I could have used some companionship.  The highlight of my day was grocery shopping.  That's just sad.

I tend not to plan ahead and sometimes it bites me, like tonight.  Tonight was a night it would have been great to have plans.  If I had plans, I wouldn't have been so bored and stupid as to call S.  We had talked a couple of times and were supposed to get together again for a final round, after things settled with our first talk (I was assuming that would occur this weekend).  But last Saturday we flirted some on the phone.  That was a mistake.  I feel like I'm kind of vulnerable right now, since I'm not seeing anyone and haven't had a date in quite a while.  I felt in need of an affirmation of my desirability.

Anyway, then at the end of this week he wrote me this email, and it pissed me off.  It was so arms length and avoidant, saying he had so much on his plate and had to finish a book this weekend, etc. so how about talking again next Thursday or Saturday.  I could have just gone along with it, but it felt controlling and not at all considerate of what I wanted.  Plus we'd had these two fairly intense conversations, and it seemed strange to then go a couple weeks without talking again, as we'd said we were going to do.  And why couldn't he pick up the phone instead of writing an email?

But, honestly, I should have just let it go.  I certainly have no intention of ever being in a relationship with him again.  I don't want to depend on him for anything.  He's not trustworthy, and, frankly, he's deceptive.  Even this weekend, he said he had to finish his book, but by calling I found out that he was at a game with his son (great, no problem, but tell me the truth!) and then going out tonight somewhere.  We were talking on the phone, and he was being his slippery-eel self, trying to seem witty and charming and above it all.  And then he gets to this place and says he has to go.  Nice.

See what I mean?  I am soooo uncool right now.  I do not want this stuff to be getting to me.  So, now I've written about it, and I'm going to try and let it go.  He is who he is - not worthy of my trust or my love, not capable of honoring agreements or upholding commitments.  Not emotionally mature.  What I need to decide, though, is do I follow through on the plans we have to talk later this week?  A big part of me would like to say,  "Screw you," and bail, but then we've still got the problem of being in each other's circles.

I suppose I could withdraw from the NVC circle for a while.  That's the main one that overlaps.  My theatre and dance are my own, and he's not part of them.  The other area is the Transition Town stuff, but we're not in any regular meetings together.  We will see each other around at TT events, like at an upcoming regional conference, etc., but not on a regular basis.

What do you think?

As a side note, I wonder if progesterone is affecting my mood!  Very likely!  lol